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Renae 5d
You called
I did not hesitate
We started with
a cracked slate

Neither of us wanted
To end it
Neither of us knew
where we were headed

Confusing as it was
I stumbled
out of love
You tried to get me to wait
Without any effort
on your plate

I said we need to communicate
I wanted forever
You told me friends is better
I told you it's just too late
Oct 11 · 33
Karaoke
Renae Oct 11
Here in the corner it's free
Nobody demanding
anything of me
Nobody on the phone
wishing I would come home
No stress
it's just me, and I'm a mess
here in the corner
of a crowded place
locked away
inside my space
I used to feel free
now I am angry
nut more sad
giving em hell
still making them mad
Singing out my own voice to myself
Never a glance to anyone else
Oct 7 · 41
The Value of My Tears
Renae Oct 7
Salty, warm saline
full of love
Strength unseen
they drop softly,
Tho sometimes hard
A dollar
could never measure
the depths I've gone to
to make it better
Lengths, widths and heights conquered,
So many empty moments,
dark lonely nights
weathered
No the value of my tears
Cannot be measured
With money
Material
Or other worldly matter
They are priceless
kept in skin bottles
golden,
hidden
in spaces
only felt with the heart
Only wiped away
by the hand of God
Revelation 21:3 & 4
Sep 22 · 860
The End
Renae Sep 22
Don't worry,
you are breathing still

You can still feel

The second hand slides
as the hours fly by

          ...........

You can still taste
that last piece of cake
you stole from the wrong man

And you cannot give it back

It's too late

You found your fate

All you can do
is wait for the end
Sep 7 · 95
Blind
Renae Sep 7
Tonight wasn't the 1st time it's ever happened to me,
but it was  surprising.
I've always felt that I could change the past somehow, break cycles and break through ceilings
I guess I felt like by now people would feel the same as me
It seems that some people are too angry, maybe a bit too bitter & disagree
maybe scared or maybe just tired
whatever the case,
It's sad to stay as small as
only your own race
I thought that we had finally made it to where these things didn't take place.
I guess ugly stays, it just changed race
Now you put yourself in their shoes & repeat the same old school mistakes
I guess you take the upper hand like it makes you cool, like it makes you better, but it only makes you the same,
old fool
Prejudice
Sep 5 · 42
Painter of the sky
Renae Sep 5
I can remember the sky
just as vividly
as I could freeze in time
the way I felt inside
I tried to focus on the colors
like a raging fire
shades of deep orange
red, blue, purple & the brightest yellow
Paintbrush strokes
could only compliment
the genius of an original
For a moment
the firey sky was all I saw
until my racing mind
connects dots again,
a smile spreads
across my lips,
in a glimpse all I could do
was gaze at his glory
thankful to know the painter of the sky
Sep 4 · 30
honestly
Renae Sep 4
honestly your honesty
leaves a lot to be
desired
you said to me
rather candidly
"3 or 4 others
don't matter
love is something
you give away"
so as long as they're
okay, with letting you play
i shouldn't mind
either
only thing i see
is your honesty
clearly is your only flaw
so charismatic
you take your place
as if you belong
with every pretty face
you see as you scan the room
well honestly
i don't see what you see
all  i can say is
thank you
for showing me...
you
Aug 15 · 167
Love to me
Renae Aug 15
Love to me is not a whisper
It shouts from the rooftops
No
Love is not a secret
You place in your pocket
Love connects
Interacts
yearns for & craves
Love is always thinking
Of ways
For laughter to overturn
The frown
For respect to take the cake!
For oneness to accept
Forgive & forget...
Love
Conquers and saves
Aug 4 · 26
All I know
Renae Aug 4
All I know is
everybody wants to feel special
Everyone believes they are
And who am I to disagree?
I think maybe once or twice
I almost accepted
what I was feeling as divine
Only to open my eyes
To the trickery that kept
Steering me blind
One day I decided not to play
I ended the game
Now I stay lost in moments
Focused on little things
Trying to remember
Trying to forget
Jul 9 · 50
Caught up
Renae Jul 9
I'm not in my feelings
I'm not crying anymore
I shut that door
For the last time.

Healing is upon me
Today all I see
Is victory

Conscious imagery
Has never been my thing
I spill out
Recklessly

The way flour spills
everywhere
It's so hard to
Clean

The mess is me
I am best
Caught up in it

In my messy moments
Doing everything I can
to feel alive
important and free

To believe in me
Apr 30 · 44
Silence
Renae Apr 30
Is golden
So they say
Stay quiet
Or give yourself away
They say
Obey
Don't ask
Or give yourself away
Silence is a killer
It lets the bad guys
get away
Wolves will come to the field
If the sheep begin to play
Silence is a killer
for the chilren
locked away
For the wives who want
relief
But are scared of what to say
Silence is like eggshells
Lying on the floor
You do not know where to step
when careful
won't calm the mental roar
Silence is the worst
No fear
Or overwhelm
Or anxiety or pandemics
Or is it just a scared society....
that puts you
in the ground
Apr 25 · 27
Venting
Renae Apr 25
Have you ever been so mentally exhausted it cripples you
Mentally cornered
With no way out
The blinders are thick
No choices remain
Your eyes burn from watching the same ridiculousness  
Replaying itself to death
The horror of constant mondaine existence
Have you ever felt like this life is a joke?
Like the whole system is a joke?
Congratulations, you've woke up
This mess is the world we live in
The stinch of hypocrisy
rules like a god
Self righteous judges clothed as sheep
Sit on golden thrones pointing blood stained fingers of blame
Renae Apr 7
Wandering mind
Wondering what's gone wrong with me
And try not to try
Swayed in the wind
Swayed by desire
Can't reach the moon up above
And I don't dare touch the fire
'Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
And I want you all my life
Always on my mind
You're miles and miles away
But somehow you're close
If I can't have my cake
And I can't eat it too
I guess the sound of your voice on my machine
And the aching'll just have to do
'Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
And I want you all the time
And if you never come back
If you never call
I say I'll understand....
Feb 28 · 53
Listen
Renae Feb 28
Let him go play with her heart
Loosen your grip on his
He won't give
This tension is relentless
You're far too precious
don't shrink yourself
Into believing you're less
You're not a fraction of the best
He doesn't know how to love
Your head will stay a mess
Charisma isn't enough
Chemistry will pass
Being in bed isn't all you need
To make it last

A listener who cares
A love whose there,
More than pillow talk
more than lifeless stares
Someone who'll hold you
Through your tears
He picks you up and lights your fears
The journey is together
Connected so deep
when you speak
Commited to eachother
I help you, you help me
Make it last forever
This is something you keep
Relationships are between 2 hearts. Only 2
Jan 19 · 33
To fall in love
Renae Jan 19
You said "Your *****'s not big enough,
you aren't that great, you aren't all that, old lady,  you're boring"
You made me feel like anybody
More like nobody than somebody
Even though you never even knew me
Or took the time
So it should be understandable
I never fell in love with you.

Masculine

Feminine

I guess I'm somewhere in between

Masculine because I need me
Gotta step up my game
Hustle and make a living

Feminine me, is never seen
Locked away in my beauty cave
Preserved for the one
who proves to me
He believes I'm worth the effort
Worth the time
Worth the chase


That's the one I'll belong to and he will be mine. ♡
Renae Jan 16
I ask my daughter one day, what do you want to be when you grow up? She said to me, "Mommy when I grow up I want to be a pig" she loved pigs and I laughed, she was 4. A few years later I ask her again, her reply this time: "I want to be me, only I want to do whatever I want!"  I thought, how smart. We don't need a label or a sign slapped across our foreheads to define us. We are good enough to be anything we want anytime we want! So don't be ashamed if one day you change because, guess what, minds change, if we want them to. We are not too old to dance or sing, & we are never too old to play. So I stopped asking her what she wanted to be, I finally understood, she was already happy & there's nothing more she could ask for.
Dec 2019 · 10
Paradise
Renae Dec 2019
Warm sand seeps
through my toes
with every step
The ocean breeze
fresh sweet hibiscus scent
floats through the air
I almost taste coconuts & pineapple listening to the rythm of steel drums
in the distance
Without a worry in the world
far from anxiety
I sit in peace, one with the palms
my only thought is
where should I build my treehouse?
Where will I hang my hammock?
Should I wear shoes today?
Nov 2019 · 68
I lose
Renae Nov 2019
I face the mirror I see in you
My grip loosens from my rope
Where I tried to tie us in a knot
Nov 2019 · 21
I forget
Renae Nov 2019
What was the reason again
It's lost somewhere between
kisses and the caress of your skin
I cannot remember
Words unsaid
The moments of pleasure
fleeting as seconds fly by
I tried to tell you
I cannot soften your brick wall
My eyes could not penetrate you
My curves, not shapely enough
My lips never got through
My tongue ******* in knots
I said I loved you
Called you mine
Forever etched in my soul
I try to escape from my mind
What was it again
The reasons I won't give in
I rack my memory  for
Something I forget
Sep 2019 · 23
One more time
Renae Sep 2019
I must apologize
my heart lept from my chest again
I could not reach out
to stop it
words flew from my lips
without telling my brain
they were leaving

one more time
triggers to provoke my wild thoughts
were pulled
before I could close my eyes
in peace

I apologize for my eyes
they stay open, even in the night
I can see in the dark
you hate that

one more time
I apologize
tattered as I mourn
I broke my own heart
believing in you
Renae May 2019
What if I sqeeze myself into any shape
And I still don't fit
What if I bend so much that I break
And I can't mend it
What if I burn so bright that the fire
Goes out and I can't stay lit
What's the point in it?

I could get good at crying
Crocodile tears
Just to get along
I could carry on telling you
What you wanna hear
Til my voice is gone
But if I finally get to the place
That I think is home
And I don't belong
What's the point in it?
Where's the benefit?
When I'm gaining all but I'm losing it?

(Chorus)
It's not worth having
If it's too much to hold
You can dig so deep that
You're left with a hole
Where's the energizer
With a bag full of gold?
Don't wanna end up like pirate bones
What I thought was treasure
Is just a pile of stones
I might have the treasure
But I'd be lying alone
Just a pile a pirate bones

If I forfeit my soul
It ain't worth having
If it's something I stole
It aint worth having


What if I stake everything on a dream
And it's counterfeit
If I reach the end
That justifies the means
Could I live with it?
And if it's true that having too much
Of any good thing
Can only make me sick
What's the point in
Where's the benefit
If I'm gaining all but
I'm losing it?
(Chorus)
Apr 2019 · 37
Your Roadway
Renae Apr 2019
When I walk your roadway
I love the steep hills
I notice the beauty
I see the greenery
The shade of oaks
Covers me
The breeze cools my skin

When I walk your roadway
My intentions are pure
My heart sees only the good in you
My eyes try to find honesty
In yours

When I walk your roadway
I hope the best
For your life
My thoughts towards you
are only peace

I do not seek to waste
Your time or mine
I sacrifice my own
To walk your roadway
Service
Apr 2019 · 28
His life
Renae Apr 2019
Not a single flaw presented
He walked a straight
Unfettered line
Unafraid
Decisive
Not a worry for the past
He left behind
Unmarked in all his ways
He left footprints
For us to follow
His death was bitter,
cruel & undeserved
This is a pill to swallow
Of value unsurpassed
All he ask
Is that we show our faith
Through action
So we must obey
truly I tell you today
our sins will be forgiven
Jesus ransom sacrifice. He died as a perfect human almost 2000 years ago today at 3pm.
Apr 2019 · 21
Would you?
Renae Apr 2019
Nuzzled up against him;
her ***** in his chest
The widest smile she could make
across her face was spread.
Adjoining with his own,
picture perfect together.
Best friends in a vow,
.....but never ever lovers?
He said, "Lovers come & lovers go
Friendship lasts forever"

Oh but darlings don't you know?
The two should be together.
Cherished friendship,
where forgiveness blossoms,
endless trials
cannot stop them
Together their love is enough,
Would you separate love?
Apr 2019 · 22
Forced
Renae Apr 2019
Not coaxed, forced
Like a hammer and nail
Like a pole shoved onto the ground
Not gently or smooth
Like an ice pick slams into ice
Or an axe chops wood in two
That is how forced
It felt with you
Apr 2019 · 155
Solitude
Renae Apr 2019
Listen
Can you hear the peace?
It's calling me
Apr 2019 · 91
RIP
Renae Apr 2019
RIP
Go ahead
tear me open just to sew me shut again.
All I ask, is that each time please
take some more stuffing with you.
Mar 2019 · 80
Friends
Renae Mar 2019
I remember when
you said
"we can just be friends"
I wouldn't let it
Because just friends
wasn't why we started
Now where am I
Time flew by
it was a rollercoaster ride
I tried and cried
now I understand why
Feb 2019 · 45
I jumped
Renae Feb 2019
I slowly dipped my toes in at first
Yes it took me a while
I shifted, sifted, pondered, waited & then
I decided to jump right in
It was time
I quit thinking it over
I stopped thinking the worst
I stopped waiting and wishing
I decided to jump head first
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