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Sep 2020 · 62
Painter of the sky
Renae Sep 2020
I can remember the sky
just as vividly
as I could freeze in time
the way I felt inside
I tried to focus on the colors
like a raging fire
shades of deep orange
red, blue, purple & the brightest yellow
Paintbrush strokes
could only compliment
the genius of an original
For a moment
the firey sky was all I saw
until my racing mind
connects dots again,
a smile spreads
across my lips,
in a glimpse all I could do
was gaze at his glory
thankful to know the painter of the sky
Sep 2020 · 58
honestly
Renae Sep 2020
honestly your honesty
leaves a lot to be
desired
you said to me
rather candidly
"3 or 4 others
don't matter
love is something
you give away"
so as long as they're
okay, with letting you play
i shouldn't mind
either
only thing i see
is your honesty
clearly is your only flaw
so charismatic
you take your place
as if you belong
with every pretty face
you see as you scan the room
well honestly
i don't see what you see
all  i can say is
thank you
for showing me...
you
Aug 2020 · 111
Love to me
Renae Aug 2020
Love to me is not a whisper
It shouts from the rooftops
No
Love is not a secret
You place in your pocket
Love connects
Interacts
yearns for & craves
Love is always thinking
Of ways
For laughter to overturn
The frown
For respect to take the cake!
For oneness to accept
Forgive & forget...
Love
Conquers and saves
Jul 2020 · 76
Caught up
Renae Jul 2020
I'm not in my feelings
crying anymore
I shut that door
For the last time.

Healing is upon me
Today all I see
Is victory

Conscious imagery
Has never been my thing
I spill out
Recklessly

The way flour spills
everywhere
It's so hard to
Clean

The mess is me
I am best
Caught up in it

In my messy moments
Doing everything I can
to feel alive
important and free

To believe in me
Apr 2020 · 73
Silence
Renae Apr 2020
Is golden
So they say
Stay quiet
Or give yourself away
They say
Obey
Don't ask
Or give yourself away
Silence is a killer
It lets the bad guys
get away
Wolves will come to the field
If the sheep begin to play
Silence is a killer
for the chilren
locked away
For the wives who want
relief
But are scared of what to say
Silence is like eggshells
Lying on the floor
You do not know where to step
when careful
won't calm the mental roar
Silence is the worst
No fear
Or overwhelm
Or anxiety or pandemics
Or is it just a scared society....
that puts you
in the ground
Renae Apr 2020
Wandering mind
Wondering what's gone wrong with me
And try not to try
Swayed in the wind
Swayed by desire
Can't reach the moon up above
And I don't dare touch the fire
'Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
And I want you all my life
Always on my mind
You're miles and miles away
But somehow you're close
If I can't have my cake
And eat it too
I guess the sound of your voice on my machine
Will just have to do
'Cause the trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
The trouble with wanting is I want you
And I want you all the time
And if you never come back
If you never call
I say I'll understand....
Feb 2020 · 126
Listen
Renae Feb 2020
Let him go play with her heart
Loosen your grip on his
He won't give
This tension is relentless
You're far too precious
don't shrink yourself
Into believing you're less
You're not a fraction of the best
He doesn't know how to love
Your head will stay a mess
Charisma isn't enough
Chemistry will pass
Being in bed isn't all you need
To make it last

A listener who cares
A love whose there,
More than pillow talk
more than lifeless stares
Someone who'll hold you
Through your tears
He picks you up and lights your fears
The journey is together
Connected so deep
when you speak
Commited to eachother
I help you, you help me
Make it last forever
This is something you keep
Relationships are between 2 hearts. Only 2
Jan 2020 · 44
To fall in love
Renae Jan 2020
You said "Your *****'s not big enough,
you aren't that great, you aren't all that, old lady,  you're boring"
You made me feel like anybody
More like nobody than somebody
Even though you never even knew me
Or took the time
So it should be understandable
I never fell in love with you.

Masculine

Feminine

I guess I'm somewhere in between

Masculine because I need me
Gotta step up my game
Hustle and make a living

Feminine me, is never seen
Locked away in my beauty cave
Preserved for the one
who proves to me
He believes I'm worth the effort
Worth the time
Worth the chase


That's the one I'll belong to and he will be mine. ♡
Jan 2020 · 43
What do you want to be?
Renae Jan 2020
I ask my daughter one day, what do you want to be when you grow up? She said to me, "Mommy when I grow up I want to be a pig" she loved pigs and I laughed, she was 4. A few years later I ask her again, her reply this time: "I want to be me, only I want to do whatever I want!"  I thought, how smart. We don't need a label or a sign slapped across our foreheads to define us. We are good enough to be anything we want anytime we want! So don't be ashamed if one day you change because, guess what, minds change, if we want them to. We are not too old to dance or sing, & we are never too old to play. So I stopped asking her what she wanted to be, I finally understood, she was already happy & there's nothing more she could ask for.
Dec 2019 · 45
Paradise
Renae Dec 2019
Warm sand seeps
through my toes
with every step
The ocean breeze
fresh sweet hibiscus scent
floats through the air
I almost taste coconuts & pineapple listening to the rythm of steel drums
in the distance
Without a worry in the world
far from anxiety
I sit in peace, one with the palms
my only thought is
where should I build my treehouse?
Where will I hang my hammock?
Should I wear shoes today?
Nov 2019 · 103
I lose
Renae Nov 2019
I face the mirror I see in you
My grip loosens from my rope
Where I tried to tie us in a knot
Nov 2019 · 60
I forget
Renae Nov 2019
What was the reason again
It's lost somewhere between
kisses and the caress of your skin
I cannot remember
Words unsaid
The moments of pleasure
fleeting as seconds fly by
I tried to tell you
I cannot soften your brick wall
My eyes could not penetrate you
My curves, not shapely enough
My lips never got through
My tongue ******* in knots
I said I loved you
Called you mine
Forever etched in my soul
I try to escape from my mind
What was it again
The reasons I won't give in
I rack my memory  for
Something I forget
Sep 2019 · 85
One more time
Renae Sep 2019
I must apologize
my heart lept from my chest again
I could not reach out
to stop it
words flew from my lips
without telling my brain
they were leaving

one more time
triggers provoke my wild thoughts
before I could close my eyes
in peace

I apologize for my eyes
they stay open, even in the night
I can see in the dark
you hate that

one more time
I apologize
tattered as I mourn
I broke my own heart
believing in you
Apr 2019 · 216
Your Roadway
Renae Apr 2019
When I walk your roadway
I love the steep hills
I notice the beauty
I see the greenery
The shade of oaks
Covers me
The breeze cools my skin

When I walk your roadway
My intentions are pure
My heart sees only the good in you
My eyes try to find honesty
In yours

When I walk your roadway
I hope the best
For your life
My thoughts towards you
are only peace

I do not seek to waste
Your time or mine
I sacrifice my own
To walk your roadway
Service
Apr 2019 · 64
His life
Renae Apr 2019
Not a single flaw presented
He walked a straight
Unfettered line
Unafraid
Decisive
Not a worry for the past
He left behind
Unmarked in all his ways
He left footprints
For us to follow
His death was bitter,
cruel & undeserved
This is a pill to swallow
Of value unsurpassed
All he ask
Is that we show our faith
Through action
So we must obey
truly I tell you today
our sins will be forgiven
Jesus ransom sacrifice. He died as a perfect human almost 2000 years ago today at 3pm.
Apr 2019 · 64
Would you?
Renae Apr 2019
Nuzzled up against him;
her ***** in his chest
The widest smile she could make
across her face was spread.
Adjoining with his own,
picture perfect together.
Best friends in a vow,
.....but never ever lovers?
He said, "Lovers come & lovers go
Friendship lasts forever"

Oh but darlings don't you know?
The two should be together.
Cherished friendship,
where forgiveness blossoms,
endless trials
cannot stop them
Together their love is enough,
Would you separate love?
Apr 2019 · 44
Forced
Renae Apr 2019
Not coaxed, forced
Like a hammer and nail
Like a pole shoved onto the ground
Not gently or smooth
Like an ice pick slams into ice
Or an axe chops wood in two
That is how forced
It felt with you
Apr 2019 · 175
Solitude
Renae Apr 2019
Listen
Can you hear the peace?
It's calling me
Apr 2019 · 113
RIP
Renae Apr 2019
RIP
Go ahead
tear me open just to sew me shut again.
All I ask, is that each time please
take some more stuffing with you.
Mar 2019 · 109
Friends
Renae Mar 2019
I remember when
you said
"we can just be friends"
I wouldn't let it
Because just friends
wasn't why we started
Now where am I
Time flew by
it was a rollercoaster ride
I tried and cried
now I understand why
Feb 2019 · 67
I jumped
Renae Feb 2019
I slowly dipped my toes in at first
Yes it took me a while
I shifted, sifted, pondered, waited & then
I decided to jump right in
It was time
I quit thinking it over
I stopped thinking the worst
I stopped waiting and wishing
I decided to jump head first
Dec 2018 · 44
I lose
Renae Dec 2018
I focus as I peer into my mirror
Twin image of me standing there
In silence no words are exchanged
I suppose there is nothing more to say
All my breath has been exhausted
My heart exposed
My mirror image laughs at me
Just out of reach
He likes it when I lose
Dec 2018 · 84
Content
Renae Dec 2018
When I picture us
It is so real to me
I guess I'm in a state of mind
Of fantasy
Only better
in the kitchen baking
You walk up behind me
We tease and toss flower
And play in happy bliss
kiss and love and laugh
Like children
Carelessly playing together
Happy
Satisfied
Content
Dec 2018 · 45
Rated
Renae Dec 2018
Everything is rated
How you feel & what you say
Are you as cool as they think you should be?
Who are they?
What gives them the right to say how cool anything is anyway?
What is the definition of happy?
A hundred, a thousand like?, a million compliments?
5 stars, hundreds of hearts
Comfortable distance in the midst of it
Social connection or social death
I suppose they'll decide
It all depends on how you're rated
Just remember no one can see inside
Nov 2018 · 325
No doubt
Renae Nov 2018
He doesn't call
He doesn't try
He let go after all this time

Together they fall
Separated they fly

He thinks he's God's gift
God wouldn't make her cry

Or leave her guessing
He would dignify
No need to question
Not a doubt in sight
Nov 2018 · 40
Stubborn Me
Renae Nov 2018
Me
Like the thrashing sea
One moment calm
crashing the next
Rebellious as if I were 3
I won't listen to you but
You better listen to me
Stuck in my head
I'm sure that's not what I said
Yesterday I severed ties with my cut throat tongue
I didn't mean it I promise
I was just being stubborn
That's the way I learned to be
Stubborn me
Nov 2018 · 41
A million and one
Renae Nov 2018
If forever was here
I couldn't count
memories nor tears
All the nights
You were on my mind
even then it wouldn't equal the sum
My thoughts roll into one
Replaying in melodies
Dreams in a daze
You seemed so real
Holding me so dear
Whispering I was everything
Imagining tortures me
A love I won't receive
Over and over I can see
Impossibilities
A million and one times
Nov 2018 · 55
Untitled
Renae Nov 2018
Engulfing me
Wrapped around my heart
Thick darkness of desire
I could not help but falter
Blind love a disease
Buries me in quicksand
Becoming one with the silence
I give up the struggle
Before my breath escapes
Aug 2018 · 74
I believe
Renae Aug 2018
I believe in my heart
I believe in free will
In forgiveness & mercy
faith & conscience still
I believe love conquers
Above all
I believe a lot
Is bound to fall
Many will fail into thin air
Like the chaff, will disappear
I believe in what's written
Centuries in advance
Holding  prophetic value
Giving humans a chance
I believe that Jehovah
Cannot lie
I believe in what's true
Over what is a lie
Jul 2018 · 30
Dreams
Renae Jul 2018
You're sound asleep
blissfully unaware
I wish you were lying here
I dream awake
Imagination spinning weaves
Unending roads of meaning
All leading
To you
Jul 2018 · 37
Beyond repair
Renae Jul 2018
"You didn't love her! You just didn't want to be alone. Or maybe, maybe she was good for your ego. Or, or maybe she made you feel better about your miserable life, but you didn't love her, because you don't destroy the person that you love!"

Why do I feel like this quote was written about me?
Not the one with the ego
The one destroyed
Love does not destroy
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