I try to hard to perfect it... someone has to notice my effort.
I drown my sorrows in a  book, cramming information into my "empty" mind according society.
I am on a high from caffeine , I have to be superwoman.. save the day, save the world and stuff...

I give my all , fight to the last second but my best is not good enough anymore. In my own highway of dreams I carry coffins of rejects.....
I am tired of writing my "wrongs" that society identified..
I am tired of being perfect and tired of being tired...

I was not good enough for my mother, who chose to find acceptance in a bottle...I had a boy for a father and a judge as society..
As time stands still I engrave all the "rejects" in my gravestone ....
Here lived a soul not goo enough for society..

I stand bu the coast and shut my eyes .. the breeze hits against my face and for a moment I feel free....
I take these white pills and for a moment I am free,,, acceptable..
I swim in these intoxicating liquid and for a second I am free... acceptable to society,, Good enough....

CONFESSIONS OF A DROPOUT: DEAR EDUCATION
I am caught up in the ideal world where I breeze through the fast paced life
I look back and I see no one not even my own shadow
Life dumped me on a rainy day because I wanted to become of this generation
I was everything to pretend friends
Life seemed worth it with everything but you
The drugs, the cars, the money and the alcohol… ****! I even drank methanol
But when push came to shove I had to grow up
By then life had already given me deathly blows that were beyond me
Deathly blows that sent me to a dark pit, a dark pit were life ceases to exist
God himself knows that I am beyond saving grace since I am a different case
Truth be told I dug my own grave
Now I am a slave to this burning rage
I now believe I am going to rot in this cage
Poverty looked and me said when I grow up I want to be like that girl
Pain looked at me and shed tears….. Death visited me and renounced its existence
So dear education if you ever get this letter know that I send my sincere apologies
I wish I could have listened, I wish we could have been friends more
I now live a life of regret were I dream of having a ride on death’s train
I wish you could take me back but furthermore I pray that you lend me a dying wish
Dear education…… please do accept my apologies!

Echoes from within-
The constant ripples of these calming echoes have become my own kind of serenity.
I feel as if I am walking under water, the angel of death has struck me with his intoxicating arrow.
When these unknown echoes bounce off the invisible walls that surround me I am able to stop time.
I move to the rhythm of this darkness, sway to the tempo of the echoes that have invaded me for so long. Hell this isn’t a cold war no more. .  I reminisce over the day I made my choice. The day I was saved by these unknown echoes, the day I received this freedom that has me enslaved.

As I walked down the aisle, my shadow comforts me. I look back and smile. At least someone stayed behind.
I stood at the altar, my bare feet adorning the cold floor. Taking in all of what I deserved, nothing.
I stood at the cold altar, looking death in the face as I said my vows; I pledged my life, confessed my eternal love.  As I engraved death’s name across my chest, my empty hallow chest.

My long walk to freedom is an infinite road, a deadly labyrinth that has me going in circles.
These cold metals hold me in my right place, like gravity they hold me down, down where I belong.
As these chains cut deep into my skin, I feel a bit of relief. I still appreciate the pain that never left me.
I am filled with gratitude as this sharp razor blade embraces my flawless skin, as I receive the only love I’ve ever known.
This is the kind of love that fills me with uttermost joy, love that life could not give me.
As this sharp blade carves into my pale skin I drift into my happy place, my safe place.
The clinking sound of the cold metals sinking into my skin sends me on a rampage inside this comforting cage. If I don’t have these echoes I have nothing!

As the spotlight focuses on me, I can’t help but disappear into the background.
I am dead beat from chasing these shadows that deprecate me into nothing.
I see my pain bouncing off these walls like relentless echoes that end up in this empty space.
As this red liquid drips and dances to the rhythm of my empty beating chest I curse the darkness that gave birth to me.
This deep dark dripping liquid, matches the pulse of these echoes that surround me, these unknown echoes.
As I stand on top of this mountain that amounts to the sins against me: cases against my innocent tainted blood I can’t help but scream. I question the shadows that surround me I summon the death that gave birth to me, but what I hear are echoes of my own voice.

As this deep dark red liquid drips from my wrist I feel at ease. I feel as though I have paid the universe. I hope to lose myself in time, in space like the resonance that suffocates me.
I hope that this deep dark red pool that I lay in will help me float into the sunset. Award me the freedom I long begged for. I am tired of chipping bits of my dark soul in order to fit the picture, tired of the weight of the world on my shoulders, tired of chasing the fast spotlight. What I have, what I own, what I know are these echoes from within me, echoes unknown.

I feel you constantly each second
You are the one thing I breathe, the one thing I cling onto for my dear life
What did I ever do to you?
I am in debt to you?
I work hard, pay my dues and respect the world
What did I do to deserve such persecution?
Dear pain I think our contract has to be terminated
But then again if you leave me who is left with my dark soul
Who is left to keep me company at my lonely dark grave?
I am tired of being used, dumped and stepped on
Haven’t you had your fun yet? I think I have reached my dying limits
I give up! Then pain, please I beg!
Lend me a dying wish!
I think in this game of cat and mouse you have won
I think I am now brave enough to accept defeat
I am strong enough to handle the fact that I am nothing!
Dear pain, I have nothing but tears to shed
Dear pain, lend me a dying wish!
If you do come to my funeral, don’t be sad
We were good friends, the best of the best
I would have not wronged the world if I say I enjoyed having you
Dear pain, please keep away from the ones I LOVE
Lend them the opposite of my imperfections
Dear pain my partner in this emotionless crime
PLEASE! DO LEND ME A DYING WISH….

By: One Pamela Pusumane.
ALL RIGHTS RESERVED BY THE COPYRIGHT HOLDER AND AUTHOR.

And so she edited herself
to forgive herself.

Because I failed to fit into the boarder lines of society I am an outlaw.
I color my skin in 50 shades of make up, what they dont know is that what they see is 50 shades of pain, 50 shades of ****** up, 50 shades of death under the moonlight,

As I  lay by the beach side death caresses my skin, we lay side by side.
watching the sun set, we talk about the future, horror stories that lay beyond the horizon.
beautiful shades of red that the world is yet to see.

I edit my skin because I wish that life would take a second glance at me... these emotions I go through, these smiles, cries and whatever I do to seem human are my 50 shades of pain.

Need not blame me for being insecure
I am no doctor, hell I don’t have the cure
You cared, you landed you ears but I looked the other way
I did not having anything to say and I now know that was never okay

Who was I to judge you,, but then again when the world taught me to hate what more can I do?
I am lost in this dark hole where love ceases to exist, this pit I call hell.
How can I love when I do not know the meaning of the word?
I pushed you away because no one can come in
I build this barrier this wall, this guard that I never let down
Dear I pushed you away you never had a single chance, not one in a million


Truth be told I did care... I do have a heart in this dark cold empty chest of mine
Please tell the world then to give me lashes like my mother did
I am speechless, robbed of words and all I have is a fake smile
All I can do is marry this darkness...
I am  suffocating and  I think that  I am going to lose myself any minute now


Dear I pushed you away…. You never stood a chance
But if I may ask are you willing to wait for all eternity?
Truth is I care so much it hurts.. but after loneliness dumped me on a rainy day
After love stabbed me in the back, after I walked through gates of hell
I could take it no more
The universe denied me joy
I now hate the world…..
It’s painful enough that I have to drown in this blissful agony
The true me that illuminates when the fake pretense is stripped off
I carry hate around as though I depended on it to live

I bear great regrets that have got me wishing
Wishing I had life’s reset button
But then again it’s a wish
I guess my own heart bleeds through paper
As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
I thought I had it all
But I now realize…. Any minute now…. I might just fall
Can I have a friend who will hold my hand?
I guess the utter silence means pen and paper are forever with me
Dear I pushed you away…….. do accept this letter.

Slowly I fade away into the background to be forgotten
Bluntly dumped full of mold like I am rotten
I took a chance ….. I went ahead with fate’s plan…. I took a leap of faith
I think it’s now safe to say I now know what is pain…I now understand Cain
Life is a two faced ***** who will stab you in the back
Does not care whether you blue, green or black
At last, I got the memo; at last I get the picture because there was never one
Truth be told I never did belong… life treated me like a disposable material
Even some materials are recycled.. What about me then?  Aint  I that worth it?
I wish I could find someone who loves me for me…
Someone who does not sell me empty promises and then leave me dry, hanging and afraid of the world
Its funny enough I sought to the devil for refuge... …Was willing to shed blood to belong
But… but he too even dumped me! I look to the heavens for solace but I receive denunciation
They made me feel like there was nothing left of me
Am I wrong for wanting more? Am I a sinner for asking for acceptance?
My knees be blue and black from praying loud yet silent unanswered prayers
My heart bleeds as I illuminate a fake smile…my dark soul suffocates me
I gasp for air as if I am in a pit of hell. No… I am in hell
I search this world seeking where I could fit in….. but to no avail
I guess everyone does belong somewhere right? This god had a plan!
A well constructed script that included everyone even the unwanted extras
What about me then? That’s a question I ask as the heavens deny me placate
That’s my case against the world….. Because the world sold me a dream
A dream that was a blunt twisted lie because life proved me wrong
My blood runs cold with a chill
****! I think I might need that ecstasy pill
I put on my pride…… hell life took me for a **** ride! I now watch from the side
At last as I make my final choice …. To depart this earth...
This trap, this tunnel of horror with no glimpse of light
Dear too late... …. If ever this note reaches you ... In this exact moment when you read it
It then means at last you got what you wanted
At last you may never ever understand because... Because
You never really knew me….at last I just faded into the background

Messages wrapped in pink bows were never my cup of tea.
Let me have it out in the open, lay your true self out and allow yourself to have a holy dance with your monsters.

For once, crucify yourself for sins overdue and preach the fear you have been trying to escape. If you cannot save yourself, try saving someone. We must be worth something. We must.
-One

Love is hate because it spits me out at the shores of violent seas, and the world does not stop moving even though  3 years of  my life  are washed down the drain.Gunshots never cease and lately they have become a lullaby for my 1 year old sister who is lifeless on the floor, I mean love cannot  survive nukes.

Love is a silent tragedy because the man next door is not moved as my brother dodges bullets and cover his bleeding ears whilst trying to outrun a lion in the wild.

Love is confusion because what i see everyday is man killing one another because we have different skin tones.
Love is selfish and arrogant because it knows no boundaries nor offers any respect.Love is a ****** because it violates and strips all innocence all in the name of sacrifice.

Love is a ****** because it kills dreams in the name of honesty. Love is an idea that helps us sleep at night because deception is the fuel to survive in this cold world.Love is a conman.

You let me down every time....
Your judgement destroys whats left of me every time,,,
Instead of letting these tears fall I prefer to smile..
I throw the lamp at you so that I can miss..
I scream so you can tell me to calm down...

I Push you away so you can pull me closer...
To hate you means I once loved you.. I still do.
It hurts to see you everyday and act like I dont care
It hurts that every time I am happy the first person I want to tell is you.

It hurts to love you, every time....
It hurts that everyday I dream about waking up next to you
It hurts that every time you never notice me...
You can be among-st a crowd and I will still find you..
That's because I love you and it hurts , every time...
And finally it hurts to accept that you dont know how I feel

Yesterday I read this funny joke and I immediately dialed ur number....
After a few seconds of battling with reality I hung up.
I went into the deli today and ordered your favorite meal... I never like it but yesterday was different.. it was like part of you was there.

I slept on your side of the bed ... I somewhat thought it would make me feel better and close enough to you but no... it *****!
I think I am finally accepting the fact that I miss you so much that it hurts,,,
I cant breath,,,,, sleeping is a mission because every night I cry myself to sleep.... and I wish you were the every time...to hold me in your arms ,, tell me its going to be Ok, that you are there for me... But these are just thoughts and desires... glimpses of the past that I can never have back...

I cant pretend anymore.. I miss you... .....

Its been months since pen ad paper visited
I guess we have all been busy. Caught up.
Consumed by the world around us,
To and fro trying to prove my worth to
those who still leave me anyway.

I drown from liquid to liquid
and yet I never find oceans where my ancestors drowned in
I could never find the voice that has been calling me .
begging for me to join life on the Otherside of the veil

Getting out of bed seems to be a mission
chasing daydreams of finding love and acceptance
I guess I am now back to the only One that will forever accept me
Pen and paper . silent yet loud. accepting yet sometimes so harsh with
pounding rejection because most times I can't even disvirgin paper
so i remain there .. clueless on what steps to take.
I think that's why I am still searching for my worth in random places.
Reasons why people I used to care about became random faces

Life stood on the far end of the room...
his gaze burned a hole through my empty soul
The silence was deafening.... until "he" asked..
"what is it you want from me".......
I then went on to name "peoples" dreams
Who should have what.. who deserves what
how much and why "they" deserve it..

All this time I never realized that in my own highway of dreams
In my own highway of hope and happily ever afters I carried  someones dream
I gave away my own so that "they" can have  it all.

The universe calls it love.. I call it weakness....
It took away everything ,,,,,I dont know who I am anymore
I dont know what I want anymore.... But what I know is that ,,,,
"Love" is no more because it robbed me.,

Look what I’ve done.
World, look at me. I am pretty. Accept me.
Facebook like, love or whatever reaction cradle
Me in your arms like my mother never did
Tell me I matter.
Kiss me under the stars just
To prove to me that my dark past does not need
To overshadow my flickering happiness.
Let me breath you in just to prove that
This yin and yang mystery can be real.
Two hearts can synchronize.


Look what I’ve done.
Mommy look at me past my disappointments
Lover, look at me like I am the definition of perfection.
Toy with my bleeding heart like a **** in a chess game.
Dangle me. Make me feel whole and leave me empty.
Make me realize that I keep loving “deep” statuses
Because I find pieces of myself in them.
I keep trying to find my voice because
She ran away for me.


Look what I’ve done.
Look at what I am. I am alive.
I didn’t tap out. I survived.
I faced my demons and won some battles.
Lost more but I am here.
Look at me burying those I love.
I went out to hunt grief and before I left
I dug two graves.
One for my happiness and the other for my pain.


Look at what I have done.
God look at me!
Tell me why you never left
A suicide note to explain why I became a monster
The reason why you sent guardian angels
to protect us because we break everything we touch.
We hate happiness because it reminds us of something
we can hold onto for a lifetime.
Look at me. I hate death because
She reminds me of regret and the I love you
That I could have and should have said.
The I am sorry and the tight hugs.
A constant reminder that a beating heart
Is sometimes life distilled to its purest form.


Look at what I’ve done.
I became the human I promised to never become.
The alcoholic my mother is. The abuser that was my father.
My emotionless grandfather.
My voiceless grandmother.
The friend who ignores friends when
They need me most because I am afraid they
Wont reply to my 2am rants when I am confessing my dark secrets
How will I ever forgive myself for the things I did not become?
Look at me!
Look at what I’ve done.

The simple thing we ask for in life are never what we get. We surround ourselves with objects, people and in the end get attached because we all want to belong somewhere. Individuals would rather surround themselves with their enemies than face the music....

We would rather befriend the very thing we hate because we simply cannot be alone.
We would rather stay in a broken home, at least it is a home.
We would rather say we have friends when we don't because in this life you can never find a person who understands.

We find only those who will look past our flaws.
We hate death because it has no feelings, what we feel its not hate but admiration and adoration,,, we don't want to feel.... Because nothing hurts more than rejection.

Nothing hurts than letting your guard down and having life give up on you.

I never understand the beauty they see when they look at me. I mean whats beautiful about the aftermath of war........
I can understand manufactured beauty that comes at the cost of a paintbrush..... some expensive lipstick .... that type of illusion that will make them look twice.

What I don't understand is when you tell me that I am beautiful at random times or when you text me to ask how my day is going.... I dont understand how you can think of me when I cant think of me.... I dont understand when you tell me you love me..Who could love such a mess??

I dont understand how you take 10 steps forward when I am always backing away 10 times more.... I dont understand what you see that my mirror hasnt showed me.. Last time I checked demons dont love and I am sure there is no shade better than black.. I just dont understand.

I keep hearing of this master plan,, the grand plan,,, and NO,, don't try to preach to me,, I know the whole bible,, even the banned scriptures.
I have searched for answers but found none.
I am tired of carrying this cross, I cant do this any more.....

I have been to churches,, I have heard the preacher sell hope like my mother sold me,, God's master plan right?
I have had to dogged bullets in the darkest places, have had to carry peoples dreams and responsibility in my own highway of dreams.

I have had to die so that some can survive, Never loved so that someone can get a second chance in life.
Truth is being a saint did not help me, made miserable.. still does..
Can I please change the canvas? or bring in new colors..

Perhaps beyond the horizon there is a new background....
A reality that man denies himself..
A lighter burden perhaps...
or more reverse psychology to make me face tomorrow

You are trying to love me but I wont let you
because I am also trying to love me
It will take eternity for me to break down this way
I have to find me another way of doing this
and in that path,,, you don't exist

I cant give you a piece of me, to me you are a stranger
I don't want to hold hands with a stranger
I don't want to be loved when I don't know how to love
I cant do this....

I don't love, I don't need you anymore.
So as you walk out don't look back, as I break your heart don't cry.
Lesson learned is that you deserve better, better than me, better than this.
I can never give you want you want , which is me.

I had dreams and ambitions , I was a ******* a mission.
I had to no time for jokes and stuff. I had my eye on the prize, everything was great. Fantasies were not for me .

One day life came knocking at my door and hit me with the cold truth.
It was something different than what I have experienced, In a fraction of  a second I lost everything... I watched my dreams fade,,
My world was slowly fading awaiting like light when darkness take over.

They say there will always be light at the end of a long tunnel.
I tell you today that there is no light, more darkness prevails and owns the day.

Who am I to think I was different from the rest, who am I to think I could make the best from the worst?
Who am I to have ambitions beyond reality?
Who am I to have dreams?

Today reality gave me a clear picture
I no longer see an illusion
But what I realize that my inception is my perception
Where am I? In this world I am a speckle of dust, diminutive I remain
Lost I remain, useless am I
I am tired of pretend faces
Weary of liars, cheaters and the world’s empty promises
I have seen more fake smiles
Than stupid rainbows of fantasy
I have witnessed life’s biggest moments
I watched mankind’s biggest failure
I know the feeling of defeat
Every time I come up for air
Life acts all unfair
The universe makes me the laughing stock
I have seen more backstabbers than genesis of day break
I met many monsters of this world
Monsters that are shoddier than demons that walk through the gates of hell.
They caused me more pain than piercing words of the devil himself
I have had my heart shattered to a million pieces
I have travelled pitch black paths that even darkness himself would never consider
I guess I got lost in life’s maze
I am dead beat from fighting to fit in
I am jaded from loosing invisible battles
I think it’s now Ok to say need I not any man’s opinion
I cannot take this feeling anymore
I now lay here… wondering…
How am I to escape?
Because veracity to the world
I was never human…… all I do is pretend, all I do is fake.
If life lets me… can I please ask… anyone out there?
What is it to be human????

One.
One year later and l have learnt that a light  house will survive everything and will never hold a grudge against the waves.
So let me lead you home.
Let me direct your path. Allow me to be your safety despite the destruction you have become my love.
Let me be something.

I think that in the end we would rather keep our pain than jump at a chance for joy....

We would rather hate than forgive and forget because forgiving makes it "ok".

We would rather keep our own crosses than trade for anything else...

I would rather go home to a husband who bashes my face in and his gifts to me are a couple of broken bones and bruises than take a chance with this cold world....

Once you find someone who loves u.. love u in their own kind of way... everything seems OK, perfect even... because nothing hurts more than rejection and uncertainty... It has to hurt to be "Love" ,,, right CUPID?

I put pen to paper as I try to express my emotions.
I put blade to skin as I try to draw my pain .
I scream and shout as though life would look back and give me another chance.
After relentless echoes of my piercing wail I start to do my ***** laundry on the streets. Society glares at me with utter disgust.
What they see is a figure who does not belong.

I am a man in a foreign place, a foreign object I suppose.
Like a speck of dust I cling onto the open space..
May be someday I might belong somewhere, anywhere but here.
Because this place refused my ***** laundry.

And on that day my love. You will understand why time exists. Limits and endings.

They are there for cowards like you who kidnap cupid only
To find that they cannot **** her.
You can’t demand a ransom because I was never available to the taking.
I belong to whomever is brave enough to take on my demons.
Blow after blow.Kiss after kiss. Smile after frown.

I was never  yours to own or brand .
I am the one you find at the bottom of “seen” and beside double ticks as if
Black and blue weren’t a perfect match.

I am the one you find at the bottom of a Hennessey bottle or a shot glass.
Because I hit that hard and remind you that regret and pain have a redial button.
I am the one that will remind you that I can’t be  reason
enough that mommy or daddy did not love you
Bohoo. The world is cold and dark. I am sure you if you searched deeper
and looked a bit longer
You will see that god doesn’t just send angels to look over us for no reason
We are monsters that need guarding.
Don’t play with fire if you are not ready to burn all the way
This love game is for grown-ups. Sit down and play with your toys.
Let the adults handle this.
Be a coward. Walk away and I hope that one day you will have the courage to look
Back on days when assessing liquids and suffocating in thick clouds
gives you the strength to do so.
Find me in the darkness and in the light.
I am the Yin and Yan. ***** being either One.
I am both. I am what they call the One.
Your beginning and your end.
Since you have ended this journey, let me start. One.

Never have I seen death so beautiful until today..
He came into my dreams and we took a tour of the world.
I have never had such fun, I have never laughed so much.

It was painful to watch such a "live"  soul accused of such crimes.
I mean he is the sole reason why we keep photographs and portraits
In everyday life we appreciate what we have and cherish it because death inspires us to.

Never have i seen such beauty wrecked, but then again that humanity,
we wreck everything we touch and blame it all on evolution and development.

Death visited me today and never have I felt such warmth and love
Death visited me today and all that I saw is a misunderstood being.
Death visited me today and never have I been so content.

I run to my friends with all these fears and they tell me it will be OK.
I cant put it into words to tell them how I cant sleep, I cant breath
How I lay in my bed everyday and cry... Tears that stream down my face are of mixed emotions, but the truth is I am tired
How I wake up every morning with a pounding head and how long I have been popping pain killers.

I keep chasing shadows that I will never catch, In my own highway of dreams I  have been letting through people's dreams and never mine.
I am tired of society's high bar, the stuff we  have to do be accepted to be loved.
This is a burden I cannot carry, a cross I can no longer bear.
So in this open space I crucify my empty soul.
In these empty space i divorce society and life because I cant any more.

I toss and turn as monsters hunt me in my dreams . I wish and pray for a fairy godmother who can return me to my mothers womb. Being born was not my agreement to this cold harsh world.

I used to find answers at the bottom of a bottle and happiness at a touch of razor blade .. Then life came and told me stories about stupid friends and fake sunsets . He told me or happy endings tied in a bow and I felt for it . Every **** bit.

I tore myself down and hoped that I could be better everyday. That I could fit the picture that they were looking for  but I never did . Instead I told myself lies because I needed to sleep at night . Even for an hour before God switched the lights back on.

I now realize pain is not something you leave behind , it owns you for life so why denied it? Your shadow leaves you but your blade never does . And trust me you can fbe me love at the bottom of a bottle .

I have never been a big fan of rejection. I play hide and seek with its shadows because I cannot come into terms with the fact that you don't want me. I feel as though I am holding you back from living.

I hesitate when I call your name because I know you would rather have the silence or rather me silenced by life. So my love I will sit in my quiet corner and slowly fade away into the darkness.I will not make a single sound nor will I breath because I am burden to everything. everyone. Even me.

As the day dawns on me so do my scars
They now retreat back into my pale skin
I then see deception entering the room
I welcome him with opens arms

This is a man I have missed...
These are the lies I have yearned for because I have been loosing sleep
Never have I been so in love, never have I been so content
Never have I seen such a strong grip by lust nor death

Preacher sold me lies today in church...
he stood there and said there is "happiness"
but I ask thee, I ask the deceptive figure that lay before me
Is it happiness or simply deception that keeps us going..

Some call it faith, fate, hope ,persistence, perseverance... all those names
But I know its true form, I know its true nature
Its deception.. it creeps every time....
Because we cant accept it we call it "Names"

It hurts to love you. Holding you in my arms is like stepping on a thousand needles.
I don't want to shed tears no more, I don't want to be no more.
I have been always OK with failing myself but I cant accept failing you, failing us.

So today I am going to bury my heart, I am going to lay it in concrete.
I don't intend on retrieving it, ever, because I don't want to love you no more
This sadness is a wound I can never heal so I would rather live through these moments of pain , shame and disappointment..

Maybe without feeling the pain it would be easier , it would be easier to hold you in my arms and get lost in them.
I would not want to crawl out of my own skin every time you make love to me because it hurts to love you.

One thing I know, one thing I wish for, one thing I would die for
One thing I pray for is that you die a horrible death
I wish … yeah that’s right...It’s just a wish!
If I had the choice to free you or the devil himself
If I had a choice between life and death
A route between heaven and hell… I would sure choose the latter for you
Trust me; I have acknowledged the fact that I am a biological error.
A constant remind of your foolish mistakes. Your own hell I suppose.
You made me make pain a hero, a friend and a **** father you never were.
Death was my mother that I desperately prayed to for her to take me home.
I was desperate for my own peace at my lonely grave
Desperation could not keep up with me; I guess I was beyond the poor thing.
I hope that someday life will serve you as a devil’s dish.
In my own world, in my own fantasy, my own deception of coping with reality, you do exist.
In my own world I am daddy’s little girl, with the pony tails and ****.
I am that girl that waits for you to come back from work.
You exist as a figment of my own imagination when people talk about their families.
I long for your embrace like the Sahara’s desert crave for water.
I long for freedom like a slave. My own emotions crucified me.
I stare down death everyday as though I was staring at you.
I guess the simple truth is that I want to see a friendly face in this empty crowd.
Dear father, I hope they have a special place for you in hell, were you will burn for eternity.
When I needed you, you needed a needle. I cried for you but you cried for some sick *****!
I cried for weeks and months until it hit me; you aren’t worth it.
You missed the first time I walked. The first time I talked. The first time I shined bright.
I bet you are going to run away from your own funeral! That’s what you are good at.
So dear father, wherever you are don’t die yet. You still have to see my success story.
Witness with your own eyes how life ****** you up on a good opportunity.
I hope your bottles, fake *** ****** and more babies keep you warm at night.
I hope a car doesn’t run over you anytime soon.
Abandonment looked at you and ran away; responsibility looked at you and committed suicide.
But do not worry, I am here to stay. Call me your worst nightmare if you must.
When I told the devil my story he quit running hell and went back to heaven.
He felt you deserved it more. You are hell. Can you hear the bell? Your ride is here.
I will give you a ride to your own little grave.  Your little own cave.  
I think if you do get this letter know that this is what the universe calls impartiality.

My inner being struggles to keep the inside wall standing
Suicidal thoughts invade me... paralyzing me.
I am ****** down on memories I would rather forget .
This is the pain that I long buried, I invited the blind spot in my mind.
It was there that I laid out my deepest darkest secrets/fears.

I keep dipping in out of these shades of pain.
Every time these waters that I drown in become darker, reflecting my cold soul.
Lately I have been drinking like there are answers in a bottle, Lately I have been taking this white little pills to free my self.

I drown myself this toxic pool, my pain and I float into the sunset.
For a brief moment I see rainbows and unicorns dipped in magic.
I believe in fairy tales and the fact that love exists..
For a brief moment I forget my conception was the day God signed my death sentence...

I try to piece together shattered glass because I would rather see you be whole again.
The pain I feel is worth it because without it then what am I to feel if not this.I have lived long enough to see myself become a villain, the true monster I hated, I stare myself in the mirror with disgusted awe.I somewhat comfort myself because I can stare myself through your  eyes and feel as though its not the end but the beginning.

I watch sunsets as though I was lost in some fantasy far away from fantasy world itself. I would like you to give me a deathless death because its by your hand that I will lay in this cold grave and call it a home.

I Never Wanted,,,To Believe,,,
Until One Day,,,When It Happened To Me,,,
That,,,A Love,,,At First Sight,,,
Is Something,,,That Could Never Really Be,,,


And That Such A Thing,,,Only Happened,,,
In Dreams,,,And In Fairy Tales,,,
Until The Day,,,That You stood there
Right In Front Of Me,,,

And Without,,,,Ever knowing you every being ,,,
And Without,,,Even Knowing  your Full names
Can Someone,,,Please,,,Explain To Me,,,
How he Set,,,My Heart,,,To Flame,,,

And Now I Believe,,,In A Love,,,At First Sight,,,
And For Just,,,That One Moment,,,In Time,,,
I Have Finally Found,,,That Piece Of Mind,,,
That I Have Searched,,,My Entire Life To Find,,,

And In That Moment,,,A Feeling Of Complete Serenity,,,
Like Nothing I Had Ever Known,,,Came Over Me,,,
Like A Tsunami,,,Washing Everything Out To Sea,,,
A Love,,,At First Sight,,,Had Taken A Hold On Me,,,


Like Skies Of Blue,,,On A Cloudless Day,,,
Like Starry Skies,,,Underneath The Milky Way,,,
A Love,,,At First Sight,,,Can Only Be Described,,,
Like A Whirlwind,,,That Carries You Away,,,
And There Is Nothing,,,That You Can Do,,,Or Say,,,

Until You stood In Front Of Me,,,
I Thought That,,,A Love,,At First Sight,,,
Was Something,,,That Could Never Be,,,
And Things Like This,,,Only Exist,,,
In Dreams,,,And In Fairy Tales,,,
But,,,That Was Before,,,I Fell,,,
In Love,,,At First Sight,,,With You,,,

God owes us a  FAVOUR
I never understood
why bad things happen to good people.
I still find it hard to hide behind
scriptures as I tip toe around grim rippers.

God owes us a Favour!
Flavour flames your kindness could not be tamed
your smile is a flame on its own
You set hearts alight
and spark you own kind fire.

God owes us a Favour !
I wish god could have given her a death waiver
because I thought he was our saviour. I hope angels above
welcome you with open arms.

Cupid wants his arrow back because he said love dont love me
I dont get intoxicated by spells  that have the hearts of cold men
I guess I am different, unique or whatever ...
we all need to believe in something to get through the day.
we all tell ourselves lies, love those who will never love us back
in the end,we are all alone. Just like cupid.

Dinner was a mission, I often wonder if we are to
eat, sleep and ONE day die.  Someone from across the dinner
table asked me why I chew  on my chicken bones and sometimes
Leave the meat... I brushed the question off and said
"its an Africa thing. You know putting some respek on the chicken"

What I tell myself before I sleep is that at least I had
a chance to destroy something. Tear it down.hell grind it down to
dust and leave it like that. I enjoy draining the life out it.
watching the bone marrow seep out of the cracked
bones reminds of myself. Reminded of my shattered soul and
my will to live that seeps out of my shattered self every **** day.

I am reminded of everyone who has come and stripped me of my
"meat" whether I called it worth , sacrifices I made or simply trying to find love in places where rejection taught me that black skin
can bruise.
I am reminded that I  can chew these bones as hard as I want to and
then leave them without any sorry lingering in the air.
For once,  I get to destroy someone and walk out.
That's the only time I could feel worth it, I had the last say.
That's the only time I could turn into the monsters
that chipped   me into tiny pieces and taught me 2nd best is okay.

But these are just lies I mask as the truth. .. I look up to my classmate across the dinner table and smile. All is well. All is well. Just another mask I have to wear,,,,, Another lie I have to sell.....

I look at the pale figure that lay before my eyes and I cringe with sheer hate.
I stare in disgust awe as I think of a million ways not to be here.
She stares at me and smiles, for a moment I do not notice it.

The mask she wears is perfect, it was her second skin.
She makes pain look more appealing than that love story ending.
Darkness hoovers over her because it lusts after her soul.
Thoughts that run through her mind have no bounds

She stands at the cold alter, waiting upon death.....
The cold blade against her skin reminds her of the love to come..
She then digs deeper and deeper,,,,,, till she is home... free @ last..
Free from hating, free from everyone... free... just free....

Eternity has passed, time never stood still, I am the one who stood there.
I refused to take a leap of faith, believe in whatever and be positive.
May be at this moment I could be in your arms.we could be making memories under the moonlight or kissing in the rain as nature washes away my faults, we could have our own version of "The Notebook"

I go to bed everyday with 'what if's".... that's why I end up wanting the devil to knock me out.
I moved past the point of crying myself to sleep.
Truth is I got tired of everyone telling me how I messed up, what path I should have taken.

I am slowly getting tired of my own heart beat, why are all these people telling tales I already know?
We all cant be happy, I get it but can you allow me to right my wrongs?
I am tired of sipping on bottles, tired of these white pills . I cant be perfect but can I at peace with my regrets.

There is nothing more scarier than stripping your soul naked for someone who might not accept you.There is nothing more poetic than a man who is not afraid to feel nor fear walking through the burning fields of love. The kind of man that touches the depths of your soul in a way you never imagined. In places you never knew existed.

There is nothing more romantic than a man who destroys your walls and helps you build bridges...the kind of bridges that supports you and your burdens day in and out. There is nothing more romantic than a man who melts your heart by just starring at you.... there is nothing more rewarding than be loved.....

I don’t have exultant memories of childhood
Never have I build stupid sand castles in the air
All I am I owe to pain
I have never shared a genuine smile
At the end… everyone always leaves
So life…… I am going to leave you first
I would rather save myself the disappointment
I feel lost in a cave that is pitch black
I try to yell for help
But all I hear is the echo of my own pain
The thing about pain is that you will never ever gain
But then again when you feel it…. You still know that you are alive
My soul cries out yet there is still silence
I have travelled the world searching for answers
I have gone places searching for redemption
I have met many faces seeking consolation
I have gone through life’s phases that rendered me condemnation
I wish not to be of this generation
That is forever driven by desperation
I think I am beyond repair
I seem not to fit anywhere
The mistake I make is letting my guard now
Life has no sympathy... it never cares just like everyone around
I am sick of lies at least politics lie for a reason and you know why

LOSS
The violent waters hitting against my fragile face become bullets that punch holes through me.
I struggle to breath; as gravity deserts me because weakness left me hanging.
I look up to the heavens, I ask this god! I question the universe…..
Why me?  In this center stage I cry out! I scream! Can you hear me, Loss?
The echoes of my own voice paralyze me, left unanswered like so many of my silent yet loud prayers.
I dream of a dream where I stare down death everyday yet never befriend it.
I am a man who is running against time, hoping and wishing for the impossible. Am I sane?
I knocked on redemptions door as the heavens renounced my own mere existence.
Pain dug itself a grave and held a funeral for itself after it met “my pain”
It was a day to remember as I saw on death’s face a feeling of remorse.
Death felt pity for me; he did regret his selfless decisions of taking those I love.
Yet again I dare to use this word that I know nothing of! “LOVE”
I yearn to see a friendly face in the empty crowd; I wish to see the invisible.
I try to mirror my own horrid voice and compulsive acts
My own tears are no longer a defense against my own defense
Life slips through my fingers swiftly though as if it was water passing through
I look down on this grave and I see, I witness what life robbed me of!
All these people talk about is a land of milk and honey; does it exist?
If it does, could I departure any sooner?
I try to see the rainbow beyond this darkness… I try to witness hope.
Loss has me tied down; in its deathly grip I wriggle under death itself.
Loss has given me deathly blows that the devil never gave me.
Loss is a fiend , a master of pain beyond pain
Loss I beseech thee, keep away from my circle
Loss, in this deathly platform, I forgo myself for the “others”
Loss in this dais I am a loss to you.

I used to be afraid that one day you will leave me.
I had nightmares of you walking out of that door, leaving me to start all over again.
I used to think without you there is no tomorrow , there is no life, no time nor space

One day you walked away, shut the door on my face, just like that.
For hours it felt like I could not breath , time stopped. I stopped.
Thoughts that went through my mind were to dark, even for me.
I was reminiscing nightmares I used to have before you.

Well today I woke up and hit me, I am alive. I am alive.
You are not here and I am still breathing.....
I don't know why I was afraid of the sound of that door shutting me out.
I have heard it so many times, like a  chorus to a song I love,,, I sing along to it.

Walk and make sure you never come back. I will roll out a **** red carpet just for you. I will open the door shut, so ajar that time will get tired of passing through.
I don't beg anymore, I don't care anymore.. I am alive... more alive than ever before and you know why.. because you are not here......

So as you walk down the street I will ignore you, because you don't exist.. and I am not about to relapse..
You were never my life support, I was your life support,,, your oxygen , your beating heart...

I am tired of this rollercoaster ride
Exhausted of watching from the side
Dear emotions, can I please plead my case
Can I rebuild my base?
I crawl on this ice cold floor…….. Blood oozes out of my wrist
Numb is the feeling I have as I lay on my back
I look to the heavens for sole placate... Try to reminisce
Resurface old memories that lay deep, digging out all the pain
Dear emotions, can’t you just lend me a dying wish?
Why I do I perish?? Please serve me as the devil’s dish
Can’t I just walk into hell and just dump this heavy burden
Dear emotions, I think you and I my friend are beyond repair
I allowed you to sell me dreams that slowly built inside of me
Dreams that are catastrophic... no wonder I am claustrophobic
If peace and love exists in my dreams only then I beg
Down on black and bruised knees… don’t wake me up
I lie on back confused, abused and intrigued
When will this end? This pain…
I have never seen love or met it
How will I know when I finally do?
So busy with hate and revenge! I think I am in too deep
So deep that I breathe and live on hate and revenge
What am I? A monster? Think I need saving grace
Since I cannot keep up with this pace
So dear poetry lend me an audience
Dear emotions, lend me a dying wish

Today I will give up my forever ,,,,
I would give up my happy ending so that  for today you will have your happy ever after ..

I will jump in front of a bullet for you....
I will carry your cross for you,,,
I will bear your burdens because I care...

I hate missing you while you are still here,,
I hate not being able to touch you while you are in front of me...
I want you to be happy,, happy forever,,, never stop smiling,,
Because I care,, i will stop smiling so you can smile..

I will stop being happy so you can be happy, because I  care...

I shove you across the room, my legs fail me... my "*******" inner me fails me.
I crash to the ground, the last of me, this is it. The tipping point...
I cant do this any more, I can be what you want me to be. I kept chipping bits and pieces of my soul so that I could be good enough for you.
I did it so that you would not be ashamed of me, afraid to hold me like you did her.


I am a woman trapped in a little girls body, I still believe in unicorns dipped in magic and all I see is rainbows , I believe that someday you will love me.
When they say love is blind they were wrong, at least the blind develop a sixth sense, they know when its not real...
Well I lost all my sense, for you i pushed boundaries , for  you I defied all the laws, I defied me for you, because what?? I LOVE YOU???


Love failed me, they sold  me dreams of happy endings and what not.
Love is not fun is hell, it doesn't make me content it makes me miserable and vengeful...
Loving you failed me... I failed myself by accepting the love that I thought I deserved...............
Love don't Love me no more..

I constantly talk to myself. Calming myself down because I am at that point: the breaking point.
I gradually shift between reality and fantasy as though I was a trauma patient dipping in and out of consciousness.
I drug myself yet my body retaliates back like a bush fire, I am so lost. So alone.
I can’t even breathe: I can’t think. I can’t sleep. I can’t live.
I wonder....... how did I get here? I used to have everything under control. I used to be sane.
I now feel like I am a failure, caught at this crossroad where loosing is my only option.
I look back and see people cheering me on, I look to my side and I see my own ghost.
With my mouth agape, I gaze at the pale figure, distraught and condemned.
I see disappointment. I am engaged to failure and married to death.
I no longer see the thin line between hate and fate.
Looking back I think I want to play god, I want to be god.
God in this moment, in this era that I am facing. I am like the scorched earth.
I cry out for a single drop, a single drop of faith, hope and redemption.
Dear god if you ever existed, this is me calling out: this is me giving me up.
If not then let me call the angel of death, let me die from this dark cloud.
Let me die from this wonder. Let me die before I get to meet my ghost.
Let me die before disappointment says his vows; let me die before I die.
I am tired of dreaming a dream that is an illusion. Even dishonesty couldn’t sell the lie to me.

Everyone has a life to live and people to impress, no one has time to listen.
Never be fooled by those who tell you they are here for you because those are all lies.

They strip you down only to display your wrongs to mankind and mock you. They they tell you to embrace your inner man and drop the act. When you do friends turn to strangers and no one cares anymore because nobody wants baggage.I guess everyone has a son story.

In the end you lie in bed with the devil and hope that his touch can offer what they could never give you. They could never give you freedom but the devil will grant it to you today.

Why am I of this generation?
The universe denied me joy
I now hate the world…..
It’s painful enough that I have to drown in this blissful agony
To what extent do I draw the line between hate and love?
Is it possible that I can be free as a dove?
I yearn for freedom like a slave
Because all I do is for life’s sake
No one knows me, the real
Nobody knows my smile, my joy…
The true me that illuminates when the fake pretence is stripped off
I carry hate around as though I depended on it to live
I bear great regrets that have got me whishing
Whishing I had life’s reset button
But then again it’s a wish
Since forever I will perish
I wish I had someone who could listen
And not for once glisten with judgment
I guess my own heart bleeds through paper
As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
I thought I had it all
But I now realize…. Any minute now…. I might just fall
Can I have a friend who will hold my hand?
I guess the utter silence means pen and paper are forever with me
But dear paper, dear handsome pen…. may ask…
What is it to be human???

God never told me that monsters are born in heaven until I saw a guardian angel by my side. That's when I realized monsters needed to be guarded . I think for too long I have been forgetting that the day of my conception was the  exact moment when god signed my death sentence .