I make writings on the wall as I try to convey my true feelings.
I can no longer feel my heart beat.. I am just there.. living for nothing.
I loved love and it did not love me back.
I carved out its name onto my chest,,,, swept it off its feet but no....

I carried the burden that came with "love" because i though the end would be bliss..
Not pure agony and stuff.. I thought love was supposed to be beautiful
I thought love was supposed to make me have this feeling in my stomach that made me feel like i could be invisible

I woke up today and I realized i have been living in a bubble.
I realized love dont love me  no more.. it never did.
I lied and told myself it was LOVE  because that was the only way
the only way i could deal with the pain, disappointment and my excuse for a life.


So... why love love when love dont love me?

I have always been okay with the sound of a door being slammed.One more problem to shut out, but I am okay if I am the one who gets to do the shutting out. I never have a problem with rejection as long as I am the one doing the rejecting because it means someone cares just enough to need to me.

I have never had a problem of accepting love in the form of blue and black, at least I got to receive something. I have never had a problem with looking at a mirror, as long as it was in the dark, because that way I am able to see the ugly  in me .

I have never had a problem with society because judgement will always be there. Whether I am rich or poor... ****** or not... alcoholic or not .. church going or not.I have never had a problem of chasing love in toxic luxuries because I realized that I am more toxic.

We chase dreams because we have to make something of life.
We live each day repeatedly,,, every Monday... and the next,, and the one after that.. We have to survive it, plan for it.... make it happen.. so we dream,, we hope and keep believing in our own twisted way.

Demons don't exist , we create them. We nurture them and let them grow.
We wake up with the hope of achieving something before we come back to the same bed, or a different one because at that moment we temporarily fill a void somewhere and for a brief moment we are wanted,,,, needed by someone, anyone.


Time passes, time heals , time does everything but never waits nor reserve....
Time wont heal hate that mankind breeds nor offer relief to those in need, time doesn't heal wounds that run deep it merely covers them up with illusions called scars, when you have this they call you a survivor.. apparently you have some sob story to tell.

I dip in and out of consciousness as if death was trying to resuscitate me, little does he know, he does not understand that I Do not want the kiss of life.

I am confused lost between 2 worlds hence they call me divergent because I don't belong to any sides.
I hang on tight to the barbed wires that lay between the two sides, as they rip off my skin I feel at ease , at peace because pain is my friend who has always been there.

Sweet sour sounds of whips and ships that bind remind me of my former calling . I have been to places where blue and black was the color of love. I see  these confused souls claiming to be saved yet they throw stones at my door.

I have been to many places and have met faces , faces that sold me lies and made ties that let me loose : hang out to dry in the wild  and even the devil was never that harsh.
I now lay in this caged prison while these so called saints wine and dine in their houses. They make loud shouts as they cry out to their god. They claim to preach the gospel , but yet they never reach their destination because this devil is busy receiving souls like dry soil in the Sahara ******* up raindrops.

I have been to hell and back and I know what the devil would pay for a lost soul. These saints shut their doors on a Sunday and claim to be free and getting the free ride upstairs yet we all collide in the same hellhole.
We have all been drinking like there is a message in a bottle and we pop pills so we could sleep better at night and have a clear conscience.

Wolves clothed in sheep rags are at the alter promising everlastingly freedom while we cry ourselves to sleep after every sermon. We give them our gold in exchange for a ride to heaven and this invisible freedom yet it's not freedom. It's infinite captivity, we move on loops and hoops of sermons and churches .

These saints can't give me light in this dark slippery path that I am on because they themselves are in the dark. They can't free me because we are in the same cage , they just haven't noticed it yet.

I look back and I witness the mess I created. No wonder words cannot justify the remorse that I carry on my shoulders; the pain that radiates from my “I like you too”.
Going down memory lane I remember the 1460 days in which I built high walls made of concrete, as I sat there and shot down every love story that the world had. I yearn for your touch yet at the same time the fear that comes with such a feeling overwhelms me.

I believe I am broken, shattered into a million pieces that cannot be made whole. Your efforts pain me because you are the ideal idea I dream of. I somewhat hope you could read my mind, I somehow hope that I could end up in your arms, where I could feel safe.

I do admit it; love was wrongly accused by my empty soul until your tenacity filled me with hope.  I hate the fact that I am this giant that may never become a miniature. I hate the fact that I hate me. I hate the fact that you could love a heartless monster like me. ****! I said the forbidden word, LOVE! Even my own subconscious glares at me with utter disappointment.

I hate the fact that I care, the fact that it hurts. But then again burying my emotions is what I am good at. I believe I am a master of my own destruction, I do not believe in flowers, romantic dinners and surprises but one thing I know is that I believe you, I believe in you. In my vague idea of “us” we do ride into the sunset. We get that happily ever after. The thought of you being my knight in shining amour petrifies me to the core. I am afraid that I will care too much, that I will love too much. Yes, I do believe in love because you gave me that.

You gave me the spirit to believe in something I hated to the ends of the earth. As I drown in a pool of my own condemnation, I keep looking up, I keep swimming, and I keep letting my soul sail because I hope that you may save me. Finally it then hits me; I sentence you and love 25 to life. If you keep your promise to never leave, I will keep my promise of giving you this warm heart of mine that is caged in concrete walls. If you promise to be there when it matters, when I succeed , when I fail, when I cry or worse when I shut down and try to push you away. If you promise to hold me till I feel like the walls are not closing in, I promise to unlock all these doors I have shut. I hope that you will hold my hand till I finalize my divorce with death. I hope that you can piece me together.

But then these are just thoughts I never voice, these are voices in my own head. Every love story has a happy ending and in this one, you are my happy ending because you set me free from my own prison and complete the person I was meant to be.

Water spikes from up above turn into minute bullets that punch my pale skin. Sleep still lingers around as the toxins in my blood refuse to die, they want an honorable death like a spartan soldier.

I replay scenes of a bad childhood and reminisce of a ****** roller coaster  ride of punches  and hunches of deathly anticipated blows that  numb my soul. I take a handful of pills then I disappear into the wild ... into fantasies that lie beyond horizons that I will never reach..

All I ever wanted from life is to love and to be loved back  but hey... humanity is never granted everything.. its like you can have it all yet be nothing... Emptiness is not expensive nor nights were you cry yourself to sleep because even though you are in a crowd you have never felt so empty..

So as the sun sets you hug your cold bottle of sedatives or happiness if I may call it because that is  the only comfort you will ever get. You take one sip or yet a few more of the clear  liquid so that for once you can feel pure, you can feel alive and maybe worth  it...... You can live to face another day, perhaps another tomorrow.

So as life rejects me, as happiness runs from me I take another glimpse at the sky... the clear skies were mortals see stars which I never notice. I take another look at the broken mirror then I realize that the mirror is not broken I am.

If you are going to walk out you should do it now.
Don't look back or say anything. Just go. You lingering here just makes it harder for me.

Don't tell me you love me because you don't, if it was love it shouldn't have been this painful.

I let you in my life for a dance and you stepped on my toes like it was the end
Threw pieces at me that hurt like gravel sand
Guess I now have an excuse to say why I feel like this
I let down my guard for you and you destroyed me
Gave you my time, my money and my efforts
Showed you a whole new world of meaning
I gave you the keys to my dark soul
I sit here while I suffocate in this darkness
Surrounded by it, its depth, its contrast is overwhelming
Truth be told, I am tired of being used
Satan threw me into the dustbin, did not even turn back
After I shed so much blood for him
God then lent me two minute redemption
Split seconds gasp of pure air, a ray of light
He then took it away together with his disciples
I am tired of being alone inside, alone in a crowd
Trying so hard to fit in, why do people use me?
Even a ****** is better since people use it for their own definition of what love is
But what am i?
**** love, friendship and relationships because I am tired of trying
My heart is big but it beats quiet
Dear chance…. I am tired of the world
So please lend me a dying wish
A dying wish to leave this earth
In God and Satan I found no answer
I feel alone in a roomful of people
I look at the sky and see how far heaven is from me
How far redemption is from me!

The world used me! Dear chance…….
Please I beg you! Lend me a dying wish

Life never cares. it takes what it wants when it want.
Death is a wrongly accused victim.

Today is the fifth day that I waited at the gate for my dad, oh wait,, its not five,, I lost count..I  am no time traveller but I feel like I am little girl trapped in a woman's body.  

My dad left, he didnt die, there is no other side of the story. There is only one, he abandoned me. Man I thought it was the end of the world till "he" swept me off my feet, come on now, I do knw better. I dont do fairy tales but for "him" I would.

For "him" I would believe in anything in a heart beat.When I am in "his" arms I feel the love I never had, funny enough I feel content ... I hang onto him a bit longer, hug "him" a bit harder, I am sure "he" is close to choking but what the hell... I've got to make sure "he" is real,,

Thoughts rush through my cerelebral hemisphere, oh! thats a term I learned at Bio 101, when they taught me about how I was my made... "he" said if it was deeper that the last time, then the rush will be 10 times than the last time.


"he" said when it gushes out like that, I am only a drop away of seeing my dad rush back. Now I know,  I have a father... I have a dad.. he never left,,, he is coming, "he" promised....

I dont wake up with intentions to ruin ur day or break the promises that i made. I wake up with intentions to be that bit of happiness in a bad day that you are having. I can go only that far, because thats how far you let me into your world, thats how far "this" goes.

These big wallls that sorround you are made of concrete that i cant break down, barriers that make me look like the bad person. I only push you to your limits because I want to see you explode, see you break down so that atleast you would let me in to help you pick up the pieces.

I am not a fragment of your past that keeps on appearing into your new future, stop treating me like i wont understand because whats the point of me playing all my cards while you have stacks hidden up your sleeve? Its a long shot but for "this' to work, you have to take it.

I lay awake at night because I am afraid that I will become a failure
I fear that I will be worthless , unwanted and never thought of.
I open my eyes to look into the open space,, thoughts crash through my mind......


What if my life is a waste, what if society never accepts me for who I am because the hang onto ideals that are null in today's world.
What if my family is not proud of me or if I never live up to the "figure" of me they have painted in their minds.

Everyone wants to belong somewhere, belong to someone and be loved
I am for asking for billions, I am not asking for a diamond ring , What I ask is that these fears never come to pass,, May the disappear into thin air,
may the fade away ,, fade away like memories of me  in the hearts of those that I love silently......

I have found comfort in random places
I found love in the sharpest places
I am a man and I can lie

A girl trapped in a glass house
I wear a mask to hide all the pain
I do not fantasize about boys and six packs
I lust for death and its warm embrace
I guess it could offer me peace ..
It could offer me closure like these scars on my arms

I hate it when these "strangers" shed tears for me
I hate it when these people pity me
They say its because they love me
But I dont feel it....

There is no love, who could love ...
Darkness gave birth to me,,, she then left me to rot in hell
I now walk among these "happy" souls who believe lies to get thru the day
And sometimes I need to bleed so that I can check if I am truly human
Because in this glass house, time and space are no more....

Some things you cannot compete with . You just a have to miserably tear yourself down and hope that the next person likes the "perfection" that you have built for them . I guess there is fun in waiting for your own funeral because death has never looked so beautiful.

I don’t think you now I exist but in my world you are my Greek god.
I wish my body was a canvas that you slowly paint

Your fingers would be the brush that moves to the rhythm of our souls as we create perfection, perhaps become it.
I get lost in your eyes, hoping that I could gaze into them all day because they have me hypnotized
In my time of need I would lean on your broad shoulders where I find comfort and warmth.
I would like you to linger around like Fabric softer clasping onto laundry
I want to taste you again and again even though I know that it would be wrong. I know that you will be addiction because boy you have me hooked.

I want to kiss you, every inch of you as if my life depended on it.
I daydream about you collapsing so that I could give you mouth resuscitation for all eternity
I will hold you in my heart till I can hold you in my arms.

I am man with no hope for I don't believe in stupid fairy tales
Pardon my lack of emotion but I have seen it all.
I used to wait for my dead at  the gate, hoping that someday he might just pop outta nowhere...


I waited and waited.. till It hit me.. Life is only what you perceive it to be.
There is no rainbow in the sky, nor a **** *** of gold at the end ..
there is no light at the end of the tunnel.. only worse.

But then let me tell you of a father who taught me truth...
let me tell you of a father who gave me real toys not these stupid plastic models that i use to desire. He pulled me into the darkness and that is where I found my light,,, I tattooed his name across my skin and I felt uttermost love like the one i see in chick flicks.

I talk to my father every night.. he keeps on asking me when am I coming home, because paradise is only a heartbeat away.... I then tel him,,,, any minute now father,, any minute..

I drown in toxic pool so that i can reach a piece of my soul.
I gulp down another glass of clear liquid. I shut my eyes and make a stupid wish.
For a moment I pray that the earth stops in the mist of my pain and confusion.The truth serum invades my blood stream and is only then that I face my own fears. That is when I open the door for the devil.
A devil that I fear to face so in this very moment please tear me apart.
Tear me apart and do  it again tomorrow. and the next day and the day after till death is at my beck and call wishing to give me a kiss of life.

I keep checking on my phone from time to time.
I think I am hallucinating, seeing that red beep to indicate that someone pretends to care about me.
I hit the refresh button on my browser,, May be Facebook has something for me,, Or all these other billion apps.

But No,, the world don't care about me. I take a moment to exhale before I jump into my safety net.... reality.. I think we all want to belong somewhere..
I want someone to notice when I am gone... I want someone to care when I fake a smile.. or throw a dramatic tantrum.. That someone used to be you.

The truth is life is busy being life ... and you are busy holding someone in your arms,, where I belong. You are busy wiping someone's tears away that I drown in my own pool of tears.. You forgot me... just like that.. its like I never existed ....... Do I even exist?

I dont want to be the reason why you cry urslf to slip everynyt, waking up the next morning with a fake smile. I will admit to my mistakes and imperfections because they are flaws that resurface only because i try too hard to make u smile or make U remember enough not to forget me.

I guess i got hooked on the happy ending part and i forgot about the happy beginning.I want everyday to end with a smile , not a fake smile. i want everyday to end with an I LOVE YOU  not as a "formality" but an authentic feeling that you genuinely have.

I will never be perfect but let me be perfect for you, teach me how to make you happy, how to make the day end with a smile, because seeing you happy is what completes a day for me...

We stab each other with vicious words that we silently take back...
I shove you across the floor and tell you that I hate you even though the only thing I want to say is that I love you ..

I tell the whole word that you are a joke and a **** looser.. but inside you are my knight in shining amour. The one that I would run to when I am in need. Truth is I am tired   of this silent war of pretense .. I love you and I need you.....

AM I REAL?
The silence to me is very loud.
My shift from fantasy to reality is a dream as the echoes of my own pain paralyze me.
I dream of a dream that ceases to exist since it’s alive in my own world that is parallel to reality.
I block out deathly memories of a sick twisted childhood. I think the lies in my head are catching up with me.
I constantly tell myself lies, secrets and fantasies the Pandora box denied. Am I for real?
I yearn for the unknown. This black hole has me hopelessly mesmerized. Lost beyond return.
I can no longer hear my own voice. Dead I remain. Still. At hell in my own peace.
I surrender to this fear that gave birth to me. I am slave to a slave. Prisoner to a prisoner.
As I say ash to ash, dust to dust, what do I tell the world about me?
Death to death, fear to fear, hate to hate and darkness to darkness.
As hate gave birth to me she abandoned me for happiness. Her kind of “happiness”
“They” say I am a ray of light to their darkness.  Somewhat a glimpse of hope. A mirror to their dreams.
“They” say I inspire the expired. Give redemption to the lapse of those who have given up.
Are “they” for real? If and when they strip me of this pretence they will know.
They will reveal deep dark secrets that hell could not hold.
I used to vacation in hell until one day the devil kicked me out.
He told me I was to “damaged” for his liking. Too corrupt for him to handle
Too evil to be evil.

Today I looked in the mirror and for a moment I felt pretty.
I laughed and sang along to a song that I did not know the words to.
Today "happy" knocked on my door and I let him in...
Today depression took a day off.

Its funny how you put yourself as a priority in my mere life..
Its outright hilarious how your tricks don't work on me no more.
Life is too short, I don't to retakes or reruns..
I am tired of building myself up only for you destroy me.

I don't have time for your issues for I have my own
I don't have time for you tears because I have mine, remember?
I don't have time for you because I am doing me now and it feels awesome

You are like a speckle of dust.... lost in space and time because in my world you don't exist... you never did...

I stare into open space wishing I could be free as the wind. I am a prisoner in my own mind. I keep tearing myself down so that I could build a better me that will be good enough .. Even if I could be good enough for a day, atleast then I could be loved for a day.

I keep missing my appointments with happiness because I am searching for answers at the bottom of a bottle and oxygen at the end of a bud. I keep yearning for a pat on the back. A job well done kind of stuff. I want life to tell me that he is proud of me  but all he does it stare at me with utter disappointment. I one day wish to drown in my own red pool because sunsets have never been ****** red nor have rainbows.

Tell me not of no joy
For you have never faced death
Nor have you seen pitch black days
Where a black man re -wrote history books
And became the monster of all
But then again I have seen a black man change the world
I have seen the human race believe in a split second.
In a dark room I lay, tired, exhausted and fed up with life’s empty promises!
There is no sunshine at the end of the stupid rainbow
No knight in shining amour
Only the devil with blows that are beyond me
Trials that become my life, like words engraved they now define me.
If heaven does have a highway, I would love a ride
I am weary of sitting on the side
Long gone have I forsaken my pride?
I cry out, yet my snivel remains silent to the world.
What I am to do?
Even loneliness dumped me on a rainy day
I build a wall so high that it will reach space
Because then, may be, just may be… the universe might listen to my case
I now believe I am not of this generation
Never will I be driven by desperation
I gaze to the heavens for consolation
But all I receive is **** condemnation
Defeat is a feeling I have, it lies below
Beneath the plains of my pain
Surges through me like a speeding train
Takes me high and low that I feel so drained
Like a prisoner I feel suffocated, tied, clamped and so much in a chain
What the hell I am I to gain
I guess I now know the feelings of Cain
I now can say the universe is not fair
Need I not no fate nor luck
Reality just gave me a blow
Lost I remain, like a speckle of dust I mean nothing to the world
But my question to anyone out there……
What is it to be human…….

As my dark soul moves to the rhythm of my pen
My dark soul dances to a silent tune as my heart bleeds through a piece of paper
I view a reflection, an illusion that I thought will never exist
It was though as if it was a fragment of my imagination
I hear the echo of my own pain slowly being masked by a bit of happiness
Slowly my pain fades away into the background to be forgotten
Bluntly dumped full of mold like its rotten
I took a chance ….. I went ahead with fate’s plan…. I took a leap of faith
I think it’s now safe to say I now know what is pain…I now understand Cain
I have gone through life’s phases that rendered me condemnation
I looked to the heavens and they denied me placate
But now, this reflection illuminates the dream I once had... That victory that I envisioned
Pain is a dead end street with deathly blows that will send anyone to the grave
I have been a slave of my own imperfections, blurred vision I had because of the constant pain
Could not see what laid before my eyes because I was busy digging my own grave
Life had me begging for a dying wish because I never took notice of the reflection before me
Lesson learned is that everyone makes their own happiness
Life does not have a manual to go by or some set of rules..
Finally I am the ******* the other side…happy and lively

I wonder if any of it was ever real. I was so busy tearing myself down so that I could be perfect for you. They say love will change you and I thought it would be the good type of change.

Not the type that has me crying myself to sleep every night.Not the type that has me chasing hesitant a  tomorrow and false confidence at the bottom of a bottle. I keep thinking I just need time to heal... but time is a mean ******* who just turns scars into open wounds that would never heal.Time watched me burn to the ground and smiled. He watched as my heart was torn to pieces .....

There is no life in life . There are no  butterflies and rainbows at the end.... So I will retreat back to the darkness that gave birth to me, back to the mother who "loved" me in her own way. I will cling onto it as if it was the last breath I would take. I will go back to my ruins and stop mourning dreams that were never mine to begin with... This time my own  darkness will shine bright...

I watch you sleep everytime..... for hours on end I just stare at you. I replay scenes in my mind of "us"..

I get carried away with you being mine to the point were I loose touch with reality.. you are on the other side and I from another.....

We are the typical Romeo and Juliet ending.. atleast that's what I used to think,,, till I jumped in front of bullet for you and you called me insane,, I call it love, toxic love..
I need a piece of you in you life.. People get their "Fix" from caffeine and whatever, my "fix" is you..

So tonight let me watch you sleep and lets forget about the woman next to you , the woman who is the mother of you three kids,, the woman who I will never be,,, because this is what I term as intoxicating lust..

I
Cant
Breath
Anymore.
I am out  of options.
The
road
has
come to
an end.
No where to run.

I embarked on a journey, a road trip to search for the unknown among the invisible
The loud clatter, the cold silence, keeps me still and restless.
I hold my head up high, and then suddenly I receive deathly blows that sent me to my cold grave. I look up and I witness that “mercy” is the one beating me to a pulp.
At this point my knees are bruised, black and blue from praying silent yet loud unanswered prayers.
Life passes me by as if I did not exist, time refused to stand still as the wrath of the meek invaded me.
For a split second I thought I found redemption, hope and sheer peace. I was wrong. i am wrong.
What did I ever do to this evil world? I do everything by the book, everything!
But then I guess sometimes everything is not enough. I am not enough.
I drown in my own pool of blood, I think now life is trying to give me closure.
I think I am beginning to see the clearer picture: if all there was ever one.
Life is not fully of rainbows and stories about riding into the sun set.
Its not about the knight and shining armor who rescues the damsel in distress. Life is life.
When you are young “they” painted a beautiful picture. The best there ever was.
As I grew the paint started to peel, the canvas disintegrated before my own eyes.
Even the greatest painter like Picasso could not rescue or paint “my picture”
Harsh conditions of this dear world rendered me my worst nightmares.
Now as I paint my own picture, I have nothing but this dark background.
I try to reminisce all there ever was but memory led me to my dark grave.
These dark graves were I was born; even the slaves did not want me!
Life has created desolation and called it uttermost peace and happiness.
Death. Death. Death is my only friend, my only choice.
At I time like this, I forget that I was never given a choice; life made the choice for me.

I somewhat used to enjoy my own company , the emptiness of the cold room reminded me of what "is", it kept me in check i suppose. I had dinner with death as we drowned our sorrows together, me ******* about what perfect way to end it all while death listened in disgusted awe, because I was  flirting with something he couldnt have:LIFE. At that point he wanted to be  me and I, him...

He whispered sweet nothings into my ear as he convinced me otherwise... He said the time was not yet right. Truth is I   love him ,  so I listened. He then showed me a different way, truth is he gave me a friend no one could be..... the cold blade against my skin felt like silk,, it moved swiftly ..... it cut deeply.. like the pain that I had,,, death said its better to wear it on the outside..... he said it will be a magical picture to witness on our wedding night, when i submit to him.....When i finally become him and he , me.

I don't care what you did in your past, what  I  care about is now; the present, this moment were its just you and me.

I am not saying I am not hurt by the fact that you may be in pain, what I am saying is that loving you is my goal. All these other mistakes that are in the way are just trials that I will pass, i have been spending time with love and feel like I should give you a piece.

God knows you need it more than I do, I  need you to smile so that i can smile. I need to you to love so that I too can love. I wont pause such a moment that reminds me of the painful reality, what i would freeze is the moments were you smile, even if its just a fraction of a second in my own dreams.

I am not asking for the world, i am not asking for money, i am  not asking that you have to look like a Brad Pitt or be the Beyonce of the world: what i am asking is for, what i am asking is to love you, plain and simple as you will allow it, even just for today before god turns off the lights.

I keep hoping that this god will answer my prayers..
I wonder....
and

   wonder.....

Why does he keep me alive when  all I have is pain? I watched my mother walk out on me at the age of One.... I needed my father and he was only a figure in some stupid fairy tale book.. I need you to hold me in your arms,,
for once I want to admit that I am not okay. for once I want take off this mask....

for once I want to admit that I enjoy this pain, for once I want this sharp blade to love me even harder,,, deeper and in more ways that my other could not..... stay here with me and be a father that I desperately needed.....

I dont see stars in the sky,,, all I see is darkness , pain and suffering,,,, There was never a happy ending,, only a fragment of your imagination because you could not take the pain and for once know the meaning of pleasure..