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Feb 2019 · 378
Silence
Mikayla Feb 2019
Out of all the things that I could say,
Could think of,
I stayed silent.
I let the pause between our words get bigger
While the gap in our partnership grew larger.

Silence was once my best friend.
Now;
It’s my worst enemy
You told me to change.
I tried.
For you.
I succeeded.
But I still failed;
It’s always a failing battle...

You tell me to change, but you...
you are perfect.
I am the one damaged.
I am the one hurt.
But I should forget and say okay...
But it’s not okay.

Falling back down a black hole,
I dug my way of is not...
just okay...
Dec 2018 · 193
Confusion
Mikayla Dec 2018
I hear you breathing in.
The days are fading in.
My eyes are wide open.
Days speed past me.
If you need me, run to me.

The nights are fusing together.
The mornings aren't there.

My eyes are wide open.

All around me are memories
Dec 2018 · 87
I’ll be okay too
Mikayla Dec 2018
The rain is pelting our skin
I stand outside crying;
Asking you what I did.
The rain touches your skin and makes me aware that my hands haven’t been close to you in weeks, maybe months.
I wished that we'd have a perfect life
I wished that you'd never leave me
I told you there’s nothing to forgive
You fell out of love.
It's hard for me to say, it's okay.
I know you're happy without me.
I'm jealous of the girls that you take to bed.
I'm wondering who's next to you.
I'm jealous of the love that was for me;
now belongs to someone new.
I wished for you.
I wished that you’d come back.
I told you, that I'd be here.
But I always thought you'd be right back.
But the only thing that was true,
You weren’t coming back.
I was just a lonely girl that clouded your “happy bubble”
I wish you the best.
I wish...
I was the best.
There's nothing to forgive.
I stand outside crying.
As I watched you walk away for the last time, I realize that happy without me,
So I guess I’ll be happy without you too.
Mikayla Mar 2017
Please forgive me.
We both know, I'm the one that breaks.
While we both have demons,
Mine run deep.
I know you're trying to find yourself.
I'm sorry, that I'm not helping you.
But I see a garden growing in your mind.
Someday you'll wake up and realize that a boy like you is strong.
You are meant for many things.
But when the water of happiness pours over me.
I'm promised it will set me free.
But the water drowns me.
Emotion after emotions washes over me.
I'm told at age 8, "things will get better"
I'm told the same at 16.
Finally on my 18th, I'll tell myself maybe I'm not meant for this life.
I don't wish to be drowning in my emotions.
I don't wish for the life that has broken me 10x over.
I wish to be like you.
I wish to find myself, too.
But chains from my past old me down.
The hold me down and wrap around me, I'm surround by the sea.
I'm flooded and drowned with of a sea of emotions.
Is this what I've become?
A shell? A shell of who I used to be.
I'm watered down.
A watered down shell.
Dec 2015 · 1.1k
Monsters will be Monsters
Mikayla Dec 2015
Boys will be boys.
Excuse after excuse.
“Truth telling in their eyes”
We always blame the victim.
They shouldn’t have acted like that,
they shouldn’t have worn that.

No.
That’s *******.
Until it happens to you,
you won’t understand the pain.
The constant wondering what you did,
to deserve… ****.
BOYS WILL BE BOYS
You won’t lay in bed crying;
wishing for the feel of their hands,
to just go away.
So instead of feeling that.

NO.
BOYS… will. be. boys.
I remember to erase the feeling.
I destroyed my skin with razor blades,
cigarette burns, scratching myself.
I turned to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain i felt.
Boys will be boys?
What about that is normal?
Thinking that it’s okay to…
**** shaming...
Victimizing.

JUST STOP YOUR LYING
You won’t understand until,
you’re told by parents and police,
that it was your fault.
You shouldn’t have acted so friendly,
you shouldn’t have teased them.
I deserved it because I went swimming?
I deserved it because I was nice..?
Who in the hell are you to say.
Boys will be boys?

It’s “okay”?
It’s “alright”.
Stay away from me.
Boys will be boys?
Can I excuse myself from hitting you in the face?
I mean.
Girls will be girls, right?
We only want to protect ourselves.
If you can make the excuse…
That means so can I?

NO.
NO, boys will be boys and girls will be girls.
It’s all *******.
We all have our demons.
We all go through things.

**** will not ever be a joke.
Boys will be boys?
No.
Monsters will be monsters.
Oct 2015 · 815
Hello Now Goodbye
Mikayla Oct 2015
She yelled to the whole world hello.

She didn’t wish to be alone.

She didn’t wish to be rejected.

She didn’t wish to live this life.

She didn’t wish to be in this world.

She didn’t wish for her world;

to crumble apart.

She wished to be happy.

She wished for a perfect boyfriend...

She even wished for a perfect family.

But her family,

Banished her to her room...

She’s not coming back;

She’s done something so terrible.

She’s keeping an eye on the world.

She takes the pills she had hidden in her room;

She takes the razor blades and cuts her wrist.

And...

She whispers to the world goodbye.
Sep 2015 · 410
The Art of Lying
Mikayla Sep 2015
When they ask you if you’re okay;
tell them you’re perfectly fine.

When they ask you if you need to talk;
respond with no but thanks.

When they ask if you need help;
smile and shake your head no.

When they ask you if you’re silently drowning;
laugh and call them crazy.

When they ask if you want to die;
Smile and ask them do I look like;
someone that wants to die?

But when you go home;
silently sit down and stare at the wall.

Think about all the things;
people say about you;
and talk about behind your back.

When you’re alone;
sit and cry;
and wonder why you’re still alive.

But when someone ask you if you’re okay,
Smile, and tell them you’re perfectly fine.
Sep 2015 · 416
Missing You
Mikayla Sep 2015
I can’t stop missing you,
I miss the way;
you loved me to much.
I miss the way;
your voice sounded in the morning.
I miss the way;
you kissed me slowly.
I miss the way;
you kissed away my tears.
I can’t stop missing you.
I’m missing the love;
we made like crazy.
I wish,
I could I live without you.
I miss the way;
you sang your favorite.
I can’t stop missing you.
I miss the way,
you told me you loved me.
I kinda wish,
we never existed.
I wouldn’t have to cry.
I wish;
You were still my man.
Sep 2015 · 700
Beautifully Tragic
Mikayla Sep 2015
There was a time,
that I was alone;
all the time.
Now;
I’m not alone.
I can’t help;
but…
Believe,
that this is a beautiful…
Tragedy.
Run;
Run away;
Run away from reality.
You’re my home.
Oh,
I do love you so.
I can’t help but;
Believe..
That this is a beautiful;
Tragedy.
Sep 2015 · 634
Somebody
Mikayla Sep 2015
I bet you on that day in the rain,

That day in the rain where you thought;

I was "okay".

NO!

I was crying my eyes out;

But.. You couldn't tell..

Of course you couldn’t tell.

I hid away my face and hugged you;

I told you I loved you.

I told you I would be "okay";

And you believed me...

I’m not gonna be okay anymore.

I stuck around for you;

through heartache and hurt.

But;

When you left me standing there;

on the next rainy day;

complaining and telling me;

and that I needed to grow up.

I couldn’t believe...

I couldn't actually believe;

the boy I loved for a year;

was leaving me.
Sep 2015 · 596
You're Perfectly "Fine"
Mikayla Sep 2015
Please lead me out of the dark.
I’ve shed so many tears;
I can’t believe I’ve lasted this long.
You tell me;
I’m perfectly fine.
I need your help;
Please lead me out of the dark.
It’s been this way for eight years,
I can’t believe;
I’ve lasted this long…
Please lead me out of the dark.
The light is dimming now;
I’ll say goodbye today.
You say;
You’re perfectly fine.
But;
As I lay in bed and cry tonight;
I’ll fade into oblivion...
Please lead me out of the dark.
Aug 2015 · 1.7k
Brown Eyed Monster
Mikayla Aug 2015
As I light this cigarette in my mouth,

I inhale the smoke,

like it’s the thing that keeps me alive.

I've gotten worse;

Since you’ve left me standing in the rain.

My scars were reopened.

My lungs were seared with smoke again.

My pillows were blackened from,

the mascara that ran down my face.

he’s just a boy they say.

No,

you don’t ******* understand.

He was the air I breathed.

He was words that I conveyed into poems.

You’ll be okay;

No;

He was the brown eyed boy,

of my dreams.
Aug 2015 · 457
I'll Be The First
Mikayla Aug 2015
I’ll be the first to say,

that I’m okay.

You were my best love,

and worst heart break.

Why didn’t you tell me,

you weren’t okay?

This can’t be happening to me.

When you left me for her,

I was the last to know.

Why didn’t you tell me,

you no longer loved me?

I would have let you go.

I’ll be the first to say,

that I’m okay.

But now,
Aug 2015 · 285
What is Love? Part II
Mikayla Aug 2015
What is love?
What is love, they ask?
Love is a feeling of deep affection.
Love is that heart breaking feeling of longing.
Love is the happiness you wake up to.
Love is the feeling of being cared for.
I guess you can say love is…
Love is, what you wish it to be.
Love is everything you could take and lose all at once.
I know love is good for something,
but I haven’t found it yet.
Let’s not lie tonight,
and say we don’t love each other.
Let’s not lie tonight,
because I miss you so much.
I guess I can live without you.
But without you,
I can’t seem to breathe.
Love,
is the feeling of being happy,
being loved and cared for,
it’s the painful feeling you have when you don’t talk,
it’s that feeling that you have,
that when you argue with them,
and they leave it’s like,
your other half left.
Boy you seem to be it for me.
And we all fall eventually.
May 2015 · 215
Beautifully and Tragically
Mikayla May 2015
As you hear his howl within the wind.
You wouldn't believe how much pain is within him.
He lost his home and family.
He's all by himself in this sad cold world.
He wishes to be whisked away.
No one listens to his cries,
Afraid of the beast he had become.
Wouldn't you want to die?
When you're all alone and have no one?
May 2015 · 258
Losing you
Mikayla May 2015
I often think about you when I'm alone and afraid.
I remember everything about you.
How I could know when you looked at me.
I could remember how you said my name, how you held me during the night, and how you kissed me.
Even the way your calloused hands felt against my soft skin.
You found me within my darkest days.
You tried helping while I only pushed you away.
I pushed to far.
You walked away from me that day in the rain.
You walked straight into her arms.
You helped her and loved her.
She loved you like no other and let you help her.
I couldn't do that,
I see you with her and it pains me to see you with her.
But I let it go knowing I let you walk away.
I hate that I still love you,
I'm always going to love you.
As I lay in the grass,
I look up upon the sky,
And wonder aloud,
Does he remember me when he, is
Alone and afraid too?
May 2015 · 560
My Light is Fading
Mikayla May 2015
As you name lights up upon my phone,
A smile appears on my face.
You're everything that I've wished for,
You're my knight in shining armor.
And the light that guides me out of the darkness.
But now the light is fading.
Please just don't shut me out.
I need you to help me.
I need to get out of here.
The walls are starting to close in,
I don't know how much longer,
I'll be able to survive.
Just promise not to leave me.
For you're the light,
within the darkness.
May 2015 · 561
Lost
Mikayla May 2015
Why do I feel this way?
I see you hold hands with her,
and it’s like a bucket of ice water,
drowns me in sorrow.
I knew I shouldn’t let you go.
I’m sorry, I’m so weak.
So fragile.
I can’t take the heat,
that surrounds you.
Many lust for you.
Many want you.
You chose me.
Now I lost you.
I’m tired, of fighting.
I’ll wait for you.
I’m slowly falling for you.
May 2015 · 1.1k
My Weakness
Mikayla May 2015
The scars on my body,
are my stories.
My memories.
My weakness.
My strength.
Mine only for me to know and tell.
I have one visible to you,
the one you struck upon my heart.
Its deep and ragged.
It’s fresh and ******.
It finally scabs over.
I pick at it once again,
wanting you to see my heart.
Waiting for you to fix me.
But as you told me,
You can’t fix something,
that’s been broken,
far to many times.
May 2015 · 253
What is Love?
Mikayla May 2015
What is love?
It only brings me pain and anger.
I give them my love,
but they don’t care.
They take it and smash it.
Please baby don’t hurt me.
What is love?
May 2015 · 1.2k
Tame the Beast
Mikayla May 2015
Can you hear her voice?
It shakes her surroundings.
So much pain so much anger.
No one can tame the beast inside.
For she has been lost,
for far too long.
She has been beaten and battered.
It had gone on for far too long.
Can you see the slashes on her wrist?
The scars that dwindle among her body?
The scars that are there,
but are hidden?
Do not let her fool you,
for she has been lost for so long.
She will fight until she dies.
She will not be broken,
again.
She has lost so much inside.
The scars on her heart,
that only she alone can feel and see.
Her lover was lost out at war.
Her child taken from her bare arms,
and slaughtered.
She no longer waits for death.
She wishes for it,
every night.
No one can tame the beast inside.
May 2015 · 303
Stolen Innocence
Mikayla May 2015
You took away my innocence.
You took it like it was type of prize.
You ******* me over.
Literally.
It’s hard to pretend,
you never mattered.
Please don’t walk away,
I won’t be okay.
You ******* me over like some type of prize.
You’ve been avoiding me.
I can see it in your eyes.
You took my innocence,
Like it was some type of prize.
Now I take my life,
just to sleep.
I told you I wouldn’t
be alright.
You called my bluff..
My life flashes before my eyes.
It was all just a lie.
May 2015 · 421
I Don't Know You
Mikayla May 2015
Seeing you with her.
Knowing you moved on.
Why can’t you see how bad it’s hurting me.
You moved on,
I’m gone,
Goodbye.
This is life,
This is how it’s suppose to be.
I cry every night.
I try to forget.
I try to let go.
I wish you were here.
I wish..
You still loved me.
I know,
I know,
It’s a dream.
It won’t come true.
I don’t need you.
May 2015 · 1.5k
Emotional Turmoil
Mikayla May 2015
The way he looks at me,
the way he smiles at me.
I wonder what it feels like..
To what..?
Feel envious,
Hate,
Love..?
His green eyes, look at me.
His eyes make me feel bare.
My emotions are fleeting,
to some mythical place.

— The End —