i wish i could say i fell asleep to the sound of your heartbeat
and i wish i could say that your warmth calmed my storm
i wish i could say the scent from my candle would forever remind me of this moment
and i wish i could say i knew you like the back of my hand
i wish i could say i felt your lips against my forehead as i drifted to sleep
and i wish i could say the paint from my hands has moved onto yours
i wish i could say that my heartbeat memorized yours and they made a song together
and i wish i could say you were so close i could feel your breath kiss my hair
i wish i could say i heard you say 'i love you'
and i wish i could say i told you i loved you too
i wish i could say that our legs were entangled together like my thoughts about you
and i wish i could say that everything i have said was true
but, no, it's not because it only happened in my head
and not in reality like we both want it to

it feels like i'm running
can't breathe
demons are chasing me
help

i exorcized you from my thoughts
from my heart
you are no longer possessing me
i love him now
i let all the dead things go
turned some into newer and better things
deleted the words i wrote about you
rewrote some and dedicated them to him
i'm not sorry i replaced you
you've done it to me on many occasions
i hope you know you are now a ghost
lingering in my memory no more
all the words you said, forgotten
all those lies you told, learned from them
all those places you touched, i'm loving again
all the broken pieces of my heart, he healed them
forget you
you did nothing good for me
you made me afraid
and he taught me that no matter how ****** a person is
i am still worthy of love
he is the complete opposite of you
a man, not a boy like you
and i know you'll never find someone who will love you as i did
you broke me
my whole being
i love with all of me
and now i get to watch you drown beneath the waves
the end
you'll see what you lost
i can tell you miss me
why else would you ditch your girlfriend to walk with me?
i won't let you back in
i hope you realize you lost me for good this time
and i hope it hurts as much as it did for me
but it won't
because you're heartless
you won't feel a thing
and i really thought i could change you into something more
something better
a good person
but another thing i learned is people don't change
no matter how much you want them to
i don't care about you anymore
all i want now is for you to permanently leave my life
good riddance

i miss you so much
i can't breathe
it hurts
please be okay
i can't survive without you
my tears are falling
please come back to me

like wildflowers growing in the forest

take me to the ocean. i miss her. i haven't touched her waves in so long. i want to feel the cold water on my skin. i want to touch the whole world. i am a storm. i can relate to the rage. the moments of calm. the overwhelming pain. i can feel it. the agony. take me to the ocean. i miss her. take me. take me to the ones with coniferous trees on the beach. the grey mist. the empty beaches. the cold breeze. take me there. just take me away from here. and when i die. cremate me. and spread my ashes along the waves.

snow is falling
piano playing in the background
grey skies
dead leaves litter the ground
tree limbs creaking in the wind
soaked clothes
numb
no more feelings
heart frozen
head aching
body breaking
walk out to the big oak tree
heart buried in the snow
leave it
leave it there
don't care for it
hypothermic love
i gave up a long time ago

finally getting skinnier
numbers dropping on the scale
head's hurting, but that's alright
getting dizzy, but that's fine
one more
just lose one more pound
repeat
i'm fine

hugging my knees
memories playing in my head
one in each drop of water on my arm
my body was shaking
hot water enveloping me
tears were rushing out
lungs not working
blood rushing out
my hands shaking
staring at my wrists
holding the blade to my vein
pushing in
then dropping the knife
i'm sorry

i'm tired of fighting
i spent this whole day
this whole week
this whole month
this whole year fighting
and i don't want to do it anymore
please someone come save me
please hold me
and tell me i don't need to fight so hard anymore
please tell me that i'll be okay
please

i don't usually wear socks just while i'm at home
but if i do
treat me with care
because it means i'm really hurting
what i mean is
i don't self-harm in places you would guess
it would be too noticeable
people check your arms
your thighs
your stomach
but who would guess to check your ankles?
exactly
i don't usually wear socks
but when i do
it means i'm really hurting
it means i'm hiding something from you
and perhaps i'm hiding something right now
why else would i be writing a poem about this?