Lighting strikes at the base of my roots.
It climbs up my limbs
Charring my flesh It bites into me
Chewing my nerves
Stabbing needles into my veins
I cannot move.
I am intertwined with this place.
I am bound here.
Lightning does not strike once.
It strikes again.
Again.
And again.
And every time, It is excruciating.

I wait eagerly for you to return
Though I know your presence is temporary
I still swallow up every morsel of attention I can get
And though I have a fear of needles
I shoot each bit of love you can muster for me into my veins
I beg you silently to stay
With actions I'd never think would exist within me
Each time you go, it's unexpected
And each time, I tremble in your absence
I crave the high you set me on
The feeling of being adored
Of being worth something
Anything

your teeth were sharp
and mine were filed down
i let you gnaw away at me
although i would have let you go for the throat
tearing away from my flesh
my precious artery gushing like my broken heart
if only i had been delicious
maybe you'd still be lapping up my blood
nibbling on whatever's left of me
but apparently i wasnt satifactory
so you left behind my mangled remains
i was your *****
until i wasnt
i was your mutt
until i wasnt
until i was your meal
still stuck in your teeth

You are the morning light
Streaming through the gauzy curtains that dress my window
Striping my skin in ribbons of sunshine
I am the canvas of your dawn.
You are the cool flame that shoots across the sky
Every night that my thoughts settle upon your sweet face
Brilliantly throwing itself through the darkness of late evening
I am the one who wishes for you.
You are the craters in the moon
Imperfect and untouched
Leaving identical impactions on my heart
I search for your face in the glow of her own.
You are the fervent blazing of the sun
Radiating love that scorches the flesh
Shining down on me like beams of genuine joy
I am infinitely grateful for your eternal reverberation of tenderness.

I built myself a garden
I locked myself inside
All the flowers smelled like you
Until they released their pollen
And it clung to my lungs
Mucous lining my throat
Keeping me from breathing
When the blooms became overgrown
The vines creeped up my legs
Wrapping around my waist
And as the thorns hooked themselves beneath my skin
Poison flowing through them into my veins
Like an IV of pain and suffering
They pulled me around that god forsaken garden
Like a marionette of flesh, blood, and reluctant willingness
I remember the bees buzzing your name
Cheerfully at first
And then the droning became painful
Until my ears oozed
And my brain felt as if it would spill out from them
And when it did
It fell into a pile beside me
And it grew into tree
Releasing a new kind of oxygen
That clouded my judgement
I became addicted
I fell in love with being used
I fell in love with being blind
I fell in love with being broken down
I fell in love with the pain.
And when summer ended
And autumn began
The flowers shriveled
And suddenly I could breathe
And the bees returned to their hive to sleep
And suddenly I could hear my own cries for help
And the vines loosened
And the fruit the tree bore fell
And when I took a bite
It seemed to travel to my skull
And replaced the hole where my brain used to be
And
And suddenly I could think.
Suddenly I could understand
This wasn't love.
It isn't love.
So I ripped open my ribcage
And I tore into my heart
And pulled out a key
Covered in sinew and blood and fragments of the bones that grew a shell around it
And I unlocked that ****** gate
That had grown so small
I crawled through
And walked away
But after some time
The garden called to me
And when I returned,
Stupid stupid me,
I was reluctant
But the flowers smelled sweeter
And the bees were singing softly
And tree was in bloom
And the petals gently kissed the grass
And I let myself be consumed once again
But this time I had armed myself
And when the vines extended themselves towards my limbs
And the bees screamed angrily
And the flowers on the tree began to rot and die
I pulled out my weapon
I lit a match with the fire that was started within me
And I threw it into the center of the garden
And I burned that ******* to the ground.

A cool gust of wind
In a once inhabited shell
Candles blown out
From a pair of ghostly lips
That feel ghoulishly similar
To the ones that once touched my own
Left in the dark
Like I was years before
Time and time again
Overwhelming fear is breathed into my lungs
Shivers climb down my back
As if traced by the delicate fingers of an apparition
From a past that haunts me
A voice murmurs in my ear
Sweet nothings a cruel reminder
Of a love that froze me in my place
Slowly turning each corner
Stepping one in front of the other
Twisting hallways lead me to the darkest chamber in my heart
I look for myself in a pulsing mirror
But all I see
Is you

And there she was
A rough scab on a smooth perfect knee
With a chalky cigarette between bony fingers
Chipped red painted nails
Matching crimson accenting glossy white walls
She knew she was dreaming
Because of the ****** sun in the middle of the room
Chapped lips crack with scarlet, staining teeth
Surgical gloves reaching out from her beating heart
Held in by pale marked skin
Needles pricking gums, calling upon beads of ruby
Incisors and canines fall out one by one
Heavy tongue tastes gory wine
Indifference and apathy sistering one another
Stitches hold right-handed fingers in permanent crosses
Though an opal ring falls through
The shattering crystal lights the room ablaze
Intangible flames lick the ceiling as it rises and the floor sinks
An ever-expanding room flashing over and over in endless continuity
Like a repeating reel of film catching on fire
And then she was gone

if i could go back
and hold your little hands
and kiss your forehead
and watch over you
then nothing bad would have ever happened to you
if i could go back
and play games with you
and pick you up off ground
and scare them away
then you would never would have been afraid again
if i could go back
and kiss your bruises
and bare my teeth
and wind up my fist
then they never would have hurt you again

I hate when I make you cry
But *******, do your words hurt
I want to hold your tears in my arms and turn them into smiles
Shove them back into your estranged face
Maybe it will make a difference this time
You're not who you used to be
Am I still allowed to love you?
Can I still hold you with my words
Because my arms are not enough?
Hearts carved into my corneas weep with the thought of you
My fingers curl into twisted willows
Affection turns to concern
When your palms turn to fists
Will you forgive yourself?
Will you forgive me?
I don't want to go
I don't want to turn into a memory
I want to be a future
Maybe someday when you finally learn to love
To love the chasm of beauty of sadness that you are
I can drop more love letters into your darkness
Petals and whispers and poetry
Drift into your emptiness until they light aflame at the very bottom
If I could see it from your perspective
If I could feel the pain that wracks your body late at night
The pain that tastes suspiciously like tears
Maybe then we could truly understand each other
I wish my pretty words could heal you
I wish on every star I see
It's juvenile, but a part of me always hopes
I wish I could take all my love and crush it up into a little ball and shove it down your throat and never feel it again

Talking next to you for hours
Turning cigarettes into flowers
Listening to the cricket's song
Can't sleep, awake all night long
Thinking of your, your voice, your heart
Being away from you tore me apart
Dancing by the lake
Moon's reflections shattered
Darling, I will wait,
You are all that matters
Found a plastic bag,
filled it up with violets
Listen to the sound
Of forgetting the violence
Streetlights
And store lights
Wandering with you
Darling how
I wish I knew
What I mean to you

In a flash of silent thunder
You appeared like an angel
The rain wetting your hair
Sticking to your face
Your wings were made of light
Void of liquid
No feathers to be matted by precipitation
You cast upon me your gentle gaze of stone like jade
Your white gown was weighed down by nothing but water from the clouds
There was no sun to brighten the planet
You lit up the entire earth by simply being
My heart falters as I think back to that moment
You fell to the ground, wings dimming as the moon rose
I had fallen to my knees
In awe of the beauty of dying seraphim
Tears mingled with the sobbing of the sky
I didn't dare to come any closer
But I could hear your sweet words
Poetry sang in my ears
Love songs told stories of a life I would never know
Until that point
I had thought I understood what it meant to live
But I could never truly live
Nor could I understand

And there she was
A rough scab on a smooth perfect knee
With a chalky cigarette between bony fingers
Chipped red painted nails
Matching crimson accenting glossy white walls
She knew she was dreaming
Because of the ****** sun in the middle of the room
Chapped lips crack with scarlet, staining teeth
Surgical gloves reaching out from her beating heart
Held in by pale marked skin
Needles pricking gums, calling upon beads of ruby
Incisors and canines fall out one by one
Heavy tongue tastes gory wine
Indifference and apathy sistering one another
Stitches hold right-handed fingers in permanent crosses
Though an opal ring falls through
The shattering crystal lights the room ablaze
Intangible flames lick the ceiling as it rises and the floor sinks
An ever-expanding room flashing over and over in endless continuity
Like a repeating reel of film catching on fire
And then she was gone

The sky is a dull grey-azure
But you shimmer like tear-filled eyes
Gauze flowing around your ankles
Feet barely touching the dewy grass below you
Twirling as the storm ascends above
Your bones are cold
But you dance as if there's fire lit beneath you
Your lips don't move
But poetry seeps from your mouth
Pasting to your body
Flowing into the sky
Lightning strikes with every other step
The pouring words wrap around you
Until you are bound with your own rhythmical tourniquet

I can see it
Just as the day I arrived
November leaves decorating freshly dug soil
Fluttering down onto a tombstone
From bright and vivid
To crumbling and dead
Someday I’ll die
The thought is so strange to have in my skull
Wrapped around a case of pink fleshy synapses
Everyone dies
I see it around me
From behind tempered glass and blurry corneas
“I’m sorry”s from a chapped and dull mouth
To every lover of a lifeless corpse
Dressed in silk and lace
Skin so pale it glows with false rejuvenation
When I die
I want to be buried in rosewood
My coffin filled with petals and bluebell skeletons
So that when I am unearthed
I am covered in the rancid stink of rot
That is not just my own
Larvae birthed in my hollow womb
Giving life to the cycle of death
When you die
I will not be far
Whether I am young or old
I don’t think I could take
Thinking about your beautiful corpse
All alone, in the desolate dirt
Decaying
Deteriorating
Destroyed
By undeserving maggots and writhing ****
Feasting on glorious flesh
Never to know how precious it once was

Your birthday is soon
The air is ashen
Scented with burning leaves
I ride this shaking yellow chariot without you
Passing yellow-green crops and empty ditches
It’s rather lonely, really
You’ve finally gotten a car
Though you don’t like it all too well
It’s old and used
But there's no need to worry
It will take you where you need to go
Your birthday is soon
You’ll be an adult
If you could truly call eighteen years an adult
But I’m proud of you
You’ve grown so much
Even taller than me, now
Maybe someday, you’ll love yourself as much as I love you
I wish I could do the same for myself
Soon, it will be my birthday as well
I’ll be an adult
But you know I’m still a child
Small inside and immature
Thinking about the childhood ripped away from you
Of laughter and joyous grins
The large hands of a father that gently grip little fingers
The one we both deserved
Your birthday is soon
And we’re almost off to college
And though you don’t believe you have a future
I know you do
With your graphite-stained palms
You manifest entirely new worlds
I find it beautiful
And you take yourself for granted
Your birthday is soon
And as I write these words
This terrible jostling machine slows to a stop
Peeling my body from navy leather seats
I dig out my keys
I will head home
Just like I always have

A cool gust of wind
In a once inhabited shell
Candles blown out
From a pair of ghostly lips
That feel ghoulishly similar
To the ones that once touched my own
Left in the dark
Like I was years before
Time and time again
Overwhelming fear is breathed into my lungs
Shivers climb down my back
As if traced by the delicate fingers of an apparition
From a past that haunts me
A voice murmurs in my ear
Sweet nothings a cruel reminder
Of a love that froze me in my place
Stepping one in front of the other
Turning around each pitch corner
Twisting hallways lead me to the darkest chamber in my heart
I look for myself in a pulsing mirror
But all I see
Is you

Oh, dear girl
How beautiful you are
How kind and colorful
I see your pain
I see the gashes underneath your clothes
The angry lines on your precious flesh
You burn your pain
Away into smoke
Crimson eyes
Not just from the tears
But from the blunt between your fingers
How I wish
To take your hurt
So you don’t grow up with faint white crosses
On your pretty limbs
You deserve to have your lovely smile
Displayed for all to see

Dear little teacup,

I found you at the thrift store
Nestled amongst the big teacups
With your shining gilden lining
And your pretty petunia shape
You filled my heart with love
Although you were only 1.99
To me, you are priceless

Dear little teacup,

I cannot wait to place you beside
All of my precious collections
With your lovely violet finish
And courting man and woman
Surrounded by trailing little flowered vines

Dear little teacup,

I imagine you've been lonely
Without your friends for so long
Don't worry little teacup
For I will keep you safe

A string wrapped around your fingers
Threaded through my heart
Pretty patterns crisscross with my blood vessels
Paper butterflies dancing about
In my stomach of felt and fuzz
These lungs of mine expand and contract
Filled with your very own carbon dioxide
My popsicle stick bones ache
Splintered from heavy use
A doll for your entertainment
Made with love
For making love
But it isn't really love
Now is it?

Gazing at beauty unmatched
Stripping down just for me
A round of applause just for you
Suddenly I'm on my knees
I beg for a taste
So desperately
Of your glistening flesh
Of skin sparkling
With sweat and saliva
Dizzy with the scent
The smell of ***
Oiled onto every surface of my body
Watching you move
So close to satisfaction
Guttural sounds escape your throat
I just want to push you to the edge

The sun kisses your shoulders
As I yearn to do
We'll hide under rock
Sand beneath our bare feet
Footsteps revealing our thought
Saltwater cascades from the upper lip of our sanctuary
Our arms will hug our knees
While we act like children again
We'll close our eyes
And listen to the sound of ocean spray
Then I'll feel your lips against my ear
Whispering
"I'm glad to be by your side"

divinity
your body
is divinity
elegant
and hollow
save for the rot
eating away at precious flesh
so many colors
smeared on your bare skin
i've never seen
something so magnificent
spilling from your eyes
glossy and crimson veined
is ocean water
the one you're so afraid of
fingertips dripping a crystalline glaze
painted onto a canvas
of a distorted face
that almost looks like you

The Crow's pitch wings
Glide through darkness
Cutting through fog
Like each feather is a blade
Slicing the air
As if slicing my skin
His eyes red
Infused with the dripping from my veins
He soars above a paint-chipped steeple
Perching on an ebony cross
He observes the soil below him
Gaze landing on a single figure
The Crow keeps in his sight
A bleeding body
Staggering towards the final resting place
Who could it be, on this heavy night
But the troubled soul of a human
Toppling down onto a crumbling grave
A life soon to be taken
To ascend to the moon above behind him
A being
Breathing
Breathing
Breathless

i bury you
underneath the sand
at the deepest part of the ocean
and every once and a while
i get the courage
to swim down
to the very bottom
and I dig
and dig
and dig
your body is pale
your lids are closed
your lips are blue
you almost look peaceful
the water tangles your hair
and while i brush it out
i give you gentle kisses
and then bury you once more

I’m still lost
I have been since the day
You said you could have loved me
Since I realized
I ****** it up for the both of us
I have forever forfeited
Your touch when the heat becomes too much
Your lips when the tears build up
Unwillingly
I have given up
The sweet things you gave me
I can no longer make you shiver
With my love
I can’t hold you anymore
And the pain gets unbearable
When you’re so god ****** close to me
Yet so far away

I’ll watch you
Passing by on your cloud
Waving at me
Tears like rain, pure and loud
I’ll say hello
One last time
As you feel relief
For once in your life
No more heat
When your wrists bloom red
No more pain
When you get stuck in your head
No more pressure
From behind your eyes
When you hold it all back
Trying not to cry
You gave it all to me
When you cut your ties
You gave it all to me
When you decided to die

Flower growing around my wrists
Angry angry angry
Thorns cut deep into my skin
Angry angry angry
My blood is boiling
And leaking from my eyes
Red blooms blossoming from the tight cracks in my fists
Angry
Angry
Angry

ebony flowing from your scalp
like a river of never-ending night
a rocky river bed staring at me
with water verdant and cool
a curvaceous figure draped in ivory
with gentle speckles dusted across your cheeks
rose petals part while you speak
words leaving them like music

As I become undone
My threads untangle
Every little knot unraveling
Their stories lost
Memories fade
Images drown in static
I succumb to little needles
Pricking every surface of my skin
While a song seeps from my throat
And leaks onto the dusty floor
Alone on creaky hardwood
In a dark
Dim
Crumbling
Home

Weeds grow from beneath my fingernails
Flowers blossom in my lungs
Petals blooming from my throat
I can no longer breathe
I can no longer reach
For the distant dream
Of loving you

A glance across the room
Reveals more secrets than one would think
If I may elaborate
It says that my heart still has hope
Of being repaired
It says that I miss you
And I’m too scared to let you know
It says that I’m still wishing
For another chance

As my eyes skim over you
Your lips
Your curves
My memories
They burn
To be kept away from you is my punishment
Burning fingertips
Reaching for bare skin
Pulling away
From fear of lighting a flame
The taste of blood
From my biting my lip
Metallic ruby
I've almost forgotten my name
Replacing it with yours
The only one I'll ever need to know
A longing forbidden
By no one other than you and I
Keeping secrets
Just between us
Leaking from my lips
Tearing little rips
In what could have been

Sleepy demon, close your eyes
Hell's too warm for you to rest
Soon someday you'll realize
That I've always tried my best
In my arms
Quiet and cool
The lights are dim
The clouds are wool
Stars on the ceiling
Sparkling above us
Your horns are pitch
Obsidian and onyx
Tired from fighting
Lashes charred from flames
Looking up from dark circles
Sleepy one, have no shame
My lips on your forehead
As I watch your aura lift
I love you, little demon
I will let you drift

As you were bathed in gold
And the whole world shook around us
All I could think was:
You are so beautiful

While you smiled at the distance
And the serenely lit landscape turned into a blur
Running through my mind was:
I'm so lucky to have loved you

When I couldn't look away
And I stared at the most precious thing no one could ever possess
Hammering into my mind was:
You are the only thing I could ever need

Who am I
At the end of the day
Who am I, really?
No one,
But a desperate child
Waiting on their not-so-lover
No one,
But a lost girl
Who misses her brother
And her mother
And the father she never had
Some one
Who breaks their own heart
Each
And every
Day
Who are you?
But the one who once held me
Like I was the only thing left for you
Who are you, really?
But the glue
Holding my frail wings together
But the sweetness in my mouth
When my body starts to hunger
But the shine in my eyes
When I finally cry
You are everything
Except mine

Autumn came before me,
And she asked:
"When all my leaves change,
And burrows are dug,
When your sweaters are worn,
And you fall in love,
Please protect my golden boy,
Stare into his hazel eyes,
Run your hands through his straw spun hair,
And hold him close until sunrise."
You were born of Autumn.
And Autumn loved you so.
She put you in my arms,
And asked me to never let you go.
I'll honor her wishes,
I will keep you close.
Your heart is made of gold,
And I'll love you the most.
So when Autumn comes,
Once again,
I'll tell her that
I was your friend.

i thought i was immune
from hurting anymore
but i remembered again
and it hurt like before
i'll cry my way to heaven
i hope i don't fall down
my heart's a little heavy
i almost wish i could stay around
i loved you a while
as long as i could
it's taken its toll
like i knew it would
i'll leave you my legacy
for everyone to read
tell my story
plant the seed
i'll miss you forever
i promise you i tried
maybe i'll see you again
but for now this is goodbye

rip into me
im just a vessel
a vessel for pain
so rip into me
with the pretty shards
of my broken heart
cut me with the tips
of my feathers from my wings
that you tore from my back
no longer seraphim
no longer yours

set it on fire
the way i feel
burst into flames
so i dont feel anymore
set me on fire
i want to feel
something other than this
blisters and charred skin
this is what i want

I had a feeling in my stomach
That day in your room
Lips on my neck
Brain starting to swoon
"It's just a kiss "
You told me
But you knew it was more
Especially because
It was behind closed doors

Dear Pale Boy,
I’ll sit beside you
In the rushing tide
A foamy white and blue
Feet in the sand
Stormy grey sky
Holding your hand
While you ask me why
Someone like you
Could ever be loved
I’ll respond with a kiss
And a gentle touch
Your goose down hair
Soft and white
Twirled between my fingers
While you hold on tight
Pale smooth hands
And rose dusted cheeks
Swaying palm leaves
Distant mountain peaks
Rain drops on your nose
Your jacket keeps us warm
Waiting for grey clouds to pass
I’ll hold you in the storm

Mother
Help her
Don’t you love her
She’s bleeding out
On the bathroom floor
Mother
Hold her
Can’t you see she’s dying
Right there in front of you
Her lungs are shaking
Mother
Tell her
That she’ll be alright
Put pressure on her wounds
Stop the flow
Mother
Help me
I don’t want to die
It’s getting so cold
Please keep me warm

If I were to confess,
Which I won’t,
I would apologize.
If I were to tell you,
The words burning on my lips,
Which I refuse to do,
I would say
That I’m sorry
For not giving you my best.
If I were to speak the truth,
Which I’ve never done,
I’d get quite close,
To your blooming cheeks
And whisper to you,
“I was wrong.”
I would watch your lips
As you ask me your question.
I would say, rather softly,
“I was afraid.”
I would gently take your hand
And lace our fingers together
One last time
And I would speak,
“But I lost you anyway.”

a burning passion
so hot
it set my heart on fire
a freezing distance
so cold
it froze the tears in my eyes
a yearn for friction
so urgent
my skin cried for love

today i set aside
all the pain you've given me
and daydreamed about
all the days you've spent with me
about feathery kisses
and gentle touches
paint splatters
and pencil smudges
blurry photos
on an old camera
of a vanilla sweet boy
far more than average
soft hands holding mine
pressed together
fingers entwined

She had the breath of a raging storm
Quick, forceful, and cloudy
Running through frosted fields
Icy grass, sparkling and trampled
Running from her fears, worries, and responsibilities
The red canvas of her shoes bled darker with melting ice
Her bare skin was on fire, covered in burning needles
Running towards the breath of dawn
Only to meet the silence of the moon
Placed in an open, endless sky

The things I’d tell you
If I had the courage
I’d look you in the eyes
“**** you,” I’d say
“**** it all”
I **** the day
That I said I loved you
**** the day
That you pressed your lips to my skin
**** the day you put your arms around me
**** that look in your eyes
Sparkling and beaming
**** that smile
**** the words you told me
When you told me I was beautiful
**** the day
You fell asleep beside me
And I told you all the truths I could never say
**** the touches we shared
Soft and fearful
**** your lips
That pretty mouth of yours
Spewing lies that tasted like cherry
**** the cold days
That I wore your clothes
**** those warm days
Of summers by the creek
**** the day your fingers traced my wrist
And you spoke to me softly
**** those days you made me smile
Just so I’d miss you when you leave
**** the day you said goodbye
And you wished me the best
**** the final day I cried
And **** all the rest

To my only lover
I’d like you to know
That all those I times
I made myself hurt
I did it because of you

To my only lover
Despite your asking
Despite my lies
I did it because of you
I’d like you to know

To my only lover
The pain I felt
Didn’t feel like pain anymore
But it still hurt my heart
I’d like you to know that

To my only lover
I don’t regret it
I feel not a single drop
Of remorse
For what I’ve done to myself
I’d like you to know
It was all because of you

Your inside of my brain
Inside of me
I feel the pain
Internally

I want you out
From my body
I need you out
I want you to leave

Inside my heart
Inside my veins
Maybe I can cut you out
I don’t mind the pain

What a waste
What a shame
You’re consuming me
Driving me insane

How long
Until you see
That you’re slowly
Killing me

Please go away
Let me be
Let me go back to the future
Of which we used to dream

please go away
i don't want you here
please

go