Last night I had a nightmare.
I was back in that home.
I was afraid to leave.
All I wanted to do was signal my kids to go to the car...
But they were so small.
I swore they could feel my fear.
The danger in the home, but I must have been wrong.
Since they are ok, it's best they were spared the trauma.
These nightmares are mine.
Nobody knows the extent of damage I've been inflicted.
No one knows how many time's my body had been taken from me as I weeped.
No one knows how many time's I've been cornered, and silenced.
No one knows how many times I tried to escape.
Nobody knows, not even me.
Now it's just a nightmare that wakes me with my heart beating, my body sweating, and tears falling.
Now I turn the tv on and try to change my thoughts.
I'm no longer his victim, or the man before him.
I don't have to worry about my body being taken or abused by angry hands.
I don't fear for my life, or the life of my children.
But now, I'm harder to know.
I'm harder to love.
Now I am strong...
And I'm left with thoughts and reactions of a woman who has survived.
The ptsd wasn't only from him.
But this nightmare was a gift he left behind.
I'm so fortunate to not just be living a better life with a better man, but because sometimes I get to be completely free...
Sometimes I get to forget my whole past.
I can't believe how strong the abuse holds on to me.
My heart pounds still.
Tears fall as I write.
And I know I don't need to be, because he's in my past...
But I'm afraid as if I have only been free a day.
These nightmares are as sneaky and powerful as he used to be.
But they are only nightmares.
And he holds no power over me...

I was crowned, made popular, by the friends that found me.
Every girl was sincerely friendly.....

The jealousy a secret ever girl kept.
Competition fierce, and Manipulating.

Now friends were enemies.

Whispers of lies beckoned my fall.

Still innocent my friends knew.

From thier lips gossip grew.

They took my values and the truth, like magicians who I was, disapeard.

As a teen I began to break, little games and silly names.

My so called friends tried to create my prison.
In self defense a new me had risen.
Like a vampire my heart grew cold, my words cruel and beyond bold.

I held my crown, to win the fight....
I held my crown and cried at night.

They didn't break me, I survived and rose up high.

The crown they bestowed wasn't a prize.

Shallowness sent them my way....

I didn't understand they saw me as clay.

Inside I stayed me all along

Just a little more aware and much more strong.

Just a little less me and a lot more wrong....

Just a little less....

and a lot more......

Forever Lingering, smiling, and crying aloud.

Strengths, and Fears, sometimes  broken inside.

Screaming, reaching, it swallowed you whole.

Warm and cold, pure as nature it grows.

Eternal, free, and stolen from me.

The Windows of my soul darkened and fierce.

With no curtains the light shines in.

Taunting me always, with loves cruel jokes of loss full of agonizing pain and a touch of hope.

Happiness, passion, excitement uncontrolled.

Its all that's good..... my greatest  enemy.

It's the instrument that plays my life's song.

The words that Drain me.
The words that Make me.

All that is me, every part.
It's my whole life.
It's my heart.

She was a child and broken to, father gone a mom lost to.

All Alone she took on the world.
She was so young and her surroundings misleading she lived a life of crying and pleading.

Friendly faces mostly grown took advantage of her. She had no home.

A home is comfort, a home is love, a home is shelter. And she knew none.

She grew fast, still a kid pretending to have fun with the older worldly kids.
They took her in, what they could, but they to were broken and didn't do much good.

She played house to pass the time, and didn't realize the game was life.

She dabbled in this and she dabbled in that, she didn't realize how lost a person could get.

Years flew by.
Ahh the things she missed, her daughters first period and first kiss.

She was lost... Off the grid.... She was broken, but no longer a kid.

She played house a long time ago long enough for a daughter to know.

She was broken all her life, but during her game of house, before she left, her kids were loved and it was clear
but now she had to escape a new fear.

She was dealt some pretty bad hands and couldn't seem to trust any man.

She stayed lost a good while.

Then one day she came around.
She was grown, smart, and settled down.

Yeah, she was lost far to long, but when she was found she was her, and she was Independent and strong.

She was lost far to long, but it was never to late to be my mom.

I've held her close in my heart, no matter the time or distance apart.

She was my mom, and she was broken. She missed a lot I did to, but her journey wasn't selfish. I now know. She did what she did, cause she was still that kid.

She was broken And frozen in time, broken by all She left behind. Love and drugs, deceiving friends and long long nights she prayed would end.
I was angry when she left, I was broken within.
But she was lost, she had no home. For years she was all alone.

It took me a while to catch on, that our lives were lives that made us strong.

She was lost, but she was my mom.

She was lost and all alone, but now she's found and has a home.

She found herself and found me to. Even though there's no rewinds we have something special and real. A love that a mothers and daughters feel.

There's no blame, no lost time just a mother daughter love that's hard to find.

Now I'm a mom, that took a different path. A stronger mom because of our past.
God they say gives us only what we can bear. My moms been home for many years. And now all thoughs struggles and her fears are what's lost, because now she's mom and grandma to,loving, caring and free to.

You can spill spill all of your words.

You can shout shout your hurt.

You can cry cry your heart out.

You can beat beat your anger pillow.

You can rip rip your hair.

But if they don't give a ****....

You must must realize that they will never never care.

When they fall and you can't catch them
You fall much harder
But they will never know

You get the tears and throbbing in your chest
lumps in your throat
and become even more helpless then they feel

Watching because it's not your place
or your simply allowing them to grow

Watching them watch you watch

Taking in their anger and frustration of the fall

You try not to enable them preparing them for life

They want and need indepence, but its a journey
made for one

Hopefully they will forgive and understand what must be done


To love is pain
To learn is pain

And so we choose our battles

And we pray were right

We do this so that one day
they can bring themselves  the same pride they bring us

And we watch them fall, because we know they will get up

We watch them fall because we must.....

If only they knew how hard it is to watch........

Nothing makes a darker heart
Than a heart that lives in false light.

A heart so sheltered from life's cruel embrace is much more fragile.

Unknown to the pain of loss of love, blinded by forced smiles, unknowingly bought friends and won attention.

Nothing darker than a heart so naive.

A heart as such is far more dangerous.

It's defense for the light is exactly the darkness it will seek.

Nothing can keep a heart in the light like the cold distance and shelter of the dark.

The world and it's splendid beauty is only wondrous because of the incredible depths of love and the eternal grief in loss.

Nothing more precious then a feeling so delicate.

Nothing more appreciated than something, somewhat lost.

Nothing more human then to welcome inevitable pain, when opening the doors to true love.

Rejecting such hurt will harden your heart
Allow It to feel.... 
Really feel and then cry.

For the dark of love follows with vast light.

A poem of words unknown or simply forgotten for a life so harshly or wonderfully lived.

Break out your dictionary, because lives we live are far more extravagant then words most hold within.

As I fade from your site

I slip slowly away from the light

It's so cold in this place

It screams silence so loud my thoughts are forced into a paranoid, irrational state

With time I'm hot with bitter anger
Frustrated, because your a stranger

I'm now that girl you called crazy
the very one you pushed away and isolated

I hate myself for playing your game

I hate you for bringing me so much pain

You sit so high on your thrown

Looking back...

I should have known

I'm a little crazy

I must admit

And it's not so cold now where I sit
All that hate and shame I felt...
Its all yours now...
And no one els

Broken much...
That I am

Broken pain
Everywhere and nowhere

I've got words thousands clutter
I can't choose
I can only say they are all broken full of sorrow rage fear and emptiness

My pains so great physically I'm numb

I'll save my emotions deep inside, because what I want to yell.....
I wish to hide

Holding tears
I'm almost a pro
Broken...
No one knows....

Numb and feeling incredible pain
I pray that I will indefinitely break

Take my heart and freeze it till It shatters and bury it someplace
Anywhere it doesn't matter.....

This silence is *******

You don't realize, that just because you choose to decieve me...

It's only an attempt...

You look away as to make it clear you are mad

But I see through you, even though you are full of ****

I am wrong, because I rarely let the little things go

You are wrong, simply because your an *******

I can't make excuses for my moods, *******, or **** like that...

But you, your cruel just out of boredom or spite and it's making me change

I pray and pray for positive strength, for both you and I...

But now I fear my hearts weakening under this distress

I can't seem to find forgiveness

I only feel contempt for you

All of these arguments shall be the death of neither you or I

The death rather shall be of us

Pig headed, time wasting, complicated, now cold us...

My words are simple like our fights, our arguments shall be the death of neither you or I

This ******* will be the death of us

I thought I'd write about something sweet.

And so my mind is full of you.

Your caring, smart and beautiful to...

You make me smile.

You make me proud.

You make me feel as if I were floating on a cloud.

There's nothing more wonderful or better then you...

You hung the moon and made the sky blue...

My hugs and kisses are all for you.

I can't do you justice rhyme or not...

All that I know is I love you more than alot.

I try to write of you and let you know exactly what I feel...

But when my mind is set to you, words get cluttered and wonderful lines fail to come threw.

Know that your my first breath in the morning, my last at night.

Your my best friend, all that's genuine, and good in life.

Your in my laughter, my tears to...

You own my heart and carry my soul to.

I know of love because of you...

And my life is full of memories, thanks to you.

Something sweet starts with you...

And so I thought I'd try again and write something new.

I realize that my words stay cheesy, and a dictionary can't save me.

But I don't care as long is your with me.

It's soft and gloomy today.

With a slight breeze and painted clouds.

The sun peeks through and kisses the flowers.

I can sit and stare from my window for hours.

I'll wait for a mist that flirts with the earth.

I'll watch and I'll wait.

It's the perfect day to put my thoughts to hopes.

It's so perfect that I wait for our the dirt to soak.

Yes it's perfect, but I still want more.

I would love to smell the rain and pavement while the sky pours.

It's a few steps above the perfect day today.

It's hope for a day that's more, much more than today.

And so I'll watch and I'll wait.

And I'll watch and wait.

I think I write with hate.

There's no sunshine, or flowering fields when I'm create using words.

I'm nobody and you are all.

Still nothing moves me from my four walls.

There's no haven, all is doomed.

This moment and the next will be over to soon.

So when I write, my words are bold.

They curse and rhyme, but there's no a good time to read my gripe.

For my writes bear no light, no blue skies, no starry night's.

I must feel that awful hate in order to be talented...

In order to create.

In order to write.

Take what you are and make it real

Never hold in what you feel

Cut to the chase and be free

Don't let anyone tell you who you should be

Open up don't waste time

Remember the opportunities you may let pass you by

Pretending to be what they believe is right will only lead your unhappy life

Take what you feel and embrace who you are

Forget people who won't accept you

discover the ones that appreciate you

Be you the best you, you know

Go out into the world and enjoy life
and attract the kind of people who will support you and be proud by your side

Maybe there's no fixing this.

You continue to be one of the guy's like everything's fine.

Maybe this is what's right.

Maybe you and I are wrong together and we're holding eachother back.

I don't feel that love from you, and I don't see the affectionate looks...

Could this be this be it for us?

Will it be unbearable?

Or will we be better off?

I'm as prepared as I can be, and there won't be a better time to hear that you don't love me that way any more.

I can't imagine us not being we, but I don't foresee an end to this bitterness.

I don't want to hate you, although I get so close.

I don't want you to hate me even though it may already be so...

I don't want to spread my wings, but I feel you might.

I can't see tomorrow without out you by my side, but it may be whats right.

Your my best friend, but maybe our loves not meant.

I've been told that I was the best thing for you, but maybe it doesn't mean we were meant to be together for life.

I dreamt of you and I as we.

It was just a dream.

I felt my body falling into deeper pain yesterday.
Like a shadow that drains with sharp and lingering aches.
Like a monster waiting to take its victim.
I'm where sleep feels so close and so much further.
I can't sleep or stay awake and it's torture.
I'm trapped.
I find no comfort.
I have no escape.
I'm my bodies enemy.
My mind is heavy and my thoughts confused and blurry.
I'm less of me today.
Even though yesterday I was less me.
Today I'm lesser me then I've been in weeks.
I feel depressed and frustrated.
Frustrated with my mind, and body.
Today is a reminder why yesterday was better.
Even though I was tired and my back taunted me with its nagging wide spread hurt.
Today is more.
And I am less.
Uncomfortable, unhappy, and unable to exact my discription of this curse.
Fibromyalgia's friend.
It won't let me go.
And Fibromyalgia's enemy.
It won't let me go...
This is me.
This is not me.
I'm but a shadow of me ninety percent of my life.

She added beauty to my life.

From the second she was realized.

It was then plain to see an incredible life was meant for me.

She filled the holes in my heart and gives all my days a fresh new start.

She grows and changes everyday.

I see her then.

I see her now.

I could never be more proud.

I'm uncertain of her future.

I only know it's important, and nothings off limits.

She's precious inside and out.

Heart so warm, her smile with endless height.

She's flawless with her imperfections.

She's perfect with her flaws.

She's my past and my future.

The love of my life, and one of my favorite wishes.

She's is flawless.

She is all.

She is my daughter, and I'm her proud mom.

A new poem to express me.

A simple one written to feel free.

In my work I share my heart.
Hoping to reveal a work of art.
My canvas is my life, my paints my words.

Everything written lingers within.
Till I get a hold of a pen.

Emotions are the colors of my paint.

My fears, weakness and my sorrows.
My heart, my soul and dreams of tomorrow.

The words flow heavy.
My paint drips. I'm a messy painter.
I know it's true. Still I continue and follow through.

Here I am vulnerable with
with each word.

Setting myself up to be heard.

As I write I find myself.

As I write I'm someone els.

Who am I in my poems?

Who will I be?

How will I read?

I'm not sure.

I never am.
I just wait and start again.

Sharing my poems, pieces of me
with strangers and friends, I'm
an open book.

Sharing what's inside me honest to a fault.

Sharing me,
I may fall, but its my life and my call.

Good or bad, this is my release and most of time writing brings me peace.

A friend of mine, not just my mind.
A friend of mine I can not find.

My honesty to blunt.
My best trait.
My honesty so it blunt scares people away.

Am I not bold, mistaken with cold?

My friendship is honest my friendship is real.

Is this not what friends should feel?

Treat people as you want to be treated.

I thought that was the way, but still to few friends find thier way.

No time for fakes, no time for games.

Only time for those who value honesty.

And so till then a diary a pen, a piece of paper, friends till the end.

I'm a *****, because I'm honest.

You keep breaking promise's.

And you just expect me to not forget when you make your next one?

Am I Dumb?

Is it not obvious you would need to prove yourself before your trusted?

I don't think I'm the dumb one...

Again I get to hear how I have no income.

No income doesn't make me irrelevant.

Nor does it make me useless.

And your money can't buy my respect.

You can't pay me to shut up.

I know you will be sorry...

That's something you always are.

Me, I only wish I could ignore your *******...

But instead here we are.

I'm writing, cause I fucken hate that your such a fucken *******.

And I bet you regret not being with someone less confrontational, and more forgivable.

I can't say what my mind's thinking.

I know you don't believe it, but part of it ends with me leaving.

Nobody would think this argument is really about a drink...

But a promise of any size is a promise worth keeping to me.

I'm fucken crazy...

I'm out of my mind!

Cause I want you to mean what you say all the fucken time!

This feeling we created is dangerous.

If I were stronger, I'd deal with it better.

If you were thoughtful you'd understand my side.

I hate a liar.

And it makes me sick to my stomach.

I can't believe your such a fucken ****!

FUCKEN AUTO CORRECT TRYING TO MAKE YOU A DUCK INSTEAD!!!

I'm a *****, because I'm honest.

You keep breaking promise's.

And you just expect me to not forget when you make your next one?

Am I Dumb?

Is it not obvious you would need to prove yourself before your trusted?

I don't think I'm the dumb one...

Again I get to hear how I have no income.

No income doesn't make me irrelevant.

Nor does it make me useless.

And your money can't buy my respect.

You can't pay me to shut up.

I know you will be sorry...

That's something you always are.

Me, I only wish I could ignore your *******...

But instead here we are.

I'm writing, cause I fucken hate that your such a fucken *******.

And I bet you regret not being with someone less confrontational, and more forgivable.

I can't say what my mind's thinking.

I know you don't believe it, but part of it ends with me leaving.

Nobody would think this argument is really about a drink...

But a promise of any size is a promise worth keeping to me.

I'm fucken crazy...

I'm out of my mind!

Cause I want you to mean what you say all the fucken time!

This feeling we created is dangerous.

If I were stronger, I'd deal with it better.

If you were thoughtful you'd understand my side.

I hate a liar.

And it makes me sick to my stomach.

I can't believe your such a fucken ****!

FUCKEN AUTO CORRECT TRYING TO MAKE YOU A DUCK INSTEAD!!!

With all this mess that we made
I'm not sure if there's anything left to save

As we try not to sink
I believe it's our struggling for air that drags us beneath

Proving were right or wrong
the question of faith

I'm afraid it's pushing us closer to hate

Will we survive

Will love conquer all

Will we ever agree and be happy
Or will we continue to fall

I remember falling when I found you
I never knew we might part or that I'd fall when losing you

Take this heart and save me the time

Let me know the future

Will he still be mine

Let me cry now
I'll flood the world

Then I'll be okay,
me, free
and a happy girl


If the future holds you in it
Let us get past this

Let us see, hear, love, forgive

Let us be us
not you or just me

Let us be honest and free of secrets

Just let the us part simply be

Let us not be blind
and let us not take our love for granted
If were meant to be let us simple be forever together happy

When I'm near you, my skin heats and sweats for you.

My heart flutters full of passion, and my thoughts are only for you and l.

My eyes crave yours, and outlines your shoulders, your neck, your every shadow, your art.

My art...

Your my art.

I can trace you with my lingering fingers, leading to places only for me.

Kissing your lips, licking them with my careful aggressive lust.

My lips are sweet, but my tongue will be in your every *******.

As our tongues dance I know this was my very dream last night.

You and I, like heat and delicious liquid memories.

It's physical passion and chemical romance.

You and I made to please only eachother.

To gently tease and vigorously please eachother.

This is what the best dreams are made of...

You and I dancing our sacred dance.

The dance that only great lovers can dance.

Till every ****** has stolen our very last movement.

Drained our liquid lust.

Till we lay in each others arms or spread out on the bed...

While our bodies scream pleasure and only our deep breaths remain among blended sweat and wet...

I think of this.

Of you.

Of us.

And my mind plays this distant song to my body and it radiates through me till only consuming you will heal me...

Fill me...

Feel me...

And I miss you now though in moments I'll upon you.

My self control does not exist.

Just you and l alone with our sounds and bodies bound and bent, layed out and sometimes whipped.

Passion.

All of our needs will be met...

My heart stopped as I gasped for air

At first silence...

Followed by an uncontrolled cry

It must have been torcher for thoughs who heard the cry

They know to...

That there's nothing anyone can do

Rip out my heart, please

I can't take the pain inside of me

What should I do when there's nothing I can do

I'll hold it in, so I can think

I know there has to be something.....

There's has to be

I prayed like I do every day, but today when I prayed...

I prayed questioning God...

I prayed asking why, instead of being greatful
I prayed for strength for many but most for her

This poem speaks of my pain

And without words my deepest fear

But this poems not mine

Because I could never love,
or cry out for me
like I did for her

As I write I hold myself from from weeping

I write with a lump in my throat and a pain stricken heart
A mask of strength on my face and so many words inside

Help me...
help her please...

And as I write I still can't believe...

And as I write I'm strong
I hold back most of my tears...

and put an end to this poem...

He makes me write, because he makes me feel so much.

The control he has, he has no clue.

He only sees what he chooses to.

But he can make me smile like no other, and in an instant force my tears to flow.

When I think of comfort, he's number one.

But when I ready to run it's from him.

He makes me write because he seems deaf...

But when I write he is also blind...

Will our circle of ******* ever end?

I want to stay with him forever, and enjoy the beautiful part of him.

Its frozen deep down inside, and when it's thawed I am mesmerized.

Nobody could be sweeter or more understanding.

Nobody could hold me longer.

I think he has demons, as we all do...

But when his peek out, I think it wants to devore me.

Love heals all and I've never seen him lost long...

Yet it does seem often and that gives me cause to think me loving him is wrong.

He makes me write, because he still holds my heart.

He's the only man capable of tearing it apart.

He makes me write and he's still mine.

He makes me write and maybe it will be this way for the rest of our lives.

He said they are sad. Far to gloomy.

The poems I write so negative and finger pointing.

He sees only pain and anger. He sees for him no future.

I'm broken. He broke me, that's what he reads.

But the emotions that haven't made it to paper, aren't because they don't exist.

They haven't made it, because I haven't found them yet.

Love is the the only thing worth living for. That's what I tell my kids.
The very best thing in the world, that's what I say.

So when my poems seem dark and lonely it's because my heart feels so strongly about love that I haven't a way to explain all the joy, pride, and fulfilment my loved ones bring.

He said it's mean, the poems I write and he thinks I can't see the light.

My heart is beyond happy my loved ones make it so, he doesn't realize that darkness, is just what flows.

I'll find the words, hopefully soon so he knows I love him & my family to.

When it comes it's like the wind, sometimes slow and calm
Other times with violent force giving no warning

My anger radiates like that inside out of my physical and mental self

You think, you the receiver of my non discriminating anger bares you the cross... the sting of agony ...

But I wear the suffering torment of my own unwelcomed affliction

I am enraged like the heat of red the founder of chilled hearts
My mind bends and bends with pain and misery that reaches the depth of me...

That part of me, even I can't see

I feel the wrath like ****** for fun
Like the monsters that breath only to see blood

I conquer this vacant passion, which I have not the strength to duel

Beelzebub sits satified, nodding and smirking as my thoughts and words curse

He's content with my blood that boils as he commands

He waits for the person who will release what his soulless soul demands

There's moments I feel my every vain full of fire, begging me to surrender and give in to Lucifer's desire

But.....

My HEART...

It still beats and the only part of me untouched by darkness, provides me the vision of what makes me human

It grants you....
Me...
Mercy

It allows me a breath

As I become some what the me that I recognize...

I am torn

What was that rush

How did I realize me

I'll sink deep into my bed

Inside my dark dark room and like a vampire I keep hidden...
Not from the light, but from you, so the furies won't be tempted to use me like the instrument which beckons your cry at my whip

I shall be me alone stable...

Alone

Harmless...

Alone

Protector of you...

Protector of me...

Alone

Away from the feelings that suffocate my heart and blind my mind

Away so I am me, sweet and loving, endlessly giving

Alone...

So I am not ALONE...

Your my world
my sun, and moon,
my water, my air,
my food to

With you here, by my side
I know not fear or sorrow

Only loves bright light

I can't express all that I feel

I can only say that it's something that heals

It's difficult to write of you

My minds so cluttered with thoughts I fail to find words as beautiful as you....

And so instead I'll write something true.....

Your my baby, my heart and soul
Your all that mushy stuff that the word love holds

With what few words I have found, you should know

I love you like that cheesy line.... from head to toe

I'm here, but I'm not

Consumed by my own demons and yours

Weakened by my past and afraid of my future

Forever dumb, useless

Digging my own grave using fear as my shovel, and love as my soil

I'm sure I'll have a beautiful funeral with lots of tears

Of course I won't notice till I'm there

With life's struggles I still loved and caring came effortless

It's myself I can't figure out

Pride for myself is honestly pride for others...

I know my value is somewhere in my mind, but fear and failure are far to strong

I'm ok

I live for the love I give

As long as they know thier loved and safe

I'm accomplished in the best way

God put me here to bask in love

My pain is the hurt of the world

The ones I protect myself from and pray for

Loved ones, your ever so close, but most of you are blind and until I die and you find my life's notes.....
You will never know

That's ok.
I'm ok.

I lived for your not your praise

You know, your not always right?

There's a chance that you don't know everything...

Your human, and it's distasteful for you to act otherwise.

I don't mind being wrong, but I mind your rudeness and your denial of the possibility of you being wrong.

I mind your arrogance and the tone you use.

I mind the ******* you become and the fight you want.

I mind even when you apologize for the argument and your explanation for you being wrong...

I'm human...

I can be wrong...

But there's a possibility I can be correct.

Or am I just so beneath you, that it doesn't matter?

Don't complain that we lack comunication.

Don't get ****** when I ignore you.

Sometimes I just want to be your equal.

Sometimes I refuse to listen to that displeasing tone.

There's a possibility that I'm wrong, but there's a bigger possibility that your just a ****.

Love so sweet, love so honest.
Love of my life...

You make my heart smile, you make my heart warm.

You make weak in the knees, and even laugh.

Butterflies, and starry skies, Sun sets, and beads of sweat. Hugs and kisses. nights never to long, mornings to soon. Long conversations.

Time flies with you...

Love letters, poems, roses, romance galore.

Love so passionate, love so kind, Love of body and mind.

Spooning, swooning, and all that stuff. Our naked bodies, so much lust.

Petty arguments, *******, cursing lots of pride.

Jealousy and ignorance all collide.

Love my friend.
Love my enemy.

My love, my lover in love with you now and forever.

How can anyone hear me
When I can't hear myself
When I don't want to hear myself

Will I be lost forever
Will I ever find comfort in myself

It's not so tragic.... I have some descent moments.
But times like this....
My heart weeps of  loneliness.

It seems sometimes hopeless
It seems a waste.....
But once in a while I get a glimpse and my emptiness subsides.

I don't love my pain. It's a very heavy cross to bear.
It's my familiar place.... It feels safe.

You can't be broken while invisible.

I can't be anything.... Not even me.

As safe as I feel.... I'm so lost.

I'm lonely  watching the world pass by.

Is this what should be , cause with all this pain......
I can still see beauty in the world.

Let me smile a bit more.
Let life open some happy doors.
Let me share the love inside and accept The love outside.

Right now I matter not, but perhaps some day soon I will.
And hopefully I can be a better me that smiles to.

I find myself taking breaths but not breathing

Gasping even for the slightest chance of a comforting breathing pattern.

This anxiety has me on my knees. Like a thief it's stolen my breath and my strength

The dizziness sprinkles hovering over me slow and faint...

I'm lost, but not lost...

I'm here, but the room spins, and I fear I may faint

The more people I see and hear the more dizzy I get

Eyes find me...

They watch me pretend to be fine

I'm pale and clammy

I want to disappear

Tears want to fall but I'm able to keep them in for a while

When they finally fall I say that I'm fine

I only need to sit down and get home, I say I am tired

This will pass, it always does

Another day ruined, because I have to go home...

My families face blanketed with disappointment...

Another trip failed

I feel their eyes and thoughts of shame and frustration

In my mind I hear the wishes

This kills me more than the burden of anxiety alone

I feel as if I never should have left home

I want to be part of my family, but when I'm in my room...

I feel they are much more happy and things are as they should be

These thoughts bring me tears even now

I'm so **** tired of letting them down

I spiral into darkness and depression, with an anxieties jacket

And I feel them question me, as if I wasn't cursed and this was just me being mean

I sink down inside me and pretend I don't know what they think

Once in a while I'll hear I'm a control freak

Once in a while I hear I am ******

I get blamed out loud for all of my *******

Since I'm definitely flawed I know there's truth to it

This...

This, is what's heart breaking to me

And me, knowing I'm broken, it sends me deeper into my room...

I'll take my **** meds in an attempt to **** what feels like hate

But on this journey I'm still alone, even when they say they understand

I've seen way to many eyes rolls to think that they know my torture

And they will never understand my real guilt...

They will never believe that even with my emotions fighting inside my heart and soul, my real torment is that I ruin thier day

And I'm afraid that it makes me so much less...

To them.......

I feel some times I shouldn't even exist

My selfish heart won't let me leave...

I love them, so much I can't imagine giving in

I love them so much I feel shame and selfishness....

They say loss gets easier.... But years later my heart cries along with my eyes....

He works so hard though the week.

How can I wake him from his sleep?

My body wants him. My tongue to.

My mind is racing on what we will do.
Should I wake him from his sleep? Gently kissing him, starting with his cheek.

I'm awake I always am, but should I wake this hard working man?

We had fun. We played today.

Touching each other in wonderfully messy ways.

He led me down. He ate out.
It was all that love and lust should be about.

Lips were licked and necks bit, bodies one, and finger fun.

Ankle gripping, legs were spread.
Then he bent me over the bed.

So fulfilling and ******.

Sweating, panting.
*** perfumed room.
Held hands, hair pulling and ******* to.

It couldn't be better don't get me wrong.
But all this writing and he won't be sleeping long.

I said if I woke him I would start with a gentle kiss on his cheek, but being reminded.... That would be weak.

When he wakes he better be prepared, because all this passion Must be fed.

So I'll wake him, and I'll wake his friend.....

I can't wait to start again.

With insomnia I've been cursed, but sometimes...... I know things could be worse.

He works so hard though the week.

How can I wake him from his sleep?

My body wants him. My tongue to.

My mind is racing on what we will do.
Should I wake him from his sleep? Gently kissing him, starting with his cheek.

I'm awake I always am, but should I wake this hard working man?

We had fun. We played today.

Touching each other in wonderfully messy ways.

He led me down. He ate out.
It was all that love and lust should be about.

Lips were licked and necks bit, bodies one, and finger fun.

Ankle gripping, legs were spread.
Then he bent me over the bed.

So fulfilling and ******.

Sweating, panting.
*** perfumed room.
Held hands, hair pulling and ******* to.

It couldn't be better don't get me wrong.
But all this writing and he won't be sleeping long.

I said if I woke him I would start with a gentle kiss on his cheek, but being reminded.... That would be weak.

When he wakes he better be prepared, because all this passion Must be fed.

So I'll wake him, and I'll wake his friend.....

I can't wait to start again.

With insomnia I've been cursed, but sometimes...... I know things could be worse.

I'm not well...

I know this.

I took these meds because I want to be better for them.

But I'm so ******* up that my pain lingers and clings on to thier lives.

I'm broken and I know its my past that pushed me into this life.

I took these meds daily in attempt to be less miserable for them.

Because my illness is not contagious, but taintable.

I want everyone to be free from what I feel.

I care so much about how they feel.

But these meds make me fat, and the bipolar in me can't a hundred percent be held back...

I inconvenience everyone with my sorrow and rage when I peek into thier world.

It makes me feel guilty and worthless.

I want to be what they want, to smile and laugh everyday.

Or just loose my mind and not care about anything.

Being social and anyone but me is what I'm supposed to be, but Im cursed with my life in my bedroom and failing my family.

I don't write to get anyone to understand.

I think I write this because, it's all that I am.

I'm sorry for the people who read these words and can relate...

Because your either stuck like me or have actually found your way.

I'm still gone as I breath and sit, and I hate myself beacause of the space I waste.

Just today I flushed my meds away.

Nobody should care, because I've never gotten better.

I've never been well enough for them.

Maybe I'll shed some pounds, but who cares because I'll be in my bed.

Maybe the difference in me med free will help someone see.

Even if it's just me.

Furious tides, black black skies

Water chilled, like my heart

Waves fierce begging demise

Hollowed soul, beckons my blood.

Fire tears guiding my hate and your deepest fear...


Curse you resentment

Shower me with faith

Relieve this demanding desire to bludgeon spirit and hope of the one who keeps me living

Fail me not heart so fueled

Let me surrender this which makes me merciful or set this evil in the stone, so I can transform

Let me be kind or let malevolence reign

Dominance sway no more

Rivers wrath o' sin, utilize my entire being

Or strike my heart with life, and rid this vengeance so pure

Bring the rays so warm with it's beauty so sweet and incandescent all that is right

Or swallow me whole, and blacken my eyes so all who encounter me have time to flee

Let them destroy me with true affection...

overwhelm me with good intentions

Or shatter every shred of my beauty...

Contort me to my selfish form of desire for pain, drenched in the fear that I bestow

Hummid, disgust, gasping dirt darkened night

O' sun obliging comfort O' generous warmth...

Bless me calm winds.

Take in the light and rid me of sin

Save me...

Condem me...

Do as you will...

Just do it quickly and leave me fulfilled

Furious tides, black black skies

Water chilled, like my heart

Waves fierce begging demise

Hollowed soul, beckons my blood.

Fire tears guiding my hate and your deepest fear...


Curse you resentment

Shower me with faith

Relieve this demanding desire to bludgeon spirit and hope of the one who keeps me living

Fail me not heart so fueled

Let me surrender this which makes me merciful or set this evil in the stone, so I can transform

Let me be kind or let malevolence reign

Dominance sway no more

Rivers wrath o' sin, utilize my entire being

Or strike my heart with life, and rid this vengeance so pure

Bring the rays so warm with it's beauty so sweet and incandescent all that is right

Or swallow me whole, and blacken my eyes so all who encounter me have time to flee

Let them destroy me with true affection...

overwhelm me with good intentions

Or shatter every shred of my beauty...

Contort me to my selfish form of desire for pain, drenched in the fear that I bestow

Hummid, disgust, gasping dirt darkened night

O' sun obliging comfort O' generous warmth...

Bless me calm winds.

Take in the light and rid me of sin

Save me...

Condem me...

Do as you will...

Just do it quickly and leave me fulfilled

This agitating feeling...

This explosive rage...

The heat of burning paranoia...

It's as a part of me as my skin.

Do you look through me, or not at all?

Cause my pain and frustration is deep and through out me.

Like a picture of a super hero or villian with sparks, glowing and all.

How come you don't see it?

Am I also cursed with invisibility?

My chests pounds as if my hearts trying to flee this evil.

I'd flee to.

Do you see this mania?

Do you see my curse?

Are my eyes not blackened and my beauty distorted?

Do the warnings not exist?

Or like me...

Do you not give a ****?

Evil doesn't wish to converse or share space.

Can't you see my horns, or the liquid tar color extending from me?

Are you blind to my torment?

Can you not understand the telepathic messages I've sent?

You can't heal me...

I'll consume your positivity and break your spirit.

Please just leave me alone.

There's no cure for me.

I'll reach out to you when the I'm me again, or someone other than this.

This agitating feeling...

This explosive rage...

The heat of burning paranoia...

It's as a part of me as my skin.

Do you look through me, or not at all?

Cause my pain and frustration is deep and through out me.

Like a picture of a super hero or villian with sparks, glowing and all.

How come you don't see it?

Am I also cursed with invisibility?

My chests pounds as if my hearts trying to flee this evil.

I'd flee to.

Do you see this mania?

Do you see my curse?

Are my eyes not blackened and my beauty distorted?

Do the warnings not exist?

Or like me...

Do you not give a ****?

Evil doesn't wish to converse or share space.

Can't you see my horns, or the liquid tar color extending from me?

Are you blind to my torment?

Can you not understand the telepathic messages I've sent?

You can't heal me...

I'll consume your positivity and break your spirit.

Please just leave me alone.

There's no cure for me.

I'll reach out to you when the I'm me again, or someone other than this.

Let's get through this hard time.
I'll be completely yours & you completely mine.
Lets learn from our mistakes, sacrifice pride, whatever it takes.

Lets breath, Lets laugh again be friends again.

Lets love with unselfish thoughts & make memories that will never be forgot.

We have investment with our past, now all we need is effort to help us last.
Lets not give up, let's try. Let us not let time pass us by.

We know we love one another we know we care. Let us have a future we both share.

Lets do this, you and I. Let's vow to give each other resect ,love and passion that will never die.

I love you baby, you love me to. Let's get our **** together and follow through.

If you want this like I do, our love will guide us, mend us to.

In the midst of all my happiness and all that makes me proud

The window of life is wide open....
Without curtains I can't help, but notice the sad, lonely, heart broken lives outside.

The ugly world keeps my world small.
The less I let in....

The less I see.

The less I hurt....

But the Windows open and there are no curtains.....

And my heart is open and broken.

I'm am but one person. I do my part, but it's never enough and then there's thoughs who are dealing with loss....
As I myself deal with loss.

There's no remedy only an attempt to comfort and hope for relief.

My window and heart wide open....

Am I also spreading sorrow....

Follow me through the shadows and the pain

Beyond my acid tears and my hearts deepest fears

Follow me past my endless weeping rage
Above my fog of wasted hope

Lay with me in the dark pits of my heart
l and drown beside me in my hurt

Journey with me and know my shame

And when it's over awake with my secrets and breath relief

Remember it always...
and be thankful you get to leave

So you have something to say...

But I didn't ask your opinion.
I'm weakened, but I am not conquered.

I know you hear my breaths deep and its possible you can even feel my heart race from where you stand.

It's true...

I'm wounded and my hearts banging on my chest.

I stand before you. My eyes are flooded with wet salt.

I'm am in need of a...

FRIEND.

I can use an extra pair of ears and I don't want to hold a microphone...

Even more so I would like you to put yours away.

I want nothing more then a drop of concern and arms full of optimistic friendship.

Listen to me cry and maybe even speak, because my hearts sad and I've got a lump in my throat.

Be for me what I am for you...

A Friend.

Let me let it pass and when I'm actually calm, let me go without pointing any fingers or smirking.

Please take no joy in my life interruption.

Feed me strength, with silence and love.

I'll come back later, maybe have resolved my problem. I may have a joyous story to share...

But I may come back and need your opinion...

If I do, please keep an open mind.

And understand I'm asking because I trust you.

Please be honest, but be kind and never ever throw my flaws in my face.

Remember like I do. We are imperfect as humans...

I see perfection in our imperfections.

Our Unique paths and spirited choices.

I see beauty in our differences, in our triumphs and even in our flawed life lessons.

I'll be here when you need a shoulder...

A friend...

So if I fall, if your my friend...

Thank you for being there for me.

And if I'm not...

Well go ahead and tell me to *******, because preying on someone when they are weak is low.

And like I said I'm human...

I am HUMAN, but  I will recover.

And all that energy you put into weak attempts to shatter the jilted....

Well that **** will not be forgotten.

And I will stand tall with the grace of your friendship or despite your cruel intentetions to take advantage of the fragile ache I bore.

Creative, cluttered mind that's me.

A life living, not as one should lead.

Breaking, still surviving in my head.

Hummid air of anguish grips my throat.

Dragging me through every bittersweet day and every single long exhausting night.

Anxious torment and lack of sleep from insomnia,  and ptsd.

Rage ridden bipolar and depression radiate through out me.

But I'm here it's a wonder when suicide is peeking in and flirting with me.

I feel eye's all about me, watching, lingering in safe distance.

Careful word's and rushed conversation is how I am accepted.

Frustrated and alone is the equivalent.

Ice pack pillows...

So many and so close like skin to my skull.

Pain so vicious that my bodies aches from fibromyalgia are numb.

Any scent is like an attack, pounding my head...

I have no strength to fight back.

My stomachs tired too...

It refuses to hold any food.

Light is like lasers set to explode.

And moving...

Moving causes silent tears for fear of adding sound...

I'm in a world of torture, only one with severe migraines knows.

With prescription relief comes a side effects pain...

Thought through carefully it's worth the trade.

One morning or day gone...

Maybe even a few...

Before comeplete comfort sits a dull draining day...

After each tormenting migraine I find a sweet appreciation for my every day physical pains.

She hates me, because Im broken.

The picture she sees is distorted, and spot on point.

The fear in my eyes is only weakness and the rage in my veines is so hot she can feel it.

She knows me all to well and she hates me.

My bursts of drama makes her sick, and in her eyes I almost don't exist.

All my flaws and and even my good deeds, she thinks, wishing I wasn't me.

She sees my shadow in the halls, and my figure in my room.

Her heart's so warm, it could easily break.

Like my heart... Its her best trait and weakness.

She looks at me from the corner of her eye and feels disgust.

She hates me.

Im like the mirror in the lake, when its disturbed there's no view.

She sees my medication, and how it only sometimes works.

Now the fear she feels is for her alone.

My beauty, my shell, my insides like liquid....

She hates me.

She makes me strong and breaks me down, without trying.

She makes me sad and proud.

She fills my heart.

Through her my blood flows far to freely, and she denies me.

She is beautiful inside and out, but I may have broken her by being broken.

I live in fear, but pray all my strength has been passed to her.

She hates me and its ok.

I hate me.

I enjoy nothing.

I fear nothing.

And I hate no one.

I enjoy nothing, except watching you in your smile.

I fear nothing, except everything that might put you in danger.

I hate no one, except the one's who have brought you sorrow.

I'm nobody, without you...

You make me smile.

You make me cry.

You give me life by simply being alive.

Without you I don't exist.

Without you there's never been a breath.

Call me your shadow.

Call me your friend.

I'll know no other happiness except you till the end.