I was saved years ago

Saved from the drugs and crime I was so close to finding

All the abuse and sorrow I lived was now fading slowly, as he grew like a seed inside this teen kid

All the hopelessness slipped away

I had a reason to behave

Forced to grow up far to early

Today I'm exactly who I was meant to be

I'm a mom...

A few times over

But he's my first experience with pride...

The very first true joy in my life

People say I was brave to raise a child

Truth is he gave me purpose

He gave me life

All of the pain I almost drowned in, almost gave in to...

All the me that was left,
he found and saved me to

And he did this from simply existing in my whom

That little boy gave me the will to learn from my lifetime movie past

My angel, my heart, the first boy to steal my heart

The night you were born it rained so hard

It washed away any chance of being consumed by the dark

Loves the best thing in the world and you are my proof

Heart you babe......

I love you

I write with honesty and drape it with emotion.

I wash my words with tears and dry them in anger.

I never read my words out loud, my tongue has no taste for them.

I don't notice anyone sees my writes as I notice nobody feels them.

I tap my words on to a screen as I watch my tv.

I write my words just with me and expect nobody.

Words scrape raw into my mind, on to the screen.

They reap my pain in the most simplest way.

It's not very beautiful, not like my hello poetry friends, but it's just like me no time for etiquette.

The words stumble from my mind, much like someone who has lost thier way.

And my heart reads into every line, even when I say I bare none.

Be it rushed, sloppy and brazen...

My words always always find their way onto my hello poetry page.

I get lost in all of my fellow writers, writes.

But it's no surprise, because that's how it is in my everyday life.

I'm lost and I'm found, alot down and almost never sound.

I write how I live.

I write only what I live...

My echoes are all I have to give to my hello poetry friends.

If only everyone could appreciate all of our heroes

The ones who left home to protect home, not just the ones who fight here in our homeland in our streets

Love is protection and protection bitter sweet

Day & night. The games you play. Taking advantage, knowing I'll stay.

Your sweet and warm, till your bored, and now your cold. You get rude, so very bold. I tell myself it's so old.
Conversations get rushed, you have excuses for excuses and become defensive. You point your fingers you think I'm distracted. Telling me how I over reacted.

My instinct has spoken time and time again. With the your silence, instinct is my friend.

I tell myself it's only a matter of time when I control the light, when I say it's night.

I'm sweet. I'm in love, but I'm not blind. I see you baby.

You see me small, blind, and so sweet. You see me, so you think.

Love is blind so they say, but that was me yesterday.

Now I sit and I wait.

Soon I'll say when, and it will be so. I'll be a new me, the one you don't know. I'll be the one you made with dishonesty.

I'll bide my time. I'll be prepared.
I may be broken even shattered, but you see what you want to see and I'm not me.
You see what you want to see and I'm not me.....

I'm here not alone.
Happy in our home.

The lives around me smile and laugh. Plans for tomorrow plans for today. Plans for us all, but I'm so far away.

My heart smiles, and it's full of pride.
My family is beautiful, so perfect, so full of life. All of our futures shine so bright.

All is well. All is fine.
I get to have them, they are all mine.

I hold me together day after day and hope that this sometimes loneliness goes away.

I'm not alone and I'm beyond happy.
They are my life and they are all doing great.

I'm not alone. Its not possible when I'm home.

Let me just bring some light to blend with theirs. Let me bring them pride and plan some plans.

I'm not alone. I am blessed.
I'm not alone, but I am a mess.

Life's continuously changing miraculously every day.

I'm still here, and they are with me.

The darkness is hazy, dimmed with light.

The sun's shining and all feels right.

Suicides just a crazy idea, I'm embarrassed I had.

Today is today.

A much, much better day than yesterday.

I'm still here.

I'm feeling far away from yesterday.

It's a beautiful world.

It's miraculous.

The sun's shining and it's not at all hot.

There's a breeze that seems to catch me, right before I fall.

It's a miracle I'm here and happy or even at all.

I live in the moment, because tomorrow is never far.

Normal has no home with me.

Rage is a wonderful mess.

Shake my hand...

Bend around my mind.

Bend all you can.

Sick is what I am.

Contagious is what I'm not, but you will flee all the same.

Satisfaction to my day.

Stay away so I don't have to try to explain.

Stay away...

PTSD, and a sprinkle of Rage...

Bipolar me will tarnish your day.

You will never understand my fears.

You will never understand the me that isn't me...

The desolate creation of Molestation, Physical Abuse, Verbal abuse, and ****!

Paint me Not a Victim for you are mine!

I'm ice cold and brilliant in my revenge.

I am easy on the eyes...

I'm a wonderful disguise!

I'll fight with my word's, even though I can't sleep.

You can be the victim of you!

Karma and God will find you!

But first you will see me.

My other me...

Such things that I think...

What you have done to me is nothing compared to my friend Beelzebub!

My mind's damaged Razor Sharp.

The Blood my mind spills is Beautiful, and warm like Family.

I'm the creature that feeds off the stench of your decomposing corps.

In my mind all that's gory is miraculous art.

You are Glorious in your Death!

And it is ART!

Fantasic ART!

Unique in your final pose...

Unique is your Blood on my paint brush.

Victims, Vast!

My gallery is full.

Such Monster's you all are!

But as I write, and create...

I'm the monster Today.

For Survivor's of hate!

I'll create!

No victims of innocence will bleed today.

It's a new day!

I have spray paint filled with the blood of the ******* who stole comfort from your night.

Cry not tonight!

Your composing the nightmares this night!

Set your hurt free...

Let them Bleed.

It's time for art's & craft's.

Carry them to me!

Cold as ice

I should have known

You turn on your emotions like a light switch

Ever so safe

How I wish you could feel my sadness right now

Cuz it will be nothing compared to the loss you will feel when I walk out

But you think I'm crazy & dumb

And you believe I'll get over everything

Maybe I might...

But, maybe today, maybe tomorrow

I'll leave this place and let go of my sorrow

I know you believe that this game will last forever

But I'm not dumb like you think....

I just love you

I might cry, but freedom will give me happiness

you will be the one to realize you shouldn't have taken my love for granted

I might be older
I might be bigger
But I'm still a prize
And I'm still beautiful

I might be hurt right now

But your hurt won't start till I leave 

I might be hurt right now, but your hurt won't start till I can breath

Another day gone to slow. A life replay, I wish I  didn't know.

The best of times are to few. To much of me putting up with you.

This rollercoaster is no fun. It gives me headaches. I'm so done.

The life the love its still there, but it takes two.....  

I know its been said many times before, I cried you lied, we dance again, but life's to short there's no understanding.

This dance is old and no fun.

Another day, gone to slow. Another day, we already know.

War has begun no shots fired no blows draw blood

Instead words are exchanged

Her hearts broken
Her heart is broken

Have you heard the gossip

Friends now enemies...

Its come to this

Nobody knows how tight we were
But planted jealousy and whispers seem to push our end

Its what they planned...

I'll never be the same
You will never be the same

We broke one another's trust with belief of words never spoken

I sit here now
You sit there

We both speak battle words that scars us deep, and the pain that spills can't be cleaned

When we pass in the hall's it's cheesy and sad...

We both pause...

You look back,  and so do I
But you will never know for sure that it's an I'm sorry and neither will I

We clicked from the start, so open, so sweet
We both were smart
But that strength and stubbornness we valued in each other

Well that pride...

Its what broke us, because we are selfish

And you nor I did not know this

Its me or you who's right...

It's me

Both our heads held high

*******

**** this

Your just a .......

Something has arrived.

It's bitter and angry, like a stranger cold and distant.

So deep, the depth is immeasurable.

So draining, that it's taking the warmth from my loving heart.

So painful, yet it's old and become apart of me.

Salt rain has flowed from my eye's, but now I must declare a drought.

I'll reap strength from this too.

No matter how it resolves or ends.

But NOW I am, useless.

I am sad, confused, and lonely.

I believe in god so I know there's a reason for this.

Or could it be as if feels?

That I am cursed and I shall live out this life knowing only other's joy?

Am I just to guide and care for other's?

I feel they are great, with wonderful future's.

I know they will do important, miraculous things.

I am proud.

But if I'm but a speck of them, meant only to insure their happiness and safety...

Shall I give up on my own personal fulfillment?

After all, my heart's joy is only them and their success.

Is this who I am?

And should that other love be halted, instead if mourned?

Is this pain for not, as it's not meant for me to have?

I'm saying I...

Does that mean there's more for me?

Am I just to weak for this and convincing myself to give up on love?

Or is this love *******, something that's plagued me?

Can it be that we simply just don't belong together?

Or are we're both just stubborn and are about to lose the best thing we ever had?

How this confuses and conflicts my mind, heart and soul.

The only thing I do know is that I am alone, empty, and becoming cold.

And I know that love hurts...

You read my poems. You think you know.
I spill my words on to paper my whole heart and my anger.

You Read my poems and think you know.
I'm broken, emotional and my own failure.

You read my poems and my fears are clear.
You read my poems my hearts with them.

You read my poems. My relationship is so over.

You read my poems. I'm in love.

You read my poems.....
Its obvious I wept.

You read my poems, I'm far from home.
You read my poems, I'm all alone.

Your Reading my poems, I must be bipolar.
Your reading my poems, but they are far from over.

I'm this, I'm that of that your sure.
Your reading my poems, but there will be more....

Had I known

I had would of wrote her more letters and many poems

I would have used our time wisely,
And hugged her much more tightly

I would have forced her to take a deep breath

To truly relax and admire all the beauty she inspired

Had I known I'd let the rivers of love, appreciation, respect, and pride flow....

And flow....

Had I known.....

I would have never let her go.....

My writing sometimes feels lacking in taste...

I feel as if I reach less of you, because I have no grace.

I contemplate using my vast vocabulary, but words are scattered.

In moment's of frustration, they don't even belong...

Humidity, creates a hot sticky day.

Like a dirt devil tornados destruction and hate, Lot's of hate.

My feelings are these...

My life, and air thickened by debris.

Discover the beauty in my flaw.

Caress my lips in my most magnificent finest rage.

Beelzebub...

Lucifer my Brother!

Send me your serpents tongue, so I can impress and astonish everyone.

Allow my peers to feel my fear.

To frolic about my consistency.

My endearing, malevolent mouth exhausted with praise to hostility.

Surrender me the potency to mesmerize, to satisfy all who read.

For I regret I succeed in resonating ignorance.

Please realize the beautiful despair I'm in.

The agony, and all the sin I contemplate.

I'm often frolicking in my very own abyss, and I prefer to share the view with clarity.

My reality feels effortless, and absolutely simple.

Like a Neanderthal battering a rock, like cartoons, building blocks and punching walls.

I am lost.

I am lost...

Dare not believe the individual conflicted is nearly as basic as the mania wrath within.

I can be graceful and alluring with only my scribble.

I need not flaunt my physical being.

I can make all of this pandemonium harmoniously, sing.

I can come across to you as someone well taught.

But this Fucken Rage that Bipolar devises...

It originates from somewhere pretty **** crude...

Sweet sly words I can convey.

But sweetness and appearance isn't anything I care about, when I feel this way.

I'm raw and my writings is too.

So please continue this journey Down Rabbits Hole with me, because there's one thing I'm certain...

It's a hundred percent real.

It's on point, and exactly what I feel.

There's no calm to this storm.

Not unless being numb is calm.

I lay with a shield, numb while the storm debris dance about me.

There's no fear, for I've got nothing to lose.

The storm is as common as my unsteady breath.

But I'm numb, lost inside my surrender.

It's in my abandoned hope, where I find calm to the storm.

I know not if this is my armor for battle, or my white flag and shovel.

You want to watch me fall....

But your to late

My knees are scraped and from down here

I can only see one way to go

My knees are raw

So I guess it's time for me to get up...

Wasted air, time and space

Unused energy lingering in sadness

There's no need, no purpose

I've tried to help, but its so true...

I'm lost myself

I don't feel my existence is anything that's important any more

I did all that was great and made all that is beautiful

I've impacted all who I ever will impact

Now my minds an inconviece

It's rain and dust in your face

I'm annoying and you dodge me ...

Its not fair

Its not fair to you, you can be happy

But I'm in they way...

This is not sad

This is just true

Why should I bring you down, when you can be happy and comfortable to

The thoughts near I get so worked up
It's more then a thought

I want to be here,  but I think it was ok if I'm not

She dresses and fixes herself in such a way
that might make him turn his head
Eyes lined black, lips *** red,
Passing him with her seductive scent and catches the eyes from all, but him

His heart she holds, but time passed slow
Safe with her love, he chips at her confidence

She reigns

She's loved, and passionately enjoyed

Her beauty obvious...

She never fades...

But in his world she's apart of him, as they are one, and so in love....

He forgets the thing that sparked thier start.

He was handsome, unique with two shades of brown eyes
**** she thought with his scars, and crooked smile
In his shoulders she saw as *** inspired art

She still watches him with passion in her eyes, and reminds him exactly why

She was beauty.....

She still is, but what he sees.....

She forgets.

The love, the passion it's still there, but the stroking  words he forgets

And his sweet stroking words

she forgets.....

Cross your fingers
Knock on wood

It's not so....

This is not real

Say your prayers and accept this test

Brace yourself and try your best

Life's to hard much to cruel

But then you think of the time she spent with you

All this is much to much
But all thoughs memories...

The ones you miss are the reason you loved to live

She may be gone from this world but she watching with her heart and won't allow to see you hurt

Look around she's not here...

But there are others whom you love and they are near

Smile for her enjoy life for them
Find happiness for yourself and let life begin

She's not far
She's within
She's your new strength and
Your secret friend

Let her smile watching you laugh

And embrace your life and her soul in the sky

Put you there
slide deep within my thighs, warm and dampened
kiss me with your fingertips hands feel me inside
Fingers deep and as strong as you
find my moans
Let the river flow

Thoughts at the speed of light only a genuine lust can conceive

Sparkling skin, wetter with every touch consume my physical soul
Screaming lips and a caressing tongue don't save me now devour me whole
Movement sweeter then any slow dance, the power and precision of any known art

Bodies closer then my own flesh
Gripping hands led only by fierce eyes and *****
Rip me open ramming stealth
Quicken me till my breath won't allow
Hurricane tongue soften and drink

Take my nails and craving teeth
Slow and steady, rough and and hard
Take it all
Give and give me all
My skins tingling take your ravenous bite
Drain me now as I drain you
Finish with a rhythmic pattern
Beat us colliding shooting thunder

Bind us with our rain
Drain drain drain us
Till beautiful pain and sensual screams are no more
bodies release, and fall weak...
Want no more...
Don't kiss me sweet
Kiss my feet
Goddess, queen
You my king
This marriage is only our bodies vow
Natures wonders all of them felt

Echoing forever sinful smile
Lingering passion I'll savor
In my most precious darkest liquid dreams
And when we meet again...
No sheets

**** curves, addictive words.
Sweaty bodies,
Lust is born.

An argument.
Another one always over something dumb.

When will we learn to choose or battles?
When will we learn to hold our tongues?

What happens when nobody learns?

Will this bickering end us?

Or is this dumb mess, just our game?

I'm not sure how old this can get....

All I know is it's not over yet.

There's nothing that will drain strength from a heart as a lack in faith.

There's nothing that can drain faith from a heart like monster disguised as a human to a child.

There's nothing I'm shocked to see, miracles included...

I write now, without ink.

I write without gripping any tool in my dominate right hand.

My finger points and taps a screen and is made so that I make no mistakes.

But I am human and I'll find mistakes here.

And I'll write without writing, and share all of me without your phyisical view of me.

You will view me inside, but not out.

Shall I be beautiful using the tool that I grip now with my left hand, as my right pointer, points and taps?

If I use a pen, you will view me messy and sensitive.

For my penmanship is horrid and my tears fall plenty.

I write now.

I use no ink.

I write now, hiding just a little of the pysical me.

I long for the days that my hand touched paper and the liquid salt gave my pages character.

Back when each written word lumped my thought and every tear ripped my heart twice as hard as this tapping.

But I shall write without paper and I'll use ink again, when I am braver.

The fan is making angry.

Its hot but the sound of the blades spinning and catching air is deafening.

My heart is sore drumming through my chest.

Im hot from heat and hot from emotional overload.

There's nothing that can be done.

Don't even ask.

I don't want to talk, think, see, or even hear.

I want to be left the **** alone.

This fan is driving me crazy, but if I turn it off I'll be hot.

Im attempting to find a pattern in my breaths.

Im waiting for my heart beat to slow and steady.

The sound of the **** fan is driving me crazy...

Im not crazy...

But if you speak, I may scream.

Please stop trying to help.

Your helpfulness is feeding my pain.

The fans so **** loud, and NO you can't help!

Your driving me crazy...

But Im not crazy, maybe just a little angry.

The fan is the least of my problems.

Who knows the outcome of loves battles. For the moment it's the end of the world. It's pain, fear, anger and sadness.
For the moment it's love gone wrong.
But tomorrow may be magical and wonderful.
I'm praying this will pass and my heart will be mended soon.
But for this moment, I'm heart broken.

Why are my words cruel and unattractive?

Will I never write words of inspiration?

My words relfect me.

So why is it you don't think I'm ugly at the very least?

Shall I never shine?

Will my rhymes be anything more then awful times?

I seek a slick tongue which spread happiness and expresse love.

Nobody enjoys my rants.

They aren't written for that...

So whats the use of pain written on cue?

I'm but a waste, like my words and all the hate.

Will I ever rise from below?

Will I ever be able to let sweet words flow?

I don't know who I am any more.

With this creativity darkness is sure.

What comes with pure happiness is definitely unsure.

Bury this pen.

Bury me alive...

I'm not even worth this moment in time.

I'm corrupted by my past.

The only thing I have are words written with blood and a broken cast.

And depressing words vast.

And arranging hate in words vast.

Today -

I went out today...

I hate the world.

I went out today and cursed the world...

I drive my car with rage whispering in my ear.

I listened to the sweet sound of profanity as my hands gripped the steering wheel...

My feet yearned to feel my car burn through street.

And my heart full of the darkest evil passion, burned at the site of people in their vehicles.

I want to be home.

Im to cruel for the world.

I want to hide and keep my anger inside.

But the closer I get to home the more courageous my rage is.

I want to be home, and I want to forget the world.

I want to breath, without profanity fighting its way out of my mouth....

And I want to confine myself to my room and burn there till calm has found my heart.

Ill take off my shoes and take deep breaths and in an hour or so, I shall be me again.

Insomnia through the night.
Lingering through the light.

Twenty four hour affliction.

Thief of sleep and so much more.

A slight grin.... her sacred smile overwhelmed with spiteful sin.

Tread lightly friend for her smile of seduction resembles that very grin.

You want her Heart, but it's not hers. Its been ripped out only shadowing her.

She's wears Broken very well. Pretending that she's yours till she knows you've fell.

She leaves many of victims in her path.

Smiling now with victory... She will never be had.

You get a glimpse of her secret grin, but your hoping to be the one she let's in.

Broken and dangerous she may be.
You see beauty & possibility.

A prize above all to be won.

A love you hope has already begun.

Tread ever so lightly She is broken.
Tread ever so lightly and remember the words spoken.

Why was I gifted with intelligence if it won't allow me to fix or make sense of our shattered lives

I feel ignorant to everything as memories and thoughts embrace and drown my mind

I gasp for air and fight to sort them, but they come in so fast and strong...

I can barely keep my head above this harsh tide

Life you curse me

Then you punish by taunting me with the slightest hope
of an answer

Like the moon I can see...

Still ever so far as to touch or explore, as it passes when it fades with day

My mind is there just as the moon, but it's only use is to  help me survive
barely giving me enough strength and hope to linger

If I can't use my wisdom to help me, help her....

Take my mind

Make me dumb

Make me numb

Just don't leave me helpless

Give me something to give her

Or give all of my strength... every ounce of wisdom,
all that makes my heart beat, and smile

Give it to her
leave me none
Make her mend make her whole
Or simply make it not so....

You were like a natural disaster to our lives.

While we played in a field.

No warning.

You appeared...

You struck and we lay scattered on that field...

In tears.

Confused.

In pain.

Broken inside out.

No longer just children.

Victims to young to understand that we were forever changed.

To young to understand why we felt ***** and guilty.

The threats and fear, made us silent...

Fear and interrogation made me lie.

You left us in that open space forever, no matter where we went.

And our lives were taken...

Our parents were broken, because parents break when thier children are hurt.

And my lie...

My lie forever changed my protectors life.

My fear made me hurt another.

We were so young...

Some not old enough for school.

Our fear allowed the disaster to strike others...

Now as adults we know a new guilt.

But we were so young.

This very unnatural disaster still walks the earth...

Somebody gives this pervert comfort...

But we are forever changed.

Stronger today, yes...

But never again as free as before he stole our innocence.

This disaster turned our world upside down, and revisited us for years taking more of us each time he put his disgusting hands on us.

I'm not to religious, but I believe in God.

I have yet to know the reason for this, except that we are great protective parents...

And as I believe there's a God...

I know there is also a hell.

And while God tells us to forgive...

I have yet to forgive even myself for being so full of fear, because it allowed him to walk free and hurt us again and again, and others through time.

There is no part of us sacred or untouched by that evil...

No matter who knows our story, there's no person not even eachother who understands the depth of our individual torment.

The unfair torture of feeling an isolated, unexplainable, personal  taste of evil.

Like a natural disaster, he struck us down...

Children at play made victims of a child molester.

Survivor's!

Of a sick family member's distgusting taste for extremely young children.

We can't say we are ok.

We refuse to say you are anything more then a creature that has not yet met God's wrath.

And dare not say, you to know abuse...

Dare not say you found God...

God and abuse will find you when your six feet under.

I know I sin as I write this...

But to forgive...

As a mother myself...

Well that's it's not in me.

Do unto others...

Do unto others, that's how I live.

maybe is a powerful word
full of hope and disappointment at the very same time.

Thick fire consuming my social being.
Ice cold stare confirming that I welcome solidarity.
Silent lips with the power to isolate.
Arms empty yearning to be full, but bearing fists held tight.
Reminding you that I will fight.
A slave to my emotions.
A puppet to my mind.
Bitter from lack of control and weak from loneliness.
The only thing that makes me sane like you is that even I don't understand me.
I'm a puzzle incomplete.
Of no interest to anyone until I'm allowed to be freed.
I know little of that sweet word.
For it comes so seldom and leaves to soon.
And so I'll stay in my room.

Silence is the sound that bangs upon his lips.

No words, only unsteady breaths revealed by his heart filled chest.

His mind is hidden behind his tired eyes...

But his soul can feel and hear your voice and prayers from the other side.

His hearts warm, as its always been.

It's been his nature to just live life as if he only knew beauty, music, family and friends.

Such a fragile state he's in for this moment...

And with his life so humble you would have never expected his impact to be so great.

He prays now inside his head...
But he's so thoughtful, I'm sure it's not for him...

Silence bangs upon his lips...

But we shall wait and pray to hear his voice again.

And it sweeps over me like a charmed dimmed veil.
Providing me shade and stealing my breeze.
Keeping me fresh in my misery.
Prolonging my grief.
Hiding my tears and my wicked smirk.
I am the bride of my own shadow, loneliness.
My reception, the demons that haunt me.
My cake the lump in my throat.
Open bar of my tears.
And I'll make my speech honoring my weakness as my best friend.
I'm a bride and failure is my groom.
What a couple we make, all of darkness will rave.
For I am sad and angry.
Me and my groom shall create such destruction in our wake.
I will make it rain, thunder and quake.
With my groom as long as he stays.

Hey Mr. I used to say
Hows your morning
hows your day 

Your my wisdom my teacher my caregiver

When I need you, you said you'd be there
 
I did my best as a kid to give you attention and appreciation for the simple life I lived

Presents and notes to show I cared
 
Thank you cards of admiration and words of ill always be there

I was a kid, it was pretty much all I could give
 
Mr. you said one afternoon were going out to dinner when I get home
then I remember how you bailed
That’s ok Mr. I know your busy  
You would say then Mr., maybe tomorrow if time permits me
 
I remember Mr. a few times you said get ready in a while we will go shopping… 

But we never did 
Maybe tomorrow Mr. said  

I know now its better not to hold my breath 

Help me pick up this house Mr. said 

But I am tired and on my way to bed…
 
Ill do it tomorrow I promise 

To that Mr. replied tomorrow never comes
 
And he went on to explaine, tomorrow there will be tomorrow… And another one…
 
Out in the world now 
No longer a girl...
 
Hey Mr. I  hate to ask… 
But I need your help and I need it fast 
The bills are do, my checks on its way but I need to pay my bills today 

I know tomorrow my check will arrive I can pay you first thing in the morning
 
I remember you were fast to say I'd  help you.....

but you would learn nothing and then you would say...
 
you say you will pay me tomorrow…  
but I know better if you need money now tomorrow you will be no better off

Sorry Mr. your probably right…  
I'll be ok its just one day and one night...

you were strict all my life, but you taught me well to never count on anyone…
never…
not ever in my life will I be optimistic

I'll never be anything, but protected and shelterd

forever never free all my days...

when I was a kid...

I remember it all to well

you gave me what I needed… 
and nothing els 
no memories of fun
no memories of any extra attention...

sometimes I feel you as cold as ice  
Mr. I remember I'd  often look at you twice
 
You never smiled you were always in a rush
 
I was a child and in the way… 
Way to much... 

Mr. I wish I learned your lesson sooner
that you were a promise maker...  
and most importantly a promise breaker
 
I know you may have not meant it,
but finaly…
I finaly learned your lesson, Tomorrow never never comes
 
And Mr. when you say Ill be there for you tomorrow…
 
I know now tomorrow never comes 

Still Mr.
I love you today… 
I love you forever,
but never tomorrow.. 
Never ever
 
Ill continue to wait though for you to come around to all the love I gave

All my love you never found 

Ill wait today…  
I'll wait forever 
Ill even wait for you tomorrow again  
even though I know tomorrow will never end……

I've been deceived and annoyed.

You think you are entitled to an ounce of respect, because you own a piece of my heart.

Darling, it doesn't work that way.

Respect is earned.

I will not allow my heart to think for my mind and confuse love with with excuses.

I won't say that your not in my heart or on my mind...

But your position couldn't be closer to a waste of my sweet time.

No matter how white or transparent you think your lie is...

It's mere existence without coming clean makes you irrelevant to my trust.

My *** is big, but my hearts bigger.

Yeah, I know I'm a moody *****...

Say it and don't hide your ****...

Cause, baby your an ******* and your sense of humor has gotten distasteful...

Your crooked smile, is still beautiful and your eyes are still a two shades of my kind of romantic.

Your scars are still **** and you are still the only man that gives me that high.

You still have my heart...

But don't mistake my love for weakness.

Before I fell for your flaws, we were just friends, and we shared with complete honesty.

We weren't perfect, but we were real and that's the kind of love that I want to feel.

You have my heart, but your entitled to ****.

You have my heart, but trust and respect is earned and kept up with.

The romance can die down and rise again, but without honesty I'm water to It's flames.

Without honesty I'm entitled to freedom and companionship that's honest and real.

I'm entitled to all of this, with or without You.

I'm plenty weak.

I've been, plenty strong.

I've failed a few of the tests, and passed far to many to remember.

Each time you show up to bless or test me, I rise for the occasion.

My faith is strong, but I just said but...

My prayers every meal, and night are the same.

I pray for Strength, for myself and other's that we see and follow your path selflessly, regardless of the journey.

I pray that other's be more blessed then I, for I am stronger than I am weak.

I pray to thank you for all that we have.

We are BLESSED still...

I'm just concerned, because I know doubting you is a sin.

And even though I have faith...

I am stressing trying to live one day at a time.

I believe, but I'm afraid.

Wow...

I'm BLESSED, more than many...

I just realized that I to am selfish...

My aunt said your a good guy.

Your uncle said I was the best thing that happened to you.

Maybe they are both wrong.

Perhaps the are both right.

Either way it doesn't mean that we belong together.

Because this moment my eyes are swollen from tears.

This moment my heart is in need of numbing.

I can't see the future, because your cruel words have filled my mind.

I'm alone inside myself and confused of what brought this on.

Did someone call you and set your mood?

Did something happen in the few minutes you were away?

The you that you were, I seldom see.

But it has did something to me...

I feel like I missed something.

Before the names you called poured from you mouth...

Life was fine and I knew was happy.

This second I'm angry hurt and painfully sad.

So so confused about it all.

Broken, so broken, but strong despite it all.

Strong and confused...

Something evil took over you...

Lost in time what should have been the best years in a childs life.

Stolen innocence and damaged minds.

Filthy secrets and shame live where I feared.

My childhood not fit for an adult.

No childhood for me, my mind became old and weak on the horrible days of which I don't speak.

Just me slightly taller and a bit aged.

I've been this me since my innocence was stolen away.

Broken isn't attractive.

That's how I know I'm ugly.

It's times like this that I believe there's no such thing as love.
How can an emotion so wonderful be destined to be accompanied by emotions most tragic?
At one moment your heart is so full and sure...
Then at any other it's beauty is stolen, and your left lonely with only pain and tears.
What a cruel way to live...
With faith that your love is genuine.
You feel as powerful as this love is, that it can't be broken.
But the very person that makes such a miraculous feeling possible is your enemy.
Now something so fragile has become hardened and cold.
Revenge sits in your heart with those tears and rather then drown in them, it basks and laughs.
Maybe only I am cursed.
That would be fine, for something so special shouldn't be stolen from everyone.
Surely other's deserve this amazing comfort, undisturbed.
And not even my damaged heart would wish this trick on anyone.
But karma is my friend, even though revenge fights to be freed.
If only I could be as ugly person as he...
The public would be amazed at the treachery I'd blaze.
And the devil would smile with pride.
If only I were a little weaker...
I'd thank Satan for his very existence.
And I'd make myself home in hell as this so called lover is shattered as I have been shatterd.
If only I were weaker...
I'd be the perfect storm.
I'd shadow my every thought with evil and release such a rage.
It would be glorious and such a film it would make...
All of the viewers could watch him watch and run from his faith.
And they would shed tears, because they would feel his heart break, like my heart once broke...
Still I'd be such a monster with tremendous ways of destroying a heart...
No person could look away...
My pain would be art.
If only I were weaker...
If only it was true...
If only I never fell in love with you.
If only I were weaker...
The things I'd do, if only I could be lower then you...
If only love didn't exist, or at least if I knew nothing of it.

When ears refuse the sound of a loved ones words, the world cries out in despair

When we have lost the compassion to listen from those we hold close...
We find ourselves more alone than when were actually alone

Tongue twister of depression and selfishness....

We are more alone with our loved ones, than we are when were actually alone.....

More...

Alone...

Until people learn to listen...

Till people learn to listen with thier hearts...

And until then we are all strangers

Loved ones...

We are strangers...

And alone...

Remember when your ready to care, use your heart and not your gavel

I am ready to not just hear

I am ready to actually listen and just plain be there

Why struggle to push yourself through a day,
for others .... Just to find that you were invisible anyway.

I know my only fear would be not being able to watch over my loved ones.

I'd be scared that they might need me.

I'd be afraid they never knew how much they ment to me.

I'd be worried that they wouldn't get along, and regret it.

I'd be terrified that they would go separate ways.

I would feel guilty that I didn't show them how to be truly happy.

I'd know I lived my life for them, but I wouldn't regret it for a second.

I wouldn't want to leave them, but I wouldn't want to burden them.

When I die. I pray that I didn't leave before they were ready...

When I die...

Please know that loving and caring for you, was why I lived.

Who gives a **** if I can't breath...

Nobody cares, because they aren't me.

**** my pain and sorrow.

I'll live...

I'll still be here tomorrow.

Why do I continue to be?

I'm hollow this minute...

I'm the ugly me.

But it's me not you who feels like ****, and it's for no reason...

Even I don't want to deal with it.

**** this moment, maybe the next too.

Don't tell me to control this, cause I'm NOT YOU.

I have issue's.

I try to be strong...

On this earth, at this time...

I simply don't belong.

Blah blah blah...

Leave me alone.

Who gives a **** if I feel all alone.

Curse end.
And let me sleep before night descends.

Please let me sleep tonight.
Let me rest before the light.