I seemed to be on a good curve toward healing
Everything was falling into place
Then a wave came
and washed it all away
It’s what the doctors call
ICD F33

I was crying in your arms
Then I lifted my head and looked at you
You blinked at me, not knowing what to do
And right then I knew
The journey to finding myself
would be mine
alone

I hate you
Don’t be alarmed
They’re strong words
But what I feel inside me
is unbearable
The truth is, I’m afraid
Afraid to say goodbye
and end up in the arms of another
who might hurt me
Not you—you’re good
But still
you’re hurting me
My heart races
because it knows what it wants
Freedom
Yet I keep it
caged

One day I went to a very rich man’s house for dinner
He told me:
“You write cheap poetry”
I replied:
“Yes—because if it were expensive,
even your heart couldn’t afford it”

I am the Samaritan woman
I understand her completely now
Every day I went to the well to draw water
But I never truly drank
Drank to quench the soul
I found my Christ—stunned
Dehydrated
Needy
It’s too much, I can’t contain the emotion
I want
more
more
more
more
and never stop…

I want to do other things
the chores call me
but each time it’s harder
poetry has tangled me in such a way that
ah…
I just want to keep drinking from it
forever

I thought only in prose
I could be whoever I wanted to be
How mistaken I was—here too!
I can be a thousand and one things
And you? Can you be who you are without art?
I doubt it
But if you show up before me painted in gold
I’ll believe
Yes, I’ll believe
The world is mad

Wholeness
That must be the word
If it’s not, that’s fine
I couldn’t care less
I know what I feel, and I can’t deny it
My verses are not for you
They’re for me
Period.
If you understand, congratulations
If not, I’m sorry
Go find a book—one with over a thousand words
Even better if it’s self-help
I need only a few words to say what I want
My therapy is in the verses
I owe nothing to anyone
Liberating
That could be the word too
Doesn’t matter to me
I simply cross my legs in the hammock
and spot a new world of possibilities
waiting for me

I find it beautiful
Something small, hidden
unknown to anyone, becoming something vast
I think I have a knack for this
The words are flowing
I’m no longer trapped behind a dam
I’m free, thirsty to explore new paths
I will pour myself into other waters
and meet new horizons
I want more—so much more!
I am thirsty
I didn’t know I had been dehydrated for so long
This is what I needed
As a certain author once said—yes, you warned me
I didn’t have to go so far
My treasure wasn’t distant
It was right here
where I belong

I feel like I’m about to explode
Not from something bad
But from joy, yes
The very thing I once judged
Turned against me
I had no idea the twist life had in store
I spoke so poorly of poetry
Old thing, boring thing
But now my words
Only know how to be poetic
What was poetry again?
Ah
Yes, my life is now this
Everything is now song and poetry
Life is more beautiful, more colorful
My heart has learned
to love speaking

I decided to run a test
throw a few words on paper
see what would happen
and I was amazed
by what I found

I’ve begun to realize
that great minds
don’t need a thousand words
to change a life
Often
ten
within a poem
can light up
the entire world

No
It’s not that I want to be some new, renowned poet or writer
Remembered in the future
When children will hold their schoolbooks
Studying literature
No, God forbid
I just have to throw these things out
All these words suffocating me
I think I have the gift
**** the rules and the standards
I need healing

There were many times
I cried
beside you
lying in bed
wrapped in blankets
I don’t know if you heard
I only know you did nothing
I’m still waiting
for you to do something

When I was a child
I played with the egg carton
scattered paperclips around the house
bottle caps
nail polish
anything
that could be a passenger
on my spaceship

You look at me, angry
in the middle of our friends’ wedding party
and ask
why I’m always sad,
always making drama
in every moment that should be
happy
joyful
I look at you, confused
lost inside my feelings
I only know I feel bad
really bad
but you can’t see it
I’m not even sure you care
So I just say
I don’t know why

Because you never ask
or say anything
Can’t you see I’m suffering?
I’m a nobody to you
Well, at least in the end
I’m feeling something—
anger

When I was a child
I would watch from my window
as the other kids played in the courtyard
My mother said it was dangerous
That I shouldn’t mix with that kind of crowd
And so the idea was planted
that the world is far too dangerous
to be lived

at my graduation
there wasn’t anyone there
I wished was there
even you weren’t there
but your ex was
after getting my diploma
I went back to our little house
in the middle of the community
with no idea about the future
feeling so alone
I cried
cried endlessly
no one to comfort me
I wanted to stab my heart right there
I felt
there was something deeply wrong with me

I run my fingers
between my legs
searching for pleasure
something that
usually
I don’t feel in my day-to-day
just a little, I beg
make me feel
something

In my mind
I’ve slept with so many men
My fingers have felt my own texture so many times
My belly has felt so many *******
That maybe feeling so much
Has made me feel nothing at all

I quit my job
because I wanted to invest in my dreams
but depression made everything blurry
distorted
confusing
What were my dreams after all
I asked myself on the fourth day
lying in bed

is there anything wrong
with being just
a spectator of life?
watching the living go
the dead return
not letting it shake me
never caught off guard
just letting it flow
as if some great sage
had been reborn in me
and nothing was new
under the sun

will everyone abuse me?
no one ever touched my body
but they all took a piece of me
I guess that’s why I’m empty

you said:
“you’ve been kinda annoying this week”
ok…
I guess I deserve that
so I start to cry
you leave me alone
alone
alone
alone
in a dark room
in our double bed
alone
alone
alone
I want to breathe
but I can’t
where is the air that was here?
so I just cry
cry
cry
cry
it’s a never-ending cycle
the pills calm me down
you apologize
you say you didn’t mean it
but I still feel
alone
alone
alone

my alarm rings
I turn it off
on autopilot
I stay in bed
eyes closed
I need to live this day
yes, my soul says
get up, I tell my body
it stays in the same place
so I remain
in the same place

How come
you want ***?
Where is your sensitivity?
Don’t you see the only thing I want to do
is **** myself?
I want to cut every part of me
and cease to exist.
But you don’t look at me
not the way I want.
You only look at that head
between your legs
and the fact that it’s been so long
since we last did it…

My greatest fear
is telling someone
all the pain I’ve been through
how many times I cried
and hearing them say
it was all in my head

Why won’t it cut?
I’ve run the knife so many times
but nothing comes out of my thigh
at least,
my tears have stopped falling

I wish
all of my blood
would cover the kitchen floor
so I’d know
the end had come

One day I want to climb
to the highest place I can find
stand face to face with danger
and meet freedom in its eyes
see the vastness of the blue sky
and the stars as they shine
take a leap into life
and embrace death as mine

when you look in the mirror and see no one.
when everything happens on autopilot.
when your best friends are your room and your bed.
when everyone is happy and you’re the only sad one in the room.
when you’re startled by the thought that life is no longer worth living.
when you’re already cutting yourself just to feel anything but the pain.

You know,
I wish you truly understood
I chose you to save me.
I married you.

Come on,
be my Prince Charming,
be the hero who pulls me out of this hole.

But the more I look at your life,
the more I see you moving forward
and me falling behind.

This isn’t how I pictured it.
I thought you’d be by my side.