all the wine
went to my head
you fell back
and went to bed

I refuse to acknowledge,
your vitality.
you do not deserve to exist,
in my reality.

when I talk to you, it feels like I'm talking to a shell of a person.

I scream until
my throat hurts
until the shrill noise
scratches my esophagus

I scream until
the pain numbs a bit

I scream until
I cry
tears streaming down my face

im looking for
a shift in emotion
people can sometimes
provide this motion

the light flickers,
everything in the room is illuminated,
only momentarily.
I wish I could see where I am,
it is all so unfamiliar.

the light's mischief is unsettling.
how dare it taunt me,
with the promise of sight,
when there is no such fulfillment.

although I know I care too much...
I can't help that I stare too much,
now you are here,
and as I look into blue,
I can truly only see you,
and the color of your eyes.

everything you had said was so honest and sweet... but what I really wanted to hear was the thoughts you kept inside.

why is it so much easier to focus on someone else in the moment?
why is it so straining reverting back to solitude?
why is it so much more desirable to be in control of someone else's body, than your own?

your eyes,
tore into me,
and cut up,
my heart.
your words,
were no kinder,
and left me feeling crushed.

you said,
"it seems like you don't care,"
as tears streamed down my cheeks.
I kept trying to answer you,
but I couldn't breathe.

I know now,
That I was your home.
I'm sorry I kicked you out.
I'm sorry you're freezing;
I didn't know it was so cold outside.
I swear I didn't know it was pouring.

I don't think I can bear to look at you,
Through this window.
I don't know if you can tell,
But I'm sobbing as I draw the curtains.

Sometimes it seems,
You can't see,
Just how broken and alone,
I am.
When I fall,
I have no one to turn to.
You can't kick me.
I'll scream in isolation,
Rip myself apart,
And blame it all on me.

my brooding force,
can I call you mine,
or is that audacious?
once so soft and welcoming,
I now feel your thorns,
poking and piercing my skin.
should I brush you away?
would you have that...
or would you draw blood?

it's pouring outside.
water is collecting,
aside the sidewalk,
amongst the potholes,
and in drops,
atop my coat.

i wanna yell,
and scream,
but i'm stuck here,
watching the rain.

hello?
are you there?
you never answer,
when I call out your name.
maybe your mind,
is somewhere else.
i hope,
your heart isn't too.

you are lit up
and so far way
you cannot see
my light
is burnt out

you smile broadly
i can see all of your teeth sparkle
you give me a kiss
and dart out the door
i manage a somber smile
and wonder
why you never ask
if im okay

My face scrunches up,
Uncomfortably.
Hunching over,
My body draws into itself.

Tears pour out,
Streaming down my face.
Wiping them away incessantly,
Doesn't hault them,
Or my hysteria.

Rubbing uncontrollably,
The skin around my eyes,
Begins to tear.
I can no longer tell...
If I'm still crying,
Or if it's all blood,
Raining down my cheeks,
Staining everything red.

I wait for a text
I hope for a call
naively

for when have you ever
been prone to
consistency

i am so young
so desperate
for someone to love me

is this why
i can't see
you're pretending
so blatantly?

am I no longer a mystery
because you have been
inside of me

i don't regret
what we have done
you opened me up again
but i can choose to close
myself back up

all night long
we stay up
I miss out on sleep
to talk to you
you kiss me sweetly
while trying
to take my pants off
all night long
we stay up
possibly
for different reasons

are you a person,
or a cloud?
you seem to be,
physically solid.
you are warm,
under my touch,
but sometimes,
I feel you fading...
evaporating,
like water vapor,
into a cloud,
above me.

this is not supposed,
to fade this quickly.
I'm not meant,
to sink back,
into misery.
have initial butterflies,
already faded?
has my view of you,
already become jaded?
do you like me,
as you say you do...
or am I just ***,
and a dumb joke to you?

it would be easier
to not care at all
to not seek you out
for desire to dissipate
and blow in the wind
that way
I could fall right asleep
with no thought
of you

somberly standing
slowly sulking
stoic and sad
steadily swaying
sadly saturated
in sobriety

at the end of the day
if all falls through
and i end up
with some distaste
for you
thanks for being kind

i wanna claw
my eyes out
then put on
my favorite movie
to be soothed
by the dialogue
as the blood
rains down my face

your embrace is warm,
and it puts me to sleep.
my dream,
is laced with you.
I awake,
finding my fantasy,
to be my reality,
as I drift off,
again.

slipping into sleep,
laying my head,
on my pillow,
I imagine it
to be your chest.

the nights drift by.
finally, i find myself,
no longer,
having to pretend.

I don't have my pillow,
but I have you.
your embrace is warm,
and it puts me to sleep.

i am laying
as still as possible
i feel a small spider
gently walking across
my right eyebrow
i refuse to stir
or bat it away
if i do
you will know
i am awake
and i would rather
you did not

our broken pieces
are not a match
instead of making me
whole
you scratch
and cut
me

my eyes feel heavy,
my head is tired.
if i let some tears fall,
will I feel lighter?

you have cut out your heart,
and offered up your soul.
placing each in my hands,
my grip falters,
as they hit the floor,
and succumb to the cold and dirt.

this is definitely,
not right for me...
even if sometimes,
I want it to be.
it might be true,
that this is what's easy,
but I feel so hollow:
I feel empty.
I can hear your voice,
you sound so giddy.
your elation points out,
my misery.

when i lay down,
i don't think of you,
i think of him:

and i am sorry.

i am drowning in a pitch black sea:
gasping for air,
and swallowing water.
my throat stings,
as i claw at the liquid,
finding nothing to hold onto.

the water reflects the beam,
from a lighthouse.

i scream out:
to the light;
i scream out:
to you.

but it never finds me,
and neither do you.

baby so soft
baby arms
so chub
like a soft chubby pillow
hugged my hands

he looked back
on their love

he could not
move forward

he lashed out
and inward

a waste of paper
of space

she took her time
she lost her mind

she cut her hair
due to the wear

she wished to vanish
to disappear...
maybe today
maybe in a year

your absence
makes me question
my presence

i sip water
as you sip
on your beer

your cheeks are rosy
and warm to the touch
my hand is ice cold
you flinch and pull away

your eyes are wide
my lip is cracked
a small bead of blood
forms atop
and slips down
my bottom lip

as you sip
on your beer

i see you sitting
in a sea of people
somehow
you still appear
alone

let me
approach you
keep you
company
so you don't feel
or appear
so alone

maybe you would
let me
but
i am having trouble
letting myself

your eyes absorb,
the entirety of my focus.

waiting for a reply,
you stare back at me.
dumbfounded,
my lips part,
as I realize,
I have no relevant response.

I learn,
to hear what you say,
I must look away.

you are sinking,
into septic shallows.
seemingly spacious and safe,
you stay: slowly slipping.

sadly, static sounds in your ear.

you seep into ****,
believing it to be:
serenity.

As I look at you,
Pour your emotions into me,
I gnaw on my thumbnail.
Your eyes,
Scan over everything in the room,
Besides me.

Confessing your fears, desires, confusions,
I stare fixedly at your face.
Suddenly,
I wince in pain.
Blood runs down my finger,
Into my palm.
I did not mean,
To rip my nail off,
With my teeth.

i wanna see your heart:
open it up,
let me take a glimpse.

sheltering your fears,
holding your desires,
nurturing your passions,

i wanna feel,
how deeply you love.