Have you ever felt it all just building up inside of you
For so many years
That you just know you’ll have to break down eventually
And you don’t know when
But eventually you’ll break.
But you’re trying really really hard not to,
So hard you kind of convince yourself
That maybe you can hold it together just a bit longer,
Long enough.
And then all of a sudden something happens,
Something so small it probably went unnoticed,
But something so big it was enough to break you
The hell straw that broke the broken horse’s back
And all of a sudden everything comes flooding back
And you’re in the middle of a breakdown,
Praying that maybe this time someone will care,
Maybe the right person will see,
Maybe someone will at least try to understand,
But no.
Because you’re only broken on the inside
And there’s really nothing wrong.

All I know is
I’m waiting for something
Something that won’t happen

All I know is
I’m hoping for something
Something that can’t happen

All I know is
I’m praying for something
Something that won’t happen

All I know is
I’m wishing for something
Something that can’t happen

All I know is
I’m paying for something
Something that won’t happen

All I know is
I’m dying for something
Something that can’t happen

All I know is
I’m fighting for something
Something that won’t happen

All I know is
I’m trying for something
Something that can’t happen

And if I feel something coming my way
I will surely doubt myself a thousand times over
And so this will remain all I can know.

I cannot know myself
I cannot know the truth
I cannot know a thing
All I know is
I’m here for something.
Or perhaps… someone.

I can’t imagine all the beautiful places you’ll be someday
But I see that the world will take you from me, sweep you far away
I know it’ll be awhile before both my pillowcases are dry
But they’re still here if you ever want to give them another goodbye
I smile to hide the truth that I want to run to you
But I’m not happy at all, another thing you can see through
I know all about that talent and the charm you use
I should’ve known it was foolish to become your muse
Only issue is I look back on the days when the sun shone and we both would sing
And I glow in sweet memories, shining so bright I know I wouldn't change a thing
Don’t bother looking back, cause you already know what you’ll find
You know I’ll be pretending you’re not the only thing on my mind
It was always you
It was always us

The lady who is...
A sensuality profusion...
I fell in love...

The day of the dead...
An emotion profusion...
I fell in love...

Ask of me if I love thee
And surely I must tell thee I do
But ask of me if we shall wed
Alas, it is not to be
For thought of love in me for thee
Is not what God holds in the cards for us
I have promised my hand to another
He is wealthy and honorable
He is handsome and faithful
He is quite kind and sure to be the right husband for me
And yet ask me once more if I love thee
And you shall never receive a negative response.

Act like a lady,
Be a lady.
Being a lady means you can take it.
You. Can. Take. It.
Because all your life you have been trained by specialized warriors,
Trained to take whatever he world throws a ou
Like a lady-
With grace, and dignity, and strength, and courage.
You a braver than you know,
Stronger than you know,
Smarter than you know.
Being a lady doesn’t mean you never doubt yourself.
It doesn’t mean you will never fail.
It means that you are capable of great things,
Things like grabbing the impossible by the *****,
Looking its demons head on,
And making it just one on the long list of your accomplishments.

Beer Cans
I remember the afternoon we spent alone in the woods
Putting bullets in beer cans
With amber filtered through the green
As if someone had taken reality and cocooned it in spider silk, softened.
But we didn’t embrace that softness, just left it hovering in the atmosphere
Because I was teaching you how to defend yourself.
That’s how I got you to tell me about the things your dad made you do as a little boy
And  impressed you because I understood why you cried for a week after.
That’s when I told you about my parents, a money marriage with fondness on a good day.
I remember the jokes you made when you kept missing
And I never forgot how your hands trembled-
You hated firing that gun, even at beer cans,
But I wanted to make sure you could defend yourself
So you told me I had a Lady Liberty complex,
And I said no;
I had a Mamma Bear complex.
To which you replied that I didn’t have an interest in being your mother,
I wanted to be your safety and your fresh start; your guiding beacon of strength.
And maybe you’re right. Lady Liberty and the Independence Day.
I won’t forget you as long as I live.
[Rest of the poem isn’t here, but is on Medium.]

“I’ll be fine,” he says
Knowing full well he won’t be;
Not now,
Not ever again
He knows it’s alright to survive;
But he doesn’t know he has a chance
So he wipes a tear away
And braves through it.
Tries for one more smile
As he says his goodbye.

And then he knows-
Then he figures out-
That in that short time
He came to love her,
Not for what she’ll do
But for the angel she is.
He really does love her.
And the smile is real now
Teary with goodbyes,
But real nonetheless.

He puts his last faith in her,
Her ability to overcome herself
He knows what she can do
And he wonders no more
But now he knows for sure
Everything is going to be fine
Even if he never gets to see it
He knows she’ll save them all
He’s glad to have loved her.

She sobs on her knees
She begs God for mercy
She has finally been broken.

She sobs and she sobs and she sobs
Pleading with her Lord to hear her prayers just once
All signs of life, all evidence of a thriving spirit within her have been crushed.

Sobbing on her knees
And saying her final prayers
She has become so broken her shattered heart beats its last.

And now all is well.
Everything is so much better now.
She wonders if any of her former friends will be sorry, but everyone knows
Everything is so much better now.

Big unwieldy reputation
Everytime I take a step it’s a big conversation
But nobody ever wants to talk about the real me
And once upon a time I had someone by my side
But I learned long ago real friends are hard to come by
Well, if good people are hard to find that must be why trust is even harder
Big unwieldy reputation
And people who want to play like adults but are scared like children
Because they’ve learned nothing in life is ever, not even close
And they know every move you make enlarges your reputation
No, no, no, it doesn’t matter if it’s true
It matters if it’s good; it matters if it’s exciting
Because we are a ruthlessly sick crowd craving a taste of excitement
Which is why we all get left with a big unwieldy reputation.
Big unwieldy reputation.

Big unwieldy reputation
Every time I take a step it’s a big conversation
But nobody ever wants to talk about the real me
And once upon a time, I had someone by my side
But I learned long ago real friends are hard to come by
Well, if good people are hard to find that must be why trust is even harder
Big unwieldy reputation
And people who want to play like adults but are scared like children
Because they’ve learned nothing in life is ever, not even close
And they know every move you make enlarges your reputation
No, no, no, it doesn’t matter if it’s true
It matters if it’s good; it matters if it’s exciting
Because we are a ruthlessly sick crowd craving a taste of excitement
Which is why we all get left with a big unwieldy reputation.
Big unwieldy reputation.

The world is full of broken people
The world brims with shattered pieces
We break because we’ve been exposed to reality
We break when we come in contact with one another
There is no way to avoid being broken
And ain’t that some ****?

I wish I could’ve helped you
I wish I knew back then what I know now
I wish I could’ve seen your pain too
I wish I knew back then what I know now
Because now your soul is in pieces
And you’ve left me broken.

Let me love you, her luscious lips whispered.
Let me leave you, her bedroom eyes bellowed.
Let me own you, she insinuated to me.
Let me run you.
Let me break you.
I should have listened.
I should have loved her.

Let
Me
Love
You.
"Are you drunk?"
She hangs up.

Your voice cascades all around me
Like bouncing waves whispering over my skin
Your little nod, the bright eyes within
They make my storm a little calmer
But I don’t know how to tell you that reassurance is beautiful to me
So I promise I won’t show you my heart
When I hear you join the boys who talk about me as if I can’t hear their attacks
1-18-18

You might think you’ve found your flower
But you’ve got something brand new hitting you
Her eyes could burn down the room
So get out while you can, this is your last chance
You don't understand- you don’t know her at all
She doesn't know how to lose and she’d rather die
She'll run with your mind and drop it like a baton
She’ll whisper to only you and pull you in tight
Then trade you in for the newer one in the room
I know what it's like, I fell for it twice, she’s killed me too
And now she’s eyeing her prey and I'm just warning you
Once she gets her eyes on you, you’re done.

Do you love me?
Do you love me?
A dark chuckle fell from his bubblegum lips
Yet somehow the butterflies in her stomach went crazy
All she had done to prompt this was ask him one question,
The minuscule and simple words of which still tiptoed through her mind:
Do you love me?
Do you love me?
She felt like saying please, but she didn’t know what she was begging him to do
Maybe she was only asking herself to erase the words still slithering like a garter in a garden
It was like she was begging herself and him not to let this be painful
But she knew in her heart that his darkness was seeping out like he was going to hurt her
Do you love me?
Do you love me?

This creature…
She lurks just around the corner
Her lips painted to perfection and pursed to prissiness
Her hips hosting hands, polished nails the color of Hell’s fire
Her eyes wild and dark, so full and deep, intricate curtains over the windows to her soul
Her hair cascading wild but under the chokehold of her need for control, constantly
And her entire existence… just

This creature…
She is a creature of the night, no doubt
But she is an essence of the broad sunlight
And she was designed to be the center of attention
But is simultaneously inclined to favor solitude
She craves affection, attention, validation, and such
But values her independence, her privacy so very much

This creature…
She knows no name.
She knows herself.

This creature…
She lurks just round the corner
Her lips painted to perfection and pursed to prissiness
Her hips hosting hands, polished nails the color of Hell’s fire
Her eyes wild and dark, so full and deep, intricate curtains over the windows to her soul
Her hair cascading wild but under the chokehold of her need for control, constantly
And her entire existence… just

This creature…
She is a creature of the night, no doubt
But she is an essence of the broad sunlight
And she was designed to be the center of attention
But is simultaneously inclined to favor solitude
She craves affection, attention, validation, and such
But values her independence, her privacy so very much

This creature…
She knows no name.
She knows herself.

Cross my heart and fully hope to die,
Everything about me is a lie.
We can teach one another how to soar high,
But everything you know about me is a lie.
Cross my heart… The real truth…
All I ever wanted was somebody to love me
All I ever prayed for was my guardian all free
I don’t need or even want any of this stuff
I don’t need to do or say crazy things
Cross my heart… The real truth…
God’s honest truth, I confess I am not like you;
I’m selfish enough to ice out emotions that last
And sometimes I get wrapped up in loathing
My legs are busted up, scratched, and bruised from furniture
I’ve never experienced any of the magical or adventurous movie things
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I’m only cold because it’s the only way I know
I only act because it hurts way too much to think
I get wild all the time because I’ve got nothing to lose
I look ragged because the world doesn’t let me not be
Cross my heart… The real truth…
On God’s name, I swear it
I am not the person you think I am,
I’m a rock in that person’s shadow
And soon to be a rock in your show
Cross my heart… The real truth…
I cross my heart and hope to die,
These words are more of the real me
Than I have ever let you actually see
I cross my heart and swear on God’s name:
This is the truth, and it will **** me.

I still search for you in the boys
I mistake for bandages,
The delicate deer I mistake for lions,
The ones with eyes almost the same shade of you,
With hair just like you lips resounding your laughter,
Resembling a wisp of your smile, but they aren't you.
I don’t think about them the way I think about you
And they don’t look at me the way you looked at me.
Look at me like a piece of dead meat for the chomping.
Sometimes I pretend you're dead,
Fantacise about all the deaths you could die
Because it's so much less painful
Than the alternative you left me with.
You left me to deal with all that’s happened.
My mom laid the blame at your feet
for everything that happened that awful year.
She was on the outside the whole time-
What a luxury, don’t you think?
A luxury like melancholy poetry.
Did you know I love Sylvia Plath?
Especially that really smart poem
Where she talks about expectations
And disappointments. Disappointing.
You'll never know that even now I think
Most of us are so selfish, we can’t help but
Always, eventually, go down Plath’s path.
Even you. Eventually you. Especially you.
Every version of you except the one I know.
I don't know if you still think of me
But, boy, I sure hope you do
Because God knows I remember you--
You’re insist on dominating everywhere I go
And you turn everything your shade of blue.
That blue haunts me in everything, everyone.
It's useless, no matter how much I try to forget.
No matter how much I just want to forget.
And the pieces of me so desperately want to forget you.
But how could I forget you?
When forgetting means forsaking
And I’m not sure it’ll be you that’s forsaken
Because erasing you might mean
Accidentally actually erasing me.
Because the worst part is I lost where we stop and end.
I was so afraid of you that I gave everything
Trying to make you happy, to satisfy that appetite for blood,
Hoping in response you wouldn’t hurt me so badly
But you burned the empty pieces of my soul
And you desecrated the ashes.
Did you forget me when the room went dark?
Because that’s when I think of you the most.
Because when I go blind is when I see it all
When I can’t see a thing through my tears is when I hear you
I can see you sitting there while I bathe in my tears
Your Cheshire grin and sick laugh bordering my thoughts…  
While I grimaced and wondered if I had yet died
Your deadly force overpowered all of my NOs like a joke,
Your army all prepped and primed and ready for the show
You made yourself the atom bomb, renamed me Hiroshima
So even now I'm up all night, licking wounds, crying myself to sleep
The will in my days no longer mine to have or to hold these nights-
I wake up in the middle of the night, you know,
Gasping for air and I can never seem to breathe.
The sound of your voice, the sound of your grunt,
The smell of your sweat, the smell of your hair,
The look in your eyes, the look of your mouth
They say time is this grand solution, but I haven’t been solved.
But this is not the way to heal, not the way to be whole,
Not the way to get revenge, not the way to get justice.  
Because something horrific happened and ignoring it can’t lessen the imprint
Because lo and behold, after all this, I’m still stuck here knowing how sickly
Your friends enjoyed the show, in fear. So stupid I can’t get it out of my head.
I wish I wasn’t, how you say, “just a stupid girl”,
Wish I wasn’t a ball your grins could toss back and forth
Until it comes time to- Stop, drop, and move on
I should have shut up, listened to the song of my dying heart
You all wanted to play and you all wanted to touch
But you don’t get to use me as stomping grounds
Even though you seemed to think NO wasn’t enough
Another moment closed are my sunken eyes
As the tears gracefully crawl down my face
My body is a deflated puddle of numbness
All it knows is the inkblot of mascara tears
On my skin- and surprise, what do you know-
It’s just enough to paint a dancing mask over
The scratch running dryly down my chest,
And- oh look- it complements the purple
Of the scattered map drawn through bruises
And to top it off, red paint decorates the scene
With a knot full of knots, I fantasize about
Swallowing just enough pills
To make my pain as numb as my (everything else).
I lost my mind as I lost that war over and over
You desecrated and disintegrated the fibers of my soul
Over and over as you forced your poisons deeper inside
The world slowly went dark from the fighting and pain
And still, I scream like the wind and cry like the rain.

There are two kinds of girls with daddy issues
Type one, who continues the cycle lightning fast,
Never figuring out she is more than what her father made her,
And ending up crashing into someone who reminds her of someone she can’t quite place
So she burns and ends up with a man who treats her no better and beats the kids just the same.

Type two, who decides to be stronger and smarter and better,
Takes what she wants to keep and gets the hell out,
Goes on to marry the kindest person she can find
And starts a family in a warm home where everyone is safe
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------------
If I ever did need a man, it would be the one I’ve got
He is kind beyond my wildest dreams and unimaginably loving
He treats me far better than I knew humans were capable of treating one another
He doesn’t hit me, doesn’t threaten me, he doesn’t even yell. Not ever.
He doesn’t insult me, call me his personal *****, his little ******, his ***** or his maid
He doesn’t operate on the assumption that I’m a *****, the way so many others do
He doesn’t ignore me, lie to me, disappoint me, undercut me, steal from me, laugh at me
This strange but beautiful creature treats me well.
He thinks I’m worthy of his respect since I’ve won his love. Wow… astounding right?

My ex man on the other hand,
Is not half that man.
He was so very like my father,
Cruel and cold and calculating and charming.
Maliciously charming.
Doting on me before those public eyes
Ragging on me behind those closed doors
He kissed me, sure,
But not as often as he hit me
And he could make himself sweet
But only after ignoring me for a few days
He treated me like I was his sun.
He basked in all I had to offer and knew that was a lot
But he looked at me with frustration and disdain
And he didn’t understand, didn’t care until I had left him
When I wanted to be strong, he put on his shades to weaken me
He turned his back when I wanted flowers looking up at me
But he complained whenever I wasn’t above and beyond what he wanted
He could do whatever he wanted to me and everything below,
But I was to have no effect on his life, I was not to disobey him, and I was not to talk
I was not to talk.
We were just the most perfect couple, until I ran for no reason.
We were so perfect until we were nothing of the kind.
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------------
There are two types of girls with Daddy Issues.
And then there's me
Figuring things out as I go along,
Just trying to build some semblance of a happy life
With my trademark Daddy Issues

That velvet darkness I used to know so well returns
Enclosing my world in the depths of her infinite blackness.

That darkness that used to be my only long-term home
Welcomes back into a complete embrace and it's over.

I am at one with the darkness once more
It's all over, all is well.
And I am home.

If we weather the dusk
If we survive the dark
We are reborn each dawn.
And yesterday need not matter
But tomorrow matters even less.
Today...
Only today...
That is all that matters
So count your blessings
And be the best that you can be
Live through each moment
Only for this moment in itself.
Today, and only today
Is all we must know.

Her lips were petals of flame against the icy fingers of her lost love.
She left a soft and sweet pinkness on her flesh
Charlotte knelt down by Lana’s casket and talked to God
Please. Please. Please. I won’t ask for a happy wife, happy life
But I really need you to bring her back to me.
Lana’s eyes remained closed. Her fingers were icicles of elegance.
Charlotte didn’t think she could climb to her feet. So she cried.
0 for 2 in terms of dry eyes in the room, Charlotte thought.
The candles all around continued to shimmer. They began to flicker
And then all the flames in the room were gone.
-----------------------------------------------------------­-----------------------------------
Oh sweet precious flower
Whose final petal has fallen after nine decades in bloom
You’ve brought the crushed pieces of my heart down
Oh sweet precious flower
Whose withered stem returns to the earth this grey day
It is cruelty for you to leave my side now
If I shall live and you shall not
Oh my sweetest flower in the vines
Let me hold your scent, mirror your beauty,
And always remember the depth of your faith and your grace.
Oh sweet precious flower
My grandmother so dear
Whose matriarchal beauty inspired me so
And who gave so much with every breath
You shall be missed as you were loved
And honored as you were obeyed.

That December night
Was simply an icicle
With a black and white moon dangling
The whole thing misted over in gray ash
And you were steaming by the river,
Charcoal with biting Pride
But I was a fire
Ready to burn, ready to rise, ready for any action I could sink my teeth into
And, so it was
The laws of nature required we meet
That December night.
1-9-18

A true lady of mid-twentieth century perfection,
Everything about her is prim and proper:
Her soft skirt, baby blue and fresh from tea,
Her pristine blouse, white lace and tickling the neck,
Hands folded in her lap and angled to heaven.
No one would know.
She isn’t fresh from tea with Mother and Grandmother
She’s fresh from playing fast and loose
With three dead men.
She is perfection for a young lady
And ideal for a murderer
Because you’d never know what lies beneath what you see.

I was raised in Darkness
So Darkness I became
You wanted to leave me in a world of Darkness
So now I belong only to the world of Darkness
I hope you’re happy
Because I finally am.
Cross my heart and hope to die,
Darkness is my master and my home
Because I’ve never had another
And I know comforts in Darkness.
And as for the man, my partner as I think of him
He saw Beauty in my Darkness
I saw Darkness in his Beauty
We belong together.
Which leaves me in a good place, you realize.
The only thing left is you.
You aren’t my mama, Darkness is my mama.
But you abandoned me. Big mistake.
We have unfinished business, you realize.
And I so hate loose ends.
But wasn’t that how you saw me?
A loose end to tie up?
A piece of evidence to destroy?
Don’t ever try to touch me,
Don’t even think about trying to get inside my head
It’s much too dark for you in there.
I’m not a baby anymore,
I’m a beast full of Beauty and armed with Darkness.

Depth of the gray evening
Envelops the lone wolf child who wanders through it
Slowly making her way up the river, careful of the damp moss on the cobblestone path
Only looking up from the ground to gaze upon the stars
Looking to the constellations for guidance, unafraid of what surrounds her
All she really knows is the cold and the dark and the stars
Tips fading as they emanate from the center point
Even as dreams fade with outward pushes, the stars fade as the light moves. And she moves.

You are desperate,
More broken than you ever thought it was a possible for a human to be
And you just need a hope that you’ll survive the hour
So you pop a pill
But it doesn’t have nearly the power you need
Not nearly enough of a kick to save you
So before you know it you’re taking two to get through the night, every night
And then three, four
But then a small handful
(well as small as you can get; because no one ever needs to know you forced yourself to squeeze some of those large handfuls back in the bottle)
And then six, eight
But then you don’t even want to bother counting anymore
Because it’s 4:00 in the morning and you’re grappling with a bottle
Knowing you’re two hours away from facing your mom
And four from seeing your friends
But part of you has been pulling away from them, to cover up your…  situation
But part of you is hoping they’ll follow, and see that you’re different, that you need help
And, all in all, you don’t know if you started out better than this or worse
You only know a few things:
You need as many pills as you can get but you need to make everything seem normal
You are desperate.

You are a diamond
Shiny and bright
So appealing and desirable
So easy to adore.

You are a diamond
Superficial and cruel
So awful and wicked
So easy to loathe.

You are a diamond
Unfeeling and vain
So hard and slicing
So easy to die for.

You are a diamond
Sharp and poison
So black widow
So easy to fall for.

You are diamond
Colder than purest ice
You are a diamond
So evil and so nice.

You are a diamond
So many faces
Always working your angles
Acting transparent.

You are a diamond
So many colors
Always talking cuts
Acting strong.

You are a diamond
So many victims
Always roaming round
Acting perfect.

You are a diamond
So indifferent
Always in a bubble
Acting obnoxious.

You are a diamond
Enemy allied
You are a diamond
Always on the mind.

You are a diamond
Inescapably bound and tied
You are a diamond
Forever yet never just mine.

You are a diamond-
My diamond now.

For her luminous eyes
Brightly expressive
Sweet name
Hold a treasure
Divine-
An amulet
Must be worn
At Heart.
Do not forget
The trivialest point
And yet!
If one could merely comprehend
Three eloquent words
Of poets, by poets
It’s letters
Still form a synonym for Truth

A diver, down far too deep for her own good
She fills in the blank spaces with whimsy and dreams,
Gives herself a grandchild here and a good book there,
Perhaps a batch of cupcakes to prove she has life left to live
A hike through the woods to remind her she can be strong
She’s still breathing, isn’t she? She swims down again.

Maybe she dreams herself across a river made of snow
Or transforms into a spider, crawling across ceilings unknown.
She screams from the pulpit, " be brave, have faith, give thanks"
She stands in front of Congress, telling them to get wise.
She returns to her bed, the air too clean- she’s a messenger now
Except she’s forgotten what war she was supposed to wage.

She debates going deeper, to the caverns of her treasure
Where she hasn’t dwindled any since the glory days
Where she can cast aside the constant question of how long to stay.
Uncorroded, she descends until heartache fades from view
Left in the rain for a round or three with eternity, she grins
It’s easier, she insists, to swim than it is to sleep. So she dives.

If ever there was a spirit divine,
One force to rule all else,
He has spoken;
He has crowned his earthly queen.
Her throne carved of stone
And her face carved with courage,
She bade the storm quiet
And all the earth knew silence.
A doe at her feet, and sparrow on her arm,
Her Excellence sweeps away the troubles
With a wave of her delicate pearl hand.
Her eyes are hazel, burning to rival any ruby.
With ears so small she hears but all.
The queen, in comfortable solitude
And Divinity.

I don’t care if you think you can save me
I don’t care if you think you have the right to change me
I don’t care if you think I’m scary or crazy or whatever
I don’t care if you think I’m someone for you to change, to control
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.

I don’t care if your circuits are blown by being in my presence
I don’t care if your friends are coming for you over what I am
I don’t care if your hormones are raging out of control
I don’t care if your systems are screaming in a desperate need to lash out
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.

Do you understand now that not everything is about you
Do you understand now that you don’t get to run me
Do you understand now that I’m no toy for you to play around with
Do you understand now that causing strife by minding my business helps no one
You don’t get to come for me
Don’t try to come for me
Don’t even think about coming for me
Don’t you come for me ever.

More gold on her arms than in any treasury
That this state has ever known.
More kohl in her eyes
Than coal in any of the nation’s mines.
Her crown with gilded leaves,
Outshone by the melted gold on sharpened thorns,
Is one to rival the King of Jews himself.
And surely her bands are enough
To stop a gladiator in his tracks.
But it is her empire
That gives this femme fatale her magnificent pride
She cares not for her possessions
Only for her people,
For the men who ride behind her
Against anyone foolish enough to oppose.
She cares for her castle, a fortress of grandeur
And for the high court leading her world.
She cares not for shining armor
But for their knights, standing atop the walls
She cares not for her crown but for her throne
And not for any prince but her own son.
She cares for the Empire.
Her Empire.

Part 1: DESOLATE SPACES STILL
Depth of the gray evening
Envelops the lone wolf child who wanders through it
Slowly making her way up the river, careful of the damp moss on the cobblestone path
Only looking up from the ground to gaze upon the stars
Looking to the constellations for guidance, unafraid of what surrounds her
All she really knows is the cold and the dark and the stars
Tips fading as they emanate from the center point
Even as dreams fade with outward pushes, the stars fade as the light moves. And she moves.
She has class at 7:30 the next morning
Paling in importance as it looms closer, its pressure now mere hours from her shoulders
Ants crawling across the sea and she’s had her fill of  the meaningless chaos
Chaos. From ordered civilization emerges organized institution, but those incarcerated can’t be tamed
Even zombies without worth run wild within the stone walls
So when another stretch looms before the lone wolf as she breathes in freedom, she can’t care.
Slipping through her mind is only one reason to submit. She whispers his name in her mind.
Tall, handsome, sweet, and funny… just her type and he’s right within reach…
If she submits and lets herself try
Loud hints in the soft and subtle moments make her feel like submission is worth it
Left to her own devices, she’d wander forever. But now she’ll have to make her way to class.

Part 2: Great Lakes
I entered into a staring contest with the nerd from English class
It was a deep dive exploration of the Great Lakes
Two great crystallized depths locked on me
They mirrored each other brimming with emotion
They were a river and torch to baptize me by fire
But it was just a staring contest
And afterwards she turned right back to her notebook
Completely unaware she’d left my soul spinning
Which leaves me terrified of how effortlessly enthralling she is
That her eyes have such power… and she doesn’t even seem to know.

Beauty is pain
Beauty in everything
Beauty nowhere
Beauty is love and joy
Beauty is streaming tears
Beauty is smiling and singing and dancing
What is beauty at all?

Sea life and sweetness
Fruit and flowers
People and parties
Pizzas and pajamas
Gold and grass
Love and life
Beauty is boldness and beaches…

What else is beauty?
Sparkly eyes with a glimmer
Bluebirds and ravens gliding on whispering wing
Whistling leaves in clear robins-egg air
Flaming orbs breaking over flawless horizons
Water trickling in magical notes of liberty
Is that beauty in purest form?

Where does it go when the spirit dies?
Fade and wither away into nothing for lack of life
Or become transformed as energy converts in movement
Or dance off into sunlit clouds into heavens above and beyond
Glow itself up to be borne again to some new beauty
Or reset to a new life as memory soft and sweet
Where does it go and where does it stay?
Where does it go?

All the songs always told me
When you know, you'll know
And I know
I know that I've Done this before
But I also know that it's never
Felt
This
Right
So come on little heart of mine
Let's give this
One
More
Try
Come on you beaten golden thing
Give it one more try.

Jumped off a roof.
Back up: betrayal.
Dinner with the enemy,
and flashbacks to, well,
the Old Days I suppose.
Beauty and the Beast
Pervert and Pretty.
What have I missed, boy?
I woke up in all gray
Lived through the ugly day
And I found God, somewhere.
But don't mind my Spanish
and please ignore the self-loathing
until I find my cloud of white light.

I went through a point in time,
A period actually which lasted for about three months where I didn’t function,
And then I went to this animal shelter
I guess I figured I might as well do some good in the world
If the world wasn’t going to do any good for me
And it was magical beyond my wildest dreams
Because that’s where I found all these kittens
Before I knew it Luna and Sola and had stolen my heart
Later I found Starr who was known for being evil in the same way I was
So I adopted the lot of them
And they made me feel like I was living,
Brave.
But I only felt brave when I had them
So that’s why in pretty much every picture of me during that time period
I am toting at least one cat
I didn’t even like cats
Until I came to depend on them
Well... now it’s me, Luna, Sola, and Starr
A family. Alone in the world but still
Family.

Kind solace
Hope-
That fire of fire
Agony of desire

Secret of a spirit
Wild pride into shame
O yearning heart
Withering portion
Searing glory
Amid the jewels
Halo of Hell!
Pain….
O craving heart
Sunshine, summer hours

Rome to the Caesar!
A kingly mind,
Proud spirit which hath striven
Triumphant

I first drew life
Mists have shed
I believe.

Late from heaven
It fell
Touch of Hell,
Red flashing of the light
Clouds that hung
Deep trumper-thunder’s roar
Human battle!
My voice- my own voice
My spirit would rejoice
Leap within me
Battle cry of Victory!

Rain came down
Unshelter’d
Rendered me mad and deaf and blind.
Torrent of the chilly air
Empires- the captive’s prayer
Hum of suitors
A sovereign’s throne

My passion’s
Usurped a tyranny
Power,
My innate nature
Liv’d one who then
Burn’d with a still intenser glow
For passion must expire
Iron heart
Woman’s weakness

No words to tell
Loveliness of loving
More than beauty
Shadows on unstable wind
To fantasies

Worthy of all love
Love in infancy
Angel above
Heart the shrine
Every hope
Gift-
Childish and upright
Why did I leave
The fire within?

We grew in love together
Roaming
My breast her shield
Friendly sunshine?
No Heaven- but her eyes

Young Love’s the heart
Sunshine, smiles
Little cares
Laughing, girlish
I’d throw me on her
Pour my spirit out
No need to speak
No need- Quiet!

More than worthy
My spirit struggled
I had no being-
But in Thee!
The earth-
The air-
The sea-
Its joy!
It’s lot of pain!
New pleasure,
Vanities of dreams
More shadowy light
Parted their misty wings
Their image
Most intimate things

I mark’d a throne,
Half the world
All my own,
Any other dream
Upon the vapor of the dew
My own had past
Did not beam
Of beauty
With double loveliness

I spoke to her
Power and pride
Mystically
A mingled feeling
Flush on her bright cheek
A queenly throne
Too well I should
Light the wilderness alone

Queen of Earth
Her pride-
Above all cities
Their destinies-
Of glory
World hath known
Stands she not nobly
Alone

Oh human love!
Thou spirit given
On Earth,
All we hope
In Heaven
Falls into the soul
Like rain,
Failing in thy power to bless
Leaves the heart a wilderness
Music so strange
Beauty so wild
I have won the Earth!

Hope-
The eagle that towered-
Homeward turn’d his softened eye.
Sunset- sun will part
Sullenness of heart
Glory of summer sun
Soul will hate
So often lovely
A dream of night would fly

The white moon
Shed all the splendor
Her smile, her beam
Time of dreariness
A portrait after death
All we live to know is known
All we seek to keep hath flown
Let life fall
Beauty is all

I reached my home
My tread soft and low
I defy thee, Hell to show
Beds of fire
A humbler heart

I firmly do believe
Death, comes for me
Regions of the blest afar
Nothing to deceive
Rays of truth-
You cannot see-
Flashing thro’ Eternity
A snare in every path
The idol- Love
Scents his snowy wings
Incense of burnt offerings
Most unpolluted things
Pleasant bowers yet so riven
Light’ning of his eagle eye
Ambition crept, unseen
Till growing bold
Love’s very hair

So fiery, beautiful, unique and ever true
Passion burns strongly, ever purely, forever you
Like no other feeling known to man
Consumes, absorbs like nothing else can
What is a life
But filled with strife
If it has no passion to its name
For it takes passion to play the game
And how boring it must be,
Certainly not life for me,
To have no passion raging in your heart
To be that empty would tear me apart
Nothing at all like it but lust
And even that bites its sad dust
Because lust is only passion diluted with greed
And passion diluted is knocked from its steed
Far less noble, though passion perhaps not noble at all
For it causes even the bravest, strongest, smarts to fall
The best of hearts, best of brains, best of bodies, best of souls
Would set aside their aspirations, ambitions, and goals
Would bend their backs and give their lives
To feel the blades of passion’s knives
Fires of passion burning true
Fires of passion for you and me
Take a sip of eternal fire
Let it heal wounds most dire
Passion in fire
And fire in passion
Together they stand
United their brand
Forever true and eternally wild
Ever burn the fires of passion

Dreams of a happier time
Hopes of a sweeter life
Live no more
Gone they go

Symbol of a beautiful horizon
Evidence of a gentle trying
Wasted and thrown
Never to be known

There they lie, still ******* in strings
Still wrapped as delicate pretty things
But no longer meaning what they should
Just a memory of a broken dream, no good

Never forgotten, but not at all good
So cruel and cold like winter wood
Never to become in reality the fantasy
Never to overtake comfort by ecstasy

They don’t mean a thing now
And good riddance to them