You told me I am your everything but that is not a load I want to carry.

2. You ask me to be patient but I have given you so many chances I have none left for myself.

3. You only started treating me decently after you had lost me.

4. My fear of hurting you was what kept me from being able to put myself first.

5. Does chosing my own happiness really make me a bad person?

6. Does it really benefit you to blame me for your friends ditching on you because you became the person you are today?

7. Should I believe your countless mentions of how everything is going wrong and how it is all my fault? Shouldn't you be the one responsible for your own life?

8. I thought moving on would be hard but moving on from someone you don't recognize anymore is surprisingly easy.

9. Is a promise still valid when it was made to a completely different person?

10. Thank you.

The moon consists of holes
deep black pits
of emptiness.
It consists of darkness,
yet it is our only source of light at night.

Everyone is sleeping
the TV downstairs
has been silent for hours
the stairs are no longer screeching
screaming
under the weight of humans mounting it.

As I turn and turn
I wonder if I’m the only one awake right now
I wonder what the others that are awake are doing.
Knowing I won’t be getting any sleep
at least not tonight,
I wonder if I’m the only one
… it sure does feel like it.

But being awake at this time
is not always a bad thing.
I like to walk the street at times like this
feel like the only person on this planet.

The night is beautiful
stars hover over us day after day
we never thank them for being there
and being beautiful
but they’re always there.
They remind me of the polkadots
on the dress I used to wear when I was five.

The night sky is mysterious
yet beautiful
it is endless
and holds so many secrets.

As I take in the magnificent silence,
I start to think.
That this all,
the moon,
the stars,
the night sky,
the silence,
they’re all beautiful.

And it is sad that there’s so few people awake to see it.

self-isolation
My mum tells me to leave the house more often and it’s not that I don’t want to it’s just that I can’t because the thought of only doing so makes my knees go weak but she keeps telling me to “just” meet up with friends.

2. not finding joy in what used to make you happy
It’s not that I don’t make plans with friends, because I do, it’s just that I don’t want to because I know that, as soon as I’m out doing things that used to make me happy and are supposed to still make me happy, I will have to pretend that I am, in fact, happy.
And it is exhausting.

3. insomnia
You tell me to sleep more because I look tired as if I am not aware of the bags under my eyes. You do not realise that they feel even worse than they look. You do not know that I am in bed early every single night because I do feel tired I just can’t sleep. Even though I am tired and my body is tired, my brain never is and I have tried reading and taking walks in the middle of the night and listing and counting sheep and insecurities and defeat and crushed wishes and possible ways to die.

4. thinking of death as “nothing big”
What scares most people is what intrigues me. I often find myself considering crossing the road right when a car rushes by or simply jumping out the window when I find myself in high buildings. It’s not that I want to die, it’s more that I am fascinated by how easy it is, opposed to everything else in life.

5. things that are supposed to be easy aren’t so easy any more
The biggest one is getting out of bed, I believe.
I have learned to put my alarm fifteen minutes earlier to let my brain and body accustom to the idea of having to face things that I don’t even know are going to happen. The fear of having to face the unknown is like a constant winter, freezing my throat shut and making breathing a whole lot more difficult than it is supposed to be.

6. being very aware of your breathing and heartbeat**
I never noticed how natural breathing was until I started to have trouble doing so. Now it just feels as though my lungs and my heart are in a constant fight to decipher which is the strongest which leaves me in a constant battle of having to focus on my breathing whilst my heart is making me feel as though someone is repeatedly punching me from the inside.
I know none of it makes sense and even if I try to explain it all to you, you will still tell me you don’t understand. But frankly, neither do I.

Being so aware of my breathing and heartbeat also makes me aware of the fact that they are still going, and that is really the only thing that matters in the end.
They are still going.

you had me
floating
when you said I looked
like the prettiest girl in the room
you had me
pulling the string
when you nuzzled
your head
into the nape of my neck
you had me
head in the clouds
when your fingers drew
little hearts
on my arm

you had me
floating but
you let me slip
through your fingers

you let me float away

My friend told me
to feel better
I should just sit down
and write what I felt.

But after hours
my paper was still empty
and I could not have
described it any better.

I have these dark shadows in my head
like demons making everything that is good disappear.
I’ve always just tried ignoring them, thinking they were no big deal. Sometimes I gave in, letting a tear escape but quickly hiding it…
They’re like tigers, you can’t show them fear, it will only make them more confident and stronger.
But, in the end, the tears always come out anyway. As if by some means the flood of tears is trying to out win and overflow the shadows.

silly little me should know better than that,
I can’t just drown my demons;
they know how to swim.

Some days it physically hurts to leave my bed and my brain constantly keeps telling me everything I do is wrong. I call those the dark days.
I've been having trouble lately turning the light back on.

you are not a selfish person for feeling sad, neither are you a bad person for the ways you tried to **** your sadness. it took me an unfortunately long time to realize this.

One of my favourite things about poetry is how it can make pain and suffering sound so beautiful. The downside is that this also makes people forget about what is really going on and oblivious to how much hurt there is in the world. They become blinded by the light and forget about the dark. For instance when people comment on how beautiful poetry is, I don't think they realize how broken the writer is, I don't think they realize how broken I am.
I mean, I know we were never really in love - but man, we could have been.

i'm not quite sure why i am upset i'm not quite sure how my brain works all i know is that last week i was jumping up and down to contain my excitement and a couple of days ago i couldn't stop smiling and yesterday i laughed a lot and this afternoon i had this strange tingly feeling in my stomach that i'm not used to but it felt right and i wanted it to last but i guess happiness doesn't really last because the tingly feeling changed into this gaping hole in my stomach and i have been trying to scratch my skin open and not think of it i really really tried and i don't know why i am upset i only know that i just want to feel anything but what i'm feeling right now.

Over time I've learned that happiness is only a temporary thing, and the better you feel the worse the "relapse" is, which kind of really *****, since I'd much rather spend my time feeling as though I am the sun instead of having to hide away because the sun is too bright for me.

You have to stop looking at me as if I am the only thing your eyes can look at and you'd go mad if you were to look somewhere else because when it comes down to it all you do is run away and leave me behind with my skin burned by your stare.

But you have the power to make me so happy I swear the beauty of lights reflected by the water is nothing compared to the sparkle of joy you bring to my eyes.

your fingers are like
matches
setting every piece of skin
they touch
on fire

burning all the bad
words ever said
making me believe
the words your movements
express
beautiful

it is weird to feel something
i have never felt before
i discover nerve endings
i never even thought
existed
but your fingers
find them
beautiful

our bodies
fit perfectly
as if your hands
formed me to fit yours
mashing together as one
beautiful

i feel it at every piece of skin
your hands skimmed
i feel
*beautiful

I wonder if
boys ever realize
how disrespectful
it is
to whistle after
and make kissing noises
at every girl that walks by
as if we're some kind of animal.

I guess in time
I've grown used to
being disrespected
by others
I've started to see it
as something normal.
Nowadays
I'm not only disrespected
by others
but mostly by myself.

All I want to do is run,
run from my own demons
but they seem to know hiding places
in my body
that I didn't even know existed.
They have taken all
of what makes sense
and ruined my way
of thinking clear.

They make me want to run
from my own body
they make me want to crawl
out of my own skin.
My fingers are no longer
the creators of art
the soft touch of friendship.
They have turned into claws
clawing my skin open
to help me escape
my own body.
I know I can not **** what is way deeper than the skin
but I can start somewhere.

I was told that a simple
painkiller
would numb the pain
in my head
sometimes two if
unbearable

but I have taken
eleven already
and I can still hear
the voices telling me
how much of a
failure I am
and it hurts

and I have taken twelve already
and it's all lies
the voices
keep going

thirteen
I can't feel my hands
anymore

fourteen
why didn't anyone help
me when I tried
to scream

fifteen
they were supposed to
numb
the voices
not my
voice

*sixt …

it was early
too early
and something felt odd
and whilst her lips were
awake and thirsty
for more
anything
her mind was still off
elsewhere
and whilst het feet were
up to help out
her lips
her mind was still off
elsewhere
and she wanted to
go back to sleep
and be one with the
city again
just like she was
when they were both still
awake

your smile
made
my lungs
fill with
flowers
and although
they are
beautiful
I can't
seem to
*******
breathe.

In class
I nervously pinch my arm
trying to keep my focus.
At home
I try to act like I don't care
trying to keep my happy face on.
When I'm with friends
I try to take in
the vitamins
of their laughter
trying to laugh along.
When I'm alone
I blast my music
and read books
and write poems
trying not to cry.

I can't start crying,
I know I'll never stop.

the memory of
the blue in her eyes made
drowning in a dark blue
ocean an experience worth
living for

When i think back to the day I met you, my heart explodes.
I am both the happiest person in the world, because I hugged you, and the saddest because it's been so long.
In class, I can't focus because the memory of your smile keeps coming back to me.
In my head, it never gets quiet anymore because my mind keeps replaying the sound of your chuckle, and those words I've been longing to hear.
No hug will ever feel
as warm
and safe
and happy anymore,
because no one's arms fit me like yours.
You are constantly on repeat in my mind;
your laugh, your smile, your words, your arms, your smell...

I miss you so much, my heart cannot take it anymore.
And I cannot help but wonder,
how you can be the worst thing that's ever happened to my heart when you're the best that's ever happened to me.

Am I alive? I guess…
I am breathing to get my brain enough oxygen to function and tell my heart to keep pumping blood through my veins.
So yes I am alive.

The question whether I am living is something else though.
Do I wake up every morning with a smile on my face, excited for what the coming day holds for me?
Do i enjoy my daily routine spent in school, exhausting my brain so I can get a sheet that states I am smart enough for the future?
Do I long to go out with friends, meet new people and discover the world?
Do I take matters in my own hands once in a while to change things up?

I guess I don’t. Does that mean I’m more surviving than I am living?
Living is not a necessity, you see, it just makes being alive a little easier.

Little people understand what it is like to suffer mental issues. They do not realize what it is like to go out with friends and to constanly remind yourself that you can not forget to smile because that might caught suspision.
They wonder why people drink to forget or why they don’t just get help. Or question the ability of people to actually hurt themselves.
I think that’s a good thing, there is no reason to understand this.
Having a constant real smile on your face is a good thing, not having to worry about people thinking you’re not ok because you are.
They can drink for fun because there is nothing they need to forget and they always have someone to turn to. Best of all they don’t understand how someone can be so desperate to feel that they would hurt themselves…

I think that’s brilliant. Without a little ignorance, this world would be a total wreck.
Thank God for ignorance, it’s what keeps the happy alive.

If you ever feel lost,
I will help you find yourself.
Look at me for reassurance.
I will remind you that you are where you should be,
I will remind you that you're on the right way.
I will help you keep the balance
between what is real and what is not.
I will be a light to guide you through the dark.
I will be a hand to remind you that you're not alone.
You are not alone.
We all get lost at times,
that's how we discover new places.

To the woman that once carried me
and still carries on doing so.*

There is a stereotype
of superheroes wearing capes
but I reject that.
Mine wears regular clothing,
sometimes glasses,
and smells like home.

Your presence is all I need when
I feel like I'm crumbling.
Your embrace has a power
of bringing pieces I thought I lost
back together.

You have a power
to believe in me
when even I don't.
You are the hand I feel
squeezing strenght into
my thoughts
through my shoulder.
You are the voice in my head
that tells me to keep on going
when the road gets a little tough.
Your smile makes
everything so much better,
everyone so much happier.

You are wonderful
You are beautiful
You are magical
You are exquisite
You are brilliant
You are enchanting
You are marvelous
You are my mom
and
You are exactly
everything I want to be
when I grow up.

I was
so happy
I felt
brighter
than the sun
but you
couldn't bare
so you put
sunglasses on

People say I'm "in"sane
but if losing myself
in what makes me happy
and drinking exactly 3/4
cup  of coffee
every morning
and only stepping on the white
of zebra-crossings
for luck
and always having
my music volume
up to the maximum
and spending my saturdays
reading
and my nights
rereading
and my mornings pretending
that my life is a musical
and having extra happy days
when birds
replace my alarmclock

if all these things are what make you call me
"in"sane
I would never want you to even consider
calling me "out"sane.

When I was little
I could never decide
what I wanted as a topping
for my pancakes.
Now I have to decide
where I want my life to go,
what college I want to go to,
what I want to save up for,
what I want want to be.
I don't want to have
to make all those decisions,
I just want sugar.

I fell
into an ocean
of bed sheets
desperately trying
to drown myself.

But instead
I met with
your overpowering
smell.

So I held
my breath
and suffocated
instead.

Er is geen enkele reden om kwaad te zijn op jezelf voor wie je bent of wat je doet. Er zijn meerdere oorzaken en gebeurtenissen die je vormden naar de persoon die je nu bent. Geen enkele van die hele lijst bevat jezelf.

I felt the leaves
on my tree
grow stronger
in your light
you should've warned me
that I shouldn't become
dependent of you
you should've warned me
that lights go out.

I can feel the world on my
shoulders and I
struggle to breathe
as much as I want to
I can't seem to get any
oxigen in
I try to think clear
but the rumbling of my
confidence
is making too much sound
is this what
they want from me
to live in fear
to know about my
future
is this
really
what they want?

I don’t write the things I write because they sound beautiful, I write them because I actually feel and think them and this is my way of getting my thoughts out. 
I am so sick of people glorifying selfharm and eating disorders… Honestly this site disgusts me at times, girls thinking they need to be troubled to fit in, that it is cool to stick your fingers in your throat and hug the toilet daily…
no no no

Having your thighs touch does not mean you are fat, it means that your hip structure is wider than others’. 
Having scars does not mean you are mysterious and interesting, it means you have secrets, struggles you wanted to get out but couldn’t. Scars are nothing to be proud of, you may be proud of the fact that they are scars and not wounds anymore, but showing them off is just sick. 
Please believe me that having a bigger size than your friend doesn’t make you fat, it makes you different. Which is good. There is no such thing as ugly or fat, there is only beauty which has a very wide definition. But the bigger part of that definition goes back to one thing; happiness.
stop glorifying troubles and making it seem cool to have them, you are not a freak if you feel happy, for one, you are lucky. Go ahead and feel happy. Let it scare you, smile so wide your cheeks hurt. That’s what it’s all about.

I feel like I am living in a shell.
The words "you don't belong here"
are constantly being echoed back
by my limits.
Things that seem to go natural
with everyone around me
are a lot harder in this shell.
With every inhale of life I take
comes an exhale of desperation to live
and not knowing how to.
It deceived me into thinking
it kept me safe but all this time
it has been what was holding me back.
I see that now
but the words keep echoing in my head
youdontbelonghereyoudontbelonghereyoudontbelonghere

Break­ing out of my shell was never an option
I can not survive without it.
But I do want to leave it
and everyone
and everything
I do want to leave.

The sun kissed my skin
and I felt as if I was going to burst open
and grow flowers from my insides.

ik heb je lief zoals
de zon begint te schijnen wanneer je lippen opkrullen in een glimlach
neen
ik heb je lief zoals
je aanwezigheid de zon doet schijnen
neen neen
ik heb je lief zoals
jij de zonneschijn bent
neen neen neen
ik heb je lief zoals
neen neen neen neen
ik heb je lief

ja
ik heb je lief

I know for a fact that you will never
care as much for me
as I do for you
but know that I cherish
every inside joke we share
like safety
glued to my fingers
I will not let go
I will protect you
no harm will ever be done to you
either if it's words
or judgements
or something scary
I will be there to
assure you
how amazing you are
and how much you are loved.

Do not ever let others bring you down because you are different
you are a beautiful rainbow on a rainy day
putting a smile upon other's faces.
Even on the darkest days
when it seems that the world is against you
know that you, yourself
are the light
that brightens day.

You are amazing
every bit that makes
others wonder
who you are and
how you think is
what makes you you.
I am grateful to be a piece
in what makes you you
and what makes your memories
and hopefully
what will make a whole lot more.

What fascinates me about stars,
is that they are born from explosions
and built from collapsed particles.
I like to think that people are like that as well.
So whenever you feel like everything
is getting a little too much
and you are about to give up and explode,
don't be afraid to collapse.
Let yourself crumble.
This is not your destruction,
it is your birth
it is your time to shine.