Maybe
Some people
Are meant to be alone,
Like me...

For my birthday
You got me
A razor blade
Necklace.

As I stare, deeper and deeper,
Into the abyss, before me,
It all becomes quite clear,
That the abyss was just a mirror.

Staring blindly into myself,
Made me realize how empty I am,
Not to mention how broken,
But that's best left unspoken.

I am empty, and broken,
Like a car on the side of the highway,
Or better yet, a black hole;
I have a body, but lack a soul.

I am an abyss of darkness,
I am empty and useless to all,
I haven't surmounted to much at all,
It's because of you; you made me fall.

What if every time a person yawned,
It was actually the silent scream of a
Demon wishing to be set free?

What if every time someone cried,
It was a demon clawing it's way
Through their brain?

What if every time I went to bed,
I thought of you and how you're
Probably doing these days?

Would you think of me too?
Probably not.
And that's what I've got to accept.

Addicted to the bottles,
Addicted to the pain,
I'm addicted to you
And it's driving me insane.
These ***** are my only friends,
They bring me warmth inside,
I think to myself,
"If I keep drinking, pretty soon I'll die".
The thought of death
Doesn't bother me,
It doesn't frighten me;
Rather, it brings security.
How will I go?
Overindulgence,
Or too many pills,
It wont be long before we know.
These thoughts run through my mind,
While I put on a fake smile,
All the time thinking of death
Or dying in just a short while.
Painkillers numb the pain,
But not for too long,
Pretty soon more pills are in my hand;
I take them to stay strong.
With bottles lined up,
And pills scattered across the floor;
A razor blade to the wrist,
My body propped up against the door.
Our lives aren't long,
Though life is the longest thing we do,
But I can't find the point of living,
If I can't be with you.

She sets herself apart,
Though not with higher respect,
Sometimes she gets up to average,
But settles for the level of regret.
She does not want your sympathy,
She just wants someone to listen,
But she can't find the words to speak to anyone
Even those whose hearts glisten
With a passion to help her.
She is a lost cause,
A case that can't be solved,
She has a negative mindset and intentions that she needs to be resolved
By someone, who understands what it's like to be so alone,
While still among many others whose lights in their hearts have shone for them, She needs that light.
She needs someone who can help her to make sense of it all,
But no words can describe her feelings or why she has them,
But she needs to tell someone what's going on
Before it eats her alive,
Before she explodes,
Before she dies inside.
Nothing in this world can show what it's like,
Living every day without light,
And living life without nights
Because she doesn't  sleep much,
If ever at all,
She seems to be losing touch with the world
As it slowly keeps turning from Spring to Fall.
She closes herself off
And shuts herself down,
She shuts everyone out and let's no one around
To help her,
Though inside she's screaming "SOMEBODY HELP ME",
It's impossible to just let all of it go, and
She can't set herself free.
She is tired of fighting so hard to stay strong,
Now the only strong thing about her is the stream down her face,
Everything in her life was dreadful or going wrong,
And the only thing that could possibly help is God's grace.
Nothing seemed to please her more than the thought of leaving this Earth,
It seemed to be all she talked about;
Her only thought since birth,
Or at least as far back as she could remember,
A thought which seemed like an ember with such high potential to start a spark;
A spark that could become a fire,
Growing farther and higher that could burn down this whole world,
This place we call our home,
Burning the world, however, might do justice to those like her, who feel so alone.

Social media has led to this world
Of anti-social people;
Created this void for seeing others
Face to face - let's just skype or facetime.
It's no wonder so many teens of this
Generation think they are depressed,
They base all self worth on the number
Of likes they get on their selfies.
The number of followers and
Online "friends",
I'm just saying,
This is only the beginning.
Whenever something happens,
Whether good or bad,
Everyone gets out their phones to video
And post to Youtube - it's a new fad.
People text and message each other,
They are dating through social media sites,
Every instance of their relationship is through media,
Half of all break ups occur through text - that aint right.
What happened to the days of playing outside,
And kids going on play dates while their parents bond,
Now the kids I babysit have an iPad, tablet, computer,
And an iPhone which is nicer than mine.
Did I mention they're only 5, 3, and 7,
And they share their electronic toys,
But what happened to going to playgrounds
To play with other girls and boys?
Now they only play online,
Because their friends are all online too,
They're saying, "Hey man, give me a life",
But sadly, this is what their life has become and there's nothing I can do.

The first day that I met you
My heart was pounding in my chest
But it could have been because
I ran there, to the Starbucks
On the Ave
The one you used to work at
But maybe it wasn't because I was
In such a rush
It could have been the coffee
I've heard that can increase your
Heart rate
Or maybe both of these are wrong
You see, I was born with a slight
Arrhythmia
Which messes with the way my heart beats
But maybe it was my hearts way of saying
This one is the one
There's no way of knowing
But ever since that day
I've been smitten;
Scheduling my whole day around
Getting to see you
And I even remember the first time
I rode in your car
Because
You were worried about me
But it became a regular thing
You drove me home on the nights
You worked a close
And each and every time I fell more and more
And you started to feel like home
Because home is not a place
But a feeling in the heart,
And maybe it was my arrhythmia
But I've felt it since the start
And then you up and left
You moved so far away
But you needed to be with your family
I just wish you could've stayed
So I guess I had to visit
Because I was craving you so much
You see, you're like a drug to me,
You're my ******
My crutch
Because I wouldn't make it
Through every day life
Without your voice to hold onto
And our conversations replaying
Over and over
In my painseeking mind
Play it through
Then rewind
Again and again
I reminisce you
And every time we're together it's like
The world stops
And as we lay together
You tell me
"I can hear your heart beating are you okay?"
And maybe you heard
The arrhythmia
Which is why you were concerned
But my heart pounds in my chest
Like the timpani in an orchestra
And every third beat is half the length of the others,
But that's just *the arrhythmia

The shower floor is my temple,
A sanctuary for thought,
After an icy cold shower,
I turn the handle to scalding hot.
I let the steam melt my mascara,
Black lines trickle down my face,
But which side will reach my chin first?
Every day it's a race.
As I sit there, weeping,
On the grimy shower floor,
I ask myself what I'm doing with my life,
And wonder if theres someone I want more.
I think of you at first,
But then I think of them,
I wonder what she'll think;
Though I know she'd rather me chose him.
What other people think
Or do, shouldn't concern me,
It's just so **** hard for me to figure out
Who it is I will chose to please.
I know, I know,
You've been here all along,
But maybe it wasn't you,
Maybe I'm the one that's wrong.
This shower floor has got me thinking,
There are many paths to chose from,
The problem is there are so many,
And I only want the right one.

With every word you speak,
I cut deeper and deeper,
Reaming holes in my veins,
With scissors and tweezers.

The deeper I cut,
The fewer words I hear you speak,
I begin to grow lifeless,
All cut up and weak.

As my blood flows out,
I begin to grin,
Because I can no longer hear you,
I only hear my heart beating from within.

Until,
It stops.

I was at a loss for words,
When I had learned the news.
My best friend called me, crying,
Stuttering that it was her mom that she would lose.

I was confused, dumbfounded,
Until she said the word; cancer.
She was shaking and crying,
But I couldn't give her an answer.

Why was this happening,
To a woman so sweet and caring?
She desided to try out chemo
For her family's sake; she was so daring.

She fought and fought,
For nearly seven months.
Then on the seventh of December,
Her eyes closed and heart stopped all at once.

Dear Valerie,
May she rest in peace.
Lord, let her take it easy,
And all her pain cease.

Bless this family,
In this challenging instance.
Bring them closer together,
With their newly made distance.

Running, eating, sleeping,
She lives a hurried life,
From one moment to the next,
Everything can change.

Sleeping, running, eating,
She rushes from here to there,
On to the next thing
Before the last had finished.

Eating, sleeping, running,
She's always five steps ahead,
Moving quicker than you can guess,
It just doesn't stop.

Running, eating, sleeping,
She lives a hurried life,
She russhes from here to there,
She's always five steps ahead,

Until she stops, dead in her tracks,
Unable to breathe, her heart pulsating
Faster than what is healthy,
And he tells her, "you have asthma".

Your soft brown skin
Touches mine
And sends a shiver
Down my spine,
Inhaling your scent
Triggers me
To flashback into
My memory.

You detach yourself
From the place
You called home and
Fall to the ground with grace.
Oh autumn leaves
And smell of fall
How I've missed you,
I've missed it all.

"When you're at the bottom,
There's nowhere to go but up".
When you've hit you're all time low,
You start to envy those at the top.
You give your least effort,
And strive for average.
You feel weighed down,
And carry so much baggage.
Everything you do
Causes you to be distressed,
You only focus on the negatives
And don't realize that you're blessed.
You crawl through each day,
Trying not to suffer,
But day after day,
It gets tougher and tougher.
Hang in there though,
The good will come to you,
I know it's tough right now,
But try not to be so blue.
Hold on tight,
And hold your head high,
Try not to cry,
Because pretty soon, you'll fly.

I like to see my blood
Flow out of my veins,
Onto the floor.

As the puddle gets larger,
It spreads out,
Flowing from my arm; more and more.

I can't explain
The joy it brings me,
To watch myself in pain.

To show you,
That you have won,
And I have nothing left to gain.

Does it make you feel powerful,
To make others
Feel so weak?

You push us all further down,
In a sad attempt
to reach your own peak!

I can't believe I fell
For your stupid,
Little game.

You'll play it on
Another girl,
And she'll do just the same.

Because you always win,
At the games
That you create.

But in the end,
It's you,
That all the girls will hate.

Because of you, I have grown to love coffee and the
Environment of a coffee shop.
The bonding between regulars as well as customers and their baristas
Had never seemed like it could be
Anything, really. But you have shown me what it means to have family that's
Not related by blood,
Yet, we've created a bond so strong, I don't know how I'll drink coffee without you!

How is it
That with a few simple words,
You tore my heart out of my chest,
Ripped it open as it was still beating,
Used tongs and tweezers to dismember it,
Then threw it back in my face,
Useless, a mess, and broken?

Going to sleep is the scariest thing.
Not because of nightmares
Or sleep walking or whatever else,
But because of the uncertainty.
The uncertainty that a new day will start,
That your life won't be significantly altered,
Or that your loved ones will be the same.

Normal people don't dread sleep though,
But there's just something about cancer
That makes sleep an uneasy task.
Having a mother with cancer will change your entire life.
From dreading the thing you cherished most,
To not knowing how to live your life.

You become used to being woken up for
Middle of the night treks to the ER.
And to think about becoming used to that
Well, that's enough to make you sick.
But you have no choice but to trudge through,
You have to seem strong and stable,
But going to sleep is the scariest thing.

There will never be enough chemistry
Between the two hearts that lie on top of one another
Beating fast, breathing faster.
Eyes closed in the dark.
We were searching for something deep
Something beautiful or complicated
I was searching for a spark.
I wanted the feeling of feeling again
That’s why I lay here naked
Intertwined with you in the sheets,
Fan on, lights off,
Listening to our hearts beat.
But it’s morning now
My bed is empty and your side is made up.
I can’t remember if you were even here
Or if it was all just a dream
A dream of ***, no passion,
And not enough chemistry.

Everytime a blade enters my bloodstream,
I feel closer to you.
Not because of anything else, more than the fact that
You hurt me.
The cold blade, like your cold words, cuts into me;
Blood pouring out.
And in the same way as before, I bleed and ache;
I am hurt.
My blood, warm as my love was for you,
And you don't care.
I can only imagine our happiness now,
I can no longer feel it.
Same too with my image of you, it is going, fading
Behind my cloudy eyes.
Its okay though dear, because I am now weak,
I am cold like your heart.
And no matter what you said or will say,
You can't tear us apart.
Because I will always love you.

C-alling your parents because you have no
O-ne to talk to or hang out with.
L-osing touch with everyone and
L-eaving all your old friends.
E-ventually realizing that it's not all you made it out to be.
G-reat, compared to high school, but
E-very day you come "home" to an empty dorm. Alone.

The real world is a bitter cold place
With a heart made of stone
Not built for those of us just stepping into it
Blindly.

There isn't time to breathe,
All you do is work, and stress, occasionally taking a moment;
Simply a single instant of your time,
To blink.

Well, there is a difference, my friend, in know the societal norms,
And being shoved head-first into the whirlpool of life,
Only to get ****** into the hell of our
Society.

That feeling is full of terror, fright, and tears.
So I must take the occasional instant of my time,
To blink away the tears,
And continue on.

We slip and get back up, yes,
But the bridge between childhood and adult hood does not exist,
It's the leap of faith that forces you to grow up in an instant,
Face the fear of falling millions of miles to your death, and go for it anyway,
And fly.

Kiss me softly
As I drift asleep.
Play with my hair
As I start to count sheep.
One. Two. Three. Four. Fi-
Kiss me sweetly
As you watch me drift away.
Let us rest together
All night, until day.
Kiss me gently
I want to wake in your scent.
A night like that
Is a night well spent.
-ve. Six. Seven. Eight. Nine.
Kiss me strongly
Pull me in, close to you.
We'll get each other's name
As a rib cage tattoo.
Ten. Eleven. Twelve. Thir-
Lay with me every night
As I fall asleep.
And help me to
Keep counting those sheep.

Good night kisses,
Watching a movie,
Wrapped in a blanket,
Two straws in a smoothie,
Four legs intertwined,
Two glasses of wine,
Her head on your shoulder,
She's just a year older,
Holding her close,
You cuddle all night,
Keeping her warm,
Holding her tight.

Wake her up with a kiss,
On the forehead and lips,
Look into her eyes
And thank God she's your prize,
Treat her like royalty,
As if she were a queen,
Open her doors
And buy her nice things.

But more importantly
Than any of that,
Love her unconditionally
And she will love back.

I'm growing up,
So daddy, let me go,
I'm not sure when,
But yes, I'll come home.

I must move on;
Explore the world on my own,
I'm not sure when,
But yes, I'll come home.

Don't try to hold me back,
Because I need to do this on my own,
I'll always need you,
But this, I need to do alone.

I'll miss you too,
But it won't be long before I'm home,
So daddy, don't cry,
I'll miss you while I'm gone.

Dry up your tears now,
There's no need to cry,
I'm just growing up,
I'm not going to die.

I'll be back before you know it,
I'll wrap my arms around you,
You'll pretend you didn't miss me,
The way you always do.

But daddy, I must go now,
I have places I need to be,
So stay strong as I promise you this,
This won't be the last time you see me.

People always say,
"I'm sorry for your loss",
And, "They're in a better place now".
But really, a person that
You were close to is gone,
Not just temporarily, no,
They are dead.
Deceased, dead, passed away,
Kicked the bucket,
Death, gone, angelic,
In heaven, with the Lord,
However you want to put it,
They are gone, and they aren't coming back.
They may have died of natural causes,
Or maybe had a heart attack,
Maybe they had a rare condition,
Or maybe their heart was full of plaque.
Maybe they were killed
By someone with a heart of stone,
Or maybe they died during ***,
Their last breath-- a strong moan.
They could have died in surgery,
On top of the operating table,
Or possibly they killed them self,
Stabbing, pills, or hanging with a cable.
Whatever the cause of death may be,
That person is no longer here,
People die all the time,
Everyone we know will soon disappear.

Sitting in the cold doctors office,
She awaits test results,
While sitting in nothing but a cheap gown,
With one tie in the back.
She sits on top of the examination table,
Feeling her legs cover with goosebumps,
And her heart thumping in her chest.
She clenches her fists and releases
To let out some anxiety that she has
About what this means for her future.
She shivers as a chill rushes down her spine,
The small hairs on her arms, back and neck stand up,
She slouches as if she is folding into herself,
When a light knock at the door
Straightens her spine to the fullest,
And the doctor walks in...

My lungs are burning
And I start to sweat,
Not being able to breathe
Is my biggest threat.
My lungs fill with water,
And my breath gets shallow,
My chest is pounding,
But my heart is hollow.
My pulse is slowing,
And my stress is on the rise,
The pressure inside me is increasing,
As tears gather in my eyes.
My throat starts to shrink,
And my airway begins to close,
I begin to fall unconcious,
And blood drips from my nose.

I fell for your trap,
It must've been clear to see,
That I wasn't anything to you,
But you were my ecstasy.
I got high in your presence,
And came down in your absence,
To me when we were together,
We were like a mixer and absinthe.
Little did I know,
You were the sin in absinthe,
And my love for you left me feeling
Blinded in a labyrinth.
You were always so perfect,
You were my ecstasy,
But I was your nothing;
You just wanted your ex to see.
You see, that's the difference,
In the two types of people;
There's those of us full of love,
And those, like you, full of evil.

There's one thing more painful than a broken heart,
And that's loving someone who'll never love you back.
Sure they can love who you are and love you as a friend,
But they'll never love you in the intimate way you love them.

If you're going through heartbreak,
You may think I'm full of ****,
But I've been heartbroken before,
And loving without love in return is worse than it.

Heartbreaks are horrible and scary and rough,
But loving the unloving is so much more tough.

I can't really explain just how I feel,
But the love I'm in is just too real,
If only you knew, maybe I'd have a chance,
Or maybe just maybe, I'm the only one entranced.

I've loved you forever,
Or as long as I've know you,
But I've kept it a secret
And I plan to continue to...

You will never be successful,
     Face it.
Failure is in your destiny,
     Always has been,
          Always will.

The salt in my tears
Stings my open cuts,
As every tear falls,
I get pains in my gut.

These wounds don't heal,
Because I keep cutting deeper,
I would see a therapist,
But this is much cheaper.

The pain in my eyes,
Should explain it all,
Sometimes we fall in love,
Other times we just fall.

She has potential,
Greater than any mountain
And for her, obstacles are nothing,
Every goal is attainable.

So young and so strong,
So brave and talented,
An outstanding young woman,
Who loves to be challenged.

She'll amount to the most,
And she'll go far in life,
She'll defeat her biggest wars,
And even her smallest strife.

I can't say where she'll end up,
Or what it is she'll be doing,
But I hope its something grand
That she is pursuing.

A dear friend of mine,
She will always be,
I will always love her,
Unconditionally.

She's one of a kind,
Unique to us all,
With a body so slender,
And the opposite of tall.

She's a petite little girl,
With a big personality,
Always being creative,
And has a lot of originality.

A dancer, and talented,
In many other ways,
She withholds potential,
And will for the rest of her days.

If I drank once for every instant I thought about you,
I'd be a drunken fool, living in a permanently drunken world.
If I raised my cup every time I thought about you,
My glass would be so high, and never come down.

If I took a hit for every memory of you flowing through my brain,
I'd be so high, I couldn't breathe from all the smoke.
If I rolled a blunt for every memory of you on my mind,
My fingers would be sore, never getting a chance to heal.

Little would you know that those drinks have been drunk,
My glass is always raised, and on the same days,
My lungs get smoked out, with a high that lasts forever;
And those blunts have been rolled and still are being rolled.

But don't worry, maybe one day I'll stop; but probably never.
I can't stop thinking of that moment, when you made that promise,
The one about you and me, and "forever".

My heart is beating fast.
I feel like I can't breathe.
Stop. No.
This anxiety is killing me.
It feels like a heart attack.
I feel like I can't breathe.
Stop.
I want to cry; I want to scream.
My heart hurts.
I'm so mad.
I hate you, but I love you.
I don't know what to feel.
But can a broken heart, break again?

Poetry is the voice
Of the hearts too damaged
To speak the language
Of a people who are not healed
Or healing, but of those
Who were never tattered to begin with.
It is the opportunity
To convey a message
In the only way known,
By those of us who have
Lost touch with the world
And everyone inside it.
We are not yet healing, or healed,
But in the depths of our wounds,
Some of us more injured than others
Yet all in the same swirling
Bottemless pit of depression
And aching.
Depression- such a powerful word,
Though never drawing attention to oneself
WE are in this abyss
Of nothingness and lonliness
Swirling around each other,
Bumping into each other,  but never leaving.

You were a giver,
You gave me everything,
Thats why the worst day,
Was when you grew your angel-wings.
You went up to heaven,
And looked down from up above,
You kept on giving,
You gave me all your love.
I make it through day by day,
Because your love absorbs the pain
And knowing that you're watching,
Is all that keeps me sane.
Though you barely knew me,
Or maybe you just don't remember,
You're my guardian angel,
A special gift that I treasure.
You lie within my heart,
Your spirit in my dreams,
When I'm asleep I feel close to you again,
Closer each night, it seems.
Rest in peace and take it easy,
You are loved and deeply missed,
What I would do for more time with you,
Has me sad and kind of ******.
A blessing to many,
A spirit that must live on,
You were one of the greatest I've know,
Nana, I can't believe you're gone.

I cant wait to be gone,
So I never have to see you again.
I can remove you from my life,
And delete you from my brain.

Your existence ****** me off,
Because you've made me suffer for years,
And meanwhile, you've moved on
And never once shed a tear.

How could you be so selfish and rude,
So self absorbed to not give a ****.
Hurting people that you love,
The very people that love you.

I cant wait to be gone,
So I never have to see you again.

How many heart strings have to break
Before you die of a broken heart?
How many shards of glass must enter my skin
Before im completely torn apart?
How many times can someone be beaten and battered
Before they become broken for good?
How many hearts in the world feel numb
From the ice growing around them?
But is the ice on your heart
There to heal it from pain
Or is it there
Because you no longer care?
Play the blues on my
Heart strings
So that I can feel the rhythm
As I sing.

I don't know if you're there,
I don't know if you're there at all,
But I feel like you do
In those moments right before you fall.
The ground crumbles beneathe you,
Your stomach drops to your knees,
Your entire world is falling apart,
You're screaming for help, somebody please!
No one comes to the scene,
No one rushes to your side,
In these moments before you fall,
You're left alone to die.

Here's to the teenagers that congregate in sketchy places,
Tell their parents they are "at a friend's",
Get wasted on cheap liquor that they probably got from a homeless man,
And get high on every drug in their disposal.
Here's to the rebels that need to break free from rules,
That need an escape from reality,
Or that just want to forget some things,
Maybe not even forever, but for right now.
Here's to the generation of thots, sloots, and ******,
Those who think they're looking for a good time,
Or the ones who have yet to experience this,
Lying so much - you live two lives.
Here's to the youth of now,
Whether you're 16 or 20,
You probably are in this rebellious phase,
Or you will be soon.
Here's to you.

If I had one wish,
Would I be with you,
Or would I have left you,
Would I hold you close,
Or would I push you away,
Would I pick you up,
Or would I be the one who knocked you down?
If I just had one wish,
Would I love you,
Or would I despise you,
Would I be honest,
Or would I lie to you,
Would I be with you,
Or would I be anywhere else?
If I had one wish,
I would still be lost,
Not because thats what I want,
But because thats where I am;
I am lost without you and lost with you.

If you knew that I stayed up late
Every night, thinking about you,
Thinking about us
Would that change anything?

If you knew that I have changed,
In more ways than one,
To try to hold onto you,
Would that matter to you?

If you knew that every night,
I hold a knife to my wrist,
Thinking about what we could have been,
Would that make you feel anything?

If you knew that I spend
Hours crying over you,
And everything we were,
Would you care, then?

Doesn't matter.

If you knew how many nights
I spent, drinking away my sorrows;
Blues that you caused,
Would you start to give a ****?

If you knew the things I've done,
The people I've been with,
The places I'd been,
If you knew, would anything change?

When
        All
My memories
        Of you
Are gone,
        That
Is when
        I
        Will
        Move on.