Whenever you get close
My eyes water,
My throat closes up,
My thoughts jumble,
I can barely think straight.
My sentences pour out like spoiled milk.
I bet you think I'm an idiot
But I really hope not.

I woke up
In your bed
And you were not there

I can smell
The stale beer
In my hair

The last thing
You said was
"May I kiss you" And,
I must have let you
Because I can still
Feel it's presence
The sweet, soft embrace
Of your delicate lips

I wrote you a letter
to tell you I still love you.
You never replied.
And I am sitting at home
crying on the floor of my room.
Because the floor is cold
and it feels good on my skin.
I was stupid to think
that after all this time
I would still be on your mind.
Please baby, just talk to me
and tell me I'm not crazy
for thinking you liked me
at all

Last nights tragedies
Weigh on cigarettes

You are the moon and I am the ocean
You have this powerful magnetism that moves me
I am consumed by you
But you are too far away to notice how beautiful we can be
Together

What if time
Isn't restrained by
The seconds, minutes, and hours
We give it.

I like to pretend that time does not exist
No preset limitations
Created by some "mastermind"
Who invented the concept of keeping track of time.

Time, you have always been my enemy
Stealing away precious moments
And wasting it
And for what?
A drawn out lesson that I sleep through anyway

Time, you have always been my enemy
Wake up- 5:30 am every morning
Slowly I lug myself out of bed
As I try to figure out why I must get up so early in the day
When I am perfectly awake at 11pm
After all of the "important" learning is over

Time, you are rather sly
A quick slight of hand
And I have lost 3 hours of my life

Simply sitting here
Staring at the blank white walls
Of this room
As I try hard to fight sleep
With endless cups of coffee

Time has always been that one
Undefeated enemy who keeps coming back
Always up for a fight
And I am ready to lose again

What if minutes didn't exist?
I guess life would be a little chaotic
But I would never be late
I could take all the time
I wanted
Days would pass
But that wouldn't matter
Because days wouldn't exist
If we never let it.

I want to hold you
and lay in your bed
and pick eyelashes off your cheek
and kiss your forehead when you fall asleep
I want to talk until 2 am
about the universe
and movies that moved us to tears
I want to walk with you in the cold
and wrap my arms around you
and look at the christmas lights
I want to run inside
and jump under the covers
and fight over who has to make the tea

Have you ever starved yourself to the point of sickness?
Empty and hallow and still trying to give pieces of yourself that don’t exist
You take another pill, tell another lie, say to yourself, your family and friends you are fine
Eat just enough to get by
Hope they don’t notice the gaps getting larger between your meals and your thighs
You take sleeping pills because sleep has become harder and harder to reach
The pit in your stomach screams loudly
Warning you that it’s empty
Reluctantly you go and swallow your pride
And hope that will last you through the evening

You are a virus
There is no cure
The only way to get rid of you
Is with lots of rest and patience.

Two morons ago
I was dead
But now I'm here
In this musky bar
Waiting on something
Waiting for something
To happen
Two days ago
I was alive
I was living
I was in the city
I was happy
But now
I'm struggling
I am dead
Inside and out
I'm here
In this musky bar
Drinking my sins away

Whiskey has become my new obsession
I drown and drown in its meaningless stinging
I am lost but always found
Drowning somewhere beneath the ground

The whiskey burns within me
It is coursing through my blood
My heart is beating one last time
Before I crash to the ground

Whiskey has become my best worst enemy
Its always ready for my cries
The bottle fits my hands so nicely
I cant resist its alluring smile
Such tragedy
That this bottle of whiskey
Became my best friend

Last night was full of hope and desire
But then I started to cry
Because even the greatest things have flaws
And guess what? You are mine.

I am a ghost
I float through life
Wondering what my purpose is
Wondering how to feel passionate again
Everyday is a rerun of the one before
I have lost my way
It feels like I am running with weights on my shoulders
And the road has no end

I imagine the little things
Like you and I making breakfast together for the first time
And us sitting in a coffee shops enjoying each other company in silence
Me, writing you love letters and slipping them into your coat pockets
You, making us tea

I dream of the first time we kiss
And how I will grab you at the waist and pull you in close

I think of the first time we'll fight
And how it will keep me up all night wondering if I did something wrong
And you telling me everything is alright

He made me feel like I was his
He made me feel owned
He made me feel like I was only there to please him
I was only his trophy wife
He made me look at myself through a fun house mirror
I tried to purge the words he would whisper to me
I tried to burn off the fingerprints he left on my skin

He made me angry
He made me an angry and irritable version of myself
He made me violent towards myself

And it was my fault
It was my fault when he was jealous
It was my fault for not being strong enough
It was my fault for feeling like I had to keep secrets
From the same man who made me violent towards myself
From the same man who hates me when I don't act like his girlfriend
The same man who said "I can change", "I can change", "I can change"

It took three tries push him out the door
It took five tries to burn off his fingerprints
It's been 5 months and I'm still trying to **** out the poison he left me with

And in that vacant lot
There is a beckoning bright light
That drenches and weighs
On everyone's shoulders.
Then everything was shattered
From a Siren screaming, lonely,
Looking for someone
And the sky cried for a new life,
A new beginning

While everyone hides
The Siren sings at night
Hoping to catch a lover or two
But hope has not yet reached her
And her head sinks

Now the Siren weeps
And waits for a kind soul
Who will comfort her eternally
Because she knows
Deep down
She is not alone.

I am alone.

My thoughts come like lightning, without the storm.
They don't want to belong to this earth anymore.
But my body is frozen in fear
And I am burdened by obligations to stay strong.

I feel like I have no home.
I am just particles floating through the air
Trying to figure out where I belong.

Last night I fell asleep with an empty stomach and hallow eyes
Wishing to live in a different body
Only got 5 hours of sleep
It's strange how the season's effect me so much
Days spent inside this old house are always longer in the winter

I woke up with goosebumps and nicotine eyes
Deciding if waking up today was really worth it
Knowing it would be spent with lonely thoughts and a longing for you to call
But you never do

You are my nicotine, I inhale your words as if I need them to breathe
I should try to quit  
What we are doing to each other, its toxic
And what's so sad is when you finally reply
All I can remember is the high
I swear, loving you will give me cancer

I lost something special
It was my own fault
I didn't have my eyes open wide enough
I didn't look up
If I did I would've seen all the beauty
All of the promise

Every day
I regret every day that I stared at the ground
Just letting life pass me by
Letting people slip away
As if they were the leaves in autumn
I let them fall and disappear into the winter weather

All of the leaves
Change color in the Fall
There is so much individuality
Spread across the tree tops
But you are a flower
Slowly beginning to hide
And shelter yourself from the light
Winter will come
And your heart will grow cold
Stiff, numb, and wilted
One lonely lost soul.

The birds will fly
Towards a brighter, warm sky
Always chasing the sun
Never wanting to be stuck
In the dark place again

You are the sun
A devious God
Perceived as a wonderful
Beautiful sinless form
But you cause the shadows
You cause the dark

I am the moon
A hopeless light
Reaching out for a lost soul
Wandering around
Helpless and confused
The soul wept alone
Quietly and emptied her last breath.

You are beautiful
I see it in the way your crooked teeth show when you smile big enough to make me choke
I feel it in the soft cracks in your voice when you are nervous

You are beautiful
In the way that your body shakes with all the energy bursting through your fingertips like life isn’t always moving at your pace
In the way that your brows furrow when you are focused

You are beautiful
Like the golden red and orange sunset reflecting on the ocean and big puffy clouds tinted pink
Like handpicked bouquets you gave to your mother when you were 7

I love the way your toes curl and your hands shake when you’re anxious
I love brushing my fingers across the soft expanse of your skin, every freckle and scar, the stretch marks that grew with every inch that you did

You are beautiful
I am so lucky to live a life with you in it

Sitting there
I realized
I will never
Be the reason you wake up
In the morning

I will not
Be your muse

Nor will I
Be the reason why
This is your favorite coffee shop

All because
Your heart was already locked
I spent days, months, years
Trying to find the key
But she beat me
All I want to do
Is take what is rightfully mine
The love that could have been
Should have been
Would have been

If only
She hadn't come around
With her innocent smile
And naive eyes
Glaring
Staring me down
Like a hawk

What did she do to deserve you?
Is she a Goddess?
A Queen?
A Siren who sang to you
And lured you in so deep
You drowned?

My heart
Was stolen in the midst of
All of this chaos
But I know it is safe
Lying deep
Within the darkness

Is it wrong
If all I want
For me is you?

You are the reason I wake up
Every morning
You are my muse
And you make this coffee shop
Feel like home.

I am always too terrified to look into your eyes
I believe I might get lost in those gorgeous pools of greens and blues
I also believe that if you look back into mine
You will figure out all my secrets
Like how much I care about you

Do you think we will be
Astronauts
One day?
And will that
Separate our hearts
Galaxies apart
Or will we be strong
And hold onto each other
As I wait for the stars
To lighten up your eyes
Because your eyes
Always brighten up mine

Do you think
One day
We could
Sail across the sea
On a hand-stitched ship
In a wild storm?
In my dreams
We are floating
Above the sea
Without parachutes
Why can't we float
Without parachutes
Right now?

i feel like my body and brain have stopped talking
i find myself running aimlessly through life
with no goals and no purpose
its as if my ambition is on vacation and the only thing i know how to do is survive
where did my passion go
did it leave when i stopped letting love in