“Okay you can stop now
I’m uncomfortable”

It’s like my scream couldn’t even be heard underwater
And even if they could no one would hear them
My body was stuck and
I felt like I was just withdrawing from life

My bones ache and remorse from the bruising
My heart breaks and hurts from the lashings

“You didn’t STOP
Why didn’t you just STOP.
That’s all you had to do and I’d be okay”

I am nothing more than a ******* shell now and that’s all I’ll ever be
all because of you

I constantly feel alone with any man who tries to love me
I’ll constantly be accused and feel like every last thing will always be my fault

My soul will always be tainted and brittle

You did this

Because you couldn’t stop.

Hi,
I want to steal three things from you.
Your soul
Your Heart,
and your last name.

I sit for hours contemplating what it is to feel loved
did I ever truly experience this?
I don't mean loved by family,
I'm italian of course I feel love from them

But what about that one boy I dated?
Did he ever even love me...
Or did he just pitty me..

It's something bitter you give me
It's like this toxic..
aching.
I've felt this before,
but I felt it when I first felt heartbreak.

I sat in the kitchen floor and traced it's outline
every touch felt like a wrong-doing
every glance felt like a stab wound.

He loves me and he keeps me strong.
He's just trying to toughen me up
He wants me to be bold.
He wants me to kiss him and
do strange things that i'm not okay with
He wants me to dye my hair and wear pearls.

He loves me.

He did on accident. I promise.
He won't do it again.
I have faith in him.
I have faith in us.
He put's the I in pain but
he puts the pain in me.
In my eye, in my heart
on my *******

and in my mind

but he loves me. and
we're okay

Dear brain,
I'm so sorry I over think.
I am sorry I abuse you from time to time.
I am sorry I give you the power to control me.
I am apologetic for all the mornings you don't want to be.
Im sorry for the times you hurt but is it me doing this to you, or you to me?
I'm sorry you don't get along with my heart.
Dear Heart,
I'm sorry I allowed you to get hurt.
I'm so so sorry he hurt you and I gave you to him.
I gave you away like nothing, when you are literally my everything.
I'm sorry.
I tried to fight for you.
I tried to keep you as safe as I could.
Now that I've got you back I'll never let you go again.
Dear body,
I'm sorry you've been through hell.
I am sorry you've been hurt, and had scars lacing you.
I am sorry.
I just want you to forgive me.

Did you ever really heal from what he did to you?

I saw the way thine eyes told of misfortune
the bitter stories they told were of cold aching pains
like the winters eve taking in a cold embracing
Of not do lips tell a sweet truth

they only ever give a taste of a lie
but thine eyes, thine eyes
they told me you were hurting and needed a friend
they whispered to me that you had a soul you couldn't mend

you shone fairest outside but inside
you were dying,decreasing in abundance
I saw thine inside but outside you were smiling
its a puzzle how quietly a heart may break
when it feels like being impaled with a stake
when you love something this is true, never love someone, without loving you.

I hate how you did me.
I'm now more content with being broken
but what you did to me is pretty ****** up.
You made me believe I was special and just when
I had finally gotten built up..
You found it your guilty pleasure to break me down.
I'm okay.
I keep telling myself I'm okay.
I'm okay.

I'm not okay.
And you know what *****?
Now I am going to be how you were.
I'm going to be closed off from being broken and
I'm not going to let anyone love me.
I'm going to fuss and fight against the love I want to feel.
I'm not going to treat myself right and you're the one who did the damage.
How is that right?

It was dark
I was empty
I was lonely
I found him
My follower
"You're a sociopath and i find that beautiful."
He smiled
"I don't really like you all that much." He whispered.
I left into the cold emptiness
I was awoken by hell's hand placed over my mouth
I let out a cry of desperation
and I felt a knife pierce my back
"I'm only following you."
I slowly let out breaths
"Isn't it normal to follow someone, fall in love, lead them on, and leave them?"
My last words weren't there.
I was speechless by the harsh reality.

Darling, he doesn't care about you
You're a fulltime fill-in until he finds someone better
And oh, when he breaks your heart?

I'll be front row.
Popcorn.
Ambiance.

Why would I ever consider consoling you?
You're trash.
G a r b a g e .
You look at me like you expect someone to care about your life.

Or does it bother you that I ignore your existence?
Does it make you sick? The worse you feel, the better I do.

Does that make me sound like a villain? Oh well. Every villain has some ****** depressing back-story.

I don't plan on informing you of mine. Just know, I've seen things you wouldn't last a day seeing.
I've ripped out my own heart to sew it back together.

**** with me.

I can barely keep my eyes open
Yet, I can't sleep.
I'm wondering if I'm drowning in the ocean of thoughts in my mind or if I'm simply just too useless
To do one of the simplest tasks life gives.
I cant help but think.. And think.. And think.
Most of the idiotic things burrowing themselves in my mind are out of my control.
Things I cant change , and maybe I don't want to.
I don't want to change the memories of me and you, just like I don't want you to move on.
That means you're happy and im not.
That means I'm still left to ache while you never thought to even care.
You cried that night when you ended it.
But only because I was crying.
I was still positive about hearing that you had stopped loving me and you just couldn't find yourself to love me back.
..
You just couldn't find yourself to love me back.

You couldn't love me back

But did I ever love you

Or was it lust?

And ill tell you something. Life is not faith,trust, and pixie dust.

Life is tears, broken pieces , and someone trying to put those pieces back together.

You can't put together a broken heart when someone still holds that One. Last. Piece.

We are here again
We are trapped inside
We are aching
We are broken
We are trying to consume you
For you are trying to sleep but we don't care
You're a pawn in our game.
Tonight we pray on you but tomorrow it'll just be another poor soul.

O
K
A
Y
I get I am not perfect
I'm not nor was I ever your love
I'm am another story in your ******* book
*******.
I'm sorry I'm a bitter excuse for excellence
And you're a bitter excuse for someone who can feel.
*******.
******* for the way you broke me
******* for the way you shattered me
******* for the endless pain my mind conveys
At night when I'm all alone
******* for making my mind crash
Now everything is black in my world that was grey.

You're going to meet your first, your January.
He'll end it coldly, with no emotion.
You two had sparks. You thought everything was okay... It wasn't.
Then,you'll find February. He's similar to January, except he actually loves you. He gives you so much time. A little too much time. He starts to drown you in his words and in his thoughts. You barely get your own time. You eventually ended things with him, and found yourself march.
March wasn't anything special to you. He was just a filler. You still missed January.
Then you found April. He took you on many dates and tried to woo you. He found someone better. Like January did.. Like you were trying to do.
May. God was May attractive. He was a bitter idiot though. He was one of those people who tried to be smart but just failed. If he didn't talk you two could've lasted.
The flowers were in your hair, and June loved that about you. June wasn't an ordinary person. He loved doing wacky things to make you smile. June wasn't January. June asked you why you were still hung up on a guy who never even wanted you in the first place. June left you for a better being, but he was right.
Well, July was a ******* okay. He told you that you looked fat. A. Lot. He hit you. But that was July.
August saw July hurt you. Now August holds you and keeps you happy. He lifted his arm one night, and you flinched. August cried. August began to treat you like an unhealable wound and it wasn't working for you two.
September was passionate. He was a reader, you loved that. On your birthday, He baked you a cake and showed you what it was like not to hurt. Along the road to making you happy, September found himself in writing... He never had any time to be with you and you couldn't stand it.
Somewhere along the line, you met October. He was grand. He was always being spontaneous. Like when he surprised you and left you.
   Oh Boy, then November.. you don't know how you and him got together. You didn't want to be mean though. You tried it. He eventually made you very sick. Like, he tried to poison you with pineapples. Ahhh, Love.
Finally, you found your perfect december. He kissed those wounds that had been made & took you into his arms. you two danced to a coldplay song and that's when he asked you.. He asked you to be his as long as you could.
Most importantly.
He asked you to forget about January.
"The only way this could ever end is if you didn't forget about him."
I still think of the one love that broke me the most.
A skin of blue and black, that had been beaten and battered had finally found their 01, and only.

I don't know if there's something inside of me,
besides these bitterly sober words.
I'm falling faint, or am i just falling?
S H I T.
I have a lot of aspirations.
So much I need to do.
I need to be alive.
I need to breathe.
I need to feel normal.
I need...
A beginning to this ending feeling.

My devices that poured themselves onto the strings to make the melodies
ache.
They said sorry to all the damage they've caused.
The spend hours turning the pages of Books upon books.
They receive kiss after kiss and break after break.
They touch lies and make sense of them
But I'm still hurting
Still aching
Still breaking

As you wake up looking into the careless curls in her head,
Do you see me?
When you look in to her eyes,
Do you think of me?
When you laugh at her jokes spewing like venom,
Do you remember mine?
When you say your vows,
Will you remember me?
Was I nothing or everything to you?
The panic reseeds in my heart when I ask myself these questions,
But you wont care.
I wont cross your mind.
I wont matter.
I hope the other women make you happy as you move far away from any thought of me.

You never even kissed me,
But you ****** me.
****** me over.
Now I'm pregnant with the idea of a love that didn't matter and didn't exist.
Thanks for tearing my heart out and killing any ability of feeling love I had.

Don't mind me
I'll just be licking my lips
Being your translucent temptation
You wont see my attempts because baby, they aren't there for your eyes.
I know you like the view from the back,
But how about you learn to see things more clearly?
Open those eyes.
You liked to play games,
But I'm competitive.
You can see but you can't touch?
Childs play.
You can sense, but you can't see/feel/touch.
Maybe,
Just maybe in a blink of an eye you can taste...
But I'm gone.

He's so content with his fluorescent heart,
while im over here falling part.
he's lived in a world of
you want means you need.
While my world has been full of
you need means you want.
I'm at a very bitter road here,
i am not accustomed to the cold
accreditation of a naive hand.

His eyes,a colder mint blue than you could imagine.
Her hair a darker colour than her soul.
When they collide,
sparks fly,
and they discontinue existence.
She shines when he stares,
He floats the way she falls.
They are so backwards but they're going in the right direction.

I love how the human is literally a machine.

Eyes don't cause the tears that spill from your eyes at 2 a.m.,
Lips don't speak for you,you give them the power to move,
Tongues don't take in the gourmet delicacies
Noses don't reign the scent of bravery,
Fingers don't vitalize their abilities,
Ears don't let you take in bitter words.

You'r mind powers all of this.
Your mind is the brush painting the scenery before you,
it's the sounds of silence or a running river yelling at it's freedom,
your precious mind guides you as a lead in a ballroom dance..
It's power is so grand and when you think you want to give up,
it even kicks you in the bottom and tells you to keep going.
Your mind is a canvas,with so many layers for you to tell you story on.

Tiny hands barely able to hold a bottle,
now drink out of one,containing toxins.
Tiny ears that used to hear bad words and coo,
now spit them like wildfire.
Tiny mouths that would be forced to take icky medicine,
now pop pills and insert drugs into their being.
Tiny eyes looking at life as a breeze,no cares in the world,now turn into
eyes that crave attention but don’t care what we have to do to get it

We are spoiling the pure bodies we once had.
People are sleeping around,
when I remember the worst thing you could do is hand-hold.
We take the things we had as kids,
and ruin them.
We honestly take the cuteness and turn it into ...
well that's for you to decide.
You pick if your morals are guided with a compass,
or thrown away like garbage.
Who am i to judge?
But I've also learned,these days,My darling..
This is adolescence.

I am a cold winter breeze,
and a sharp pulsating heat at the same time.
I can make the tips of your toes applaud your existence,
Or make the ducts of your eyes wish
that they had never been placed upon your body.
I'm tired.
Tired of fading into the sheets you made me cry into.
So now i'm not going to sit around and be another
broken,shattered species.
I'm just going to be a fierce ocean.

I'm so tired of the judgment
Of the constant expectations
Of the people that claim to love me
So much treating me like I am
Nothing.
Like I'm a dark hole with a short lasting existence.
Well if I am a dark hole,I last forever and
There's no changing me.
Stop trying because I can be the rarest
Form of black hole.
I can destroy everything in my wake
And feel no remorse.

How?
How can these couples that have been together for years
separate and feel comfortable with themselves?
How do you fall in love all for nothing?
How do you feel something so slow and beautiful for
someone just for it all to be thrown away.
How do you fall in love in this day and age?
How do you trust anyone with your heart anymore?

I never knew myself as
the kind to dwell on simple things;
Like alphabet soup.
I look at the strange bland liquid,
surrounding the spongy flotation devices.
They move around just as leaves do
in a gusty gale.
I see what they spell out,
The slowly evaporating words.
I spell out the aching bellows
of what is to become my life.
Simplicity in it's finest.