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Sarah Nielle Dec 2018
“Okay you can stop now
I’m uncomfortable”

It’s like my scream couldn’t even be heard underwater
And even if they could no one would hear them
My body was stuck and
I felt like I was just withdrawing from life

My bones ache and remorse from the bruising
My heart breaks and hurts from the lashings

“You didn’t STOP
Why didn’t you just STOP.
That’s all you had to do and I’d be okay”

I am nothing more than a ******* shell now and that’s all I’ll ever be
all because of you

I constantly feel alone with any man who tries to love me
I’ll constantly be accused and feel like every last thing will always be my fault

My soul will always be tainted and brittle

You did this

Because you couldn’t stop.
  Sep 2016 Sarah Nielle
ekelhaft
I'll say it time and time again,

I love you.
Iloveyo
Ilovey
Ilove
Ilov
Ilo
Il
­I;

Until I become alone and dead again.

I;
In
Ine
Inee
Ineed
Ineedy
In­eedyo
I need you.

Your presence gives me desperation.

I love you.
Iloveyo
Ilovey
Ilove
Ilov
Ilo
Il
­I;

Even though I know you don't think of me;
I know that "I love you" for you would be;

I;
Id
Ido
Idon
Idont
Idontn
Idontne
­Idontnee
Idontneed
Idontneedy
Idontneedyo
*I don't need you.
It comes back stronger than before
  Sep 2016 Sarah Nielle
Deeee
My heart has taken a leave of absence.
meaningless ***
empty conversations
cold days
This is who I have become,
because my heart has taken a leave of absence.
She told me when she was leaving,
that all she wanted was a break from the breaking.
She told me in a whisper,
that she was losing herself.
She wrote to me,
on a tear-stained sheet,
all the things that would happen if she stayed.

But she didn't tell me
Who I would become
*Without my heart
Sarah Nielle Jun 2016
Hi,
I want to steal three things from you.
Your soul
Your Heart,
and your last name.
  May 2016 Sarah Nielle
Pablo Neruda
The memory of you emerges from the night around me.
The river mingles its stubborn lament with the sea.

Deserted like the dwarves at dawn.
It is the hour of departure, oh deserted one!

Cold flower heads are raining over my heart.
Oh pit of debris, fierce cave of the shipwrecked.

In you the wars and the flights accumulated.
From you the wings of the song birds rose.

You swallowed everything, like distance.
Like the sea, like time. In you everything sank!

It was the happy hour of assault and the kiss.
The hour of the spell that blazed like a lighthouse.

Pilot's dread, fury of blind driver,
turbulent drunkenness of love, in you everything sank!

In the childhood of mist my soul, winged and wounded.
Lost discoverer, in you everything sank!

You girdled sorrow, you clung to desire,
sadness stunned you, in you everything sank!

I made the wall of shadow draw back,
beyond desire and act, I walked on.

Oh flesh, my own flesh, woman whom I loved and lost,
I summon you in the moist hour, I raise my song to you.

Like a jar you housed infinite tenderness.
and the infinite oblivion shattered you like a jar.

There was the black solitude of the islands,
and there, woman of love, your arms took me in.

There was thirst and hunger, and you were the fruit.
There were grief and ruins, and you were the miracle.

Ah woman, I do not know how you could contain me
in the earth of your soul, in the cross of your arms!

How terrible and brief my desire was to you!
How difficult and drunken, how tensed and avid.

Cemetery of kisses, there is still fire in your tombs,
still the fruited boughs burn, pecked at by birds.

Oh the bitten mouth, oh the kissed limbs,
oh the hungering teeth, oh the entwined bodies.

Oh the mad coupling of hope and force
in which we merged and despaired.

And the tenderness, light as water and as flour.
And the word scarcely begun on the lips.

This was my destiny and in it was my voyage of my longing,
and in it my longing fell, in you everything sank!

Oh pit of debris, everything fell into you,
what sorrow did you not express, in what sorrow are you not drowned!

From billow to billow you still called and sang.
Standing like a sailor in the prow of a vessel.

You still flowered in songs, you still brike the currents.
Oh pit of debris, open and bitter well.

Pale blind diver, luckless slinger,
lost discoverer, in you everything sank!

It is the hour of departure, the hard cold hour
which the night fastens to all the timetables.

The rustling belt of the sea girdles the shore.
Cold stars heave up, black birds migrate.

Deserted like the wharves at dawn.
Only tremulous shadow twists in my hands.

Oh farther than everything. Oh farther than everything.

It is the hour of departure. Oh abandoned one!
***
Staring from afar
under the night sky filled with bright stars
here 'goes the sudden rush of emotions
distracted by my own convictions

Which one really matters?
Continuation of you and me
(is this really better?)
or separation then wait and see
(or is it the latter?)

Looking back at the moments that have transpired
wondering where it all went wrong
it is truly a love that we once desired
now I'm afraid it might not be for too long

Maybe we're still a "not yet"
so for now, "I bid my adieu"
and when it's time
then, "I love you"

J.H.
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