I guess I'm not ment to be seen
I'll just float through life ghostfully
The sight of me is to obscene
I'm almost gone, transparent
Who cares where I went

It doesn't matter how the world sees you
For the world is quite subdued
It set's the limit of what is acceptable
What is regrettable
What is transposable
What is disposable

All that matters is how the people in your life view you
Are you loud, are you crude
Are you brazen,are you rude
Or are you the voice that soothes

Do you do your very best
To make other's feel blessed
Even though your more than stressed
With your own life a ****** up mess

Do they see your strength, does it show
Even though your hope was gone long ago
Do you still brave each day
Fighting there, in the gray

Can they find the hope you lost
Do they see you go on, no matter the cost
Do they love you anyway
Even when your in the hole, do they stay
Stand beside you night and day
Love you, even when you're in the sway

When depression takes your hand
Leads you to it's lonely land
By you then, do they still stand
Do they hold you close, do all they can

Or do they scatter
Leavening you to feel you don't matter
Making you out to be the Mad Hatter

Can you take off your disguise
Will they think you unwise
Not to continue your "happy" lie
Can they withstand the agony and sorrow in your eyes

If you do, and they can't
There will be no need to feel bad and rant

For when you drop your mask you'll find
You simply had friends of the wrong kind
Then you can leave the others far behind
As new friends start to unwind

©Pauline Russell

Confusion reigns
Inside my brain
To much strain
Thoughts that stain
My consciousness wanes

Lights out
No murmur, no shout

My body remains
So the floor gains
My motionless carcass it retains
My mind is drained
Consciousnessis restrained

Lights out
Another bout

Eye's flutter open
Everything still floating
Reality rewoven
Body regaining motion
Soft words spoken

Lights out
Worry sprouts

Eye's full of fear
You found me here
Holding me near
My vision becoming clear
On your cheek a single tear

No time to duck or shout
Life's technical knock out

On the outside I'm hard as a rock
You can't even hear the thud when I drop

On the inside I'm a crying little *****
Like a kid whipped with a switch

On the outside no emotion at all
You can't even tell I'm in a fall

On the inside a quivering mass
Fearing the final die has been cast

I don't want to move
I don't want to breath, I'm in that mood
Just leave me here to die a slow painful death
Crying and writhing till my finale breath
That can't come to soon
My heart and soul languish in this doom
Dear Sweet Jesus please come and take me now
Please, oh please I can't take this could you show me how
How to end this suffering I've endured all my life
God you've only given me strife
I thought you was finally gonna let love and light into my life
Only to ****** it away in the end
God you're so cruel you where never a friend

She glances up from her work
Only to see people acting like jerks
So she put her eyes down
She dosen't need to see people acting like clowns
She goes back to her job wearing a frown
For her no where can hope be found

The human race for her has been void of truth
Only ****** lies have been told to her, even in her youth
Her eyes have done glazed over
She no longer searches for that elusive four leaf clover
Her feelings have been tucked away
In a cobweb drawer and that is where they'll stay
Her heart had slowly tured to granite
There was no one that would love her in this great big planet

Work is all she has to make her get up out of bed
But thoughts are always swirling around in her broken head

Every day she begged for death to come
But all that knew this told her, she was dumb

"Look at all the beauty on this earth that could be found"
She agreed the sights where beautiful and very much abound
But for her it was just an oxymoron for all the agony it surrounds

She feels like a freak in a side show
People just stand and gawk as her sorrow grows
So she buries herself in work untill she can go home
It's her safe little dome

She locks her doors and turns off her phone
She lets no one in, there's no one to hear her groans
She really just wishes for love, she's so all alone

My soul is tattered
Nothing matters
It's all just clatter
Of a life that's shattered

Under the soft white glare of the moon
I watched you saunter out of my door, my life to soon
The memories of you linger like your cologne
That helps mask the feeling of you being gone, me alone
I roam the house hearing your laughter
I miss our playful banter

If only you would have stayed with me that night
But only the moon seen that tragic sight
The black marks on the road is all that gives a testimony
The stars where the only witness to the ceremony
Of the Grim Reaper's touch
As your spirit he clutched
He escorted you away from the pain
Your car had skidded and flipped in the rain
My life will never again be the same

In you I had finally found
My bliss
I found my missing passion in you kiss
I found my joy for life in your arms
You chased away my demons with your charms
Your laughter repaired my broken heart
Your love making was a piece of art
Your comforting words in the middle of my despair
They where what I inhale
They where my air
Your heart was what made my blood circulate
How, oh how could this be our fate

Why did you have to go out that night
Why didn't I go with you, because this isn't right
I can't live without my missing parts
You had my heart
You where my soul
Why did you have to go

Why did you leave without me
Surly the fates could forsee
I would crumble, shatter, splinter into bits
For now all alone in our bed I sit

The tears all ran dry
I sit here and contemplate why
Feeling so **** numb inside
Wishing I too would just die
How sweet it would be to let out life's last sigh

I'll be just like that annoying magpie
I will stalk you, till you let my spirit fly
Grim Reaper let me clarify
I'm slitting my wrist and you know why

You know what that implies
My spirit you won't be able to deny
Let me kiss,my now empty life goodby
So I can once again be with my guy
In the plain beyond, in the sweet by-and-by

I went down to the sandy bay
Just to watch the water sway
I chased the tiny ***** at play

Sitting on the sand to enjoy the view
***** closing in, quickly withdrew
Dimonds twinkling on a field of blue

Sea gulls screeching a hello
Eloquently they ride the winds flow
As off to the sea they go

The small waves start to dance
Sun and water have such a romance
Everythings perfect at first glance

To speak of this is quite taboo
Even in paradise things are askew
There in the waters deep deep blue

In the darkness or brightest place
Monsters of all kinds still give chase
They inhabit every single space

There's no heroes, they've all died
There's no need to wail or cry
No comforting that can be applied

There's no one left to intercede
Come and have a seat by me
We can witness the ocean bleed

We'll sit and watch the scene unfold
As they munch down soul after soul
We've all been bought, we've all been sold

©Pauline Russell

The rose has fainted,fell to the dirt
Sorrow lingers like a scent
In it's petals you can see the hurt
Such an agonizing event
I watched its' fall
I seen its decent
All I do now is cry and bawl
My love was not enough to circumvent
I couldn't stop the bleed
As it faded red to gray
It happened with such speed
Emotions bundled up in disarray
Now it's gone, turned to dust
But its' memories remain
In my heart the agony is ******
Not even eternity can ease the pain
My rose is gone
My lifes' sand now a desert
In this garden I know longer belong
For all there is left is grief and dirt

©Pauline Russell

I look back on years gone by
Trying to figure out the how and why
How we clung to each other trying to easy the pain
We clung to each other in the cold November rain
The rains have come around again this year
All alone,  I'm standing here
Head held down
As this freezing cold rain splatters on the ground
Making puddles at my feet
As I travel down this dead end street
The cold penetrates my bones
For your not here, I'm all alone
Your memories can't keep me warm
Only images of you in my mind are formed
They where desperate times for you and me
But looking back I can clearly see
We where never ment to be
I was only a life raft in your troubled sea
I wish I'd known then I was just your crutch
That I didn't mean that much
For now the only sound that resounds
In this frozen heart of mine, is this cold November rain falling down

The Christmas angel sat sadly on the shelf
She sat there all by herself
She had been sitting there for years
You could tell she had cried many tears
For she was covered in dust, except for the streaks
On her beautifully round cheeks

For there was no tree for her to grace the top
One year it wasn't put up, it just came to a stop
All the children had grown up and left
In them the Christmas spirit had been kept
They had always been the reason
The mother had decorated for the season
The reason the smell of cookies baking would fill the house
Now there is not even a cookie crumb, not even for a mouse

So the angel sat all alone
Watching how the darkness had grown
The mother no longer caring
Her sadness, over bearing
Every year it seemed to get worse
The mother feeling Christmas time was a curse
The angel trying to figure out how her cold heart to traverse
How to chase away the darkness and the pain disperse

Then like magic, one Christmas eve a knock on the door
What the mother saw knocked her to the floor
Her eye's filled with tears of joy
There in the doorway stood a little girl and a little boy
The grandbabies had came
Christmas would never be the same
Those tiny little arms held out to be picked up
Had more than over filled the Christmas spirits cup

With laughter and song
The put up the tree, it didn't take long
And the angel was dusted off
Given a kiss and placed on the top
Although old and slightly tattered
It didn't in the lest bit matter
They plugged in the tree, fingers crossed they hoped it would light
All those gathered round the tree gasped at the sight
That little angel had never shined such a bright brilliant light

A single tear rolled down the mother's cheek, the same time one rolled down the face of the angel
A tear of joy and of hope for the future, then the Grandmother scooped up the grandbabies Kimberly and Abel
Held them up so they could see
Just how beautiful that angel could be

Yesterday is dead and gone, tomorrow may not come
Lets go out and have some fun, come on and get you some
It is no relationship, just the here and now
We should live it up, I'm a monster on the prowl

Seeing the world through tear stained eyes
Wondering how any one survives

The mountains we climb, trying to reach the sky, but we find
It's nothing more than the trail we leave behind

With out wings we think we can fly
Only to find we are falling from the sky
Being forced into an ocean of emotions to swim
But in the grand design someone forgot our fins

We reach for tomorrow, standing in today
As we look back, for the past has paved the way
Good or bad, when faith begins to fade
Hope is how we are saved

The illusion of time never moving, things never changing, at a still stand
Only in looking back can we see the clocks moving hands

For as surly as the moon brings in the tide
Our years in this life is but a fast ride
Moving so quickly, we don't feel the motion
Just like the the moon's pull on the ocean

Seeing the world through tear stained eyes
Knowing that in the end no one survives

One small shovel at a time
I'm gonna bury this life of mine
So the sorrow can be confind
I can not be committed for a crime
For I will bury it deep,  it'll be hard to find

When it's gone
Will I be able to carry on
I dug the grave in the early twilight  just before dawn
Upon my lips played a song
About how life had treated me wrong
But I'm gonna fix that and it won't take long

With shovel in hand I slung that dirt
Till every muscle screamed and hurt
Just when this wretched life I was about to insert
My eyes did divert
You tried to make me feel that old feeling of disconcert
I decided my grave should claim a pervert

You arrived at just the wrong /right time
Now instead of being your's  your mine
So I brought my shovel down
Right there on your crown
There was a crack, one small grunt after that no more sound
My face wore a smile instead of a frown
As I buried you deep underground

I filled it all in
You couldn't even tell where you'd been
Now you can not create any more monsters or any more sin
I consider that a win
I couldn't help but grin

Now I'll always know where you are
No more stalking me from a far
Never again will you **** me in your car
For I took to your head that cold steel bar

We sat underneath the stars that night
In your warm embrace you held me tight
You pretended that you loved me so
That's how it always seems to go

You should of told me your truths
Gotten straight to the roots
That you only wanted me for a time
You didn't have to make me belive you were mine

I still would of treated you kind
You didn't have to make me look and find
That it was only lies that you told
Piece of my shattered heart that you stoled

You didn't need the star's light
To make what you wanted feel so right
I still need human touch
I still would of laid down in your clutch

You didn't have to get me starry eyed
But you went and lied
For just a few days of pleasure
I still might of shown you my hidden treasure

You didn't have to pretend
Leave me heart broken once again
You didn't have to enter trough my heart
You didn't have to ******* apart

This song I know
This song of old
It plucks at the cords of my memories
Such sweet sad melodies
Through my mind it dances and strums
To these tunes I always succumb
With a melancholy sway
I relive my yesterday
When the sun still had some rays
When I could still see the way
The moment sweeps over me
With every note of that melody
Way to quickly it's gone
With the last beat of the song
Sadly back to my reality
In all of it's depravity

The darkness spoke and I did listen
His kiss upon my lips still glistens
It held me tightly within his shroud
Of himself he was proud
For I fell,I crumbled
I got tripped up, I stumbled
I had tried to fight but my life was to jumbled

He then told me why "For you have lived all your life in my essences
Always was my stark dark presence
it's all you've ever known
You tried to be strong but weak you have grown"

With that he gave his most devious smile
Than begain to spew more rancid bile
"I will forever keep you in my frozen clutch
Look around you'll see it's such
Of those little pills you took to much
I came to you in a rush"

I looked around and I could see
There was no going back for me
I had already passed deaths threshold
My body upon the bed was blue and cold
My soul from my body had been ripped
With that single kiss, that still lingered on my lips

Walking on a sheet of glass
Each step brings spider web cracks
How much longer will it hold
Just how far will it let me go
Some days I tread lightly
Hoping it will crack just slightly
But days like today I jump
Ready to test out my luck
Really hoping it will shatter
So on the rocks below I splatter
But of course it held
So I'll just stand and yell
Till someone hears my cry
And rescues me form the sky
And my growing wish to die

Sometimes depression hits me like a ton of bricks
And when that happens the blood runs thick
I'm trying to find reasons for my life story to go on
Maybe this will be my final song
Think I'll just take the razor and bleed along
I'm tired of the darkness
This might be my catalyst

I'm counted among the fortunate few
That gets to see the magnificent  things I do
Extraordinary eyes that can see
The pitch black holds so much glee
Owls wings reflect the moons glow
It's sent silently to deliver wisdom to our souls
Listen closely, it's the nightingales sweet breath
She's singing loud but soft of tender love and of sweet death
I'm one of the few allowed to see
The turtles lay their eggs then return to the sea
Up on the mountains near the top
I watch the panther make it a rabbits last hop
Don't be blue, sad or cry, it's the cycle of this life
Furry cubs survive, cutting through flesh with teeth like knives
Look real close in that darkened sky
You'll bearly see the bat's fly by
I can see the wind as it blows the limbs
Every mighty trees is it's victims
I'm the shadow man, I am the One That sees
Everything in the night that plays so free
If your ever up in the late, late night
Keep your eyes open wide, of me you might catch a sight

©Pauline Russell

The body count is high
If you piled them up they'd reach the sky
Of all the men that scorched me
But they where the last to plea
They made me cry
They hurt me, so they had to die

It was the only way
I left their bodies lay
I destroyed their worlds
I made it all come unfurled
They made my darkness
I made them heartless

I hope all is well in your world
That nothing has come unfurled
I hope the sun is shining bright
That nothing clouds your sight
I hope your heart is full and warm
That nothing has transformed
I hope your days are full of joy
That nothing was destroyed
I hope family and friends surrounds you
That nothing leaves you blue

I wish for you a beautiful life
That nothing gives you strife
I wish for you wonderful days
That nothing is set ablaze
I wish for you dreams come true
That nothing has a darkened hue

Mostly I hope and wish for you a smile
To carry with you for awhile

I'm gonna lie my tired *** down
You can look but I won't be found

Gonna go to the tallest mountain, tell the world goodbye
Gonna see if I can fly

Take my sharpest knife, let the darkness flow
See what is really in charge of the show

Going into the woods and take my medication
Administer my own sedation

So done with a life deprived
I'm ready to arrive

You can look but I won't be found
I'm gonna lie my tired *** down

Here I am in the darkness again
Realizing it's my only friend

I just want to walk in the sun
Like I did when I was young

But that dream is dead and gone
Just like the last note of a song
It simply fell away
Into the gray

I try to convince myself I will be just fine
Here in the dark where the sun will never shine

Alone in my madness
My terrifying sadness
In time that's so timeless
This deafening silence
That all leads to self violence

Standing in a harvested field, the sky touching the ground
Not a raise, a tree, or a hill to be found
A coal black cloud is coming down
Standing there head back, hoping in it's rain I drown
My heart is bleeding black
Everything from a young age went so off track
I am just the black sheep
I am just the freak
Watch me as my eyes leak
This lonely watch I keep
On my knees now I just weep
It's only sorrow that I reap
For a life lived amongst the ruins
Living under a storm constantly brewing
Daylight seeped through once or twice
Made the formless bleakness more than thrice
So I beg for no more light
It just makes it harder to fight
If blackness is where I'm ment to stay
Just keep the sun away

Have you seen the sky outside
It's turned an awesome shade of green
It's so beautiful I want to cry
It's the rearest sight I've ever seen
I wonder if we're gonna die
It's looking awful mean
I hope the rain starts soon
I love the pitter patter
And the thunder when it booms
I guess it really don't matter
I'm gonna lie here on the ground
And close my eyes real tight
And hope the lightening strikes me down
With the tornado I wont put up a fight
I hope it ***** my body up, so I'm never found
Maybe this time I'll get it right

The smell of rain hung heavy in the air
The clouds where not quite black but the darkest of gray
Your foot falls seemed lighter like the approaching storm was lifting your worries and care
I had to ask you why for most cower in their houses on days like today
You gave me that sweetest grin,  not often seen
You where so amused at my puzzled look
You knew no words could explain what it means
Not even if it was wrote in a book

So you took me out in the middle of the storm
I had to admit at first I was frightened,  Thunder booming and lighting flashing
But with the rain glistening on your face with every bolt of lighting,  you simply said this is my norm
The rain is like my tears, like the lighting I only see small flashes of the light, and in my head the agony is always crashing

Come dance with me in the rain
Come dance with me in the storm
Come dance with me through the pain
Come dance with me and be transformed

You call
Leave a message
"I'm in a fall"
Terrifying presage
"I ****** up"
Pulse quickens
"Drunk from deaths cup"
Blood thickens
"I've took to many"
Stomachs turning
"My prognosis is deadly"
Heart burning
"I love you friend"
Hands shaking
"This I did not intend"
Dialing faster
Message over
No answer

In my black forest I was passing through
To get to where the mountains grew
I came upon a pitiful sight
In the early morning just after night
Dew was still glistening on the ground
When I heard that crashing, growling sound
I knew a great bear was on a rampage
It was a pure white hot outrage
About to turn and go the other way
Blood curdling screams rebounded off the forest decay
And I knew I must go try to save the day

An occupied man had heen writing in his script
And over the baby cub he had tripped
Mother bear heard her baby's cry
And with red molten furry in her eyes
She was ripping that poor man apart
His blood was spraying with every claw mark



In order to get the furious bear away

I knew an incantation that I could say
I didn't want to hurt her it wasn't her fault
The careless man had triggered this assault


“Mother bear of the forest
This attack I can not warrant
Vanish all your angry claws
And your teeth from jaws
But do not discourage, and take heart
For as soon as you depart
You will regain your missing parts”

The moon beams glistens and bounces off the cold gray tomb stones
I glide silently between them, I let out a few soft moans

The moon's so bright it throws shadows off all the leafless trees
Their bony fingers reach out and dance in the breeze
At every stone I carefully read each name and date at either end of the dashes

Everyone of them, their lives where nothing more than flashes
Like the flickering flame of the lanterns glow
Their life away from them just flowed

My midnight stroll was almost over
Knowing they where all at peace under that cover of clover
I looked on their last resting place with wistful eyes
This feeling of wanting couldn't be disguised

As the wind whistles and dies
The north wind crys
A cold chill runs through my spirit
Voices surround me, although I don't want to hear it

For I'm just a vapor, a mist
Miserable in life I slit my wrist
Now I'm a simple ghost
More restless than most

I lift my head to watch the midnight flight of the raven
I feel so cheated, death did not even offer me a safe haven
Death would not let me lay peaceful in the ground
But pointed it's bony finger, and said "go roam around"

Sadness is still my existence, just a different plain
Still the same old sharp dull pain
I'm a restless ghost, flames being held to my feet
Now when you catch sight of me among the stones you'll know why I weep
Because for me there will never be that eternal sleep

I'm doing the right things
But life keeps playing it's games
And the wrong thing keeps happening
So there is starting to be an awakening
Deep in my soul
I'm starting to know
No matter what I do
I'm *******

Wanted to take a secound to make a wish
That all my fellow poets have a joyous day
No matter what Holiday is your cup of tea, your dish
If you are alone or sad, I hope a smile comes your way
I hope all your Holiday plan's you accomplish
And that joy comes to your table to stay

©Pauline Russell

I'm going out to face the monster
She has hollow eyes and drool on her lip
I summons up all the courage I can foster
I'll stand tall and shoot straight from the hip

It stares at me with a snarl on it's snout
It's teeth are sharp they mean to pierce
I can't help but wonder what this farce is all about
Because this beast is looking mighty fierce

I slowly edge my way to the bag
It stares at me intensely
I'm hoping my steps don't lag
It's appetite is immensely

I pour the food into the bowl
Her tail starts waging like hell
I had reached my goal
Now my dog will have to wait for the next dinner bell

She was just sitting there cigarette between her fingers
The smoke curling up above her head, it lingered
She was just contemplating the universe, and her place in it
She felt like a round peg trying to be pushed into a square hole, she just didn't fit
She was far more beautiful than she knew and her spirit was a wonderful kind of wild
Her loving generosity was always reflected in her gorgeous smile
It was heart breaking that it was not flashed more often
But what else would you expect when all of her dreams had died and had all but been forgotten

Her Grandma had taught her as a small child of a loving, caring God
She inhaled deeply from her cigarette and thought if He was so loving why had He only punished her with the rod
She exhaled and let the smoke rise above her, maybe her Grandma had been wrong
Her faith was waning because of all she had lived through all she had seen, her faith was almost gone

She snuffed out her cigarette, stood up and took a long look around
She was completely alone, her broken heart beat was the only sound
Her eye's was filled with the tears of a lifetime of pain, anger and sorrow
She was terrified of the uncertain future and what was to follow

If only she had relized how many other's lifes she had touched and changed
She had so many times sacrificed of herself, let her life be rearranged
She had that rare type of heart that could always see past the surface, to see their lost beautiful soul
What an agonizing tragedy she was blinded to her own amazing, loving, unselfish beautiful soul; she just didn't know

Will everything go as I demand
Will things come out as I have planned
As I travel through tomorrow's foreign land
In my reaching outstretched hand
Will the blue bird of happiness finally land

What will happen as the future I transverse
Will my darkness and agony get worse
Can I out maneuver this curse
At times I feel like I'm about to burst
In scorching pain I am immersed

This life is a living nightmare, a hell
Out of this raging storm I want to sail
I want freedom from this, I scream and wail
To escape into death, my soul to the Devil I would sell
I'd let him pound in the last coffin nail

But I hang onto hope
Hope that I can cope

She set the scene
Like they do for the movie screen
Very thing she did had a meaning
She cleaned the house till it was gleaming

She tried to pretend she hadn't planned it for months, for weeks, for days
But everything she did has something different to say

She had ordered a surgical scalpel online
Praying it would come in time
It arrived a few days ago
And today would be her last show

She put on her favorite dress
The wrinkles out of it she gently caressed
She added rose petals to the bath water
A reminder of all the loved that had faltered
A couple of candles, for the light
That in her eyes no longer shined, her soul was as black as moon less night
She put on a little makeup, there would be no tears to smear it
They were all dried up, her life was ****

She slowly lowered herself into the tub
She didn't want a mess, it would contain her blood
She took that surgical tool, Determined to end all that was cruel
She didn't have to press to hard
She was dealing death's card
She made the slits down her wrist
Watching all of her life's blood flow out filled her with bliss
The water soon turned a crimson red
She just relaxed, there was no dread
The candles like her life soon expired
She had gotten what she had so desired

The iron smell of her blood soon filled the room
It's aroma was a forbidding doom
Her face despite the makeup was ashen white
But a smile creased her lips, she was done with life's fight
She looked so peaceful, so at rest
For her tourtured soul has no longer imprisoned within her flesh

There was a little girl that lived in a tree
She climbed up there so no one could see
She climbed up there so she could just be

She stayed up there so long she got leaves in her hair
She stayed up there so long she no longer cared

She didn't care about the mother missing her child
She didn't care about anything after awail

She was content up there in the sky
She was content up there and no one knew why

How long she stayed up there nobody knew
How long she stayed up there her feet like roots grew

She had stayed so long now she hadn't a choice
She had stayed so long now she no longer had a voice

Don't go looking for her she's no longer there
Don't go looking for her she no longer cares

She had become part of the tree
She had become part of it and no one could see
She had become part of it and now she could just be

That little girl up in the tree, use to be me

Drink from the bottle,  trying to numb my mind
Forget the shot glass, for that there is no time
The agony it grows
In my face it shows
My phone should be locked away
No telling to who, or what I'll say
It's never good to drink alone
Woke up with a pitiful moan

Drink from the bottle, trying to numb my mind
Don't remeber what happened last night, hope I had a good time
Looks like my demons came out to play
Liquor always unlocks the way
Woke up this morning, mirror was shattered
But it don't really matter
I never liked what I seen
Guess I was feeling mean
Read my texts sent to my best friend
In my blacked out state I still knew how to hit send
Hope he forgives me, he knows how I am
Because all he replied was "****"

Drink from the bottle, trying to numb my mind
My demons had a wonderful time
Pills all over my bed
Razor by my head
Gun in my hand
Guess they where gonna make it my last stand
But I must of passed out instead
My eyes are blood shot red

Drink from the bottle, trying to numb my mind
I swear again, this is my last time
Of drinking by myself
As I gently place the gun back on the shelf
The voices in my head
Just laugh at what I said
For there's more liquor in my closet
I know there be a cause for it
For the darkness still covers me
Like a frozen wet blanket, it  covers me with ease

All of this torment
I did not consent
In all this suffering
There is no comforting
In all this despair
No one cares
In this grief
I get no relief
I am so spent
More than bent
In all this pain
I am not sane
In all this anguish
I just languish
It's pure desolation
If I failed to mention
With no more hope
I only cope

Get me out of this cesspool
I'm swiming in idiotic fools
How did I get surrounded by you heartless freaks
Why can't any of you think before you speak

You all tell lies with such great speed
That my ears are starting to bleed
And all my thoughts your starting to impede
Why the **** where you allowed to breed

If I'm made to stay here with you human waste
I fear my intelligence will soon be erased
With all your mindless yakety- yak
I'm begaining to think you all must all be on crack

He sat all alone at home
There was no where to roam
Even on this holiday
All his family had passed away
His ex-wife and kids where in a different state
There was nothing for him to celebrate
Life had left him with an empty plate
He was trying hard to stay away from deaths gate

He sat there trying to watch on tv some shows
Only commercials of happy families, that's just the way it goes
He set's there reliving happier memories
Then looked around at his empty house of misery

A call from his kids
Sent him into a skid
Made him relive their younger years
He was so glad they couldn't see his tears
He did have a small smile as they talked
But like anything the call to soon came to an end, it stopped

The heart piercing whimper that acrossed his lips seep
Would of made the coldest hearted person weep
He just sat there with eyes red with the pain
Knowing all he had lost, not seeing anything left to gain

The agony of his memories played in his mind
Desperately wishing he could go back in time
So he could fix it all, make it all rhyme
For this mountain of lonely misery, he just couldn't climb

As others enjoy their families, with good food and cheer
You will find him setting there with his cans of beer
Trying to drown his sorrow, amplified by this holiday of thanks giving
Wishing that instead of dying inside, he was living

©Pauline Russell

Stop
Drop
And roll
This ***** is on fire, she's out of controll
Don't try to follow, you'll get lost in the flow
Like a rollercoaster she'll take you to the top
A hesitant stop
As you prepare for the drop
Then the ultimate  roll
As she drops you in the hole
Where only the darkness dares to go
What is her goal
Is it to steal your soul

Hell no
She just wants to show
What it's like
On the tip of the spike
What it is to live her life
She'll give you the rhythm
Of what she's been given
She'll give you the rhyme
Of a life lived out of time
She'll show you the holes
Within her soul
Where the monsters stole
What happens when only agony grows

Stop
Drop
And roll
It's the only way to go
When you've turned to stone
Because every cut is to the bone
In her mind only her demons roam
Everyday is a fright
Everyday is a fight
So hold on tight
It's a ride for your life

Lips so red
Looks like they've bled
For the lies you've spread

Eyes so blue
They're soulless too
Your blackness grew

Your arms entrap
Ensnare, react
I'm imprisoned, snapped

Your heart is hollow
In evil you waller
You make me scream and holler

Out of control
Out for my soul
My heart you stole

I shouldn't even hold on
My children all tell me, you did a little right but mostly all wrong
Feeling like I don't belong

I should let it just end
Boyfriend that will only call me a friend
Down into the darkness I descend

Standing in front of death's gate
Not fast enough to change anyone's fate
Sorrow, anguish, and guilt will not abate

Pumping my veins full of drugs
Never again to feel my soul-friend's hugs
Confronted now with only shrugs


I shouldn't even hold on
I should let it just end
Standing in front of death's gate
Pumping my veins full of drugs

©Pauline Russell

I'm sorry if you don't agree
I'm sorry if my words don't please
But take a closer look, you'll see
I write for me