April, why did you leave
me lone to get older
turn another Year
Ten days later
when you couldn’t in
July, why don’t you
blow
the candles in
November, forced remembrance
throughout the Year

no talk all day long  
but i sing and won’t notice
that’s my way of life

quiet kissing in
quarry, diamonds less shiny
than your bright heart light

wrinkled moments come
with the morning drowsiness
your coffee eyes fresh

dear father i’m scared
you will turn grey by the time
i see you again

if i sing a dirge
during feticide, is it
mercy to ******

campfire player
who loses identity
without audience

reflected on trees
my shadow is a giant
waving on the bark

wild flowers blooming
like there is no quarantine
while we’re in mind jail

it’s only the flower fallen off
that makes sense
not the tasks of work
that lead nowhere

it’s only the eyes resting
on each other calmly
that makes sense
not the rush of a boring day
that act like important

it’s only the expression
by creating myself with art
that makes sense
not the forced knowledge
i can’t use
that’s told it is needed

it’s only the memory
of mom
appearing as real as her love was
that makes sense
not the fake sorries and words
that are said
when they don’t know better

i love
the darkness
in you
it’s the most real
thing about you

Nocturnal animals
Live next to us
Ignoring our sleep
And well-being
Blue uniforms
Knock on door
Come night
Time for winding down
But my brain is alert
Afraid to fall asleep

rain is
drinking tea
in the company
of my wrinkled soul

a pair of
mismatched socks
we wear each other
mixing colours

an item from a
second hand shop
more unique than  
the same new ones  

only we see the
rainbow on an old
black and white
television

i swim in the Sea
of Depression,
it’s Free...

i wallow in the Gorges
of Sadness,
it’s Gorgeous...

then,
Anxiety.
cramped, Aggressive,
shake Panicky.

i run in Circles
claw my face
can’t breathe
lose my Faith

...and sense of reality
as it IS.

I can’t breathe
On these choking
White streets of
The United
States
of
R
a
c
i
s
m

I doodle pictures
On your arm
Will you ink them
On your heart

Just
Little you
And little me
Would fill up all the big space
In the world

Faith, please help me to believe
That I have good reason to live
That nothing is coincidence
Give me enough confidence

Truth, I pray to you with tears
Be my goddess, sweet release
Guide me through the waves of life
Don’t let me give up hope in life

invisible umbilical chord
ties me to you
feeds me love
even in your death

i inherited your fight    
to make sense of the nonsense
you live in my rebellion
against the world

i’m bleeding out screams through
words on the paper
if I don’t make sense that’s because
death doesn’t either.

Little heart beats
Constant hammer
In construction
Sonogram panic

You think I could do better 
I think you could do better
So why do we force it 
When it’s all broken fully 

I could easily forget you 
If I deleted your picture 
Forced you out of my mind 
You’d vanish from my life 

You’d be a memory
And we’d get rid of all this 
Hurting and arguing 
Constant misunderstanding 

Pretending that it still works 
When we know we can’t forgive 
Mistakes have been too many
I lost count while crying myself 

To sleep without you hugging me 
You don’t get me anymore
Or maybe you never did 
I just wanted it so bad 

I lied to both of us 
I needed you back then 
But now it’s just a burden
If you don’t understand anything

Cat on a
        leash
Leftover
        food
Gulls screech on
        scraps
Dirt on
        dishes

Clicking clutter    
        of mind
Ticking thoughts
        thrown around
Buzzing brain
        bugs beating
Anxious sadness
        settles in

The power of your wild beauty 
Shocks and magnetises me 
I exis in silent awe
That love I feel is breaking law

No one could recreate the beat 
You make my heart drum

Born from water 
Of the womb 

Walk on earth and 
Breathe the air 

Turn to fire 
On the pyre

Why do you ask
Why I cry

Like I need a reason
Every time

As if the world’s weight
Is not enough
On its own

Each tear is a scar
Which covers a wound

It’s hard to find solace 
In the bitter heart of a lone man
He’ll turn you to stone

I’m only myself
When I’m depressed
Evaporating
Into nothingness

Out of this world
Just a cloud looking down
Exasperated
Lost in my own town

War in the womb
Your death or mine 
****** if not kept 
Suicide if it is 
Either way
Agony

Circle of stones in the water
You caused the ripples 
Will you anger the waves too 
While I am drowning  
Resuscitate me 
With air from the old lands

I photograph myself
In the mirror 
I’m beautiful 
And I see no error 

For too long 
Had I believed 
That if I changed 
I’d be relieved 

But this is me
Naked, imperfect 
Wrinkles of life 
They are not signs of defect

Little girl wasted time 
By feeling so low 
For she was too blind 
To see this glorious glow

I was raised by bullies 
Beaten, abused 
You were not by my side 
Left me confused 

It’s only you
Who’s responsible 
Threw me to the wolves 
Where escape is impossible 

I beat myself 
When you’re not there to do it 
So used to hurting 
I almost love it 

‘I wish you weren’t my son’
You admitted to me 
Now I’m all ****** up 
From red anger I can’t see

You ignored the ‘hoax’
Another dead child 
Consequences of
What you conspired 

Voting for that 
Who’s coming on TV
Watching the news, all those lies
But you don’t believe me 

You think climate change 
Is just fake news 
You laugh at the #metoo
And ****** abuse 

Stuck in your own head 
Misguided yet sure 
That all you have faith in 
Is true, you don’t need more

I hate myself
But I love being alone 
I’m scared of the real me 
But like the silence of my home 

I feel lonely without you
But I need my own space and time 
I crave you when happy 
But I push you away when I’m down 

I don’t have a choice 
But to live with this weird me 
But you could leave, and
It would be so easy

I could put a bullet 
In me now
I could hand a rope 
To end it and die 

I could jump off a bridge 
Stop living this lie 
I could take the pills 
Without saying goodbye 

I can’t stop bleeding 
Will it stop me before my time
I can’t win this clichèd fight 
Are my own thoughts even mine

I can’t slow the sinking 
Will water fill my lungs or wine
I can’t refuse poison, it it the end of the tunnel 
This light and shine

Machine head at the wheel
Getting instruction 
Traitors of life bringing
Final destruction 

Fleeing from flames 
Crying tribes losing homes
All left behind is 
Dry cracked bones 

1984 is the present 
World leaders lying
**** your agenda!
Can’t you see the world’s dying?

All I was taught is
Fear and suspicion

I imagined the world is void
Empty with no one to avoid
No colours or smells
Fears or worries
Just vast nothingness
Or not even that

We drank up the wax
From the candle we burnt 
We swallowed the heat 
Of our fight and it hurt 

We mislead each other 
And lied from the start 
Pretended we’re fine 
Hid our bleeding heart 

We blur out everything 
Nothing’s untouched 
I call you names 
I see your fist tightly clutched 

We spit fire at each other 
We act like animals 
We eat each other alive 
Just like real cannibals

Tell me about the flower you saw on the side of the road 
Ask me about my day even when you know that I’m bored
Promise me you’ll take me to Prague to walk on the cobbled street 
Scold me when I abandon myself and forget to turn on the heat 

Sing me a folk song in Hungarian
Let’s see fjords of Denmark and hike in Britain 
Turn me into the rainbow with spices of Holi
Whirl in the colors and dance while you hold me 

Talk to me when you’re down and call me when happy 
Share the secrets of your heart and just trust me 
Get angry and argue, shout when frustrated 
But don’t ever give up on me, don’t make me outdated 

I’ll travel the globe if that’s what it takes
Find you in deep mountains and crystal clear lakes 
Crossing all continents, confused by time zones 
Flying on airplanes to jump through these black holes

The harsh truth came when I saw someone die for the first time 
I couldn’t understand and since I haven’t drunk any wine 
I grew up suddenly way too fast 
I tried to take it as life’s big test 
But I broke and fell apart 

I’m 26 but I’m living life like I’m 80
I learned really soon there is no such things as tooth fairy 
I struggle with keeping myself alive 
I fight with the burden of all the false lies 
That they tell us when we’re young 

I thought it’s all in my head, this void that is nameless 
It sits in the back of my mind, just shapeless 
The real world is too small, mine is the biggest 
It covers everything, all is meaningless 

What is it I’m looking for 
Gold of rainbow at rainfall
What’s the purpose I can follow 
Why do I wake up tomorrow

Is she satisfied
By your way of selfish love 
Does she act like those
Women in **** you can rise above 

It’s all what he likes 
It’s all when he comes
It’s all him choking her 
It’s all him the hunter
When do you even see her liking it
When do you ever hear her finishing first 

Do you make her scream 
While your **** is raining 
Do you make her feel
Like she’s not pray but a queen

Reddening skin 
Painful blisters
Bad disease 
From your mistress

We met in the haziness 
Hid in its green clouds 
Long breaths of laziness 
Without no care or doubts 

I’m drunk by your liquor eyes
High by your pleasure 
Addicted to your taste
You give me that seizure 

If I’m clean
Free by your dark dirt 
I’m bored when I’m sober 
Without your stains on my T-shirt

You are the danger
I don’t want to avoid 
If it kills me let it be 
Nothing would fill the void

How did I fall for you 
I don’t know 
Your starry eyes captured me
And made me go 
Crazy

Queen on an old dime
Imprint of past time 
Empty emotions 
Acts of a fake mime 

When singing was living 
And dancing was playing
I’ve been all the art forms 
But now I’m all nothing 

I’m asked my profession
But not my real passion
I draw in the sand now 
To cry my confession 

Is denial a big crime 
The church bells they will chime 
For innocent souls 
Will they also ring for mine

In my nightmare you had cancer
Which turned your face wooden
I felt your features but not your skin
I’ve been imprisoned and tortured
By those who birthed you
Who share your blood yet not your feelings
They made you to talk to her
Why else would you feel  
There was still a spark and raw desire
Towards the one who cheated and lied
Made you swallow the pill of pain…
Killer is her name, your forgotten secret
Whom you deny with your other self

You ain’t no good judge of me 
You’re way too much in love with me 
You’re biased eyes they mislead you
You don’t see what’s in front of you 

Don’t put me higher than I am 
**** the angel you think I am 
Adjust your vision to see reality 
Don’t be fooled by my beauty 

I am evil, a ruthless beast 
Don’t forgive me, don’t let me feast 
On you weakness and your care 
I’ll devour it and steal your air

Lipstick whisper
Fake lash twinkle
Silicon Valley
In your body

You call me ugly girl without the chemicals
On my face, on my nails and in my hair
Growing it out
Everywhere

Pluck it out, don’t scream loud
And  take the pain as beauty’s price
Spend your money and time
And dye and dye
Until you die

He doesn’t notice
How high the heels
He doesn’t care
How it feels

Norms, norms
Abnormal norms
Inhumane morphs
In animal forms

Bill strangles their neck  
Barcodes are their language
Dollar signs in their pupils
Chasing the digital and physical
Money like it’s their long lost love

All the victims and their sin
Burning fire on my skin 
Screaming children of today
Born from fear of yesterday 

I was breastfed the pain of generations 
Drank up their instincts to have suspicions 
Past poisons my bloodstream keeps me in cages 
I’m mentally struggling to escape all these places 

Electric buzzing in the heads
Causing offsprings in distress 
Piercing shrieking, heart attack
Tears of anger, slow, numb death 

Deformed tranquilizer dart 
Broken vocal chords, no art