I'm suffocating
I'm frantically searching for something to give me air
To save me
But nothing works.
I look around me and I see people going about their business
As if they're not aware they're all underwater.
How is it they're breathing?
Are their lungs not filled, are their throats not burning on fire?
Where do they find time to smile?
Why aren't they struggling against the depths to reach the surface
Where solace may or may not lie
I scream at them, and the bubbles cloud my face
I'm flailing my arms about for their attention
But no one turns their head
They just keep walking underwater

YOU ASKED WHY MY HAIR IS SO MANY HUES OF BLUE
       WELL...
I NEED ONE TO MATCH THE COLOR OF MY BLOOD
AND ONE TO MATCH THE COLOR OF MY MOOD
AND ONE FOR THE SKY
AND ONE FOR THE MOON
AND ONE FOR THE VEINS THAT
          S  T  R   E    T     C      H
ACROSS MY PALE SKIN
AND ONE FOR THE TEARS OF THOSE NOT AFRAID TO WIN
AND ONE FOR THE JEANS, FADED IN THEIR GLORY
AND ONE FOR THE HELL OF IT BECAUSE

        NATURAL  
                              IS
                                    **BORING.

And then the memories came flooding back
A tidal wave just relentlessly knocking me off my feet
A constant reminder of being alone
When these songs were my only friend
The only thing keeping me here
staying with me while I heave torrential sobs in the dead of night
Calming my nerves when everything became too much
Helping me get through good and bad days alike
Screaming what I could never say
Holding me together when all I could do was fall apart
It was and forever will be the glue keeping me intact

Have you ever heard the ramblings of a crazy man?  They're often like the mumblings of a sleep-talker. Unfiltered, unearthed from the blackened crevices of the burned truth.
     They're rooted in the torn up letters that you thought you threw out. In the prison of socially acceptable things to think
That send you into a whirlwind of what ifs.
     They're in the things everyone knows are true but are too paralyzed by fear to admit.
     In the vapid humor that covers up the paranoia. In the fear still lingering after the emergence of the Monster Town under your bed.
             But what does one do with these ungodly demons?

Perhaps the answer lies in the disregarded chemically corrected ramblings of a "crazy" man.
But who will be the one to open their ears
and tape up their letters
and open their cells
and embrace their fear for the greater good of the fading humanity?

These calories have made their way into my dreams
A place where I used to feel comfortable
Like anything could happen and I was, for the most part, optimistic
They've infected my subconscious and now
I'm not allowed to have that imaginary meal for fear
It may put on some imaginary weight.

I used to say you were the only thing that consumed my sleep
But I'd be lying if I say that this isn't an increasing occurrence, these numbers
These numbers, always in the forefront of my mind
Never leaving me alone for a moment to think
With infected sleep, there's no safe place for me
No place to run from these numbers, these *calories

I'm off to a wedding tomorrow
My plus one being the empty seat waiting for a mystery to sit itself down in it

Oh, about that wedding tomorrow?
The bride has a request....
Don't question the groom
And attempt to be a polite guest
Don't upstage the figure in center stage
And for the love of demands, be mindful of the dress
He's spent months and she's spent years
Leading up to this utopian day
Of white cake and dry tears
For those two words, sealing a promise of eternal affection, to be said
Ending a possible life of possible dread
And the fear of solitude to remain as that, just a fear

Such a seemingly simple request, don't you think?
The wedding tomorrow is sure to be worth a drink
Allow me to capture this essence of love
Marriage being such an on-the-brink

I'm off to a wedding tomorrow
My plus one being the grateful empty seat waiting for the solved mystery to kindly make its way to another bridesmaid

They tell you to smile all the time
But then wonder why the hell you're smiling all the time, saying it makes you look suspicious

They tell you to tilt your head and you'll see things a little bit different
But then wonder what the hell is wrong with your neck

They tell you to speak your mind
But then wonder why the hell you're not shutting up

They tell you it's okay to be different
But then wonder why the hell a guy's wearing make up

They tell you to follow your dreams
But then wonder why the hell you're always sleeping

They tell you to stand up for what you believe in
But then wonder why the hell you refuse to sit down

They tell you all these goddammed double standards
But then wonder why the hell you don't listen

This sadness, this numb
It is not poetic.
I cannot write about galaxy ridden veins
or fire seared eyes

This sadness, this emptiness
It is not beautiful
There will be no heroic sweeping away of broken princesses by
princes with cigarette clenched teeth
or ***** laced lips

This sadness, this gut-wrenching pain
Will not be daises in Marlboro boxes
It can't be unraveled threads sewed back
by an infinite but dysfunctional love

No, no.

This sadness isn't any of that.

This sadness, it's raw
It hurts to look at but it's torture to bear
People look away from this type of sadness
Because it sure as hell ain't pretty.
But what it is is real
This is the sadness that, once moved past, is never forgotten

It's worn like armor in battle
Like a coat of arms

This sadness makes you a **soldier

To be perfectly honest,
You went from my whole world to not even a part of it
I'd never admit I miss you
Put on a brave face around you
Make you think everythings okay
But my insides are crumbling with the need to see you again
To touch your skin
To be in your current interest

To be perfectly honest,
I feel as though a certain ***** has been ripped out of me
Somewhere near where my heart used to be
There is a gaping hole growing bigger every minute I don't see you.
I know where it is
It's in the palm of your hand
And the further apart we are
The less it starts to beat
I haven't seen you in so long
I'm really missing your embrace
I told myself I was strong
That it was just a crush
That I didn't need you
But if that was true, then why am I hurting so much?
I refuse to allow myself to cry
I must stay strong
but "staying strong"are just words
Words you say when you don't want to get involved
They're intangible
And often unintelligible
They hold no meaning nor volume
Just two-dimensional scapegoats and
To be perfectly honest, I'm just really ******* missing you

I woke up with your name on my tongue
Dreaming about you once again, I guess
I still hope it's you whenever the phone
rings
But that's just another fantasy I can't
fathom into reality

I needed you today
Well, everyday, but today especially.

But you weren't there today, were you?
Well, everyday, but today especially

It's always the same story and I keep
trying to reinvent the ending because
I thought I was the reason you showed
up?

I should've known from the first lie
That you would never be mine

Someone like me doesn't deserve someone like you and you can interpret that how you will

So go. Don't show up.
Go and believe me when I say I'm fine because I know you don't care today.

Well, everyday, but today especially.

I said I'm ******* fine
But you never asked in the first place
I'm not ******* fine
But you believed me, now how does this tatse?
This blood on your hands
Spilled from veins
Washed away with bleach
Let's cover it up
Cause nothing's ever as it seems
Paint a smile
On a canvas of pain
They hate you now, but now it's "what a shame"
Where were the compliments
When I was around to hear them
Your words could've lifted me up
But not up from the grave
I'm so sorry
So sorry I couldn't make the grade

Here we are again, lights off on your bed
And I'm convinced there's nothing more
meaningless than words strung together
They don't make any sense
Here we are again with your hands around my neck
And I'm content to let you go feelingless
like words strung together
They don't make any sense

But there's a difference between loving something useless and letting its
uselessness be what you love
It's dark in these rooms, but between me and you
I'd rather never leave any one
Because even though I cannot see, I've never felt more at home
Than when I cannot breathe
And when I am not shown
the things that can make me bleed, I'd rather
Cut up my throne
I'd rather be all alone

Here we are again, killing with a deadly pen
And I'm offended you thought I'd be reading this
Your words are strung together
They don't make any sense
Here you are my friend, a free man's head
But I confess, it's not the bearer of solace
His head is strung together
He does not make sense

~

Here we are again, we seem to start at the end
And I must digress, the blood on the wall is not red
The words are strung together
They don't make any sense
So once more my friend, I really do regret
But I won't forget the fateful story that begins in bed
The words are strung together
They will never make sense

you think you have all the time in the world, and that is your biggest mistake. you can't rely on something that doesn't exist.

I'll give myself away
Throw away everything I've known
I'll change myself if youll stay
I dont want me if you go

Take my soul
Take my life
They're nothing without you
Take my goals
Take our nights
I have nothing left to do

I'll sit here rotting away
Like I did
Before you brought me
Back to life
I'll just sit here
Waiting
With no day and no knight

If we were ripping apart at the seams,
I'd take this blade in my hand and hand it over
I would rather the vultures of Hell pick apart my fragile skin
Than be the cause of the destruction of something so euphoric
It would be cynical for me to break the final thread
A crocheted heart lies within the refines of fine welded cell

I don't like any of my works

I OFTEN FIND MYSELF WONDERING IF YOU EVER WONDER ABOUT ME TOO AND WHETHER I'M DOING OKAY, BUT SOMETHING TELLS ME I VERY SELDOM CROSS YOUR MIND BECAUSE NOW YOU'RE WITH HER AND WHO THE HELL WOULD THINK OF ME WHILE LOOKING AT HER?

Maybe this is the reason for my obsession with the sea
Throw me in, the tide will pull me under and yet I want to be submerged
I want my skin to soak up the water and become dry from the excess salt
I am the ocean as the ocean is me
With every churning wave, my heart lurches in sync
When anger boils up in my core, you will see a storm on the horizon

The wind, constantly driving me forward

Best friends with the sun and sand,
Every white cap slapping the shore
Is just the noise of colliding hands
As the gentle push and pull of the tide slowly rocks me to sleep
I begin to dream about my undoubted obsession with the sea

When I say everything is crashing to pieces,
Falling apart before my very unadulterated eyes,
I don't mean it as a metaphor.
No. I mean things are literally breaking to bits.

When I say everything is crashing to pieces, I mean
With every step I take across this suspension bridge, I can feel the ground give way to my weight and endlessly tumble and twist toward its impending demise to the unsuspecting ground below. (Albeit, it has yet to have trouble with the racing automobiles wizzing past me with a taunting doppler)

When I say everything is crashing to pieces, I mean
I have the Midas touch.
Only, when things come in brief contact with my fare skin, they need not turn into gold but rather chaos.

When I say everything is crashing to pieces, I mean
With every flip of the switch comes an explosion of glass bits and fiery yellow sparks shooting awry (give my thanks to the short fuse)

When I say everything is crashing to pieces, I mean
I attempt to live out my usual ordinary uneventful lifestyle, and I leave a wake of destruction in my route to the corner store! (Remind me to apologize to the florist- I'll have to get him some newly birthed petunias)

When I say everything is crahsing to pieces, I mean
I fear cutting onions lest the knife get fed up with being dulled by various vegitables and find its way to my throat, holding me hostage in the kitchen via blade tip to jugular

When I say everything is crashing to pieces, I mean
I would be far from surprised if the monsters under the bed had a mutiny and overthrew their sane captain who keeps them from overturning my mattress every night, bless him

When I say everything is crashing to pieces,
Falling apart before my very mundane eyes, I don't mean it figuratively.
No. Things are literally breaking into tiny wooden splinters.
But don't you for a second dilute your mind into thinking this bothers me in any way.
I've learned to just let the pieces fall where they may

The days are so contrasting
Yesterday I was broke and under hell
Crying the sadness out of me in salty waves
Today I am placid with soft music in the background
There's so much emotional whiplash
I don't think my head can take much more of this constant motion
Take me off this ride
I need to fix myself inside
Find the source of my discomfort
Because if I know anything its that
Something ain't right
Depressive nature
But something in me is fighting
The will to stay alive
It's me against my mind
I'm not you're not alone
No we have allies
We have allies
We have allies
I don't know if I can stomach what you're about to do
I hope I can get through
But there's still a part that doesn't want to
Clashing bodies in a perpetual war
The war cries are so loud
I drown them out play lists and Blink 182
The tumult cacophonous
Discord with every note
I oughta tell someone about this life
But out my mouth comes only lies
But I bet I couldn't even if I tried
No no couldn't even if tried
Where the **** are my allies?
I had allies

You want me to steep myself in your fantasy
Like a bag of tea
But I am not a bag of tea.
I cannot make your dull story any more tasteful
I cannot be the woman of your dreams.
I will not make you any better
Because I am not a bag of tea.
Soak me in scalding water
I refuse to let myself go
I refuse to let anything seep
I am bitter and sheltered
And certainly not your cup of tea
I cannot soothe you to sleep
Or give you the energy you need
I will not nurse you back to health, becoming your new home remedy
**Because I am not a bag of tea.

I killed myself long ago
I kicked the chair, swallowed the
pill, slit my wrist and pulled the trigger
all at once
Then
for good measure
I led my ghost to the water with rocks in its pocket
And yet I'm still here

I cracked under pressure a while back
I let my madness show and scared
everyone half to death
Then
for good measure
I jumped off the cliff of sanity into my insane descent
And yet I'm still here

Something held me back.
I think something held me up, flushed
the chemicals, stitched my skin and
jammed the gun all at once.
And then
for good measure
went insane with me

But that something was a someone.
A someone who did all of it without knowing
Without knowing their smile
could lift my day, hold me up and give
me hope all at once
And then
for good measure
leave me with fading scent of their ****** perfection
Lest we forget, you're still here

I can't read too much at once
I might just break under the pressure of keeping it together
Together for whom, I don't know.
The screen perhaps?

You convey your pain so vividly
That it literally makes me ache.
Cringing at the accuracy of your words,
Wincing at the connections I make between your art and your life.
It pains me to feel you in pain.

Maybe I just notice you too much but I know who
and what
and when you're talking about.
Her, mostly, but I try not to read those.

But the other creations are utterly beautiful
In a tragic sense, though I suppose art never comes from happiness.
But what is happiness without a little pain?
An illusion
And oh, my dear, you capture this concept like an animal entrapped in a snare.
You make your message *inescapable