Try, Try, Try
They keep telling me to TRY
Haven't I tried enough?
No, even I don't believe that.
But there's this point when requests become ridiculous
When trying to fill them gets you nowhere but into trouble
So you know you can't;
I know I can't.
Try to think about death
about losing your best friend.
Try to imagine that
imagine the next day;
The sun comes up and you realize it hasn't,
Not for all.
Now try to picture his darkness,
Try to picture yours.
*and tell me to try again..

I'm sorry I'm like this
I genuinely feel insane
Because I love you so ******* much
But sometimes the bad stuff is consuming
And yet I just numbed myself with pain
Then took a couple dabs
And my positive emotions are starting to flow more freely
So I want to tell you now in case this fades again

I love you
Undeniably
I want to spend forever with you
Always
I'm scared to say I need you
But I know it's true

And I'm sorry I've been an *******
These states of mind scare me too
Which probably just makes it worse
But I'm really going to try this
For you and for me
Change is really intense
But for you I'd try anything

I'll keep you safe
From the things that I can.
But you can't hide from hate.
Or from deception.
I hope you'll be ready
When you see the world isn't good
Learning the hard way just how things really work.
How you're fate is in your own hands
That others don't decide who you are, only you can.
Stay on the good path.
Find your way to happiness.
I may not always be here for you
But I try when I can, to help you prepare for the truth
That everyone keeps hidden.
What isn't talked about until you get there yourself.
The pain,
Sorrow
Anger
Envy
And hatred.
I know you can't understand yet
How could you in your perfect world?
But one day you'll have to grow up too.
Just know I'm here to help you through it all.

My stomach is in swirls and
Soon my heart follows too
For some unknown reason
I can be myself with you
Getting high on the bed
Getting high off each other
After we spend two nights together
I still want another
Your eyes are like oceans
Whose depths I crave knowing
I see waves and storms
And I want you to show me
I want to listen to your truth
All the pieces of you
I know life isn't easy
I've got demons too

I wish my words could echo
Reverberating across your body
Leaving goosebumps in their wake
And leaving you trembling
Begging for more

But they don't
And likely won't
These words simply fall short
Clattering to the floor
Like broken promises

My heart screams and aches
As my only mode of comfort falters
Electricity shocks through my body
As I hear your words in the dark
Echoing so beautifully off of each cell in my trembling body
You give me chills
And I'm genuinely happy for you

Closing my eyes so tightly that my temples begin to throb
The space above my eyes starts burning but I force them farther down.

I feel like I've just had a brick to my face as my nose begins to sting with the built up pressure.
But it's still not dark enough.

Hat down past the doors I'm holding shut
They never came with a lock.
I want to see the type of darkness I feel inside but
All I feel is burning
My eyes won't close enough to really see it
And even 6 feet under wouldn't be dark enough.

I must admit
That I hadn't
Thought about our song
For quite a while now
But I would never forget it

I remember you playing it for me
Your amazing voice echoing across the walls
Of that small, somewhat creepy, practice room
I remember how I could feel
This energy between us that
Fueled those lyrics' creation

You've always been a beautiful writer
I was definitely jealous when I first read it
That day we sat in the library
You were supposed to be working
But we've always made our own rules

I wish I could explain
The hurt I feel while reading our past
So clearly plastered across this bright screen
Similar to how I feel
While replaying these memories
But it's complicated
And I've always been bad with my feelings

I'm sorry I've been quiet these days
I have other poems in the works
That might better explain where I'm at
But it doesn't mean I don't care

I reread your texts a lot today
Trying to decide if it's worth it
To engage in conversation
When it just always ends the same way
My feelings and thoughts
Could never agree
So I didn't say anything back

I'm listening to that song you sent me now
I wasn't sure what you meant by it
And I'm not fond of the sound
But I feel and think of you
When I hear the lyrics

And speaking of songs
My heart basically stopped today
Because my new Spotify
Includes a playlist with depressing music
And of course it played "I've Given Up on You"
It reminds me of you undeniably
But the title means something different this time

I don't want you to think that
I've given up on you
And assume that my silence
Means that I don't care
I love you
I always will
But you're also bad for me right now

Your aggression
While possibly justifiable
Hurts my soul and
Absorbs all of the energy
That I need
To take care of myself
And others

But I am still here
I'm a phone call away
I can't say we can be friends at this moment
Because it was harder for me
Than I had thought it would be

But don't think I don't remember
And don't think I don't care
Because you're still everywhere
From the music I vibe to
And the games I can't play
But more than anywhere else
You're in my thoughts and memories
And those still torture me

Cold metal
On cold skin.
A cold heart
And a dead mind.
Black and white,
Shades of grey,
There's a dire need for a bit of color.
A twitch of the wrist,
The path of a blade,
Releases the pain,
The hatred and distress,
And finally lets some color back in.

The cavity in my chest
Feels less empty when you're around
And maybe I utilize that fact
To heal parts of my broken soul
Without the mind-numbing effects
Of my antidepressants
I feel unnerving panic and
If I tell you then you'll leave
I wish we could skip ahead
Beyond all this confusion and heartache
To a time where we can settle down
And breathe again, together
But I know that if I skip this moment
I would lose my time with you
And even on my worst day
You make me feel whole
So even if this ends
In a way that neither of us desire
At least I had the experience of you
That'll always make my heart smile

Laying in bed with my music on at 2:30 in the morning,
Wishing that I won't have to wake up again tomorrow.
And if I do, hoping that the last few years of my life were only a dream.
One sick, extended nightmare that I can awaken from at any moment,
And everything will be okay again.
*But first I need to fall asleep.

Lived for me;
Reasoning says
to die just the same.

Hot oil seethes through my veins
destroying everything it contacts.
It forces my heart to work twice as hard
and tests my self-control.
My lungs fill with thick grease
the same that’s keeping my mind spinning.
Trying to live with this poison
keeps burning away my limbs.
Until there’s nothing left
but bones.

An electrical fence
Lines the inside of my body
Within it I can feel
The semblance of emotions
As they throw themselves
Furiously against the wires
Electric tremors flare through my limbs
Waves of whispered feelings
Tear through my muscles
Begging and screaming for me
To let them live and breathe freely
But my mind tells me not to
It says I can't trust my feelings
And if I am not my emotions
Then I can still trust myself
I'm told that feeling is dangerous
That it hurts other people more
Than not feeling hurts me
And how can I argue with that?
But the feelings keep screaming
They keep scratching at the floor and
Infuriating their essence with electricity
Please just let me be
Please just set me free
I'm suffocating under the pressure
Ripping apart from this tug of war
My brain promises that I'm fine
My feelings say that's a lie
All I know is that I'm tired
I just want a break
I can't fight like this forever
And it's not just me
While I'm exhausted and in pain
Those around me don't see
They think this is just me
But I can't connect to them
With my emotions behind bars
Theres no room for empathy
No room for intimacy
I am alone
Yet I can't feel lonely
What a well-oiled machine
This human without feelings

Bodies swim around us in this endless crowd
Faceless faces twisting and turning to find a place to stay
Vibrations of bass shiver through our spines
And intricate guitar riffs drown out all conversation

I look into your eyes and suddenly everything surrounding us
Begins to fade into nothingness
A black film embodies us and
I only see you
and those stunning, chocolate-rich eyes

Your fingertips trace my cheek
Sending an electric current through my entire body
I no longer feel anything
Nothing except for you
And the beautiful way you study my countenance

Your beautiful smile takes my breath away
Our lips touch and suddenly a power surge
All lights, sounds, sensations cease
All that's left is you and me

My heart seems to beat to the pace of your breath
Rapid, then pausing for a moment
As we become one in our empty world
Troubling thoughts and overthinking all dissipate into an energy between us,
So fierce that words limit our expression of it

So we don't speak, we wrap into one another
Without questioning where we go
Our safe abode where nothing else exists
We simply float through this abyss together
Until we open our eyes and return

To the lights, to the drums,
To the screams, all those people that slowing resume their places
As if we never left at all
But they don't know our world
Can't see how we escape
You are the key to this perfect place
Our own little taste of paradise

I feel alive when I'm with you
And that scares me to death
When we're together I know I'm quiet
But it's not being stuck in my head
It's an intense shift in emotion
An entirely new headspace
I don't feel this way with others
Your energy alone brings me peace
Being with you is all encompassing
Braiding my body, emotions, and soul
A beautiful collision of colors
Where all of me meets all of you
Wrapping around each other
As the whole world is quiet
Those moments are everything
I love you more than I've ever known

My heart pulses with this pain
Everything is in waves
So I know this will pass
But it hurts to keep breathing
I want to cry
And I want to sleep
But nightmares plague my mind
When I close my eyes
I used to smoke to avoid the pain
Now it seems to cause me more
I can't keep doing this to myself
I feel like I'm going to break

Hugs like heaven
You lean into me
You're soft and gentle
I don't want to let you go
So I hold you close instead
Willing time to freeze
Even for a moment
It's like nothing else exists
I breathe into my senses
Warmth and peace embodied
Every moment with you feels like
Both a lifetime and a fleeting dream

Rock and mortar coat the halls
joining the dust upon the walls
Broken frames and shattered glass
A storm had come, destruction lasts
But beauty holds to the eyes that see
that sometimes endings set you free
A crack now cavernous
its depths threaten ravenously
Shudders, no tremors
Feel the violence
the world around you
succumbs to silence
               ...
               ...
...and then it speaks.
For once it all makes sense:
The pain and struggle have finally left
And you see it once, maybe twice
But it's there.
In her eyes you realize
You truly care.

I don't understand
All the things that I feel
This anger isn't genuine
It's spawned from sadness
From hurt
From pain
I love you undeniably
And it feels like
You dont feel the same

Memories float around
Aimlessly swimming through my mind
Sometimes they're so overbearing
That I can't even breathe

Lost love plagues my heart
A disease pumping through my veins
Every movement and every thought
Consumed in this emotional vortex
Fear, pain, regret, loneliness

How many times do I make plans
That suddenly change
In a way that alters my entire existence?

How many hearts do I break
Along this gruesome path?
Why am I so afraid to be alone?

Why am I so ****** up?

I need to let you all go
But the music brings me back so easily
How do I escape this demented cycle?
Just know that I think about you more than you know

Anyone I've ever been with
Has affected me so drastically
And they still lead the way I think some days

I'm sorry that things ended this way
Almost always because of me
These memories never seem to fade
So even though I may have hurt you
I still hurt every day because of it too

Who are you?
You sit here most every week
With a smile on your face
Yet you barely even speak.
Why are you around?
I can never understand
And it's not getting any better
With your words guiding my hand.
You whisper your desires
Daring me to try your ways
Unaware of the struggle you cause
And the pain brought each day
You don't belong here
I try to scream
You don't hear
Because you are me.
So give me some answers
To the questions i don't dare voice
Because i am you
And I've been given no choice.
You keep me awake at night
And asleep in class
You tug at my thoughts
Until i force you to pass
But you won't stay gone long
For you are a part of me
And i still can't accept you,
My burdening identity.

Don't touch me
Don't talk to me
I don't need this ****
Don't say that I'm ****
Don't say that you like me
That's the last thing anyone needs.

You don't know me
So those feelings don't mean **** to me
You don't know my problems
You don't know my pain
You only know that I listen well
And that I said I won't leave

But your feelings are dangerous
I'm fire and those are water
I will run if you try to pursue them
Because I am not whoever you think I am

You don't know me
And I don't know if I want you to
I'm not a bad person
I just hate the pressure
Of people falling too hard for me

What do I actually want
When I'm craving a high?
What need am I trying to satisfy
By drowning myself in a bottle?
I want to escape
I want to feel joy and freedom
I don't feel that now
I feel like drugs will bring those feelings
Even for just a moment
And sure, they might
But then I'll just think that
The drugs are what makes me happy
When it's actually the feeling of peace and happiness
The things I'm actually craving
That will make me happy
But, the human brain is flawed
And it will just see the drugs
And make me want them again

I dreamt about you explicitly today
We were actually talking and
You were very adamant about your feelings
But you seemed slightly hesitant
So I asked if there was any way
Your feelings could change
And you could forgive me
With some time and space
You thought about it
It sounded like you were about to say yes

Then my phone rang

Breaking me away from you
The dream still fresh in my mind
As the sound sinks me back into reality
She wanted to make sure I was up for class
I feel so dead inside
I'd rather spend my days in bed
In my head
Chasing you through my dreams
Because those representations of you
Are all I have left

From the day we met
I never felt the choking flutter of
a million wings in my lungs
So in our time together
I’ve never chased that feeling
While it may seem odd
their absence allowed me to love you entirely
without the distraction of
the ***** beauty of butterflies
Although I don’t understand it fully
I appreciate the rawness of my emotions
and how they had to travel steadily
before they became the flowing river they were always meant to
And when I tell you that my interests in others
has and never will alter my feelings for you
Understand that all they can offer me is a temporary flurry
Butterflies have a short lifespan
And our love is eternal.

I've said I'm sorry so many times
But even a million words couldn't mend the pain
I've hurt you much more than you deserve
And I have nothing but myself to blame
I know you deserve the world
But I've given you nothing to prove it
Because every time I overthink
My mind spins and I lose it
But I can't let you just leave
Without first admitting how I feel
You asked me to explain why I like you
I didn't say much, but these feelings are real:

The way you nestle into me while you sleep
And your peaceful face make me weak
Your addicting laugh's sweet melody
Makes my smile appear unknowingly
And the way you smile after we kiss
It's a moment I never want to miss
Your desire to protect my heart
Proves you'll never rip it apart
And when I opened up to you
Without an obligation to
I knew I would find my way
To fall in love with you some day

It's very rare that you discover
Someone who thinks like you
And though you're absolutely stunning
Your mind is just as beautiful too
I try to explain how my feelings are
Yet my thoughts never seem quite tangible
After many failed attempts
I know our connection is unexplainable
Words may never exist
To show exactly how I feel
But I swear you've caged my heart
In a home of impenetrable steel
And I'm happy there
Even if you don't feel this way too
You have my heart
Because it only longs for you.

I'm running over in my head everything i want to say to you
But I can never get it out when we're face to face
Because whenever I look in your eyes
Everything disappears
And it's clear
That there's something about you that I can't face losing.

As quickly as it came to me
It falls away just the same
I can't figure out why life
Has such a hit on my heart.
I don't just lose my girl
I also lose a close friend
And at the same time
Everything else too.
I'll never understand why
Every time i try to love
The chance gets ripped away
My insides shredded in a million parts.
Nothing left to salvage
Too ******* up to make a life
And so sick of everything ******* up
Now i don't know what's left to do.

I want to stop and feel the sand
But you have a tight grip on my hand
I'm basking in the glory of this image
But you want to leave so we'll go
And I'll try to come back when I'm alone

Flying high in the clouds
And my body begs for you to touch me
But the second you begin to explore my pale skin
A voice in my head calls out
"You know she's not ok, right?"
"She doesn't want to do this"
"She only feels obligated cause it's what you want"
I disconnect as you ask how I am
I'm not sure how to answer that one
I know my incessant worrying bothers you
But these thoughts are not my own
They're being thrown like knives
Piercing the thin layer of my consciousness
Bleeding until it's bothersome enough to ask you
And you say you're ok
But they say you're lying.

11:32am
My alarm goes off
I should probably shower
But I lay here and read poetry instead

11:40am
I could probably still shower
It's cold and the hot water would feel nice
But this sadness anchors me to my bed
So I write some poetry instead

11:52am
I'm still writing
And I definitely haven't showered
I need to get dressed to leave at noon
When did I get so bad at deadlines?

12:03pm
My ride is here
I'm still not dressed
No binder today
So I throw on an old sweater and some sweats
Good enough for me

I don't get what you see
Maybe I'll never understand.
But you don't get it either.
When I look in the mirror
It isn't me
There is no me.
You see strength,
I see nothing.
I'm dying inside,
You believe the mask I wear.
You think you know me
But how could you?
When I don't even know myself.

My existence wasn't a choice
So who gets to say my life isn't?
I've seen a lot and done enough
I don't want to experience more
The joys of life keep people afloat
My anxiety has stolen my buoy
I feel like I'm thrashing wildly
Grasping for something to keep me sane
I don't think there's anything wrong
Why is death always the enemy?
I am sad and I am broken
I've given my best to those I could
I don't want to settle anymore
Please just let me be free
Let me say goodbye when im ready
I want to choose my own destiny
I don't want to get better anymore
I just want this all to be over

I feel trapped
Confined in this media hellstorm
How easy it is to numb out
To drown out these thoughts
These feelings
These aspects of myself
Under the static of technology
I just want to exist and to
Connect with myself again
And yet I keep tuning in
To tune it all out
I dont even like what im watching
I dont enjoy doing this over and over again
It feels so compulsive
So uncontrollable that
I want to just sell my TV
Return to a dumb phone again
Rid myself of these technological terrors
Because for some reason
I can't just walk away
And I can feel the clocks ticking
As these precious moments are wasting away
And slipping through my fingertips

**** this ****
I'm over it
I know I said I'd be here
But I don't deserve this
Your anger is valid
But you don't get to take it out on me
I can't change the past
But I can grow from this
I can be better
But not if you're sitting there
Whipping me with your words
Simply because you hate the truth
I'm sorry it happened this way
But it's not all one-sided
Neither of us are perfect
We both **** up
But I can't keep doing this
We're good for a minute
And then you're mad again
And it's always my fault right?
When my ex was doing this
You told me it seemed unhealthy for me
Now here we are, it's just the same
So maybe I'll take your advice this time

This is probably the most frustrating feeling I've known,
Because writing just lets everything go.
Looks like there's too much going on at once to even think clearly anymore.
All i want to do is let it all go,
And I know there's another way,
But my mind keeps telling me no.
Even as my hands yearn for the cold plastic of the handle of that knife,
A thought comes through:
Have I traded my ability for some sick craving,
Both have the same results anyways,
So why not?
*****.

Static pours into my eardrums with an
Incessant buzz of thoughts:
I still love her.
I want to die.
**** yourself, she’s best without you.
Be alone and do it.
Stop dragging people down with you.
You’re the problem.
I need her.
She’s gone.
It’s my fault.
I’ve ruined my life.
****.
I ruined hers too.
I deserve death.
I am nothing now.
I need to die.
I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'ms­orryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'mso­rryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msor­ryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorr­yI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry­I'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI­'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorryI'msorry
K­ill me please.
****.
me.
Please.

What does forever look like
When you both hate life?

We pretend like we're ok
But we both know we're not

You need distractions from pain
I need to be open about it

How do we balance what we need
With what will make this work?

I feel so numb
It's devastating

Because I know it's not you
I am just so broken

I feel lost
I feel stuck

I don't know what I'm doing
Let alone what I'm feeling

But having your arms around me
Makes me feel alive
Even just for a moment

No matter how much I feel
And how happy I am with someone
There's always someone else
That catches my eye too
And that doesn't discredit my feelings for you
Because I know those haven't changed
Love is complicated
And having it for more than one
Makes my life a bit of a mess
Especially to those who don't understand it
Even though I don't completely either
But my feelings for you
And my feelings for her
Are not mutually exclusive
My love for you does not die
Simply because I develop a crush on someone else
Even if it turns to love as well
It does not extinguish our flame

My insides feel like they're dying
As my first real chance at love
Makes her way to a new life.
I can't breathe well and my heart's really trying
To keep up with my mind
And the thoughts that race inside
Heavy hearted sorrow
There's nothing else inside
So little energy available to me
When I finally realize there's no tomorrow
Not for us, and not for all
***** that our lives had to turn out this way.

Years sprawl backwards
Across the baren hills behind me
From this distance I see more clearly
The tangled knots of pain I tied so tightly
Trying to lock away the burn of loss
Trying to hide the sting of caring
The intricate dance of ropes
Gently cascading together
The ache is all connected
All the hurt melded into one system
Across the landscape of my history
Too many years pretending I didn't care
So much time spent shielding my eyes
Filling the space with distractions and
Convincing myself that I had to do life alone
Abandoning myself and my people
Under the false pretense of self-sufficiency
I traded showing up with vulnerability
For empty space and loneliness
Feelings I could hide and fill instead
Of risking rejection from those I love
I've cut connections with a blade
So sharp and unnecessary
Instead of trying to hold and support them
Knotting the end like a clean cut
When there's nothing clean about loss
Ignoring the burn like I didn't care
Until years later I can't run from it anymore

Back home for the first real time in 10 years
There's nowhere left to hide
The ropeburn aches across my limbs
Leaving tattered patterns along my skin
Now I'm trying to live inside the fire instead
Not running or hiding from the truth anymore
If I want to grow beyond burns and flames
Then I have to feel through all the pain

Free love is hard
But I wouldn't be here
If I didn't love you

You once told me that you finally understood
That if love is true, you can let it go
And it will return to you
If, in fact, it's real

Do you still believe that?
Because I'm trying to come back
Can you place a time restraint on the return of real love?
I know it's been awhile...

I hope you do
And I hope you can't, respectively
I'm grappling for something solid
To hold onto this hope I have for us

I know I don't deserve another chance
But I'd spend the rest of my life
Waiting for the opportunity
To prove to you my devotion

I am nowhere near perfect
I know I'll never be
But if you give me the chance
I know I can be better

Better for you
Better for me
Better for us
And our potential at a beautiful future

Most of me knows you won't let me in
And I won't blame you for that
But besides my underlying hope for us
I wrote you to give you a say

What I did to you was awful
And I stripped away all your power
But my latest proposition
Gives you full control

You can either take me back again
And I'll prove that I can change
Or you can tell me to leave forever
And I'll be waiting in the dark

In case you change your mind one day

It's not easy for me to be vulnerable
But you're worth the pain
Of opening up the walls in my soul
And risking losing it all again

I can feel myself running away
In handfuls of bread
And mind-numbing multitasking
Trying to create a noise so loud
That it'll drown out the one in my head
The one that tells me I'm broken
The one saying I'm a waste of space
And wasting this life away

I am wasting time
With every bite not led by hunger
Every second half-watching television
While scrolling emptily through my phone
These meaningless moments just remove more meaning
******* it away from myself and my life
Draining my emotional energy because
I'm not letting it recharge
So then I can sleep rather than create
So I can avoid the thoughts and feelings
That are telling me
No, begging me
To do something
To feel something

But it's been a long time

And sometimes feeling nothing

Can feel better than feeling

Lonely

I am falling
Perpetual spirals into the dark
I feel my hands grasping
As air passes through my fingers
Something feels off and
I really can't tell
If the caution is real
Or a phantom of my fear
I'm in the land of ghosts and demons
Haunted by these oppressive memories
It's hard to know what's worse
The monsters or the claustrophobia
Flowers can't bloom in the darkness and
Humans cannot thrive in isolation
This place is lifeless, suffocating
Only tolerable through inebriation
Kindess is but a mask here
Trusting no one a necessity
Half these people want me dead
And a quarter could care less
Don't tell me I'm overreacting
When even family aim their guns
I've made my escape and now
I know what growth feels like
I've tasted the freshness of freedom
Witnessed the miracle of peace
It is not like this everywhere
So don't try to normalize this hate
I found celebration beyond tolerance
And I've built my home there
This place is a noxious poison and
I'm done trying to survive it

Kissing you
Feels as though I'm levitating
Above all the stress
Above the complications of our situation
But I promise that isn't everything

I know I'm silent and
I'm aware that I'm a challenge for you to read
But if my word means anything
I want nothing more than to connect with you intellectually
To be able to talk for hours on end
To be open entirely and unapologetically
But I'm also petrified

You're smart beyond reasoning
And absolutely gorgeous
Hearing you laugh makes my heart race
And when our hands touch the beat stops entirely

I need to let go of this fear
The fear of rejection
The fear of this new experience
The fear of getting too attached
And the fear of the unknown

When I'm with you I feel on edge
But I also feel happier than I'm used to
I suppose that I'm afraid
That if I let you see me
The real human behind this tough exterior
That you'll change your mind
Which is fine because you'll do what's best for you
But the idea is still unnerving

I can't tell you when it'll change
But I promise it won't be like this forever
I'm trying to let go of this fear and anxiety
So that something real can actually come
From this mess we found ourselves in
Please be patient with me
Because even though I'm pretty ****** up
I have genuine feelings for you
And want a chance to prove that

I can feel myself melting
My skin sinking in
My heartbeat is nauseating
And my thoughts fall like lead
Everyone's questions echoing
Their thoughts highlight the obvious
If this air burns my lungs
Why do I keep breathing it?
If this fire scorches my feet
Why keep taking steps?
Maybe I love the sweetness of pain
Maybe it hydrates my soul
Maybe chaos is so familiar
I built it's home in my heart
Like a dark wine, intoxicating
This joy is but an illusion
One taste never enough
To reach satisfaction
If I know I can be good
Why are the choices so difficult?
Why does kindness feel like pain
And pain feel like home?

From the moment I wake up, you are
everywhere. From my thoughts, to my memories, I
cannot escape. Wondering if you deleted my number,
deleted me from your life, and simply trying
to piece together how you so quickly stopped loving me
had you ever begun.
In my phone, though your name is changed, I cannot yet
force myself to delete the only proof I have that we
ever meant something to you: those messages saved from
the days when you said you loved me and hinted at forever.
When did that all change?
In the bag of my miscellaneous possessions you returned to me, my
sweatshirt still smells of your perfume and detergent
I love it and I hate it. Just
that intoxicating candied scent returns my mind to a better place, one
curled next to you, falling into the sapphire sanctuary of your eyes, yet
that place no longer exists and as I make that realization
everything inside my body dies.
My heart cramps up and stings like bleach down a raw throat
My stomach burns with nausea though
I have not eaten in days.
Despite having removed our photos from their home next to my bed
they lied awake upon my desk until a friend noticed
and quickly stashed the poisonous laminates into a drawer,
out of sight, to try to offer a break to my aching
eyes, swollen as my heart from the continuous river of memories
complemented with uncontrollable rapids, soaking my hands.
But it still kills me because even without the visual reminder, I know
that you printed those devils but a week ago.
I don’t know what changed so suddenly
But I know me. And you didn’t.
I know me, and I know I need help.

Heavy, the dark clouds descend
Pressing down upon my shoulders.
I fall to my knees as I try to scream,
But my lungs will barely breathe.
Thick ash coats my throat,
The sweetness of death
Dancing across my tongue.
Thoughts like electricity
Shocking all of me,
Interchangeably.
Forehead meets concrete with desperate force;
The pain a mere whisper
Against a raging wall of emotions.
I beg for death to break this hell
My own consciousness the walls of this prison.

On the outside I am calm:
Still, silent, high-functioning.
The gift of my survival,
Now the curse that's killing me.