Suddenly I'm the magazine stuffed
Between your mattress and box spring
A corner folded down to keep place
Of the picture that gets you excited

Submerged in murky secrecy
Covered in a sticky substance
Visited when no one is around
When your desire is too loud

This paradox has hands
Dancing and groping
Molesting the serenity
Stealing golden sunshine
Ticking and running
Halting unwarned

And it won't let me go
Holding too tightly
Clinging to my frame
Speaking in tongues

Grandfather cuckoo
Unveil your secrets
Allow me to disrobe
Burst into silver stars
Scattering all around
To never be found

At this point I am absolutely aware
Birds have nibbled the whole trail
Of crumbs scattered loosely behind me
For you to follow and for you to find me

Nothing is worth measuring time
Dusk to dawn to candles burning out
Candles being blown out surrounded
By people and laughter and nothing

A dream found damaged and gathered
In my basket while on a visit to grandma
Heart ripe red and silver spoon fed to you
Only to become the evil queen at the end

Decomposing flesh somewhere secret
Where ribs have become a latter
For the wild roses to climb
Accompanied by the ivy vines
Baby's breath and aromatic thyme

No soil covering like that of a duvet
Fully exposed yellow green and gray
Sun-dried freshly plucked from life
Crown of flowers sitting crooked
Lips curved as if they were smirking

Because I made you promise me
When oxygen escaped me forever
To drape me amongst the fauna
In the exact location that you whispered
"I wish you were ******* dead"

In an alternative universe
Two glasses clink together
Sauvignon Blanc paired with
Delicious garden picked
Raw ******* in moonlight
Smile stretching from
Sea all the way to sky

Arms wrap my expanse
Twinkle in your glance
As our eyes sleepily together
Watch the sun claim the sky
With birds lightly singing
A lullaby to drift away into
Champagne bubble dreaming

In an alternate universe
My dreams did bear fruit
Sweet from green lush vines
Aging with finesse like wine
Sometimes I go back to visit
Where sky collides with sea
To scribble letters into bottles

Letters you will never read

Burnt orange eyes,
Craving those brooding,
Deep voice cooing,
Decadent and distorted.

Undeserved inquiry,
Lips pursed and thirsty,
Caution tape ignored,
To be your crime scene.

Mascara on your cheek,
Lipstick bleeding,
Bite marks impressed,
Of course with warning.

Burnt orange eyes,
Specs of red glimmer,
Might you be the saint,
And I the sinner.

Feet first into the cosmic sea
Swelling and crashing over
All our buildings and dreams
Forever is a children's fable
Sit and watch me start to fade

Green spec on the wonder bread
And totally unnoticed she'll spread
Until every slice is perfectly saturated
And eventually tossed into the trash
And eventually tossed into a landfill

Feet first into the cosmic sea
Where we do go when breathing ceases
Deceased and tossed into the trash
And eventually tossed into a landfill
With all the other promises of forever

Friction of index and pointer finger
Dragging gently over lips and chin
With pupils fixated on tongue and teeth
Breath slowly exiting our soft temples
Eyelids flutter closed for quick moments
Of glimpses into grand starlit nirvana

Teeth pressed into flesh
I want my head on your chest
Fingers twirling my hair
Our particles are everywhere

Friction of hand closed over throat
Squeezing and in some time releasing
With iris's diving deep in mine glowing
Smile bursting from sinister tempting
And soon your fingers will be in my hair
Our particles spreading out everywhere

An appetite for the unobtainable
Red light glowing from your exit sign
Dark honey licked eyes overpowering
My ocean salt brined tear drops smiling

Skin cells on my skin cells
Lips enveloping my lips

An appetite for the untouchable
Her perfume dances around your aura
Those sweet honey brown iris's
Gazing far off away from me

Skin cells on her skin cells
Lips enveloping her lips

An appetite for the unavailable
Hazy bar lights flicker to darkness
Your eyes no where to be found
My oceans are filling and spilling

Skin cells on my skin cells
Lips enveloped in honey bourbon

There are no children laughing
Playing hopscotch in the driveway
With a manicured lawn and pretty
Flowers in boxes attached to the windows

There's no degree framed in my office
Actually there isn't an office at all here
Inside this lived in two bedroom flat
Where I spend as much time as possible

There's no sleek foreign sports car
Candy apple red glimmering in the sun
Or vacation home nestled somewhere
I can't pronounce to go once a year

There aren't six figures in my account
Or country club lunches with the girls
Black card shopping sprees in the city
Or box seat opera season tickets

There is glitter on my eyelids
And an immense feeling of gratitude
When I wake up happy and free
Unapologetic and authentically me

I'll beckon the flames to rise again,
Brush off the dust that infests.
Temperature growing with my breathing,
I want every spec of darkness within.
Show me the being you hide inside,
Sadistic and thirsty for pleasure pleading.

Destroy the rage inside my soul,
Dissect what's left for you to soil.
I'll bow my head in understanding,
Lick my lips as you **** me.

This labyrinth of love inspires me,
Hide and seek in fields of flowers...
They say the itch will go away,
I'm raw from anticipation.
Come quickly into my embrace,
It's really the safest place.

Destroy the rage inside my soul,
Burn all that was ever soiled.
I'll bow my head in understanding,
Scream out loud as you **** me.

I'm keeping the last drop in the drawer
Beside me inside my bedside table
Where once both of our things littered
Atop that cheap Ikea wrongly assembled
Square that posed as a treasure chest
And doubled as dining table and trash can

The last drop of romantic feelings
That weren't dead on impact upon
The drunken uselessly endless aggressive
Words spat sitting at the kitchen table
Where I was fighting to be numb
And you were fighting to be loved

When I'm healthy enough to gear out of
Autopilot and back into attempting to try
Accepting the rush of human experience
I can put that drop under microscope
And get experimental with how to love
Without purposely trying to drown myself

Mesmerized by your dark eyes
Under gas station florescent lights
Rummaging through deep pockets
Demanding money be put in the bag
Emphasis on the curse words with
Ripe and rosey dried cracked lips

Malevolent spirit doing a danger dance
Enticing me into your territory

Decadence in your worldly hatred
A bitter sweet flavor on my teeth
Demanding and forever ******
Dismal with a soft sweet center
Yes. I'll see you on the other side.

I've gotten too old for this angst
Paint on my smile alongside
My contour and eyelashes
My pain is a personal serving

I'd like to think time served here
Means something for later on
When I collapse in my grand finale
Curtains close and the symphony stops

You have no idea the lengths I go
To keep this silly old show on the road
Pointless battles on bathroom floors
The shadows kept behind closed doors

But, I've gotten too old for this angst
So I stay grateful and wide awake
Never biting the hand that feeds
Wiping crumbs and dirt from my knees

Saccharine manic pixie dancer
Holes in her nose and in her teeth
Hands outstretched above her head
Reaching for stars and relief

Saccharine disassociated baby doll
Spending days declining asleep
Whispering about her pain and dreams
Until she can stand tall just to fall again

Saccharine neon party princess
Well rested and preparing for the chase
Lips on lips and nose pretty powdered
Dosed eyes close heavy after sunrise

And when I've made the descent
All there is to ask for is a clean break
Easier for the bone to set together
Fuse back into what it used to be

Caught frozen in frame
Waiting for it to melt away
Fast forward through the dark
Clenched fists and screaming

Appreciate the solitude
Healed bones and muscles
Dance beneath the moon full
Just the spirits and I alone

This plague is disastrous...
No casualties quite yet,
But my skin does bubble,
And my soul itches constantly.

I'm sure you're somewhere,
Doing something with someone,
Letting me drop so far
Into your unvisited archives.

Back with the forceps,
And your grand confusion,
Of who or what you thought
You needed to be.

The cough has calmed,
Dreams grow a little strange,
I think of you only once in a while,
But you still are my plague.

Breeze felt from your wings,
Hovering like a humming bird,
When my heart is steady,
And my body fast asleep.

Lips caress my cheek,
And your gaze burns my face,
But I refuse to wake,
Because I'm stubborn.

Your breath invades my dreams,
Stealing away my hiding place,
And a thundering whisper calls,
For me to draw the curtains.

Crystal clear,
This bitter sweet memory,
When time was golden,
And everything was fine.

Ash soon did cover,
And not much was clear.

Until the other day,
You sat on my porch,
Crystal clear,
And I felt alright.

The smoke was an offering,
Mostly to memory,
And all I lost,
When your flame died.

Feeling somewhat lost,
Understanding myself,
Control is necessary,
Kindling my desire.

Make art with me,
Everything must go.

Heart in your hand,
Aching for the squeeze,
Reaching for the kiss,
Deprived and prepared.

Contortions and words,
Blended into bliss,
Awaiting midnight,
To kiss the stars.

North wind is angry,
The chimes sing heavy,
Hands cupped and catching,
Refreshing breeze.

To me it's not a craft,
It's an understanding,
Of completely being,
And completely letting go.

Two rooms,
One is sea foam green,
And the other is burnt orange,
And they are always full,
Of ****** and guitar.

Aggressive strumming echos,
Over ambulance sirens,
And flashes of red and blue,
Accustics bounce around,
As ****** does ensue.

Singing from the seafoam room,
Screaming from the orange,
And they harmonize together,
Delivering a bizarre comfort,
Listening to ****** and guitar.

Realistically,
My house could collapse,
At this exact moment,
While I sit here pondering;
Writhing in the glimmering
Aftermath of yet another
Fantastic anxiety attack.

Every morning is a success,
A battle finished in my favor;
Especially with these walls,
Standing strong around me.
For some reason my anxiety,
Is afraid of daylight,
So I savor sunshine.

Desire is only funny,
When it's gone.
Diluted to only water,
Where when tasted,
You feel refreshed,
and not disgusted.

My desires remain,
and when rage boiled,
They didn't evaporate,
But turned into syrup...
Concentrated,
And gross to taste.

Gross to talk about,
***** to remember,
And painful to the tongue,
Where once you were,
Essence sitting,
And I swallowed...

More than once.

Desire is only funny,
When it's gone.
Diluted to only water,
Where when tasted,
You feel refreshed,
and not disgusted.

My desires remain,
and when rage boiled,
They didn't evaporate,
But turned into syrup...
Concentrated,
And gross to taste.

Gross to talk about,
***** to remember,
And painful to the tongue,
Where once you were,
Essence sitting,
And I swallowed...

More than once.

Pure thoughts come too,
At night when I think of you;
Like the brightness in your eyes,
And sincerity of your smile...
Small details that wouldn't matter,
To anyone who only glanced.

I'm a fool for thinking of you,
Because it ends before it starts,
But how swiftly sinks the heart,
And your grin pulls at my strings.

Soon our conversation will die,
And the pressure will subside,
While I watch your number sink,
To the bottom of my cell phone.
Because it ends before it starts,
And so swiftly sinks the heart.

A part of me is ready,
To find a great adventure,
And live fully in the 'now'.
But I can't do that right now,
And it gives me anxiety.

To think too far ahead,
I get lost and uncomfortable,
And I don't return the same.
The 'now' is here and present,
And I'm so scared of change.

Tomorrow doesn't often come,
Because I never let go of today,
And yesterday is just repeating,
and 'now' is not okay,
I can't plan that far ahead...

But,
A part of me is ready.

If there's a space inside,
I'd love if I could occupy.
Two patches just waiting,
To be sewn to a denim jacket.
Perhaps side by side?
Fibers barely touching.

I'd be happy to be your company,
Growing into gentle brush strokes.
Sunlight setting your eyes on fire,
Amber glow that keeps me warm.

If there's a space inside,
I'd very much like to occupy.
Destroy that vacancy sign,
And turn your heart into home.
Just two patches who,
Finally found their jacket.

Stretch the muscle to feel,
Find only air and familiar void.
Skin seems lame in a shade of gray,
Where scars hold no more memory.

Loss is a nasty whisper,
Beckons you to be alone,
Then punishes when lonely,
Crashing into a sea of gray.

A smile once was alive,
But now is forced mechanics.
Loss is a nasty whisper,
That progressed to shouting.

Dry assumptions,
You know what they say.
Ridicule without wonder.
Just a scratchy throat,
A hollow cough,
and a request for water.

A slew of basic questions,
Like a prepared selection,
A magic uninterested eight ball.
A scratchy throat,
A hollow cough,
an excuse to focus elsewhere.

Dry assumptions,
You know what they say.
A slew of basic questions,
Ridicule without wonder.
A magic uninterested eight ball,
Is asking for some water.

Limbs intertwined isn't enough,
For this kind of twisting vine.
Where substance is the water,
To this fertilized soil.

Forming cracks from the lick,
Of dry desert sunlight.
Where once a great lake roamed,
But was used up in his youth.

Orange warmth felt nice,
Until it turned everything brown.
The lush vine died without the lake,
And the sun had no one to entertain.

I can't put my finger,
On this scent that lingers,
Between these four walls.
A smile starts to form here,
But fades into gloomy lines,
I'm unaware as to why.

Locked doors behind my eyes,
Pounding until I'm asleep.
There's something decadent,
Gracing the air in this room.
Lips blurry and in no hurry,
To choose an emotion.

My lids flutter to a closed sign,
No lights or occupied bar stools,
But faint music echoes whispering,
The pounding is now soft bass.
And I can fully see your face,
And smell your laundry detergent.

When the sun came up,
The ocean ate her.
She sat on the beach
and patiently waited.

Starlight spoke to her,
Before the sun took over.
Planted the seed deep,
She'd be dead at dusk.

Fear has a sour taste,
She never got used to it.
Anticipation made her sick,
Ignorance helped it grow.

The shore was serene,
The sea was on fire.
Her feet were frigid,
Her body soon followed.

Scotch tape and super glue,
To keep me all collected.
Chewing gum and safety pins,
Those also work in a pinch.

Cement strapping me down,
When I just want to float away.
Counting sheep gets boring,
These days everything is dull.

Feelings are hard to organize,
Sometimes harder to express.
I can be really fine on the outside,
But this interior is a mess.

Some days I want to unravel,
Let everything just slip away.
My hands are calloused and dry,
From gripping too **** tightly.

I wonder how it feels to be weightless,
To forgive and forget and breathe.
To wake up refreshed and ready,
No glue or gum or pins or tape.

Crash landed before midnight,
No clear mission was given.
Light surrounded my cradle,
Quickly collected information.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
The challenges grew rougher.

My hands stayed pretty soft,
My heart was full of light.

Crash landed into his arms,
Not old enough to understand.
Light surrounded his mattress,
I softly stroked his cheek.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
Home when my heart cracked.

My hands stayed pretty soft,
My heart had lost some light.

Crash landed into a new home,
Everything I'd lost was found,
Light surrounded that house,
My panic faded in lacy wisps.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
Home when the casket closed.

My hands stayed pretty soft,
My heart was now a hole.

Crashing and careless,
Everything stayed ruined.
Light packed up and left,
Panic moved back in.
I barely moved an inch,
Adapt or die.

My hands stayed soft,
My heart found a spark.

Crash landed into reality,
Where no one had waited.
Light flicked and then stayed,
I evicted my anxiety.
Quivered, crawled, and ran,
Into the morning with a plan.

Furniture wrapped in plastic,
Clocks and crosses hug the walls.
Pastel colored trinkets on the shelves,
Silence fills each corner of the room.

Flowers on the kitchen table,
Falling one petal at a time,
She dives into the blue,
With a cozy glass of wine.

Coffee with one sugar,
English muffin dry,
Bird watch til nine, then
Days of our lives.

Tunafish on toast,
Water with fresh lime,
A passage from the Bible,
To forgive her of her crimes.

Dinner is a Xanax,
To give her that soft glow.
Her eyelids start to flutter,
Her dreams start to flow.

She's lived like this for years,
Probably always will.
Pills, prayer, and trinkets,
And Jesus as her thrill.

I've tasted the bitterness of cruelty,
And sat in a circle of salt to purify;
There I was able to quiet my mind,
And sweeten what was left behind.

Anger has heated my flesh before,
To a rose licked hue of rage;
Decisions were made to ignore,
I found wisdom without the age.

I've felt the hug of cool blue,
and the rain that always follows;
Found myself almost six feet down,
But I refused to be hollow.

Branches reach out gently,
To stoke the moons cheek;
And to remind her she is lovely.

In return she shines brighter,
And his leaves vibrantly glow;
And she reminds him he is strong.

Her phases constantly change,
And seasons steal his leaves,
And they drift apart for a while.

They do this dance each year,
And the circle goes around,
They are lovely and in love.

The worst memories are the cleanest,
Visited so regularly no dust collects,
No spiders crawl in to spin their webs.

The walls are yellowed with smoke,
And the table's water damaged with rings,
From all the hours spent there pondering.

The worst memories are the cleanest,
Organized daily to keep them clear,
Polished and treated like a shrine.

The curtains are heavy and allow no light,
The air is heavy and tastes like the sea,
Once you're there it's hard to leave.

Warmth like sunlight at night,
But you can stare and not squint.
Cells tingle beneath the weight,
Never crushed just tickled.
Breath leaves in soft waves,
That crash against rocky shores.

Ships collide,
And ships sink.

He's a cosmopolitan queen,
He's content on his knees,
He feeds from the screams,
and the souls he redeems.

He's got a complex mind,
He appreciates the grind,
He always takes his time,
A master of his crimes.

He's simple but complex,
He's an incredible wreck,
He whispers on your neck,
And answers to your beck.

He's a cosmopolitan queen,
He'll bring you to your knees,
He'll infiltrate with ease,
and he'll take what he needs.

Could my soul mate be,
A tree in a field all alone,
Or a street painter in Paris,
Or an opulent Arabian king.

Could my soul mate be,
A stone in a babbling brook,
Or a wise old widower,
Or a shaggy urban pan handler.

Could my soul mate be,
Also trying to search for me,
Or has the world made them hard,
Or has someone put out the flame.

Could my soul mate be,
The complete opposite of me,
Or are we eerily similar,
Or do we not even care.

Could my soul mate be,
Here sooner than later,
Or do I have to wait forever,
Or do they just not exist.

Clouds spread in shapes above my face,
Where the grass had morphed into pillows.
Not much thought tread through my mind,
During that beautifully sought quiet time.
To my side spread out a collection of trees,
Rustling against the breeze and calling me.

I never payed much attention to the sound,
Until the canvas was totally free of clouds.
Curiosity clenched it's hand over mine,
Without resistance we followed the noise.
The sun began to chase the horizon,
But there was a light not much further.

My pace quickened trying to find,
That strange glow in the dark forest.
Time never once crossed my mind,
I had no recollection or measurement,
Of how long I had been chasing the light.
All I knew was that I would bask in it.

The sun never rose again,
I never left that forest.
The glow teases me still,
As if I hadn't realized.
My legs never tire,
And I've no need to breathe.

Perhaps I can't be understood,
Despite the blatant simplicity.
Has it been a curse the whole time?
Have I been blind and wrong?
All I know is what I feel,
And everything I feel kills me.

This voyage is a challenge,
I've felt brittle a long while.

There's a longing that's been there,
Since I could even remember.
I've been left alone for so long,
Finding normalcy in my bubble.
All I know is what I feel,
And everything I feel kills me.

Loneliness tastes like pavement,
Licked that time I fell,
Hard onto my face.

That time I tried to pretend,
That I was exactly the same,
As those sad boys around me.

I was the saddest of them all,
Angry and eager to fall,
With no one to help me.

Bandages removed with haste,
Love quickly turned to waste,
I took notes and grew.