You were always told that the answers you sought were inside you... residing in your body. But you never quite knew how to get them out. You resorted to cutting yourself open, you searched the scarlet letters that poured out but none of them spelled any words. It was like you were looking at a can of alphabet soup that had spilled it's contents onto the floor. And much like that can, after you spilled your contents, you too were empty. You cleaned up the mess but the inside was hollow and you still didn't have your answers.

I don't know how many times I've told you that I'm fine with it. And I think part of the reason I've reassured you so much is because I'm also reassuring myself. Thing is, I'm lying through my teeth. And, God, it hurts. I am so tired of feeling like I'm second best. I'm tired of broken promises and I'm tired of never coming first. I'm tired of salty streaks running down my cheeks and I'm tired of being so ******* confused. I'm not fine with it. I'm not fine with it. I'm not fine.

Dear High School Me,

Freshman -
It's not you. It's not your fault. You are who you are and don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. Don't change yourself to please them, it won't work. You'll be accepted, but still held at bay. You'll never truly be accepted by them, and that's okay. You don't need their acceptance. You are human, and so are they. They aren't better than you, and you aren't lesser than them.

Sophomore -
You've accepted yourself, congratulations! Focus on that during the rocky times. This year will be the hardest one of your life. You'll try to end your life before it can begin. The present is painful, but the future is beautiful... Focus on that. The "weird" behaviors you have right now are coping mechanisms, don't be too ******* yourself. Your body is trying to protect you. Let it. When they follow you into the bathroom and you feel like you're in danger, listen to that feeling. Don't start blaming yourself, none of this is your fault. When they stalk you, and tell you that they're broken and utterly in love with you even though they've never met you before, that is a sign of psychosis, not a sign that you need to fix them. Don't let them guilt you into doing things you don't want to. This year will end, things will start to look up.

Junior - Don't let her guilt you into befriending your stalker. Use your backbone, you have one for a reason. You're allowed to dislike people. Especially people who stalked you. (seriously self, *** were you thinking?) Sing. Sing loudly and sing proudly. Don't be scared. This is what you love. Keep looking up. You will get out of this town this year. You'll go to a place where people accept you. You'll find your passions. You'll find yourself again.

Senior - This is your year of recovery. Use it wisely, but don't be scared when it comes to an end. You can't put off life forever.

Dear Present Me, you're a performer. You adore theatre. You have goals and passions and you're in college perusing them. You're singing, and learning, and loving, and laughing, and being you. And I am so, so, proud of you.

My heart continues beating
My mind continues wandering
My lips continue to sing
My lungs continue breathing
I am without you
But I continue to live
You told me I couldn't
And I believed you
My thoughts told me I'd die
If you weren't here
And I believed them
But here I am
On my own
And still living

It's not that I don't trust you
It's just memories of the past
Warn me not to

I'm doused in pink
And people think
That I'm weak
If my palette was bleak
Would you think me strong?
You'd think wrong
I'm made of steel
And quick to heal
I may be covered in bows
But heaven knows
This princess is tough
My edges might not be rough
I may look like a fragile flower
But I hold so much power
My femininity doesn't make me
Some weak little daisy
Beautiful yet tough, like diamonds & pearls
Just like the girls with ribbons and curls

I'm done with you
Completely through
Calling me when you feel alone
But I'm too busy to answer the phone
It's final, your turn is up
You blew it, buttercup
Don't come crying to me
My love's not free
Sorry babe, you shot your chance
No time for one last dance
I'm walking out the door
Love doesn't live here anymore

Love is a two way street
And I won't walk down it
If you're not in the middle to meet
I won't put in all the effort anymore
I won't feel any remorse
When I look in your eyes & slam the door
So go ahead & take two hours to reply
I won't bother responding at all
Nor will I be around to watch you cry
You'll wake up every morning with a cup of regret
And I'll walk happily along my way
And you, I'll so easily forget

Many times I think that I'd like my life better without you in it, but
I* just can't shake the feeling that I'll miss you when you're gone, and even
Still I'm much too terrified that you won't miss me back.
So I'm not sure how to fix this situation I'm stuck in.

I fiddle with my phone, aggressively clicking shuffle - trying to find that perfect "f*ck you" song. I say I'm not bitter, and that I'm not hurt, but my breathing is ragged and my chest heaves but you're only paying attention to the stone cold expression on my face - so you don't notice the signs. I'll do all I can so that you never know how much damage that one small thing caused me. How one tiny shard of the glass that slipped from your tongue shredded me to pieces. I'll keep you in the dark and tell you I'm fine with more bite in my voice than intended. And I'll pray you didn't notice that my wall cracked for a second. And that you didn't see the broken girl hiding behind it.

The second I feel that you could possibly hurt me, I will run.
I will run and I won't look back.
I don't know if it's a bad habit.
Or if I'm just protecting myself.
But I will ******* run.
Don't make me run.

Your kindness befuddled me.
My coldness melted by your warmth.
You barely know me.
Yet you seem to care.

I prefer not to label myself.
I like to think I'm just a human, no need for any other descriptions.
But considering the occasion - the label my sexuality fits into is bisexual.
I am not ashamed.
I am me.
I love who I love.
I am bisexual.
I am human.

I once asked you what your favorite things were.
Your favorite movies, songs, books, places, people...
I was hoping my name would make that list somewhere amongst the things you held dear to your heart.
But everything's changed in such a short little year.
And now I wonder, if someone asks you if you have any regrets, people you wish you'd never spoken to, or situations you wish you'd never been in.
Will my name be on that list?

Was that you, my dear?
It was so brief
I hardly caught a glimpse
Why, it's been a year
Would you recognize me?
Have I grown too much?
I have this agonizing fear
That perhaps you don't want
To see me at all
And if you happen to peer
In my direction
And I catch your gaze
Would you sneer?
And look the other way?
Or would your heart still flutter
Hit by cupid's spear
So many possibilities
That brief moment could cause
And as I sit here
Contemplating the outcomes of a fleeting moment with you
I can't help but wonder
If you contemplate them too.

I should tell you, I should tell you
I stop breathing when you look at me
I should tell you, I should tell you
Your touch sends my heart into a tizzy
I should tell you, I should tell you
You make me feel free
I should tell you, I should tell you
The thought of your lips makes me dizzy
I should tell you, I should tell you
I want you and only you
I should tell you, I should tell you
I
      Love
                 You.

I always fall in love with the wrong person.
In the most ridiculous scenarios.
My heart just decides to fall.
And it falls for someone so wrong.
And so impossible.
That it's almost comical.
Almost.
It always hurts.
And I try to laugh at the ridiculousness of it all.
But, God, it just ******* hurts too much.

It's terrifying to watch her chest rise and fall
It's like she's not taking in any air at all
She lives and breathes like it doesn't matter if she dies
And behind her smiles and reassurance, there's sorrow in her eyes
She says she's fine and sometimes I think she might be
But if you look at  her closely, a broken girl is all you'll see
Her eyes are green and I think it suits her in a morbid way
Because her eyes are filled with envy when they watch other's happy smiles every day
When she tells me that it doesn't hurt anymore, I can see her hands shake
And when she falls into a dreamless sleep, I can hear her heart break
She walks through the streets with her head held high
But I think she just likes imagining being somewhere over the rainbow, past the grey sky
She's barely held together and fragile as can be
And the hardest part of it all is that she is me.

Somehow, my heart mended
It stitched itself up after
Being torn when we ended
My heart is filled with laughter
In places that used to be full of sorrow
The light found my eyes
And I found the promise of tomorrow
Although it came as a complete surprise
Time does heal all wounds
I was sceptical, it's true
But nowadays you don't make me swoon
My heart's long forgotten about you

No one told me how much it could hurt. No one told me how I could so easily I could fall back down after picking myself up. No one told me that even though it's bad to keep everything inside you, it's even worse to tell it to someone who doesn't care. No one told me how hard it would be to find someone who does care. No one told me that you could get so sad that you could actually feel your heart breaking. No one told me how hard this could be.

I don't know how to not push you away. I don't know how to deal with these feelings I can't convey. They're locked up inside my heart, my head, my chest, my lungs, my fingertips. You're looking right at me but you fail to notice how my consciousness slips. With every passing breath, my lungs become harder to use. I'm not listening to your words, I'm just wondering why internal wounds are so much easier to bruise.  The pain is still horrendous to feel. But to the world, if the wounds aren't visible, they're not real. It's like I'm being torn from the inside out. But I can't find my voice to let the monster out. And no one seems to notice if you're breaking inside. Everyone looks the other way, even when your tears refuse to subside. I'm too tired to fight. Maybe I'm crazy, maybe they're right.
But God, I thought crazy was supposed to be bliss. No one warned me I'd wind up like this.

Please.
For my sake and yours too.
Don't ******* love me.
Cause I can't promise I'll love you back.
And I can't promise I won't get attached.
The only thing I can promise,
Is that it won't be fair for you.
And it'll tear me to pieces
Because one part of me
Feels bad for not loving you
Like you love me
But the other part
Doesn't want you to stop
So please.
Just don't ******* love me.
Because I've built too many walls
Around my heart
And I can't tear them down
And I'd never ask you to
So don't ask me to let down my hair
And let you in.
Don't ask me to huff and puff
And blow my walls down
Because I'm not a princess in a tower
And I'm not the big bad wolf
I'm just a broken china doll
And my pieces are jagged
And I know you'll get cut
One one of my edges
So just spare us both the pain
And don't ******* try to love me.

How do you quiet the voices inside your head? They say such ugly things. At first I didn't believe them when they told me I was worthless. I gave them the cold shoulder when they said I was ugly. I scoffed at them when they told me I was weak. But I still hear them, and they still shout at me. And the more they insist, the more I believe the things they say. So how do I quiet the yelling that I can't control and the voices I can't escape?

Someone asked me about you today. So I had to play through the story again. And it's still just as painful as the first time. So I fished out from the very back of a drawer, that bracelet you bought me. It hadn't been touched for months yet it glittered despite it's collecting dust. Kind of like how my heart swells when I hear your name, but my mind always reminds me that you left and I shove the part of my heart that still loves you farther back to continue collecting dust until someone brings you up again. But beneath that dust laced with pain and bittersweet memories, that part of my heart still shines for you. Just like that bracelet.

It's been so long, but I still remember how it feels
To sit in a stuffy classroom, clicking my heels
Because there's no place like home and I want out of my confinement
To sit endlessly and pretend to care about another mind numbing assignment
With the tap of fingernails vigorously typing out a text
Shifty eyed, watching some amateur get caught and secretly hoping you're not next
The murmur of whispered plans for the weekend
And how desperately your body craves to sleep in
Elaborate excuses planned out to explain why you forgot your essay was due
The lies are getting crazier because the teacher has heard everything that's not new
Lunch is served but the food is cold, unidentifiable, and uncooked
There's no way through the sea of gossiping teens around your locker to get your books  
Your next class is the one teacher with a voice that's a little too monotone
And then the next is the one that always thinks she hears a phone
You worth is measured by a letter
And how many times you promise to do better
It's a system that's designed to break you
But you never let anyone see how much it shakes you
And at the end of the day it's gone by hideously slow
And you dread how you have to repeat it all tomorrow.

"You mustn't fall in love with a wild thing... You can't give your heart to a wild thing - the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they're strong enough to run into the woods. Or into a tree. Then into a taller tree. Then into the sky. That's how you'll end up... If you let yourself love a wild thing... You'll end up looking at the sky."
You'll never catch me
Get too close and I'll fly away
A wild thing doesn't love
A wild thing never stays
You'll never reel me in
All you can do is watch me as I go
A wild thing can only run
A wild thing needs to grow
You'll never put me in a cage
I'm too far for you to touch
A wild thing isn't yours to keep
A wild thing is just too much
You can't tame a wild thing, so don't bother trying.
Trying to love a wild thing always ends with crying.
So please don't go prying...
Or you'll have to watch the wild thing as it goes flying.

I have a case of the Mean Reds, it seems.
I'm not sure of what, but I am deeply scared.
Maybe I'm scared that my future might not align with my dreams.
Or perhaps I'm too busy doubting myself and wondering if you ever cared.
Possibly fretting over whether love is meant to be.
If my heart will be broken more than the times it's mended.
Petrified of what the universe plans for me.
Deeply unsure of why a myriad of beautiful things in my life have ended.
Worrying over whether I am good enough.
How will I achieve what I so desperately desire?
What if I can't make it when the times get rough?
So many frightening questions that I despise to even inquire.
I've got the mean reds and I'm just not sure.
What is it I'm so scared of?
And is there a cure?

Joy is David Bowie blaring on my record player. Show tunes pouring from my speakers and my lungs. Dancing to Come on Eileen at two a.m. Getting lost in a library. How I revert to being seven every time I go to Disney World. Happiness is when my fan mail reaches my favorite broadway star and they send me a signed playbill. Breakfast for dinner. Giving to someone and asking nothing in return. Knowing every word to my favorite films. Learning new things and discovering old things. Kitty paws and fuzzy cat bellies. Getting packages in the mail. Beauty is in an old book that's been worn with someone's love of it's story. Strangers who smile at you. People talking about their passions. Museums. Owls in flight that look like mystical creatures. Fairy tales and the people who believe in them.

There's so much to smile about.

So many strange coincidences
So frequently
That I almost believe
They are not coincidences
At all.

I don't know where I am anymore. And I don't know what to do. I don't know why it hurts. And I don't know why I love you. My heart has been twisted. My world turned around. I'm sick from the sudden changes. And I can't seem to put my feet on the ground. I think I'm having withdrawals. Or maybe I'm sick of the pain you bring. It may seem pathetic that I can't let go. But I can't deny how you made my heart sing. Maybe it sounds like a sad fairy tale for a reason. The stroke of midnight took you away. You disappeared without a trace. I never got to speak the words I craved to say. Maybe falling down the rabbit hole is my only way out. Maybe, just maybe, the deeper I fall... Your memories won't haunt me. No pain left at all. So I'll let myself drift. Through the confusion and wonder. When I find the ground there may be hope. Hope to break this sick spell I'm under.

Off* doesn't even begin to describe my sleeping patterns. As someone who has watched the sun rise before even having a wink of sleep on too many nights to even count, I have lost the privilege of just calling my sleeping schedule off. It seems every hour I spend awake, my body becomes more hyper aware of the fact that I cannot forget you. No matter how hard I try, you're still always lingering in some corner of my mind. But it's even worse when I sleep. Dreams bring the most bittersweet memories and fantasies to the forefront of my consciousness. Lingering kisses, proclamations of love, sweet nothings, all ripped away from me when reality sets back in. And which is worse? I can't decide. I've tried to avoid them both for so long and all it's gotten me is a particularly more than off sleeping pattern.

I cannot forget you. I think... No, I know, fate sent you to me. I love you. The way you've never left my head since the moment we met - over three years ago, proves that. I ache from the way I miss you. Your image has seared itself into my mind and your face forever haunts my every thought. Every waking moment and every moment I'm asleep, I think of you. I cannot escape the sound of your voice and I'm afraid I don't want to. I don't even know if you feel any sort of reciprocation of these feelings but god, I hope you do. Or I hope that you will. You told me you loved me before and I don't even care if you love me now. I was a child when you knew me. I can only hope to know you again, as an adult now. Not so young and naive. Older and wiser and still hopelessly in love with you. And although you've gone from me now I still pray, hope, wish that fate will bring you back. They say if you love something, let it go; if it comes back, it's yours. If it doesn't it was never yours to begin with. So I hand this to fate and hope that something will bring you back to me.

Magic spells
Casting enchantments
Only time tells
If wishes come true

Voodoo hexes
To destroy
What wrecks us
Try the witches brew

Magic genie
Grants three wishes
Do you see
They're all for you

Pixie dust
For extra luck
Because I must
Start anew

Magic wand
Spell book bindings
I'm quite fond
Of loving you  

Your drink I mix
Love potion
For a quick fix
To make your heart true

After all the spells
Enchantments
Hexes
Potions
And brews
It seems now
You love me too.

I heard you on the wireless back in 52
The love we shared always used to thrill
Lying awake intent at tuning in on you
Nowadays it's main priority is to ****
If I was young it didn't stop you coming through
Worlds apart and it rips our seam
You were the first one
You lived through the age and I'm barely nineteen
You were the last one
Our love riddled with complications
In my mind and in my car
You'd change the stations
We can't rewind, we've gone too far
It's too dangerous for me in your heart
Video killed the radio star

Every poem I write is about you
Every thought is laced with images of your eyes
And how they crinkled a little when you smiled
Every breath I take is labored because my lungs fill with memories instead of air and it becomes harder to breathe
Every sleepless night I spend thinking of your voice and how it sounded when the syllables you spoke formed my name
And every dream I dream is a fantasy of us that never came true because you left without notice
And now I'm stuck here trying to figure out how to stop my world from revolving around you.

I hate waking up before four pm because the day goes by so slow when you haven't slept most of it away. I remember when I was happy I couldn't find enough hours in the day but now there are just too many. I used to be upset at how fast my life flew by but lately I just want the day to be over with as soon as it starts. And I know I'll regret that someday but right at this moment  it hurts too much to care. There are so many things said about time and how you should never waste it... But I think I am a waste of time so what's the point anyway?

I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready for your emerald eyes to bat their way into my heart. I wasn't ready for my world to revolve around you. I wasn't ready for you to act like you cared. I wasn't ready to have you rip yourself away from me after I'd grown attached. I wasn't ready to try and develop a new habit to forget about my habit of loving you. I wasn't prepared for all the pain that comes from withdrawals. I wasn't ready to be used. I wasn't ready to be thrown away. I wasn't ready to battle these recurring dreams of me in your arms. I wasn't ready for my fantasy to be shattered by the harsh, cold, reality that you never cared.
I wasn't ready.
But who ever is?

My coffee is bitter
But my feelings towards you taste worse
And my coffee alleviates my headaches
You just cause them

Can a broken heart break?
Can crying eyes see clearly?
If I'm blind from the tears
That came from my broken heart
Then am I at the mercy of life?
Because as I lie here
Blind and broken
No self defenses
I'm helpless
Easy to break even further
Am I at the mercy of the gods?
Or is another person ******* me over?
How will I ever tell
With these tears in my eyes
I'm unable to see
Through these misty salt water lies
I'm at the mercy of something
That's not too merciful
Can you ever get out
Of the blind-broken-cycle?

I've never felt such yearning... To just march up to you and declare that I love you with every fibre of my being. But no matter how much I yearn to set my adoration free and take that weight off my shoulders, I have shackles holding me back. Iron shackles created from pure fear. Fear of the reaction that you'll give. I'm not scared of telling you, in fact I've never been so eager to tell anyone that I loved them in my life. But I'm terrified of what you'll say in return, because I can almost guarantee that the answer will not be "I love you, too."

I suppose it's possible to just disappear
In a world of six billion people
But I promise you that you'll never
Disappear from my heart

Some people feed off nothing but negativity and sadness. Don't get involved.

You can't fix people, they are the only ones who can fix themselves.

Be kind, but don't let yourself get walked on.

Embrace the things you love.

Not everyone is going to like you. That's okay.

You're going to make mistakes. It's human nature to ***** up occasionally.

Don't let anyone tell you that you're less than.

People may not understand what you're going through, but that doesn't mean they don't care.

Don't be afraid to live.

Not everyone deserves a second chance.

Don't let people guilt you into things. You're allowed to say no.

Today is yesterday's tomorrow. Don't waste it.

Never give up on your dreams.

"If you can dream it, you can do it"

I could give you a list of hand written "I miss you's" that would stretch to the moon and back but it still wouldn't convey to you just how my heart aches when you're away.  I could bend and mold to your every whim, do every single thing your heart desires, but I don't think you'd pick up on the fact that I'd give anything to keep you happy. I could tell you that your eyes are green with grey and gold swirling through them without even looking at you and you probably still wouldn't notice how much I stare into them. I've seen you at your worst, and at your best, and been right here throughout it all and still you haven't caught on that I love you.