I've cried tears of sorrow
And tears of joy
And as these tears spill from my eyes
I can't help but to wonder
If they both elicit the same reaction
Is it because there's happiness in the sorrow
Or sadness in the smiles.

Forget me not
I cant
Forget me not
You left your mark
Forget me not
I never will
Forget me not
I wish I could
Forget me not
You cut too deep
Forget me not
The pain may fade
Forget me not
The scars will remain
Forget me not
I'll throw you away.
Forget me not
The blade seemed to whisper.
Forget me not
It fell
Forget me not*
Straight to Hell.

I prefer not to label myself.
I like to think I'm just a human, no need for any other descriptions.
But considering the occasion - the label my sexuality fits into is bisexual.
I am not ashamed.
I am me.
I love who I love.
I am bisexual.
I am human.

Can't you see? Are you truly so blind?
The negativity that flows from your venomous lips only further poisons the world. Don't make anyone feel ashamed for loving something or someone. Whether you agree with it or not. Love is the cure, the answer, and the light in this world. Don't stamp out someone's light. Don't feed the darkness. Feed your light and let other's lights grow and watch the world become a bright and happy place.

I once rode the city bus in New Orleans
To rest my feet and see the town
A couple minutes in a young boy boarded
Took the seat across from me and sat down
"**** Love" was tattooed across his knuckles
Our eyes met and he looked at me knowing
And I just smiled and looked away
Abruptly, he asked where I was going
I told him I wanted to explore the city
He told me to steer clear of certain places
And told me which roads were safe
That some areas are dangerous for girls with pretty pale faces
We chatted for a while longer
And when we reached his stop he bid me farewell
I smiled and told him goodbye
Little did he know he gave me a grand story to tell
And I tell it frequently
My brief meeting with **** love boy
He gave me a memory to look on
When I need some joy
I'll always remember
People aren't always what they seem
And think of **** love boy
That I met in New Orleans

I am turning 18 years old
In one part of me lives a child
Full of wonder and hope
And in another lives a woman
Wise beyond her years
Neither of them fit my 18 year old body
If I am the woman
I am too mature
And too cold
And if I am the child
I am too naïve
And too trusting
I am turning 18 years old
And I'm lost in my own mind.

confidence
something I've not yet mastered
confidence is only doable
when I'm plastered
confidence
says more than words themselves
confidence is a book
that I tucked on the highest shelves
confidence
the unread page
confidence in the book of social skills
why learn it when I've got these pills?

Off to Disney
Haven't been since I was five
Guaranteed to be happy
If you keep the magic alive

Magic spells
Casting enchantments
Only time tells
If wishes come true

Voodoo hexes
To destroy
What wrecks us
Try the witches brew

Magic genie
Grants three wishes
Do you see
They're all for you

Pixie dust
For extra luck
Because I must
Start anew

Magic wand
Spell book bindings
I'm quite fond
Of loving you  

Your drink I mix
Love potion
For a quick fix
To make your heart true

After all the spells
Enchantments
Hexes
Potions
And brews
It seems now
You love me too.

I'm doused in pink
And people think
That I'm weak
If my palette was bleak
Would you think me strong?
You'd think wrong
I'm made of steel
And quick to heal
I may be covered in bows
But heaven knows
This princess is tough
My edges might not be rough
I may look like a fragile flower
But I hold so much power
My femininity doesn't make me
Some weak little daisy
Beautiful yet tough, like diamonds & pearls
Just like the girls with ribbons and curls

I'm the human embodiment of self destruction
I hurt myself until I can barely function
You're worthless, I hiss
Why am I like this?
My skin has scars from self harm
I rip apart my own arms
Bruises from punching walls
I just say they're from nasty falls
The second I feel happy
My mind won't let that be
I tell myself hideous things
The second my heart sings
I crave to be alive
But my body only thrives
On self loathing and hate
Is this really my fate?
Am I doomed to hurt every day?
What kind of a life is worth living this way?

I don't know how many times I've told you that I'm fine with it. And I think part of the reason I've reassured you so much is because I'm also reassuring myself. Thing is, I'm lying through my teeth. And, God, it hurts. I am so tired of feeling like I'm second best. I'm tired of broken promises and I'm tired of never coming first. I'm tired of salty streaks running down my cheeks and I'm tired of being so ******* confused. I'm not fine with it. I'm not fine with it. I'm not fine.

I'm a traveler.
I traveled to Italy.
I traveled to France.
I traveled to run away from you.
But you were there.
Every time.
You were in the waters of Venice.
And the in lights of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
You were in the roads of Germany.
And the winds in Spain.
You were in the sands of Egypt.
And in England, you called my name.  
No matter where I go.
On this planet of green and blue.
You're a part of me.
And no matter how far I travel,
I can't run from myself.
And I can't run from you.

Can a broken heart break?
Can crying eyes see clearly?
If I'm blind from the tears
That came from my broken heart
Then am I at the mercy of life?
Because as I lie here
Blind and broken
No self defenses
I'm helpless
Easy to break even further
Am I at the mercy of the gods?
Or is another person ******* me over?
How will I ever tell
With these tears in my eyes
I'm unable to see
Through these misty salt water lies
I'm at the mercy of something
That's not too merciful
Can you ever get out
Of the blind-broken-cycle?

Perpetual sadness
That's all this is
Just a melancholy mind
And a black soul
Twisting together  
To create a darkness
That envelops every
Happy emotion I have
Until they become
Nothing more than
Neutral, dull, nothingness
I can't feel exitement
My laughter is always forced
My smile never stays
My heart always breaks
Perpetual sadness
That's all my life has become
A rerun
Of nothingness

Does it hurt when I walk by?
Knowing I don't give **** when you cry
You told me I was nothing but a *****
But don't play my game if you can't ******* pitch
Your emotional abuse doesn't work anymore
You can call me a ****, a fake, a *****
Call me what you want babe, but the tables turned
Cause this time you'll be the one to get burned
I took your **** for so long
Thought that if I stood up for myself it was wrong
Now I realize I don't have to put up with you
No matter what ******* you try and guilt me into
I'm not your ******* toy so don't try and play me
Cause it won't end well for you, baby.
So do me a favor and move the **** along
Cause my patience for you won't last long

I suppose it's possible to just disappear
In a world of six billion people
But I promise you that you'll never
Disappear from my heart

Joy is David Bowie blaring on my record player. Show tunes pouring from my speakers and my lungs. Dancing to Come on Eileen at two a.m. Getting lost in a library. How I revert to being seven every time I go to Disney World. Happiness is when my fan mail reaches my favorite broadway star and they send me a signed playbill. Breakfast for dinner. Giving to someone and asking nothing in return. Knowing every word to my favorite films. Learning new things and discovering old things. Kitty paws and fuzzy cat bellies. Getting packages in the mail. Beauty is in an old book that's been worn with someone's love of it's story. Strangers who smile at you. People talking about their passions. Museums. Owls in flight that look like mystical creatures. Fairy tales and the people who believe in them.

There's so much to smile about.

Broadway, my darling
She welcomes me in
Hugs me close
Like a long lost friend
Tells me that
I belong here
I'll be strong here
Never an outcast
When you're part of
Her cast
Sing your life away
In a beautiful play
And you can always come home
To broadway.

I'm not scared of death.
I'm not scared of pain.
I'm not scared of ghosts
Nor monsters.
I'm scared of myself
And what I'm capable of
How I treat myself behind closed doors
Cuts here and there
Blood stains underneath my nails
I'm scared that one day I'll end it
Before I even realize what I've done

None

What sets us apart as humans?
Our vast knowledge of things that don't matter
Perhaps
The common core standards that textbooks preach
Maybe
Our self absorbed selective minds
Or
The fact that we cut our skin to feel beautiful
Quite possibly
The way we document every little thing we do
Or maybe
The way we measure our worth in the number
of likes on that selfie we posted
But I think
Aside from the flawed society we live in
What truly sets us apart
Is our craving for love
The need to give it
And receive it
And whether or not that's a good thing
I've yet to decide

I'm falling down that rabbit hole
This love has taken its toll
Drifting through this swirling abyss farther down
I finally spot the ground
Feet planted firmly
A bustling tea party
Offer me a drink
Just a spot, the tea cups clink
Filled with who knows what
I want to run but
I'm growing
Overflowing
I need to find you
You'll know what to do
To get me out of this mad, mad, world inside
Without you, I can only run and hide
You are my bravery to help me defeat
The monsters I must beat
To get back to reality
The cat told me I must find my sanity
Without you it's not there
Just ask the March Hare
I'm mad without you by my side
Much like the hatter who uses his hat as a ride
Can't you see we're late?
For a very important date
We must get back now
We have no time to figure out how
We'll fight our madness together
Get out of this world forever
Fight the jabberwocky
To find the key
Back reality with you by my side
You are my bravery, my sanity, my pride

Dear High School Me,

Freshman -
It's not you. It's not your fault. You are who you are and don't let anyone make you feel bad about that. Don't change yourself to please them, it won't work. You'll be accepted, but still held at bay. You'll never truly be accepted by them, and that's okay. You don't need their acceptance. You are human, and so are they. They aren't better than you, and you aren't lesser than them.

Sophomore -
You've accepted yourself, congratulations! Focus on that during the rocky times. This year will be the hardest one of your life. You'll try to end your life before it can begin. The present is painful, but the future is beautiful... Focus on that. The "weird" behaviors you have right now are coping mechanisms, don't be too ******* yourself. Your body is trying to protect you. Let it. When they follow you into the bathroom and you feel like you're in danger, listen to that feeling. Don't start blaming yourself, none of this is your fault. When they stalk you, and tell you that they're broken and utterly in love with you even though they've never met you before, that is a sign of psychosis, not a sign that you need to fix them. Don't let them guilt you into doing things you don't want to. This year will end, things will start to look up.

Junior - Don't let her guilt you into befriending your stalker. Use your backbone, you have one for a reason. You're allowed to dislike people. Especially people who stalked you. (seriously self, *** were you thinking?) Sing. Sing loudly and sing proudly. Don't be scared. This is what you love. Keep looking up. You will get out of this town this year. You'll go to a place where people accept you. You'll find your passions. You'll find yourself again.

Senior - This is your year of recovery. Use it wisely, but don't be scared when it comes to an end. You can't put off life forever.

Dear Present Me, you're a performer. You adore theatre. You have goals and passions and you're in college perusing them. You're singing, and learning, and loving, and laughing, and being you. And I am so, so, proud of you.

My little suicidal sweet pea
Tells her pain and troubles to me
She gives up so often
Watching her heart soften
I've never been good at expressing how I feel
But without you my heart would never heal
Please stay
If only for another day
No one is better off without you
I promise you, it's true
Especially not me
You'd leave me in misery
You're the first who truly understands
The pain I've had to withstand
And I understand yours
So please don't close your doors
Continue telling me how you feel
My love for you is real
I'll take care of you as long as you need me to
Please my suicidal sweet pea, don't be so blue

I march along the pavement
Feeling incredibly lonely
Although I am not alone
I have my demons with me
Depression draped like a scarf
Resting over my eyes
I cannot see
Through it's myriad of lies
Anxiety whispering
Softly In my ear
You're not good enough
You don't belong here
My BDD stops me
At every mirror I pass by
I have to meet the standards
Of my demons perfectionist eye
I walk along shrouded
In my invisible darkness
You look at me and see a normal girl
You'd never guess I carry all this

So many strange coincidences
So frequently
That I almost believe
They are not coincidences
At all.

In the summer I fell in love
With a little city I found
My heart flutters every time I think of
That city full of sound
And maybe it was the voodoo
That made me so very keen
To keep coming back to that bayou
Down in New Orleans

I'm not always sure what I want
Or who for that matter
But I do know I need kisses that haunt
And linger on my skin
I want your teeth to graze my hips
I crave breathless I love you's
And soft warm lips
Getting lost in a sea of blankets
I want jealous angels from above
Because when they see us
They envy our endless love

I think I'll start introducing
Myself as "not good enough"
That's the thing
Never have been
I never will be
Hello My Name Is
Never good enough me
First name never
Last name enough
Being this way
It's pretty tough
But I might as well
Be honest right of the bat
Yeah, I'm not good enough
Thought I should tell you that.

Why am I in Algebra?
I don't understand a thing
You'll use it every day they tell me
But for my career, I want to sing.
Why am I in chemistry?
I don't understand a thing
You'll use it every day they tell me.
Even if I just want to sing?

Why are you failing?
They ask me.
Because I don't understand a thing.
You won't go very far with a grade like that.
You're just not listening.

I'm afraid it's you who won't listen
You see,
These things won't help one bit
Not with what I've chosen to be
This is complete *******.
I want to sing
Not multiply a and b
Orbital rings
Can't help me stay on key
Teach me what I can use
For what I want to be
Maybe then you won't lose
This student that you see

You complain about Jared Leto's speech because he didn't "thank a trans person" and instead delivered a timed and beautiful and empowering speech for his mother and for anyone else out there who was listening. It was an all inclusive speech and made many cry. Yet you complain because he didn't mention a trans individual. And I wonder, what all of you that are complaining have done for the trans community? Because if you truly want to help them, you should know that Jared Leto saying 'Hey Thanks' won't make their lives any easier. Instead of complaining about the things that aren't happening, get out there and do them. Make a difference in their lives. And then you can complain about **** that doesn't matter.

Your kindness befuddled me.
My coldness melted by your warmth.
You barely know me.
Yet you seem to care.

"You mustn't fall in love with a wild thing... You can't give your heart to a wild thing - the more you do, the stronger they get. Until they're strong enough to run into the woods. Or into a tree. Then into a taller tree. Then into the sky. That's how you'll end up... If you let yourself love a wild thing... You'll end up looking at the sky."
You'll never catch me
Get too close and I'll fly away
A wild thing doesn't love
A wild thing never stays
You'll never reel me in
All you can do is watch me as I go
A wild thing can only run
A wild thing needs to grow
You'll never put me in a cage
I'm too far for you to touch
A wild thing isn't yours to keep
A wild thing is just too much
You can't tame a wild thing, so don't bother trying.
Trying to love a wild thing always ends with crying.
So please don't go prying...
Or you'll have to watch the wild thing as it goes flying.

Hello?
No, my monster replied.
Too formal.
Hi?
But why, my monster replied.
I need a reason.
Excuse me miss,
Got the time?
Why am I so nervous?
This should be easy.
How could I possibly ***** up this?
Just go say something.
Anything.
Compliment her?
That'll seem weird, my monster replied.
She'll think you're a creep.
I'm just trying to say hi.
What kind of person can't start a simple conversation?
My monster replied.
Me.
That's who.
And you know why?
I replied..
because of you.

I wasn't ready.
I wasn't ready for your emerald eyes to bat their way into my heart. I wasn't ready for my world to revolve around you. I wasn't ready for you to act like you cared. I wasn't ready to have you rip yourself away from me after I'd grown attached. I wasn't ready to try and develop a new habit to forget about my habit of loving you. I wasn't prepared for all the pain that comes from withdrawals. I wasn't ready to be used. I wasn't ready to be thrown away. I wasn't ready to battle these recurring dreams of me in your arms. I wasn't ready for my fantasy to be shattered by the harsh, cold, reality that you never cared.
I wasn't ready.
But who ever is?

Decorations
That's all they are
Little pink
Decorations
Raised bits
Of my skin
Adorn my arm
The same way
Ornaments
Adorn
A Christmas tree
Decorations
My scars are
Decorating me

I'm 17
Almost 18
Young in years
Old in experience
5'10
Nearly six foot
Tall in feet
Short in confidence
Sharp tongued
Soft hearted
Strong outside
Weak inside
Alive in appearance
Dead in emotions
Light eyes
Dark soul
I'm deception
In human form

Today I was asked what emotion I'm afraid of
Love, fear, guilt, hatred, selfishness..
I wasn't too sure
But I think instead of specifics
I'm just scared of feeling
Love can break you
Guilt can make you do unthinkable things
Fear is what keeps you up at night
Happiness can be ripped away from you
Sadness can drown you
Emptiness is the only time i feel no fear
The lack of emotion
Nothing to live for
Nothing to die for
Nothing to be scared of losing
Emptiness is safe
So I'm afraid of feeling
It's dangerous to feel

Introverted
Extroverted
Procrastinator
I'll figure it out later
Socially awkward
Fashion forward
Emotionally unstable
Pick a label
Depressed
But well dressed
Tired eyes
See the lies
High heels
Too many feels
I have to become
Emotionally numb
Cause I strive
To survive
Know your place
Put on your brave face
Let them label you
They haven't got a clue
Who you are
Beneath that scar
They notice the imperfections
On every section
Of your body that they pick apart
But they're blind to the beauty of your heart.

It's not that I don't trust you
It's just memories of the past
Warn me not to

You're a dork
I kind of hate you
But gosh, you're cute
I'd really like to date you
You never get the hint
Where are you when I'm alone?
Would it absolutely **** you
To once in a while check your phone?
Are you really that unaware
That my heart beats for you?
That every time I leave my house
I search the city streets for you?
How many different ways
Can I spell it out?
I l-o-v-e you
Without a doubt
You **** me off
More than anyone else around
But when I'm without you I'm lost
And when I'm with you I'm found
I hate that I love you
But it seems that I do
So maybe, just maybe
Could you love me too?

It's been so long, but I still remember how it feels
To sit in a stuffy classroom, clicking my heels
Because there's no place like home and I want out of my confinement
To sit endlessly and pretend to care about another mind numbing assignment
With the tap of fingernails vigorously typing out a text
Shifty eyed, watching some amateur get caught and secretly hoping you're not next
The murmur of whispered plans for the weekend
And how desperately your body craves to sleep in
Elaborate excuses planned out to explain why you forgot your essay was due
The lies are getting crazier because the teacher has heard everything that's not new
Lunch is served but the food is cold, unidentifiable, and uncooked
There's no way through the sea of gossiping teens around your locker to get your books  
Your next class is the one teacher with a voice that's a little too monotone
And then the next is the one that always thinks she hears a phone
You worth is measured by a letter
And how many times you promise to do better
It's a system that's designed to break you
But you never let anyone see how much it shakes you
And at the end of the day it's gone by hideously slow
And you dread how you have to repeat it all tomorrow.

I'm not sure how to put it into words
But counting all these sheep
That travel in many herds
Won't aid me in drifting off to sleep
Although my eyelids threaten to close
And the yawns never seem to cease
It seems every time I nearly doze
When I'm all cozy in a blanket of fleece
An image of you flashes in my mind
And jolts me wide awake
And I can't seem to unwind
So please, for my sake
Tell me, darling, that you love me
Or even simply that you care
Because I'm riddled with uncertainty
And it's truly unfair
That you lie sound asleep at night
Blissfully unaware in your bed
No worries or cares in sight
While I'm awake with you in my head.

(Dont) miss me
(Run) cause I'm far away
(From) here to there
(This) love will follow
(Please) never forget
(Remember) my name
(Me) and my love for you
(Always) *remains the same

I still wait for it, you know.
That tiny sign that you still care.
You could merely say hello to me.
And I'd be happy beyond compare.
Please don't forget me.
I'm losing my faith in you.
I'm scared that I never meant anything.
Please don't let that be true.
I loved you, with everything I had.
You owned my heart for three whole years.
I gave you everything I could.
And all you gave me was an endless supply of tears.
Was I really that easy to forget?
You called me your angel.
I thought you'd never tell me a lie.
But now I see you weren't being truthful.
And this really is goodbye..

You were always told that the answers you sought were inside you... residing in your body. But you never quite knew how to get them out. You resorted to cutting yourself open, you searched the scarlet letters that poured out but none of them spelled any words. It was like you were looking at a can of alphabet soup that had spilled it's contents onto the floor. And much like that can, after you spilled your contents, you too were empty. You cleaned up the mess but the inside was hollow and you still didn't have your answers.