you don’t even know what love is;
but, it’s a nice thought,
that you might forever.

all we know is school,
i have to spend the rest of my life after either working nine to five,
or starve to make my dream come true,
and after all of that i’ll peak either ending,
and then all that will be left for me is death.

I want to be the girl everyone dies for,
I want to be insatiable,
I want to be everyone’s favorite,
Because I just wanted to be yours.

Everytime I see the letter E,
I instantly think of your name.
I can’t stop listening to our songs,
And wondering how they make you feel now.
Would it **** you to spend a little time with me?

who knew this wasted opportunity,
would reignite the flame,
behind every passion i burnt out?

i cant tell,
if it’s to make me feel better,
or in hopes you’ll find me attractive again.

green chain link fences
lost dogs foaming at the mouth
blood stains in my carpet
the texts buzzing my phone
i’m sorry
i’m sorry
i’m sorry

over and over again.
i only wanted to make you happy.

I have so many people who look up to me,
Golden roads underneath my feet,
That I’ve spent years paving,
So many friends that want to support me,

So why do I take it all for granted?
Why do I have these selfish thoughts?

when your friends ask you about me,
will you laugh at our memories?
will you mock our promises?
will you ridicule what we had?

do all those nights disgust you now?

How could every second of all our nights together mean so much to me,
And not even our promises mean anything to you?

Demon of the light,
Standing by my side,
Showing me the way,
Saying it’s okay,
The only person who makes me feel safe

i wish i never asked you if you still felt the same.
it doesn’t matter anymore.
i rather live in a lie than lose you.

i’m so sorry for everything.

you promised me you would never forget me,
did you forget that too?

your every message is like *******,
and your voice is like a sweet narcotic,
speaking to you alleviates all pain,
and the first night without you i felt sick.
you told me you’d always be there for me,
said you loved me, something only your mom hears,
was it true at all, or were you just weak?
because you’ve been gone and it feels like years.
we trusted each other with everything,
i told you no matter what i’ll feel this way.
all you said was thank you, i felt nothing.
whether the past was a lie or not, why do i still stay?

There are so many words that I want to ******* yell at you,
So many emotions coursing through me,
So many memories replaying in me,
So many questions I’m dying to ask you,

But I don’t want to embarrass myself anymore.

Every word you said haunts me,
Every night we slept together hurts me,
Every memory of us together terrorizes me,

Because I keep telling you how much I ******* love you,
And you used to feel the same.

How can all that mean so much to me,
And absolutely ******* nothing to you now?

Love really is cruel, isn’t it.

when i look into your eyes,
they reflect a million tiny memories.
when i see your smile,
each word that comes out reminds me of what you said.
how am i supposed to act like nothing happened,
when your sole existence screams it into my face?

A phoenix, A second chance
An angel, A devil,
A rescue, A ******,
Everything comes with a price,
And this ***** is an expensive *******

i loved you.
i wanted nothing more than to be with you,

so am i really okay breaking your heart like this?
intentionally playing the villain is just so much easier,
than having to explain a loss.

sometimes i think that i still do.

i felt miserable,
the crushing self rejection,
that a lover cannot fix,
the acceptance of being what broke you before.

but,
i stopped,
and realized i wasn’t alone,
for i was surrounded by garnets.
Twinkling, beautiful, crimson friends.

maybe it’s not so bad after all

i can’t commit to anything
can i?

not people,
not plans,
not schedules,
nor times,
i can’t even do a daily write daily.

i have everything i could have ever wanted..

so why won’t this aching feeling go away?
why do i still drag my feet along?

when the bridge i am walking on is made of solid gold?

did i push myself too far?
the shaking post workout?
the moons rise after the suns char,
is this what they call burnout?

if i want to get big,
my goals have to get bigger

if i “love him so much”,
i have to be the best for him

so i’m going to be the best
<3

How am I supposed to sleep
When every move you make,
Makes me scream?

How am I supposed to sleep
When every breath you take,
Makes me shake?

How am I supposed to sleep
When you’re here on the phone,
Right next to me?

i was not expecting that our ending,
would make me feel so relieved

is it my fault,
that that’s what you grew up to be?
did we play too much army?
let you touch too much of me?
we were only seven darling,
always down the street running,
did you ever know?
of your daddy screaming
our buddy bleeding
your mommy’s drinking
of our glasses shattering?
or were you blind like me, too?
was there something i could have done, if my eyes were open too?

my colorful insides have never felt so gray

I know that I really ****** up this time.
I can’t say a word about this at all.
In the end, I’m all that’s left on my side.
Only I pick myself up when I fall.
Don’t trust anyone, just keep up the hustle.
I’ll find a way to pull out from my grave.
Crank it out, don’t wait out, fire the pistol.
I don’t care bout how hard it is, be brave.
Marbled glass, hard to see through, but crystal clear.
No more vulnerability, no more time.
Just.
Haul.
***.

Even though I know I’m down to get ****** and crash,
Don’t stop till I drop.

I hear the crickets,
It's like she's next to me on the grass
Not on a receiver in my room
Because it was quiet
Only crickets purring
and I felt warm.

What am I doing,
crying alone in the dark?
What am I doing,
up at 3 am every single night?
What am I doing,
when I could just talk it out with you?

My world is void without your freckles.

I love you
And I could never leave you
Yet I'm so distraught
This pain,
Oh this pain
I'm so distressed
But you can't change the past

But I just can't heal.

I feel as though I've lived a thousand years,
Experienced all that there is to see,
The blood, the lies, the sweat, the pain, the tears,
Reborn, as year after year seems to flee.
Learned how it feels to rely on others,
Have walked the road entirely alone,
Lived both with and without a real mother,
Learned when love and when hate was to be shown,
Tried out everyone, have done everything,
Figured out who really was a no-go,
Felt the wrath of love, even have a ring,
But learned I do so much better solo,
I feel utter clarity, all lives trashed,
Does that mean it will all finally fade to ash?

Open yourself up
Let them all in
Set boundaries, just hush
The drop of a pin

Which is the right answer?

The pure ripples;
The memories stippled,
The innocence clear;
See-through, but full of fear,
And the beauty,
The beauty of the little things,
Demolished by the bulldozers.
The bulldozers of destruction and change.

But is it a bad thing?

What if I dropped all my dreams and inspirations,
And just became a nonsensical philosophy major?

I may be a bad person,
But I am not the bad guy,
I've learned a toxic lesson,
And now I see why.

I see how all my friends see me,
I see you'll never understand,
I see my people-pleasing tendencies,
I see all you want to do is reprimand,

But I see that everyone is a bad person.

Who I think I am
Is a detestable
Vindictive
Obnoxious woman
As cold as a white blizzard
Raging on to the roughest mountains
I think I am the murderess
Sheathed in the dark forest
Jolting the tides of its pond
I think I am the uncaring father
Sinning in secret alleys
The most sadistic of killers
Calloused as a fist
Cut as sharp as a jewel

But
Who I really am
Is a confused
Fragile
Indecisive porcelain doll
As breakable as a shattered wine glass
On a wine-stained marble floor
I am the delicate blossom
Of a thorny bush
I am like a pond
Still but shaken
Waiting to show the world around me
That there are crystal shells under the murky water
I am not an insatiable destructive brat
But the scattered flowers of a glass vase
That was shattered by the brat

even the darkest minds can drip gold;
pink roses can bloom behind ****** chain link fences,
as leaves can stay orange as they float in puddles reflecting gray.

there’s always stars in the dark.

if i touch you, will i break you?
if i blink, will it all fall away?
if i space out, will this place fade back to what i once knew?
if i dare look away, will the sun fade?

perhaps the most complex feeling
is feeling everything at once
the sympathy of a lover
the cold from a friend
everything shattering at once
residue of a rainfall

pain flares
and the cold blooms
the heat of freezing
the coldness of mistakes
everything finally stood still
residue of a rainfall

the soft pitter patter pulling me through the night

the wind swirled around us in circles,
and the orange leaves fell around us,
a soft tornado of orange dismay,
and everyone around us fades,
it’s just you in my embrace,
diamond tears falling,
ticking time bomb,

there’s nothing worse than knowing how it all ends.

the heat that sits in my stomach,
as the gray messages fill my screen,
but in my soul,
in my mind,
they’re refracting rainbows like a cut jewel

Orange cigarette filter
Yellow full moon
Green lighter
Blue blue soul
Purple handle knife
Pink bloodshot eyes
Red, red blood

Soft pink socks
Silken hair
Honeydew eyes
Killer stare
Solemn god
Aged wine
Dainty hands
Angelic shine

Eternity at the fingertips of the lost
Trying to keep all the liquid melting out of my heart inside
The gods have never seen a love like ours
Sunlit soft skin, blossoming warmth
Eyes dripping the moons pure shine

Is this what they call paradise?