I wanted to be an astronaut
You wanted to be dead
But in the end
I ended up deep underground
Away from the earth’s surface
While you became a star in the night sky
Becoming one with the universe
I can’t reach to you from where I lay
But I know that you’ve look down at me
with the cosmos on your shoulders

You lived my dream
And I became your destiny

Their is no just thing as
the “best” revenge
same thing goes for the “worst” revenge
revenge is still revenge
All we can do is hope that we don’t become the person who has brought damage upon during the past or present
So instead of relying on revenge to do us justice
let karma do it’s work for you

Nature is not your ally
she has nothing to do with one person’s actions or feelings
she didn’t ask for your permission
or rather yet your opinion
whether you love her flaws or not
you have to accept what she does
and that also concludes her final decision
for what she wants to become next

it was either during middle school or junior high school
honestly, I can't remember
my English teacher told us to write a poem
didn't matter if it was long as a railroad station
or short as a pathway shortcut
"Just write" she said
she gives me a piece of paper and pencil
and told me a few examples that I can use for my first poem
but one example sparked my interest
"You can write about your favorite color" she said
so, with that in mind I start to begin writing
I wrote about the color blue
and things that have that color in it:
the sky
ocean waves
blueberry muffins
blue jays
sadness and sorrow
depression and numbness
the pain of being found guilty
the feeling of emptiness
being left alone
and showing signs of loneliness

I went on and on until my fragile hand started to cramp
but when I reached the end of my poem
I realized something very peculiar
blue wasn't my favorite color
yet I had presented blue in a way far more than just a “primary” color
When I submitted it to my teacher
she said that she loved it and gave me a good grade
later, when I got my paper back
I reread it a few times
crumbled it up to a ball
and chucked it into the nearest trash can
hoping that no one would find it

I’ll walk to your house
At the middle of the night
With a ladder in my hand
When I reached to your window
I’ll set the ladder down gently
And crawl up to your window
I’ll knock on your window shield
And wait until I see a light turned on

I’ll see you open the window
And I’ll get to your angelic face
As I sit on the side of your window
I’ll watch you talk for hours on everything
You’ll tell me about your day
Your friends who you love dearly
How much you hate your family dinners
And tell me about moving away from here
And I’ll try to think of what to say to you that wouldn’t sound embarrassing
We’ll stay with our eyes locked on for each other
You reached your face closer to mine and I’ll do the same with my eyes closed

Until I hear a knock on your bedroom door
You’ll quickly off your lights
And I’ll quickly position myself to crawl down from the window
But before I head down
You’ll tell me to perk my head up
Before I could even say “why?”
you’ll kiss my forehead
And tell me goodbye

I’ll crawl down the ladder
And when I reach the ground
I’ll make a run for it  
Running with the smile you gave me that angelic night

I used to have a camera back then
A polaroid camera
It was a small, aqua blue camera that also had a camera bag
And during the last day of school in 8th grade
I brought it to take pictures with my friends
I didn’t want to be in the photos though
Just want to create memories with every flash sound that came from the camera
All my friends will do silly poses as I count
3
2
1
And when I press the button, it will then create a flashback
that my friends can look back on in the future
when time went on other people that were in other friend groups would
“Can you take a pic of me and my friends”
And I nod my head signaling yes
I was seen as a photographer that last day of 8th grade
And I loved it
Because every photo
Will create a smile on their faces
That same smile will then appear again when they take that pic home with them
Who knows what they will do with the picture
Put on the wall
Put it in a time capsule
Or maybe in a drawer filled with *******
But I know that one day
They’ll look back at it in a couple of years
And a flashback will flow into their head
The flashback will make them feel as if they went back in time
and see their younger self with a silly pose
with friends around them as I count to
1

Keep your soft soul
it’s very delicate and pure
Stay gentle with yourself so you don’t feel pain when going through guilt
Remain kind to people who have done you right in life
And most importantly
don’t let the ugly truth of the future
make you feel bitter in the present

For I have discovered how our future looks and now my eyes feel deceived

every time I passed you in the hallways
and we lock eyes together
my pupils will grow bigger ten times more
but your pupils will stay the same
now when I bump into you
my pupils will dilate a bit
but your pupils will stay the same
before I was blinded with delusion
and now I finally snapped back into reality
I found out who you really are
so, when we met again
my pupils will shrink ten times more
but your pupils will stay the same

The mother was a dreamer
she dreamed of a future for her daughter to uphold
she dreamed of a reality so pure and bright that she herself was blinded at times
but her daughter didn’t dream of this
all she wanted to do was sleep
she wished to put herself to rest
so, her eyes could never be open
but shut closed
the mother dreamed for the moon to be her daughter's guide
and for the sun to be her guardian  
but the daughter did not want to see the moon or sun from above
she closes her eyes quickly every time their aura glances to her face
the mother wanted the best for her daughter
and the daughter wanted the worst thing to ever happened to her when she rests her head on the cold lifeless pillow
and that is to never wake up again
but the mother didn’t know that her daughter dreamt of that
for she was too busy daydreaming about a life her daughter and her can live with many years to come
but one day her daughter’s dream became true
and as the mother rest her head on the coffin she weeps and cries
with tears of disbelief
she shouts to sun and the moon
“Why can’t we dream forever but we can choose to sleep forever”

As time passes the mother’s dreams start to fade
and she too wanted to sleep

I’ll lit a match
and place the flame to my chest
so, when my skin burns
my weeping flesh rots
and my bones melt
you can take a small peek into my
heart
and see how much my heart beats
when I’m around you
because I would rather show you how much you affect me entirely
than just say it with my chivalry words

Picture this:
Let’s say you’re a shy actor but not in movies but in theatre
And you’re ready to blow people’s minds with a performance that you have planned for the longest of times
But you’re scared of looking at people in the eye; especially an audience like this
So, your mind tells you to go up there on stage and give it your all
But when you step your foot out of the curtain you can feel the presence of a thousand eyes now locked in
You go into the center of the stage with your head glued to the wooden floorboards and before you take a breath in you start to have an idea
“Just close your eyes during your performance and open them when you’re done” that’s what your mind said
And you did just that
With both of your eyes closed shut
You began to perform your greatest talent that is filled with love and excellence
Or that’s what you at least thought
After you are done you open your eyes slowly starting to feel better about yourself
You raised your head
But in your surprise, there was no one to be seen
All the seats were empty
The doors are all closed
No voices or applause or chanting or cheering coming your direction
The entire atmosphere was dull and quiet
In fact, the spotlight that was right above when you first went onto the stage was gone
So, you’re left in darkness in the theatre
You felt confused and astonished because you knew that during the middle of your performance you could hear voices of different people coming your way but now that you opened your eyes fully all the voices stopped
Your body is telling you to get out of the stage, but you couldn’t
it was if your mind has shifted with the voices into the abyss
So now you’re frozen
Can’t move
Can’t act
Can’t dance
Can’t perform
tears running down your face as you stand still with your head glued onto the wooden floorboards again
And during this moment in this very quiet scenery the only sound that you can hear was your tears colliding onto the ground
This time was different because your eyes are open and not shut
You start to regain your movement again after being frozen and wipe away your tears
Starting to think about what to do next
Should you walk away from the stage and leave or look for where the audience left to
You couldn’t decide
Your mind has abandoned you
But for a second you started to feel something strong
It was your heart
And now your heart is telling you to just keep on performing but this time with your eyes open
And for a second you thought it was stupid and unnecessary for the situation you’re in, but you decided to go for it just for fun
You did a whole redo of a performance last time with your eyes open and not glued to the ground
And even though it was dark and empty from where you are you felt warmth approaching your way
And then 5 seconds later you see someone open the door and without thinking you begin to feel whole again

It’s 9:10 PM
I should be asleep
but unfortunately, I just can’t
I can hear my brother’s voice through my door
And can also hear my father’s voice propel back at it
While the weeps of my mother’s voice are in between
This is not new to me
So, I did what I always did when this scenario occurred
And that is by playing guitar
With this idea in mind, I get up from my bed
Grabbed my guitar that was next to my closet
Plugged it into my amp
and put my headphones on
Now I just need a song in mind
Something loud
Something distracting
“Maybe some title fight” I said
With my pick in my hand I play the first chord
And the guitar played the rest
As time past and the song coming to the end
The voices of my mother and father went away
“They probably went back to bed” I thought
But I still heard my brother mumbles
His footsteps turned into stomps that then stopped
And I herd a door slam shut that came from his room
“Jeez what the heck he was saying back there” I thought
My headphones went back into my ears to block his mumbling
And I went back into finishing the song before I go to bed
Time passes
When I strummed my guitar for the last time
I take my headphones off
Unplug my guitar from the amp
And put the guitar away
But then I heard a big thud echoed through my door
Slowly I opened my door and looked through the hallway
As my door opens wider and wider
I start hearing something
Not voices
Not mumbles
Just a song
In fact it was the same song I just played on guitar
The song was coming from my brothers room
As I walked to his room the song got louder and louder
I knew it was coming from his record player since he had a vinyl collection at the time
I slowly open his door
But then time stopped for a minute
His room was dark
Title fight was playing on the record player
Their was chair that seemed to be knocked into the ground
And I saw two feet swinging in the air
I took one step forward
Looked up
And then I saw my mumbling brother
With his head in the ceiling fan

Do you remember the first time we met?
you probably haven’t but that’s alright
before we were strangers
we didn’t know anything about each other
and yet we lived in two separate worlds
It’s only when we started to have quick glances at each other when we crossed paths
is when our worlds collided into one big universe
first it was quick glances
then holding eye contact for a while
to then small talk that’ll last for a few minutes
and then finally we started walking the same direction and talking about anything that can keep us entertained for one another
but now we started to grow distant
and I really don’t know why
we used to be on the same path
but now we’re forced to take different directions
we still take quick glances at each other still
but I feel as our universe is starting to separate over time
and the only thing left now
is a nebula
and a supernova

Even though I am currently 15 years old
In my head I feel like I have already fulfilled my childhood
I had the "birds and bees" talk
before I could even learn how to tie my shoelaces correctly
My parents made me learn several things
to help me face the real-world challenges like taxes and bills
before I could even know the difference between
a fraction and a decimal
I have also learned how certain people in society view woman
in a disgusting and draining point of view
so, when I finally got my period
and my mother said "I'm finally becoming a woman"
I felt like my intestines was swirling inside my stomach
so ever since then
when I wake up in the morning and see myself through a reflection
I can sense changes flowing through my body
and it terrifies me to the fullest extent
but I know that I can't stop it
Aside from my body changing over time
my mind has also changed a little bit
before I saw the world in pastel colors
even though I knew the true intentions
of what our world is becoming from which we stand on
but now I see the world with cracked lenses
but my perspective of society is becoming clearer and distraught
I know that I'm young
and if you were to compare me with the people
I hang out with before and after
you would probably think to yourself
"Wow she is so mature for her age"
but sometimes I wish my childhood was in a slow pace
who knows maybe if I were to wake up tomorrow
I might become twice my age without realizing
and If I were to blink twice
then wrinkles will start to appear on my face

The one thing I'm starting to regret now
Is wishing to become older when I was so young
and when I do reach adulthood
I'll start wishing to be youthful again

Putting your trust in someone
Is like giving them a sword and a shield
They’ll either stab you with the sword
Or use the sword for your protection

And when it comes to the shield
They’ll either protect themselves against you
Or take the shield and protect you along side them

So choose who you trust wisely
Because trust is a powerful weapon that can be used against you if placed in the wrong hands

I want to be free
That is all I ever asked for
For I have been cocooned in the hands of  person who I have thought was an ally but I would later find out that they are truly the embodiment of wickedness
and for so long I have been trapped in a deep void never to see where my future lies in the next few chapters
So I have made a promise to myself that when I have reached full capacity of my own self and my mind
I will regain my freedom
For I will not stay cocoon forever

“Nothing you do is awkward
or corny or even cheesy at most
everyone is brought to this earth
to have a great time
and expressing themselves to the fullest
not to worry about the opinion of the person next to them” she told me with a warm smile

I looked up at her for a second
And then realized why I enjoyed her presence

Someone once told me
where do I see myself in the next 10 years
and I told them
that I'll either become a billionaire
covered with riches and thousands of dollars
mesmerized by other ****** wealthy people
or
become a member of a random cult
mesmerized by a theory that a snob has put inside my head
and covered with a "good outcome " and "safety from the cruel society "

Crying *****
but waiting to cry is the worse
my eyes will water up so quickly
and my mind will force me to wait
till my tears pour down my face
it’s like when you’re a little kid
and you’re watching the bubbles
rising up from the bathtub
and you’re just waiting for the bubbles to hit your chin and pop
But now when I try to contain myself
hold in my tears so they won’t explode
I can feel the tears wrapping around my lungs
while and strangling my throat tightly enough
so I can’t gasp for air
and even if I were to hold them in
for the entire day
When I finally reach to my bed
the tears will flow down my pillow
down to my bed sheets
then it’ll reach the floor
and my tears will fill up my room
slowly until it reaches my chin
but there is no bubbles when it happens
so I won’t hear a pop sound
but the sound of agony will echo
around my room
like a drained symphony

The worst part of crying in your bed
is not waking up seeing tears stains on your newly soaked up pillow
but rather going to the nearest mirror
and seeing tear burns appear again
when you thought they were gone for good

There was an old man who had a dog
It was a great hound dog that had drooled foaming out of his mouth
But for some reason the old man hated the dog because every time he would want to go on his daily walks outside
the dog will immediately follow from behind with a leash in his mouth

During the winter
The old man walked out of the house and the hound dog followed him as usual
Out of annoyance the old man decided to let his dog join him on the walk
They walked across the street from one stop sign to another
Until they reached a wooden bench
The old man sat down to rest his eyes
while the hound dog sat next to his foot

Time passes and the sun begins to set
The old man wakes up from his nap
He picks himself up and when he looks down to his foot the hound dog is gone
Confused he looks around the perimeter searching for the hound dog until he reaches to a street
The hound dog was there laid flat onto the ground but instead of drool that would foam out of his mouth it was blood instead

As the seasons passed on and winter comes by once again
The old man walks out of his house
He takes a few steps out to the sidewalk but when he turns back
The hound dog wasn’t behind him no more
He walks from stop sign to stop sign until he reaches to the bench
He sits down and rummage through his pocket and takes out the leash
He lays the leash next to his foot
then he goes to sleep
and as he starts to snore off
drool foams out of his mouth like a hound dog

If a flower can survive bone chilling winters that turn their leaves into icicles
Groundbreaking floods that make their petals drench
Hot headed tornadoes releasing their wrath upon where they are rooted
Hazard hurricanes shaking their stem until it almost snaps in half
And the glaring sun that beams heatwaves so hot it’ll toast the pollen that was stored within
So, if a flower can survive all those dreadful moments
And still find a way to grow from those experiences
Continuing to blossom like they once did before
Then I don’t see why you can’t too


For it is time for you to blossom

you saw it too right, right?
it stands there in the corner
carrying every burden that dwells within your body but doesn’t want to leave it
that thing in the corner
it presents your fears, guilt, and trauma
it’ll whisper about conflicts that will never leave your mind that’ll linger in the back of your thoughts
if you were to stare at it for a while
it might go away
but then it will resurface at the worst time
it can take so many forms as it manifests
sorrow, emptiness, that deep emotion that weeps inside your chest
that thing will continue to lurk in the background within the depths of your life
If you want to take it head on into a battle
and take that step forward
you’ll only be filled with reminders of what haunts your mind when taking a few steps
within that time you’ll start to rethink that maybe making peace with it will just be elusive
but I believe you can do it
you see it, don’t you?
it sits in the corner waiting for you
take those few steps forward
and look at it in the eyes
even if looks daunting and morbid
you can’t let it strangle you with the hands of your past
it may be struggling for you but confront it is the only way to reclaim your control
gain back that sense of peace that was lost
you know that it’s there, right?
so face it

It’s watching us
all of us
the eye of the sky looks upon us
as the sun and moon passes
the mighty eye decides which one of us will join it in the heavens
and it shall declare who shall decay underground with the company of maggots
awaiting for the arrival
everyday as we breathe in the air of life
the mighty eye shall open its hands out to the person or people who have reach the final stage of decomposition

I look up at the sky one day
staring into the raging sun
the mighty eye notices me and says
“don’t look into the sun or else your eyes will burn tragically”
I continue to stare into the sun effortlessly
my eyes started to water up quickly
but then I asked
“why is it that you can admire the sun, but I can’t without it hurting my vision”
the mighty eye says nothing back
“this isn’t real is it” I said
“now what makes you say that” the mighty eye responds with confusion
“well even though the sun is piercing through my pupils, the sky is declaring its midnight as we speak right now”
the mighty eye quickly blocks the sun and sets its gaze upon me
“I think it is time for you to wake up” the mighty eye whispers
suddenly and a jolt enters my body
then I wake up from my slumber
with sweat glued onto my face
I look at the sky through my window
the sky was still dark
and the raging sun has passed
yet I had a sudden feeling
that the mighty eye is still there
watching me

If all the negativity that is stored inside of me was in a form of an object...
It would be as big as a window frame
and it would be shaped as a spiral that floats around my head to my shoulders
if it was a color it would be a light baby blue that'll also glow in the dark
I shall name it "  "
and the only thought that " " would probably be thinking right now is "Why am I like this"
"  " can take as many forms as it desires
and to be honest I don't like it most of the time
it'll always hover around me during the worst times and even during my happiest moments in life
I don't know if "  " despises me the way I despise it
but since it had been stuck to me for the longest of times
I'm slowly starting to get used to it

Even though I’m smart enough to understand many things
I absolutely love to act dumb sometimes
It helps me see people’s real motives, intentions, and personal values when they are alone with me
It’s like playing a game of who slips their words up the most
Whoever loses gets to be seen as who they really are in the inside
And I’ve never lost once

When I lay down on my bed
With my eyes glued to the ceiling
I can sense his presence near
He lurks around my room
And he won’t go away
His body is a shadow
But his eyes are bloodshot red
He wear's a long trench coat that reaches to the ground
And has a fedora on his head
As I tilt my head to the side
I can see him stop in place
He stares at me immediately
We stayed staring at each other for a while
Until he slowly disappears like smoke
I tilt my head back to the ceiling
What was running through my head was that he didn’t try to harm me and I’m glad
But knowing that this wasn’t the first time he showed up at nights like this
I wonder when he’ll stop appearing again

I have one job
and that is to write your story
my wave of words can be put into long stanzas
I write about you until my hand cramps
and I’ll write until your image shines to the public eye
when your status reaches to the top
I’ll stay behind
I’ll stay behind to clean up the malicious mess that you didn’t want me to write about just so your status doesn’t crumble
you have said and done things that no other being can forgive you for
and I must cover it up with my words of propaganda
Because you would rather want people see your “pure” heart
and not your shallow soul

From the beginning
I have defended you from the very start
but you turned me into a clown at the end

Because of you
my shield turned into sinking balloons
the helmet that I wear melted like paint
and clown makeup is smeared on my face
my chivalry armor collapses to the ground
and a big colorful jumpsuit raps around my body from my neck to feet
the big metallic boots that I once wore
morphed into a big bright rubber shoes that squeak so loudly when I walk
and a big bow tie ways down my neck
leaving me in a hunchback posture

I couldn’t believe what I had became and it is all because of the sick twisted lies that you made me believe in

I’m self aware
And yet my brain sometimes leaves me in a unconscious state of mind
I have seen my wrongdoings played out before and it was not a pretty sight
But I also felt like some wrongdoings of mine have caused damage to my life and it’ll only be too late for me to realize it later on
I have become a judge of my actions
And a witness of what was played out

If I can just hold onto the life I have
inside the palm of my hands
and give it away to someone from the past or future who has something more important to live for
then I can end my day knowing that I have done something that will be worth it
But I guess for now
I’ll continue to cry to God one more time
and I'll beg to him one more time
to grant this life donation of mine
Because I can’t just continue running forward
knowing that there is someone else who should be running faster than I could ever run

When it comes to expressing myself
I am incapable of doing so
If you were to tell me to describe how I feel today
In a expressive manner
You would just end up feeling disappointed in the ending result
Because in my definition emotions are just a bunch of puzzle pieces inside my head
describing those emotions is impossible for me to comprehend
I can’t tell you if I’m happy
Sad
Mad
Or even terrified
But I do hope one day
you’ll understand how I feel
without me trying to jumble my words around trying to find you the right answer

Today is the day
It is a special day for someone like me
I wake up and dress myself in my favorite color (which is orange)
went to have a delicious meal that satisfied my stomach
and then I continued my day with a smile on my face

Time passes
and I get a phone call from my lover
when I picked up the call
their voice sounded off
"I'm sorry..." she said with a wobbly voice
I assumed that she just forgot that today is my special day
"Aww it's ok, I knew you forgot but it's alright" I said cheerfully
"I want you to know that I still lo-" but then the phone line stopped

The evening came by quickly
and I knew what that the time has finally come
I'll finally obtain my special gift
and I'm excited to receive it soon
as I lay down in my bed
I hear a knock
and two men walked in and one of them told me "It's time to begin the special occasion" and I agree cheerfully
I walk with them to another room that had a glass wall between
I see my other loved ones behind the glass wall, and they were sitting down in chairs of rows and some of them were trying to avoid eye contact with me

There was one chair opposite of the glass wall
In my eyes, it was my throne
And when I sat down, I felt like a king
the two men stand next to me side by side
and one other man walked in with a piece of paper
the man looks at the paper and announced
"Today is the day where this man will put to rest once and for all
he is known for his horrendous crimes of several murders and will be put in the hands of death." he said

The two men strapped my hands onto my throne
and placed something on my head
I didn't know what rested on my head
but it felt like a crown to my name
one of them gripped onto a switch that was next to my throne
and then asked me
"Any last words ******?"
I looked forward into the crowd of faces of my loved ones
some of them had tears in their eyes
and some of them looked down to the ground
I look back at one of the men
and with a smile on my face, I said
"Thank you for giving me this gift"
I close my eyes
the switch goes off
and my special day comes into a shocking close

It’s kinda funny
How some people would consider themselves “grownups”
Until it is time to
Communicate
Apologize for their actions
Accept accountability
Or rather yet just tell the truth
It’s only then their “grown” selves would release a childlike tantrum
And play the victim cover up their childish crimes

It’s somewhat ironic to know that no one likes to admit that their wrong at times

I was sitting in the bottomless pits of hell
staring up at the heavens
with rose tinted glasses
as angels hovered down from the heavens and placed their gentle hands onto my cheekbones
several hundred hands from the underworld holding me and pealing my flesh off in a slow steady pace
until the only thing left of me is my throbbing soul
But I wouldn’t know what I have now become until I get lifted towards the heavens
And see my rotting torso decay halfway down below

“If I had 9 lives I would spend each of them with you” you said in a cheesy voice
I giggled a little bit but then you asked if I were to have 9 lives what would I do with them
I sit back and think
I would probably say something like “I would try to not to spend my lives so easily as if they were currency”
but to be honest
I would spend each life as if it was its last
and when I do reach my last life
I’ll cherish it like it was my first

The sheep was innocent
their wool was made of soft pure cotton
and if you were brush your hand across it’s fluffy head
you’ll be hit with a angelic aroma
the wolf was born with a malicious sense
eyes were bloodshot red
ears twitching side to side
and it’s fur was thick and sharp like razors
the wolf was intoxicated from the sheep
it wanted to smear its prey and splatter its blood from were it stands
the sheepdog was a protector
Its knows the wolf’s true intentions with the sheep
and it didn’t want that to happen
it fended off to the wolf
growling and barking with all its might
the wolf will pounce on the sheepdog
revealing its claws that can cut the air with one swift and its fangs that are slick as a butcher’s knife
cuts, bites, bruises appear on the sheep dog’s body but it still stands it’s ground
howling and roaring so loud that the grass shook a bit little by little
the sheep was shaking and trembling behind the sheepdog
but as fights begin they also come to an end
with one last swing from the claws of the wolf
the sheepdog wobbles and collapsed as a sign of defeat
as the sheepdog watches the wolf devour the sheep ripping it to shreds
it’s started to close its eyes slowly
until the only thing it sees left is the color red