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Mar 2014 · 366
What I think of me
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
All these whispered thoughts inside my head
They hate me
I hate me
I'm fat
I'm shy, awkward, and quiet
I'm not beautiful either
Not like other girls
I'm different
I'm weird
I'll never be loved by any guy, even if I loved him
None of my dreams would seem to come true
I won't be the writer I want to be
I won't get married and have kids like I want to
And I'll go out like Juliet in Romeo and Juliet, but without my Romeo because he won't exist
Or I might drown my sorrows in my own blood and wine
Red wine
The blood of wines
I'll drink it down till I don't feel anything anymore, but warm tingles and numbness
I might fill up the bath and grab something to end my pain
But even that is a dream
And it won't come true
None of them do
I've seen better people fail
I'm no better
At least I don't believe I am
*This is what I think of me...
People say it's all in my head, because I don't believe I'll succeed. I want to believe that, but it is hard, because I've seen better people fail. I've seen more than can believe and it makes me look at my future as a big fail. And it's true I'm not beautiful just look at my profile picture. I've never felt comfortable being who I am. I've always wanted to be something else
Mar 2014 · 602
Torture
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
Torture finds you
And it slowly peels you open
While you go insane with pain
While you go insane from the silent screams in your empty quiet shell
While the whispered words start to sound like your own voice
And it kills you slowly
Aren't you supposed to destroy monsters?
That's why I should save myself before they turn me into one

I realize I've got to destroy myself
Too late
They turned me
And no one knows
I was once told
"Do you destroy monsters or be their friend?"
You told me "you destroy monsters. There's no befriending 'em"
Now I'm a monster
Which is why they're torturing me
I'm torturing me
And I'm destroying myself
Driving myself insane
And there was nothing to fix
Nothing to save
I'm just a girl who was never the same
I kinda feel a bit like this poem ain't completely right but eh. Give feedback please♥♥♥
Thank you
Mar 2014 · 372
Say something
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
"Say something
As I say nothing but useless ramblings
Say something
As I stare at a painting
Say something that will let you in
Say something
Before my heart goes on lockdown
Say nothing
Say something
Before I decide to close up on you
Don't say it
What you're thinking of
Don't say that either
Don't ask what you're gonna ask
Cause it's too late to say it,
to ask it
It's over now
There's no chance
There's no fixing it now
Just leave me and my friends alone
You never cared
You were just someone who I put up with really."
That's what she said
The person who I thought was my friend
That's what she said. She didn't give me the chance to fix it. I did care. I did try. She just didn't let me in. Or I just didn't try hard enough. I still regret it a bit, not seeing how annoying or depressing i was sometimes, and etc., but I'm trying to fix those things and be a better friend to someone else. I'm still depressed but I'll just keep it on paper instead, and on here too. If I can have the heart to keep on to. Thx for reading.
Mar 2014 · 2.7k
Sleep paralysis
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
I can barely move
I can barely talk
I can't breathe when I'm this way
It's gotten worse
And it happens more often
I'm paralyzed in a nightmarish dream and I come out gasping
I smile in the beginnings
because it tries to pull me under and can't
But after a while it wins and pulls me under
I fight
I try to move, but all I get is a bit of shaking
And I try to talk or scream, but all I get is a short puffed out breath
I try to breathe more, but I hyperventilate
I half wake up from it to try to get free, but it pulls me under and smiles at me
I hate it when it happens to me, sometimes it feels like your falling and you can't wake up until you flight yourself or startle yourself awake or hit the ground. It's so sometimes. Mostof the time it's just the darkness I'm falling into. Other times it's something else
Mar 2014 · 701
Lonely silence
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
Lonely silence is the loudest silence of all
You always notice it
It's in the air around you
And inside of you too
And when you get home
After locking the door
The silence is louder
You set your keys down on the table
Goto a fridge full of food, but there's nothing to eat to make this lonely silence go away
You go up stairs to your bedroom
To a neatly made bed and books scattered among the floor
You take off your jacket and clothes
Then leap into the shower
You can still feel the silence
And it's weighing you down
You slide down to your knees wearing a frown
You want to cry but sit there till the water runs cold
Then slip out and put on a night gown
You lie in bed thinking this boring life never gets better and will I ever get better? Will I still be lonely forever?
Then you close your eyes as billions of the same questions run around your mind just like every night
Then you fall asleep
After drinking your bottle of solution and downing all the gin you could take before finally dying
And now you've woken up from a dream you were hoping was real
Just like every night
*It's full of lonely silence
There's a difference between silence and lonely silence. There's also another silence in there. Hope you can guess it.
Mar 2014 · 359
What if
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
What if each of us were a small piece of God's soul and the devil only wanted to steal us to weakening him?
I could believe that
Could you?
I don't know why I've thought of this
It just came to me at 6:01am
If we are a small part of his soul why don't we know?
Or does he just create our souls out of his power of faith and love?
The devil takes that away from him to weaken him?
Every soul he takes
Every soul he creates
Is a part of him
And the devil only tries to take it to be ruthless and weaken him
If this were the case I just hope God wins against his old son Lucifer
Just something that comes at 6:01am xD
Mar 2014 · 531
who I used to be
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
A little girl who didn't remember
A little girl who didn't care about looks or felt sad
A little girl who hadn't yet saw the world for what it was
A little girl who was always happy
A little girl who had good friends

I'm none of those things anymore
I remember
I care
I feel depressed
And I am seeing the world for what it is
I am afraid of living
Not afraid of the dark like when I was little
In fact I love the dark
Best place to hide if you don't want to be seen
And it's really quiet but full of noise

I am not a girl anymore
Neither am I a woman
Because a woman isn't afraid
And I am
I'm afraid of living, breathing the breathe I'm breathing, feeling, I am afraid of love, cause I don't want a broken heart, and I am afraid of fear
But not death, I'm not completely afraid of him
He is my wish, my lust, and a friend
The only one who will stay with me at the end
So we're destined to meet
I just won't know when

But until then I'll be afraid of living, of breathing, and of loving
Sorry for scaryin ya. :/
Mar 2014 · 717
Silent screams
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
My silent screams
My silent pleas
My mouth is open, but no sound is coming out
no words are forming
My mind is full of empty promises and lies
My heart is thumping madly loud
And my pulse is racing my silent breaths that come quickly
I take in one huge breath slowly
my heart thumps
my soul readies itself
my lungs expand
my pulse races
I let out my silent scream
It's louder than hell
But it's more silent than a rose petal
It's loud to the people that are able to hear it
But silent to most people
I stop screaming
I'm still screaming
I thought I had stopped
But I had never stopped screaming
while the tears of sadness and frustration stream down my face
*And no one's heard me yet
Chalsey E. Wilder~
Mar 2014 · 761
Am I worthy?
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
Am I worthy?
I'm not sure I am
You don't listen to me
I don't see anything happening
I prayed to you years ago
Four almost five years have come and gone
Were there too many prayers in the world that you skipped over mine like I was unimportant?
So am I worthy?
I'm still not sure
Cause I'm still at least hoping
You'll make things right
Have you heard my crys?
My silent screams?
I'm not sure you have,
cause I'm still crying
and I'm still screaming
Have you heard the whispered thoughts in my head?
I have
I hear them sometimes
when I lie in bed
with my eyes closed and my lips slightly ajar
I cry on the inside cause can't cry on the outside no more
My outside looks different than my inside
You've must have seen
that darkness in me
and heard my silent screams
You've must have seen past my outside and into my inside
Hallow, dark, silent screams, blood and pain everywhere
And the shadows that close around me
You must have seen
Everything
Even the things I haven't yet seen
Am I worthy?
I honestly don't know
And I don't think I ever will
Please
If you haven't done anything
Tell me
Am I worthy?
Was I ever really worthy?
*~Chalsey E. Wilder
Just something I've been feeling. I believe God is real and that he is good, but I'm losing faith in him slowly.
Mar 2014 · 434
Broken glass rose
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
My broken glass rose
I collected all the petals
But someone took them away from me
Why?
Why did she take them away?
It wasn't even bothering her
And now I just have one left
But it's more broken than the others I had
She doesn't want me
not like I care anymore
But I am your kid and you are my mother
And not a good one either
You hate me cause I like guys
Threw a knife at me and told me to **** myself
bleed yourself dry you said
But I'm still here and you hate me
You've taken all my glass petals and only left me one
One that was more broken than the others
Just like you you said
And left the room
My broken glass rose is all gone
Cause you've now taken the last piece of it
and me along with it
And she's thrown them all away
This poem is not about me. It's about this guy I met. His name is Bo.
Mar 2014 · 3.3k
Invisible
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
My thoughts invisible
My words invisible until I put ink to paper
And even then they're still invisible
They're invisible to the people who can't read the meaning between the lines and the space between the words and letters
Sometimes they're invisible to me
Until after I read it myself
I can feel what other people mean when they write a poem or a story
I can imagine the imaginary happenings of a poem or story
I can hear the silent screams and see the useless scratches and crawls
I can see the darkness or the brightness of everything imagined
Everything invisible
The words you really want to say invisible
The actions you really want to take invisible
Everything invisible
Everything you don't do invisible to everyone except you
Everything I won't write burned into my mind until it hits pen to paper
Until it visible to everyone
You will never forget the visible nothings you did
You will never forget the invisible somethings you should have done
Just something I thought of. I'm not sure where all of it came from
Mar 2014 · 1.1k
Revive
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
Do you think you can revive me, when I'm half dead?
No
I'm just half full of life
So I can not be revived when I'm technically still half alive
You might **** me with your electricity
Doesn't matter I'll be the same
Never noticed
And half dead
Always ashamed of my half life
Always waiting for my half death to become full
Or maybe for my half life to become full
if at all possible
And live it till it's gone
My brain's been half gone
It's waiting to either be brought back or for me to come with it
I'm not sure what happened to it
It just was never there
So can I be revived, when I'm half alive?
No don't try it
Your electricity might **** me
But either way
I'll be the same
Unnoticed
And half dead
While I lay in bed
Just something i thought up. Hope you liked it. But I am sorry if it was weird
Mar 2014 · 658
Blade
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
Blade at my neck
Lips have never touched this neck
The blade has never touched my neck or my wrists
It has never pierced my skin
It hasn't cut the veins in my wrists
It's been hovering over my wrists and my neck for years
Always waiting till I was weak enough to let it do it's job
To cut through my skin and ******* blood
And to feel the warmth of it flowing out of my veins
And to cover itself in sate
I've been weak enough to almost nick my skin
But I never let it slice me
Or dice me
Or slit my skin
Only a few finger ****** have happened
And that's it
Blade at my neck
The flat of it on my side
And blade at my heart to **** my emotions
And blade at my wrists to help my mental pain or to let me bleed out
But they're just hovering
right above my skin
Just waiting
Until I'm weak enough *to let them do their job
I don't cut. Never have. But I've imagined this many times anytime I think long enough. I'm sorry if this poem scared you!
Mar 2014 · 564
Validation
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
All I hope
Is that someone will get me
That someone will truly care about what I do and say
And I hope I will understand them
Truly love and care about them
Care about what they do and say
That they will accept me for me
And I'll accept them too
All I really want is one person to stay with me my whole life
If I could just have that
Maybe I wouldn't be so broken
Maybe I could even be fixed
Maybe I wouldn't be so afraid of love
Or so afraid of myself
And maybe I wouldn't be afraid of my future or my past
I've already had people give up on me
And I know why they did
One of them told me why
And I see why too
I was never comfortable in my own skin and my own mind
And I made them uncomfortable to the point where it was too much
I was suffocating myself and I was doing it to them too
So when they left
I was more alone and I was realizing more and more
Everything is what's wrong with me
Everything
I never had any validation so I got worse
I did too many of the wrong things without knowing
And I feel like I won't be accepted anywhere
I'm trying to fix myself, but I have no idea how to
How do I fix myself when everything's wrong?
How do I fix myself when every piece is either bent out of shape or broken?
How do you fix something when everything in it is broken? I don't know how to fix it.
Mar 2014 · 368
Fine again
Chalsey Wilder Mar 2014
I am fine again
I fake smile again
You may think I'm ok again,
but I cry again
Not where you can see
When I cry it's invisible,
it's on the inside of me
no one ever really sees the storm raging inside of me,
or the war that makes it go on
I am fine again
I lie again
I cry again
I am not afraid,
but at the same time I am
I accept it
I reject it
and accept it all over again
It goes right through me and it hits me hard
I know I'm not fine
Deep down I know I'll never be fine again
I don't think I ever was
You can buy it
And I will sell it
I'll say I'm fine, I'm just a bit tired
and you'll say you should get more rest
and I'll say ok, I will and smile to make you relax a bit
But you'll never know what's inside
The storm that's raging and the war that's causing it
I'm not even sure what the war's about
I don't even know what or how it started
I don't even remember when it happened
But it's still happening now
And I'm not even sure who's winning
My angels or my demons
I just hope that the angels are going to win soon,
because if not
It might be too late
And my demons might win the war...
My angels...
*-whispers- please win...
I feel like this a lot. I'm hoping my angels win this war. And I'm hoping I'll at least be a bit normal afterwards. This poem was also inspired by a song. It's my favorite song called fine again by seether. I love them. They're my favorite.
Feb 2014 · 463
Not so sure
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
I'm not so sure
Who you think I am
I'm dark
Lonely
And hidden from everyone
There's only a part of me that shows
My small smile
My light bright brown skin
And my shyish charm
That's what shows
But my suicidal thoughts
And my thoughts of hurting myself
They never show
They never emerge from the dark well of my heart
No one ever sees it now
And they never will
They'll never mistake my smile for falsehood
They'll never know the thoughts in my mind
Or any of my true feelings or opinions
So I'm not so sure you know who I am
You only know what I want you to
And that was never me, not the real me
No one truly knows who I am. I only let them see what I want them to. Including my family.
Feb 2014 · 263
If
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
If
If you'd let me in
I'd jump into your heart and
See everything you see
I could never see what you see, especially not in me. I wish I could see what you see, because I have never seen anything....
Feb 2014 · 1.0k
Sated
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
Sorry I'm not good enough for you
How am I suppose to be good enough for you when I'm not good enough for me?
I can't satisfy society
Can't satisfy anyone, not even myself
~sigh~
I'm not sated,  neither is society and society never will be
No one will ever stop being thirsty or hungry or greedy
No one will ever be sated
I want  be sated but I don't know what I want anymore
Our generation wants everything and even when we get it we'll never be happy with it
We'll never be sated or happy
Cause having everything is nothing
Because we can have everything we thought we wanted and not want it anymore
Cause if I really wanted to be sated
I would have everything I need....not what I wanted
Our generation wants to have an iPhone this swag this boss *** ***** that, but all I want is what I need. And all we need is love, peace, and forgiveness.
Feb 2014 · 366
Regret
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
I regret I wasn't good enough
I should have tried to be
I regret I didn't ask more
I should've asked more
I regret I whined too much
And I regret everything I did and didn't do
You told me everything I did wrong
I whined too much, I assume things, and I'm too attached to people and I make them uncomfortable
I don't know why I do it
I didn't really see it till you told me
I hate it
Makes me realize how messed up I am
I hated that you didn't even give me a chance to fix these things before you told me to "*******" after telling me how annoying I am
Then I realized
After what happened between me and Ne'coe I realize now that was my second chance to fix things
But
I didn't see it
I was too dumb to see it as a sign that I was the problem
That it was me
Not anyone else
I keep regretting
and I can't seem to stop
I keep over thinking everything I do or say to anyone
I hate regretting
because it makes my heart squeeze and crush under it's weight and it makes it heavy as oceans
And I'm doing it again
And again
And again
I keep reading the messages you sent me and it crushes my heart rereading it
All the reasons I was never good enough
Everything
And it makes me want to cry, but I can't
I haven't cried for anything for three years and I don't know why,
but I'm all cried out even after never crying
So I just try to fix these things you said, even though you won't want me anymore
And
I'll be a better friend for someone else
And if it helps
*I still care about you
I hate regretting. And I'll try to not make myself ever look foolish again. And I'll try to fix everything that's wrong with me.
Feb 2014 · 3.7k
Pretend
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
I'll pretend
Once again
That I don't feel bad
I'll pretend that I don't feel anything at all
While I slowly strip my walls that are already empty and stranded
While I quickly rediscover how depressed my soul is and how hollow the hole in my heart is
I'll pretend
Once again
That I'm okay,
but on the inside I don't feel like being here at all
I just want to wallow and listen to music until I have to pretend again or figure out how to end my pain
So I'll pretend
That once again
That I don't feel sad
I'll pretend that nothing hurts me until I wallow again
I pretend a lot lately.
Feb 2014 · 252
What has happened to you
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
You should know that she's ruining you
I think she has already
You think I'm the one who's ruined
I am but at least I haven't changed
You've changed, you've changed a lot since you've met her
She left you and hurt you more than once
you still love her
She's cheated on you more than once
and you still love her
And you forgave her and took her back every time
I was your friend
I tried to help you
But you pushed me away
by ******* me off and using my weaknesses to hurt me
This is what has happened to you
you turned into a *****
And you said you saw why I tried to **** myself, but did you see why your girlfriend did too?
This is to a guy who used to be my friend. If he's reading this he must know it's about him. I know that pain and heartache turns women into ******* and men into **** offs but that doesn't always give people a reason to be like that towards someone who cares.
Feb 2014 · 414
Wish me dead
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
Go ahead
Wish me dead
I'll wish along with you
You wish to see my throat slit and the blood gushing from my veins
And I wish for a bottle of pills to end my pain
I want to feel my heart beat fast then stop
And you want to feel the warmth of my blood on your hands
So go ahead
Wish me dead
I'll wish along with you
lets just see
what will be
*And hopefully who'll win is me
No one wants to **** me. It's just the other darker side of me that does vs. the lighter but not much lighter side that wants to down the bottle of pills. Sorry if this freaked you out.
Feb 2014 · 743
My lust for death
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
Why do I still feel like dying?
Why do I feel so ready to push a knife through my heart, and happy to feel the pain of my life bleed away?
Is that strange?
I don't know if it is anymore
And that makes the choice even worse
~sigh~
If only for it was my time
I'd lie in a restful peaceful slumber
A slumber that would last forever
and makes this life seem beautiful far away and ugly right in front of me
That life is right now
Not in front of me
And I can only wait for it to end or to end it myself
for which I can't
Death has laughed at me many a time and I seek him everyday
When I'm alone and weary
I wish for his embrace and his cold death kisses touching my lips and helping me fade away from my misery and into blissful death
Everyday I wish for this but I never receive it no matter how hard I've tried to touch him
He's too far and too wise to let me touch him
Oh Death, how could I miss you? How could I crave you so deeply, when we have only brushed paths but never met or seen each other?
I've been feeling this way for years now and it's only been getting stronger.
Feb 2014 · 312
That is why
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
After taking her soul for granted you broke her completely
That is why her eyes look like that
That is why she never feels guilt, or love, or fear, or regret anymore
That is why she can't be fixed
That is why she feels pain in her heart every time it beats
And that is why she cries at night without knowing why
Her sorrow is almost too much for her to bear
But she never shows it
and at the same time she does
It's her eyes that shows it
And nothing else does
Because of you she is like this
That. Is. Why.
For my friend that just got her heart broken. Sorry Eli
Feb 2014 · 457
If only
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
If only you were here right next to me
I'd let you be the first to touch me
The first to hold me
The first to kiss me to sleep
cause the only way that would happen is in my dreams
You'll be far away
but close to my heart
*If only...
Feb 2014 · 316
Short and small
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
I'm baby sized
17 inches tall
The world is a small place, but it's still bigger than me
everything's so much bigger than me
and heavier than me
I'm 8 pounds 11 ounces
And I'm 14 years old
I'm a Master at hiding in hide-and-seek
And girls love me :)
They cuddle me all the time :p
But lots of people treat me like a baby cause I'm baby sized :(
But I love who I am no matter what anyone says and I'll find someone who gets me
:) :p James
My best guy friend James. He uses those faces ^~^
Feb 2014 · 337
How I feel
Chalsey Wilder Feb 2014
My walls are caving in
crumbling beneath my touch and echoing my every whispered thought
I'm shaking
I'm breaking slowly inside
My foundation is cracking almost beyond repair
And it's dark inside
I can't see what's breaking
what's falling or what's shaking and crumbling
I can't see what I'm trying to fix
It's like trying to find your hands in darkness
or falling while your still asleep and unaware
I'm a fallen angel I feel
I feel I'm alone but I'm not
Sometimes I feel like my walls should be empty and falling
I feel like the world could stand to lose one more person
But my walls won't fall, won't cave or crumble enough to end me
My foundation won't crack deep enough for me to be lost completely
Sometimes I feel like it's fixing itself only to fall apart again
And then it feels worse
It feels like your slowly getting crushed by yourself
And you just want it to end
and it feels like you're falling inside a dried up well that has no bottom to fall on
Just an endless fall into darkness and nothing
Jan 2014 · 527
Won't stop
Chalsey Wilder Jan 2014
Things won't stop falling
won't stop breaking or slowly cracking
everything shattering into a million pieces
flying everywhere and never found again to put back together
or fixed to be new again
I won't stop falling
I won't stop crashing into this bottomless pit of depression and sorrow that nips deep down into my bones
I'm falling
I'm crashing
I'm way too deep to stop falling or crashing down into what feels forever
I have to stop it
stop it the only way I know how to
Dex this poem had nothing to do with you it was everything else that did it.
Jan 2014 · 794
Heart of crystal glass
Chalsey Wilder Jan 2014
My heart of crystal glass
easy to break and easy to see though
easy to drop into a million pieces
and easy to crack open and feel the words that don't exist inside
You hold my heart in your hands
My heart beats and thumps along with yours and beats faster
you feel my heart racing and you embrace me even as I fall deeper in love with you
Your not afraid to catch me, but I'm afraid you'll walk away and decide that you don't need to or want to catch me
and that's what breaks my heart the most
losing your love for me and leaving me alone with only the earth to catch me

I love you
Dec 2013 · 768
Swore
Chalsey Wilder Dec 2013
I swore I would protect you
I didn't
I was to busy to see it
I didn't pay attention
I couldn't see what was hurting you
Then I realized too late
your glass was overflowing
your plate collapsing with all the weight and the pressure
The weight that crushed your heart
The thing that flooded your soul
The boy that left your heart pulverized and your soul water damaged
I didn't know it was that bad
I wasn't able to see with all the problems in front of me
I didn't see the obvious
that you weren't okay at all
you were right and front of me and i still didn't see
the way your voice changed,
the way your clothes changed,
the way your face looked like you always got done crying,
or the weight you lost and the new hallows in your cheeks and your rib cage jutting out
I didn't see any of that and neither did anyone else
we were all caught up in our own problems to notice you
I didn't know until after you were dead what you were feeling
and I can never forgive myself for it
I cry every night because of it and can barely breathe when I remember the old you
or the you you were after he had broke your heart
and i hate myself for not being there, cause if I had you'd be here with me
happy and alive, but i was clueless and young
now I know better than to lose another friend
and now I know I'll see you again
I miss you everyday and wish I'd told you I love you
Dec 2013 · 427
The door to our lives
Chalsey Wilder Dec 2013
The door to our lives is to our hearts
The heart that holds all our fear, love, and hate
and everything in between
The heart that decides to love when we don't want it to,
hate when we do or don't,
and paralyze you with fear you wished never showed
even though it does
it does all this to teach you
to push you
and you can have it bring someone in
or you can push someone out even if you don't mean to, it's your heart protecting you out of fear and sadness
The door to our lives can open or close,
shrink or grow,
can brighten or darken in any way,
heat up or cool down,
can move fast or slow or not at all....
or it can become hallow and lifeless
the termites of everyone and everything eating through
it can break, bend, or twist
it can cave, explode, or flood through everything
the doors to our lives can do all that and more
you can chose whether to close it or not
but if you ever get confused over being hurt
just remember the door isn't a door it's your heart and can be easily broken or even misshaped
Nov 2013 · 539
Shattered
Chalsey Wilder Nov 2013
I feel shattered
All the pieces of my heart are scattered
All of the pieces are clattered
Every bone in my body feels scathed, like it has its scars
Like the pieces of my heart cut deeper into them than any glass could
It poisoned me more than the strongest poison a woman has ever made
The broken pieces of my heart cut into the bones of my fingers and palms
I keep trying to put it back together like it was, already knowing it won't look or feel the same
The blood that flows in my Swiss cheesed heart flows with all the broken promises you never kept and all the empty and faded dreams you decided to give to someone else
I try to use my salt watered tears to weather the sharp edges on my heart down
I drink, I smoke, and have *** with different men to get over you
But it doesn't work
I feel shattered
Every bone in my body aching from the deep cuts of my broken heart
Nov 2013 · 461
The darkness of hope
Chalsey Wilder Nov 2013
The darkness of hopes
Are darker than dreams,
because they're almost dreams
but get crushed more often
They're the crushed dust we walk on
The sand papered bones of our dreams
Bleached white and forgotten in mind, but not in heart
Buried beneath the feet of people who've forgotten and your own
These almost dreams, that are your own fault, dig themselves up from the dead or not so dead and haunt you
Becoming your dark hopes, creating your dark dreams
The darkness of your old hopes brings down your new ones and dims down on your dreams
And the darkness of your hopes will bury you in your forever dark dreams
Oct 2013 · 996
Ever flowing heart
Chalsey Wilder Oct 2013
No one gets to come in
I am trapped inside my everflowing heart
The way it flows with my emotions it feels like I'm drowning
I'm drowning in envy,hate,and depression
My everflowing heart is drowning me in its boiling waves,snuffing out my every breath of relief
It pulls me down in its ever changing current
pushing and pulling my mind out of the equation
pulling me out from inside,I try to escape my everflowing heart
My heart traps me in these rushes of icey and lava showers and currents
And I can never swim away,it grabs hold of my arms and legs and pulls me down
It pulls me down till I'm almost crushed with its weight
The weight of all the pain and the hurt,the misery and the rush
My everflowing heart
Boils on the embers of my pain and weariness
And freezes on the ice of my fears and losses
The fears that crawl into my heart and creep into my mind
My everflowing heart freezes me in my fears, freezes me in my losses
Under its weight I'm frozen,it shifts its current and breaks me to pieces
My everflowing heart
it boils and freezes,
it pushes and pulls,
and breaks and shatters me apart
with its currents and an ever changing moon that controls it with a broken heart that once belonged to someone else
Sep 2013 · 530
I want all of you
Chalsey Wilder Sep 2013
I want all of you
not just secret you
I want all of you
the good and the bad
and I'll give you all of me
Just me and just you
I want all of you
I want the parts you think are ugly but I think are beautiful because it's you
I want the beautiful parts of you even though you think they aren't that beautiful
I want the best of you
And I even want the worse of you
Because everything that's good and bad about you makes you you
And I love you
I don't want to be a secret anymore
I want all of you
So lets not be each others secret because we know exactly how we feel
And now I finally have all of you and you have all of me
Sep 2013 · 559
Damn you all to hell
Chalsey Wilder Sep 2013
**** you all to hell
I'd run away from myself
Cause you are my hell

**** you all to hell
You're the ones that made me
The ones that crushed me

**** you all to hell
You locked me in my cell
Throwed away my key

**** you all to hell
Throwed me in with the hellhounds
Screeching and scratching

Trying to escape
Breaking all your bones I please
**** you all to hell
Aug 2013 · 986
Hold
Chalsey Wilder Aug 2013
He has a hold on it
It feels cold and hot with the intensity of it
My heart
it tricks me into thinking it's love, while he squeezes the life out of me
And then he lets me go
I feel nothing
I am nothing
I feel every pain I felt since I was born
I am the the pain I was given
It overmelms me
It crushes me, liquifies me
But this pain is nothing compared ot the broken heart he gave me
The hold he has on me is strong and unbearable
Tearing me apart while I try to pry his hold off of me
I feel it
Every rip and tear he makes on my soul, while I hear the horrible sound of my broke heart
Broken, torn, and ripped up
I fall
I fall into his arms of crushing betrayal
And I fall in love all over again
And his hold on me will never let go
Aug 2013 · 331
THAT little girl
Chalsey Wilder Aug 2013
You know that little girl
the one that just stares at you and you can just feel it in your skin
The one you see starring at you with unblinking eyes
You wonder if it's an omen or a warning
But you just shrug it off as her being crazy
And then you feel guilty for thinking it and look away
You can still feel it her watching you
you feel yourself sweating, and her breathing down your neck
Then you go to the bathroom
looking in the mirror at yourself you see terror in your eyes
And you're thinking "she's just a little girl" and "this stuff only happens in the movies"
you calm yourself and leave the bathroom
you walk down the hall towards the front door and that little girl isn't there anymore
you sigh with relief and walk to your car
You see the girl fifteen feet from your car
she stands there and whispers something to you, you don't know what it is but it sounds like Latin
You hurry to your car and lock the door
But that doesn't protect you from the girl's stare or her next whispered words "we're coming for you,for what you did,for what you did to us."
You start your engine and leave
Breathing heavily you pull onto the highway
Hours later you get home it's dark and gloomy and the storm is heavy
You find that the power's out so you light some candles and run a bath
You sit back in the hot water as you listen to the storm
you close your eyes and think about the dog you had as a girl
You open your eyes and see the little girl that was at the funeral home leaning over you
you try to scream but she has you by the throat and pushes your head down into the water
And while your struggling against her she keeps on repeating and whispering "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. They're making me do this."
And you realize what it's for
Aug 2013 · 616
Death
Chalsey Wilder Aug 2013
Death's welcoming arms
his warm embrace
him closing in on your soul
giving you the illusion of peace and warmth
you feel your heart beat slowing down
you try to fight it but you can't
Death feels so good but you can still feel the pain of being alive
you feel the darkness in your eyes
and the chill down your spine
you strain your voice to say something
Something like: "Please...forgive me" or "I... love you" or sometimes nothing at all
You let out your last breath and the person leaning over you is screaming and crying out your name, and you can hear it fading away as Death calls you
His song loud and beautiful and his voice warms you
He carries you in his arms and you wrap your arms around his neck
you close your eyes and wait for the beginning of your end
Jul 2013 · 488
swings
Chalsey Wilder Jul 2013
Here I am, in this dream
Sitting beside this squeaky swing
Without you in it next to me
I feel this empty pit inside of me
It's deep, endless, and painfully excruciating
And you filled it with your love for me
You took away the pain for me
Without your love I'm completely empty
Empty like an eternal dreamless sleep
Empty with a dark void within me
And your love was the light within me
The only light that cared to shine for me
My purpose for life is alone and empty
I have nothing to dream of now that you don't love me
My broken heart is still shattered and it screams
Knowing that you don't love me
I'm swinging on this swing
The other one moving with the breeze
The familiar squeak mocking me
Cause when I look I see it's just the breeze
The swings is where I met him, and I go there whenever I miss him, and when I hear the swing squeak I look to see if it's him but I just  see it's just the breeze. And this is all from an old dream, about a guy I've never met
Jul 2013 · 823
Mirror
Chalsey Wilder Jul 2013
Here I am
In front of the mirror
With him behind me
Loving my beauty
But when I turn around, he doesn't exist
And we can only see each other in the mirror
In my dreams I see him in a pool of water and I've only seen him beside me in my reflections
My mirror
The only source of my very fantasies
That I just feel I can't live without
Because the world is so empty,and,yet so full of everything and nothing
But no matter how good he makes me feel in my dreams or in my mirror
It hurts that I love him,thou he's not there
And what the mirror gives me is worthless in reality
Because it keeps me hoping he's out there even when everything is telling me he's not
And I guess that's why I need that mirror
It gives me my hopes, my dreams, and my impossible meanings
So, I guess it's not completely worthless
What the mirror has given me
It isn't just hope, or a dream, or something I just can't reach
But something I can try to achieve
to make me happy
In the mirror, he sees this sad cruel world I'm in, trapped and unsafe
He wants to get me out, but can't
The mirror only shows us what we want
And what I want, is for him to be here with me
And it can't, it doesn't have the strength to
No one does
But the reflections in that mirror only act out my pain
The pain of what I'm missing
And the painful stare of the truth
Jun 2013 · 1.2k
I'm not the same
Chalsey Wilder Jun 2013
I'm not the same girl you met freshmen year
She caught emotional cancer when you first kissed her
That was her very first kiss
And it became very fatal when you took her virginity
And when you broke her heart she was too weak
She died, and I was the only one at the funeral to say "goodbye"
I never saw you there
Then I truly knew that you didn't love me the way I love you
And when you broke her heart
A new girl was given that heart
She was given that heart to ignore
And now she realizes that the broken heart she chose to ignore it still loves you
And whenever she's around you she knows that she'll never stop loving you
But she tries, she tries really hard to stop loving you
But she can't
She can't
She never thought she would fall in love with you and stay in love with you
She doesn't want to be in love with you anymore
But she is
It's amazing how you broke that girl's heart
And that other girl's who has her heart now still has that original girl's love for you
And no matter how broken my heart is, or how shattered it is
I'll always love you
I know I will
Jun 2013 · 1.5k
A lover that cease to exist
Chalsey Wilder Jun 2013
She is lonely
Her heart, body, and soul
Screams to the heavens and to the underworld for a lover
Looking for someone to love her and to want her
Not only physically, but emotionally too
For someone to notice her when she's out of balance and out of care
Someone who will free her from her mind
Someone who will make her heart a whole
Someone who will appreciate her, respect her, care for her
Someone to give her heart to, and more
Someone to be free and open with
But no matter how loud she screams
It hasn't came yet
Her lover ceases to exist
And she remains to keep herself locked up inside
And let her silence intensify
Jun 2013 · 2.1k
My hurtful feelings
Chalsey Wilder Jun 2013
I want love, I want peace
But no uses of a dove, Just climb up the ladder of love
But it is hard for love in this century; just send me a piece of history
Just to see my story again, Over and over again a sin
To see what is wrong with me, I must plea what is against me
Not only for me to see, But for him to respect me
To see my story again, I must go to the beginning
To go to the beginning, I must have him with me
But not a chance
For he doesn't forgive me
For my father doesn't accept me, for whom I can truly be
For his daughter in need
I somehow find another reason to regret the day I was born
My father also agreed
Just by leaving me, alone how could he
I wish I could say something
But my life is finally ending, I say goodbye to my blessings
And all I have left to say, Is that I hate that day
That day was today
Today is my birthday, when we were finally meeting
Jun 2013 · 1.5k
secrets
Chalsey Wilder Jun 2013
My secrets whisper inside him
Whispers so faint, on one could hear them but me
My secrets should never be told
Only two people know of one
And I doubt the person who did it would forget
My secrets so fragile, harsh, and embarrassing
But I can’t put them away, or bury them nicely in the ground
But I try to forget them and try not to mention them in mind or reality
But they always come back to eat at me more than they did when they came last
But it seems every time I deal with them they won’t disappear
Until… until I set them free
And it knows I won’t, so it tugs at me everyday
My secrets, the ones never spoken
They still whisper inside of him
He carries them around hoping it’s not written on his face
Our secret, I wish we’ve both forgotten
But it’s not
My secret, his secret, our secret
Something I regret everyday and every time I close my eyes
My secrets unspoken, have made me more broken
Something no one should ever deal with
So I’ll tell them, but not them all
And everyone will see it on his face
But that won’t make me feel better
So it remains hidden, because of what I won’t do
And because of what they will do
Creating havoc in his life and pity in mine
That just makes it all worst
For me and everyone around me
That secret will always follow me, anywhere I go it’ll still be with me
It’ll still be there when I say it, and it will be everywhere surrounding me in its deafening grip
Pulling the life out of me until I’m stiff with the numbness of a dark, cold soul
Those secrets, my secrets the one's unspoken
Makes my humanity break inside and my heart disappear
Jun 2013 · 679
shadow
Chalsey Wilder Jun 2013
They say enjoy what you got while you have it
Well, what if you don't have anything to enjoy?
Like a shadow, miserable and meek
That's just what I am, a shadow
Doomed to walk the earth, to hide behind everyone's face but my own
And doomed to never be seen by someone you love again
Grey and dark from the inside out
The evil taking away every shred of humanity
However the shadow can't take my every feeling away from me
Especially love, nothing could take that away from me
Not ever!
That's the only brightness that shines within me
And hurts not to share it, not to show it
There is no way to die, and there is no way to live as a shadow
The urge to hurt people is too heavy, too strong
Almost too strong to fight, almost too much to please
The never ending thirst to feed on weak souls
Withering away onto the brink of death, but never dying
And on the verge of life, but never living
Death is what most of us shadows want, but never get it
So we're all lost and never will be found, always hoping we will be
Jun 2013 · 779
what we live for
Chalsey Wilder Jun 2013
Do you want to know, why I feel this way
Asking why is like asking why the world is this way
Because there are few things to be happy about
It’s hard to be happy by the simplest of things
I wonder why it’s hard to be happy and easy to be sad
I wonder why it’s we have to work so hard for so much time, to get a few seconds of happiness
You might as well not work at all it’ll save you some time
And yet, you still work in a world of despair
Just to have those few moments of happiness that will never last forever
And I’ve just realized that’s the only thing we live for
To work as hard as we can to grasp those few moments of happiness
If that’s all we do in life, what happens after life’s over
Do we still work or something else?
I wonder, I really do wonder why we do the things we do and how we feel about it
Because if this is what we live for, then what we die for should be worth dying for
What we live for is happiness, pleasure, and comfort
In a variety of ways what we live for can be done in either a good way or a bad one
The bad things we live for like revenge, corruption, and dying
But the things we live for the most happiness, joy, freedom, and love
That’s the only thing
That keeps us from destroying ourselves
Life is fragile and hard at the same time
Fragile because it can be crushed like a butterfly or shattered like a dream
Hard like ice, and has the carelessness of fire
All I say is true, and I have two questions for you
What would you do in the moment of truth?
And what do you think we live for?
Answer that for me
Jun 2013 · 458
sorrow
Chalsey Wilder Jun 2013
where there is sorrow there is pain
there is misery and an empty heart to gain
sorrow, misery, and pain can be a poetic train that can keep you moving, moving toward the eye of the hurricane
the life you're living it's just the rain
the rain of your sorrows, the hurricane
the hurricane that stays in the ocean, sending off your rain
the rain that drives you insane
caving into your sorrows, painfully
the hurricane, slowly closing in on your hopes and dreams
and drowning out your screams and pleas
it makes your body tremble with ease
the ease of dying
and letting out your last breath, you know you've done your best
your best to swim out of your sorrows
while in the eye of the hurricane
Jun 2013 · 816
Love, It hurts
Chalsey Wilder Jun 2013
It hurts
It hurts to kiss you
It hurts to hug you
It hurts to make love to you
And yet, it all feels good at the same time
Even when you touch me
Everything you do has a big effect on me
No matter how big or small
But the effect feels like it's crushing me
Because thinking, no knowing that your love for me will end
That's the only reason it hurts
Our love for each other both helps and destroys me
Because I hope to spend the rest of my life with you
To grow old with you, and be happy forever
But knowing that all this will never happen
That's what's hurting me the most, that you'll hate me when I love you
And that I'll turn bitter inside, crushed because you hurt me, and never letting go of what's hurting me on the inside
All of this I'm hoping will not happen
But it will one way or another
Whether it's with you or someone else
This always happens
To each and every one of us
It hurts
Deep down inside it hurts
Just enough to make us bitter, in some cases a little more less than so
It hurts, so just to let go
But it also hurts to do so
It takes a lot
A lot to let go, of everything
Considering he took everything out of you
Your time, your money, and most of all your feelings
And yet, it takes way more than that to let go
It hurts, and forever and always will hurt
It hurts, especially when you let go
Jun 2013 · 594
Rainbow
Chalsey Wilder Jun 2013
Rainbow, every color true and glad
And blue means depressed or sad
Red it's an ironic color, because it means love and it also means hate
Violet means anything ******
Green means sickness and nature
Yellow means to be joyous and shining bright with happiness
Brown, black, or grey it all means the same
It means it's just another day
White can mean anything
It can even mean nothing
So, this is it the rainbow true and sad
And I hope to make you very glad
Be any color but, white and black
And be sure to keep an eye on your back
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