With, ADHD
You don't really get quiet moments.
Every sleepover I'm the last to fall asleep because I'm too hyper or I don't feel prepared and even if I'm exhausted I just have to get that song out of my head
When class is boring that's the WORST
I start to think of him
And what we could be
And how much I love him
But later I'll talk to him
And feel a pit of hurt in my heart
It's a contradiction I can't confront
Because I've already thought about every outcome and none is good.
ADHD is almost a type of anxiety
I can't
Stop
Thinking
At lunch time people beg and tell saying "WANT A CHAIR?"
I said "YEAH BUT I CAN'T SIT DOWN."
they laugh as if I was joking.
I feel the need to constantly be moving, constantly speaking
Because I've already found out, everyone wants to meet the funny guy.
I will be so tired I can't keep my head up after school but in my thoughts I am chasing after endless answers and questions to entertain who's next to me in hopes to make a good impression
Even if we talk
Everyday.
It's good to know I'm always hyper and have something to do but
Horrible to know
I will
NEVER
Be normal. Think normal, move normal, I take normal as boring and I definitely won't train myself to be that way.
Having ADHD ruins me but at the same time, keeps me from the rest and I don't know which is worst or which is best.

People always say
"Music keeps me sane."
But I don't get the random urge to kick those rocks when my phone is dead getting off the bus at 6pm,
The cry to selfharm is not only called through my mind
but when I'm listening to the screaming of friendly monsters
I run to the blade quicker.
Music keeps me insane.

Have you ever popped a bubble and it ended up being a dud bubble?
Well sometimes I have dud bubbles too..
Certain parts of me
I don't like to make noise about
As I go quiet
While other times,
I will wake the dead with my yodeling
For confidence is rare

I hate you
I hate the way you smile
I hate the way your hair looks in the morning
I hate your smirks and dazzling eyes
I hate that you make me nervous
I hate that you're always trying to figure me out
I hate that you notice the little things about me
I hate that you care about me
I hate that you know about me

because now I crave your affection

I hate how you ignore me for hours
I hate that you tell me all about her
I hate everything about you

And maybe that's why I hate myself so much
I've become so attached that I fear I am no where near good enough

I am, bubble wrap.
Me
I am bubbly
Very
Bubbly
More in front of my friends
Dog
and acquaintances to be specific
I have times where every little thing in life seems to excite me
But though I seem see through,
I am not
for I do have a flat side of me
This side is most shown in my
work ethic
family
and friends when they need someone to talk to
Back to the bubbly side
It can go flat as well
With just enough pressure
as anyone
I can pop.

Now there is a thing called
"left and right side brain" dominance
Left side being an organized filter of OCD,
And the right side being very scattered and street smart
But I am 100% completely 50% of each side of the brain exactly
with certain times in my life
I am very OCD
hence the perfect placement of the bubble open the sheet of bubble rap
But with life,
I want to be an event planner,
lawyer,
book writer,
airplane attendant,
anything special
hence the way this bubble wrap has many uses
I do take it as my purpose in life to protect and care for others
So throw me around,
put me in a box,
step on me,
wether im here for your amusement or for comforting reasons,
I'll take great pride in being used by you
For that is how my anxiety has consumed me
I. Am. Bubble wrap.

I care about popularity
I care about my looks
I care about the boy in the back of the class
Yet
I don't care about who I surround myself with
I don't care about my health, why eat more than 1 meal a day
I only care if the boy in the back of class likes me
Because,
I don't care about myself
I care about you. The one reading, it's You.
It's me,
Caring too much
Acting stupid for you
Starving for you
Just to look perfect enough so you know,
I'm here for you.
It's is such a selfless act of anxiety so discriminated.

I keep telling people who ask,
I'm the best I've ever been!
But if that's so true
Why am I still crying every night because I miss my brothers
Or blame myself for the divorce
Or regret liking this boy because even though we've kissed a lot, I don't think he likes me
Yet I'm happy?
I have a job,
Family with structure,
A school with great grades on my scripts
But I can't trust anyone or see where I fit
I'm so lost in a little city
But don't worry big city 'friends,' I'm great!

Nothing hurts more
Than the ping in your stomach
The drop of your heart
The screaming in your mind
When you're talking with your everything
And he sets you down to answer the phone call
from his side boo

My heart is racing
Was what I just said okay?
Are you okay?
A moment that would never end.
I’m just a concerned person
To you I tried to hug you to
To me I was blocking you from the rain on our smoke break
I’m sorry it was my idea to come to this place
And you hunny studs couldn’t talk to me much
Because I was always looking at something else to do
Every glance away from you I had
I’m scared and you don’t understand why
But I understand why not so when you said “I’m going home”
Just because you didn’t want to deal with me as the worst of plenty before
I was concerned you don’t like me
Even as a human being..
Convinced you don’t
So before we parted in the dawn before a new day,
a rootbeer lollipop in hand you said goodnight and I said goodbye . -Walmart employee

Two years later I lost my life to the past and four months later I realized I
COULD live my life without you
Six months earlier I struggled to find myself because you blinded me with your shiny teeth and bright eyes yet now I'm here
Still sad, but no *****.

"What a ****
You're a waste of space
Selfish brat
No one will ever like you
Ugly ******"

Words escalated after I said
"I'm a bit cold"
in 30 degree weather
Wearing a thin long sleeve..
Words from my own mother

I would like for her to repeat those phrases after she's
seen me throwing up every "snack" I've eaten in 3 days

Have her watch me cry and shake in the bathtub while slitting my wrists because a blade hurts way less than her words

Have her watch me spend hours looking at thinspo and
"how to be perfect" websites for self expectance because she's torn me down too far

I want her to watch me talk to the people at school because she sees me as the hammer I smash my ribs against with; but truly, I am gentle

I am petrified to raise my hand in class because I am so scared to mess myself up... Mommy said it was wrong to mistake.
I will cry in a bathroom stall for hours if a girl DARE tell me she thinks she doesn't look good enough for the world today because that's how I feel with reminders every hour
But,
Maybe I am selfish
Selfish to keep myself away from human engagements for so long
But mommy says it's for the better
Better if I stay away

The words I've learned to trust so much
It's the words that stab me over and over
Those words are the reason I cannot accept a compliment or state my thoughts aloud

Feeling far worse than suicide.
Self harming
Burning
Carving
Words hurt more
Her words hurt most

And now mommy might know
Why there is a tear stained note waiting for her in her bedroom tonight
And she might feel just a bit of pain
As I did everyday

Goodbye mom, I thought I loved you.

I mess up ALOT,
So let me tell you now:
Hold me
Hold me tight
No matter how much I
Push
Shove
Claw
Or tease
Don't let me go
I WILL regret pushing you away
So hold me tighter
And don't let go

I was the one who turned you down
Too scared of other's opinions
While those opinions wouldn't have hurt nearly as much
as not being able to touch your warm hands in the middle of winter

I love you
And you love me
Sounds like the perfect mix
But you do not
Love my skin tone
Or crippling anxiety
Or tears down my face
You love
My laughter
And smile
And attention
While I love every piece of you
You find problems I keep trying to resolve
And change
Just for you
Because
I love you
And you love me
Just not all of me

I can't return my regretted actions
I can't apologize for ruining your life
I can't move on from my past
I can't be anyone better
I can't escape where I am
I am this sickening person
I am this borned curse
I am dead

Home alone again
He called me and it was all going good
I  finally said "hey I'm not doing to well."
He said "hey I gatta go, dinner is ready."
My heart not only shattered but froze still
I told him how things were
And he ran
Ran away from me
Back to no one
And it scares me so much ******* more
than death

Wake up late
Run to the bus
Finish up school
Do homework on the bus
Walk (kick, wander, jump, skip) home
The days are as simple as those 5 steps but when the night creeps In the doorway with me, arriving home at 6pm,
I feel the wollow of worthlesness
As if I am weightless
Absolutely empty.
What is my worth to this world?
Thought about it a million times.
And I am truly a nothing
But those 5 steps

There's something that doesn't feel right
When I moved out and told you this was best for me
Or when I didn't say goodbye to my little brother because he was outside playing
are both things I did for logical reasons
But if it was so logical
Why am I laying here alone questioning my reasoning for what I did?
Because now things just don't feel right.

**** am I scared to lose you
Not to physically lose you
But scared of the mental feeling of when I do

I'm so scared to be the past mistake of yours
The mess up of a best friend
The one you talk about behind my back when it's all over

Because I'll be here
crying my eyes out for months
Wanting to hold what we had again

last night I looked into your eyes and blessed myself for these moments

Cause Right now we have a future to fulfill
But these plans have been made before, crushed before, not with you but what a similar scenario
..I have a feeling you'll be the same.

It might be my 3am broken mind but I've been thinking and I regret giving you my whole world because I have nothing else to give now
and how do I raise my significance that in our mind has fallen at a drastic rate

I see no point in next year.

You keep saying I love you!
And I can’t stand it
Not because your laugh rings in my ears
Or because your positivity spreads through me
But because it’s been over a year since I’ve seen you last and all you can say is I love you!
I love you too but mom I’m hurt.
I’m so lost.
You told me we’re all lost but I would never let someone else feel that way.
I’m dissapointed you couldn’t even read the letters I sent you.
Mom I don’t know if I love you anymore. I miss you but I don’t think this is the you I know. Maybe it never was.
Mom you called me today asking where the **** was while my day at work made me feel like quitting.
But you don’t know that. The same way you don’t know how hurt you’ve made me.
But I won’t show that. I love you!