I would understand the meaning culture if it wasn't presented in an electronic box
Maybe I would understand the Mexican culture if it wasn't taught in
Seven minute intervals by a middle aged Caucasian
Who has never been to Mexico.
Online Spanish dictionaries have gotten me no where
And only dig my job applications deeper in the pile of "to be considered"
After more than a year, I still need fluent Spanish speakers to take my test for me
I'm only cheating the system because being "Tech Savvy" means they're
Cheating my education.
The lesson on food told me to pronounce it
"case-ah-dil-lah"
Because we are in America and "that's how we say it"
Typing two r's in a row will not teach me how to roll them.

I began typing just now but the words stopped coming.
My writing disappeared, yet when I got my mind back it was over.
Submissions displayed like a screen as white and clean as my mind,
While words spilled freely to my companions, secretly my fingers bleed a distant freedom from you.
You are the innocent abuser which I have pressed to love forever yet continuously mutilated my sanctum until unrecognisable.
Not one will distinguish my former self over who I've become, without the gentle mindless soul which glowed from before.
My words and heart have been strangled while the words I write and write blossom poisons into my blood.
My writing and feeling are the disease you so cruelly infected me with, forcing thoughts of nothing less than pain towards me by you.
I had never thought of pain before you, when we had been so young and timeless.
You have cut me deeper than any sharp edge could.
I've now bled the weeping stories from my bones and felt the small stinging pains from what I wished were just paper cuts.
Yet every time I dance this dance, the paint I leave creates a story about you.
A story about my lover.
A story of betrayal and emptiness and the loss of time and space.
The clock seems to keep moving forever but I cannot be dragged from our empty well.
It must be refilled wether it be wine or the toxic rain, I'll stay in our pit of dark mistakes until I feel the wet drop on my back.
The kind that shows forgiveness.
I'll never leave this place,
Because I know you'll never come back.
I know you think I'm putrid and horrifying now, as well as placing for my death in whispers I'm not supposed to hear.
But there is no reason to sever a strand of hope.
Especially when it is the only thing tying you to the ground.

I came to a possible realisation,
You're as likely to change the world
by writing a paper or going into politics
as you are by taking drugs in a park
or talking furiously at strangers;
That's surely false. What strange,
******-up, vain-glorious worlds
we choose to live in. Yurt (for social justice)!

I want out.
I just want out.
Who doesn't want
to escape,

How many fall prey to
distraction along the way?
They get high, or comfortable
because they can afford to escape.

Nevermind the sober,
Ignore the starving,
Let apathy destroy
everything humanism yearned for.

There's nowhere to run, nor is there anyone,
Who would risk it, those migrants, them exiles
and the refugees, what are they fleeing from?
Not to engage in confrontation, to escape from
the war we brought to their homeland. We did this,
We made the world the way it is today, sitting here
typing away. What am I trying to say? Escape or change,
When you escape you forfeit your say, they'll change anyway.

How painful must it be to leave your home, to grapple with that
it was taken away, and one's say; we sit here, typing for change,
Trying to escape.

My eyes itch,
My throat burns
The coffee in the pots burnt
And my mugs cold

The TV's on in the backroom,
Someone's been skinned-
Stripped of all fleash-
Screaming,
Screaming,
Silence.

My computer screen stares back at me
And my eyes water at the light.
They try to close

My heart beats
Ba boom
Ba Boom
BA BOOM
Each thump hurts more and more

Typing, typing, typing

I love you

My mouth turns upright
And I feel my heart settle a bit

I love you too

Night

Night

Nicotine and coffee

I wiggle and scream
Much like the TV did
Only to wake to lonely silence

Shower and reheat the dark muddy drink
One quick cigarette
And

**Good morning my love,
       I've missed you.

Every day, a new sentence
prepared in our heads
We try to plan out our lives
but they never coincide
I'm looking up to the sky
With all these questions why
thinking that I'll get answers in reply
I can't seem to think straight
Thought I had all this sense
But I can't find the change
And every day I check,
that a new day has come
But I'm a song stuck on repeat
one that sticks in your conscious for weeks

Why am I not living life the way I should
Seems I’m stuck in traffic Morning and night
Work all day just to come home to sleep away the night
Is this really all I'm meant to be
Used to think I was meant for greatness
Now I just can't see, that being me.
Feels like I've left this all too late
I came unprepared to storm this gate
Better turn back now,
just let this dream fade

Always thought greatness
was where my life would lead
But now I see, I didn't need greatness
To feel fulfilled and succeed
Thought fame would be away
To achieve everything I'd need
But fame just brings disaster
and attention I really don't want
So I think I can be happy with what I've got

And this is no real story
Just thinking out loud
Through fingers, I keep typing
Hoping this will connect
Maybe someone out there
Needs something to which they can relate
And I've felt those feelings
where you spiritually connect
In others writings, It's a talent
Which is a blessing to possess
I'm trying to find that spark
That helped me light up the dark
Haven't written in so long
But I know this is somewhere I belong

Why am I not living life the way I should
Seems I’m  stuck in traffic Morning and night
Work all day just to come home to sleep away the night
Is this really all I'm meant to be
Used to think I was meant for greatness
Now I just can't see, that being me.
Feels like I've left this all too late
I came unprepared to storm this gate
Better turn back now,
just let this dream fade

Always thought greatness
was where my life would lead
But now I see, I didn't need greatness
To feel fulfilled and succeed
Thought fame would be away
To achieve everything I'd need
But fame just brings disaster
and attention I really don't want
So I think I can be happy with what I've got

I've written a bunch of verses
Unfinished works, Sometimes it truly hurts
losing motivation for something
you once so dearly loved
It got you through all those hard times
Now you won't even take the time
To write out some lines,
think of some quips and rhymes
Try to define yourself as a poet
Get those emotions out
With a pen and paper now
So that you can show it
And all those who need to read
So that they can see
there not in this alone,
They're in this with me

Why am I not living life the way I should
Seems I stuck in traffic Morning and night
Work all day just to come home to sleep away the night
Is this really all I'm meant to be
Used to think I was meant for greatness
Now I just can't see, that being me.
Feels like I've left this all too late
I came unprepared to storm this gate
Better turn back now,
just let this dream fade

Always thought greatness
was where my life would lead
But now I see, I didn't need greatness
To feel fulfilled and succeed
Thought fame would be away
To achieve everything I'd need
But fame just brings disaster
and attention I really don't want
So I think I can be happy with what I've got

©2017 Written By Benji James

3 am
you are responding slowly. i say i love you. you do not respond.

5 am
i say have a nice day you say you too.

7 am
i write you a poem of words i barely knew before google and thesauri i tell you you are beautiful. read at 7 17

11 am
i am in class biting my fingers you have not said a word i have sent you fifteen messages all left unread i am worried

2 pm
you have said nothing my head is shaking my hands are spinning you usually respond so quickly

3 pm
i saw that you were typing as i exited my messages. i never got a message.

5 pm
i sent a simple hi and was sent an automatic response that you had been offline for too long my message would be delivered when you came back online

7 pm
i sent you messages to see when you came back. you didnt come back.

1 month
its been 31 days youre still offline

2 months
i got a message today and i saw your name and my stomach flipped you said only hi and i said hello back. you did not reply.

1 year
i do not think of you, you left.

2 years
i saw you on the street you looked like a new person. i waved but you assumed i was acknowledging someone else. you walked away.

2.5 years
i got a message from an unsaved number that you killed yourself today and my number was in your phone and i might like to be informed. i didnt reply.

It’s past 2 in the morning and the only thing holding you two together is the group chat a classmate administrate because both are you (and others, of course) are generally in the same group for this semester but you are split in classes but you have two that are the same together. An assignment is due to be emailed that night and he just got back from god knows where and you’re a tad curious (maybe more) because during old times, he would tell you the things he do simply because you were the best company and the both of you complement each other. He said that he was going to pull off an all-nighter and you can’t help your fingers from typing down a witty response.

The nostalgia taking over you as you shot bullets of reply to him because he was doing the same. Soon enough it seemed as though you two were the only ones alive in the group along with a few other irrelevant comments to your bickering. His last message was an icon of a high five and you purposely left him hanging and close the application in your phone. With a soft chuckle, you shook your head and continued reading the poetry book you recently bought.

He knows you like the back of his hand, and it just hit past well about 4 in the morning and you’re still awake. What do you know it? A message from him- asking why you left his last message on the group chat hanging. That personal conversation went on as if you were in the past again; as if he wasn’t dating your ex-best friend, as if you weren’t hurt being left because it was that play where the two of you were the main characters with an unattached past. Your story is the type of love where you’re best friends and you know you get a bit giddy when it’s way beyond your bedtime. You’ve been involved with writing poems after you were left to be on your own and this idea was blown to you.

You send him a poem of which you wrote but you give him under a pseudonym so he wouldn’t know it’s by you. He said that it was deep and probably something he doesn’t think he can ever reach in an emotional level of expressing. It hit you. He was the perfect critic for the other poems you wrote. So you gave him a few more and it happened. He asked you if you’ve written any. Could this be the chance for you to finally prove to the only boy you’ve been stupidly pining on that you’re doing sort of well and that you just need him to subconsciously be the muse of your work?

You make a deal. 5 poems and he guess which is yours. He whines that 5 is too much as you’ve already given him others before. You really wanted him to read what else you still have so you reduced it to 3 and he grudgingly accepted (like the little whiny boy you have grown to love him to be). You gave him one about your ex-boyfriend, another about a boy you were infatuated with and lastly, one about him. And you waited. You waited for what it seemed like hours when it was just a petty 10 minutes. He narrowed it down to the one of him and the other boy. You guessed he would have let go of the one about your ex-boyfriend because he was there when he hurt you.

The paranoia seeps into your soul wondering if his could feel the one you wrote about/for him. Finally, he chose the one you wrote for the other boy because he rather sort of knows about that short amount of time where you really thought you really could like him. You hadn’t realised that you were holding your breath the whole time he was deliberating which to choose. A voice spoke in your mind telling that you should be grateful that he chose the one you wrote for the other boy as if he had chosen the one you wrote for him, what excuse behind that story are you going to make up?

And with that, the conversation of your writing opened up to a whole new request. He asked what else have you written about and you said just about your past and your broken family and such. He knows how bad the situation with your family is so he asked if you had written about the new spectacles you started wearing at the beginning of the semester because your vision gradually went from 20/20 to blurred lines during your current time in college. You perked, what to write about these glasses, you asked. He joked saying anything, but it has to include his name.

You were intrigued with the idea and agreed. He retracted saying that he was just joking as how do you put a name in a poem anyway. You just told him you’ll think about it but after saying that, you grabbed your pen and paper and began writing. He wanted it to be about your glasses and inclusive of his name, then you’ll give him just that. Your conversation lasted until dawn and believe it or not, you fell asleep first and missed your morning class at 8. When you woke up, a message from him (sounding as if he’s snickering at you) asking where you were.

Oh, the heavy weight of lying. You told him that you weren’t feeling well and that you’re going for the afternoon class at 2 instead (not with him).

After that class finished at 4 p.m., you sent him the poem you wrote for him the other night. He said that it was really good but he never questioned about him. You really wanted to prove that you could take up the challenge of writing a poem and having his name. You said, “You wanted a poem with your name, so here you go” and he was dumbfounded (as you quite expected). “But I don’t see my name anywhere”.

You told him that the beginning letter of every two lines spelt his name. His reaction was one you’re to treasure.

It was a bittersweet ending to your little fantasy story as that will be the last you’ll hear directly from him for months to come.

I'm a write this one in blood
Straight from the arteries
Of my heart, I'm stuck
In situation overload
Currents on overflow
And I can't fight this feeling
Killing me slowly
(On the inside)
There's something deep in my soul
I'm losing, being taken over
I've lost all function in my body
Guess I'll just lay here on the floor
Can't find the will
To keep on walking anymore
Maybe I should just crawl
Nah leave me here
In this dark room
With just these memories of you

Crown me the King of failure
I failed myself
For believing your lies
I failed myself for thinking
There could have ever been a us
Crown me the King of failure
For failing myself
For not listening to what was being, said in my head

I'm crushed
Crashing my dreams
Wanted so bad to believe
You were the one
I got crushed
Betrayed by emotions
All over again
I've been, crushed.
Yeah crushed
Crushed, by love

Oh, girl, I'm not even
The slightest bit mad
I'm just really sad
That you would lie like this to me
You said that you trusted me
You said there was no boundary between us
Remember when you said that
How could you let those words come out?
When none of this was true
I won't suffer in your silence
I won't let that hurt form into violence
And in your ignorance
Maybe I hurt
Maybe I fall
But I won't let this destroy my soul

Crown me the King of failure
I failed myself
For believing your lies
I failed myself for thinking
There could have ever been a us
Crown me the King of failure
For failing myself
For not listening to what was being, said in my head

I'm crushed
Crashing my dreams
Wanted so bad to believe
You were the one
I got crushed
Betrayed by emotions
All over again
I've been, crushed
Yeah crushed
Crushed, by love.

Oh gotta stay strong
Keep holding on
Find a way to move on
Yeah gotta keep moving forward
Keep looking straight
And don't lose focus
Come on I know you know this
Never wanted to give up
Never wanted to give in
Thought we could have worked out everything
But your choice has been made
You never wanted me to stay
Why could you never just say that to me
Why couldn't you just be completely honest with me

Crown me the King of failure
I failed myself
For believing your lies
I failed myself for thinking
There could have ever been a us
Crown me the King of failure
For failing myself
For not listening to what was being, said in my head

I'm crushed
Crashing my dreams
Wanted so bad to believe
You were the one
I got crushed
Betrayed by emotions
All over again
I've been, crushed
Yeah crushed
Crushed, by love.

It's time to let go
Shut the door
You left me all alone
To work this out on my own
Typing lines on my phone
At least you were kind enough
To leave me new material
Got so much I could write an album
You'll never see me drowning
These emotions that you left,
were only a challenge.
Just a test
You didn't want me at my worst
You'll never get me at my best
All right, oh yes
I'm getting over it
Yeah I'm moving past this

Crown me the King of failure
I failed myself
For believing your lies
I failed myself for thinking
There could have ever been a us
Crown me the King of failure
For failing myself
For not listening to what was being, said in my head

I'm crushed
Crashing my dreams
Wanted so bad to believe
You were the one
I got crushed
Betrayed by emotions
All over again
I've been, crushed
Yeah crushed
Crushed, by love.

©2017 Written By Benji James

A year is not that long
A day is gone in a breath
and you can barely blink in between Mondays.
Four weeks in a month,
and only twelve months this year.
A year is not that long
But a year can change everything.
365 days from now I might be asleep
In your lap at last.
My face in the crook of your neck
and my breathing is slow and deep.
There must be stars in my breath
And forgotten spells in your hair
because this moment is magic.
or maybe you’re sitting on your bed alone
turning over a letter
knowing you shouldn’t do this again
But you trace your hands over the print
Still smooth and undisturbed black
Because you were always careful not to cry
on the last thing you had left
since I never made it home to you.
Maybe you and I hug before we part in the mornings;
we do it every day but it never feels routine.
I remember a hundred times I cried to be held like this
and you squeeze me tight like you’ll never let go
And then we break apart and you smile as I pick up my coffee
because it’s so good to be together.
Or maybe you nod when people say I’m in a better place
and make jokes to crease worry out of their brows.
But at night you send messages to an inactive account
about how much you miss me
and if you could have any miracle it’d be another chance
to make me laugh again.
The messages never read “seen” anymore
Because I’m under six feet of dirt
and typing ellipses are just a memory now.
Maybe you’re worried
because you really need at least a B on that test
but I sneak up behind you with tickles
and you scream that you’ll ****** me
but I get a piggy back ride around the living room instead
Multiple choice and essay questions forgotten.
Or you’re staring at my smile
Fondly remembering how much I complained about braces
But how pretty it is (you won’t say was)
and ignoring the thick ache in your chest
imagining me pressing the shutter button
to capture a selfie
that would last longer than me.
You won’t let yourself think about
how the twinkle in those eyes
will never again exist in this world.
A year is not that long
But a year can change everything.
365 days;
Only God knows what shall come.

not able to think
but able to write
because my fingers are working
while my brain is sleeping
but "your brain never stops"
that's what I thought
until my mind went blank
and my hands didn't stop
adapting a mind of their own
contantly writing
without thinking
because my mind is numb
and I am dead
but my hands are alive
typing and writing
not sure where my mind went
but my hands
they're telling my story
without  my consent
without my consciousness
without a breath between words
or thoughts
because my thoughts are gone
and now belong to my hands
and I am gone
but I still stand
with my body numb
and my mind blank
while my hands carry on

(Five parts, all are listed here.)
War
My mind battles my body
Tearing apart the threads of what I live for
An eternal fight that can never be won
Time running out
Nothing seems to save me
Part of me wanting to live
Part of me wanting to die
Neither side winning
Yet neither side losing.
And time is the only constant.
But time is the thing I have the least of
Time is the thing that I’m losing
And no matter what I do,
The war is always raging.
The battle never ending.
And that’s the way my life feels.
A constant battle of good and bad.
A constant battle of the will to live
And the will to die.

Famine
I dream of happiness
Yet everything good
Is torn away from me
By depression
Never feeling good enough
But needing something
To hold onto.
The hunger of that thing
Rips into my heart
Gnawing on my soul
Eating everything it can reach.
But nothing satisfies its appetite.
Of the thing it needs most.
So I let it consume me
Sense I can’t control it.
No matter what I do.

Pestilence
Depression leaks into my soul.
It covers every part of me with a black, consuming acid.
It wants to steal me away slowly.
But it isn’t merciful enough to finish the task.
And it isn’t merciful enough to surface to the outside.
Where others can see it.
So it consumes my soul,
My mind,
My body.
And enjoys my suffering.
The darkness fills every corner of my body.
And filters out the light.
Taking my body over so even I can’t control it.
Using myself against me.
Showing me my weaknesses but not my strengths.
And somehow, I’m still here despite the mental disease worse than any physical one.
Because it can’t be cured with any antidote, no matter how strong.
No matter what I do, the darkness seems to win.

Death
My heart has stopped working
It doesn’t care about beating, the darkness has already stopped it from wanting and willing to live.
My brain has stopped thinking
The darkness won’t let it think anything but thoughts of darkness, why think when you can’t.
My face has stopped smiling
Nobody believes it anyways, the darkness can’t be seen, but my laugh has already been terminated.
My soul has stopped living
It has no reason to, not when the darkness has stolen its faith of a new beginning.
My body has stopped sleeping
Why sleep when all your dreams are filled with nightmares, when all your nights are restless to begin with?
My mind has stopped caring
It doesn’t need to, not when the darkness has already shown it that each thing it loved can be lost.
My eyes have stopped crying
Why cry when you have nothing left to care about? When everything you loved has left?
My body has grown limp
Why move when you have no reason to live?
My body is just a machine.
I’ve become a mindless automaton controlled by the dark depression I’ve fallen into.
My fingers have stopped typing
Why type when you’ve nothing to say? When the words run dry, when everything you say is just mindless babbling?
Why live when you can’t?
Why live when you’ve already died to begin with?

The Angel
The darkness has filled me.
I’m close to the end.
One more step and I’m gone.
One more step and it’s over.
But then there is a light.
A light more beautiful than any other.
More vibrant than the sun.
A star is nothing compared to the way the light shone.
And the angel approached me.
It tried to remove the darkness.
It couldn’t.
No matter how it tried.
So instead, it comforted me.
But the angel was whisked away from me.
Right as the darkness was losing its strength.
And so I was forced to watch the angel leave.
My angel. My hope. My love, removed from me.
The thing that gave me light in the darkness was taken away.
The end of my tunnel was closed off.

Hello? Are you there? I ask.
I need to talk, but no one is listening.
Just one quick second, and I will be finished,
But please just take a moment to hear my words.

If someone screams in the middle of the woods,
Is there anyone there to hear his cries?
Or are there only trees and rocks and things
That hear him yell and swallow his words
And prevent others from hearing his pain?

Hello? Are you there? I ask again.
I need to talk, but no one is listening.
I have some more to say about the way I feel,
So please listen and help me, for this one time.

If a star is alone in the vastness of space
Is there anything there to admire its shine?
Or is it destined to twinkle, isolated from others
While children sings songs and wish upon other stars
While this one is alone in the dark?

Hello? Are you there? I ask with urgency.
I need to talk, but no one is listening.
Just a few more words, please hear me out.
I'm dying to tell this to someone who cares.

I have tons of friends on Facebook
Plenty of email addresses to write to
And numerous numbers to text and call
But why do I still feel like I have no one to talk to?
Why do I feel so alone?

Hello? Are you there? I ask desperately.
I need to talk, but no one is listening.
I feel alone, like the world is against me,
And I need someone to understand me.
Today we have lots of ways to communicate.
Writing letter, typing emails,
Talking and texting on the phone,
Chatting on Facebook or other social networks,
Even plain old talking face-to-face talking.
But even with all these ways to talk to others,
Why are my words never heard?

Hello? Are you there? I ask with despair.
I need to talk, but no one is listening.
I'm starting to hurt more, feeling more alone
Waiting for someone to come along and say, "Are you okay?"

I feel like a dolphin swimming through the ocean
Using sonar sounds to locate other dolphins
But all the others are with each other
And none of them hear my calls
So I continue to swim alone in the sea
The vast, salty, cold ocean water
Hiding the tears coming out of my eyes

Hello? Are you there? I ask, crying out.
I need to talk, but no one is listening.
I'm tired of bottling my feelings up,
But there is no one else to tell them to.

Why can I be in a room full of people
Yet feel so alone at the same time?
Why do I give so much advice to others
Yet struggle to find someone who will listen to me?
Is it even worth trying to find an ear
To take in the words that come from my mouth?

Hello? Are you there? I ask in a whisper.
I need to talk, but no one is listening.
Hey, do you have some time to talk to me?
Oh wait, no? Okay, oh well…
I guess I'm alone.

There we stood falsly charged   of crimes  we had not commited
or at least  thought  no one had seen.

Jack Horner.
acussed of  lewd acts with a horse   well least he had a ride home afterwards
also acussed  ******  insanity   arson   petty theft   double dipping  
car jacking hey if the cars into it i see no harm in it.
truelley  he's a all around good guy.

Chris Smith.
For being a well okay  he's probaly the innocent one

Gary la Budha.
For selling to many books and drinking my last beer
and  for  ******* on thee toilet seat.

John Patrick Robbins AKA  Gonzo
For serving minors inciting a riot  farting in church  spiking the punch and creating a mess at the highschool prom.
200 drunken publics   3000 dui's    public ******   dam sports event's do it every time  ******* chess matches.

Breaking and entering **** i wondred why my house was locked
and some man was sleeping with my wife hell
here i find i have one and she's already cheating on me.
no woder thoose kids look nothing like me.

And for being such a good looking crazy *******  I added that one.


We were some fine upstanding  kinda ****** up guys.
The trial was a joke thr key witness Drew .D  glared at us
I felt violated as i knew mentally she undressed me  with her eye's

The video was the real kicker  ****** I told you Jack that
wasnt  Mr Es  barn we broke into  hippos dont wear  dresses .
Yes mate but there so dam **** he replied.

what do you have to say for yourselfs the man in his black Pajamas asked.
Once was kinda strange i had to get dressed up yet this senile old man thought we  were at a pajama party.

Order in the court yes your honor i'll have a martini.
We were found guilty but even a courts wall cant contain crazy.
  
With a spark of unplanned drunken brillance  like a **** between friends  we sprang into action Jack taking on the  officers  
Chris you take the judge   I'll handle the she devil  Drew.

In a battle fitting for saturday night pro wrestiling we
faught like  wild animals and drunk women chairs flew
ears  were bitten  body parts fonddled  
Drew screamed hey pervert get your hands off my ***.

No time for foreplay now satan  and i sure hope  you smuggled
a gun or salami in here thats just wrong.

Grabbing the curtian and  that hot court lady who insisted on typing through the whole dam trial  like a drunken pirate  who shops at walmart  a called to my brothers were blowing this popstand  slash pajama party.

Through the window we flew crashing through the roof of  a well placed mini van below  we could hear the pixie like screams above As Mr E
screamed goddamit thats my ******* van.

Into the sunset like mighty drunken legends we rode
hey you guys ever been to Atlantic City?
bound for trouble and and a few rest stops inbetween
hey were drinkers   and nobody likes to smell like ***.

Untill next time were the always guilty
Were the G team.

i find the fact that you edit out little mistakes in typing hilarious.
you get high out of your mind and say the weirdest ******* **** i've ever seen
all over facebook
but it is ******* grammatically correct

brian,
you complain all over the internet
about how in love with me you are
you whine to anyone who will listen
but you are so unpredictable
irritable
******* out of your mind
that i can't love you
you're like loving a flippant breeze
and i don't have time for you

get off your marijuana horse

Sick stomach,
food that won't stay down.
Loud music,
drowning out the sound of sniffling.
Pillows damp,
from trying not to scream.
Tired body,
exhausted from doing nothing.
overactive brain,
thinking of way too many things.

Tonight's the night I lose my mind,
it left with all of the people that walked out
of my life tonight,
left me alone,
just simply alone.
No one is around anymore,
but I have my music,
I guess that makes up for it...

Shaking hands,
typing out words that they don't mean.
Heavy eyes,
that won't close.
Shivering body,
freezing under blankets.

I'm sorry I can't do anything for you,
I can't do anything for myself
I'm sorry I'm not good enough for you
I'm not good enough for me either
I'm just a burden to you,
and you finally walked out of my life
Why can't I blame you?
I wouldn't have walked in

Breakage.
A pounding,
drumming
off – key
non-rhythmic beat
desperately searching
for any kind of
recognizable melody,
in my head.
Nonsensical.
It doesn’t make sense
and yet it keeps
occurring on a
regular basis
that one might
think it makes sense.
Silence.
the absence of
a blinking message
no typing
no smiley face
not even a
sad one,
one might think
it was too quiet
in here.
Screams.
pounding
off-beat
silent
sad
screams.
It hurts
but no one can tell.

Except by the blinking of my eye.

In deep thought i am lost,
constructing words suitable,
with typing fingers and imagery,
only but behind the mask.
whispering sounds of love tones are heard,
voice so compelling as of an Angel.
In my dreaming she is my heart desire.
In my daylight she is the object of my imagination.
At the soft tone of her voice i am enspelled.

Behind the mask.
She is behind the mask.
Make known to me the beauty of thy look.
Let my nose swim in the aura of your presence,
let me be known by the gaze of thy eyes,
take away thy mask,
make known to me
the reality of thy beauty.
I long to behold.

Is it Strange

Is it strange that when I look at you all I see is the black and blue
All the hatred that once filled you seems to melt away when you look at her
Recall the times
Kicks and punches the smirks as bitter as limes
I see you,
I see you now laughing as if nothing has ever happened
Is is strange that people don't know the real him
The child that would expose me in a second if he had the chance
The one who wouldn't dare say his feelings
The one who would throw his peelings in delight and content
If it meant he had to move from his placing he would refuse
Amuse the others around you with all of my flaws
Do you know I'm here
Is it strange that you have so many friends when you won't even bother to make the mends of the others who have left
Leave them falling behind in their own blood and tears
Cause I beg of you,
Look in the mirrors
I have fallen in love so many times
That love ,
That love quickly faded as you shove me down those cold stairs
That love that never really had its chance
That love that was always pushed down by thousands of emotions and nonexistent sadness that you are filled with
Is it strange I am sent home to cry yet you go with your happiness set high
All the words ever said
All truth has fled
I lie in my bed
I wonder
I wonder if you remember me
Ah, she...
Braces and that big smile
Full with denial of this terrible world
She just twirled and kept on walking
Quite the dreamer
Is it strange that now all the dreams have been ****** away
Her luck is now fading
Is it strange she used to to cut
Shut out by everyone in her mind
She now dresses darkly
She thinks all eyes are looking towards her
Disapproval
Is it strange,
Is it strange we have both changed
A quick glance in the hall
Extended leg to fall
Now, if hit by a playground ball she could simply break
Is it strange she is now a snowflake
So delicate
To land on a mitt
Quickly melt away in shyness
Falling slowly to her death
Is it strange that the girl now sits
She sits alone typing away
Is it strange that I see that boy
Only every day

even typing that
my throat has ***** bulging and balling up
though i'll save the explanation
for MANY future poems

she was right
yes
i'm older, and i like my name

1st grade was rough
what with the sarah's and the emily's tickled by their sweet coincidence
where's my twin?
no one else named their little girl an obscure male name in the 90s??

though moments ago
as i chose a fake name
for a place to scream into a crowd that will never acknowledge me
i found
i like my name

We are RIGHT ON THE BRINK! The new book is #2 worldwide right now, competing with RM Drake and Jonny Cash. It's tough competition, but together I know we can get the book to #1, honestly, it's just a matter of a few more sales. The very next purchase could put us to the top. Please, if you haven't gotten a copy now is the time, no delays :-) I know I'm pushing this book a lot but that's because I put a lot of Time & Energy into it and I'm excited to share it with the world. I am not profiting off the sales either, EVERY dollar goes directly to EarthJustice, a Non-Profit NGO that helps protect our planet. We are all a part of this planetary Evolution, so let's work together. If you are in, share this post, then purchase a copy of the new book, and most importantly, write a review in your native language. We have 48 hours to hit #1 and make a statement, so let's do it. Also, if you repost/buy/review, please let me know you did so that I can thank you personally and can support whatever project you're working on as well. Thank you SO much, I honestly have so much Love for you! Anyways, enough typing. Strength & Guidance ∆ here's the link: https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B01N3QR3E4

If you had not cheated on mom and ******* up my mind with divorce.
If you still lived with mom and me you would know there's no school.
You would know snow stopped the buses so I'm stuck in the ****** house.
Mom is still on another all night date with like her million personals ad hookup.
My net fiance wants me to come on gaiaonline to practice for our honeymoon.
What to do when I don't like what he's typing or sexting?
Dad you called to bellow I am late for a school not in session.
Mom turned off her cell phone so she can be laid without me interrupting.
What to do when I don't like his sexting what he wants to do to my body.
Never had *** with anyone or had my body touched like he text to me.
Kids 9 years old are doing it and getting married on the net.
Easy when you got parents like mine who are dumb and care only about their lives.

If I was anything but a human, I would be a green line. Not because I like the color green, which I do, but because green lines show that sentences are incomplete. I wouldn’t want to be a red line, because red shows that a word is wrong or incorrect. I don’t think I am incorrect, just incomplete. Do you know what I am talking about? I am talking about the thin, green, zigzag line that pops up under your sentences when you are typing an essay late at night. You want to make sure that your essay is good, even if it was written at 2:17 in the morning, so you right click it and see the words “Fragment (consider revising).” If the atmosphere around us decided to right click on me, it would also say that. There are usually suggestions for fragments and word replacements for misspelled words. Sometimes, there is autocorrect and it fixes your fragments or incorrect words for you. If the atmosphere right clicked me, there wouldn’t be any suggestions. The solution would be unknown to the world, but I know the solution. I know I am young and I know that the majority of adults would tell me that I don’t know what I want. If I don’t know what I want, why do I have to pick my career right now? Why do I have to decide what I am going to do the rest of my life, but I can’t decide who I am going to do it with? Why is love such a hard concept for adults to understand? The love I have for this boy is the same love they have for their husbands and wives. Sure, I don’t know what the future holds, but just because they have crossed over the portal to the “real world” as adults doesn’t mean they know it either. I am getting off topic, the solution. I know the solution. I know the magical thing that eliminates the green line from my life. It is him. He completes me. I know that sounds cliché, but for the first time in my life, I am okay with that. I used to make fun of people living in cliché scenarios, because I thought that there was no point. I looked at love as a set up for failure and pain. I never wanted to get close enough. My internal walls were the only complete thing about me, but now, it’s him. He is the completion of me. My sentence is usually short, incomplete. That is when I am alone. When I am with him, my sentence is complete. When I am with him.
4/7/2014
Les
Green Line

Typing. Watch clicking. Eyes moving. Hearts beating. Lungs breathing. Minds thinking. Thinking. Thinking. Thoughts. Thoughts of people. Thoughts of places. Thoughts of pasts. Thoughts of futures. Futures. Future. Are you in my future? You. You. Your eyes. Your brown eyes. Your brown eyes looking into mine. What are you seeing? What are you thinking? Thinking. Thoughts. I have thoughts. Thoughts of you. Thoughts of your hands moving. Moving towards mine. Hands interlocking with mine. Feeling. Feeling you. Feeling you near me. Feeling hearts beating. Feeling your lungs breathing. Hearing our watches clicking. And I am still typing. We are always thinking. What are you thinking? I’m thinking of you. You.
4/5/2014
Les
Thinking

I got three kitties worrying their mama.  Tonight they began  moving around  playing and climbing up couches and biting each others bellies and mama was so fretting. I told her , as I picked her up and put her on my keyboard , that was you once , she laid down and seemed to get calm. She heard me when I said that you were small once, just starting out, Babay. Then you grew up , and gave me these. It will all be ok. She purred and with her paw touched the keyboard, typing, an exclamation point!

I caught myself missing you again
last night in bed
I was trying to sleep
without the thought of you next to me
I thought of what we used to have
and how tender and rare it was
We should've nurtured it
and fixed our love
But we both gave up
This sounds so washed out just typing it but
You were my best friend
and with your love I started to love myself
Now you're gone
and I have no one
I have nothing

Thinking about you and getting that feeling like
there are butterflies flying in my stomach.
Never have I felt like thinking about a lady
I never had the pleasure of calling one I kissed.
You intrigue me is putting it way too mildly
you captured my interest to the point I think about you.
Not a stalker I wont be hunting you down or thinking of murdering you.
I do want to ****** my thoughts because I don't know if you will reject me.
Grown *** man but feeling like an unsure school boy sitting typing
words to a lady he's only seen a few times in the flesh but don't know.
What can I say, I'm a true risk taker.

tension like a hydro line
swallow to feel...
anything at all.

penchant for less meta for
typing with a ball point...
spaces white like pills.

drink this description, you
may need to take in small
sips, as it burns the lips
if spoken out loud.

drowning like loneliness,
shares silent despair,
resistance is futile
in the liquid.

pins and
razors, catch
but awaken
even the cold
scars on
nerves who
only want
to be numb.

see me dumb me
pound the chest
to thump the heart,
no button no restart.

Leave the words
swallow the spaces
shave ice chips,
poke pin holes
into the swollen
bloated body of a
work of self-unction.

Hey wait, I am still under
the water, seeing the surface
under construction, from the
bottom up,
read them all to know
me,
meet you on the bottom.

Maybe I've become to attached Maybe I fell for u to hard
Maybe I'm just overreacting
Or maybe the spark is gone
I've been thinking lately
Maybe I whine to much
Maybe I'm just a loser
Maybe her love for me is gone
I could just be overreacting
But all the signs lead to this
Maybe she just doesn't want this
What could I be doing wrong
Maybe I love her to much
Maybe I annoy her
Or maybe there's someone else..

Idk maybe I should end it
Before my heart is broken
Maybe this is just argument
But how do I know
She says jokes to play with me
But what if their real
What if she thinks I'm soft
What if she thinks I'm small
What if she thinks I'm just another boy
But she'll know I've been all in
Since day 1
She'll know that I love her
She'll know that she's my world
She'll know that she's my favorite girl

This more then me just venting this is me pouring my heart to person who I don't know if they care anymore?

So I wanna hear it from your lips
I wanna hear u say it in my ear
I wanna hear u say it to ur mom
I wanna hear u say it to a friend
I wanna hear u say it to the world

That you love me and you'll never put someone above

I want you to be all in
I want you to show me that your foreal
I want you to prove to me that im yours
I want you to say to me that I'm your world

You know I sound like a ***** typing this but I don't care
Only a real man can show his feelings to a girl
Only real man can say he loves his girl  
Only real man can shout that he loves Reina Marie

So can u tell me do u love me ?

I believe
That writers are
So brave
Because each time
They start writing
Blotting ink onto
Their paper
Frustratingly typing on
Their laptop
Frustratingly typing on
Their laptop
They rip their heart out
Of their chest
And show the world
What it's made of.