Out of what our hearts are made,
The sea of stars above our little heads is widely spread, expanded,
The river of the milkyway, seperating two lovers, with more stars,
All come within a clear, manifest orbit, bound to gravity and bounty,
A vally of natural nuclear fusion reactors, spreading light through the dark of the night, a play of beauty and might, on the ceiling of Earth,
All shining uninterruptedly, without the intruding light of the moon,
In the world of empty dreams, waiting to be filled with memories,
Clusters, binary, trinary stars with their satelites, dance as celestial beings through the infinity of space, all with grace, individuality, bliss
Heartfelt, past the luxury of luminosity and spinning alike wage wool
Because stars are, a magic mirror to the things we are, or want to be,
Weave the fate that you want to feel free, broken loose from the lies,
It is best to dance with me on these fantastic grounds here with me,
If we gather in a dark night, my dear knight, we can grasp fantasy,
Dear trasure mine, you're, a distant eniment galactic heavenly beauty
So shine on until you someday let go of this worldly life, my dearest,
As then I would like to meet you in the realm of the dead again,
In the loitering darkness one day.

~ Umi

These 4 years drove your memories away,
but i never knew you'll make me write someday.
"Love at first sight" exists,i knew then,
I reminisce,12th April at dehradun railway station.
I hopped down the train,
whining children,seperating lovers
loving families,pleading beggars i saw,
Searching for coolie,my eyes glued
on a boy,leaning on a pole,
An absolute treat to eyes
casted a spell on heart of metal.
shapely body,white skinned,
curly hair,lips like petal.
Yellow t-shirt on the skin of gold,
dimple-dipped chuckles,widened his charm fourfold.
unsure,if it's just my eyes or it was him
who resembled the Greek Gods.
Talking over the phone,he burst into laughter
His playful,lively voice
husky deep baritone,
bringing my dead senses alive.
Mindlessly,I pictured us,together
laughing profusely on a riverside.
He raised his hands for adjusting his hair.
I felt his fingers brushing
a strand of my hair behind my ear.
The morbid roar of trains ,
turned into the symphony of my heart.
abruptly,
breaking my spell called a girl from behind,
long haired,beautiful,leapt at him,
no sooner he grabbed her tight in his embrace.
Mad Lovers,my heart soliloquised.
and here came all my wishful thinking to an end.
I turned and walked away a little heartbroken
before i could win him,he was taken .
You gave me nothing but trust me
for those minutes i wanted to be your everything
I scrumpulously stole those seconds from your life
which still make me skip a beat.
I'll think about you again after a  few days,
for now,enough of nostalgia.
and which ***** said,
Love at first sight saves time?

It was daytime:

I was seperating siamese twins
at the waist
Like a government
trying to quell a rebellion;

I was reconfiguring
scarred old wooden toys
for Santa;
shining scuffed shoes--
pennyloafers with nickels
in the slots.

It was daytime:

I was decapitating
red-haired stepchildren
who had grown
sour from neglect;
removing brilliant succubi attached
to a wholesome family's
soul.

I was snacking on a
nerds rope,
washing babies mouths out
with soap,
slapping pink cheeked
toddlers on their feet.

Listen.
You can almost hear the raindrops
whisper to one another.
Listen.
You can hear the rhythm of your footsteps
Muffled by the puddles on the ground.
You say you love the rain, yet you complain
Every time it reaches out to touch your face.
It is as if each raindrop is a space between
One second and the next,
Seperating the past from the present.,
The present from the future,
And it is a cliche, but they say
That now is called the present because each second
Is a gift.
Wrapped up in paper they call clouds
And stolen the very instant it is unwrapped,
You always wonder
What you will open next.
And in a clap of thunder you realize
It is not the rain you hate, but the future.
Theres always somewhere to go,
Someone to see, some reason
‘I cant go there with my hair like that’
Some reason to say I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

Listen.
The rain never apologizes ,
And that's what makes it beautiful.
Somehow it reflects a time when man was primal,
Before he gave himself the right to fear,
And it was simple,
And it was beautiful.

Listen.
The rain whispers *I love you,
And I am not sorry.

All the red and green
snow and mistletoe
reindeer and hope
won't keep you here any longer.

They're taking you away from me
-and it's only the beginning-
They're seperating us,
and I know that I'll be missing

The lonely nights
the tears and frustrations
I'll be worrying;
war-zones are no place for Santa.

I want to hurt them.
I want to keep you here;
but I have no power in this situation.

Christmas morning I'll be crying;
I'll be waiting.

Forever waiting.

Sometime's she sits right beside you
Yet there's a distance
The distance of ocean seperating us

I can feel the tension even through the ***** speckled glass seperating us.
Unsolved questions and answers linger in the lane between us; captivating and enthralling us.
It's funny how we knew each other so well.
Then suddenly, we knew nothing.
Maybe you hated me or maybe I just assumed without ever taking you into consideration.
Either way, it's a moot point now.

We stare at each other like deer caught in headlights; scared to look away.
It seems like an eternity has passed when I finally start to react.
That's also when I become aware of the tear rolling down my cheek.
My lips start to form themselves around your name and all too suddenly the light turns a murky green, signaling the lonely drivers and passengers to drive off; to move on.
As we leave each other, my mouth forms a semi-smile hoping for forgiveness; hoping for one in return.

It's too late.

You're gone now.
Just another car in a lane driving off; driving away from me.
Maybe it's for the best.
Perhaps there was things left unspoken and unthought of.
I guess now we'll never know.

I guess in their mindless wisdom
They chose to overlook...
Or maybe they just thought it winsome
Not to read The Book.
There it sais there's much more brilliance
In simplicity.
It makes our life more resilient
If we be complete.
Instant pop ups just like magic
Jump up by themselves.
Cell phones, laptops, hand held gadgets
Clutter up the shelves.
Mindless wisdom seperating
Folks from one another.
Their inventions devastating
Our sisters and brothers.
Distracted from the necessary
Things that we should do.
It's becoming really scary,
But happening for true.
Yes, I call it mindless wisdom,
And they call it progress.
Every crazy has a weapon,
And our food is processed.
The medicine to heal our ills
Only make things worse.
The panacea in the pill
Is actually a curse.

there are no surgeon general warnings
about boys with sunlight eyes and dark voices,
of boys who speak meaningless words and irrational sentences
in such a way that even the greatest philosopher
would secondguess himself.

with a voice that colours silence,
and a gaze like the moon lights the night sky,
his glare will turn your head into a meteorshower,
thoughts colliding, breaking, seperating.

it's his third cigarette, and smoke is clouding up the room,
he closes his eyes, exhales the nicotine carelessly,
leaning against the wall, so at peace,
and all you can do is happily drown,
your self-control more intoxicated than his lungs.

the blinds revealing whats left of the sunlight on white walls,
scattered light, faded patterns -faded thoughts
you love the sunset, but you can't take your eyes off of him.

cigarettes and cigars are labeled with warnings,
'may 'cause heart disease'
but they forget to label the boys that leave you breathless,
the boys that hold your heart in one hand, and a cigarette in another;
the boys the know the best way to set something on fire for pleasure.

(NJ2015) All Rights Reserved.

honestly? it was the best part of the day,
drawing those electron-migration diagrams
when conceptualising organic compounds...

       plus i like the culinary aspect of the whole enterprise...
ever sniffed esters?
            sweet *******...
          if i remember correctly: the basis for
                            the art of brewing perfumes.

but it had to happen... i was going to become
     a heretical linguist of some sort, having taken to
the organic chemistry diagrams
                              that state how electrons migrate...
well... "state"... first they tell you they're in orbit,
then they tell you they're in clouds...
                         and then... they go back to the orbit
theory with how            H H
                                        |   |
                                   H-C-C-OH
                                        |   |
                                       H  H                  (ethanol)
is broken down, or used... to make something
else... it's usually a canvas chemical...
                    you don't want the impurities of
water...
                        **** knows what breeds in that
liquid... ethanol? you know that whatever could
have bred on a microorganism level would die
off from the fire aspect of ethanol...
                    what is funny is watching this website
over the past few days...
                      are these critiques concerning
   the improvement a bit like:
                               oh no! digital eugenics!
     christ quote: seperating the sheep from the goats...
                       i'm more bothered about being
constipated and trying to figure out
                     a laxative from natural materials than
buying synthetic products...
                on this level of medical advice: i'd be
considered a quack-doctor... but then best before
yogurt mixed with milk... **** me...
             considering my bowels?
                         i'd be a 100m sprinter
                          all the way through a marathon...
    oh by the way: ʒ is covert way of indicating
                           ż - which, as you can see,
has a diacritical distinction encapsulated...
                         capital version?    Ƶ -
                 and that's rare, it's a bit like seeing a yeti
on a page... rare as ****...
                                      so i'm thinking... is this
the spot where the german (es und zed) ß came from?
              chopping off the head on the particular?
            oh look... they correlate... Ƶ and Ł -
    but that really depends on your linguistic palette -
depends what century you were born in,
                and what the vogue of a tongue invoked.
   but now for the critical part....
       several things... all at once...
               ever made a schnitzel / a schabowy?
                                            sh       ­         s ha    v
you know... when you get a pork fillet
  and you have to flatten it out with... tłuczek...
      o.k. (hand signal... index + thumb
   touching for an O... and the remainder:
         K = III... that's middle, ring and pinky fingers)
               the only transalation i have that's even
remotely accurate is                "pestle" -
but you see, to flatten a pork fillet you use something
akin to a maczuga / a culinary bludgeon -
                   then you put the flattened pork fillet
into egg goo... and then into breadcrumbs...
                               anyway...
    the archimedes bit...
                          it's the opposite of having that quote
ring true: give me a lever long enough and i'll
move the earth...
                                to really flatten a fillet of pork
you have to hold the tłuczek close to the tip
          of the metal-head...
                                i don't know why that's true...
maybe because this isn't a problem for archiemdes
to use a lever, and lift something up...
             but it's a case for hammering something
down, flattening it into a schnitzel form -
                             you need to hold the instrument
really close to the metal-head tip, rather than
    at the end of the wooden stem...
                             it's just the opposite of what's
true within archimedes...
      and yes, i know that schnitzel refers to chicken fillets...
but do know you what else?
                 when you wake up the next day
and have a nicotine hangover?
                        and you're coughing?
              it's also called: coughing up a schabowy -
                                     sssss    ha              bo'h     v  
            and by now you realise this y
                                          is not related to an i -
rather a "dried" out sound... equivalent to the metaphor
of swallowing your tongue;
                                        i.e. enter hades.

flourishing man twigs
your skin binder
seperating into
live lizard leather

you voice is making broken mouth noises

too much suction
FROM OUT THE

choir nodules
limpid eye spokes spin

in a humane wood grain
in
calliper, or in plurale tantum

knee cap tattoos
of crawling skunk stars
toggle cap vegetable yoga
in giant pollen helmets

sports magnets
in half wi fi marathon

what kind of *** uniforms
are they hiding in the cenotaph
sunday war things perhaps

I felt like a doll,
emotionless and all.

I was able to move and talk and think but,
I'm not there, not really.

I looked out of the window and watched the people on the streets.

Some looking happy and excited,
whereas some looked bleak.

I felt like a layer of glass was
seperating me from the world.

It was hard to explain but what I wanted to do was for someone to help me.

They'd ask me if I was okay and I would look at them and say, "No. Not really."

But I know they'd flinch away from the fact and silently roll their eyes,

That I was another lying person,
Who would fake a smile but have problems for miles.

This time, however, it's a little different.
For I'm the person who helped others who fell,
When I'm the one who needed saving most of all.

I been accused of talking too much about you.
All my friends say, you're a typical girl.
No different then the rest.

They point out your smile.
Is no different than the others.
They point out your face.
Is only the seperating thing.

They even state your voice.
Do sound sweet.
And even went further to compliment your feets.

And through it all.
I notice one thing.
The way they notice you.

And that the felt you love me true.
Which they notice when noticing you.
Which is so easily to do.

And you notice them noticing you.
And spoke of them being jealous too.
When you notice them noticing you.

YOU ARE NOT WHO YOU WERE FIVE YEARS AGO YOU ARE NOT WHO YOU WERE SEVEN SECONDS AGO YOUR PAST SELVES ARE BURRIED DEEP IN THE CEMETERIES BETWEEN YOUR RIBS YOU ARE BORN AGAIN IN THE SPACES SEPERATING YOUR KNUCKLES

You hurt me bad, mommy
I thought you would never know
When you cut your wrist, mommy
I did not wwant to let you go
Mommy, why did you do this
You know I love you so
When you hurt *****, mommy
You hurt me to
Bubby ran away, mommy
He couldn't stand the pain
So many things
You never took the blame
You took it out on them
When things didn't go your way
I had to be there
I just wnanted to stop their pain
I missed out on so much
Things I can not get back
For what you put us through
It hurt to love you
To see you drunk
Having men in bed
Not to know my father
Thinking hurt my head
The lies you told
I still hear today
What hurts the most
Your voice is not there to stay
Actions speak louder then words
Yours speaks loud and clear
I'm ok now, mommy
I forgave all those things
Taking care of you
Not a chore, but a full time job
You didn't see my tears
You never felt my fears
When I cried at night
You wouldn't open your eyes
Took care of myself
You never knew the pain I felt
I'm sick of feeling this way
There's nothing you can say
Somethings seperating us
You can't make it better or ok
I was the mom
You were the child

We call for nature through the windows of our castles, silently we beg for a life we've left behind. money doesn't build trees and cars are wrapped in rubber, seperating us from ourselves and distancing us from our mother.

As we cling onto what we've built for eachother, cold, dead devices running idly in our hands. longing to be loved and begging to be worshipped, it's as if fear itself spawned the devil inside us leaving man to wonder is god within? or die blaming it for all his sins.

What lesson do our children learn
when watching children
****** children in their classrooms
what value do we give their education
when seperating best friends forever
by filling one heart with grief
and putting the other one in its early grave
what child needs to know
the weight and velocity
of the bullets that tore
their once safe world apart

how many tears will it take
to drown out the greed
that allows the trigger of the gun
to be in such an easy place to reach
and the moment of silence has had its turn
and though it may have brought
some small comfort
it did not take the pain away

now we must raise our voices
for the dead
we must raise our voices
for those who have not yet died
we must raise our voices
and we must be loud
louder than the money exchanging hands
louder than the bullets and the bangs
and louder than the rat-a-tat-tat
machine guns song

its more than a matter of safety or control
its the value of the education
we too often forget
forget to teach
forget to remember
forget to live by
the education of kindness
the value of generosity
the need of empathy
the lesson and the gift of love

that we are all the same
no matter our birthplace
no matter what flag we sleep under
no matter what name we whisper
when we offer our prayers
and our hopes
we are all the same
we all live in the same house
no matter how many walls divide us
no matter the mountains between us
no matter the oceans that separate us

we are all in one house
and we are all connected
by the one thing
the only thing
we need to both give
and to receive  
the lesson and the gift of love

let us teach this first
before anything else
because without it
the education we give our children
will continue to be washed away
with the lives of all the children
that we fail to save

Discussing selves
Seperating, the who, the me and the I's
Devin, Fiendish and Abyss
Names, giving voice to the enigma
The grandeur of my existence

Each so distinct from the other
Their echoes scream insanities
To outside observer
Unknown to them, the saviors
The martyrs, dematerializing
Preserving the vessel for new life.

As I am now, as I perceive
The life that was Devin
Is only a shade, a memory.
His ghost fades in time
Burdening wounds of flesh
Reminisce of his struggle.
Consumed by the flames of darkness

Born from the ashes Abyss.
Singing songs of the soul
Revitalize broken body.
Shattered experiences now
Sewn with vendetta.
Passion, dagger tongued monster.
The frail boy, seized by demons.
To heal mortal pains.

Enter and accept the madness
Fiendish rises, the final mantle.
Successor of consciousness
Stranger to the former, fading.
I am the survivor.

It’s just a common essence to
deliver such a presence, not
relying on the presents so that
we can learn some lessons. Drift
off, far from being found. Scaling
mountains in a single bound.
Reaching a commonality, between
our normativity believing in controllability.
We sit, we relax, we breathe. It’s all
okay, nothing but a real dream, dreaming
about reality. Drifting out to sea, seperating
everything between you and me.
We beg, we plead, we cry. Wanting
nothing, but for this dream to stay alive.
Without each other we feel lost, with
no place to hide. Pushed further away by an
increasing tide. Skies turn to black, before a
flash of light. Dream forgotten with the delivery
of sight. A flash of black and then light again,
the thought of such a dream, crossed the back
of my head. Dreams do come true, it just takes
time. I start my day, like any other,
drinking coffee and blowing a line.

Your colors are leaving me,
Now they are just painted on the walls.

There is water seperating us , love, in the form of vast oceans and seas
And so as I stand here the sun rises and makes an offer to me
An offer to keep the lovely girl and the smile upon her face
It offers me the gift of it's rays pouring down and feeling like my embrace

I inquire the sun asking why would it give me such a precious thing
A humble man whose heart is weak and has nothing else to bring
And it answers me by saying, "Dear sir, that lady shines brighter than I"
"And I would give my place in the heavens to keep the tears from her eyes"

I look, I smile, and shed a tear, not knowing what to say
Remembering the heartache that came with missing her each day
The girl with a smile upon her face who shines brighter than all
Who my heart belongs to throughout mankind's rise and fall

But in distress, I begged the sun, "Please stay throughout the night"
"For the setting sun will bring painful slumber since I'm not there to hold her tight"
And the sun calmly said, "Fear not, dear sir, for I am what lights the moon"
"And in it's silent glow she will therefore know that you are coming soon"

I look, I smile, and shed a tear, thanking the sun from my soul
Knowing that he will hold her for me when things are beyond my control
For the sun does shine ever vigilant and will do so far beyond man's reign
In this do I find comfort knowing she will smile again

And so hear I stand beyond her reach, beyond this horizon of blue
Praying that the sun keeps his promise and praying I might return to you
And if a tear may begin to fall upon your lovely face
Walk outside, dearest lovely girl, and feel with the sun my embrace

Luminescent skin, spiralling layers pressed
From inside the curling dagger pollen;
Violin strings draw forth the butterflies
Towards their fate, cerberus lips clasp
Wings of dafodil— spotty mossy green
Outcrosses the budded red drooping dead;
Akashic run, like that of a waterfall
Whence rippling pendulums row,caught infinitely.

Glowing stem— seperating to laughing claws
and mandalas paused along fully harmonious crease;
All falls back to fungal soil underground
For which all life is magnetically supported:
Prestine exoskeleton, flaming bones
that weavith skyward with ancestral ghost
softly chasing, having foundated their creator.

Blonde hair binding split petals via waves
  Of furious vibrations, snapped calm and quiet.

Mature flesh and bone, whom let the pencil
Move over pale canvas—
'I picture a clock that's arms spin fire
Outward. '
Poor woman, legless two years
Prior to her deathday— wonderous harbinger
Who once, overwhelmed by the menial day to day,
let pencil fall,skim and form
   and reform

Beautifying the world -- lonely, bold and brave
Her mind image caught, fished through the haze

And etched for the rest of time to forget.

To have an affair ... is different than to cheat
cheating is bad but the affair has it beat
My affair, not one that had been planned
It's something i'm ashamed of ...
I musn't ... I cant.
the pushy counselor pressuring me to talk, let it out, she predicts that it'll fell good ...
she has no idea what's about to come out of this messy confession. an affair, coming from under the trunk of this hood.
i'll be the first to testify of it's illusion
opposite of its face value,
misery and loneliness will be the only winner.
Like dying and going to the medium place where utopia does not exist, contingent to utopia's disappearance it only makes sense that hell would delete itself as well?
haven't we longed for the day when there'd be no such thing as hell? Then we'd be free?
Life's twisted humor,
everything has an opposite, an article of faith
being positioned isn't possible without opposition to accompany its lifeless soul,
It preys on the thriving, takes from the present, holds the living hostage as it meets up with  fear and justice, freedom and sadness. birthing the first of many to come,
dicontentment is born and swooned and rocked, fed and held, growing so strong
these thoughts in my mind ...?
you see,
i thought were mine were mine that I could actually be SAFE for ONCE the only place i am safe and free of interference, has been compromised...
discontentment has spread like a wildfire this morning, the remains the evident unsupervised testimony.
and as conciousness demanded an invite inside my mind, I insisted i would clean and make space first, denying my insistence of alone time.
i opened the door, my body quickly analyzed a familiarly foreign emotion,
My mind, the mitochondria, could detect a feeling like this in a crowd of a million waldo's,
This home has felt plenty of drive by emotions all of which fall sorrowfully short,
Relief, one  emotion i've never known well, but good enough to  consider an aquantaince, My higher self, the God dwelling in me
is only awaken by my ego's alarm going off at the maximum volume alotted,
My ego has always disappointed me and always will, a true representation of its impulsiveness no awareness of self control
Demons survive,(yes survive) the lowest level of vibration due to it's subsisting unvarnished truth,
shame and survival are the vibrational levels of those who die,
living and surviving,
"He who is slow to wrath has great understanding,
and unlike my actions, he who is impulsive exalts folly"
God says it himself, a fool will never see the gates
those pearly gates, I pray, will be a presentiment that the abuse i've endured on earth has always been accounted for.  I pray my damaged,not to mention, and terribly fragile sixteen year old learns to stand up for herself.
I'm sorry for the fear I put her through and all the criticism, My God i don't even think it's normal the tight leash i set before my, adolescent at the time
I snap out of what seemed like a continuous paralysis where i cant stop vomiting out my emotions.,
"I feel .... not good amie,"
Of course this is your ego denouncing its reign, you better believe it's stopping it's feet like mad,
I get what you're getting at Doc, but that's not the case for me,I work in recovery so i know how tough it can be to let go of ego's control.
If it isn't you ... tell me more about your sixteen self, what happened to you? why are you sorry to her? How did you hurt her?
the real inquiry to be at is, was that you that hurt her? you an innocent teeny bopper,
I know you don't see yourself as innocent,because you felt all grown up,
or maybe you've felt misunderstood since a child which is it for you nisey?
she notices the sting of silence,  must've been chilly for a princess like her
she probably has never known a cold night, i think and quickly think better of, once i feel the green-eyed monster creeping up, my enemy, the one i resist
so with that said it is the one that pursues, I know it is because I delight in it that it has an extraordinarily special control over my ego
"Or maybe, my sixteen year old snapped I am exhausted of justifying my actions to people who never listened"
I am the party that shame and depression loves to crash late at night, whenever they spot out happy with their
laser beam focus and their macular degeneration"
God acting as an Implantable Miniature Telescope,
as I unleash my arsenal of scriptures, he sits with his mouth pursed, his pursuit to relinquish his pain and hate, written all over him, his body vocalizing all the hate he refused to articulate through linguistic expression as his special form of punishment, wrapped specifically for me
I give the gift a home and take it as an
accolade of the abuse my ego thinks i'd win for staying.
water and oil.
needless to say, these enemies are not holding one another hostage, instead their proverb differing in hindsight,

Their moral compass, primarily, astray from the "good" commandments".,
the same commandments seen as good, although there is no such thing as good or bad, obviously i've had one too many philosophy lessons,
Now like every great philosopher I delight in inquiry,
It used to bother me amie,
surpising to those who know me as goddessnisey, my altar ego that is ingenious in its successful attempts at imitation of my authentic self, minus the flaws, has people fooled,
My inauthentic self, the one that needs to know everything before trusting, the one that misses out on opportunities because she let's impulsiveness govern her actions.
To that little girl, I owe the grandest of apologies, I'm talking like the kind the cops owed rodney,
the one's that took hold of me,  Covered me in shame and loneliness, .
dolizing
finally got on top and now it's my *****, only thing is
now habituated by their entire nation of people go by the saying birds of a feather flock together, they do not associate, because they are opposite.


Where did this relationship go i ask amie, my,newly discovered personal guru, that i'm paying a **** load to vent to,!?
like the housing of my body I am inconsistent
personification live in the flesh, as absolute irony and it's downer cousin named realistic, tag along to keep this broken law of language a secret,(only writers will get what im saying)
GASP* a breath of fresh air  reveals itself in the highest light promising that if you choose your freedom, and reveal your secret, she will personally bring you freedom and peace.
neighboring discontentment,  I am a survivor of fire at it's wildest,
Like an incurable error the pilot finds in the computer's main frame,
I am that pilot as i begin to confess, called it a day...
beckoning for professional help
but they were not my doing
long time enemies and both close to me,
old-time cliches they love to preach ....
"you'd do best to keep your friends close that way it
distracts your enemies from the intentional tenure you have on them."
weighing my options i decide to speak, silence is death, im smarter than that
I just can't tell you how sorry i am, I told him
not because of what i've done
but because i'd do it again
His mouth was closed,
But he wasn't quiet I could hear him,
The sound of his heart begin to slow,
and for every woman out there, this is when you know...
heart-break is real.
He refused word of mouth but that did not forestall the howling of his heart, an injured wolf
true to character, injured, no forced deal.
His eyes spoke everything that his genetically encrypted ability to stay poker face, failed to exceed at
it took for him to shut his mouth, and just listen as he'd promised
we may need a doctor over here stat,
I know once I've told him that if given a choice ,
Him or her ...
he'd end up disappointed .
he had a way of upholding his secret self hate from childhood,
just like us all, carrying across our baggage, picking up more and expecting to climb mountains.
converting it into tortuous rituals and facades, he wears it across his chiseled countenance so well, you'd think this is who he is.
My problem is , so does he...
I tell HER about him all the time, in hopes that the buddhist teaching will be the key
They say what you hate is a reflection of what you resist in yourself.So i know he'd maintain face, at least until I got on with the confession,because I'd do the same,
that's the honest painful truth... an artifact in this raw and true moment, The highest self in me has decided I am ready
for yet another piece of wisom,
every year,
a new piece watching as if they were refereeing the play offs.
then i realize, this is the play offs I am the main star and I have the ball, the therapist told me herself, it's my turn to talk ..
worry filling the abyss in the center of me, as nervousness takes over my anatomy, triggering negative feedback and certainlymy body breaks down in an immediate cry for ventilation,
Then it dawned on me, I am the negative feedback , an excuse, a sad one.
Catlystic I am it's true, negative feedback, the return of part of an output signal to the input
blaming my conditional love on a lack of attention on your part ... wow excuse me for the foot,
the one i put in the door when you begged for my explanation and my honesty,
putting out the foot has been the biggest aid in our demise, I know how bad i hurt you,
that's the thing about a fleshy soul,
we tell our stories through our eyes.
so worried of what others think of me that I can't focus on
That's what's important to you isn't it? saving face i wanted to yell, but preserved for another time, when yelling could raise the stakes far past what I could gamble.
when we sat to write with a pen in hand,
a private affair began.
I' was afraid,
afraid that this would happen,
fate would force a baby shower that would give birth to the haunting of my heart, my secrets befallen.
As the doctor proceeds to clip the umbilical from my median,
seperating the blood i've shed with the body that is supposed
to house vital fluid but  nowholds senseless emotions.
l a gallery of clips and photos like a drawn out trailer that gave away all the parts you pay for,
  no way to express myself, choosing introversion over conversation... what a bore.
I was afraid this would happen because I know my death is timely,
gambling in these neck of the woods could cost you your family, primely... of course,
some of your loved ones may understand, either way
the other literature sorcerest's don't resist to spill the main course, guess what it's YOU.
This secret could tear me apart and feed me to the sharks,
parallel to satan, its only objective is destruction, insisting i like the dark,
a spell cast upon me of course I hate the dark, this secret can't get out or my friendly facade will melt like a witch dead in a pool of salty raindrops,
slowly burning the witch, as water was foreign,
life without literature is surely foreign to me,
my partner will be sorry if he makes me leave her
tantums, panic attacks and more take her away and a blur will ride her vision and taunt her in her maturity as the blur grows stronger
she will have amnesia
and once my partner finds out that she was feeding us, not aiding in our demise, reconstruction is to come.
like a newborn, failure to trhive, the difference between you two ? I need one to survive
My mind no longer would focus on anything else ..
this affair started between a muse and myself
He understood things without having to say a word
To talk to him all i needed was a pen and a journal.
all faithfulness adjurned.
It was a poetic journey as we entered another element,
a renewal of spirit and soul,
My partner and i would have to call it quits.
A "no trespassing" sign was posted and the door shut
Locked with no key, just us alone
no one to bother me.
It is in this affair that he has given me purpose
on my previous relationship i have closed the curtain
to have an affair is different than to cheat
poetry is the mistress
and has him beat <3

A year ago today My world came crashing down
A year ago today all familiarities and comforts were stipped from me
In a downward cycle of pain and loss
A year ago today, you left me.
As I lay at the bottom looking in a desperate state for a way i could swim to the top before I ran out of breath
I evaluated and re-evaluated everything in my life,everything in your life
where we went wrong and how things got to the point of emptiness and misery.
I poured countless days, endless heartbreaks, and streams of tears into trying to save you.
All I ever wanted was to see you smile and mean it, All I ever wanted was to take your pain away.
But I couldn't and so a year ago today it ended.
You put your head down and pushed through life,waiting for your chance you rise above it all,
Well I pray that you are soaring now, higher than ever before, and will never fall.
The wind beneath your wings will never lay still and I will love you until
My time to join you comes.
Its been a year and I have
shed a lot of tears
overcome a lot of fears
made some new friends
******* some loose ends
loved and lost
felt used and been tossed
laughed and smiled
been silly, just like a child
felt hurt and afraid
felt cheated and played
grew closer to some that were apart
lost some i thought would never leave my heart
ive grown up and moved on
and danced the same dance, sung the same song
In the last year I have stood on the line seperating the end and the beginning,
the shadow between the darkness and light
Ive felt the weight of the decision to give up, or move forward in life
I have stood on the edge of the cliff peering down
and I turned around.
I started over and picked up pieces of the life that I knew
and rebuilt a new life, a life without you
And at the end of the day, all I can say,
is that I would give anything just to see you again.

It's silence, he whispered
between his pounding mind and his aching heart
the world had become so loud
the screaming in his head
the silence is a welcome sound

it's light, she spoke
the darkness before her eyes
unbearably bleak
it's light, she spoke

stillness, you felt
the world spinning, every quake and quell
spiraling you grasped for any chance
still, downward you fell
till it was not death you feared
but life
stillness, you felt

the distance seperating dreams and death
the continuum between the past and the future
broken apart, shattered into pieces
and now there is nothing left to be found

the two, they lie, together
in that vast nothing
feeling something
for the first time
something
inside those shadows
a new thing coming
your eyes have closed
but your life has opened

At 2am he asks me how I am
I avoid the question by saying im in bed eating a bag of shredded cheese
I figured it would answer its self
I look into my brain, mental instability on the top shelf
He looks inside his to find what to say back to her-
“Is i️t cheddar?”
It’s mild- i️m wild ive got the heart of a child when they see a dog at the shelter
It’s my responsibility to fall in love with her
And him and you and everybody i see
Im a ******* pisces
Im going to wake up with cheese all over my ******* bed
My horoscope said “if you don’t swim for something, you’ll drown for anything”
Stop holding my head underwater
Go find pearl jam and have them call me daughter
And I’ll wear the shoe laces of a queen
Im a sane mother’s ******* despite the neon static in my head and the spiratic crumbs in my bed
“No eating in bed” they said
Then hit me with a shovel, plug the hdmi chord into my ear and watch my chemical dreams on the big screen in the neighbors backyard
Shove a joint in my eye as a thank you card and turn the volume up
Throw me in the back of a pick up truck
Then tape my hand to a gas guzzling motorcycle maybe it will help me sleep
Keep the helmet on the seat
No drinking for lent and on sundays don’t cheat
Beat me with a golf club sell me on stubhub
I might have a talent or two
But soon I’ll fall off of my thrown, theres something missing from my shoes
I find the white lines tied to a pipe
Seperating a head from a body
A shoelace in this case was worn by an undeserving daughter
Slaughtered by a helpful string
“Turn off that thing” the neighbors screamed
“Stop her mind”
**** was just getting good,  mind you
Rip down the screen, pull out my ear too
Put the shoelaces back on my shoe
Theres nothing to see here but a disturbed dream
With shredded cheese at the crime scene

The consistant beat of her gentle heart fills my ears with the great song this world has to offer.  

As i lift my head, i can see all the beauty of the world in the shape of two blue circles that are as clear as the sea.

Nothing will take away the memories of her that have been burnt into my head.

And nothing will dare stand in the way of us, seperating and creating a distance between this bond we have.

We're too close for anything to come between us. Close enough to the point where she steals the thoughts out of my head and echos it out threw her mouth.

And as i sit here, with her in my arms, with trust of protection that i have always wanted to give her, i hear that song, i feel her heart, i smell nothing but her, and i can see everything that this world has to offer me. 

Right in the center of my arms and hidden in the beat of her heart.

I remember us calm and wild and calm
lost, unlost, and lost again
I remember us sleeping in tangles together,
and waking in tangles alone
I remember us happening slowly
and both so quickly
I remember us seperating so unexpectedly,
as I always expected,
no other way
no other way

I spend my hours lonely
Staring at a phone that doesn't ring
Lying to myself
Pretending not to feel the sting
Around my room in laps I pace
Because it is hard to stay standing still
Restless and anxious
I can't concentrate
Distress is too strong to ****
A tiny part of me is relieved
To see you haven't changed at all
It makes it easier to stand nt ground
When back to you I want to crawl
You must be a magician
Putting me under a spell
With one wave of your wand enchanted
Conjuring heaven
We're really in hell
You keep my adoration in your pocket
Instead of in your heart
It's obvious I am the only half affected
When our lives are forced apart
It feels as though I inhabit a cage
Only when you disappear
Your absence holds me captive
Then am freed when you get near
Dancing on a narrow line
Seperating sense and satiety
If I succumb to my shameful desires
That means forfeiting my sanity
Trapped behind bars inside my brain
Cannot escape my expectations
Disappointment is inevitable
Yet I still surrender to sweet temptation
Shades of blue inside and out
Mixed with the occasional grey or black
All other colors vanished with my trust
I'm pretty sure they're not coming back
Cloaked in heavy misery
Weighs down my overwhelmed soul
You don't even have the decency
To return all the time that you stole
You placed stars directly in my eyes
Just so you could watch them burn out
Ignorance was comfortable
Til you showed me what I now live without
Silence chokes with an icy grip
Solitude freezes spirit right through my skin
No matter how many games you play with my emotions
I still participate although it's impossible to win

"She was a genius of sadness,
immersing herself in it,
seperating its numerous strands,
appreciating its subtle nuances.
She was a prism which through sadness
could be divided into its infinite spectrums..."

Picking my words carefully on the field of eggshells.

Knowing that if I told you the truth you'd leave.

Like so many times before..

My struggles are seperating us.

Leaving me walking on the ground cracking with every step.

A faked laugh is worth your smile.

A proud hug that I cannot live up to.

With a heavy heart I know I've failed you..

No. I will no longer be ashamed. I won't fear anyone's opinion anymore.
The process of letting you go is a hard road for me. And I will talk about it.
Nothing is more difficult than seperating out of love.
At the time I needed you and you needed me and nothing stopped us, we didn't want to stop.
And today, I must tell myself that it wasn't "love" that kept us going, it was only two empty people that filled each other at the time.
There was love - only you and I hold and understand - that served the lust and the infatuation that fueled our urge to be together.
And when this urge wrapped itself around our necks, I accepted us ending in a separation anchored with silence.
Today, streets and roads and houses and villages and trees remind me of you.
Tomorrow, the same streets and roads and houses and villages and trees will still remind me of you, and everytime I'll miss you or think of you, I will go there hoping I'd see you.
Because boy you were beautiful, and a mess and soft and lost and I couldn't handle you anymore, I was suffocating.
I am mad at you but thank you for letting me go.



- LynnAA