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Shaky breaths, and
Weightless shoulders
Lift me higher into
A state of mind where
Lyrics bounce in my
Head, urging this craving
For tension to form
Between muscles and skin.
As I feverishly write
Out a thought that
Make sense in no
Mind, but mine.

Fingertips bleeding words
Unto lined paper
Mind an open area
For thoughts, color, shape,
Intertwining to become
Images playing behind
My eyelids.
A smile bleeds to ink
Traveling from the veins
Of my mind
Inside I fall into blackness
Eyes shut I breathe
Overwhelming suffering
Inside I seethe

I cannot escape my mind
It's a prison I build
Undeniable agony
The cup is over filled
It has spilled
Can I rewind?

Help me please
My eyes they bleed
From all the tears I cry
Flashing Bright
Inside my mind
Filling me up inside
Filling my lungs to the top
Cutting out all my air supply
Slowly suffocating, will I die?
Images in my mind
Filling me up inside
Flashing Bright
It took me a minute
It took me a minute to open up my mind
My hand was shaking
Trembling as it hovered
Right over that rusted, squeaking handle
When my fingertips brushed the cool metal it was rough and rugged
The doors paint chipping away
What used to be bright cherry oak
Was now crumbling
But I was not deterred
I ****** in a deep breath
Gripped that cool metal tightly and twisted
There was loud screech as the once sedentary **** broke back into action
As I pushed open the door
It was dusty and burned my eyes and filled my lungs with jmpurities
It was troubling to look past the fog it had created
Old debris and dirt particles danced and twirled in the air as it descended back down to the creaking floor boards
I recall how quiet it was in that room
Lacking windows and furniture
Lacking security and confidence
But I was determined
I slipped on my blue gloves
A snap against skin like a war cry
I was ready to begin
I started by dusting the corners, then the walls
I swept the floor with gusto and will
I envisioned that room spotless
I envisioned windows filing that room with sunlight
I envisioned music playing soft tunes that pulled your body into rhythmic motion
I envisioned that room filled with people that I love
I envisioned us smiling, laughing
Pure moments of humanity shining in and brushing my skin with its warmth
Once the festivities come to end
I envisioned that room bright with the moonlights company
Until morning when sun rises and fills the room once again
This room represents my mind, and the much needed cleaning it needs of all the negativity that I've allowed to clutter it.
The humming rush of water
Is hypnotizing me
The songs of lonely birds
All perched on separate trees

The soft rattling
The brush of vibrant leaves
All pull a string that's deeply
Planted in the roots of me

Chiming along
I am a lonely bird
Perched upon a tree
Where no one sees

Crying out
I sing with the clouds
Wings lifted
Ready to flee

Tentatively brush dark leaves
With muster I push on to see
Where this overgrown path
will lead

Lungs filled
On the fresh

So drawn I push forward
What do I see
But a small part
Of what appears to be me

I step forward
One more time
I am longing
To see

Where this

Do I continue
Will I succeed
Do I push forward
Do I proceed

Am I lost inside
This lonely forest
Do I hide
Where no one sees

Do I wait alone
Where the silence lulls me
to hypnotic tones

Of lonely birds shown
perched upon a tree
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2018
Every moment we spend living and experiencing, shapes and develops us. The moment you fall in love
The moment your heart breaks
The test you fail
The test you ace
We are all the bookkeepers of our own lives
Looking for the balance to keep us standing upright
Of course this scale may tip to one side or the other from time to time, But as always balance can be achieved
Hope love kind kindness balance life live living alive together
Katlyn Orthman Nov 2018
I wish you guys loved me enough to be here for me.
I'm sorry that I'm not enough for you. I'm sorry I'm not the daughter you wanted.
I'm sorry that I'm not worth a family. I'm sorry that I'm useless and worthless.
I'm sorry that I cant make you guys happy.
I want nothing more than to go back in time and live forever in the moments where I felt like we were all a family.
Because now the only thing i want to do is disappear and stop existing so I dont have to feel so alone.
I want to stop pretending that I'm ok, I want to stop pretending that I dont feel empty and dead on the inside.
I want to stop pretending like I dont feel abandoned and left in the dust.
I want to stop loving you guys because it only tears me into pieces everytime I try and I'm left with nothing but stifiling anxiety that I no longer matter to you guys.
I dont know you guys anymore. And no one cares. That's the part the really kills me. That I sit here and cry until my head feels like exploding because everyone leaves me.
Everyone replaces me. I'm always number 2 and I just want to feel normal. But I cant. Because these ghost haunt me.
In my dreams, in my life, in my love, in my hate.
These ghost have taken every inch of me.
Suffocating me.
Frozen fingers splayed across my neck, they choke me.
Until I cant speak.
Until I'm silenced by the viciousness of which it steals my light.
It brings me to the other side and pulls my hair, punches me, stabs me.
Until I bleed.
But only for a minute and then I wake up, drenched in sweat.
Promising myself that I will never feel again.
I wish so intensely that my bones quiver.
I wish so much that my luck is gone. Just wishing that I could be apart of you again.
That I could come from somewhere. But I was born alone.
Born to ghost that dance at night. Unseen but heard as chilling noises in the night.
Untouched but felt as cold breath across your back.
I was born to ghosts and secrets that cage me.
A ghost is a wish.
And I wish I could exist.
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