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Nicole Joanne Nov 2021
taking shots of whiskey instead of bullets,
i’ll wake up in the morning with a hole in my heart, but not through my chest.

bleeding out in the form of words I’ll soon forget, words I’ll come to regret. my dress stained only with spilled liquor and the hands of people I’ve never met.

my world is spinning so I’ll make my head match. I’ll dance until the lights go on, and my vision goes black. what kind of life is that? what kind of life is that.

ill make the first move, *** and coke - actually, make that two.  lead me to the dance floor, sway back and forth - no longer in my hands, my fate is in the glass.

one day I’ll find the life I’ve been chasing. kitchen dancing and movie nights, children laughing, alone time. the bottom of this bottle won’t bring me home, but I keep chasing. I keep chasing.

nicole joanne 2021
Nicole Joanne Jun 2020
I wish I had known that the ring on your finger disappeared when you were with her, that I was just a placeholder
in case you never got the chance to hold her again.

I wish I had known the last time we kissed. I would’ve paid more attention to how your closed eyes were painting me into her image. Your hands interweaved through black strands, moving slowly unto pale skin. How you morphed the mountains of my bones into the soft hills of her baby face.  How your tongue danced around the fact that I was not her.

I wish I had known the dull in your rainbow eyes were because brown looking glass could never take you to the valleys of her green irises. That I was lightning, a quick spark, something that reminded you of a brighter day when all felt cloudy.

Had I known you never loved me,
I wish I could’ve said I’d have walked away,
but even the moon shows it’s face sometimes
in the light of day: and I’m sure I would’ve loved you that way.

Nicole Joanne Aug 2017
love is more than just a language between two people.
it's several phrases, actions, and words
foreign endeavors and behaviors,
all together as one.

as those speaking acts of love,
we expect those we speak to
to understand.

but we all speak different forms of love;
compatibility of such revelations are misunderstood.

love is an adventure
a search for whose language of love,
though different from one's own,
can be interpreted and understood;
and wished to be learned.

though to learn a love is easy,
to comprehend anothers love cannot be forced.

love is tragic
an algebraic expression with several substitutions
and a million different answers;
but only one is correct in the mind of the beholder.

love can be the worst or the greatest thing;
unrequited can ****,
but when it works out;
it can live forever.

N.R 2017
Nicole Joanne Jun 2017
this heart of mine
has been thrown into the fires of hell
way too many ******* times

i'm getting ******* tired
of all the third degree burns.
Nicole Joanne Dec 2016
The love is gone, right? There's no chance we'll ever get back together? Because I can't be here halfway. I can't look at you and not see the boy I fell in love with -the boy who's hands shake constantly, the boy who pulled me closer in bed, the boy who whispered unrepeatable things in my ears. I can't look at you and forget that -I can't see you as just another person. How could you look at me knowing that what was once yours isn't anymore; that the body you once ran your hands all over is off limits, that the words 'i love you' will no longer spill out of my mouth for you. How can you be okay with that? Because I'm not, and I wish I was, but I'm not. Because I ******* love you more than I have ever loved anybody, and I can't flip a switch and bring back only the part of you that was my best-friend. Even though I miss that part of you too. I wish I could be satisfied with part of you, but I can't forget that I had all of you at one time. I can't be satisfied with half of you when once I had all of you. And it hurts, and it *****, because I want you in my life but it hurts. Sometimes I wish we never fell in love because I would have my best friend right now. Maybe that's all we ever should've been, and we ruined it. And I can't forgive myself. Because here I am caught between two extremes of having to let you go and not being able to, and knowing whatever choice I make is going to send me screaming to the sky, clutching my chest, and curled on the floor in a pain that will never fully heal.
Nicole Joanne Nov 2016
I've learned to love myself for everything that I am -including, and especially, my weird little quirks.

I'm the girl who laughs a little too loud at newspaper comics, and has to take a picture everything that has ever made me happy; whether it be taking a photo of my coffee in my favorite cafe, or taking a photo of the typical average looking field that I happen to be laying in the grass of. My mouth tends to run one-hundred mph when I'm speaking about something I'm passionate about, and more often than not I will probably stutter my words, or stray off subject the minute I remember something slightly alike to the story.

I have a tendency to believe in 'gut feeling' a little too much when it comes to people and their abilities; I put a little too much faith, a little too much effort; and become a little too much overall for anyone I feel 'connected' to, but thats okay. I avoid company, but hate being alone; I'd rather be in groups of three, and more often than not, unless I've taken a great liking to you, one & one interaction makes me uncomfortable. I try to make everyone happy to a fault, and worry a little too much about how my choices influence the next event, and the next event, and the next event.... I romanticize the thought of some people, and don't give others the time of day they probably deserve -but that's okay. My greatest weakness, yet best quality is my ability to romanticize simple moments.

I view everything in my life through foggy glasses and romanticize -everything- and it's absolutely ridiculous; but the time you laughed a little too loud, or danced a little bit out of tune, to me is probably beautiful, and I've probably already written a sappy love poem about it.
I daydream a little more than I should, and I have my entire future planned out right down to the rocking chair on the porch of my house by the lake, yet I can't tell you what I plan to eat for dinner in two hours.

There's so much more to me than I'm willing to write, because to know me is a journey I wouldn't want to spoil. Call me arrogant, call me weird; but I've learned what it means to love myself.

I'm a ******* mess, but god, I wouldn't want to be anything else.

Nicole Joanne Nov 2016
what's wrong with wanting to be in love?
I want to fall in love -is that such a bad thing?
we've been told that one does not fall in love ever when they are looking for it; but who decides that? who says that I can't find love?

is love suddenly not going to be love anymore because I was looking for him? what if we were looking for each-other? love can not be forged -the act of love can be, but love itself, cannot.

why can't I search for love? why do I have to wait for him to find me, or pop up out of the blue? Why can't I look down the path and scream, 'Love, I am coming for you. You're what I want and I will search everywhere until I find you.' Why does love have to be some mysterious lurker? why can't I notice love as a gust of wind before he becomes the full blown tornado?

Whats wrong with looking at someone you admire and thinking, 'hey, I think maybe I could fall in love with you' and actually, truly, believing so? You can't forge a feeling -so why not look for the spark? If it's there it's there, if it's not, it won't be.

So ***** all who tell me to stop looking for love,
because when I find him I'll be able to say,
'thank god I finally found you,
I've been searching for you my whole life.'

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