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why do you let yourself swallow you whole?
why do you make living so hard?
who has control?
idk but I'm grey and I'm white
my colour is melting like ice
thin as the body thats shedding everything nice
don't think twice its not alright, worse at night
when you're directing every aspect of an overcast life
dream of nothing, dream of better sleep,
sleep beside a knife till you annihilate that creep
when memory hurts, when the cut is too deep
know that although you've lost a lot,
your mind is yours to keep
Woke up from my dreaming to a nightmare, she was screaming
Got back to the car the radio sang about my demons
I hate heathens, singing along for no reason
As she slams the door behind me
Revenge is open season

5 days in I look like you
Broken glass back pain
*** stains on my shoes
Redoing old never feels new
Only see myself in a car mirror view

I want her in my windshield
I want her name on my screen
Any source of affection puts worth into screams
A honk has no emotion
My notions are bleeding
Feeding on desire, I hit the gas
Before my house catches fire

Her words were knives, dipped in lies
I realize theres no easy way
I "Take a break from all my sinning"
But God made me gay

Screams turned to silence
Caution escaped violence
My bed never felt so wrong
When I left my demons in song
I long for my steering wheel
I feel I have to stop admitting
Can't help that I'm forgiving
I named my car twister
I call this twisted living
I wish you could flash high beams from tail lights so that u can tell the ******* behind you to turn off their high beams
I wish my headphones were invisible
I wish my acne was invisible
I wish I was invisible
Aren’t I?
The salt hurts your eyes when you try to tell the elephant to get off of your chest
He walked in with a maroon vest and pretended to help as she reached for the top shelf in hopes of an antibiotic buzz
Fuzz surrounds my memories to hide the ugly parts
You pushed me around in a shopping cart and I forgot that I had legs
I spent my high school years inside of song lyrics tapping kegs
Taylor wrote about a forgotten egg
You have to be known to be forgotten
Mr knott says cotton will **** you
I just wish the blues were still blue
I’ll stop rhyming now
It’s not how I plan, what its made to become
My mind finds the next line hidden in the last one
I don’t make sense and i’m not having fun
I wish pencils were still made of led
“God ****** laura dever” you said
“It should have been you”
I wish i️t was me too
I’m done living in suburban blues
I’m done living without you
19 days to be exact, a 17 day panic attack
It’s always easy to know where i’m at
A final goodbye, the sky turned red to warn us of what was already done
Trees attacked the public and it seems im the only one
That wasn’t afraid to die
A red warning waited in the sky
It took place of the rainbow and watched me tell my last lie
“Please forget about me, goodbye”
Mother nature cried, she was finally on my side
My broken windsheild wipers weren’t doing well
Through the rain it was still easy to tell
Something’s been missing from me for awhile
Call 927-6289 if you happen to find my smile
As I’m leaving I run into you on the kitchen floor
Sharing with the appliances your miserable company
Giving me your melancholy stare
I can help you not be alone but I can’t help with lonely
You called me boney as I put my back against the cabinet and sunk into my seat on the hardwood floor
Now we both feel lonely don’t we
We aren’t a pair, a puzzle, or each other's other halves
We’re not even complicated togetherness
We’re two people and we’re alone
No amount of bodies on the kitchen floor will fix that
I had to go but still I sat, in the ditch next to you hurting my neck looking up to speak
I missed my ride home I was looking for a girl that I knew, she had the same name as you, have you seen her?
Sam says she was last seen in the basement dancing, equipped with a convincing smile
The ******* the kitchen floor looks like she's been here for awhile
But I’m too boney to lift her up and make her dance side by side with a memory
I guess we’ll never know who she is
Where did the dancer go? She’s dancing with dust bunnies under the fridge
She drunkenly holds onto the steering wheel
This version seems a bit more real
I don’t feel as well as I used to due to two names just listed on the loudspeaker
Thank the lord that I don’t
Or I’d be dancing with the dust bunnies, reliving a memory, feeling lonely on the kitchen floor
I’ve certainly been there before
Nobody ever sat with me, I erased it from memory
This is the difference between alone and lonely
The leaves tell stories in the form of footprints
Some separated from themselves
The wind comes at breakneck speed and takes you even farther from what you once were
The wheels of cars don’t break you, they just make you smaller
And when the humans get fed up the large metal hand comes and snatches you away
You were once a playground for the adventurous
The most important things can still be temporary
You forget that this tree’s memory was dead before you even met
Society makes sure dead things aren’t looked at for too long

Well, then why are you looking at me?
Your crunches are haunting my memory
I walked inside my house with your stems in my shirt and shoes covered in dirt
To find another thing I knew as dead
Too many chemicals to the head
But that lady wasn’t stepped on
She wasn’t driven over or thrown
She was lifted up by the girl covered in leaves
Because she had just spent time with the dead
She said it's not bad company but it leaves a bad memory
She didn’t want another one of those

Oh ms believer told its story in the hospital waiting room
The leaves told their stories from inside of my shoes
The  doctor didn’t say **** to the 9 year old looking as innocent as she ever will in her blue puffer coat and no-lace converse, she's thinking about the dead leaves
This 9 year old knew what death was
But only looked at it with peripheral vision behind interlocked fingers
Or looked with a smile as she jumped right inside of it
Its been 8 years,
She now looks death in the mirror
I'm so down to earth I’m 6 feet under
Here the sounds of silent thunder sing me to sleep
The torn clothes, never worn, keep me warm
Like a baby in a laundry basket full of rags
Tags ripped off
What a waste of money how much did it cost
It took too long to realize I was lost and I am now one with the dirt
Stains on my shirt
I dream of my legs going somewhere important
My lungs are a meter stick and my breath is a child too small to ride
It just doesn’t reach
Teach the kid to stretch I’ll smile from my state of rest
Keep drinking your milk kid
Maybe you won’t be the man too short to live
Powerful enough to break a strawberries heart
A rollercoaster is a good start it teaches you how things will be
Unless your me, just lay still on the ground
Hear the ringing sounds but don’t analyze what it means
Because behind the scenes of these stained glass windows
Is the 2018 year-round gun show
The bullet missed my smile by a mile but it must have hit a parallel universe because once again I am one with the dirt
The elements sing me to sleep
Quick wit lies, open eyes keep me alive
And when the shovel comes I won’t be ready to leave
I've faked my death for a quarter lifetime of peace
I decompose piece by piece
I'm so unbreakably sane that death hit every ***** but forgot about my brain
Meaning I'm no longer in pain but I can think about what it feels like
From now on I’ll stay high as a kite
But the oxygen diminishing dirt wont let my geeb light
As sober as a drunk man that lost his liver then found god
From now on I’ll be high on death
Until the lower mantle steals my last breath
At 2am he asks me how I am
I avoid the question by saying im in bed eating a bag of shredded cheese
I figured it would answer its self
I look into my brain, mental instability on the top shelf
He looks inside his to find what to say back to her-
“Is i️t cheddar?”
It’s mild- i️m wild ive got the heart of a child when they see a dog at the shelter
It’s my responsibility to fall in love with her
And him and you and everybody i see
Im a ******* pisces
Im going to wake up with cheese all over my ******* bed
My horoscope said “if you don’t swim for something, you’ll drown for anything”
Stop holding my head underwater
Go find pearl jam and have them call me daughter
And I’ll wear the shoe laces of a queen
Im a sane mother’s ******* despite the neon static in my head and the spiratic crumbs in my bed
“No eating in bed” they said
Then hit me with a shovel, plug the hdmi chord into my ear and watch my chemical dreams on the big screen in the neighbors backyard
Shove a joint in my eye as a thank you card and turn the volume up
Throw me in the back of a pick up truck
Then tape my hand to a gas guzzling motorcycle maybe it will help me sleep
Keep the helmet on the seat
No drinking for lent and on sundays don’t cheat
Beat me with a golf club sell me on stubhub
I might have a talent or two
But soon I’ll fall off of my thrown, theres something missing from my shoes
I find the white lines tied to a pipe
Seperating a head from a body
A shoelace in this case was worn by an undeserving daughter
Slaughtered by a helpful string
“Turn off that thing” the neighbors screamed
“Stop her mind”
**** was just getting good,  mind you
Rip down the screen, pull out my ear too
Put the shoelaces back on my shoe
Theres nothing to see here but a disturbed dream
With shredded cheese at the crime scene
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