wintry bones

wintry bones Dec 2013

Sometimes I get into a mood in which absolutely everything is beautiful,
and everything connects to a thousand others
and I could spend hours staring and taking in a succession of beautiful things,
and I end up finding absolutely disgusting things beautiful,
- not so much disgusting things which it's disgusting to find beautiful,
and I don't give a ****.
But I'm terrified to look at myself in the mirror or read anything I've written,
because if I can find such things beautiful but not myself,
then I know I'm really *******,
and I don't want to know.

wintry bones Dec 2013

The diseased tree

I'm afraid of what I am
I'm ashamed
because I had a mother
who kept telling me ''You're not good enough''
until at a certain age, I agreed with her
because I had a father
who had a fist that kept repeating ''I wish you were never born''
until at a certain age, I started viewing things as if I were never born
Quickly I learned that the rotation could only be slowed,
but never broken;
I noticed how the people were still laughing,
they were still going to school, to their jobs
- as if I was never there at all.
I believed the world would be a better place if I were gone.
At that point in my life,
I stopped talking. I stopped eating. I stopped believing in everything I ever stood for.
I even stopped crying.
I felt still and empty, like some diseased tree
The life inside of me had wilted
I couldn't move, I couldn't ask for any help,
all I could do was just stand there-
In the middle of that forest
Waiting for it to finally be over

wintry bones Dec 2013

list of things i remember

I remember us calm and wild and calm
lost, unlost, and lost again
I remember us sleeping in tangles together,
and waking in tangles alone
I remember us happening slowly
and both so quickly
I remember us seperating so unexpectedly,
as I always expected,
no other way
no other way

wintry bones Dec 2013

pre-winter cold

It's so cold in my room
even with three computers running
and heating on
and the touch of your hands
printed in the back of my mind
It is so cold

wintry bones Dec 2013

precious moments/nothingness

It is horrible, to have such precious moments
and then return to the nothingness
(I rather do not return to the shore of tsunami's and
people screaming and black waves consuming me,)
( I'm afraid, I'm afraid)

To feel so much happiness all at once-
leaving absolutely nothing behind
(I rather do not feel that empty, a blank mind and hollow eyes,
sharp razor drawing lines on a pale skin,)
(I'm afraid, I'm afraid)

I went from being at a terrible place,
to being in your arms
It has been the happiest and most warm I've felt in months
and for once, I can say
I found someone who makes me happy
You make me happy
and that, makes me terribly afraid.

— The End —