i had never waited for those things
i always felt like i was falling without wings
i dont properly remember a time
when i hadnt been compelled to rhyme

i have always been waiting
my head just aching
i dont really know what it feels like
not to be waiting for a strike

bones creaking,
thoughts creeping
from the back my mind
and take form in the shadows.
my thoughts seem to be leaking.

I have a castle
in my mind
which has turned me blind.
dark corners
occupied with foreigners.

these evil creatures walk free
torturing me;
protection is seldom,
shine is not welcome,
and there is no hope of rebellion

soft voices and poor choices have led me here.
i want to laugh at how
my face shows its fear.
indecision and lack of vision
have left me for dead;
fed to the angry beast
left behind, in my head.
streams of consciousness
and everlasting thoughtlessness
make waves in their wake.
it all bends and breaks.
friends working to
stop the aches.
soon the lurking beast will awaken
and my world will be shaken,
but for now,
i will stay on my journey
to a jury
that will put these voices
to rest.

Dear friends its been a while!
I can't believe
It took so long to reconcile.
So often it feels like
I'm only giving off a profile.
so I must say
I’ve missed your smile.

I've been thinking lately
(And you know how
My thoughts can be deadly)
That maybe I
Am lost again already.
I’ll swallow my pride this time
And ask for help before I go crazy.

I can't feel my emotions.
Every other obstacle feels like
a toss into the deepest of oceans.
And no matter what I do
Its like I’m only going through the motions.
It's so hard to be around people
Without feeling like my mind and body are prisons

Help me, please
I don't want to be alone anymore but
this is the only place I feel at ease.
I feel sicker than before now,
How can I cure my self of this disease?
All my efforts drain me.
Why would my heart have a lock without keys?

I am so sorry
I'm working through some
of this explosive self-fury.
I hope you can forgive me
and save yourself some worry
because I know to ask now and besides:
it's not as bad as it could be.

most say i am innocent,
i say i am infinite.
i will do all i can
to save the wise man.

but little did they know:

i've long since been gone,
and forgotten ten fold,
even i cant remember
if my heart really was gold
or maybe just overwhelmingly cold.

they never did say
why they had gone all that way
and only ended up missing me
with less than a bouquet.

and finally,

i would never question,
such as their aggression,
why i could never find
the once notorious mastermind.

i have forgotten how to think
my words are spilling
along with the ink
i cant do anything
so i just blink

i may die tonight
living like this isn't in my right.
i have lost my fight
and all my might
has since taken flight

i know i don't deserve it
there is nothing i wont admit
i know i am unfit
to recieve all these benefits
but i just cant help it

my breathing will pause
and there will be a morbid cause
to the stuttering in my chest
and it will all be because
i have forgotten how to think

the only time
i have ever felt calm
is in the presence of pain.

it laps at my brain
and takes over my body
as i cannot feel anymore

there are times that i adore
the excuse to tuck myself away
as i am washed into a darkness

the world never sits on the same axis
when my soul tries to stitch itself back together
after it splits under too much pressure

i used to imagine that u could breathe under water
as i could make up for when i felt so much weaker
in the atmosphere that waited above me

all my effort strengthened my need to be carefree
but i knew my work would always lead
to my visits to my mind’s coroner

i allow my whole self to wander
finding pseudo relief in jumping to conclusions and off cliffs in my mind
only to find real solace just when my thoughts stop

i have memorized the reactions of when my face drops
and a quiet captures my mind
because it scares me, too

my calmness it different to you
i’ve seen this my whole life
as when i hurt, at first, no one seemed to see

but later, i saw how different pain was for the mind and body
for everyone else it was so separate
but i felt them as if they were alive inside me

migraines that felt like a caged animal trying to break free
my skull shattered as my body overheated
mind and body desperately trying to reject something unknown

it was at these times that i would lay prone
pondered at the ceiling with thoughts
that were so irrational they became logical

there was were my self would dull
my soul turns inside out and i relish
in the nothingness that is sure to come

my body wakes with a rejuvenated thrum
and i start the story all over again
and i stare through once calm waters to see myself for what feels like the first time.

the night sky is so silent here.

white fluff, cold stuff,
drifting,
shifting,
lifting
all the dark away.
to keep the shadows at bay.

i knew i wasn't ready to let go
i was forced to grow
underneath this snow
although
below
it is so calm

the night sky is so dim here

dusk drops, warmth stops
pleasing,
teasing,
freezing
all the light again

i knew it wasn't the right thing to do
and now i can't continue
i have fallen through
even though
below
it was so calm

and i have now lost it all

there are dead days
that seem to have lost their meaning
while forcing the world
to work around them.

there are dead days
no one seems to notice
but are always begging for attention
and everyone pretend to ignore.

there are dead days
that soak up the sun
so that the only things still living
seem to be the shadows.

there are dead days
that everyone can see
and can only decide to take pity
when they lose their life.

there are dead days
that take the whole universe with them
so that nothing can see
and everything goes deaf.

there are dead days
that wish so much to just be alive
that they take everything for themselves
just to feel less empty

but the days that are alive

they sing with the voices of angels
they burn bright with laughter of all
they carry weights to unimaginable heights
they stay among the clouds for as long as they can
they shine with love of the world
they work with ambitious vigor
they never give in to the hardships

the days that are alive
may never appreciate what they  are
but give solace to the hearts
that need them the most.

you dream of wings
and cruel deposed kings.

your eyes have left
having witnessed so much theft.

you may waste away
and so i beg you to stay

but you are lost
within a castle's frost

your thoughts have turned bitter
and your dreams now flitter

the light returns
but the coldness burns

and i ask you
to live
for me.

I wish there was more to me
Than my body
Which does nothing more
Than consume the values
all physical, emotional, and soulful alike
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my failures
That are so overly abundant
Than my virtues
which have been swept under the rug by only myself
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my childish ambition
That have overwhelmed me more
Than I could ever foresee
So that I will never see clearly again
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than my nonexistent future
That my mind keeps insisting I daydream about
Even more than the comfort of fiction
Which has given me asylum for so long
I will soon make this change

I wish there was more to me
Than claims of intent
which manifest in the forms of wishes and changes
Even though I spend my time with unhealthy coping
I still think about the desirable change
I still need to make

there is something haunting
a greedy thing captivated
with it's taunting
of those that have been isolated

i wish i could say
i have never strayed
but my pride for honesty
has taken my modesty.

i swear to you
i have not spoken true deceit
but my panic leaks through
and my real truth becomes obsolete

i wish i could say
i can help it
but something takes over my airway
and i would like to admit:

i have so many unwilling lies in your minds
that i cant stand to look in your eyes
but i hope to release you from dishonest binds
and let me start over.

‘Why do you long to see me?’
She asks like
she isn’t the most beautiful thing in the universe
‘You don’t mourn the day passing’
She tells me like
Thats the only reason I would come to see her
‘You dread the morning’
She states with pity like
She knows that I am missing my own life

I tell her,
‘I see your gentle light
And it helps to set my soul right.’
I tell her,
‘You look beyond what you see,
And try to help those who don’t think they deserve to be happy.’
I tell her,
‘There’s a softness I see here,
that no one else can see unless their heart is clear.’
I tell her,
‘I prefer your peace that cannot hide,
To all of those in the day that push forward their pride.’
I tell her,
‘The day does nothing but weather my body
And blinds me with everything so gaudy.’
I tell her,
‘Of course I dread the morning, because the sunlight brings shadow,
And you go to where I cannot follow.’

I see sadness in her whole being,
With a ‘why?’ She seems to be pleading
I give her a smile and tell her:
‘You’ve never left me,
Even as the shadows of my misgivings surround me,
You always stay soft and strong
Even as the universe’s cycle strings you along.
I have never seen anything more beautiful;
So I am proud to stay with you, always dutiful.

sometimes the feelings
(those lonely and somber dealings)
just make it seem like i am dreaming

the sky floats all around us
(making us look so superfluous)
and it twists around in our guts

we tell ourselves to stay strong
(not without wrong)
but really we are just stuck in a pretty song

my lifeline may be invisible
or maybe less than tangible
but it is the most mythical and magical
thing to ever be available
and to me it is invincible

You paint flowering tattoos
over your regretted scars
As you appeal to repent
And you reject your last muse

I know you can hear it
Screaming not to go away
But there is another pull
That makes you a hypocrite

You drag your useless body
Toward a faux sun that doesn’t burn
Leading you into a trap
That no one would see clearly

Perhaps your blood won’t flow
But there is a brokenness there
Which acts as a barrier
To seal your soul far below

The marks on your body flare
Into a focused beacon
Drawing the wrong attention
And show your lively despair

Delicacies on your skin
Brought to you by the unknown
When you thought your strength was lost
so; take hold of power within

Yet still you cast them away
the safety of the shadows
Can’t begin to help you now
The muse is not bound to obey

So lift yourself together
As one can’t hope to exist
Separate from mind or body
And use your scars as your tether

Under a genuine star
You will find solace within
As your soul begins to blend
you will find out who you are

its starting to really hurt this time
its not as cloudy as last time
but im not sure what to do
to stop myself
or if i even really want to

im in a cage of guilt and bones
and i really dont want anyone
to see past my pale pink illusion

ive not felt like a real person in such a long time
and i have already convinced myself
that it would come back
but the bones of the cage rattles
and dig into my skin

the tendrals of guilt and shame and lonliness
wont release my neck
but its not like i would be able to breath anyway

my soulless self will be gone soon
i hope to be released
from the hurt and the cage

my mind spatters on canvas
another piece of evidence to my madness

i spill my speculation
and wallow in my damnation

the wind whirls with thought
just another useless idea caught

life has no exact description
dictionaries are just fiction

language has evolved
yet no new problems have been solved

more wasted acrylic
on something i wish was idyllic

my artistry has withered
and fantasies have been embittered

but i will live with the vacant
as i am just now nasent

let yourself rest.

the days are nothing but inspiration.

pain is temporary.

daydreams are live motivation.

i wish i could be art

she looks like perfect porcelain from far away
but up close she is caked in grey clay.

her soul is torn
her heart is so worn.

she seems so distant
but she has learned to be resistant.

they think they know the inside of her mind
but she knows they are blind.

she is aware
but opening her mouth would be sitting in an electric chair.

she stays mute
hoping to find a higher route

but her hopeful sanctuary
did not bring her any glory.

all was lost
with so many paths uncrossed,

so much knowledge forfeit
wise minds now dormant.

tears paint down porcelain cheeks
stone eyes let out silent shrieks.

she is finally only hard bone
she could never stand being alone.

when have such tendrils of terrors
had such a strong and everlasting grip?
for as i stretch there is not strain but
i feel the bruises of the past days
as they only remind me of
the places I can no longer go

the reach of the mares
horrify the ones that have no experience
no matter their years
will feel the way some fingers crunch
delicate bones may bleed strength
into those who run into the grasp of the lost

i have not thought in such a long time.
the arms of my mind have not since been feeling
such as the numbness that takes over my mind
only allowing for a lose for any of these around me
i don’t think i want to be such a black hole
hiding my misery only makes the depths
all that more eminent

i was not that sure what all the others see
but i know in my wholeness that i can only
use my own eyes for such a burdening task
they may not see my sadness,
but any and all calls for help will be veiled
sometimes thinly and sometimes
under such a thick swimming smile

the branches of hope at the back of many minds
may have been living for such a long time
that i no longer see them reaching for me
but reaching for others as i lose my will
to be able to notice their bodies
and their angles within such an effortless and unforgiving planet
their grasp will not be lost to them no matter the meaning to me

hello, all
I'd like to make a call
to action.

some things have gone wrong
as I've drifted along
to here

and now I'm more alone
and my mine is trying to atone
for my father's sins.

I am beyond frustrated
even more cheated
on my mother's behalf.

she said to me
"more than one disappointment and promise me,
you will flee"

theres no other ploy
that will better destroy
your life."

I know this is the truth
even as I grasp the last of my youth
I've seen it.

I wish I could do more
but my mother has her own armor.
she will be okay.

so, always put yourself first
and don't be cursed
to just survive.

live.

i wish for rain
to wash away
my insecurities
my immaturity and impurity

my arrow misses the target and points to something dark,
i just always seem to loose my spark.
i just don't know how its supposed to work.

i have once again lost my mind
and long ago went blind,
leaving all the easy things behind.

i wanted to loose a bottle in the sea
a long lost hope to set myself free
i never expected to actually send the plea

and now it is all around me.

so much time is spent
and so much less is meant
within hollowed walls
and endless mirrored halls.
none can articulate
what they feel to be their fate
seeing as their time
will be cut before they can find the right rhyme.

those new prestigious prodigies
will only be accepted with the right commodities.

only those with an endless present
can give the idea to reinvent
a past that cannot possibly give
a future that everyone can forgive

we may have finally left the gods behind
but left the people in the back of our collective mind.

there is not way the earth can win
when hidden by a prodigy's leering grin;
we must force a victory from the sea
before we can truly be carefree.

for now, i will place a vow
and seize the day to repay
my world with time i have taken
to help it reawaken.

i never imagined i would care so much.

there is no way to see the future.

i would give anything
to have become an easier creature.

there has never been such
a cloud in my vision.

i want to determine
what my past means to me.

i will look beyond
and no longer look behind.

i wish my life would look at itself
and fix all my flaws

i wait for an applause

when i am my only audience
and i am out of patience

with such a selfish creature.

blackness behind my eyes,
inconsolable beneath dark skies.
stars fight to be able to rise
next to the most obvious lies,
and the sadness of loosening ties
takes hold when my voice dies.
the moon may have lower highs
but what she lacks in size
she makes up for in allies.
now everyone refuses to compromise
the clock ticks its surprise
this downhill tumble won’t beat sunrise.
all know that looking into the sun is unwise
so lets go back and revise
what would have been our demise.

i could tell you what you want to hear
but instead i want to lie
i haven’t had a spine for a very long time
but no nerves have been severed at the base of my skull
i should think just about now
but the creaking of locked doors are all that will sound

i could lie to you now
i could stand up to you now
i could have a will against you
except i am no longer sure of my capabilities
except i am so far away from consistency
except i my life is no longer available to me

i wish i didnt have feelings

The words have been getting stuck in my throat.
Maybe its the timing as I keep myself afloat
or I’m losing my taste for the sugarcoat.
I haven’t seen myself around
As I keep my face toward the ground
But surely not all of my emotions have drowned.
You see, the bags under my eyes
Have been a perfect disguise
Because I'm not working myself to my demise,
No, I’ve been withering away
Curled up to do nothing but decay
As I pretend there is nothing beyond my doorway.
For some reason, my mind is denying
That my responsibilities have any bearing
on my overall wellbeing
When, really, I know better but
It like my mind decided my kismet
And any real rationale went into the toilet.
My actions have only been half finished.
I move towards something but then it has vanished.
And I can't even remember what I hoped to accomplish.
I know I had hopes and dreams
But now it really just seems
Like I can only see daydreams
The words aren’t just stuck in my throat
They just don't exist.
There are no words to describe this
Emptiness.

How, do I love thee?

Why, nothing more and nothing less than the cool winters eve.

Nothing less than the sunset colored leaves that hath lied on the newly forsaken ground.

Nothing more than the perfect blue sky that hath yet to call hither the waning clouds of storm.

And yet; thou ask again; how do I love thee?

And this time, I freely answer, words soft in a forgotten mouth,

‘I love thee as I love a strong spring day and an easy winters' morn.

I love thee as though thee art the rarest thing in the world.’

i lost my mind long ago
all the rest has been a show
i think you knew, though.

you knew what i liked about you,
and you liked my upside down view
and that was enough for me to pursue.

but soon enough
things again got rough
and i just wish you would call my bluff

i would be that cliche
'i'm absolutely fine'
and you would say
'i don't believe you this time,
i know you're walking a fine line'

but thats not how this goes
i keep myself in a perfect pose
and try to stay normal, i suppose.

how selfish i've been
to not see the fragility behind your grin
or notice you growing so thin

i've been trying to find a way to say
how sorry i am i wasn't there when you swayed
or to keep you from starting to fray

and i truly hope i am not too late
but i know you couldn't really wait
just for me to say i relate

i really hope you don't hate me yet
i still haven't payed my debt
i just don't want to forget...

i lost my mind long ago
but with you i was still able to glow
i just really hope you know

that through my view,
i still like everything about you

imagine an empty room
without any gloom
ready to bloom;
there something there that draws you
maybe a feeling of rescue
you never know what you want
until its right there in front of you

imagine a clear blue sky
when the sun is already high
you look over and can always expect reply
you don’t know why
but you always know when they’re close by
you know when it sets you’ll both be wishing on fireflies
you never know what you need
until its right there in front of you

imagine that perfect person
that one in a billion
that will always lessen the burden
the one that makes you lose all reason
this one that shines like the sun
and even then you may never notice them
until they’re right there in front of you

my blood ran cold
i cannot be so bold
i don’t know what to do.
i turned red with envy
and green with greed.
why can’t you just read my mind?

the world doesn’t spin that way
my mind doesn’t twist that way
maybe only in the wanderland

our fingers won’t tangle that way
my body won’t work that way
maybe only in the wanderland

i don’t know the sea
i don’t know how to be free
i don’t know how to find my voice.
my heart turned blue
my fingertips are violet and violent,
why won’t you notice.

i want to feel that way
you can’t shield me that way
maybe only in the wanderland

hell froze over
i cannot find cover
i don’t know where to go.
my life turned grey
the sun turned black
why can no one else see?

the lights spin around
running right into the ground
people try to come down
all trying not to drown
stars dying in the background
none can hide their frown
heading back to the battleground
keeping an eye on the countdown
til the lights go out
and the blackout
triggers the fallout
and everyone
just
leaves

it was so dark down there

earth crumbles, muffled mumbles,
twisting,
resisting,
persisting
the death of coexisting.

i believe it was a time
when severe grime
was at its prime

but i remember
above
the soft comforting glow of ember

it was so lonely down there

silent shrieks, hesitant peeks,
sneaking,
seeking,
reaching
towards something that isn't there.

later, i stare
as i am gasping for air
into a beam of light
that has answered my prayer

and i remember
that once i was above
my happiness of december
is when i find love

I find validation in soulful eyes.