I find validation in soulful eyes.

it was so dark down there

earth crumbles, muffled mumbles,
twisting,
resisting,
persisting
the death of coexisting.

i believe it was a time
when severe grime
was at its prime

but i remember
above
the soft comforting glow of ember

it was so lonely down there

silent shrieks, hesitant peeks,
sneaking,
seeking,
reaching
towards something that isn't there.

later, i stare
as i am gasping for air
into a beam of light
that has answered my prayer

and i remember
that once i was above
my happiness of december
is when i find love

you remind me to let myself be happy.
you probably dont realize
how much you mean to me.
i wish i could repay you
for the strength i take from you.
i would tell you to take my heart
but you may be already reaching
as i stare at my ceiling.
you might be afraid of the dark
but i want to remind you
of your love of the stars
whose brightness is reaped
and piqued from the night.
you remind me of the moon
with your mystery and history,
that inspire so many.
so, i would like to tell you,
that your pain is temporary
and you are extraordinary
i am by your side.
as you have been for me.

She hasn’t left her room for three days. She hasn’t left her house in two weeks. She hasn’t gone into town in a month before that. She hadn’t been rationing her food supply on purpose but it’s what ended up happening anyway.

She’s laying on the floor, now. She’s been laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling for hours. She knows that the ceiling is a muted, toneless, comforting beige but all she can focus on is the creeping gray shadows that feel like a physical barrier between herself and the rest of the world. She knows that these shadows are only really in her head, but four nights ago the angle of the sun coming through her curtains had been just right and all she could focus on was an oppressive mass of shadow that froze her in her tracks and locked her inside her own mind as it crawled nearer and nearer.

That horrifying moment had only been that, a moment, but now that she’s locked away she doesn’t even have the energy to start looking for the key.

She’s been lying on the floor staring at her not-gray ceiling for hours. She has no idea what day it is because every time her mind starts to right itself into something resembling coherency there is another shudder of uncertainty and the physical shadows in her mind slither over her more tightly and she is left again a shell of herself, dead, glassy eyes staring, seeing nothing and the ceiling, both at once.

However, if there is one thing she can focus on longer than anything else, it is the shadows. The ones that wriggle in the corners of her periphery and make up her cage. Even if her mind can’t pull itself together enough to name the days, she can at least count how many times the shadows were at their weakest and instead of reaching towards the silhouette of her body, she can at least count the three times where she felt the light pressure of warmth on her skin. It lasted a little while, she remembers, vaguely, but it was never long before the briefest change in the shadows illuminated their own movement again. Again, if coherency was anywhere near possible she might question how her strict one-way mind can connect that this means that days have passed, but for now she just waits in numb agony for nothing and everything in her mind to make sense.

She has no idea if she is awake or asleep and really, doesn’t care.

once upon a time
i believed in a paradigm
that had me condemned.

this kept me concealing
new stunning feelings,
that later would need some healing.

i cannot imagine
how i could hold passion
if i did not know this affliction.

its held above my head
and blocks my thoughts;
striving to make them rot.

beauty became lost chaos
and danger was wonderfully irrelevant
over waterfalls of suicidal insecurities.

knowledge forever forfeit
while our consciousness was dormant
in a haze of repressed youth.

i will find the means
to survive my teens
and overwhelm the fantasy
pushed upon me.

the real world
will take my mold
and accept all those lost with me.

i will become the greater creator
and produce an ideal,
made to heal

and morn for those
who gave in
and let the old ways win.

my words have been sought after
in long lost rituals
of tears tracking down a face
that none have ever seen before.

a stranger sits across from me
with an easy smile
and the struggles are equivalent
to eye contact

such bodies may be seen
as nothing more than an image
the riches look through
the work of the poor

my eyes search for the phantom
they cannot reach
of the equals eyes
that can and will give me needed help

do i want to die,
or do i want to fly?
if i cry,
will it reach the sky?

The stars won’t reply,
and i always deny, deny, deny.

White powder pills,
one lone light atop the hill.
i want to stop breathing.
i can’t stop feeling.
i try to convince myself
my shivers are just chills.

i surround myself with thrills
just so my mind will still
i want to stop dreaming
my mind can’t stop screaming.
i tell myself i can sleep
if i force my will.

the world is covered in grey.
i don’t know what has changed.
there must have been a shift;
I’ve started to notice a rift
between what i think
and what the reality is.
thats it, I’ve lost touch
because I’ve been thinking too much.
i wish there was something to do
to infuse the sky with blue
but I’ve lost my touch.

I'd love to be able to lay my heart out
I want to open my chest and flay all my doubt
Ill reach into myself and hope to see reality
But how am I supposed to help if I blind myself?
what if I go searching and only find trouble?
What if my eloquence it reduced to babble?
Reason takes effort and I'm exhausted

there is sunlight in her hair
and galaxies in her eyes

stars glide in the air
following the fireflies

i have never been so lucky
to witness this

i tell you to live
for me.

i wish you couldn't see
the hypocrite inside me.

my words may be in vain,
but your thoughts are a chain.

everything holds you down
your mind is a ghost town

i know you cant help it
and you just want to quit

but please

live

for me.

the truth is ugly
and hides in a body of beauty.

the truth lies
and holds secrets in its eyes
pretending to be wise.

the truth may be broad
and so commonly awed,
but it is a fraud
that is not past God

the truth is unyielding
and totally unfeeling
and has given up on what it had been shielding

the truth is dead
and yet it is still spread.

the land rolls beneath my feet,
but i continue past defeat,
where i am so eager to complete
this one task i must repeat
to go on, and delete
the cheat that is so bittersweet.

the music of the rain
was awfully soporific
and terribly terrific
with nothing but soft clouds to blame.

the clouds were peaceful in their own
changing in a constant temper
sighing in with a deep tremor
as was heard in the home

the home itself was so complacent
breathing in a feel of rest
letting so much bliss be possessed
all around becoming so nascent

help me slow down,
i dont want drown,
not yet.

i am not ready,
i must stay steady,
let go.

life must go on,
i will see the dawn,
later.

others must know,
i wont stop the flow,
let it be.

help me stay,
for one more day,
i will live.

i must leave the world
before my meaning is unfurled

i must never taint the holy
or let anyone else sink as lowly

i must never begin
what will only end in sin

i must master
how to die faster

i must never disappoint
but i have arrived at a breaking point

the world must never know
that i love it so

i have been told
that i will grow old
and the world will look different.

but when i was small,
and not myself at all,
the world was very much the same.

it must be that variety
that so shook society
and shocked all those watching.

the little one-by-one changes
and lopsided ranges
that help each young world to keep spinning

the insignificance of some
must influence the outcome
into the pathways of all

each planet will live
and all rest will forgive
and any different will cease to exist

breathe.

one, two, three too many nights i was left too alone.
one, two, four too many months i felt too lost
one, two, five too many friends made and lost.
one, two, six too many open wounds on my skin that i can no longer feel.
one, two, seven too many abandoned thoughts
one, two, eight too many times i was cast aside.
one, two, nine too many things i said were worthless.

one, two, ten, we've made it this far.

one, two, nine too many minutes i was too panicked.
one, two, eight too many aches i tried to ignore.
one, two, seven too many days i have been sick of myself.
one, two, six too may waves taking my breath away.
one, two, five too many words left unspoken.
one, two, four too many opportunities missed.

one, two, three; *breathe.

flammable, the fields of my wants
amber waves of grain
the fruits of my labor
just being mined away
the old gods' graces fallen
and shriveled to grey
i am being burned