your thoughts are blue,
your heart is sour -
for now you've reached
your hardest hour.

you're falling out of what "once was"
*she used to smile, "just because"

actually i lied to you, that one time in my car when we were having a happy morning on our way to go swimming after we got coffee, you asked me if i listened to classical music and i told you i didn't-

and quite frankly i'm listening to classical music this very moment trying to think of a poetic way to phrase "i wish you were in my bed making out with me right now. that you were here sliding your fingers between mine as we were talking about anything, maybe just talking **** because you like that i'm nice but that i'm not actually a nice girl."

it *was cute that you were so particular about dental hygiene each morning, even the time you made my gums bleed a little. ( i say *was because who the hell knows if we'll look at each other like that again now that times past ) maybe it's not something i'll lose sleep over while you're down south but i'm absolutely curious what part of your memory you file my name under. i wonder if you think you've got me all figured out or if i'm a puzzle of the ocean on a blue day with 10,000 pieces to you.

- sorry i called you weak that first time you slept over, kind of

she's simply done with false and foreign hands,
guiding her where they please
shaking her at the knees

"knit me a sweater so tight
i'll throw up all his poisons bites"

- she'd been filled with lies, flies, purple hair ties
a common mistake making friends with a snake

God is good
- Happy homes make happy souls
- For a wound to heal you have to quit touching it
- Sometimes you win, sometimes you learn / all things grow
- Do not ******* forget who kicks you while you're down  
- The world will continue to spin if you are failing world mythology ****

your voice is but a memory
too soft to now replay
your love still haunts my bones
from miles and miles away

while you look delightful
i still feel so frightful
i'm drawing a blank,
"say something insightful!"

my toes start to curl
my fists become tense
exhaling my thoughts
i've lost all my sense

your hands are turning black,
they say your aunts did too
back when she was a girl
and wore her golden shoes

you start to lose your feeling,
each finger tingling numb
a hopeless war you're fighting
thats already been won

the stars are spitting gold
its landing on the trees
and falling in the river
then shaking all our knees

you sleep a little longer
and tell time it should freeze
then lock it in your safe
and throw away the keys

he said i see it wrong,
i guess i'm upside down
but i was looking up
and he was on the ground

the glass is half full and it's full of the cutest red wine, so fine you would even spill it on my white couch and call it art -
red has always been your favorite color
i see there's flowers sprouting out of your shoes again and that grin is slapped back onto your face; so perfect i might even kiss it
perhaps right? why not

everything tastes vanilla,
what's the point in having a favorite color?
she's got thoughts and legs longer than pi,
and a bite bluer than her latest depression
but she always finds you down there in that sad valley-
doesn't she?
singing on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and

he loves to give you flowers
you slap him in the face
you say that he's naive
/ you've got a can of mace

with fear drowning his vision
his palms they start to shake
i think that i could hear them
a minor type earth quake

fur coats and tall high heels
give them the *******
you say you like a song
and he becomes a singer

And if Were being honest I could build an empire from all the red flags you've tossed my way. I always catch them and tuck them away - Hand dye them and stitch them new names, new patterns, they're anything but wrong.

You never felt wrong

ive got a lump in my throat in the shape of your ***** socks and my head can't stand the smell; your smell crowding my thoughts as I try to do quite literally anything. Anything at all without your name nagging me like a homeless man at a stoplight that just turned red as you sink in your seat knowing this **** voice is not going to get off of my back.

How the **** do I flip my brain upside down to get a green light, anything to let me just breathe a silent thought without smelling your name

two thousand nine hundred and forty six microscopic tiny shards of glass stuck in my hand is the only equivalent feeling to hearing your name

six months later and i keep finding hidden pieces in my palms

/ just when i thought my hands were numb i saw the silky red dress i wore the day my hand hit the glass and all i want to do is throw up

rip down your walls one by one
your thoughts i all undressed
hold on to what you may find dear
to hell with all the rest

pull me close or push me far
it's all the same to me
paint your picture black or white
it's not like i can see

your beating heart is louder now
i play it like a drum
little laughs so late at night
while i crack both your thumbs

she liked to steal old matches
her soul drenched in Santal
thoughts deeper than the canyons,
slurred in her sozzled calls

with rose gold colored eyes,
she grabs your rusty match tin
but if you hand your heart to her
you won't see that again

she hides in her rose bathtub
silk bathrobe, as expected
builds castles made of bubbles
and hearts that she's neglected

I read something along the lines of " all I know is this: I have many wounds but I still stand on my feet" a while ago and it's still stitched to my mind.

my thoughts shout so loud i can't even understand what exactly they're all screaming, clutter clutter clutter

and i wonder what it'll feel like tonight as i sleep alone, knowing i too am alone for the first time in what feels so long- that your foot wont be there to touch mine and i can't hold on to you when i'm having a bad dream. i wonder if my thoughts will still yell so loudly or if there too I'll find silence.

i cannot fathom life without you but i surely will have to start

you know she feels like she could collapse;
a house of cards waiting for a child to
sneeze and she quietly self destructs at her
own tempo, a golden castle made of
all your expired dreams waiting in your
laptop's trash cash waiting to be right
clicked and vanish. silky words slip out
of her mouth before she can even hear what
they're screaming these days and when
she look in the mirror she couldn't tell
you who's teeth she's brushing really

I can feel you slipping away

six word story

sweet oxygen fills me lungs
as i inhale a new start, a fresh
perspective of all that ive known
as i exhale your spite and
how i've always been second
best in your eyes.

darling i am much more than second best, and i cannot wait to love myself again.

twenty nine bow ties
all handsome in green
you must raise your hand
but you want to scream
twenty nine shoes laces
all ******* just right
an assembly line
you follow with fright
you long for the days
with no little errands
a nice cup of coffee
with a nice girl named karen
you wake and you shake
this wild thought blue
your pianos electric
and that cadilac too
turn right! turn left!
and you start to smile
muting their voice
and sing the meanwhile

six word story

there is no age in which a mother forgets her child;
i think their heart beats connect like SONAR

the child types furiously in one room as the mother
tosses and turns hearing each letter as loud as a gun
shot

I hate stomping on sparks,
Trying to be the first to erase
The butterflies
Choosing logic over the shared
Eye contact that made your heart
Thump as loud as the music playing
In your brain while your happiness
Danced around the room

But I'll stomp anyways so you don't crush me

if you see something say something
if you break something fix something
if you hurt someone apologize to someone
if you love someone kiss someone
if you rip something tape something
if you question something ask something
if you hate something do something

but sometimes things are easier said than done and i'm so emotionally exhausted i could collapse and evaporate; but i'm an ***** donor it's alright take what's left of me

there are some mornings, like these,
where simply getting out of bed is too much.
The thought of leaving this room overwhelms me,
I'll nearly collapse if I must go on to share small talk,
explaining  w h o   I      a m
where I've b e e n
w h e re      I '   l  l   g o.
These chats feel like a million bugs crawling on my skin,
as I anticipate the thumbs up to be able to shake them all off

sweet tiny nothings;
visual haikus

the heart thumps louder
lungs clinch head spins

what a feeling; when everything adds up.
when the fog clears and you see where you stand.
when the lights come on at the club and you see everyones face.
when you open your mcdonalds bag to find the wrong order.
when you get that test back and you got a C
when you order sprite and it ends up being water
when i jump in the ocean and its still a couple weeks early
when you realize youre not enough for someone, but you could be everything to someone new

spinning on an island sat a little girl in blue,
the ocean gave her nightmares and she didn't know what to do

she never learned to swim so she sat and watched the waves
and when they made her angry her mom would yell "behave"

but how could she control it, her mind would turn to red
each crash would start to mock her, their sound stuck in her head

she'd kick and scream throughout her dreams and wake up on the floor
and cry when she awoke because she'd had this one before

******* she'd yell, AND LET ME BE but cursing was a sin
she'd wash her mouth with soap once more, the sea would always win

this heart led a simple life;
not too many visitors. you could even call it lazy;
i heard about a month ago she let it crawl into the
master bedroom, shriveling into the fetal position.
it built a fort of egyptian cotton sheets to live under;
protecting itself from all the ghosts and monsters that
like to lurk around the hall ways this time of year.

doesn't sound like a bad idea

holy hell you're the bad acid trip i never asked for;
the spins after a bad night of drinking or the stranger in the alley way when you're walking home alone.
you were the spam email that wouldn't stop popping up all over my home computer while i yelled at the screen in sixth grade
you're the bad chicken nugget at mcdonalds you bite into and say oh **** what the **** is this and suddenly question if you should make yourself throw up
you're a toothache, headache, heartache, literally any synonym for something terrible or painful.

i have no beautiful words to describe you, no nothing.

the thought of kissing you ever again makes me want to throw up.

Six word story

toss turn toss turn toss turn
weight wait weight wait weight
push pull push pull push pull
go stay go stay go stay go stay
fingers throat fingers throat
oh please stay five more minutes
turn the sun switch off and throw
your blue blanket over my eyes
i am drowning in a sea of sheets
and thirty eight daily battles but
you took away my anchor so i've
drifted off the grid with no boat
water lungs water lungs water
water lungs water lungs breathe in
sink sink sink sink sink sink sink

i heard you're out in Cali, i nod my head and smile
(who knew irish goodbyes were going to be your style)

we used to share our poems, until the sun would wake
i still do not believe that you were a mistake

What a happy thought;
As I'm overwhelmed with fear as our plane shakes with turbulence left to right I suddenly hear the sweet sound of children giggling with joy, having no clue how high in the air we are or what the possibility of this could all mean.

I'll trade you my heavy heart for your fresh perspective

I can't write the way I used to;
can't think quite the same either

time scares the **** out of me-

you think you know someone
and then they become the old
pal who forgot to call the past
three months.

i just want my bones to collapse like
a folding chair; throw my white flag
as far as my limbs will allow and my
skin seeps into this burnt orange knit
wonderland of comfort that keeps me
sane and commands the sun to get lost
when he tries to yank me back into
reality ;

trains

trains are so **** stressful

i had no idea how much i'd learn to dread
their midnight cries two octaves out of my
singing range; they climb in my ears and
tell me to get lost- go back where i came from
cause I'm not cut out to run with these girls

and the biggest part of me wants to yell back
fine!
fine.
alright;
to the mountains i go

and my mind drips with doubt as the silence roars louder
I pick at the left over black nail polish as my hands shake
its unfathomable - that you - are now a stranger
but I'll still fall asleep in this Beach House and think of you

and now these thoughts are spilling onto my hardwood floors
their scent the same as that black sweater of yours I'd always steal

your fingers tips they run up and down my mind
i can't resist the way your words melt down my spine

Roanoke is like webbed toes; really weird but in a way that makes you wanna cough or throw up if you look too close

“my mother’s trust issues are leaking into my chest
and I’ve got my father’s nose and his tendency to
stop calling back
so I’m sorry
about the 9 missed calls I have from you
and the 6 voicemails I never played
I swear I’d love you if I could”

you've got a million little stars in your heart and they're all twinkling at me tonight, smiling watching us dance on other sides of the planet singing the same melody we wrote so many moons ago

I believe in beautiful things
I believe in change

I cannot write if I am not in love and it is so **** annoying.

nothing leaves a more sour taste than knowing you miss loving who someone once was and that they've evolved into a stranger

I have cried more times this January than I did in 2017 collectively

( i sat in my shower and cried for two hours and i'm the cleanest i've felt in a while )