Split seams on the dress of my daydreams.
No needle or thread in sight.
Where is the seamstress who'll fix this?
Why is she never here on time?
Lost on my way down the aisle.
Commit to a man I don't know anymore.
You don't get to sweep this under my veil.
You claim love but won't let me go.
I asked that you didn't tear my dress,
since it was my only protection from
the elements.
You agreed with me
but then snipped at the seams
when you said "Just trust me."
Was it all for your own pleasure?
To play with my own nerves.
You bought me a drink and played a sad song.
Then apologized for the miscommunication.

There was no miscommunication.

I'm young and I shouldn't preach
but at least listen to me speak.
I have dreams about
what this world could be.
I have ideas
on how we could be
and to discredit me
based solely on my youth
tells me more about you
than you could ever tell me.
Who silenced you
when you were young?
Who taught you that
the younger generation is dumb?
Who taught you it was okay
to silence those youthful tongues?

Who silenced you
you silencer?

Everything is okay, you're fine.
Those are only just shadows.
That noise was just the wind,
or was it the trees
or maybe it's a person,
...who is that person,
what if something bad happens.
Shut up!
I'm trying to sleep.
No, you have to be prepared.
Prepared for what.
Anything that could possibly happen,
well I guess i'm not sleeping then.
Not until you've checked all the doors and the windows
okay
twice
twice?
Don't forget the basement door
okay!
Oh it's so dark and creepy down there
okay.
But you have to make sure the door isn't unlocked... What was that?
What was what?
The light switch isn't working, it's like a horror movie,
...no it's not
No it's true, the girl cant turn on the lights but she goes down the stairs anyways,
stop.
Then she makes it to the bottom but she keeps hearing these noises
okay, that's enough.
Don't go by the laundry room, there is definitely someone there.
But that's where I have to go!
Go. Don't go. Go. Don't go.
I'm going, nothing is there, i'm fine.
Don't go, DON'T GO, DON'T GO!
OH MY GOD I'M SO SCARED.
...
...
Oh, there was nothing there, oh well, you can go back to sleep now.
...Thanks.

Innocence,
where did you go?
I swear just yesterday
I was a little girl in fifth grade
who told herself that she was going to do something
BIG.
But here I am
typing away endlessly,
questioning why things are this way
because I swear
there were two paths my family could have taken
when I was in fifth grade,
and the most difficult one was chosen for us,
and I don't know if I can handle it.

My sister drinks, smokes, and has *** too much,
she's only 19,
she has told me over and over again
"Don't be like me, because I did this,"
and then she proceeds to explain to me,
in very vivid detail,
what she has done.
But I never wanted to hear it.

My other sister, who is now 21.
I was not very close to from sixth grade
to my sophomore year in high school.
I couldn't have told you what her favorite color was,
and she couldn't have told you mine.
But I idolized her.
So the day I learned that she was like my other sister
for her high school career,
was the day I learned how useless pedestals were,
because people always seem to fall even farther,
and the impact hurts everyone even more
than it could be imagined.

My brother, who is 16,
is the one I absolutely adore.
I always try to be there for him
whether I am at his games
or just hanging out with him.
But the days where he doesn't say anything,
scares me.
Because I can't tell if he is okay,
and all I want to know is if someone is okay.

My parents are the best I could ask for,
but I am always under so much stress from them.
I feel like they are putting all of their hopes and dreams on me,
as if I am the only one who will do something with their life,
and that terrifies me,
and depresses me.
The expectations are not something that I wish to go through,
because they aren't my expectations,
they are somebody else's ideals placed over my own.
I also don't like how much work I do for my family,
and how much work I do in school,
only to get nothing in response,
not even a thank you.
I just get told of how I could have done it better.
I know that those sound minor,
but they still cut deeply,
because it feels like no matter how hard I try,
that I will never do anything right.
They also count on me to watch my niece and two nephews
and it has taken them two years
to mention how much I have done for those troubled kids,
whose situation tore me apart.

In sixth grade I became an aunt,
because my half-brother is an idiot
and he got this girl pregnant.
Because we are a nice family, we offered to take in this girl
and try to give her an opportunity in life to do something.
But she just lied and manipulated us into thinking
that she was going to school,
and that she was being a good parent,
and it worked,
But, one day we found out the truth.
My mom saw her out of school
when she was supposed to be there,
and then discovered that her school notebook
had only one page of notes for a month of school.
Then we all saw her hit her child's hands
and then face,
then spanked her child for crying when she needed a diaper change.
Then one day,
my half-brother and his girlfriend
took my niece away.
I was in seventh grade at the time,
already dealing with my own bullies and demons,
but that day is burned into my memory.
It changed my life forever,
because I honestly believed that I would never see my niece again,
I believed that she would be dead in the next year.
I gave my niece a kiss on her forehead,
and I prayed to God that she would be okay.
I ran into my house and I cried.
That was the day that all of my innocence was taken away.
Everything has been my own Hell since then.

And I really miss those days where I looked at the world
as this beautiful and exciting place
and where every new answer fascinated me
to the point where I loved asking
Why?

But now I hate that question,
because there is never really a straight answer anymore.
*To be continued...

Whispers are like voices being carried on the wind.
They dance just out of range
and your ear can't quite catch it.
You probably should have tried harder to listen.

Shouts are like cannons exploding the enemies ranks.
They are always heard
and your body feels the blast.
You probably should have tried harder to run away.

Little taps are like needles.
They dig gently into your fingertips
and you can barely feel them.
You probably should have tried to feel something for once.

Smacks are like gunshots.
They rip through your flesh leaving their mark
and your skin stings from the contact.
You probably should have tried to avoid them.

Light is like peace and purity.
It places hope in your heart
and your mind can understand that.
You probably should have tried to hang on to that.

Darkness is like a deep, black ocean.
It suffocates you, the pressure is intense
and your lungs feel like they're drowning.
You probably should have tried to swim.

The end is just like the beginning.
It always happens so quickly
and your body is not quite prepared for it.
You probably should have recognized that this is the end.

I think to myself,
a great deal of things
that weigh heavily on my mind
I can't seem to express
this feeling I have
and how deep within myself
it resonates
I feel like a small but important part of me
is dying on the inside
it's shriveling into nothingness
I find that i'm not angry
and i'm not scared
i'm just sad
and depressed
and this feeling
circles through my body
unrelenting against my emotional capacity
I passed my breaking point
a long time ago
but the sadness escalates
and spills over
flowing into others
and it spreads like wildfire
it just crushes me
to no end
and I can't cry
believe me i've tried
sometimes all I want
is to cry
but no tears will fall from my eyes
there would only be the strangled gasps
of someone who is sobbing
and i'm tired of it
i'm tired of being sad
but to me
it looks like
I won't stop being sad
and i've been thinking
for a long time now
about death,
and when I go
i'll hate that i'll leave everyone I love
behind
but to me
dying isn't a morbid thought
it's just life
and it must be accepted
as always
and when I go
whether I die young
or old
if I come to a natural end
or a not
life will go on
it's a never ending of cycle
of love and pain
a dangerous cycle
as I see it
there is so much in life to enjoy
and I know this
i'm aware
and I try not to be so absorbed in myself
so I can live
and pull out of this shell
that I have been rebuilding for months
but it's getting even harder to manage
I don't feel in control of myself
and the problems my family and I face
every single day
tears me apart
I miss the days when I was a little kid
yes i'm still young
and i'm techinically still a kid
however I feel older
this situation that i've been put in
forced me to grow up faster
not everyone has nieces and nephews when they're only twelve
and not everyone has to deal
with my irresponsible half brother who is in his twenties
and his girlfriend
who is the mother of these children
and not a good mother at all
she's cruel
just awful to these children
that's the reason one of my nephews lives with us
everything is just barely staying together
held as tight as a single thin thread can hold
and i'm the thread
I don't like the weight
and the tugging
and yanking
of the way everything is going
I feel like one day
i'll just collapse from it all
and the thread will snap
and I will fall to dizzying darkness
while the everything else
just spirals out of control

I'm going to ride this tidal wave of euphoria
          until it
               crashes
                    on the
                        shore
and the feeling exists no more.

Sorry I haven't been on in awhile,
I just haven't had the time to read my friends poems and write lately.
Between sports and school
I have very little time for friends and family,
and I have very little time for myself.
It's hard to manage time when you don't have much of it.
But anyways,
today I read over 60 poems,
and I left some comments,
I'll have to go back and reread some of them,
but I have finally caught up,
and hopefully
I will be able to go on HP
And read, comment, and write.
Once again, i'm sorry for just dropping off the radar these past days,
I will do my best to not do that anymore.

Today it was cold,
but I didn't really notice.
Because the sun had come out
from behind the dark clouds.
It didn't radiate much heat,
but I was completely warm.

Today I was anxious,
because I was going to meet up with you.
And after what we've been through
in the past couple of days,
I was a little afraid,
of what could happen.

Today I was happy,
because you seemed to be yourself.
You weren't ignoring me,
we were who we were,
in the beginning.
And that made me happy.

Today it was cold,
but I didn't really notice.
Because your arm was around me
keeping me warm as we walked,
on a rather long path,
step for step,
walking into the dark.

My skin is crawling.
Touch makes me very angry
I can't stand the thought
of a room full of people
looking at me
like I've grown an extra head.
Or maybe I've grown fangs
to match my biting words?
Are they glaring now?
Good.
My cold behavior is putting people off
and i'm roughly shoving people aside
No, I don't want to hug them,
No, i'm not trying to be rude,
no, i'm not sick
I'm not sick
I'm not sick.

Tonight, I feel like a monster
please don't touch me.

××××××××××××××××××××××××
Keep guard in your garden
××××××××××××××××××××××××
Lethal lean leaves
seem to stick to their trees.
Scraggly-looking and furnished rather sparsely,
its roots still dug deep into the earth;
Absorbing all moisture from the dirt.

Leaving it
                   dry,
                   cracked,
                   broken
Like lungs;
                    unable to breathe.
Like hearts;
                    unable to beat.

A leaf falls and gets caught in a sudden breeze.
The wind not realizing what it released,
for attached to the leaf were its lethal seeds.
Ready to spread their toxicity.
×××××××××××××××××××××××××
Keep guard in your garden
×××××××××××××××××××××××××

It looks like you're stuck
in a little box of Hell.
Emotional Hell.
The worst kind.
It makes everything else hurt so much more,
everything is just even more real than before.
It's like you're trapped,
in your box,
that's closed tight,
and will be buried,
and you'll be six feet under
with emotional Hell.
You'll wonder to yourself,
how on earth did you get here,
why in the **** world are you in this mess,
and why does everything and everyone hurt so much.
Then your own head doesn't help you,
because then you start to think of everything you've done wrong,
everything you ******* up accidentally or on purpose.
You'll imagine you deserve this ******* Hell
when you don't.
You do not deserve this,
you are better than this.
Kick and scream
fight your way out.
Don't you ever let this trapped feeling win,
don't let it take you to emotional Hell.
Head up and push on,
knock down those strict walls,
you can do it,
you are so much stronger than you think,
you are so much better than you think.
It'll all come to an end,
and your walls will be knocked down,
and you can be you again.
You had to grow up too soon,
you had felt the wrath of uncontrollable emotions.
But you are not alone,
I was there too.
But I got out,
and so can you.

Trigger my thoughts
     with a ticklish touch
and watch my body
     **** away.
As I shudder and plead
     for you to end my unease.
You think I like it.
     You say I like it.
Have I played my part yet
     like I'm some marionette?
Tug on my limbs
     make me respond to your whims.
Touch yields no pleasure
     when I'm young and in danger.
I dance because you make me.
     I lie still when you take me.
Words won't leave my mouth
     though years have passed.
You're a monster that destroys
     every child you contact.
But my pen still works
     and I'll write of you.
Like a villain in a story book
     you will end too.

I don't know who to believe anymore.
I just want someone in this country
to make us safe
to make us stable
so that we can then build on that platform
and make our country a better place
for the citizens who live here
and for the future citizens
who deserve better
and I have such little faith
in all of the candidates
I don't know who to believe
because I don't think I believe that any
could actually get it done
and that scares me

I would
If I could
But I can't
So I won't
Do it

I would
If I could
And I can
So I will
Do it

That little vase,
that once held those wildflowers,
and was adored by that family,
that once lived there.
Now lays on the floor.
New dust has settled
over the now messed up inside.
The little table is thrown aside,
by the power of the earth.
It stays there forgotten,
by everyone that once knew it,
and now there is a crack
in the vase,
that was deemed unbreakable.
Not too long ago.

I feel it mounting,
slowly, steadily building,
every little thing adds to the heat,
I feel,
that slowly rises,
to my head,
creating an ever growing red mist,
that clouds my vision.
That mist is hard to clear away,
once it comes,
and luckily I rarely see it,
but when it's there,
my rage becomes,
uncontrolled.
My fuse is long,
but once it's lit,
it can not be stopped,
i'm like a ticking time bomb,
ready to explode,
at any given moment,
and when I do explode,
I cause an impressive amount,
of damage.
But now I know I will explode soon,
I can feel the adrenaline,
rush through my veins,
and my blood,
roaring in my ears,
my body is shaking with
the anticipation,
of finally letting go,
of my anger,
and releasing all of my stress,
and feelings,
so I can start fresh again,
but until that happens,
my anger will be,
uncontrolled,
and never stopped,
until I can calm myself down.