I lived my life held down by chains
whips
and sour wails.
Then came prince one day
and saved me from myself.
He took me to a place
of glass
it must've been the stars
and it must've been the
sky.
But, it was only glass
it seems.
Not even fragile to my surprise.
I began to train.
to fight for freedom
for none one but me.
I let my demons
push on my chest.
reminding me of who I used to be.
friends, lovers, and enemies  
passed right through my hands
as I figured out my fate to follow
there in Adarlan.

Every sunrise brings a wave of hurt to wash over me like a typhoon.
Every sunset brings my regrets to come rest like bricks on my shoulders.
Threatening to snap  my spine in two.

Every doubt comes and shackles to my ankles.
I let the metallic taste melt into my blood stream and become part of me.

Every noise shatters my ear drums and sends shocks through my body.
They leave burns streaked across my body like tattoos.
Tattoos that won't wash off in the sink.
They won't fade with time.
Tattoos that remind me who I am.
...Or used to be.

Every blade of grass cuts my feet like words cut my back as you stuck each one in with precision.

Every car drives away with my hopes and dreams buckled in the back seat listening to the radio.
Singing every word like they can't hear me crying for them to return.

Every cloud rains on my mind like acid that pours from the bottle into his glass.
Like hatred onto the plate that she sniffs.

Every warmth I feel drowns in my sorrows like I drown in the typhoon that lays at my feet.
I will always have my tattoos.
a memory of myself.
...or used to be.

When I look in the mirror in the morning,
I feel fine.
I brush my hair.
I am fine.
I brush my teeth,
And I am fine.

Then I notice how my teeth aren’t as white as they could be.
But I'm still fine.

Then I put on my clothes and I notice how I spill over the sides.
But I am fine.
Then I notice how my hips jut out
And my jeans are never long enough in the ankles.

Then I spend ten minutes thinking of changing my jeans,
Because this shirt is too tight
But I opt for a hoodie instead.
Then I am lost in the hoodie.
I feel like a blob of fabric.
And then just a blob.

I get in my car and look in the mirror to adjust
And notice how dark under my eyes are.
When I’m pretty sure they weren’t that dark earlier.

As I drive to school, I notice my hands on the steering wheel
And ponder how they can be both fat and scraggly at the same time.

I get to school and notice people staring at me at the red lights
While I begin to cross the road.

I pass windows and with each one,
I notice my thighs grow larger with each step.
I notice how wide I am when I pass other girls
Then I think about my ankles and I swear I can feel them swell.

By the time it is twelve o’clock,
I have convinced myself that I am a
Bulging,
Suffocating,
Beast
Who tramples everyone in the room.
And the Earth is suddenly too small for someone as big as I am.

I am
strong
because you were
weak.
too busy
living
to give a **** about me.

I am
shattered
because you were
free.
Not trying to slow down
or think about me.

I am
grounded
because you were
soaring.
Your brain never resting
while mine looks forward.

I am
here.
because you were
young.
So in love.
but yet so dumb.
Not thinking of what would happen
if you spread your legs.

I am
dying
but your mind is dead.

Please don't leave me
lying in the dirt
giving me nothing to do
but wallow and hurt.

please don't leave me
to stitch my own wounds
leaving my body
to be consumed.

Please don't leave me
to be all alone
and let my mind become
a giant cyclone.

Please don't leave me
to fight my battles without you
because I'm not sure
I can even get through.

so please don't leave.

this clock on the wall
is my worst enemy
tick
tick
ticking away at my sanity
my eyes linger over every hand
every number
it pretends to be my friend  
my partner in crime
but if it was,
I assume that I would have more time.

I was a woman of water
A river for a body
to flow like a current.
I was meant only to sweep men off their feet.
But never do anything but slip through their hands.
Used only as something to mop up.
But I found a man made of fire.
That turned my voice into a voice.
It was no longer a trickle.
He took my rocky heartbeat.
And turned it into a heartbeat.
Then one day,
His flames turned into a fingertip.
One that caressed my jawline
And whispered to my riverside cheekbones
Telling me to become an ocean.
To drown.
Have a fierceness of a tidal wave.
To crash anyone who hurts me.
His hand touched me like a hand inside a wishing well
And I grew the size of the Atlantic.
I carried him with me, but his flames came back.
Turning me back into a river
A creek
A puddle
A girl.
I held hands with a campfire
Burnt my skin into submission
And evaporated.
Like I’m supposed to.

Pale skin, meeting.
Mouths colliding.
Sweat dripping.
Pulse rising.
Eyes closed.
Hands exploring.
Nails raking down a back
Moonlight leaking through the window
Brown hair cascading around her shoulders.
Time seems to vanish,
With each passing moan.
Headboard creaking
Heat pulsating through the room
Door opening.
Your wife shrieking,
“What were you thinking?”
*****, I didn’t get to finish.

Kiss me until I'm drunk  
and slurring my words.

Kiss me until I am stumbling
and tripping.

Kiss me until my breathe leaves
along with the world.

Kiss me until I forget my name
and my past

Kiss me for as long as you would like.
Just kiss me.

Smoke fills your lungs,
like the secret fills the closet.
Doors shut tight.
Nose hair coiled.
Fire burning
at the end of the stick.
Working down to scorch your lips.
Fire on your tongue,
along with the taste of your lover.
Christianity is baffled by your addictions.
Smoke rolling underneath the closet door.
the smoke swirling in your head,
love dancing on your tongue.
Waltzing with the nicotine.
Your secret is holding hands with the smoke.
The smell clings to your clothes
Like the way you cling to him.
You need him,
You need the taste,
The smoke will fill it,
Your lover’s kisses will help it,
You need.
You need.
You need…..to inhale.

A little boy
Maybe a bit too old
Kissing a girl with a heart of gold
He tells her "nobody can know"
then he sees how far he can go

He tells her yes
When she says no

A little boy
Maybe a bit too old

Turning a girl's heart
Into stone.

Heart’s deterioration
Soulful deprivation
Self- alienation
Mindful admiration
Pretending to be patient
Hands busy shaking
Still sorta breaking
To you in which I’m thanking
My gears are busy cranking
But yet I am silent

Your voice haunts my dreams,
your touch is so distant it seems.
"Father", I cry.
"Why can't you love me"
You're transparent,
I can see right through,
But after each of your lies,
I still believe you.

Dad, you pass right through my walls,
knocking pictures off
echoing down the halls.

Dad, please.
I will do what you want to love me.
Summon you up,
and hold you tight,
just please tell me that it is alright.

Dad, you're a ghost.
a breath of the past.
Oh how time has gone by so fast.

Never have I ever felt so alone.
Daddy, oh, Daddy,
I fear you're a ghost.

I need to leave here
run away.
Find a breeze to ride on.
A dream to eat.
I need my feet to carry me
from this.
to leave.
before you do.

A veteran
Missing his children
A gun blazing strong
Steel hats hiding what is really wrong
Fighting the devil
Or so we’re told
And we believe them
Until we get old
We salute and click our heels
And pray for their survival
Just before our meals
They fight for us
We love them forever
That was our deal
But now they are sleeping in gutters.
What happened to loving and honoring…
Our sisters and brothers?
Mother liberty is shaking her head
Because ***** the living
We only care for the dead
America, this is who we have become
But go, join the army
Trust me
Itll be fun.

I am a flower
Pedals moving in the night wind.
Leaves falling to the ground.
Kissed by the moon.
Grounded deep in relief.
Roots outstretched.
Yearning to hold onto something.
I am a flower.
Flourishing and growing.
I am soft and sorry.
I am delicate and vulnerable.
I am a flower.
pedals moving in the night wind.

Soft vibrations
waft through the air and
touch my ears like water on the edge of the pier.
They caress and ******
as if they know that I'm close to shattering my own walls.
I can barely feel them press against my teeth
barely taste the copper laced with sugar as they slide down my throat
and can't even feel them wrap around my lungs.

I remember the distance of our hearts
As you walked away
For the one hundredth time.
You smiled and said
"Be back later,"
Before trailing behind the same kind of monster
To hunt for the thrill of killing.
The thrill of killing
Not the monster.
But yourself.
Because you too remember the way it felt to be knee deep in one million questions ******* you under.
"Why?"
Is the most common.
The one threatening to eat you the fastest.
It stares you in your face as you break and laughs.
This question mirrors every breath you take.
And i know you felt the way I feel.
I know.
I remember seeing you look human for the first time in years.
As you threatened to take your own life because the well had swallowed you up to your chest.
Mom.
I know.
I remember the purest moments of ourselves as you danced in the dim light to a country song.
I remember the times you grew into a bear to protect me from the lashing kind of monster you eventually began to follow.
I remember the first monster.
I remember the first time you chased that thrill.
But i can't remember a time when you said
"I love you,"
And meant it.
So now.
I hope that my walking away in the arms of the sunlight will become a memory to you.
I hope you take this as a reason to laugh back at the question
"Why,"
Because i did.
I laughed back and it told me the answer.
The answer saved me and told me to run.
The answer that question gave me is the reason why when I walked out the door a turned to tell you
"I won't be back."

****
is that too ****** of a word for a poet?
Is it a grease stain in a pool of beauty?
Does it drip like venom from a person's tongue?
Can it melt your being into bits and pieces?
Does it bring shame to the mind that birthed it?
Can such a simple word break a poem?
****

Today was weird for me.
I was so nervous and trembling with guilt.
~I don't have enough money.~
But my grandmother was going to buy everything.
I saw her pick out things like the price meant nothing.
She saw a pretty blouse and said "do you like it?"
Of course I liked it.
It was a pretty blue and had a very adorable set of flowers at the cusps.
The flowers were vintage.
It spoke of a librarian's day off.
A golden morning while sipping coffee,
with a walk on the beach after lunch.
but it was thirty dollars.
And I knew that if I said I liked it, she would toss into the cart.
She couldn't.
~ I don't want you to spend money on me.~
I shriveled.
As if I had aged significantly in under thirty seconds.
my back caved and my arms tucked themselves around my waist.
I suddenly found a great source of interest in my feet.
"I think it's really pretty," I utter.
"Do you want it," she asks.
It hangs like a thirty pound weight in her hands.
Of course I wanted.
"Oh, I don't think they have my size."
Of course they had my size.
She put it in.
I felt my soul snap.
How could I ask to spend so much of her earned money on me.
She works two jobs, and decides to use her paycheck on a lavish blouse for her granddaughter.
That thirty dollars could have gone towards food or gas.
How dare I become worth more than comfort?
She bought it despite my attempts to change her mind.

I love the shirt, it fits me well.
I feel confident and pretty in it.
but the guilt feels like I traded the world for it.

He finalized his will
Put his signature at the bottom
Left me the house
And the china set
His death should have been a surprise to me
But now.
I have to wait.
I can feel the news lurking in the shadows
of the darkest part of
My closet.
It waits, coiling, licking its lips
Waiting to come out and wrap itself around me.
Waiting to see me cry.

I struggle with was and is.
I know he is still alive,
But he doesn’t think to be much longer
Do I deny or accept the truth?

I imagined him being eaten by worms
And I threw up.
I imagined never calling his phone number again
And had a panic attack.
I’ve memorized it since I was little
Now, someone else will be memorizing it.
I don’t know if my reason for pre-mourning
Is normal, because I don’t want to spend more time with him.
I don’t want more memories to remember.
But I don’t have enough.
I know that when it happens, I will lose the
Ability
To write again.

I won’t want to do anything that he can’t.
So I write this now.
So everyone knows.
I love him.
My grandfather was pure.
He was every inch of what we pray we find in love.
Every man pales to expectations he has placed.
He raised me.
He cared for me.
No questions asked.
And I want people to know that whether he is alive or
Dead.
He is my best friend.
Finalized will or not, he will be with me.
Every step. I take.
He is my grandfather.

I feel lost.
Like there is someone giving me the wrong directions.
I am constantly taking the wrong turn at the intersection,
My car is low on gas.
I am lost.
It’s like I am in the woods for the first time.
Every tree looks the same, every cave is new
Even though I passed it minutes before.

This feeling goes deep into my chest
And wraps its fingers around my organs
Squeezing them until my chest seizes up.
I sit at the dinner table while my body goes to war.
I guess it doesn’t matter though because there is only one casualty.

They say not to think about it.
Pretend that the feeling isn’t there.
Blink three times, and breathe.
Snap your fingers and breathe.
Whistle a tune and breathe.
Do nothing,
Ignore it
And breathe.

What part of me means so little
to you?
I mean,
why am I so forgettable?
When you stay on my tongue like a blister.
Every world I speak
drives the conversation back to you.
where my heartbeat crashes,
I suffer a concussion,
but you walk away just fine.
Why?
Why not?
I mean, is that your motto?
something you say before you lose yet another tooth.
Crash
Boom
Pow.
There goes one down the drain.
same as my blood.
your future.
our relationship.
How many nights has my memory haunted
YOUR  
dreams?
1
2
17
does it take how old I am to return you back to
reality.
almost 20 years of neglect for you to give up on.
Quitter.
Why am I so angry?
How many nights did I pray to anyone who would listen
to get me out of there.
but the second you let go of my hand,
I fell flat on my face
when I thought,
when I thought I would walk just fine.
maybe even run.
but it seems the only running I have been doing
is away from my guilt.
I left him there to drown.
His hand sticking out of the water
begging to pull me back under
so maybe he wont die alone.
Instead,
I fell asleep in a clean bed.
full stomach, and heavy heart.

God has forgotten to care
God has forgotten that somewhere
Down here
There are children crying into their pillow
Hoping to smother the demons clawing at their eyes
God has forgotten to see that somewhere
There is a girl who has insecurities like wings that fly her into the abyss of loneliness
God had forgotten that his children are knee deep in sorrow and hatred
God has forgotten to care because he is too busy watching friends’ reruns in SpongeBob underwear and an espresso pressed to his lips.
God has forgotten to care that our first instinct is fire
Words in our mouths are like loaded guns pressed to our temple
Acid pours with the rain
Burning the ground
Sodden with footprints of the weary
God has forgotten that people are only people.
When we ask where god is
The answer is “listening to a nirvana mix tape, getting high enough to stomp on the world”
Letting his big toe crush our spirits
And his athlete’s foot is giving us rashes
God doesn’t ******* care
God has forgotten how to.
We are our only hope.
Salvation for ourselves, because god is gone.
He left with Jesus to go to palates
The only way that we will live is to remember to care.

Your mouth is like the galaxy.
You have skin like the Milky Way.
Eyes like moons, twinkling like stars
Heart the size of planets.
You’re so beautiful it’s galactic,
it take my breathe away.

I am not property to be had.
I am a person
a young woman at that.
My **** isn’t a landing strip for your hands.
My ******* aren’t magnets for your eyes
I wasn’t born for your pleasure.
I am not working my way through life
shaking my hips.
my eyelashes will never bat baseballs
in your direction.
I am a young woman,
please respect me and my pride.

I used to want to be like you
Grow up just alike.
I would dream of being part of a two
In my bed at night.
And sometime, when you weren’t home,  
I would sneak into your room
And put on all you clothes
Even though your shirts to me
Were more like robes…
In my mind, we were unstoppable
And unlike all else
Because I always felt that I could come to you
Whenever I failed.
I loved you
I needed you
Hell, I still sorta do
But as I time passed by
And I grew.
I started to realize things that I never knew.
I used to want to be like you…
That was before I knew
What you do,
Holed up tight
In your room.

A poet has his metaphors,
And an artist has his hands.
A musician has his music
A mistress has her man.
The fish have the ocean,
And the sun has the moon.
I have my books,
But more importantly,
I have you.

Words scatter in my mind and I get this image
of a girl.
White dress.
Beauty curls her hair for her and the sun shines her sidewalk.
But the sidewalk wants to eat her.
Take her white dress as a condiment and her beauty as a side dish.
She crosses a crack
Feels it open beneath her feet, but precious to her mother, she leaps.
A back is safe,
A girl stays beautiful,
And a sidewalk starves.

Please don't talk to me about your problems,
because I won't care.
I am too wrapped up in my own affairs.

Please don't tell me a secret.
Because I don't want to hear.
I am too busy, dealing with my fears.

Please don't tell me that you love.
Because I won't believe a word that you speak.
I am just so sad and weak.

Please don't live.
due to me.
please don't show an emotion
because that is how I need it to be.
please.
If you love me.
please.
just leave.

Being cliche is common
People don't have an original thought
They act as if individuality is a sin
and things your way
is the wrong way
Society has become an army of hateful words
shared from behind a screen
where the worst insult given is "gay"
we are a bigoted society
sipping on cynicism
this is America
Where being cliche is common.

Stab me right in the face
With the words from your mouth
Who not ten days ago, spit sugar.

Kick me right in the teeth
With the feet that has walked with me
Away from the darkest of my past.

Punch me in the lungs
The lungs that have held air that will never be as sweet
The same ones
And the hands that caressed my cheek
As your lip met mine and the world went away

Scratch me in the arms
That once was wrapped around our love
But that love is battered
Beaten
And gone.

I'm ***** once again.
Grime that was once scrubbed away
has crawled back onto my skin
and made itself at home.
As if it never left.

Fifteen years of broken glass
And shattered eyed
Fifteen years of tear stained cheeks
The longest days
The longest weeks
Fifteen years with knives in my back
Wounds still deep
And burning from the salt that I lay in
Fifteen years that I have been betrayed
I have had many years and chances to leave
But year after year
I have stayed
Because I can’t
The world is a scary place without your cynicism
And the light burns my eyes
So I stay here
On your leash
Suffocating
Safe and unloved
For three more years.

Daddy oh daddy.
Where art thou now
Have your tendons turned to jelly
Has mind gone to dust
I fear that your muscles,
Have begun to rust.
Your nose is bleeding tear drops.
And your eyes hold crust.  

Daddy oh daddy
Are safe in your head
Locked away with your thoughts,
A child brought back from the dead.
But a ghost isn’t a ghost,
Unless the ghost has died.

Daddy oh daddy,
No matter how hard you try.
I am alive.
I am yours.
I came from YOU.  
And there is nothing you can do to fix that.
Not duct tape,
band aids
or glue.
I am yours, just as much as you are mine.
I am your mistake.
You are my pain.

Daddy oh daddy?
Do you feel it when I cry
Can you smell my sorrow
Sense our love, so desert dry
Has it ever troubled your quaint little mind
That when you are off living your life
That maybe your absence has genuinely ******* up mine

Daddy oh Daddy,
Does it worry your heart
That you don’t own a single hand painted picture
to hang on your fridge
Does it hurt you to know that I never asked for this
Can you sleep well knowing that I won’t a wink
Do you ever stop, just for a second to remember
to think
About me
Can you see my pain, behind our eyes

So many colors in the world
too many to see
and pick from.
people that have a favorite color
astound me.
How can you choose something that
stands out in a world of beauty?
Who am I to say that green is my favorite color
on a day when I am clearly feeling blue?
Tell me something I don't know about a color,
and I will absorb into my skin
and live in the pigment.
But show me a pretty flower and suddenly
I'm consumed by red.
Let me smell a beautiful scent
that reminds me of purple,
or a song that screams magenta
and I am nothing but the rainbow.

My dimpy little town
is cleaning up its act
painting over the rust
wiping up the dust
and covering up the cracks
what it is trying to do
is distract
everyone from the fact
that there is a man selling pills
to your son out back.

I am so sick of living.
What is the point in waking up,
When all you want to do is sleep?

I am so sick of breathing.
Why bother ******* in the putrid air,
If you just want to throw it out?

I am so sick of crying.
What is the point of wiping my eyes
When I know the flood isn't over?

I am so sick of trying.
What is the point of moving
When my limbs ache from my self pain?
I am so sick.

Has our love been tainted by your jealousy?
Can I look the other way
without you demanding my chin to be turned to yours?
How can you love me if I am barely able to breathe?

I’m an abomination of sorts
But with a simple twist of beauty
With curled teeth
That still shine white
Like how perfect something hideous
Can look with the right light
I am a mess
With some sanity mixed in between
And that’s okay because of part of this
All of this
Is me.

Help me to forget my eyes.
My hands.
His lies.

Show me how to hide my feet.
My ears.
Her deceit.

Tell me how to burn my tongue.
my legs,
my lungs.

show me that it isn't my fault.
tell me that I AM strong.
burn my past.
because that was what I wanted gone
all along.

I am hidden behind the screen of myself
I type out words to someone
Something
*** through my fingers
Love, long gone
Deleted
Digital pictures manipulated to hide my ugly
Eyes stinging
To many words
Too bright a screen