And when you’re alone, it will hit you hard
The sadness will crawl into your veins and eat you up alive
It will crush your soul and leave you breathless
You will remember every single tear you’ve shed and you’ll feel a deep stab on your chest
You dare to scream but no one can hear you
You are alone in this nightmare and no one can help you
Not even the one that holds your heart
It’s not the memories that haunt you but the words left unspoken
You try to grasp for air, you cannot even  utter a single word
You try to reach out but you know you can’t touch the stars
Figuring out how to put an end to the bittersweet misery of remembering fleeting moments
Nightmares
You are my nightmare

You are real
I know you are because I saw you
I can never forget the look on your eyes when you met mine
and that smug that made time freeze

You are real
I know you are because I felt you
The tender touch of your hand
and that gentle yet excruciating feeling when you grabbed my neck

You are real
I know you are because I heard you
Your laughter that haunted every nerve in my body
and the sound of your heavy breathing as I watch you sleep

Are you real?
I am no longer sure you are because I can't find you
I need to find you
I need to know that you still exist in real life
and not just on my 3am drunk thoughts

I need to find you
I need to know that you won't hurt me
I need to to know if your existence would affect my present and my future

I want to find you
I need to find you
Before you find me

I can only remember very few liberating moments in my life:

That one time when my dad got mad because I sneaked out of the house to buy candy and when I went back to the house, he was crying. It was the first time that I saw him cry.

That time when I heard Earthmover live for the first time and it was raining hard. I was contemplating about my life, the future with a friend. Asking ourselves what might happen to us in 5 years. That was 2012 and I wish I had it all figured out by then. I was also drunk.

That time when I caught my first wave. I felt free and alive for the first time. I was so stoked, I almost cried as I paddled back to the lineup. Then I pigged out afterwards.

And that time when I went on a date with a stranger. Nothing super fancy, no pressures. A date that lasted for 8 hours. Went to work the next day with literally no shut-eye but my heart was happy.

A few months from now, I am going to marry that guy. Nothing fancy, but there will be a lot of *****, definitely. I’ll be marrying the guy who made me feel the exact same feeling when I caught my first wave, alive. I still haven’t figured everything out, and I guess I’ve accepted the fact that it’s okay.  And how I wish I could see my dad cry when he sees me in my white dress. But that's something that would never happen.

For that one night that made us feel alive
For all the fleeting moments we never thought we'd share together
For all the stories we painted in shallow walls
For the sins that we almost committed, but didn't
For the pain that you've caused my heart
For all the thank you's
For all the goodbyes
This is my final goodbye
You'll forever linger in my mind

Ilang taon akong nabulag sa paniniwalang kailangan mo munang makaranas ng sakit bago mo makamit ang tunay na ligaya.
Na ang bawat luha ay may katumbas na galak, na ang bawat gabi ng pighati ay may pangako ng isang masayang umaga.

Ilang taon akong nakipagsapalaran sa pagibig na mapagpanggap. Kaliwa't kanang kabitan, walang katapusang kasinungalingan.
Pagibig na sa harap ng madla ay puno ng kilig at lambing. Ngunit sa ilalim ng mga yakap at mga halik ay ang mga pasa at sugat na dulot ng masasakit na salitang sing talim ng bagong hasang lanseta.

Ilang taon akong nasanay sa kalungkutan, walang kadaladala. Sugod ng sugod sa labang alam ko namang sa bandang dulo ay ako ang uuwing talunan. Pilit akong kumapit sa mga maling tao. O tamang tao sa maling pagkakataon. O sa akala ko'y tamang tao pero hindi naman ako gusto. Sakit no?

Ilang taon akong sumugal sa mga relasyong walang kasiguraduhan, sa pagibig na "pwede na", kahit alam ko sa sarili kong walang patutunguhan. Minsan nga kahit wala nang kakabit na emosyon basta lang may pantawid sa tawag ng laman pinapatos ko ng walang pagaalinlangan.

Ilang taon akong pansamantalang nakisilong sa iba’t ibang tahanan. Na sa una’y buong puso ang pagtanggap ngunit sa bandang dulo ay walang habas din akong pinagtabuyan palabas.

Ilang taon? Hindi ko na mabilang. Hindi ko na mabilang kung ilang taon akong nagtapang tapangan na suungin ang mga tila panibago na namang disgrasyang maaari kong kaharapin sa proseso ng paghahanap ng tunay na ligaya. Isang pagibig na may pangako ng walang hanggan.

Hanggang sa... napagod na ako. Sa wakas, napagod na ako. Napagod na akong kwestyunin ang kalawakan sa kung bakit palagi na lang akong pumapalya sa pagibig. Napagod na akong magtiwala. Natakot na akong magtiwala. Natakot na akong buksang muli ang puso ko sa susunod na estrangherong magsasabing “hindi kita sasaktan, peksman mamatay man”

At Unti unti kong napagtanto na sa ilan taon kong paghahanap ay ako, ako ang nawala.

At nahanap mo ako.

Ikaw ang naging sagot sa bawat tandang panong na ibinato ko sa kalawakan sa loob ng maraming taon. Tinuldukan mo ang lumbay at ipinamukha sa akin na hindi ko kailangang masaktan para makamtan ang tunay na ligaya. Na kailanma'y hindi ako dapat lumuha dahil sa hinagpis. Hindi ka nangakong hindi mo ako sasaktan, ngunit ipinadama mo sa akin ang  ang masarap **** pagaalaga. Pagaalagang hindi kailangan malaman ng iba para mapatunayan na bukal sa loob ang hangarin. Binigyan mo ako ng dahilan para muling magtiwala.

... Ng lakas na sayo ay kumapit at ipadama sayo ang init at gigil ng pagibig na ni minsan ay hindi ko naipadama sa sinoman. Binigyan mo ako ng pagasa... ng dahilan para muling maging matapang.


At ngayon, sa unang pagkakataon.
Buong tapang kong ipagsisigawan sa buong mundo na palangga ta ka. Na handa na ako sa pagsisimula ng isang bagong paglalakbay kasama mo mahal ko. At oo, oo ang naging sagot ko.

Slowly find your balance
Feel the flow
Know your limit
Capture the moment
And say goodbye

I kept mum about things for a while
Kept my emotions hidden under my bones
A lingering pain of a love untold

Burning polaroids of regret
Channeling the inner desires of thy soul
A haunting memory of you

Finally we've reached the end of the road
I thanked you
You said goodbye

you are 1,398.42 miles away
Not too far, but still not that near
I long for your tight hugs as we sleep
I long for you sweet kisses in the morning
I miss looking into your brown eyes while daydreaming of the day that we’ll walk towards forever, together

You are 1,398.42 miles away
Not too far, but still not that near
8 days, maybe a short time for some
But my heart is aching, my heart can no longer wait for you to come back
It feels like I am waiting for an important mail from the postmaster
It feels like I am waiting for Christmas day


You are 1,398.42 miles away
Not too far, but still not that near
How many sheeps do I need to count before you I see your face again?
I can’t wait, I just can’t any longer
But I know for a fact that you my darling , you’re worth the wait

For years, I kept promises in boxes
Hid them under my bed, inside drawers and cabinets
I hid them in the shallow corners of my heart

For years, I kept on dreaming
Dreamt of warm hugs and forehead kisses
And every night I find myself hopelessly crying

For years, I have loved
Friends and strangers, loved them in the best possible way
But I failed, I have always failed not only them but myself as well

For years, I have given up
I have given up on finding love, on finding the one who has the other half of my heart
And at that moment, the universe gave me the best surprise of my life

I have finally ended the game. The game I started years ago, only to find myself in the losing end. Always. But after years of countless losses, I have regained my strength.
I've won, several times before. But the victory wasn’t as sweet as I imagined it would be.
It felt worse than losing, the guilt haunted me during my sleep and it was an unhappy feeling.

What I only wanted was to find someone who would challenge me, someone who will try to get into the depth of my existence. But when they almost did, that's when I decide to bail. Called it a night and never showed up for the next round of the game.
I was the worst person. But I never regret anything.

For in all my losses and triumphs, no matter how ***** I played the game, I have learned something.
And that is not to find someone who will challenge me, maybe I should start challenging my own self.
I should dig deep into my soul and find what truly gives me bliss
That winning isn’t everything and that creating an illusion that losing is the answer to finding one’s self worth will not move mountains, neither will create peace on earth.

I have finally ended the game.

The monster appeared today infront of my greatest fear
I wanted to stop it but the damage has been done
I fear that he will never love this side of me
I fear that he'll eventually leave me

Why do good things have to come to an end?
Why do I alway have to **** up everything?

I can never unlove you, darling.

"You are my greatest fear" I whispered to your ear while lying in my pink sheets last night
You asked me why, you wanted me to answer
But I just couldn't figure out the reason why
Maybe I am afraid of the things that you make me feel
Maybe I am afraid of the things you make me do
Maybe, no not maybe
I am afraid to lose you
I wasn't sure if my answers would suffice
Then I said, "You told me I was your weakness, now tell me why?"
You closed your eyes, and smiled
You couldn't answer a three letter question, "why"?
Because there are some questions that we cannot answer
Not even science can help us in identifying the reasons

I have completely lost it
It's like there is a hack done in my heart
It can't be undone
You are like a virus that quickly spread into my system
Your presence consumes me
Your love strikes me down to my very core

It's an exhilarating feeling whenever I am with you
Help me please I cannot breathe anymore
You give me reasons to love life, to love myself more

What did I ever do to deserve you?
I am inlove with you, need I say more?
And I sure can tell that you we are on the same page
**** son, I cannot hide these feelings anymore

I haven’t been myself lately
You know that it is my yearly thing, well ever since you’ve been gone
I went back to places that reminded me of you
Like our old house, where I used to visit you every Christmas day and Father’s day
I went to your grave a week after my last visit
I just felt the need to “be with you"
I wanted to find comfort, to feel loved
I went back to my old workplace
I wanted to remember how I made coffee for strangers while you were dying
5 years and still no justice
Seemed like I have given up but I didn’t
I just grew up dad, and learned how forgiveness goes
But I will never forget
I will never forget how soon you left
I will never forget the bullet marks in your chest
I will never forget you daddy
Someday daddy, we’ll find you that justice that you deserve

I am at it again
The adrenaline rush, the sweat, the euphoric yet sadistic approach to grant my inner desires
My body continuously shivered in the dark
As if there was some chemical reaction that was happening to my very core
I was out of control
Everything went out of hand but I felt  most alive during the last 20 something minutes of that night
I was too high to remember everything
I was too high to care that it was 5am and I was still far from home
But my body remembered
My body will never forget how everything else felt right
Every stroke, every scratch, and that electrifying feeling breaking every principle I had in my system since day one
It finally made sense to me now
Everything is perfectly clear to me now

It’s 5:00 am. I feel cold and I am here lying on a stranger’s bed.
No scratch that lying on a “new friend’s” bed. Contemplating on how poorly I have made my decisions for the past 2 hours yet never regretting anything.
I do not know what has gotten into me. My body feels like it is in a state of euphoria, all my senses are alive.
I am as high as ****, too high to even care that I am too high.
I love where I am. I love the liberty, the spontaneity, I love everything.
I wish I could have done this during my younger years. I wish I could have done this before with the same state of mind as what I have now.
And now I am just too old to give a **** on anything that should matter. I grew tired of trying to prove to myself and to others that I maybe can stand alone.
I have needs, everybody has needs that should be addressed and I have found a rather old way to address mine. And it doesn’t matter what others say.
Because in the end, no one will give a **** about your life, anyway.

I was a monster once again
I wanted to stop myself from shouting at you
But the words just cane flying out of my mouth
Incomparable to the sweet promises of forever that I told you once under the stormy clouds
I didn't exactly know what happened
So bear with me if I can't explain it to you the way it should be explained
I have loved you, maybe or maybe not
Or maybe i do not know or maybe I am not capable of loving at all
Because you don't hurt the person you love
So please don't hurt me
Don't cause me any more stress
Don't stalk me
Don't try to talk to me and ask me out to watch a movie
Because we are never even friends to begin with
And I do not want to ever be your friend

You are not broken
You are perfectly fine
Like visions of a pink ribbon perfectly gliding through your pale skin

You are okay
You are alright
Like the sound of the crashing waves at night

You are happy
You are alive
Like the taste of freshly cooked bacon

You are unhappy
You are pretending
You are afraid
You are a liar

Grind, roll, light, burn
Puff, puff pass
And it goes on

Every single day
From the moment I wake
Until before I lay

My mind is in cotton candy world
My body is in a state of Euphoria
My soul is alive, I feel alive

Grind, roll, light, burn
Puff, puff pass
And it goes on

My eyes burn fire
My stomach is growling from hunger
Can you please give me a burger?

My feelings, gone astray
But I still feel alive the most
I have lost it all, I have burnt it all

And they asked me
"Are you down to ****? Or  do you prefer friends with benefits?
Either way there would never be any emotions involved", they say
I said "no, I don’t want any of those things"
Their faces started to change
My guards are high up and they suddenly wanted the chase

But "seriously no", I reiterated
"I don’t want my body to be used in any of your fantasies
It’s not that I haven’t tried any of those things you are imagining right now
I have been there, I have done that
Far too many times than the acceptable number
But I am not ashamed, I am not proud either"

Some of them turned their backs on me due to their dismay
“You shouldn’t really be here” they say
But I am just looking for someone to talk to
This is something that they really cannot accept

I know that my credentials fill your heads with imagination
My photos burn your souls alive
And my words linger in your minds
I have you all trapped under my finger tips
You all want me, but I don’t want you
I am sorry, but not in that way

Because I have been there, I have done that
Far too many times than the acceptable number
But I am not ashamed, I am not proud either
Because I know my worth
And none of you deserves my

Dear You,

The universe can sometimes become too playful. It let’s you experience things that you wouldn’t want to experience, just for the plain reason that you must be able to feel the pain or the pleasure of it. You meet certain people in your life for certain reasons; some people that you don’t intend to meet and yet they suddenly become an extraordinary person in your life. Some you can keep, and some that you would just have to let go. You might think of it as something that generally *****, but it’s doesn’t **** really. It’s the universe’s way of showing you of what you might miss if you decide to prolong that exhilarating feeling, that it will somewhat bring awe, anxiety and even death – death of something that you wish would last for a lifetime. Because in life, you have to make decisions, you have to make choices, and those are facts that you cannot change. What is important is that at the end of the day, you don’t feel any regret for all the things that you did – intentionally or unintentionally. You might not want to admit this but, for that moment in your life, you felt high, you felt alive, you felt happy, you felt real, you felt wanted, and you felt loved.

If by any chance, you would want to make a rewind of every little memory just because you feel like it deserves a proper conclusion, don’t. It is a terrible idea; it may even be the worst thing that you would ever do to yourself, to your life. Because in life, there are no rewinds and there are no playbacks. We just have to move forward, forget a little maybe and learn to forgive, most especially if it’s yourself that you would want to forgive.

All the best,
Your own self

A night pure of solace and grace
Scattered smokes from  cigarettes and ****
Love that has been rekindled
Casted spells of forever

The nightmares from the past has been erased
Hoping for a dazzling tomorrow
Though we know it still stings a little
Forgiveness is the only cure from the horror

And tonight as we sit across the wooden bar table
Savouring every moment the present has to offer
With your hand on my chest and my heart on your lips
I will kiss all the pain away, for now until the dawn’s abyss

I started to question myself
Of whether I was capable of loving
The fact that I cannot puke a decent amount of emotions scared me
I wasn't me anymore

I had a hard time dealing with reciprocation
I lacked empathy
I wasn't me anymore

I doubted the people who showed me sincerity
I never wanted their affection
And eventually, I started pushing people away
I wasn't me anymore

The thing is, I wasn't meant to be pursued
I was used to being the one who cared more
But I hope that one day I will be inlove again
But it feels like I can't
Because I am not me anymore

Twilight memories of my past
I swiftly evoke in my mind
Lost souls and broken hearts
Shattered dreams and endless frights
I was awakened from a deep nightmarish
My wits suddenly felt sober yet nourished
Insanity and lunacy
Please save me from this conspiracy

I tried to forget you
I swear I did
But those memories just kept on coming back

I tried to unlove you
I swear I did
But I just can't, for now I can't

I tried to forgive myself for hurting you
I swear I did
But you deserved it honey, you deserved all of it

You can't escape me
I will be a lasting memory
that will linger in your mind and soul and body

You can't escape me
I will forever be in your nightmares
I will watch you as you sleep

You can't escape me
I am the horrific past that you'd wish to forget
But you can't escape me, you just can't

I lied
I lied when I told you that you were beautiful
I lied when I told you that I will always stick around
I lied when I told you that I want you in my life
I lied when I told you that everything is going to be alright
I lied when I told you I love you
I lied when I told you that i loved the way you ****** me and that it was wild
I lied when I told you that I will never lie to you
How can you even trust me?
Darling, I don't even have have a heart

These glorious days i wish not to forget
These days of only you and me
The way you look at me
The way you talk to me
The way you hug me
The way you kiss me
The way you touch me
The way you **** me

These days, these glorious days
I would want to repeat over and over again
Like a broken record player
As broken as our souls
Let us play with our naked silhouettes
Keep the fire of this thing that we have
Before everything turns into ashes, even our hidden bones

You have lost your effect on me
I no longer get sad or lonely whenever my phone rings and your name is not the one on the screen

You have lost your effect on me
I no longer long for your hugs and kisses
I no longer crave for your touch that cradles me to sleep

You have lost your effect on me
And i have lost my effect on you too
Let's keep the switch off
Because I no longer want to be the one who rescues you

Your presence consumes me
You electrify my body
You have awaken my soul

Let my eyes scan what's beneath that smile
Give me permission to take your breath away just like the way you took mine
Spare me a little of your love and whisper to me your desires

I want to taste your lips
I want to be buried inside your very being
Before I crush you in to a million tiny pieces just like what you did to me, darling

When I see you walk, I imagine you as my bride
Walking towards me, towards a future that is awesome
I would not want this to stay as just a dream
But I am afraid that it is far from happening
Because I don't exist
Well not in your lifetime atleast
I am just the imaginary guy you made when you were eleven or twelve

But if by any chances
In your lifetime, i did exist
I will find you
I will be madly inlove with you
And I promise that I will never leave you

Touching her skin is not the same anymore
And her kisses did not mean anything at all

The connection has died
I can still recall how it was a year ago
How happy and crazy we were before
I remember the look in your eyes

The connection has died
Tears fell as the months passed
You looked at me different now
And It seems like the love is gone

The connection has died
Can we ever save what's left for us?
Do you think we can relive the past?
Can you still love after everything that was?

The pain is creeping up again
I cannot control it
I don’t want to live with it

The pain is creeping up again
How do I stop my heart from beating?
How do I stop this longing?

The pain is creeping up again
It breaks my bones
It breaks my soul

Pull me closer
Reach deeper
Don't scream
Just breathe

Touch my soul
Find my bones
Kiss my tears
Hide my fears

Dance with me
Dream with me
Come fly with me
Love me

I crave for your flesh
I crave for your scent
I crave for the warmth of your body

I want to feel you
I want to taste your soul
I want you to taste mine too

Let me hold you
Let me kiss you
Let me love you

Close your eyes
Don't feel the pain
You have no right
You cannot win this fight
Burn those eyes
Don't drown yourself in misery
Don't cry
*******, don't you dare cry

You are back
For reasons that I would not want to know
Just keep it steady and slow
I don't want my heart to be broken once more

“Stop, please stop”
She begged as she cried hard and loud
“Let me be and let me go”
You slapped her mouth and strangled her

You have turned into the monster
From the stories your friends once told you
Who are you?
I don’t think that I still know you

Bruises and scratch marks
Evidence of a painful night
All you wanted was for her to understand
That she's wrong and you're right

You have settled on letting her go
“Please don’t leave me, don’t go”
Her cries were louder than before
You stayed, but knowing that you cannot love her anymore

I surrender
I have fallen on to the abyss once more
I tried to save myself from the melancholy
But I failed the moment you touched my soul

I have long waited for this time to come
Convincing myself that I could win the war
You tied me up and snatched my heart
You trapped me in your cellar of hopes

What catastrophe is this?
I grew weary, I remained dazed
Your beauty consumed my whole being
Your existence destroyed my daylight dreaming

You got her under your fingertips
She has unknowingly fallen head over heels
You wanted to know if the poems were for you
But you didn't have the courage to ask her though

You got her under your fingertips
Your heart is now in full bliss
Is the witch not good enough?
Or is there still something that you are longing for?

You got her under your fingertips
Why don't you just admit it?
Admit that she is far too much for you
Admit it, you just cant get her out if your system too

"I like you"
Those were the first 3 words that you told her
You were not even sure of what her reaction would be
But you told her anyway

"Can I keep you?"
Those were the 4 words that she told you during your sleep
She wasn't even sure if you heard it
But she honestly hoped you did

"This is all too soon"
Those were the 5 words that you told her during the argument
You were not even sure on how it started
But you just wanted to end it

"You confuse me"
Those were the last 3 words that you heard from her
You watched her walk away your life
But you were secretly hoping that she'd come back

shiny sparkles of fairy dust
twisted horrors of the past
take a peek through the stained glass
and listen to the lullaby of the lass
a heart that is shallow and frail
gossips of the nightingale
let’s look back on that one summer day
as we slowly turn around and say a prayer
kiss the jellos goodnight
paint the purple sky and run wild
close your eyes
and wave goodbye

Your battle scars defines who you are
Colorful and distinctly beautiful
Not like any other
Incomparable

You’ve witnessed restless nights
Those nights of pain and anguish
Partly memories of a distant past
That reminds you of an eternal sunshine

Clouds may be gray at night
Shadows may lurk from side to side
But remember that you are a beautiful scar

A scar that cannot be erased forever

Faded skies of grey and blue
Obliterated memories of me and you
Twenty one days of pain and pleasure
A rewind of the things that we cannot measure

Resisting the affection that you’ve been asking for
Slowly the tears fall down to my cheeks once more
How can you love the monster standing infront of your door
Are you even sure that you are capable of loving, at all?

You can cry but not for too long
Your heart has been broken once more
This is the price that you have to pay
For playing the game, you weren’t suppose to play

Bruises and scars
long roads that will take you far
the sound of your wheels
the sound of my heartbeat

as kids we'd play along
sticker tattoos of black and gold
silly jokes and odd fears
as hollow as your dreams

we grew older
knowing what the future would lead us through
you broke your heart and your bones
2 years past but it pains you more

if only you'd let her in
you would not hear her scream
you would not see the light
you would not see the light

climbing statues and failing to reach the peak
remembering old photos and sharing stories
flowers that change color at winter
your eyes sparkle like glitter

scribbled words and hanging statements
random thoughts and broken laments
shared sentiments and intense debates
hidden bruises and a blurry fate

forgotten sorrows and an ended agony
captivating smiles and hugs that meant something
new beginnings and mixed signals
a chase between a dream and something ideal