you make me so confused.
you yell at me to ask you whatever's bothering me
and i have to say "nothing"
and we both know it isn't "nothing"
because it's everything,
but how are you supposed to tell them "everything" is confusing?
i don't even know what to ask him.
and he tells me to spit it out
and i just swallow it
because is the conflict worth it?
he's like a mule
and i'm a mouse
and he can crush me with his hooves
and he always misunderstands me
so i leave for days
and come back when i'm dying,
in hopes that he'll bring me back to health
and he does
and he tells me he misses me
and then he disappears
and i'm too small for him to notice me until i'm being crushed.

During the winter, I never would have thought you would be gone by the time the leaves grew back on the trees.
Today i walked to our favorite spot.
It was still so innocent, like us when we were there.
Brand new and untouched by each other.
That was over two years ago.
And i swear to god, I could have built a house right on top
of that bench we sat on, on that second date in the middle of the woods, and live there forever.

The worst thing I ever did to myself
was let a man control me.
I let him decide my worth
I always waited for his permission
I lived in fear everyday.
I let him threaten to leave me
I let him threaten to hit me
I let him take my life
as if it was his.
Nothing but a puppet on strings.
To this day I still feel fear when I
know I shouldn't.
He made everything feel wrong.
He made me feel like a prisoner.
I'm still trying to get used to being
my own person.
When I do things he didn't like
I have to remind myself that it's
okay. That he can't threaten me
anymore.
Like I think he's going to show up
and tell me how
stupid
i am.
tell me how
worthless
i am.
Tell me I'm nothing
but a burden to my parents
and everyone around me.
He would tell me all my friends hated me
He ruined me.
But ******* am I trying.

Some days like today, 
I can’t help but wonder about my future.

Like, will I be married?
And if so, what’s he like?
Is he the type to let me take charge,
when it comes to designing our humble abode?
Or will he mind a little glitter and gold?
If I painted our bedroom walls black,
would he think I’ve gone mad?
And if I painted it bright pink,
will he not sleep in?

Some days like today,
I can’t help but wonder about my future.

Will my spouse be bitter,
if I’m just slightly better at building an IKEA furniture?
When there’s nothing good on TV,
will we spend the whole day doing nothing?
And if I ever published anything on paper in ink,
would he find it an enjoyable reading?

Some days like today,
I can't help but wonder about my future.

Will my hubby be a stern father,
to our beautiful sons and precious daughters?
Or will he be every possible fictional character,
to keep them company and ward off the monsters they read about,
in every piece of literature?
Will our children call him papa or daddy,
and I, mama or mommy?

Some days like today,
I can't help but wonder about my future.

Will our house be by the sea,
or tucked away in the hustle and bustle of the city?
Will I be a domestic goddess,
while he braves the brand new world like an amazing superhero?
And if things get tough,
will we both raise our hands in defeat or rough it out,
like how we would teach our kids?

Some days like today,
I can't help but wonder about my future.

But then I remember that present isn't all that bad either,
and come what may,
be there him or no one at all,
I'll be happy either way.

@byizn

I didn't miss you right away.
After you left i was sad, yes,
but i knew i didn't miss you.
I was thinking positively about the future
and after how bad you ruined me
i thought there was no way i could miss you.
I was wrong.
About two weeks after you left
you never called
you never texted.
I think i expected one of them
and i clung to that,
so thats why i didn't miss you.
But now that i haven't heard from you
i know its real.
You're gone.
And **** do i miss you.
I miss your smell
I miss the way you would rub
my neck when
we were in the car.
And i hope you found someone
to reassure you about your insecurities,
because i know your OCD would always
get to you.
And when you left i asked you
who was going to tell you
your glasses weren't crooked after
you asked for the millionth time.
I told you that you wouldn't have anyone to
hold at 3am to keep you warm.
It's been 12 days since the last time you
held me.
I feel really lost right now because i miss you,
but i know time heals all wounds.
Hopefully one day when I'm driving
through a pretty town
while the sun goes down
i won't think of you.

you had me in large chunks
and at some points, you had me whole
i had you in crumbs
and at some points, i had you in pieces and it wasn't fair
that's part of why i had to run away
you knew me too well and all i knew of you were the tiny, sad parts
but eventually i realized that she probably knew these parts, too
and i didn't feel like i knew you at all anymore
and still, i wonder
do they know what i know?
do they know about the bullets you held so close to your skull?
or about the xanax you would lay on your tongue when the sky was starry and your blankets were wrapped around your shaking body?
or about how you are so scared of people being behind you that you shake like a puppy and sweat beads up on your freckled neck?
does she know that?
will she?

You're not real
I'm not here
We both disappear

i wish i knew if what you said was true
and i wish that you would fight for me
but you can't even fight for yourself
you tell me to stop when i'm drinking
that it's bad
and that i'll die young
but i think you're always forgetting that i don't care
i'll sleep forever one day,
with my muscles lax and my bones weightless,
and i'll evaporate into the soil
and nourish the worms and the weeds
i hope that when i'm gone
you won't mind too much
and hopefully i'll leave you a gift
because i don't want to disappear
worth nothing to you

You took my breath away
You made my heart race so fast I thought it might stop
I told myself I didn't want to love anyone
I had seen what love can do
But your beautiful brown eyes drew me in
Your sweet words blinded me from your real intentions
The first time you touched me you turned me into your slave
People had only ever touched me out of hate
But you were showing me tender love
I trusted you, loved you, wanted you
But something changed
Of course life could never be perfect
You were angry with me all the time
Why could I never make you happy?
I wanted to give the world to you
To show you how much I adored you
But you closed yourself off from me all the time
I tried not to worry, not to suspect you of devious actions
But I think I knew who you truly were all along
But you always came back and so did I
I tried to please you by not stopping you when your hand slipped between my legs that night
Even though you knew I didn't want it
That was the first night you bit me
Said it turned you on
Though I never told you, it turned me on too
But you always went too far
Pushing me to places I never wanted to go, wasn't ready to go
If I told you to stop, you left bruises on my skin
No one should tell you what to do and I had to learn my lesson, didn't I?
You never apologized when you let your anger get the best of you
Never even held me while I cried
So why did I go back?
Why did I always forgive you?
Why did you let me?
How could you hurt an innocent girl who was too young to understand how you were deceiving her?
Nevertheless, you eventually gave up on me
I wanted to hate you but still I couldn't
You came back to explain yourself
Told me you no longer loved me like you used to
You told me things could never be the same
But what even went wrong?
You couldn't even tell me
You made your best friend do it
Turns out we were living a lie
There was a bet between you and your friends and I was a part of it
Who would lose their virginity first?
Definitely not you because we never went that far
But somehow you did win
Multiple times
With multiple different girls
Did they love you too?
Did they give you everything you had hoped for?
Everything I couldn't give you?