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I don’t think about where you might be anymore

I don’t think about who you might be with

I don’t know you

You don’t know me

We were young

We didn’t know any better

I thought the sun would never rise again

When you left

But it did

And I grew

And so did you
I wish I could record
Every word you spoke to me
Every glance you took at me
And rewatch it over and over
Just to feel the
The butterflies in my stomach
The redness in my cheeks
The smile on my face that wouldn’t leave
I wanted to replay you
Over and over
I wanted to write a 12 page essay
On the way your hands moved when you spoke
And how you would brush your body
Up against mine
Even though you knew
You weren’t not suppose to.
I want to meet you for the first time
A million times
I want to watch you
For the rest of my days
And pray to god this feeling never
Goes away.
I’ve been begging life for years
To be kinder
Softer
And when it’s not
I stop and think what did I do
Wrong?
I was the problem the whole time.
I was not kind
I was not soft
I had walls built hundreds
Of feet high.
I had thorns sticking out if every
Crevice.
How could I ask something to
Be kind
When I couldn’t practice it myself?
I asked the universe to take these
Tall walls
And thick thorns
Away.
I said
“If you won’t give me kindness, I’ll give it to you. I will be soft. I will be forgiving. I will think before I speak. I will be better.”

So life was finally calm. Soft. Kind. And so was I.
We are better in groups

Two people is better than one

Three better than two

We are made to believe that we are not enough alone.

But I've come to learn

The scariest thing I can do to anyone

Is learn to live with myself

And only Myself.
I could write a book
With 1,000 pages
And I still wouldn’t be able
To properly describe how I feel
How I felt
About you.
How many days
How many nights
How many mornings
I woke up with you
Thinking I would have
forever
But you’re going to
Spend your forever with
Someone else.
Which is fine
I knew we weren’t meant to last forever
Maybe in a different life
A different universe.
I still think about the cool
Spring breeze rolling through
Your bedroom window the first
Time I came over
And how I couldn’t believe
I was so comfortable
That I could fall asleep in your bed
And sometimes I smell your cologne on
A random person
And think to myself
“What if it had worked out”

But I know this is for the best
And I hope you’re happy.
I can’t help but wonder
If I’m going to have to live the rest of my life
Knowing every atom in my body longs for you.
I’m sorry for what I say when I’m upset
I’m not like this
I’m suppose to be patient
I’m suppose to be smart
I’m embarrassed that I’m so worked up
I’m not crazy
I swear
I don’t know where this all came from
Wise beyond my years
This isn’t how I’m suppose to act
I’m sorry I’m so upset
You’re in my dreams
You’re written all over my face
Branded into my lungs
I can’t breathe without tasting smoke
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