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I carry my father’s secrets
Like 1000 pound weights
On each shoulder
Every day.
She mean't that much to you

Even though you spent months

years

convincing me it was nothing.

I was stupid to think that maybe for once

just once

I would come first.

Because I'm different right?

Or were you always seeing her eyes

every time you looked into mine?
It took a week.
One week of built up
emotion over the last
22 years for me to lose
myself.
Panic attacks twice a day
everyday.
Doctors visits
everyday
the last few days.
Am I having a heart attack?
Do I have cancer?
Am I dying?
Why are my arms tingling?
Me and google
were never that great
for each other anyway.
One prescription
of Prozac
and Klonopin later
I hope I can get back to
myself again
soon.
you ruined me and you didn’t even know it
because you didn’t even know my name
but it was your smile
it was the brightest smile
i have seen in awhile.
i’ve been in the dark lately
so when your face lit up the room
i became attached
like a moth
to a fire
my lungs are screaming
heart is longing
always longing
for somewhere i’ve never
even been.
longing for somewhere that
may not even exist
but i can smell it
i can feel it
i can put myself there
and for a moment i feel the calm
the space
and the peace
i’ve needed
for what feels like forever.
At 10 years old
my little cousin
had everything going for him
he excelled at sports
at school
at life

and at 14
he got restrained
tranquilized

because of a little bit of Xanax
and a little bit of anger

because he was a product
of what his parents made

because our parents
forgot how
to raise their kids.
When you chose the other women
over your wife
son
and daughter
did you feel it at all?
We wanted to save you from your disease
and they wanted to fuel it
with every shot they poured down your throat.
Did they know how sad we all were?
Did they know we begged you to stop?
Was it worth not only killing yourself
but killing all of us with you?
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