i have struggled to make decisions
all my life
so they’ve always been made for me
what i wear
what haircut i have
what i eat
indecisiveness has always been
my worst enemy
but i chose you
and that’s the only choice
that i am sure of
the decision was mine
nobody made it for me
i own it.

sometimes
the person who you'd do anything for
who you feel that you can't breathe without
who you love so deeply
is the worst thing for you

you can be in love with someone
but that doesn't mean you're good for each other
but it's because you love each other
that you can't go on.

heartbreak doesn't have to look like it does in movies
it can be quiet
even silent

it can be all on the inside
with smiles and laughter
covering up the aching in your chest
and the sound of your ribs crushing
when you know that it's over

don't let anyone let you feel inadequate
or make you feel that
your feelings aren't valid

i promise you
they are

let them out
feel them freely
heal
and become the best person you can be.

love comes
in all shapes and sizes
and comes in all forms

whether it be
a friend
family
or even a lover

but the same love
never comes twice.

i feel like
a black hole

always spaced out
and soaking everything up
just to put it
into a circle of nothing
but no matter what
it can't ever escape

and neither can i.

i almost died today
i was pulling out of school
i looked to my right
looked to my left
to make sure it was clear
there was a few cars to the right
but i can make it, i have time
i start to go
and there's a car to my left
coming straight for me
i stomped on my breaks
but realized it was too late to stop
so i just went

multiple cars were coming at me
from both directions
and i just went
thinking
"yeah, i have time"

but that's what we all think
that we have all this time
until we don't

i almost died today
and i'm glad that i didn't.

i've had nightmares since i was young
ones where i'd wake up
sweating
crying
walking to my mom's room
so that i could sleep with her

when we'd wake up in the morning
if it was still bothering me
she'd make me write it down

she always told me
that things only go away
if they leave your head

but i've written your name
thousands of times
and yet
you've never left my mind

a lot of the time
i’m not even sure how i make people upset or angry
but i’m
**** good at it

my jaw clenches
with words i want to say
but i let them settle in the sides of my cheeks
and refrain from saying anything at all  

speaking
saying how you feel about a person
doesn’t help much
if anything
it only makes you feel worse

but you’ll soon learn
that even though it’s hard to pretend you’re okay when you really aren’t

that with time
it gets easier.

you and me
underneath my grey duvet
covered with only white t-shirts
and mischief

listening to 90s music
and laughing at the lyrics

kissing when the next song comes on
holding each other tightly
as if one of us will
dissintegrate
at any moment

you and me
at the beach
right on the shoreline
where the water meets the sand

kicking off our shoes
and jumping right in
it's ice cold
but you make me feel warm

you and me
fighting about god knows what
yelling things we don't mean
and going to sleep without saying i love you

getting distant
ignoring phone calls
just to avoid arguments
going to the beach
but not with each other

listening to 90s music
but not hearing the lyrics

sleeping in the same bed
but on opposite sides

now there's a you
but it doesn't include me.

my mother told me i was supposed to be born in late june
but i wasn't born until the first week of july
"you jus' didn't wanna come out"
she always tells me
and laughs
it turns out she was right
i never wanted to be
under those fluorescent lights
in the hospital
hearing chatter of doctors
and the beeping of machines
because i probably knew that one day i would be there again
but for the complete opposite reason
that i already was

when i was 7 i cracked my head open with glass
and blood covered my head
i didn't go to the hospital
i didn't even tell anyone

i never saw the glass really coming
it happened in just a split second
i hardly even felt it
it stung
but i was too worried about the glass
and how i was going to clean it
before my parents came home
my mom always liked to keep her house clean
so i had to pick it up

when i was 13
my best friend had her first heartbreak
i was doing homework
because i was so behind
but she called me crying
and asked if she could come over
i held her for two hours
while she sobbed into my sweatshirt
and when she left
i didn't even get a thank you

i try so hard to make everyone feel content and happy
then sit in my room
and wonder why i'm so sad
but it's because
all i do is bleed for people
and they never even hand me a bandaid

i got in line to get a coffee
and noticed a familiar set of strong shoulders
you turned around surprised
we had one of those
'i haven't seen you in forever'
type of looks
you asked me to sit with you
and before we knew it
we were talking how we used to
without even meaning to

you looked up from the table
and itched the back of your neck
just like you used to do
when you were nervous
"what happened to us? we had the kind of love that people made movies about."
i didn't know whether to laugh
or cry
"well you gave me the type of heartbreak that people write about."

i'm looking at you
after all of the damage has already been done
it's been months now
but i still can't manage to not look for you
in crowded rooms
i tell myself
you aren't mine
and i'm not yours
i am mine
and you are yours

i look at you and dare to utter
"i'm not yours anymore."
so you stifle a laugh and say
"you're always gonna be mine. at least a little bit."
i realized then
that was what i had been afraid of
the whole time
because i knew
you were right

last night
i woke up
drenched in sweat
from a nightmare i was having
usually when this happens
i cry and shake
in the ungodly hours of the night
until my body can't anymore
but this time
i woke up
in my best friends arms
and my heart rate instantly got slower
i felt my body untense
and sink into the mattress
and if that isn't what happiness feels like
i don't know what it is anymore

i got glasses in 6th grade
because i couldn't see the board
my mom took me to the eye doctor
he shook my hand and said
"your vision should get better
it's just you growing up"

i wore my glasses every day
and things stopped being such a blur
until 7th grade
when my vision got worse
i went back to the eye doctor
he shook my hand with his cold one
"your vision got a little worse, that's okay, nothing to worry about"
so i got different lenses
and a better prescription too
the board became clearer
and things were even less of a blur

i went back freshman year
because i wanted contacts
i was sure my vision changed again
maybe it got worse
the doctor shook my hand again
giving me goosebumps
"your vision hasn't changed"
i thought
how is that possible?
something has to have changed
it feels so different
but nothing did

during freshman year
is when i loved you
i loved you so much
that i ignored all the harsh words
and the way you'd make me feel small
i loved you so much
that i never saw the way you treated me
even when everyone else did

that's when i realized
even with contacts or glasses
some people still can't
see clearly

when a poet falls in love with you
you can never die
they will notice the way
you rub your palms and look down
when someone is angry at you
and the way you smirk
as you pull away from a kiss

they will notice how you can't sleep
without your body touching someone else's
how you never crease any pages of books
and how you close your eyes when you dance in your kitchen
with your record player on

they will find all of the words
that they see you as
and turn them into something beautiful

people say you die twice
once when you stop breathing
and when someone says your name
for the last time

if you fall in love with a poet
they will never stop
mentioning your name
you will be alive
for eternity

i'm at a party
there's people all around me
a girl is puking in the bathroom
and her boyfriend is rubbing her back
someone spilled something red on the floor
and a boy is passed out flat on his face

there's a group of people in another room
screaming and laughing
drinking concoctions that taste bitter and gross
just so they can feel something

ping pong ***** cover the floor and the music never stops playing
i'm sitting with a red solo cup in my right hand
i haven't spoken in hours
nobody has even noticed
i'm surrounded by teenagers
who are supposed to be my friends
but they're too busy slurring their speech and dancing
to notice that even in a room full of people
i am alone.

i was 7 when i learned
what a cemetery was
we were walking through
the number of headstones
with names and dates
written upon them

i asked my father
what this place was
he grabbed my hand
that felt so small in his
he looked down at me with his hazel eyes
and said
it's where people go
when their time with us is up

i looked around
at the dozens of stones
and asked
how many are there?
he said
i haven't counted
so i said
that
someone should

it's 12:13 A.M.
i'm sitting upright
in my bed
my fan is making the slightest buzzing noise
and yet
the silence is deafening

12:13 reminds me
of the time my best friend and i got into a fight
and she wouldn't even meet my eye
i opened my mouth so many times
but i never succeeded in saying
what i needed to
the silence
wrapped around my throat
and robbed me of all of my words

12:13
is like the time
my boyfriend told me
he would miss me
right after he said
he couldn't be with me anymore
i turned around and left
only when my words sunk into my toes
and the silence took over

12:13
reminds me of all the times
i should've said what i needed to
and how i shouldn't have
let the silence choke me
and take away all my words
when all i wanted to do
was say them

today you looked at me and told me
to fall out of love with you
you laughed
you said i couldn't do it
that i couldn't
look you in the eye
and tell you

so i looked right into your deep brown eyes
that held a mischievous glint
and said clearly
"i don't love you anymore."

you were in my dream
or more of a nightmare it seems
you stood there
with a sinister smile
and took a knife with a silver handle
and cut me
not just enough to break the skin
but to cut out parts of me
and hold them in your hands

you cut out my liver
and said i drank too much when you left
you cut out my lungs
because you said i can barley breathe
from how much i cry anyway
you cut out parts of my stomach
you said i never eat enough to fill it
you cut my heart out
and said you've seen too much of it

you dropped all of them to the floor
and they didn't even make a sound
you looked at me and laughed
and seemed almost proud

i stood there
nothing but bones and blood
looked at you
and said
"see what you've done?"

i told myself
that i'd never
do it again
yet here i am