Since the day you were born we knew you were perfect
Your eyes were bright blue and your hair wispy curls
We had guessed what you’d look like and then out you came
Our perfect baby exactly as planned.

Since the day you were born we knew you were perfect
And look at you now you’re incredibly bright
You work till exhaustion and that we admire
You’re seemingly perfect at all that you do

Since the day you were born we knew you were perfect
If only your brother would follow your lead
We just want him to have your motivation
How do you think we should help him succeed?

Since the day you were born we knew you were perfect
If only I had that body of yours
If only I had those arms and that stomach
But I could never be as perfect as you.

Since the day you were born we knew you were perfect
Why do you insist that you aren't my dear?
We all get upset but no you aren’t sick love
You are too perfect to hate yourself.

You are too perfect to see any faults
You are too perfect to cry to sleep.
Your life is perfect.
We knew you were perfect.
So be perfect for me dear, and go dry those eyes.

I once went to outer space
I thought it might be beautiful
I thought I might be part of it
But beauty is misleading.

He told me I was safe with him
He said my body was like the stars
And when you’re twelve and insecure
That’s all you want to hear.

Cautiously I trusted him
I stepped outside one toe at first,
I poked my nose just past the door
I grinned at the unknown –

At once
I gasped–
My lungs collapsed.
And body froze in fear and pain.
Lips pursed, he shoved me further out.
“More or else” he screamed.

I cried for Mom.
I begged for home,
My tears solid in the vacuumed space.
But I was told that mothers don’t
Want a child *****.

Throats hoarsen with daggered insults
A plea for control –
A threat of death–
A trust long frayed.

One arm reaches for the other
And uses it as a batting ram
A steady. beat.
Impounding on a vacuumed. chest.

And when hours pass
And scars are painted over
She provides flesh on a porcelain platter–
An apology for mistakes never made
She stares blankly beneath the sheets
And screams.
But hoarse throats make no sound.

Each unhappy in their own worlds
They were driven together.

Then desperate for each other
They clung to their unhappiness

But now apart they soar:

Their weightless bodies drift
And when they pass
These two old friends–
Ghosts locking eyes–
Glide without a smile.

First I fell for your eyes
With hazel specks and inviting guise
Then I fell for your laugh
Uneven and hearty and somewhat shy.

Soon I fell for your hands
Then your lips, your brain, and incredible drive—
Your truths, your dreams, your curious smile
Your biggest regrets and most convincing lies.

And now I’ve fallen for you.
And all at once it feels jeopardized—
I fear to confess
Those 3 little words that
Historically have been so weaponized.

my past self was afraid
that letting you go
meant letting go of
a piece of myself.

I wish I could tell her:
that is how you will
finally
Find Yourself.

Step by step she's trodden on
Her jeans are stained
Her blouse is torn.
Two toes edge the crumbling cliff
She turns behind–
But alas! She slips.

And down she plummets
Down, down she falls
Her eyes are dazed
Her lips forlorn.

But as she reaches
Not one yard saved
Strong talons grasp–

To home she’s dragged.

I never thought I could love
Anyone else.
But when I shiver
You make me warm.
You gently blow
On the dying ember
He left behind.

It wasn’t so much
Like falling
As it was being hit
By a fifty-ton train
That jolted me awake.

And when you least expect it,
My darling,
A wave will swell above you
As crests caress your arms
And bobbing
Serene–
You’ll float in
Endless bliss.

Two dancers entangled
Found themselves in flight
Magnets across hips
They collided in the night.

He lifted his hand and
She opposed open palm
Their breaths synchronized,
They shot off arm in arm

Their sways became one
Their footwork a mirror
But while chests warmed with passion,
Their minds became clearer.

Their smiles dissolved,
Though it might be perfection...
Alas they let go–
Each despised their reflection.

Guy One liked thick girls.
But I didn’t have curves so I started
Doing squats
Lunges
Barbells
When I would take a picture I would cringe
At the flatness of my ***
The thinness of my thighs
The sparseness of my arms.

Guy Two liked skinny girls.
And I had gained some weight so I started
Eating less
Running the treadmill
Pretending drinks were meals
I would stare at the toilet bowl and cringe
At the rolls in my stomach
The bulge above my jean hem
The loose skin below my chin.

I like strong girls
Who look in the mirror and smile
At their curves and dips
The stretch marks and bones
The freckles, the dark circles, the dry patches–

My body is a sanctuary
And if you don’t like it
Then *******.

He was never on time
And made poor excuses
Melodramatic
And made terrible jokes

He’d get carried away
*** wasn’t the greatest.
He had zero filter
Blamed others for mistakes

He never bought flowers
Never opened a door
He’d sweat profusely
And forget my requests.

And yet still I loved him
With his ****** quirks.
Imperfectly perfect,
Or simply– a ****?

We were once friends
But friends don’t devour each other’s hearts
And leave what’s left
In the sun
To burn.

I want to overflow with hatred
Spit it in your face;
Rip out your heart and place it
Dripping
Next to mine.

But I cave.
Isn’t it funny?
Even after all you’ve done,
I fear hating you the most.

Pierced
In my spine
By a thousand knives
I forgive you.

The thing about heartbreak
Is it stains
Each happy memory
With a dark smudge of irony.

They ask what I am
As if they could draw a map
On my skin
Paved by my color
My hair
And my name

But even I can’t trace the path.
I’m a mutt of people
Lost
In time
And yet I am here.
And I am human.
Is that not enough?

I could feel it coming
Like a bird can feel the pressure change
Just before a hurricane
And instinctively flies
Away.

But I flew to you.
I wanted to play god.
I clung to memories,
Clung to your flannel sleeves
Blindfolded myself with them
Dizzily,
I walked in circles.

You didn’t say anything
But I know you so well I could read
Every line—
Every crevice in your forehead
Another word.

My lips clung to yours
Begging them to smile.
My fingers danced on yours
Tightroping
One degree from tipping over.

You didn’t kiss back.
Your lips a marble statue,
My fingers fell off the wire.

You gazed through me like glass
And I knew it was
Our last.

He was my fire
Each pop and spark of his
Made me warmer.
I, a glowing ember–
Ages later still warm to the touch–
But to him
I was just smoke.

“What’s wrong?” you ask
But how do I explain an illness when you cant see the symptoms?
How do I say:
I have a headache caused by nothing that doesn’t fade
No matter how much water I gulp down,
A stomach that bubbles and boils with acidity
For no reason I can decipher other than fun;
My mind is in a constant war with my lungs
As if raising my hand to speak were the same as being
Chained to the ocean floor.
My eyes dart from space to space
As if some ghastly demon lies behind the shadows,
But everytime I check there is
Never
Anything
There.

So I close them.
I tell myself to breathe.
I try to regain my composure just long enough for no one to notice
And plaster on the smile that everyone else would like to see.
I lie to myself that if I pretend to be okay,
I will be.

“What’s wrong?”
You know, I’ve never been the crying type.
I was the kind of girl that would take an elbow to the nose and brush it off as a small bump.
I could scrape my knees on the pavement until they were raw and jump back up laughing
I could go the hospital and tell the doctor my pain was only a 7
When in fact my appendix was on the brim of bursting
And my only sensation was a burning nausea.

I told others to **** it up; to be strong;
To prove themselves more resilient than what people expected.

How then, did my laundry routine begin including the scrubbing of
Mascara stained pillowcases?
When did I suddenly switch from shaking off my pain to struggling not to
Bang my head
Against my bedroom wall until I bleed and
Give myself the coma I so wish I could be in.

“What’s wrong?”
You may only see a rhythmic tapping of my fingers but in reality
That tap tap tap tap tap
Is my SOS code.
My shaking leg resembling a nervous tic actually serves the purpose
Of releasing just enough energy so I dont go off the edge.
The sudden jerks of my head I laugh off are the physical proof
Of me trying to take off the thoughts that appear again and again
The voice that says:
“You are worthless.”
“Who could ever love you?”
“Don’t trust him”
“Don’t trust her”
Don’t trust yourself.

“What’s wrong?”
Its funny.
You may say it’s all in my head and ironically you’d be right,
But it’s not just in my head, it is my head.
This time the burning nausea is not something I can shake off.
I have an invisible snake suffocating my mind and body
Infecting me with a venom that
Finally makes me want to admit:
This is it!
This is the 10.

But how do I explain an illness when you can’t see the symptoms?

“What’s wrong?” you ask.
Nothing.