I don’t know why I miss you
It’s truly a mystery to me
But seeing your face,
Hearing your laugh,
Brought back some feelings anew.

When you told me you thought I was fine
That eventually I had no tears to shed
You didn’t know the pain I felt
In my heart and in my head.

And how could you know?
It’s not like you were there.
But every time I saw your face,
I was filled with despair.

You said, you thought I was happy,
That I was over you,
Done.
But that day you saw me smiling
At night all my feeling were piling
Up in my heart and it felt like I couldn’t...
Like I couldn’t even breath,
Laugh,
Sing.

And now I’m here,
Years later.
A new person,
A proud person.
And you...
More poised
Happy
Content.
But what’s funny is all the ways we stay the same.

I’m thankful for the time we spent
A chapter that finally feels closed.
You were once my moon
My stars.
And you still shine brightly
You’ll never completely fade,
But now our lives can see brighter days.

I’ll never forget the love we shared.
You were my first.
You taught me lessons,
And somehow you still do,
That I can use in my new adventures.
And though you may be gone,
Though we may not speak as much again
You will always
Forever
Perpetually
Be my friend.

Remember when your father left you?
Well, I sure do
Because it follows me around every day,
Especially times like these.
And no one understands how that can make you feel
When someone else leaves too.

You think to yourself,
“This is the person, this is who will stay,”
And even when things are going wrong,
Affecting you,
You still say,
“But this is a constant, and it is safe,
I want to stay.”

But some people aren’t ready,
And maybe some people don’t care.
Either way, they can go easily,
And eventually find some new pair.
But that desperation stays with you,
To feel safe and in a constant,
And so you go through a panic,
A frenzy,
That no one understands.

People will judge,
And say what they think,
But they will never understand,
The true feeling of being the daughter of an alcoholic.

Because if they did,
They would not pass judgment,
And, perhaps, would not even be pompous,
About how people “should” act,
Because there is no true way,
To get over being left.

And so today on this Father’s Day,
And week where many things have come to end,
Just remember to
Live and let live,
Listen and learn,
Let go and let God,
And most importantly,
Take things one day at a time.

A New Year comes with regret for the old
And in many ways,
I can see why.
Because most years call for the weather of tumultuous storms
Of fights, and heart ache,
Crying, and yelling.
And I'd be lying if I said
This horrendous omen didn't come true.
But I don't really focus on that much,
Because of you.

Though with pills and shrinks,
Managing was brought,
With you I found
That happiness could be caught
In each moment of shared glances
And short slow dances
Soft and slow connections of lips,
And skin being caressed with finger tips.

And though we've had our fair share,
Of letting the rough weather forecast in,
When the storm has past
There is no anxiety left behind,
Just relief and contentment left within.

And although the year calls for similar storms,
With you I'll stay inside,
Safe and warm.
And no hail can pierce through our skin that easily,
For catastrophes fear open doors,
And open hearts.

How do you know when you're in love?
Sometimes I cannot tell if it is just a phase,
Or the real thing.
And then I wonder,
Does love exist.

So let's look at the facts, shall we?
Right,
There really isn't any.
Love is supposed to be that fuzzy feeling inside,
The taste of a warm cookie,
The perfect last chord in a song,
But what is it really?

No one ever talks about the hard parts of love,
The little arguments,
The hard conversations.
No one talks about disagreements,
Or hurt feelings,
Is that how it can be?
Can there be a little bad,
With a lot of good?
Can all that make,
Love?

Maybe love is working through those things,
All the hard times,
But how do you know?
Maybe love is being afraid,
Not in the I'm scared for my life kind of way,
But in the afraid because maybe love hurts.
It hurts to be vulnerable,
And it hurts to let someone in.

And maybe the reason it is really terrifying,
Is because maybe you won't know what love is,
Until the end.
You have to live love,
And let love live,
In order to know what is.
And maybe that's why it's scary,
Because know one living has a clue.

Celestial beings stare down at us every night,
Some may say that they are nocturnal:
The stars.

As holy and magic as they are,
They have a lot of stress to hold,
Telling the future,
Controlling relationships,
Making us who we are.

So much responsibility,
For a tiny ray of light,
Visible only with clear skies.

Bodies of magic form together,
Stars are never alone,
Because they form a bond,
To form a story.

And sometimes they won't form the correct way,
Making it hard for a cancer one day,
But, hey, maybe that means it's an Aquarius' luck day.
Today my brother might find a soulmate,
And I might find a whole in my bank account.
This month will be good,
But watch out,
Hardships may be coming soon.

I wonder what the stars were thinking,
That chilly tenth month,
When a libra and a taurus came together.
Maybe I'll go back to check my horoscope.

I like to paint,
Now, let's be clear,
That does not mean I'm good at it,
It means I like it,
I like to paint.

Lines across a page,
Colors colliding together,
Forming something new,
And it's not perfect,
That's the point.

Because, when you paint,
It should be a perfect world,
No mistakes,
It's more comfortable to look at,
To be with,
But why create a farce?

People deserve to know the truth,
And sometimes the truth is crooked lines,
Blotted colors,
Irregular shapes,
That's the way it goes.

Life is all these cringes,
All the tears that make paint into water colors,
All of the confusion,
Life is imperfect.

I like to paint,
And I suppose I am not too great
At making a perfect world,
But I'm **** good at making a real one.

Please do not cry,
Sweet prince,
Sweet babe.
I'll stay with you tonight,
'Till there's light in your sky

I'm bad with second chances,
I'll be the first to admit,
But I think it may be fit
To forgive someone for their mistaken romances.

We are all children after all
At least in the heart,
So perhaps I shouldn't let this friendship fall,
The relationship might not be all whole, but at least part.

So, even though I may be confused,
As to how this mistake could have been performed,
This should not be used,
As means to wish this friendship was never formed.

Please earn back my trust,
And make my past anger unjust.

Anger is bubbling up through my veins.
How could you do this to a friend?
You careless,
Unthoughtful person.
You were trusted,
You had one goal,
To be a good person,
To be a good friend.
And I'm so angry and disappointed.

How did you sleep that night,
When you stole a kiss,
From the girl he desired.
How did you face him the next day,
Like nothing even happened.
Do you even give a ****,
About what you have done?

I can't look at you,
I can't speak to you,
I can't even think of you,
It would be bad for my health.

Rain drips down my face,
I feel the cold drops,
Roll over my cheeks,
Each drop full of sorrow.

The sky is mourning,
Looking down on a people,
Destined for doom.

One drop for women,
Back to being inferior,
Because what is below the belt,
Means more than what is in the skull,
I guess no one looks at the interior,
All a woman is,
Is her body, right?
There to touch and grab,
And not put up a fight.

****** orientation should not be a reason to be wary,
But rights will get taken away,
Feelings zapped,
Prayed away,
People can't accept love,
And it's scary.

People of the minority,
Are scared to death.
People threatening their lives,
Having to watch their back,
Every
Single
Day.

Young children,
Looking up to a person,
Who tell them that hatred is okay.
What has the world come to.

I'm scared,
The world is crying for us,
Hopefully we are cleansed.

Mirror on the wall,
You frighten me.
Waking up in the morning,
And seeing you there,
Tall, long, and slender,
Almost mocking me.

I start at my face,
A round and puffy base,
Wishing for a piercing and cutting jawline,
Cheekbones that could ****,
But my mirror image stares back at me,
Knowing I'll never know such a thrill.

When I start to look down,
At the person staring back at me,
I see the stomach,
A flap of fat,
No definition of any sort,
More so the lack of.
Parts of fat bulge over blue jeans,
With one 360 alone,
The "love" handles are evident,
But I do not love them,
Quite the opposite,
For every inch,
Every centimeter of over flow,
Is another reason to hate myself.

Legs and arms,
Containing not veins of muscles,
But vein looking lines,
Stretching across skin,
Reminding me of ways I could've been,
Thin,
Toned,
Without lines,
But I can't be that way.

Wretched mirror,
Why must you be this way,
You show the skin,
But not the story,
And sometimes you simply are,
What my brain thinks I should see,
Worthless.

And sometimes the story breaks through,
Of puffy cheeks lighting up from a smile,
And legs large,
From the years of running,
And the stomach,
Stretched and shrunk from your years of,
Binging,
Starving,
Repeat.

An altered sense of self,
Shown by you.
My enemy the mirror.
You block my way out the door,
I break my way through false images,
To see another day.

Someone walks around with me,
A blue little monster,
With grubby little hands,
Fur is all tangled,
Mangled and raw.
That's sadness,
The worst someone of them all.

You see sadness walks around with me,
And reminds me of my fears,
Tells me people will leave,
Without one single care.
They say "it's happened before,
Why not now?"
And I can't really say anything,
All I do is frown.

Sometimes something happens,
And someone wants to leave,
And sadness starts laughing,
Hoping I'll start to believe
When things seem like they're going right,
I probably could be wrong,
And maybe I should just give up,
Before more of my heart is torn
By sadness' grubby fingers,
Scratching and prying away,
Cackling like a hyena,
And I just sit in pain.

I know you didn't mean to hurt me,
But it doesn't mean I won't cry.
My stomach has an empty pit,
And my mind is like a prune,
My heart may not be mangled,
But there are tears
That won't go away too soon.
So forgive me for my frowns,
And the occasional tears,
It's just that my monster made me believe,
In all my horrible fears.

Wintry winds wisp through the air,
The chilling feeling is upon us.
Leaves crinkle and crackle,
Hardened by the cold.

Layers upon layers,
Bundling in seas of blankets,
Steam from a cup of tea warming the face,
A comforting book on the bed-side table.

Cuddles and hugs,
Butterfly kisses,
and a warm embrace,
Brings a smile to my face.

Clearer night air,
Means that stars easier appear,
The moon shines brighter,
Everything slightly more calm.

So I'd like to say thank you to the weather,
For bringing the season that is better.

The hardest part of getting out of bed in the morning?
Knowing that I’m going to have to look at myself in the mirror.
My brain tries sending me a warning,
“Don’t let yourself endure this terror.

I can’t go a day without a morning run,
Because how can people see me if I don’t look my best?
I try to pretend that it is somewhat fun,
But I know, deep in my heart, I would prefer rest.

However, there are people who keep me grounded,
And remind be that there is more to life,
Than to be pounded,
By my own insecurities and strife,
So I’ll try my best to love myself,
And, when I wake up in the morning, try to leave my sorrows on the shelf.

Sweet melodious dreams fill my head,
Dreams of sugarplums and fairies,
Everything is calm and wonderful.
I am in bliss,
Just as I should be.

“HEY YOU,
What do you think you’re doing?
How can you be relaxing in a time like this?
Look at the mess around you,
The mess YOU created!
You don’t deserve to be in bliss.

There are papers due tomorrow,
Arguments to be had.
And hey didn’t you eat a lot tonight?
Maybe a run is in order,
Not a side of fries.
And my god, everything you say is embarrassing,
Shouldn’t you be trying to fix that?
CAN YOU HEAR ME?”

Nothing.
That’s when nothing hits.
The sugarplums go away,
And so does the person in my head,
But that doesn’t necessarily mean that things are good.

Emptiness.
The scariest feeling in the world,
Because it reminds you that you are nothing,
Meaningless,
Worthless.
You can’t breathe,
You can’t speak,
You can’t feel,
You can’t see,
Because there is just,
Nothing.

Panic.
That’s when fight or flight kicks in,
And more often than not I choose flight,
Because my mental strength is lacking,
And I am unable to deal with the pit in my stomach,
And the meaninglessness in my heart.

Sobs fill the darkened room,
Except no one can hear me,
I am alone,
And the walls are closing in,
I feel as though I’m dying,
But since no one around chooses to hear my pain during the day,
Am I really making a sound?
Or are you in a constant state of just,
Panic.

Eventually, I become exhausted from my own emotions,
Crying myself asleep I finally can get peace,
And I wake up in the morning to sunshine and roses,
But I still can’t see them.
I may be awake but my heart really isn’t.
I can walk around and laugh with friends,
But really I’m just waiting my impending doom,
When night starts again.

Sleepy eye lids attempt to close,
For a long night's rest.
But how can I sleep,
While with someone like you?

Dad yells, and mom cries,
I'm too young to know why,
But like the sneak that I am,
I slyly slide against the cold white wall,
Trying to listen,
What is going on?
Why does this happen?

Alcohol.
The devil's drink,
At least that's what I've grown to think,
Because when I see alcohol,
I see a man with brown hair,
And a mole places on his cheek,
Drowning himself in the yellow colored elixir,
Stumbling around and breaking objects,
Breaking families,
Breaking a little girl's hearth who just wants a dad.

That sacred poison flooding the body,
Bubbling up ideas of bad decisions.
So many women,
He entered and exited,
Homes,
People,
Lives.
And I am scared,
Because I don't want to be the same.

I don't want to be limited by addiction,
I don't want to ruin families,
I don't want to be abusive.
And I know that I'm not that person,
I am not him,
But every time I see alcohol I think,
What if?

And so I push people away,
And I have trouble trusting,
Because if one drink,
Can transform someone who is supposed to be
A father,
A dad,
Then who's to say it won't happen to another?
I want to lock myself away,
And scream
"LEAVE ME ALONE."

But maybe not everyone is going to hurt me,
And maybe alcohol isn't completely "bad."
Maybe a few happy things have happened,
As a result of letting this liquid,
Slowly enter my life.
Seeing friends be responsible,
But also somewhat silly.
Sharing snacks and music at 3am,
Accompanying bitter bubbles,
With the sugary ones of a soda.

I'm still scared,
And I don't think I'll ever be,
"Normal,"
But at least now I have people,
Who make things, well -
Not so bad.

I am not a poet,
Because I don't write with a certain finesse.
I don't have a rhyme scheme,
Meter,
or structure.
I am not a poet.

But, I want to be.
I wish master rhymes came to me in dreams,
And meter could be kept,
With the time my pencil hits the paper,
I want my structure to be relevant,
Not just meaningless lines.

So, am I just a writer?
Is this just a journal?
I'm not really sure,
All I know is that when lead touches my paper,
I feel bliss.

And so no, I am not a poet,
I am a human,
With demons in my head,
That need to be released.

A dry desert feeling creeps up my throat
I can almost feel the bright,
Red color lining the soft tissue.
Body aches starting at all twenty digits,
Eventually make their way throughout the body.
Sickness.

To some an excuse for rest,
"So why does sickness make me so upset?"
I try to scream,
But, alas, my voice is lost.

Ah, the voice,
What a silly instrument,
"Silly how," you may ask.
Well, it's weak.

Why can't my two ***** of vibrating tissue,
Stay healthy?
I need to use those stubborn chords,
My voice should not be diminished,
It should be strong.
This is a major problem,
That, to others, may seem minor.

Sing the notes,
Finish the chord,
Don't be flat,
That doesn't mean go sharp.
ENOUGH!
I can't even sing.

Unable to participate in a pleasurable passion,
All because of a
****
Weak
Immune System.

They ask me,
“Why do you like fall?
That is when everything begins to die,
It’s a bit tragic, don’t you think?”
But I think it’s kind of beautiful.

The thing about dying is it gives chance for new life,
It is a fresh start.
And so as each leave freely falls,
Floating ever so gracefully towards the ground,
It knows that it is giving space for something new to be created.

And no, we should not forget those leaves,
And I believe that is why they linger,
Because it is okay to mourn the past,
But soon the great wind will pass through the land,
And carry old souls to their new location.

It will be dark,
And even dead for a small bit of time,
But soon, those new beginnings,
Those little buds of life will come sprouting out,
Just when we feel as though we should give up,
Throw in the towel, one might say,
And they will bring hope.

And so, when I think of fall, I think about haircuts,
I think about cutting away the past,
And watching each hair strand float towards the ground.
When I think of fall, I think of a new season,
A chance to try something new,
Perhaps, something I was too afraid to do before.
And when I think of fall, I think of him.

You see, sometimes I do feel sad,
I feel sorry for the leaves,
When their fresh and tight texture becomes wrinkled and old,
I feel bad when they start to lose their bright color,
To something more dull.
When the leaves begin to plummet,
I occasionally want to reach out,
And place it gently back on to its branch,
So that it can stay forever,
Because adventures,
And new lives are scary.

When long strands of hair begin to hit wooden floor,
I fear that I will miss the way things used to be.
New seasons are terrifying,
And hard to adjust to.
So much so that I feel an itch in my throat,
And water building up in my eyes,
That reminds me,
Tells me,
That something new is coming.

And sometimes I fear that I left something safe,
That maybe it would have been easier,
More convenient,
To have stayed.
But the problem with that is I wouldn’t have him.
Because yes, it was frightening to leave,
Especially leave something that had lasted for so long,
But sometimes something cannot last through all of the seasons,
A leaf may look healthy,
And wonderful,
All throughout the spring and summer,
But sometimes true colors begin to show when autumn hits.
And I do not want a leaf,
I want a tree.
Because although the leaves may not last,
A tress always stays.

A leaf is a personality,
But a tree,
A tree is a foundation that can be shaped,
And molded throughout time.
Different leaves will come and go,
But the strong bark stays steady,
Through wind,
Rain,
And snow.
And will gain new insight as spring begins to near.

And I hope that I have found my tree,
Because you, my dear,
Seem as though you will stay.
You are my fresh start,
Better than any haircut, or new season.
I hope that our roots stay strong,
‘Though leaves may fall.
We stand tall,
And hopefully
Together.

It's interesting how a day can so quickly be ruined.
One second,
Fine.
But the next second,
BING,
And it's you.

Blood begins to boil because there are two reasons for your notification.
One,
You're lonely.
Two,
You're trying to convince me that I was wrong.

Funny how when someone is gone,
That is when you are willing to change.
All the things you did,
All the horrible ideas you believed,
Convinced yourself to be true,
Never listening to a single word,
Not one single syllable,
That exited my lips,
Because you were so dogmatic.

But now,
Oh now that I'm gone,
You want to hear my side.
Again?
Why is it better now than it was before?
You say you want to change,
Yet you're still the same,
Just in different ways.

Selfishness is running through your veins,
You only cared about me two times.
One,
When I was leaving the state,
Two,
When I was leaving your life.

Sorry, but I'm not going to drink from your fountain,
Your fountain of,
Guilt,
Regret,
Worthlessness,
Because guess what?
Maybe now I'm resolute,
And I have my own doctrine I follow,
And this is how it goes.

Rule number one,
I will be confident in myself,
I don't need you to tell me who to be,
Who to be friends with,
Or who respects me.
Rule number two,
I'm going to be free.
I'm going read what I want,
Write what I want,
Sing what I want,
Explore where I want,
Without the two voices telling me to stop:
The voice of doubt in my head,
And you.
Rule number three,
I will not waste my time.
I do not always need to explain myself.
Sometimes people need to accept,
That I know what will make me happy,
And just because it isn't the same for you,
Does not mean that it isn't valid.
Rule number four,
I'm going to be happy.
And I'm not saying I wasn't happy before,
But I can always strive for more.

I'm sorry that things are not the same,
I'll still be a friend,
Just not your slave.
When you're ready to accept this give me a call,
Until then though,
Please, just say nothing at all.

Lights twinkle across my face,
O, I love how those metal torched chambers shine,
That's a smile that's larger than the whole world.

...Large!
Large, silly hands with a strong grip,
And yet, they are so gentle,
Gliding gently across bare skin,
Sending signals that can tell the body,

"Relax"
Relaxing and soothing voice,
Who knew the most pompous vocal part could be...
So...
Bashful?
Or Beautiful?

Angelic!
Angels wrapped around your finger,
Is that how it works?
You are so pure,
Innocent,

Blessed!
I guess I'm pretty lucky,
Because I have someone full of warmth to, well -
Hug
Kiss
Smile at me.

And my goodness you may not be perfect,
But that's okay.
Just accept yourself,
Fully
Completely
Just smile,
And let the light that reflects off thin wires
Light up my face.

Please EVERYONE stop feeling for me,
I want to feel for myself.

I know you care and you want what is best for me,
But honestly I can hardly breathe,
With your hands on my shoulder,
Head next to head,
Whispering how I should live MY life?
I make my own decisions,
And frankly I make pretty **** good ones.
So LEAVE ME ALONE!

Stop being offended for me.
I actually am quite strong,
And despite my lack in confidence,
I'm not too blind to see
When someone is just joking around with me.
So before you get moody please talk to me first,
I'm sure it will be better than bottling it up.

Stop soothing things that don't need to be,
If I need your opinion I'll ask.
Just because you need to fix yourself,
Does NOT mean that you have to drag me down,
Right next to you,
Especially when I'm already,
Barely,
Staying above water.
It seems like every time I can maybe breathe,
Someone just wants to rip that away from me.

I know you care,
I know you want to make sure I'm okay,
But sometimes it makes me worse.
And I'm sorry for every lashing out,
I guess I have things to work on too.
Maybe if we can all just talk things out,
We wouldn't all feel so blue.
Let'a start over, can we please?
My name is Morgan,
Sometimes I need help,
And I'll let you know when that will be.
Just be here when I need you,
And I'll do the same.
We can use each other's shoulders to cry on,
Just as long as we're not casting pain

Why do we daydream?
Sometimes, I do not even know what a daydream is,
And it scares me.
It scares me because every year they increase.

It seems like there is always a reason to be unhappy now,
Because when I was a kid, I did not look out windows,
And dream of another world,
A better world.
When I was a kid I did not have to dream,
Perhaps because I did not live in fear.
I did not have to dream,
Because I did,
And I saw.

It seems like everyday I look outside
And I see visions of trees
And imagine the sun making rays across the sky,
Piercing through cracks in branches.
But I am just too **** busy to see,
That maybe, just maybe, it’s already in front of me.

I dream instead of trying,
I give up before I even begin.
I put myself in a world where everything is perfect,
Because I’m too scared to jump
To risk
To try

So I’ll stay here in my dream world, safe, and secure.
I will stay shielded from rejection or heartbreak.
So why do we daydream?
It’s easy.