I get this feeling
Like I am an Asian
In a Polish body

And I yearn
To be more Asian

^.^

If only
You could see
How happy you could be

If only
You could know
That at the end
There is hope

If only
You could feel the love
That we feel for you

If only
You were here
To see all these faces

If only
You saw
All the ones who miss you

If only
I could hold you again
For one last time

If only
I'd have been there
Moments before you died

If only
We could laugh again
I want to hear your voice

If only
We could be
The way we were before

If only
I didn't have to
Come to see your grave
I would much rather
Come to see your face

Sometimes I wonder:
If only
You were here
I would be whole again
And never let you disappear

Every one's around me
And my world is quickly fading

I'm on front stage
But in the background
As the music starts to clash
I don't understand
I can't figure out why
The melodies collide
In such an ugly way

Despite each chord or note I try
It all just seems wrong

So I looked out to the empty seats
There couldn't have been but ten people
They didn't seem to notice
That my life was clashing into my existence and they were like mindless puppets, just singing along

The piano holds its key
And it's just me
Its just me who ruined the melody
It's so simple to me
This should come so easily
Although I tried and tried to make things right, I couldn't figure out what's wrong inside of me
I've become my worst enemy

And when they asked me to sing
I was off in my own world
Everyone could hear the sound
Of a broken guitar
So that's when I stopped playing and let my voice take control
Their eyes were filled with wonder
As they touched a piece of my soul

It's so curious to me
Did I let them down?
It should have been obvious to me
But I just couldn't figure it out
So am I wrong?
Am I wrong?
Am I just asking to fall?

What comes easiest to me
Can feel like something like a dream




All that I've worked towards
To all that I aimed for
It all means nothing in the end

Did I lose focus?
Or did I stumble?
It means nothing in the end at all to me


My passion
My worry
My reason to give
Who I am upon a shining billboard
It's So easy for them to see
My reason
My talent
To see me fall after coming so far
I've made it so far
But it's only just a dream

They tell me
"You must be traumatized, honey"
"Are you sure you're okay?"
After what I've seen, most people
Go insane

Yet here I am
Living life normally
And I only feel bad
Because I'm feeling nothing

"You must be traumatized, honey"
Well, should I be?
After the burning bodies I've seen

"Are you sure you're okay?"
Why would I not be?
I'm just going through life
So casually

"You should seek help"
Who could even help?
"You're too young, those memories will ruin your mind and destroy your life"
But I'm doing just fine

I don't understand
I can't comprehend
Why everyone thinks
I should be so upset

It could have been me
It wasn't
And I'm glad

My heart aches
For his death
Not for seeing him die

I have no self pity
I have no problems
I'm letting go of
The things that should cause them

Corey is gone
He's not coming back
I know that he is dead

Somewhere

Deep

      Deep

Down

But I can't accept it yet
But I do accept what happened
And I don't let myself cry
Because my tears need not be shed
Because the pain, it wasn't mine

My body
Trembles
And my chest starts to ache
I don't know what to do
Or know what it will take
To break this cycle
To shake this pain
As the days slip me by
They feel a waste
Like I'm running in circles
And cannot find my way
My life is progressing
Yet something is missing
Inside of me
Something just doesn't
Feel right to me
I can't pinpoint this feeling I have
But I suffer the silence
As I slowly lose my head
I wish I could cry
To release the pressure inside me
To remove this emptiness that binds me
But I always end up
In the same dark place
Forever trying to find my way

I never understood
Why everyone tends to walk out on me
Of all life's lessons to teach
Why was this one so common?

My mom left the family
And took me away, without asking me if I would rather stay
My brother joined the army, we only spoke through letters
My father was alone with his heartbreak and I could not console him
My best friend went off to college and I couldn't join her because I didn't have the money to make my life better
My beloved aunt passed away, almost unexpectedly. I never had a chance to say goodbye. To tell her I loved her one last time
The tragedy struck
I've seen God take a life in front of my own eyes. A horrid accident that you only see in movies. A boy I grew up with and had known nearly my entire life.
A first love, torn from my arms and was forbade to see. This separation was equivalent to him dying to me
My dear friend moved away and became ill,  he was such a cheerful boy and died so very young.

All I am making is a point, you see
Of all life's lessons to teach
Why teach this one to me?
It's cruel and unfair
These things mess you up inside
After all the torture and torment
I began to lose my mind

Life, above all things
Taught me how to shut down
But the most important lesson it taught me:

Life taught me to be lonely

Innocence
It's nothing but illusion
Betrayal
Is all I've ever known
The pain subsides
Yet is ever-changing as the tide
It pulses and it dies down

Destruction
Is the product of these two hands
Loneliness
Is what always happens in the end
Nothing Alive
To stay and abide
The disappointment seems so unreal

Numb
From the trials I face
Bitter
From the illusions I make
Never would I feel again
Never would I let you in
To protect myself
From the same fate
Relived once more

Love is
Fair
Love is
Kind
Love is
Accepting
Love is
Blind
Love is
Forgiving
Love is
Making time
Love is
Selfless
And never is
Selfish
Love is
Given
Cannot be aquired
Love is
The things your
Heart truly desires
Love is
Protection

Love is here

Sometimes
I wish my parents
Had never separated

Eventhough
I know they are better off
Without eachother...
I never see my mom
Because part of me
Can't stop being mad
About the way that she
Abandoned dad and took me away

This pain
Took over a year
To find its place
Inside of me

I want to hear mom's
Beautiful voice
Lull me to sleep
Singing "Baby Mine"
As she did when I was a child
And trace her finger
Over the bridge of my nose
As tears fell from my eyes
She was a comfort to me

I want my mom
To be here to help me
Through college
Because I'm in it alone

I want her by my side
The motherly way
She was before
That's the version of her
That I ache for

But sometimes, I fear
That side of her is gone
She may never be
Who I once thought she was

I think I
Am doing fine
After all the ****
I've done

I will stand above
My mistakes
My past
Those I miss
To conquer the
Despair within

I think I
Am satisfied
Relying on me
Myself
And I

Because who better
Is there to trust,
Than myself?
Especially when
I have no one else

I think I
Am doing fine
Going through the motions
I try to live my life

Looking back,
I'm still alive
Even after all the times
I almost took my life

I am doing fine
And, sure as hell
I'll make it out alive

A little lie
A little word
And you're put under my spell
You never knew
You never even doubted
That I was telling the truth
You should have known
You didn't even try
You took my words
And believed them every time
I held you in my arms
Until my heart became cold
You never even second guessed
You didn't even try
And came running back to me
Each time my hands reached
To you again
You poor thing
How you must despair
Being thrown around in circles
How aweful you must feel
Being stomped into the earth
Tell me, how does it feel
To be infused into dirt?
I can hear you weeping
From the corners
I can feel you reaching
Towards the pain
So addicting
You can't get enough of me
You must be starving
As I give you nothing but remnants
Nothing but a piece of me
As you hunger for more
I will become your destruction
As you feed off my addiction
It must be so lonely
Always being barely within
Arm's reach
Falling so hard; so fast
Do you really think I would take your hand?

It's unfortunate
That you had to die
Even more so
Because it was me who
Had held the knife

******, you cried
******, so perfect
The way you screamed
When your stomach
Was exposed

Your heart was racing
In a fear unspoken
Your breathing was slim,
For your lungs would not open

Blood paints the walls
And I take a taste
Someday maybe I
Will share the same fate
Welcoming death's
Eternal embrace

Directly in sight
I can see you again
Three whole years
Have come and went
I never thought
We would speak again
Despite how badly
I've missed you, my friend

Our lives have changed
We're all grown up
But when I talk with you
Not a moment has passed
We're still the same
Rebellious kids we were
Back in the day

I love you
I've missed you
Won't you call me your friend?
I feel more complete
With your arms around me
As you carry me
Through each hard time

You were the one I relied on
I've cried upon your shoulders
We've laughed together
Cried together
Went through life together
Until life took us apart

Welcome back
Into my life
It's good to see you
Once again
I've missed your face
Longed for your words
I've missed you
My good friend

She was born
Some time in spring
On the year I graduated
I was still in school
When my parents split

My brother
Was off "playing solider"
As my dad would say
Doing things the army way
He didn't know
Until he got home
That my mom had left
She took me with

My mother
Made me keep
Our move a secret
I wanted to tell dad so bad
Wanted to warn him
Of the misfortune ahead
I didn't even want to leave
I was caught in the middle
of everything

My father
Tried to make things right
But my mom wouldn't have it
I was all alone in a new town
No friends
I felt as if I were stranded
Or cut off from everyone I loved

Then she came
Some time in spring
She stole my heart
Almost instantly
Something so pure
Was hope to me
A new baby kitten

I named her Azrael
After the angel of death
And she was an angel to me
Not long after, my aunt died
And she was all I had

Then The time came
To come back to my dad
I left my mom behind
My dad didn't like Azzie
But let her stay

I would love her
Brush her and sing to her
And she followed me
Everywhere I went
We were so close
Me and my angel

She grew Ill over time
Became so thin
And was losing hair
Living in a basement
Began to take its toll

My father told me
To take her outside
And find her a home
I couldn't keep her anymore

But the fresh air
Healed her
But she still has to go
I never want to part
With my angel
For, she never left me
When I cried for my aunt
She never left me
When I felt regret
She was all I had
After I'd lost everything
Now, to keep her,
I'd give anything

I love him so completely
That I rely on his strength
Never do I fear of him leaving me
Because he's there for me
He cares for me
Even my rediculous stories, he believes

I love him so deeply
That I need not fear any more
When he is by my side
The storm, that is called my life
Vanishes to clear skies

I love him so truly
That I will never love another
Even when our time is done
My love for him
Will forever live on

I love him unconditionally
That I don't even see
The flaws that he points out
Or when he gets on my nerves
My heart swells and pours out love

Life can be hard, son
And before you know it
You wind up in the dirt

Beaten so hard
That you lose hope
But believe me when I say:
You've got to learn to cope

Your body, weak and worn
Your spirit, shaken and torn
You wonder
If you have the strength to stand

Will you be brave enough to fight again?

Get up off the floor
Dust off your knees and
Settle the score
Cause you don't win in life
By lying on your back
No, you don't win in life
When you cower in the sand

You can only conquer
The trials that are laid before you

Even if you can only muster
Up enough strength to get through today
Remember, this problem is only a grain of sand.
There will be more problems that come

Don't let it drag you down

I'm done
I give up
Whatever happens
Happens
And it's tough

Let nature
Take its course
With me
Let life
Have its way
With me

If I fall
I fall
I will not
Get up

I'll crawl
Inside the dirt
Because that is my
Self worth

I'll ignore
My ailments
And let them
Catch up to me
As nature
And life
Take their toll
On me

My body
My flesh
Will decay
And turn
To dust
And I'll just
Sit there
and rust
Because I've been pushed
Across my line
The line on if I choose
Between death and life
The thing that makes me know
Wrong from right

I'll throw it all away
In time
Like a game,
I will wait
for it to catch up
To me

And when it does
I'll greet fate
With a grin
And let it take
My soul and sin

Sometimes, I would drive by your house
And my hopes would rise
Because I wanted to see you so bad
But then I realized...
You're dead
You're not home, in fact, you're very far
I will never get to be exactly where you are

I laughed in the bitterness of reality
Through tears, I realized just how cruel it can be
Every fiber in my being yearns for you
Wants to hear your voice
And seek your advice

If that's not enough to **** me inside, this one fact has killed me twice
You will never see my wedding or my kids
I wanted you to be apart of everything
After all you did...

I want to see your smile again
I want to feel your embrace
Although you're gone, somehow
I can feel you Deep within
Comforting me when I cry

Guiding me through my life

How many times
Can one heart break?

How many years
Will pass to make
The pain go away?

Where there is love
There is loss
Even if the love
Is not the cause

My heart breaks

It breaks

For you

My very soul

Aches

For you

But somewhere, I know
I will never see you again
So why am I still
Waiting for you to come in?

Death is hard
For all who are near
It's like a blast
That sends ripples through the earth
Striking shock into the hearts
Of all that it hurt

So we lie upon the ash
With tears in our eyes
As our hearts yearn
To see you one more time

We will never stand
We will never rise from the ashes
We will resurrect
And carry the lashes
Like an open wound
Will some day fade
A hidden scar
Will fall in its place

Death strikes a wound
So deep
It touches both the heart an soul

It can never truly heal
But we eventually learn to cope

Good bye for now
But just know
I'll see you smile again
Some day
I'll see you once again
My friend

So sick
of being unheard
You're my father
You're supposed to protect
Your daughter
But you let this creep
Lie in my bed

He's probably
Feeling great pleasure
Having my delicates
At his leisure
Yep, I'm kind of mad

But he's my brothers
Best friend
So then why
Won't they protect me?
He had a bad habit
of staring at me
For hours on end
While I sit there and I pretend
I don't see him

I'm your daughter
I'm your little sister
So do I mean nothing to you?
It wouldn't be the first time
That someone's forced
Themselves on me
Making me hate myself
for existing

He told me he loves me
Told me he gives himself pleasure
Who says that to a girls face??
And yet my father
My brother
Don't do one **** thing

I let out a sigh
Of exhaustion
Haven't slept right
In two weeks

The medicine
Is not kicking in
And I can't bring
Myself to speak

My body shakes
Constantly with adrenaline
But I am sitting still
My nerves are
Misfiring
It's hard to focus

My vision tremors
Just as the lights above me
Flicker like strobe lights

Is this what it feels like
To be alone?
Is this just my body
Shutting down?

I never want
To be alone
But some how solitude
Is where I belong
What a desolate feeling
What a delicate soul

This is what it's like
To be completely
On my own

There is a recognizable strength in numbers
When two or more band together for one cause, miracles therein lie
There is closure in groups
A safe heaven in the support and care of others of whom you can rely on
There is a passion in numbers
Of which this world cannot recognize a relationship between you and I and it gives such strength without compromise

So why do I want to be alone?

Life goes on
Even when you don't want it to
But only the strong
Will make it through okay
Shining brighter than before

Even as they still live
Day to day
To mask the pain
To forget the tears of yesterday

Life goes on
Even as the world may fall
Only those with courage
Come out standing tall

I'd give anything
To smile again
To see happiness
Within myself
Instead of a painted grin

There was a time
Long ago
When things seemed right
And I didn't have
To fight every waking moment
To stay alive

Now, I'm stuck here
Wondering why
While the world
Feeds off of my lies

They never question
The words I say
They never care
To see my pain

So I go through life
Wearing my painted grin
Hiding so many secrets
Behind a life of sin

Purity
Is impossible to obtain
In a world so corrupt
It's hard to explain
All the deception
In this world
How we treat others
Is the worst

How can something
Be so pure, when it's
Surrounded by putrid
And vile things?
How can something
Remain as white
As a fresh sheet of snow
In January?

In the 21st century
Everyone is sick
And I am sick
Of living in it
Surrounded by sin
And chaos
There's no escape
No way to stay
Pure

Even innocence
Is tainted by the
Ways of today

It's hard to keep
Composure

And even harder to find
Closure

Nothing is innocent
Anymore

Is this me
Rushing into things?

Am I trying
To get ahead of myself?

Or is it me
Trying my best to be thriving?




When I'm barely surviving

At this point in my life
I am frightened

I've been out of work
For two months
Because my strength
Just doesn't add up

These attacks that I have;
I could have at any time
So what if I am alone
When the episode hits?
I'll be alone to endure it

I fear going back tomorrow
Because it's been so long
And the progress I've made
Has been so small
But at least I am climbing
That mountain
And not rolling out of control
Towards the bottom

I go to sleep tonight
And I am scared of my future
Or if I will ever truly be able
To lead a normal life

This isn't my choice
But more as a curse
One that sends me to a specialist
One that can and probably will
Hospitalize me

I'm afraid
But I'm going to be strong
I will go back tomorrow
And give it my all
And if I should fail
If I should fall
At least I'll know
It couldn't have been helped

I'm sorry you're upset with me
And feel like you need to be
But how much I care, honestly,
Is fading without reasoning

I tried so hard to do my best
But wound up creating a large mess
And now I have this pain in my chest
Because I left you in distress

You love to take things out on me
Always your target, don't you see?
You always try to make me cry
Knock me down on my knees,
But I never bleed

"Sometimes in life
You've got to be selfish...
Otherwise, you suffer"
I guess my words
Never sunk into your thick skull
And now we're both the selfish ones
And I've got words that shoot like guns

I guess the reason
I'm truly upset
Is not that I feel bad
But rather
That you make me feel bad
And feelings are things that I can't stand

I'll say this now, my words,
Forever, hold them tight
Tonight I'm leaving, and nothing can change my mind
Goodbye for now
Goodbye forever
If you're acting this way,
I'll see you never

Never did I realize
How selfish
Death could be
Until I was a third year
In high school
Death was once
My only wish
To kiss this life goodbye
And erase all the pain
When all I'd be doing
Was giving the world
My shame

My cousin Ben
Had a wife
It was only the two of them
They were young
And had no children
But they fought
And they fought
Ben felt he was to blame
He didn't feel that
Counseling would take
Her pain away

In Ben's mind
It was all his fault
He felt that he was
The problem
The guilt weighed on him
He wanted to see
Her smile at him again

She came home
To find a note on the door
It read
In shaken words
"Please don't come in
Don't open that door"
But those very words
She decided to ignore

There he lie
On the floor
His brains on the wall
And a gun
That'd fell from his hands
She was now a widow
At such a young age
And yet, sense then
Her life has never
Been the same

Ben took his life
To give her hope
He felt that leaving
Would free her of his burden
She never felt that way at all

Death can be
A selfish thing
To take your pain away
For an eternity
But the ones who are left
Carry that weight
To the point
Where they feel
They're the ones to blame

Something Ben
Didn't see
Was how they would have
Made it through
What Ben never saw again
Was that smile
He'd tried so hard to protect
Cheated himself
From a life
Forever married
To a beautiful wife

And now she sits at home
All alone
Wishing she'd done something
That seemed right

There are so many things
So many reasons
Why I should care
About life
About people
Things that I can't learn to care about

I am a shut in
Alone and dry
But I never lonely
For my shadow
Holds me in the night
My reflection
Gives me conversation
I am my own source
Of entertainment

So many times
I've tried to reach out
Tried to be social
Tried to change my
Very way of thinking

But the darkness
As it lulls me to sleep
It ***** me in
Where I will forever be

So tired
of living
I could just
Die
So tired of waiting
For a good thing
When all I'm fed is
Lies
I will never taste
Happiness
The taste is bitter
On my tongue
So tired of neglect
Or the twisted words you said
So tired of the way you
Cry
When there's no more tears
To be shed
Nothing with you
Has ever made sense
And knowing that you
Will never repent
Makes me so tired
I could just
Sleep
Spend all of my life
Forever in my
Dreams

Though
At times
I'm not sure why...
I'm sure there is a reason

I lie in bed
Awake last night
Imagining the day
I watched my friend burn alive

I asked myself
Why did I have to be there?
Why did his dad knock on MY door?
Couldn't it have been someone else?
Because those images are something
I cannot erase

Did seeing this
Make me stronger?
Was it meant to make me wise?
Or perhaps the only reason
Was to teach me to treasure life

It's been three months
Sense that day
And the images, I thought
Would go away
But still I lie awake at night
Thinking of it all
And it drives me insane

The way your brother lay
Your burnt body upon the driveway
And you gasped desperately for clean air
When the sirens were closing in
The old woman pulled me away
Into a hug
And asked me if I knew the boy
I said yes. Sense preschool
She said I shouldn't see this

Why did I have to see it?

To the firefighters, I was a witness
I had to give them everything I knew

They offered me trauma counseling
As to undo what had been done
But he died two days later
And I'd give anything to take that back

I couldn't save him
I only tried to help
Why did i have to be the one
To put the burden upon myself?

We never talked a day in our lives
But his life seemed to precious to me

When it came down to it,
I did my best to be there
When I should have let them be

Why must I be plagued with this memories?