Tell me now
How I'm supposed to feel

After all the numbing trauma
My mind can only try to heal

Show me how
I can learn to care

You tie me down,
I'll only offer you a blank stare

Nothing is real
I feel nonexistent

Something about the way
My lies flow past my lips
Makes me feel so distant

Charismatic, though I am
You cannot see past the depths
Of this mask

Twisted, I wish to feast on blood
Persistent in the way I just can't have enough

No one will ever see past the wall that I have built. No one will ever know that behind my actions is a lack of guilt

No remorse for the broken
No real laughs will leave my lungs
This is what it's like when
Pretending is never enough

What could they do?
What would they say?
I have scars all over
My blemished flesh
Would they shun me?
For being more in tune to my suffering
Would they send me away?
Shove a pill past my lips
And tell me I'm okay

I just want to feel hope again
Want to be washed clean
Of these physical scars
That have caged me
I want to let go of this
These feelings that I get
More than anything, I'd rather
Die than just pretend

I want to go home
It's a strong urge I cannot shake
But I'm sitting in my bedroom
So tell me, if this isn't home
Then what is??
Would I rather lie inside my grave?
Would I decide to wake up
and live just another day?

Could you fill my heart with hope
Instead of this sorrow that
I've come to know too well?
They can wash the blood off of my hands
But the stains on my soul
Could be never cleansed

They could try for a thousand years
To try to convince me
That this is all worth the tears
But the fact of the matter is
Nothing could ever change
Because upon my soul
Is one large black stain

BUT THE STAINS ON MY SOUL
COULD NEVER BE CLEANSED

AND THE STAINS ON MY SOUL
WILL NEVER BE REPENT

NO, THE STAINS ON MY SOUL
WILL NEVER BE CLEANSED

My mind
Searches for reasons why
I should care or be here at all

My soul
It yearns for something more
Something yet to come
Or something in the past
That has been taken from my

My heart
Aches and grows tired of beating
After every breath I take

My body
Has grown weary
From all the abuse
I give to myself from day to day

My skin
I wear it so well
But I want to get out of it
Because it's uncomfortable as hell

My eyes
Try to look towards a better life
But then I get snapped back
To where I started and I struggle to climb

These past few weeks
Have drained at my life
Two friends in twelve days
Tragically died
I finally chose
To go to college
I have no financial help
Because the aid never acknowledged
That my dad is being sued
By my mom who is poor
He cannot help me at all
Because he is planning his wedding
So I'm all alone
To sit here
Suffocating
I'm here all alone
Feeling the raw pain
And it's nauseating
So I struggle and try
To scrape through my life
As the world around me
Decays and dies
I have no hope
And I've never felt so alone
As a child
I was pushed into the world
To grow up too fast
And struggle to stand
My knees are weak and shaking
But here I am

Your light of hope
Seems so dim anymore
My hope in this life;
My dreams are there
But they seem further away from me
I dream of a day
Where I can provide
Yearn for a life where
I am always on the climb
Instead of being trapped upon the
Earth

Distant dreams
Are tragedies
But your words
Had offered peace to me
The way you were always so confident in me and always told me to be anything my heart could ever dream
Your voice...
    Your words....
         Were like a symphony
The way you loved me
        
         Unconditionally

...She passed away in the beauty of spring
And how I long to hear her voice
To let it comfort me
Can she see how far I've come?
I keep pressing towards my dreams
But gravity is too strong
Let your eternal love offer me strength
Although worlds apart,
I pray it will reach me
To hear you whisper my name
    To hear your voice...
          To hear your Symphony...

I want to relive your love
    Forevermore
I want to make you proud
    Of this "little girl"

Tell me
   Can you see me where you are?
      Worlds apart, but you don't lose heart
           Listen
       And you will hear
    A symphony
It is the gift you'd given to me

The feeling of loss
Lingers for a lifetime
The sensation may fade
But as the tide, it shall fluxuate
Pulsating within my core
Reminding me of a pain
I've already felt before
I neglect the thought of you
To press through my day
But something about you
Will never go away
The feeling of loss
Has a bitter hold on my soul
This time, I don't think
It will ever let me go

I was always told
I have wisdom
That surpasses my years

But then I thought
Is it worth it?
Because wisdom is gained
By life experience
And pain

Is my knowledge
Worth the hurt?
Is it worth
The things I've come out of?

Do I regret
The things I've said?
The things I've done?
The answer is yes

But it's the mistakes
That make me
If it weren't for
My mistakes
I wouldn't be who I am
Today

So yes
It's worth it
Yes
It's worth all of the tears
The ones I've lost
The struggles through the years

In my heart
I believe
Everything happens
for a reason

And that reason is me

Can you see a future
Dawning in the horizon?
The birds are singing
To the melody in their hearts
While the Earth basks
In the sound

Can you feel it?
Can you feel my heart beat
Pitter?
It makes me feel so alive
And I see
The silver lining
It's so close
Almost in reach

This isn't me
But I don't know where else
I'd rather be
And I'm tired of believing
That nothing becomes of a dreamer
When nothing comes from doubt
It comes from faith, believing in myself

Out here it's dark~ open my eyes
When I look up to the midnight sky
It's so beautiful
That it takes my breath away
It's so beautiful
How the rarest of things
Break the shadows
Throughout galaxies
So far away from where we are
But still their beauty shines
To cast away the dark

And that's what it's like to dream
Its never giving up
Or letting go
I'm not letting go~

Can you feel it?

Can you feel it?

Can you feel my heart beat
Pitter?
It makes me feel so alive
And I see
The silver lining
It's so close
Almost in reach

It's my dreams...

My mind runs in circles
Thinking of all the good and bad
In my life, currently
And in the past

I miss my aunt
My heart aches for her
And I wish she could be here
To see my wedding, because
I know she is probably in heaven
Wishing she could be here with me
And tell Jared how handsome he is
And how great we look together
The things
She used to say

I worry about money
Now more than ever
Getting a house for the first time
And paying for a wedding
All at once is overwhelming
But I know it will be worth it in the end

I stress right now
About almost everything
Which is odd, because normally
I never stress at all

But my baby cousin
Who is barely a month old
Is now in the hospital
And his mom doesn't think
he is going to make it
His big sister is going to be
Devastated

The lack of support
That I have from getting married
Is nauseating
Why can't people let us be happy?
Instead of stressing us out...

There are just so many things
Running through my mind
So many things
And I'm not sure why

In sadness
I smile
In sickness
I push
In trials
I wear a mask
So no one has to
Know the horrid truth

I once was bare
For all to see
There were no secrets
Hiding underneath

This is the cost
The innocence of our youth
That is why when I speak
All you hear is the truth

So full of deciet
But it's all an illusion
Don't take off the mask
That I'd molded so carefully
It's the only thing that separates me
From my true identity

All the stars start to align
The glowing path gets clearer
Each night

You're checking out
So turn out the lights
Leave me stuck here in the dark

I want to see brilliant shades of red
Blood to paint the walls with my very life
I want to go with you
And forever be by your side
But instead I am tortured by the lights

Take me home
Let me be free
I want to fly away from everything
So distant from what weighs me down

Trial and error
Run in circles throughout my life
Teaching me that there is no decision
Without Consequence

All that my parents left me
After they raised me
Their strict rules of right and wrong
Became meaningless
And they became the examples of sin
That they'd raised me to hate

I don't understand how
Things fell apart so easily
Nor can I comprehend the way
It will all turn out in the end

Even as a young adult, I am finding
myself highly confused
If my parents are allowed to do these things....
Are they living in sin?
Or is sin even real?

I contemplate so many factors in my life
Like how I can't refrain from hurting myself
Or the way I fight so hard each day not to chip away and hurt someone I love
I am toxic and am decaying so quickly
That I can't even see straight
The images all blend and bend

I can't work
I can't sleep
I can't even function or do
The easiest things
But of all the things I wish I couldn't do;
I can breathe

I don't understand why things have to be this way. I don't even understand why I need help.
Still I go in fear of losing myself
But I was never my own person to begin with

A lot of my problems
Lie deep down
They're nearly impossible to find

My value of life
For the time I nearly died
Disembodied by a train
I was merely seconds away

My fear of people
Reflects each time I was
Burned in my life
And I quickly learned
That one can only trust themselves
And people let you down

My numbness
Like a void
From all the tragedy I've faced
Losing the man I loved at 15
And all the abuse

My love for the darkness
Came over like a sickness
For, colors, make me burn
Reminds me of all the funerals
All the dead loved ones

I reflect upon everything
And wonder why
I am a warped human inside

Trial and error
Run in circles throughout my life
Teaching me that there is no decision
Without Consequence

All that my parents left me
After they raised me
Their strict rules of right and wrong
Became meaningless
And they became the examples of sin
That they'd raised me to hate

I don't understand how
Things fell apart so easily
Nor can I comprehend the way
It will all turn out in the end

Even as a young adult, I am finding
myself highly confused
If my parents are allowed to do these things....
Are they living in sin?
Or is sin even real?

I contemplate so many factors in my life
Like how I can't refrain from hurting myself
Or the way I fight so hard each day not to chip away and hurt someone I love
I am toxic and am decaying so quickly
That I can't even see straight
The images all blend and bend

I can't work
I can't sleep
I can't even function or do
The easiest things
But of all the things I wish I couldn't do;
I can breathe

I don't understand why things have to be this way. I don't even understand why I need help.
Still I go in fear of losing myself
But I was never my own person to begin with

To accept my fate
Is to throw my life away
To do what's best for myself
Is to take away the good things in my life

I've always
Prayed every night
Asking God to let me see
Through both eyes
The the world
The way everyone else does

But I now know
That that'll never happen
To be honest
My faith is shaken
And I've never felt
More forsaken

What'll happen to me now?
Should I just roll over and die?
Because that's what it feels like I'm doing
Just because of one
Useless eye

It's not fair
The way I've taken it
All in stride
It's not fair
How my eye
Can no longer see colors
Everything is turning black
It's not fair
I'm only nineteen

I'm fully prepared
And fully aware
Of what's happening
And what the outcome will be

But I'm still afraid
The thought
It terrifies me
And I just want to give up
On life
On everything

It's critical
To think carefully

You never know
When you might mess up
What you'll lose
Or the price you'll pay

Think hard
About consequence

Is it worth what I said?
Is it worth who I'll miss?
We always have a choice
It's what makes us human

We choose to smoke
Choose to cheat
Choose to hear those words
On repeat

We choose to love
Choose to care
Choose to wish we were
Never even there

Critical thinking
Is vital to living

Otherwise
We'll regret
All the care we weren't giving

A thought
Crossed my mind today
And was nearly
Transferred to action
As I nearly cut my arm
Wide open
To end my sad existence
Once and for all

So many reasons
I have not to care anymore
So many twists and turns
I've endured
And all this time
All this pain
Has remained enclosed within me

I have no drive
Anymore
No reason to survive
Anymore
And even more than that
I don't feel alive
Anymore
Therefore, if there is a point
To life
I'm not seeing it

Not like I used to

And my hopes are washing away
Flooding so quickly
Down the drain
And my blood falls
And leaves a stain
I become but a portrait
Left in your brain

There is nothing left of me
I have no right
No reason to breathe

And although I'm gone
I still believe
That maybe there is still
Something left of me

I'm tired of being
Treated low
I'm tired of the verbal blows
I'm tired of running away
And I'm am especially tired
of living this way

Surrounded by water
I feel peace
As I let my body
Slip underneath the surface
I'm at home

I'm happy
There's only one thing
In front of me
And it's clear
And it carries me
There's no place that I'd rather be

I could spend my whole life
Intertwined with the current

Everything goes quiet
There's no stress
Not a voice inside my head

My body is failing me
And each time I stand,
I feel like falling
My body is growing weak
Every day that I live
It seems like I'm dying
But I have so much left to give

Sometimes I wonder
if someday I'll collapse
Wither away into nothing
Because I'd have no strength left

Perhaps, I could be better
If I had the money
To help myself
But sense I don't
I'll just suffer in the silence
Only to cry when I'm alone

Pure
Like a rose, white
With no color

Innocent
Like a newborn child
Untainted, and certain

Until
the door was left
Wide open

Tears
Filled her eyes
As her life was filled with lies

Hurt
From others
Oh, how they'd deceived her

Afraid
Of living another day
For, she knew not
What tomorrow would bring

Until the day
She learned that

In order to survive
She had to become
What she feared the most

Deception
She soon became
A master of lies

Accustomed to
Being used and molested
By those she called "friends"

Tired
And neglected
She was no longer sheltered
From the world

Inside
She was still
That pure white rose

Knowing
That her actions
Were wrong

But still
That girl
Struggles to live
In a world so tainted
Deeply in sin

I don't remember
the moment I finally broke
Or why

When did I finally
Give in at the mercy
of conflict?

I just don't uncerstand
When I quit reaching
For something more

To grasp the things
That remain unseen
Untold

I once was a dreamer;
Who's feet never touched
The ground

Now I lie face first
In the dirt
And cannot see
What life is worth

I don't remember
the moment I finally broke
Or why

I only remember
Emptiness snaking up my spine
Now I can't help but to feel
A massive void in my life

And the thing that
Kills me most
Is that I don't know
Why

I want
To cut myself
Wide open

Digging the blade
Deep down
Into my organs

I feel so exposed
So I'll expose
What's inside
This precious
Body of mine

The blood
So addicting
I want to drown
In Crimson red
For the rest of my life

The skin
Peeling away
Sending my nerves
All aflame
To feel the soft flesh
That lies beneath
Flesh that no one
Was ever meant to see

My soul
Is protruding
Trying to escape
I want to let it out
But I'm crying from pain

My heart
Starts to stammer
Lungs convulse
To reach for air
I start to let go
As I disappear

When we were young
And the snow fell down
Is when we would play
Even if we were too old
And we'd cause a lot of mischief
Because that's what we did
And we'd laugh the night away
Within winter's embrace
And we shared our first kiss
As our hearts floated away
And said that our love
Would never fade

As we got older
And the snow rained down
Is when we would worry
If we could travel in safety
But we had bills to pay
So we'd venture out anyways
And he bought me a ring
Got down on one knee
In the beauty of the world
And asked me to be
Forever his to hold
Forever his to keep

Together we grew old
On that day
The snow fell like ashes
And the cold brought me pain
As we laid him in a coffin
On a cold December day
I knew my life would never be the same
Still, I wished for the time
When the snow was falling
And you were still mine
When we used to laugh
And we used to play
And kiss and love
And dream of our future
But now he's gone
And my future is dead
So now I'll lie frozen
Numb in my bed

The weight of the world
Like gravity
It works against me
As does everything

It's hard to believe
That I can still breathe
With this pressing
Against my chest

I want to be weightless
In a world
Free of everything
That controls me
And presses me
Back down to earth

I want to live
In a world
Free of worry
Free of burdens

But nothing is free
Nor guaranteed
As usual
It weighs on me
Like gravity