it's like all the pain
and numbness
in you,
echos through me,
and I absorb all that,
until my heart
can't take it anymore
then I overflow

when it collapses,
it feels like the end of the world
but it felt like that so many times
and it hasn't ended
so I don't even fear anymore.

I think it's sad that
everyone sees and tells me
I'm special and extraordinary
and my own mom
can only tell me what
a horrible daughter and person I am

you don't have to fear life and people so much. it'll be alright. you have to let go more in order to enjoy things.
- you don't have to be ashamed of yourself. don't live life up to people's expectations. everybody has flaws, you know? so it's okay to be weird.
- you have to take your chances. be bold. you'll be much happier when you do.
- try to talk more with people. surprise them. be spontaneous.
- don't take so long overthinking. just live, just feel.
- remember that you do not need anyone who doesn't need you.
- treat yourself with respect and demand that from others as well.
- don't be afraid to speak up.
- don't be so judgemental, ok? people are so much more than what they appear.
- value your family. they're the only thing you truly have.
- go out of your comfort zone. it'll make you grow.
- take your time to grow
- do not let fear stop you from doing what you want.

it hurts
when I talk about
my insecurities and feelings,
but I still do.
I shouldn't have to hide them,
should I?
but when I do open up
you act like they were a joke.
Hahaha,
ain't no fun.

they say you should
stick around the ones
that care for you
and put you first,
but what if you don't have
any of those?
what if you love too deeply
but not a single soul
seems to feel the same about you?

I don't know what happens
inside me.
It's all fine
but in a second
it ain't anymore.
A "little" unsteady.
I just feel too much happiness
or too much sadness
or nothing at all

You've been on your own
all your life
til the point you almost got used to it.
Used to the silence
to the cold crying nights
and the embrace of loneliness.
Still,
a little voice inside you screams for
something
someone
anyone
to tell you you're meaningful,
'cause it never felt like it

wish I could delete you
from my memory
and erase me from yours.
whish I could detach our past
and exclude this reality
in which we're apart
and not right for each other.

maybe if we met
another time and place
I wouldn't have ******* it up.
you would be free
and we could work it out.

Yes,
I still persist thinking
that someday there will be an us.

it's been eight months
eight ******* months
you two are dating
and my heart still races every time
i see you.
and I still get this overflowing feelings
I can't deal with.
why?
why can't I get over it?
why does it still feel so weird
and confusing?
why is it never ever completely
over for me
even though you've moved on?

They make us believe
we have to study hard
to go well on tests
and have a promising future
as doctor, engineer or lawyer.

Memorize the equations, boy,
do a lot of exercises,
even if it makes no sense to you,
even if contradicts all your instincts,
your talent,
your heart.

The thing is the fault
isn't in the parents
and teachers,
who insist on telling us that.
The fault is on the society
which taught them to believe
that betraying your soul
was the only option.

feeling oceans growing
in between me and everyone I love
and thought that would always be there
guess they won't
and neither will I
I'd rather be all alone
than to keep begging for your love
your time
and your help.
guess I'm the only one left anyway

those self depreciative thoughts
running through your brain
again and again
'cause in a world that no one
comprehends your deepness
and intensity,
you're bound to feel left out
inappropriate
sad and wrong.

you do are enough.
you do are funny.
you do are caring
and generous.
and if they don't value
all these great qualities you have
then, it's their lost, okay?
not your ******* fault.
keep doing you.
that's the bravest thing to do.

you hold on too tight
to anyone who gives you seconds of their attention
'cause nobody else ever cared enough
and you end up with half souls
who don't treat you
like you deserve,
and a half heart
'cause each of them
breaks and takes away a bit of you.
But it's just something you can't avoid.
You can't help looking for comfort
in other men
because your father never gave you
the love you needed.
And you accept any kind of treatment,
'cause you think you don't deserve
any attention at all.
I'm so sorry.
I hope someday you realize
you do are worthy
of love and attention and care and respect.
and I hope you can find someone who
will give you that.

you wanna escape
this place
and these people
so so badly.
'cause they say
you should drift away
from what harms you,
and they are of no good
to your soul,
and also 'cause
you've never felt like
you belonged here.
But deep down,
I guess what you truly
want is to escape yourself.
and that, my friend,
no place will allow

you wake up at 6
take a deep breath
and find in the depth of you
the strenght to deal with another day,
in that awful job,
in which you're not valued or happy.
and you keep on going
holding up the tears
various times a day.
you manage to stand
all those boring small talks,
with people that don't actually care.
you stand the noise from the machines
but the loudest one is from the cracks breaking
inside you,
and from your soul being suffocated.
becaming a robot.
that's what they wanted, right?

and when it's late
and you're tired,
you go home
and spend the last hours of your day
watching other people's lifes
on TV or instagram,
just so you don't think about
how meaningless is your own life.
just so you don't have to deal
or think about anything at all.
just until you fall asleep
to wake up to another pathetic day.

i hate so much hating myself
my skin
my arms
my waist
my legs
and all my body
'cause I'm a living, breathing creature
who can walk and talk and think and feel
my body works perfectly
and it has done so much
just to keep me alive.
my body loves me,
so why can't I love it back?

i hate how no matter how we're born
we are taught to despise
every bit of ourselves.

i hate how we learn to hate food
while so many are starving
for real reasons.

i hate this tortuous looks in the mirror
and this never ending cycle.

i hate how we try so hard to
make our outside look pretty
while we empty our insides.

i hate how our society
damages young girls and boy's brains.
i hate how they'll never feel whole
and proud of themselves.

i hate how socially acceptable it is
to do whatever it costs to lose weight
and i hate how we applaud
when people do.

i hate how we think it's okay
to comment in other people's appearance
as if it was meant for us
to define what they should look like.

i hate how hypocrites we are
talking about how wrong all this is
but reproducing this all the time.

i hate how no one actually cares
until it's too late.
and i hate how we're all broken,
pretending to be okay.

tears keep on falling
like the rain outside
and I'm sick of having to hide them
and I'm sick of feeling this
and being so inevitably alone.

and when u finally notice
my sadness
you tell me that I'm just being dramatic
and I just have to chill.
Fine,
get me out of here.
far, far away,
and I'll chill

maybe we give up on each other
because we see how broken we are
no glue can fix it.

maybe we give up on each other
'cause we already gave up on ourselves.
so why fight for anything at all?

maybe we give up on each other
'cause we're so used to the cracks
we can't even remember
how it feels like to be whole.

maybe we give up on each other
because we lost all strenght fighting
and saw that it wasn't worth anything.

maybe we give up on each other
because it's already hard enough
to carry ourselves
and our own mess.

maybe we give up on each other
'cause we can't remember
how it felt like
when we were one
and whole.

maybe we give up 'cause there rly ain't nothing else left.
just accept it.

friendships all fallen apart
like fruits from a tree
and we watch as they rot
tired of being the only ones who care
tired of being the only ones that make an effort.
as if  it wasn't enough everything being so ****** up,
we're ****** up.
but we were supposed to be there for each other
we were supposed to tell what we're feeling
and help
but everyone's hurting
caught up in our sadness
we can't see through our tears

I kinda wanna write about it
about every single thing that's cracking inside
but writing means feeling,
living all those things again
and all I wanted was to not feel at all.

He's gonna fall in love
for the way you like to watch the sky,
the clouds,
and the light below the trees.
He'll be enchanted
by the way you see the world,
your bright smile,
and your desire
to care and make everything ok.
He's gonna read each
one of your poems
and try to understand the stories
behind them.
He'll encourage you to sing
and he'll play with and for you.
He's gonna love to hold your hands
and will try your crazy food.
He'll look deep in your eyes
and recognize your sad smiles,
like no one ever did.
He'll kiss your forehead
and his hug
will hug you from the inside out.
He'll hear you whispering
that song only you know
and he'll sing along with you.
He's gonna make you believe
in love again
and each of those cliches
and songs
will make sense.
He won't complete you:
he will give you the feeling
that we could break you
into a million pieces
with just a smile,
but you'll tell jokes
just to see that smile
again and again and again.
And I swear to you
he's out there somewhere.

I truly believe
that we should give up our pride
and chase after people
that matter to us.
I believe we should show how we feel
and pay attention in each other,
and, I swear,
I try to do that.
But after being so silly
I learned that we have to be reciprocal.
I can't care for both of us.
I hoped it would be different,
and you talked like you did as well,
but, sinceraly, I've never seen that
in your actions.
And it hurts in me to do that,
to ignore you
and I feel so guilty.
The thing is
I'm tired of being
the only one who cares
and shows any affection.
I'm sorry,
but if it really mattered to you,
you'd make an effort.

it's beens so long
I haven't seen you inside your eyes
You just gave up on me,
on us,
in a second,
like there was nothing else
to fight for.
and I could ask you
to keep trying
and to fight for us
but we lost all our strenght
and I'm tired of begging for your love.
you say you don't need me anymore,
neither do I.
I'm done

we love each other
so so much
but things aren't the same.
it used to exist a union,
real care and talks.
I used to know we'd always be there for each other,
but I ain't so sure anymore.
and when everything feels to be about to fall down,
all I want to do is run away
as fast as possible,
as far as I can,
so I can't even hear the fall,
'cause maybe it won't hurt so much.
but it already does
and I haven't even escaped yet

You spent so much time
studying
and working,
truly believing
that happiness would come
when you get
a diploma,
a sallary,
a wedding ring,
and a stable life,
that you forgot that
life was already happening.
And you died like this,
without having lived.

if they talk about my smile
is because they haven't seen hers,
of the one who taught me how to smile.
Her smile isn't as easy
and constant
as mine.
She is unable to fake smile
and all the pain in her life
made her serious,
but strong.

That must be the reason why,
when she smiles,
she can dazzle
the light of the sun
and all the stars.

About to fall,
there's only a trace of hope left.
Does he deserve another chance?

Heart,
tired of being mistreated,
just wants someone who won't break it.
Is it worth trying?
It isn't if only one is making the effort.
Reciprocity,
does it even exist?

Cut,
but not until the root.
That would be compassion.
There has to be a few pieces left,
so it doen't stop hurting,
so you don't stop remembering.
He gets out of your life and conversations,
but not from your memory.

That music will always make you remember him,
so will that place,
that nickname,
that smile.

You really don't know what happened
but, in the end,
there was nothing,
only this bitter memory
trapped inside you.

It's raining outside
and it's cold
there,
inside this house
and inside me, too.

The covers
can't heat me up
and the touch in the walls
causes goosebumbs.

Suddenly
the universe
seems so wide
and scary,
and I'm
fragile and small,
vulnerable,
powerless.
I just wish I could make
everything okay again.

Girl,
you don't need
a love
with a tiny soul.
It's not worth it.

It's a waste
looking for shelter
in those who
can't even fit
inside themselves

they probably never told you
that your grades do not define
your smartness
or your potencial.
they probably never told you
you do not need to have your life
figured out right now,
or that you do not need to
decide which career to follow
at sixteen.
you do not need to know everything.
and that does not make you any less.
you have many inteligences
that ****** can't recognize.
you have talent.
you have potencial for greatness
and you're gonna achieve it
in your own time and way.
It'll be okay.

they will constantly tell you
that you're not enough
not pretty enough
not smart enough
not interesting enough
not admirable enough.
ordinary,
useless.
and by repeating it
they'll convince you
that you'll only be happy
and good enough
when you fit in.
Then,
you're gonna try your best
to be what they expect:
P E R F E C T.
only when you realize,
perfection does not exist,
and that you're not
oblied to be anything,
then you'll be happy.

I've never loved someone.
Not that kinda love
which burns
or physically hurts
and makes you feel like
you're about to fly
or burst into flames
at the same time.
I've liked people,
had a crush on a few,
wasted a lot of time
with platonic feelings
but my heart never raced
for someone.
I've never felt goosebumbs
like they say you do
when you see someone u love.
And that feels just desperatly sad
and lonely,
makes me even doubt the existente
of love itself
'cause it seems like it just exists in the movies and books.
Is there something wrong with me?
To be unable to be loved
or ever create a strong bond with someone?
Or is love just an illusion
they invented
to make us think
we can find our own happiness
in someone else?

The boy you sit nearby everyday
in the bus
and never talked to.
The lady that you walk by
every single morning
and still don't know the name.
The little old man who sweeps
the floor and seems so kind,
didn't got even a hello from you.
And that's just sad,
because you've never seen
how their eyes
light up
when you tell them good morning.
You've lost the opportunity
of knowing them,
their souls and desperate desires.
You've lost the opportunity
of making their days better.
You've lost the opportunity
of making amazing friends.
And you're probably not gonna have another chance.

she's bright
and caring
and nice
and funny
and pretty.
the kind of person
that lights up the room
when they get in.
sadly, she doesn't know that.
I wish I could make her see it:
how amazing she is.
how contagious is her smile
and energy,
how much we aprecciate
being by her side,
how much we're thankful
for having her as friend.
I hope someday she'll understand that.

it still crosses your mind
even though it's been so long
sometimes you dream about him
and when you're walking around town
he appears there
and you wonder:
is he happier with her?
he doesn't look happier.
he looks lonely.

you can't help but feel stupid
for caring so much
about someone you barely know.

if there's nothing left
why does it haunt you?

you tear up when I say I love you
and say that you're not sure now
I ask: why wouldn't I?
and you say: why would you?
but I do, you know?
I can't imagine not loving you.
I love you
with all the absence
and the lack of care.
I love you for all you teach me
for who you are
and who you made me became.
I love you in the good and bad days.
I love you so badly that it hurts.
and it hurts even more to hear you doubt that.

they say love is not supposed to hurt
but it does.
it hurts to say it.
it hurts to feel it.
it hurts to know it.

but maybe it's not the love itself
that is painful.
what's painful are the cracks
and ropes
that trap us to this mess.
I'm tired of being trapped here
and I'm tired of feeling hurt.
I wanna escape
but there's not a single way out

there was a time she felt cold
and weak
and lonely
and empty
and numb.
and she truly believed that
by being thin
and looking like she wanted to,
she'd be happy.
but that didn't happen.
in fact,
she just faded away,
disappeared inside of her clothes
and of herself.

lost the sparkle of her eyes
and the colour of her lips
and cheeks.

was it worth it?

you know that I love you
and admire you
and respect you.
I've told you this,
I've wrote you this,
I've expressed in every way,
but I have to be honest
it's not always like that.
Sometimes I wish you were like other moms
and didn't demand so much from me.
I wish you could simply be happy to see me happy
and that you didn't make me feel guilty about having fun
and being normal.
You manage to, in a split second,
make everything that pleases me
and my entire world
seem pathetic and meaningless.
I try to be strong for you
and to be exactly what you expect me to be,
but I can't.
There are parts of me that I felt like I needed to hide
in order to make you proud.
I wish I could be the real me with you,
talk ****,
wonder about life
and just be natural,
without having to worry about your judgments.

I just miss being with you,
without the world, your past and the whole family
weighing us down.
Being with you,
without you feeling guilty for not being with them,
and criticising me for not being like you.
At the same time I admire you for all that,
sometimes I wish
I just had my mom as a friend,
not as the wife, the daughter, the aunt, the sister
you are.
Maybe I just have to accept
that it's always gonna be like that.
Maybe I'm the one who's wrong
and too selfish,
like you said.
I didn't wanna be like that.
I wish you admired me the way that I admire you.
But I just can't reach all your expectations
and i wish you didn't hate me for that.

you wipe off your tears
once again
when they call you downstairs
and you act like you weren’t crying,
as if they’d notice,
they just won’t.
you hug them tight
feeling the same tears almost fall
from your eyes,
but you’re so used to hiding them,
that it feels normal to not show it again,
or yourself,
not ask for help.
keep quiet,
even when you have so much you wanted to say,
but there’s no space for your words,
there’s no space for you.
you’re gonna wake up at night
throw up in silence
and not ask for their help
‘cause you don’t wanna bother.

you’re gonna watch other kids
with their parents
and sometimes think:
“oh, it’s not that bad”,
not that bad is not good enough,
but as much as you wish so,
you can’t change it on your own.

the constant feeling of wanting to disappear
that they don't get.
but it never leaves me.
the thing is:
I don't belong here
I don't recognize my ideas in these people
and no matter what I do
I'll always feel wrong,
incapable of fitting in.
my drunk and drugged
generation
without purpose or values
doesn't represent me,
and actually,
it disgusts me.
these songs and voices
sound so distant
and meaningless to me.
and I know you're gonna call me selfish
for wanting to leave
and abandon everyone here,
but I'm not willing
to give up my soul
and all my wishes.
I'm sorry.
Doing that never made you happy
and it won't make me either.
I'm gonna find somewhere new.
'cause, deep down,
I don't wanna disappear,
I wanna find myself.
and I will travel the whole world
in order to do so.

you tell me that I should fear the world
but I can’t
just don’t want to,
I’ve feared absolutely everything,
even my own shadow,
my whole life
and that hasn’t led anywhere.
Fears paralyses us,
and I’m sick of living paralysed,
stuck here.
I watch you slaved from your fears
and I really really really don’t wanna be like that.

There’s beauty out there, you know?
I grew up, you know?
You want me to be under your roof
but that feels too cold
and I really don’t wanna be alone.
I wish you just wished to see me happy
but that never felt like enough for you.

you use TV
to silence your worries
and I'm terrified that,
by doing so,
you also erase the light
in the back of your eyes.

you drink
when you're too tired
and too stressed
and when everything you don't want
is to be under your own skin.
and I get it.
but i desperatly wanted
that you didn't need it.
I wish I could help you
relieve what you feel.
but I can't.
I'm just so powerless
and I have to sit and watch
in uncomfortable silence
your pain.
'cause nothing I can do
is able to fix it.
and that is what hurts me the most

Your whole life
you had to make yourself small,
quiet,
to bend
and occupy the least amount of space.
You couldn't be a reason of worry,
'cause, after all,
your family just had enough worries.
You believe that your childhood
was so different than mine,
but what you used to do
sounds too familiar to me.
I also have done this,
I got sick because of this,
even if you don't know.
I'm not sure if I'm too good
at hiding stuff from you,
or if you're just too blind for not noticing.

Now, when you realize I'm about to leave,
you accuse me of rush.
You make me feel selfish again
just for wanting to live my own life.

I'm not your priority.
Never was.
And I understand.
They really do need you
more than I do,
but it's still unfair.

You cannot expect me
to stay by your side forever,
in the middle of this mess,
begging for attention.
I'll still be your friend.
I'll still want to tell you
about every thing
that I see and learn.
I'll still be your sense
when you lose yours.
But, I'm sorry
I can't stay trapped here anymore.

You work so hard
to make people
admire you,
respect you,
fear you.
But I can only feel pity.

You try so hard
to show how much
you don't care
but we all know the truth:
the ones who don't show it
are the ones that feel the most.

You scream your hatred
and you make sure
everyone knows
of your opinion and wisdom
about every existing topic.
And you talk louder than the others,
above their voices,
'cause you believe that
they have nothing important to say.

You create conflict with every one
that dares to think different than you
and you push away even the ones
that most love you.
What's the point?
You're trying so hard to be strond
and building walls and walls around you
but inside the fortress you're living in,
it's you who's hurting yourself.

I get it.
It's not your choice.
The bitterness in your life
made you like that.
But it was you
who decided to keep
all this grudge inside.
Now it'll **** you slowly.

You're sitting there
as if it was all okay
and you smile at me
as if it meant nothing,
while I try to hide
how much my hands are shaking
and how fast my heart is beating.

I shouldn't feel that way,
it shouldn't be so hard
to just say hello
and treat you with indifference.
You won't ever imagine
the thoughts that run through my brain,
the dreams I had with you
and how much I regret
not turning this real
when we had the chance.

I wish you didn't fit so well
into what I crave.
I wish everyone that I'm attracted to
didn't look so much like you.
I wish I hadn't been blind
and wasted all the chances.
And I'm so so sorry.

All I can do is accept
and hope that she makes you
as happy as you deserve.