maybe it's me.
maybe there is just somethig about myself that I don't see.
maybe my intelligence isn't what I thought it to be.
because you seem to look right through me whenever I speak.

but maybe that's just me.

maybe it's the way I say my t's without actually pronunciating.
or it could be my abundant narcissistic tendencies.
because you never seem to actually see me.

but maybe it's just me.

we are nothing but lights
dancing through an illuminated night.

tangled feet beneath our legs
we spin and crash in different ways.

our laughs echo through invisible walls
chasing us down abandoned halls.

youth behind us and death in our eyes
I always imagined a different way to die.

How can we be so different?
My hand fits in yours with hardly any indecision.

the problem is,
I never really wanted to be loved.
held and kissed,
maybe.
but my heart has always been my own.
cherished by no one.
only crushed when hope was
left to roam.

I'm in the dark
losing my sight.
I've tried so hard
to find the light.
but the black that engulfs me
keeps pulling me deeper.
whispering in my ear,
to become someone weaker.

I'm so unhappy
being this being
of unresolved
uncomforts and broken
unrealistic dreams
of wanting to be a new
something without a way
of becoming
it's this pain so deep
even I can't reach it
in a place where only I can feel it
and I smile and wave
while people say
"wow, she looks so happy"
but I fake so much
I almost think it's real
and then I'm reminded
with a tear stained window
that I've never been so unhappy

My heart breaks with every step.
Because the further I walk,

*the smaller you get.

there are so many people I would like to be
and none of them seem to be myself.

broken wings
and fallen angels.
shiny things
with cogs and wheels.
turning further
from the truth,
I've never loved
one much like you.

I'm glad we like the same things.

drink the same drinks.
sing the same sings.

laugh the same laughs
and eat the same eats.

I'm glad we learned to love the same things.

There is something in the way you look at me.
In your smile.
It's faint and broken,
but I know it's there.
Your eyes squint in concentration and curiosity
as you try to put the pieces of my puzzle back together.
I know some won't fit
and others are lost
because I have been beaten down and split apart.
My heart is scattered in pieces
and I honestly don't know where you would start.

I have neglected to mention
the most important part.
That it's you and only you,
that holds my heart.

space is never ending
between you and me
stretching and bending
finding ways to grow
quietly moving
and expanding

I never meant to say goodbye.
But it escaped from my mouth and it felt so right.
And you didn't have to say it back,
but you let it fall from your lips as slowly as it sped away from mine.

when you call me by my name

it’s a warm cup of coffee on a cold morning
the scent wafting room to room
the sleep in my eyes just falls away
and although I can’t see you
I can hear the smile on your lips
and I can feel the warmth in your chest

when you call me by my name

In the pursuit of death,
We are halted by the occurrence of life,
Debted to hope
And tolled by the terrene

my feet are on backwards
but I'm still moving forward.
in an uneven pattern
I leave the old behind.
but the new ahead
doesn't seem that grand.
it's losing it's appeal
all the time.

Cold whispers through the air.
Caught only by your heart
and the thoughts that surround we.

The earth on fire would not
be enough to save us
from the chill between you and me.

I think about when you left.
Never looking back.
Not even to check.
I just stood there
with my hand clutching my chest.

I know you didn't mean it.
You said you were sorry
and that this was
how you had to leave it.

But my arms feel empty
with nothing to hold.
And I'm left with this
giant
gaping
hole.

my thoughts are strangling me
they've tied a noose
and are ready to kick the chair out from under me
my hands are bound behind my back
and the fight I thought I had
has completely drained from a lack
of comfort and hope of a solution from death
so I better not fight it
a fight not worth fighting
because if I fight and I win
who's left to keep me from dying?

I beg for something,
but I don't know what.

I long for something,
maybe a new love.

My heart crushed between my hands.

The scars inside and out
scream for someone to understand.

But I look at the clock,
2a.m.

And the coffee I drink
can only keep me awake before I lose each part of who I am.

Then I find
fear
or
solace
within my bed.

I'm never quite sure
which one will find its way
into my head.

I whispered to your heart,
but it mustn't have heard.

Your heart was somewhere else.

I looked so hard,
but you hid it well.

I love him, but he'll never know.

what if
we have felt
everything we
will ever feel?

Please.

Leave now and break every piece of me

or*

leave later and make me forever incomplete.

The trees whispered among their leaves.
The wind;
    Among the breeze.

And we?

Well.
*We spoke within our dreams.

I will never be the perfect time piece.
always early, sometimes late.
I won't keep you detained
by my hands on your heart.

unless you want me to.

each second will seem longer than the last
and I can't promise that
it won't get tricky
being my wrist.

I wake up to cold coffee
and a sigh on my shoulders.
I sip the disappointment
and let it drip from my lifeless composure.
so much distain within my smile,
it's hard to believe I'm still standing.
I would have thought the weight
to completely destroy me.
but it's easy to dismiss all things without meaning,
unless you choose to give them a reason for staying.

my soul is withered
without a home.
my body has become tired,
restless without bones.
I no longer live
because there is no reason
to breath.
waking up each morning
in a drunken dream.

what a beautiful thing to have loved
if even for just a short while.

these words are for you.
tattered,
yes.
but for you.
broken,
yes.
but still for you.
abundant,
no.
but what's here stays for you.
these words are all I have left.
they're all I can give you.
because you're gone.
a face in the eaves.
you'll just have to listen very soft and very carefully.

I don't know why I'm scared.
to die is the ultimate gift.
a welcome relief from
this world we call home,
when all it has really been
is a place I have never actually known.

I never take my own advice.
I say to love with your whole heart but I only love with half of mine.

Death’s mouth holds tight,
His secrets kept under his tongue.
And while he has no preferences
No treasured
No dearest
No prized,
He has a schedule,
That he must abide.

so late
so tired
all I want
no all I need
is sleep
but I'm here
lying here
waiting here
reading those
words that you
never wrote to me
and I'm wondering
what they might
have said
but all I can
think of are those
empty pages with
those thoughts
you never actually
dreamt.

Waiting
Always waiting —
I creep into my own dreams
Waiting for them to become reality
Living in another time
Grieving what was
Never mine

Waiting
Always waiting —
For my life to begin
For a time when my mind
And my body join in