i owe many of my firsts to you
my first sense of love
my first heartbreak
my first falling again for an old flame
my first feeling as if someone's entire world affects you in a way you didn't know was humanly possible
my first intimacies
my first feeling of loving someone more than you had ever loved anyone before
but of all the first
i owe my worst first to you
the first encounter with realising that the person you love more than anything else, is the person who has caused the most pain and broken your heart the most times
you were the first person i ever loved, and the first person i ever chose to leave because i loved them
and for that i am eternally grateful, i'll be getting on without you

strike a match
watch the flame flicker
hover your hand over it's warmth
bringing it closer and closer to your skin
but never letting it touch

the burn would hurt too much
the hesitation shows
there's still some hope
the flame has not yet scorched your happiness.

Watch the flame die down
throw the match away
you're not an angel on fire today.

I let you in

I let the poison take over my body

I let your soul control mine

you cut the flowers from the garden inside me and left only the weeds.

You had me breathing my last breaths and then left, and now

there is a little flower growing inside me.

you promised you'd love me forever
said it with tears in your eyes and a soft voice that makes it debut once you try to speak after a screaming match and an ocean of tears
you promised you'd never leave me and that we'd be infinite

only fools make a promise like this
nothing can exist forever, everything is forgotten and everyone decays into the ground eventually
no one can die together, no one can last forever, someone always dies first
no one can love someone forever, pure love isn't real because if you love someone, there's times where you hate them, and times where you want nothing to do with them

that is why on that faithful night
I left, you made a promise you couldn't keep and that is the promise that wasn't a fools promise, that was the one of the few promises you made that you could keep.

put your hands to the sky
drop to your knees and cry a river of salty tears
scream out into the open air
scream until your lungs give out
yell every sinful crime you've committed
beg for forgiveness
beg for a second chance

you're reminded that you've been in this position before
only before it was an act debauchery mixed with a hope for an act of god
but now it is a full blown plea for mercy and a god like miracle
both scenarios pleading for god
and in this moment you remember that you will never find god on your knees
because god does not exist within the hollow shell of whom ever it may be you are worshipping
god exists within your own being

patriarchy of love and deep desire has taken ahold of my heart once more.

the tyranny of sadness and despair has made its rule ever so present over my entire body and soul.

the whimsical peace of happiness, that has made itself a mirage once again.

this is the world inside.

the world once seemed so grand
every night I would wish for morning to come faster, eager to see what tomorrow would bring
a smile adorned my face and a sparkle brighter than the stars twinkled in brightly lit blue eyes

things have changed since those innocent days
dreams and aspirations have been replaced by reality and doubt that there will ever be a future i want to see
the night time seems so heavenly and i am eager to sleep for it means that i am as close as i can get to dead, shut out the demons of the daylight and be at peace in my

spilled my heart out in ink, barely  legible handwriting on old worn napkins telling every thought of emotion i have ever dreamed

splattered what remained of a broken heart on a canvas in an attempt to place its broken pieces back together in beautiful colour schemes

photographed every moment in which i felt alive or when i felt the polar opposite anything to look at and make me remember what it felt like to feel more than a basic emotion

there’s a reason you cannot spell heart without art.
three letters that seemingly mean nothing in the grand scheme, however when arranged to spell out “art”, they encompass a word that describes everything you ever have and ever will be. the reason for your insanity and the explanation for every single atom in your being and every chemical reaction that caused your brain to send out endorphins and every other chemical that drives you to an emotion.

the reason you live and will live forever on, your legacy to leave behind, your reason for living all encompassed by a three letter word.

my heart beats to the rhythm of the rain drops pitter patter, pitter patter, bu-bump bu-bump
somewhere else your heart is beating to a different melody, one that wasn't made for you and me, one that was created just for you.
how i miss when our hearts used to beat it the rhythm of each other's

he'll call you pretty
he'll capture you with the sparkle of his brown eyes
and melodic laugh that'll ring in your ears for days
after the moment passed

things will escalate
your heart will race each time you hear his name
you'll admit to liking him
he'll say he feels the same

his lips will taste like honey
you'll love the taste, it'll be your  new favourite flavour
but honey gets too sickly when you eat too much

he'll call you good girl
then you'll realise,
you're not the only one who's been eating honey.

he only lays his eyes on me to create an image of who he wants me to be to lock away in his memories and replace who i am with who he wants me to be
he only desires me for my body, he’s come crawling back when i told him that the next relationship i have i think i’ll be ready to explore more of my sexuality
the desire to run hands up and down my thighs and hips never faded but whatever attraction that went deeper than physical died long ago and now the lust thrives within
he only likes me for what i have to offer, not in the moral sense of the phrase, i know he only speaks to me in this mannerism again just so she can see me on my knees staring up with pretty little eyes
he only wants me for my body and what i can supply but i still want him for his soul and his mind.

You are still here, but you're not.
You are a memory, added to the collection of memories I already have inside.
But the memory of you feels different, the memory of you feels like home.
It makes me feel some type of way, maybe it's just my foolish and broken heart.
But the you I hold so close to my heart, that you is home and this you, the you that is not a memory,
that you wouldn't hold me in a warm embrace when I cry over your memory in my mind.

why’s it so hard
why’s it so hard
an ultimatum hangs in the air
so thick it fills our lungs like cigarette smoke
the drug that lies within the ultimatum and cigarettes is the girl you cheat on me with
inhale her into your lungs
let her infiltrate parts of you that i will never have access to
she’s ruining us
breaking a home that was built on foundations that could withstand any disaster that crossed its pass
all to be cracked right down the centre by a home-wrecker who had always lay hidden away in the concrete
it’s her or me
no magic eight ball can decide your fate

do you ever feel like wanting to cry
or even die
after coming down from a high
because all everyone ever does it lie
oh, sigh.
sometimes i just want to fly
away from everyone's watchful eye
goodbye.

Captured by your heavenly eyes
Searching for a sign, that you love me


Time flew by, and I was still searching.


I never did find a sign.

finger nails digging into skin, drawing blood from the crescent moon shapes on calloused palms

matted hair in clumps on the floor from constant fiddling turned into ripping

purple bags under what once were eyes that sparkled, all hope inside the pale blue irises now put out like a match's flame

constant shiver from the frosty embrace of the ghosts of old lovers pulling her down into the depths of her already prevalent sadness

they say it's the things you love that eventually **** you, here's just another statistic

i cannot fathom
whether you will be the greatest love I have ever known
or the equivalent to a shakespearean tragedy

i cannot fathom
if i will amount to a literary mastermind
or a struggling artist bleeding dry in a dead end job

i cannot fathom
why my friends choose to stay
do they love me?
or are they too nice and pitiful to leave me?

i cannot fathom
whether i am truly sad
or if my mind is tricking me with a multitude of mixed signals

i cannot fathom
i cannot fathom
i cannot fathom
my reason for breathing
but i haven't been able to fathom a reason for some time
i lost it when i couldn't fathom how to breathe and why sweet air in my lungs felt like.

scratch at my throat
try to free myself of my own skin
there’s an emptiness where my heart used to be
stuck your hand right down my throat and pulled it out all in one swift move
i didn’t realise the pain everyone talked about when your love breaks your heart
i didn’t think you could feel that amount of pain
i understand now.
i have never felt so cold
never felt so hopeless
never wanted to jump off of a ten story building as much as i do now
everything feels unreal
time moves so slow
carrying around dead weight
please change your mind
these tears haven’t dried
i didn’t know that i could cry
so much, i feel like alice
trapped in a glass bottle
creating an ocean of her own tears
drowning herself
she’s already suffocating
i can feel the gravitational pull on my body
i can feel the earth turn
everything going so slowly
is this what it feels like to be dying?

i didn’t tell you i loved you that day
the day we sat around and did nothin
the day we watched my dog and i stared at you for about an hour, in awe of your being
the day i sat and watched you become distance from me
the day i had to ask you to kiss me
the day of prom where i felt like an alien in your arms, the same day i began to realise that we would no longer be “we” for much longer
the day you broke my heart and treaded all over it
the days i sat and cried over you but still kept on talking to you like nothing was wrong and that i was totally okay with you breaking my heart, yes of course we can still be friends
the day i saw you after all this was said and done and we went out to eat for my birthday and i was still so in love with you and i think you knew it too, i didn’t hide it very well
the day after all of this had passed, months later, and i saw you and you kissed me agin and told me you missed me but to not get my hopes up about anything escalating, you’re  still not ready for a relationship
i didn’t tell you i loved you, because i knew you wouldn’t say it back
i told you i loved you, and you said you loved me too
i said you didn’t and you took that as a shot to the heart, an attack on you
you told me you loved me in a general “love”, you loved me in all aspects but also not all aspects
and then it all hit me again and i remembered why i didn’t tell you i loved you to begin with.

F scott drank himself to death
Hemingway blew his brain out
Zelda went insane
Van Gogh never left equally returned love
Lennon was shot dead
Sinatra was a hot head

Gatsby lived a life of unrequited insanity
Romeo died believing a lie

I see my idols in me
wonder how I'll turn out to be.

we are fire
i am the orange ember, the coldest part of the flame
you are the white hot tip of at the head of the match head
it sometimes flickers blue

you are blue
i hate blue, i always have
i am red
making purple sounds like a delightful endeavour
but i am reminded of the love bite (why are they called that)
that you left
it was purple, it hurt for weeks
it turned green

i hate you.
i hate blue.
i hate the white flame.

stinging eyes
tear drop stains on freshly washed linen
a frantic spectacle has taken place
one in which “us” may never recover

i told you i loved you.
you never said the words back.
you simply said, thank you.
and left.

heart’s heavy like an anvil in my chest
weighing down my entire body and i am filled with a sense of unease and fear
one word repeating it’s self every time i say your name
i’m not i tell myself, i’m not, i can’t be.
this word has turned itself into bullets
piercing my flesh with each mention of it’s cursed syllables
love, love rings a cacophony in my ears
causes a loss of breath and an overflow of tears
am i falling in love? this is what that feels like?
i feel like i a drowning myself in the pacific
my lungs feel heavy and my chest heaves with each gasp for sweet oxygen
constant choke hold, light headed despair
i feel like i’m dying
is that what love is?
i feel like i’m floating
is that what love is?
am i falling in love?
oh god, am i falling in love?
oh god,
i’m falling in love.

sprinting hand in hand down narrow streets
running around unsuspecting bystanders and passerbyers
laughs echoing off the skyscrapers, louder than all the taxi cabs and mixed up conversations of the city
chasing the pink sunset that reflects in golden hues off of the concrete jungle

walking hand in hand around the edges of the lakes in central park
dancing on subway platforms to street performers unique melodies
falling into attraction in between musty lps in dimly lit record shops hidden away in greenwich
falling in love in vacant coffee shops or on apartment building rooftops

the city is where nostalgia takes a form of reality and where chaos disguises itself as a form of surreal serenity

drenched my heart in lighter fluid
swallowed gasoline

struck a match


burn baby burn.

he's near sighted
everything from afar seems blurred and people seem to be
masses of motion in huddled crowds

he can see things up close
everything that's five feet in front gets noticed
i guess that why he never noticed me until i popped up on his phone screen
admiring from the mass of motion that he can't see

it's so easy
to fake a smile with him
i'll give him the signature "i'm dying inside and these tears aren't because i'm tired but look at these pearly whites" smile
and he'll belive it, but only because he can't really see  the falters in it

he's so pure
so golden
it makes me scared to hold
his hand because i wouldn't want to turn that gold black
or the diamond into coal
i'm scared he'll run if he ever saw my cold beating heart

he laughs when i shake, he jokes that i'm always cold
i mean what else would he think, i don't "look like someone with anxiety"
he thinks it's cute when i get all lustered and when my mind runs a mile a minute and that i worry consistently
but he doesn't know that these tendencies are due to the constant churing of gears in my head, working overtime and constantly leaking oil out
a working machine of overthinking

he doesn't know all of what makes me.. me
every flaw
every diagnosis
every scar
every puzzle piece  
every event
nor does he have to
he'll learn as time goes by
but for now he can think that i'm fine

shivering has become a constant state of being
shivering from caffeine overdoses and the kiss of the grim reaper ******* the life out of me
uncontrollable panic, can you remind me how to breathe correctly?

purple rings around lifeless blue irises to show the disrupted sleep from the nightmares of what if nothing works how it's destined to be
tired isn't as bad as you think it would be
it makes that warm cup of coffee worth it even though caffeine has no effect expect self induced panic from all the pent up anxiety

i'm on the brink of insanity
i can feel all normality fleeting from my body
i cannot complain though
insanity doesn't feel out of place in this world anymore
everything's already in complete anarchy

you lean in
give me that look that says “my god i can’t believe you’re alive”, you make me feel worth something
we kiss, you deepen it, light and gentle is never enough
hands run all over, trying to find where x marks the spot
strike gold, get lucky
we stop, i like you.
i go over again, only two days apart
the story repeats
i like you, you lust me
you think i’m pretty, a nice statement piece
a treasure locked behind closed doors, just another plastic participation trophy in the open
i know i’ll see you running around with some other girl, and i’ll still be here convincing myself that i’m over it

i slept with my phone on last night
clutched it tight in my hand as i tried to fall asleep
regretting the topic i brought up but hoping to feel the heartbeat simulation
the vibration set to your contact buzz in the palm of my hand
waiting for answers knowing that you weren’t doing the same when i wasn’t replying
realising that i have destroyed any possible non platonic feeling you have for me by bringing up the pain that’s festered inside for three weeks
i slept with three blankets on last night
still shivering cold from anxiety
the cold didn’t vanish even when i added more blankets
i slept with a hope last night
a hope that you’d realise in the morning that even after this fight i’m still worth it
a hope that your fear of committing would vanish and you’d come to your senses
i still hold the hope tight, as i did my phone when i fell asleep last night.

nights i used to spend lying awake are now spent in a slumber i never want to arise from
the detriment of sleeping for more than eight hours has since vanished, that's what sadness can do to a body
the exhaustion that comes from factors of my brain that i cannot control and a pain so deep rooted in the cavities of my heart propel me into a twelve hour slumber that feels like twelve minutes
dragging my feet on the ground like deadweight, my god i am deadweight
deprivation of serotonin can **** ones strength and energy, i have never been so tired
heartbreak throws a body into a boxing ring and tells it to fight the champ, while the body has been starved of all life
exhaustion has become my new state of being, someone save me please.

i'm so sorry i care about you more than i care about myself

i'm so sorry i would take a bullet for you without thinking twice

i'm so sorry i ask if you're okay all the time because i have trouble believing anyone is and know what it's like to lie about being okay when you're not just to get by

i'm so sorry i want everything to be well for you and happy

i'm so sorry.

i'm so sorry i care about you more than i care about myself.

clouded head pounding with a sense of regret
is it regret? or is it a yearning for  what I once had?
confused by your sudden actions, you keep tugging at heart strings that are almost threads, barely holding together
head spinning, this room I sit in seems to be shrinking, the dark seems to overtake the little light that spills in under the space between the door and hard wooden floors
clutching my head in agony, my heart is screaming at the pain you inflict on tugging at the strings
i feel a slice, cut the strings in half, the pain comes to a halt
a brief numb overcomes my body, a silence instills in the room
and then out of thin air, just like your change of mind, all of the pain floods into my veins and I scream out into the abyss
oh the things you can inflict upon me.

why is it that everything you do makes me want to break down and cry like i don’t actually think you understand how confused i am over your *******. can you please make up your mind? are you in for the long haul or am i just some pretty little notch in your god dam bed post? i thought i was alright with this whole friends with benefits thing but honestly i can’t keep doing this to myself when for the past four days i’ve literally been so miserable because it’s like you turned off a ******* switch and now all it seems to me is that you’re playing games with fire and i don’t like that.

and by the light of the dying sun
we cease to be anything that truly matters
in the darkness and dim glow of the moon all our inner sins run wild
camoflaguing themselves in the blanket of night that cascades over the earth

getting high
blood shot eyes
alcoholic lies
teenage suicide
sunrise

i shouldn't be feeling this way
like the world is closing in
and i can barely breathe

tears shouldn't be forming my my eyes
my breathing shouldn't feel as heavy as it does
i should be smiling

i shouldn't feel numb
my eyes shouldn't be heavy and threatening shut
to close off the world for awhile because it's too much

i shouldn't be terrified
i shouldn't feel dead inside
i shouldn't be feeling like my heart is  a dead weight inside of my rib cage

i shouldn't
but i am
and i don't understand

Tell yourself you're worthless a thousand times a day
create a work of abstract art on your arms, blue veins aren't the only lines painting the canvas
forget what a smile looks like, but remeber what happiness felt like
sleep the days away, become a night owl and your prey is your own brain
**** every ounce of humanity that once remained
become the lifeless corpse you pictured in your grave.

Revive yourself
begin to sew the open wounds back together
start to remeber what a smile was and taste the sweetness of the sun in the day
live in your warmth, thrive in happiness
did life truly get better? are you finally happy again?

revert back to your old ways
the golden days were just a figment of your imagination
a wonderland of sorts

happiness for you my dear, is never to be truly obtained.
you're worthless remember? you don't deserve it.

kiss my lips
tell me i'm pretty

grab my thighs
tell me you miss me

clutch my hips
tell me I'm your only one

look me straight in the eyes
tell me you need me

break my heart
and tell me you love me.

light up your marlboro
take a drag of the filtered tobacco
blow a puff of smoke in my lungs
through your nicotine lips

whisper you love me
romanticise my body
worship the physicality
abandon the mentality

become the source of my insanity
the reason I am so dependent on hot coffee
the ice freezing over my heart
the source of my constant headache

kiss me,
lies taste so sweet.

how do I get you to listen to me?
these words feel like venom slipping from my lips
but when they reach your ears it's as if the poison has turned into feathers and you pay no attention to them

how do I get you to listen?
there's so much I crave to say, so much I want you to hear
but alas it all goes unsaid because you'll never care anyway

how do I get you to listen?
I have relinquished every part of myself to you
but you, you ignore all the parts of me that don't give you some sort of ****** pleasure and I am left to feel worthless, like another book on the shelf
left unread, untouched, just pretty to look at and skim when it satisfies your wants.

i want to be loved
i want to feel the warmth of a loving embrace
i want to know what it's like to feel hopelessly devoted to another being
i want to live in the sunshine and not in the shade, hidden away by the fear that i'll run into you in the narrow hallway, thanking my for your stay and that my body was a lovely resting place
i don't want to feel like  a vacation or provocation to someone, i want to be a home
i want to fall in love with someone who truly reciprocates the passion i have for thee
i just want you to fall in love with me

look at me
look at me as a person
look at me with a new perspective
i notice that when your eyes catch mine you tense up
shouldn’t i be the one cowering behind a defensive mechanism?

i can see something in your eyes
but the blue is too blinding and i am petrified to see how the look of the ocean has changed

why can’t you look at me in that way?
why can’t i stop looking at the ocean and admiring its waves?
why can’t i stop looking at you in the perspective that is no longer acceptable?
why can’t i simply stop looking at you? i’m always looking at you.
why can’t i stop looking for you? searching for you in every nook and cranny.
why can’t i stop wading through tsunami waves trying to find you once more?

look at me.
look at how the rings around my eyes have darken.
look at me.
look inside of my eyes.
see what love looks like inside my mind
when you see your reflection, step back
look around, look anywhere but at me
then look up
and realise what it’s like to look love in the eyes and tell it you don’t want to be infatuated with it anymore

his heart yearns for the blood of your love.

his lips long for the sickly sweet taste of the drug that burns his throat, the only love he has ever known.

the only drug that has ever entered his blood stream and intoxicated his body.

An addiction so strong it kills him slowly, from the inside.

withdrawal symptoms so strong he forgets everything he learned him rehab and relapses.

needle covered in ink
stabbed a heart into my veins for the fun of it
shoot up on love not ****** love drug heart happy addicted

love isn’t meant to be something we can track
doesn’t start at point a and end at point b
it’s not a pin point on a map but more like a flame
like the flames on the candles we light on church alters
there’s always at least one that is lit and some that have long burnt out but you couldn’t say when they did
love is the flame on the candle you forget is lit until one day it just blows itself out and all that remains is the smoke that billows and the ash of ember
love is something that should not be named
nor trapped in a box of what it is supposed to be but rather set free, like birds from a cage
for love is a shape shifter and contorts itself in different ways for every person you meet and every heart beat that arises, no to loves are the same and that’s what makes it so dynamic
love is a monster, a mystery an undefinable beast and yet, love is synonymous to all that we value most in life and the most sought after thing
love is the sin we all fall victim into partaking in

i miss the way fingertips felt against my cold skin
the soft touch that only a lover can provide
the kind of touch that can melt icebergs and start wildfires
i miss the sweet sound of whispered words that could start a revolution and the goosebumps that came with each mumbled "i love you"
i miss the feeling of drifting off in a pair of arms that transformed an embrace into a home and made a safety net around me as if protection could only exist within this space between fingertips and other ligaments
i miss the feeling that you provided
i miss the feeling of being wanted
i miss loving something, someone
i feel as if i have lost all sense of direction

i remember when you said you loved me
each syllable seemed to slice at my cheek as it passed into my ear
you never looked at me when you said it, i never realised it until now
i remember when i knew i loved you, i felt a fire inside my lungs and my body shut down in shock
i couldn't breathe, oxygen turned into carbon monoxide and suddenly everything turned hazy
this was long before you ever said you loved me
even four months later, i still can't breathe when i realise that i still love you

throat closing up
choking on my own rapid heart beat
dizzy head
hazed over eyes glossy with tears
numbness spreading
this can’t be happening
nervous ticks
a constant fear
this isn’t true
avoiding you
avoiding us
trying to find solace in this nightmare
light breaks through the gates of hell
cupid’s arrow pierces skin
love struck, a heart stunned
cupid’s newest fatality and love’s needed casualty
under love’s heavy burden i do sink

i look at him as if he's the starry night
with the same glossy eyes and my heart races a mile a minute.
oh it's bliss but it's hidden,
and i don't know why but i always crave his attention
and seem to miss him..